SVT #51 - Elizabeth The Impossible
Hello all!
This is my first post here, but I've been lurking for a while. I've just discovered a bagful of Sweet Valley Twins books so there will be more forthcoming.
Wherein the very assertion that Elizabeth is a good student turns her into a megalomaniac.
Elizabeth and her pals are eating lunch in the cafeteria. They discuss Elizabeth writing for the Sweet Valley Tribune in their “Junior Journalist” column, which features writing by one journalist from each local school. I have never heard of such a thing existing outside the realm of special competition. Elizabeth wrote about the Unicorns’ Skate-A-Thon which raised enough money to buy a new encyclopaedia for the school library. Wait, their school needs extra money to buy one encyclopaedia? Jesus. Maybe they shouldn’t be spending all their money on new football fields.
The Unicorns are a particularly bizarre part of the Sweet Valley universe. Consisting of around eight girls (“the prettiest and most popular girls at Sweet Valley Middle School”), their existence tends to consist of sitting around, gossiping and wearing a lot of purple - their signature colour. Obviously, twelve-year-old girls do a lot of sitting around and gossiping, but how many go to the trouble of starting a club devoted to it, rather than just doing it with their friends?
Also, The Unicorns? That’s what the coolest club in school is called?
But assistant principal Mr Edwards has an announcement to make! A Sweet Valley student has won the Teen Scene national essay competition! Taking into account a conversation about Elizabeth’s writing skills so rushed that it counts as foreshadowing as much as “Look out, he’s got a gun!” does, who could it be? Why yes, Elizabeth! Elizabeth’s essay was called “Becoming an Individual”, and discussed the difficulties of yes, becoming an individual whilst also being a twin. It does sound like quite a good idea for an essay. As part of that essay, we get a different stock description from the SVH books about Jessica and Elizabeth :
“Elizabeth was the more serious and responsible twin. She loved reading Amanda Howard mysteries, writing for her class newspaper, The Sweet Valley Sixers, and spending time with her best friend, Amy Sutton.
Jessica, on the other hand, preferred to spend as much time as possible with her fellow members of the Unicorn club, talking about boys, trying out new make-up, and going shopping at the mall. Jessica loved excitement - things like schoolwork and chores were too dull for her.”
Who is surprised Jessica is a unicorn? No one.
Note that Amy Sutton is friends with Elizabeth. Little bit of continuity from SVH there. But unlike SVH Amy, who spent her time stealing Bruce Patman from the bravely deaf Regina, Amy is completely uninteresting. She fulfils an Enid-type role, although Enid at least had a meth-taking past. Everyone is super-excited that Elizabeth has won, her prize being two hundred dollars and a trip to LA. Pretty sweet. Especially excited is Pamela McDonald, who has been Elizabeth’s own Single White Female for a few weeks now. Sample dialogue: “Elizabeth, you are absolutely, without exception, the most talented person in the entire world.” Yeesh. Steven Hawkings will have something to say about that. Also, we find that Todd is Elizabeth’s boyfriend. So much for book #1 of SVH, where Elizabeth and Jessica compete for Todd’s loving. Caroline Pearce tells Jessica Elizabeth won the competition. In some rare continuity between series, Caroline is still a massive gossip. And a redhead. Jessica is proud.
The next week in Jessica’s class, Mr Davis hands out a booklet called “Are You A Model Student?” Yes, another middle-school student competition. Each school gets to nominate one person. Amongst the usual criteria for a model student (does work, doesn’t answer back, participates in life) is the surprising requirement, “healthy”. Get lost, asthmatics!
Jessica decides to nominate Elizabeth for model student, until Mandy points out only teachers nominate. Point of giving out that booklet? None. Jessica plans to get Elizabeth nominated.
Jess’s plan is simple, yet effective. It consists of striking up conversations with Elizabeth’s teachers and saying things such as “Elizabeth’s such a great student. She’s a model for us all.” Their response: “Uh… yeah.” But later at lunch, Jess hears Bruce Patman is pushing for a nomination too, to get out of trouble with his dad. Sadly, attempted date-rapist is not in the model student criteria.
Pamela meets Elizabeth after school. She’s dressed just like her, in “neatly pressed khakis, a plaid blouse and loafers. She had also tied her short dark hair into a ponytail.” Smoking. Pamela wants to start a petition to make Elizabeth the model student entrant for their school. Elizabeth is shocked - shocked! - that she would suggest such a thing.
Elizabeth overhears Mr Bowman telling the principal how great she is. Her first reaction is to feel “guilty and embarrassed” for eavesdropping. Elizabeth is so tiresome. Her second is the beginnings of monomania; she’s gonna figure out exactly what a model student is! She runs and tells Jessica. They tell their family, despite Elizabeth not being officially nominated just yet.
I have to mention this great dream sequence Elizabeth has: it consists of the entire student body chanting “Elizabeth! Elizabeth!”, whilst she wears “her best dress and a lacy crown of pink and white flowers”. “Hail To The Chief” plays in the background. Elizabeth seems to have confused the model student competition with Miss America. And the presidential inauguration.
She gets up super-early the next day, and decides the clothes she’s laid out just aren’t model student enough. She decides on “a navy blue skirt that she had gotten for the choir concert and had never worn again, and a pair of navy flats. She added a navy ribbon to her hair and tucked it into a bun.” Perfect, for a spinster aunt. Jessica thinks she looks like a librarian. She’s right. Elizabeth does not respond, in keeping with a model student.
Predictably, Pamela loves the outfit. Nobody else does. Everyone congratulates her on her not-yet nomination.
In keeping with her model student image, Elizabeth becomes a humourless pain, being irritated by a captions mix-up in the new edition of the Sixers. (The caption “Home Team Strikes Out” is under a picture of lunch cooks, whilst “Love those Cookies!” is under a picture of Dennis Cookman (see what they did there?) striking out) Pamela thinks that Elizabeth should approve everything that goes in the paper. Elizabeth agrees!
In the next newspaper meeting, Elizabeth announces her new Stalinist principle. Nobody likes it, and feels rather offended. But she is the model student! Amy confronts Elizabeth after the meeting. Elizabeth still thinks she’s right. Amy responds “Elizabeth, you’re being absolutely impossible”. Title! Elizabeth walks home along, thinking maybe she was wrong. But up pops Pamela, Iago to Elizabeth’s pigheaded Othello, telling her she’s always right, and she can’t trust those other people. Only Pamela. Always Pamela.
Elizabeth tells off Jessica for skipping ballet classes to go shopping with the Unicorns. Actual dialogue: “I’m concerned that you spend too much of your time hanging around with the Unicorns.” Elizabeth thinks Jessica should take up chess, or perhaps the harp. Jessica disagrees, and throws Elizabeth’s essay about being an individual back in her face (not literally). Take that! Elizabeth smugly tells her that being herself isn’t enough. She has to be better. Ugh. Elizabeth goes on a living-right rampage, including early-morning jogging (with Pamela, natch); laying the table with the best china; making scary healthy desserts and throwing out all sugary items from the fridge, and stopping Jessica’s crush from calling her during dinner! Too far!
The parents put their collective feet down when Elizabeth tries to take away their coffee and replace it with dandelion tea. Where did Elizabeth get the money for these purchases?
Amy plays Scrabble with Jessica and Elizabeth. She hates Pamela: “Her constant flattery is sickening.” Look, here’s Pamela now, with her usual sycophantic ramblings. Amy gets so mad she spells out B-A-L-O-N-E-Y with her Scrabble letters and yells at Pamela. Nice one, Amy! Elizabeth is so detached from reality that she dismisses Amy’s ravings as jealousy. .
Elizabeth’s obsessive organisational tendencies get so bad she starts carrying a clipboard around with her. Thank God there’s only a week until the model student nominee is announced. I can’t take much more of this. Neither can her classmates; she chastises Winston for not being good enough in English, and interrupts Ellen’s conversation with her English teacher to say she should read Tom Sawyer. The teacher agrees. Ellen does not.
But she goes over the line when she tells Janet Howell, president of the Unicorns not to take two slices of cheesecake at lunch - Janet vows “if I have any influence - and I believe I do - she won’t be named Model Student. She’ll be named Model Nerd!” BURN!
(sidebar: The Unicorn’s table is called The Unicorner. Fabulous.)
Elizabeth’s jackass behaviour turns the tides of public opinion into Bruce’s favour. But what’s that? TODD might be nominated?! Jessica has yet another brilliant scheme: to make sure Todd wins. Her scheme is the same as before, but using Todd’s name.
Jessica mentions Todd as a possible candidate to Elizabeth. She’s even more scornful than usual, adding “I’m right more often than you are”, bringing up the baby-sitting incident and the time Jessica entered the Wakefields into a French family competition - both to be recapped soon! - “You have to admit that your bright ideas are usually pretty dim-witted.” Dammit Elizabeth! Why’d you have to bring that up in the book where you’re entirely unsympathetic!
Elizabeth reconsiders Todd as a threat, after all “he was a Scout, with plenty of merit badges to his name”. Interesting to note that here Todd seems to be a bright spark - good student, basketball, head of debate team, scout, good citizenship award… he peaked early. Like Orson Welles.
The Tribune comes to Elizabeth’s school to interview her - she’s chosen that day to wear a tasteful brown blouse and skirt. She’s having doubts, and Pamela’s constant flattery isn’t helping. Not to mention that nobody appears to be talking to her, but everyone’s talking to Todd. After a few classes Elizabeth remembers Todd is her boyfriend and goes to speak to him. He asks her why she’s gone mad with power. Before she can answer, Pamela drags her off to speak to the reporter. Elizabeth’s friends politely go along with the charade of being happy for Elizabeth.
Meanwhile, Jessica continues to campaign on behalf of Todd, until Pamela catches her! Smithers crony that she is, Pamela is determined that Elizabeth must be told.
Once again, Elizabeth hears the principal talking about the model student competition. But now he’s talking about Todd! But her as well! And suddenly… the door opens. She’s caught.
Elizabeth is sent to the principal’s office, and realises what a tyrant she’s become. She’s given a week’s detention and a note her parents have to sign. She goes home and sobs. Probably. After this personal breakthrough, Pamela tattling on Jessica and her plan to get Todd nominated means nothing to her. Elizabeth breaks up with Pamela.
Jessica confesses, and all is well. Elizabeth busies herself with detentions, being grounded, and apologising to everyone, including Todd.
Finally, it’s the day of the assembly. Because of its size, Sweet Valley Middle School is allowed TWO nominees. The names are… Todd and Elizabeth! What a power couple! Winston leads a cheer for them. Remember that for later.
The Boosters (a cheerleading team which appears to consist entirely of unicorns) are having practice, which consists of watching TV and complaining about how rubbish they are. Possibly related to spending their practice time watching TV. Grace mentions that Winston would be a better cheerleader than them. Wouldn’t that be hilarious?! But seriously, SV is hosting the cheerleading championships this year, so they have to be at least passable. Oh, and some cheerleading teams have both boys AND girls on them. Madness! That’ll never happen to the Boosters….
OR WILL IT?
This is my first post here, but I've been lurking for a while. I've just discovered a bagful of Sweet Valley Twins books so there will be more forthcoming.
Wherein the very assertion that Elizabeth is a good student turns her into a megalomaniac.
Elizabeth and her pals are eating lunch in the cafeteria. They discuss Elizabeth writing for the Sweet Valley Tribune in their “Junior Journalist” column, which features writing by one journalist from each local school. I have never heard of such a thing existing outside the realm of special competition. Elizabeth wrote about the Unicorns’ Skate-A-Thon which raised enough money to buy a new encyclopaedia for the school library. Wait, their school needs extra money to buy one encyclopaedia? Jesus. Maybe they shouldn’t be spending all their money on new football fields.
The Unicorns are a particularly bizarre part of the Sweet Valley universe. Consisting of around eight girls (“the prettiest and most popular girls at Sweet Valley Middle School”), their existence tends to consist of sitting around, gossiping and wearing a lot of purple - their signature colour. Obviously, twelve-year-old girls do a lot of sitting around and gossiping, but how many go to the trouble of starting a club devoted to it, rather than just doing it with their friends?
Also, The Unicorns? That’s what the coolest club in school is called?
But assistant principal Mr Edwards has an announcement to make! A Sweet Valley student has won the Teen Scene national essay competition! Taking into account a conversation about Elizabeth’s writing skills so rushed that it counts as foreshadowing as much as “Look out, he’s got a gun!” does, who could it be? Why yes, Elizabeth! Elizabeth’s essay was called “Becoming an Individual”, and discussed the difficulties of yes, becoming an individual whilst also being a twin. It does sound like quite a good idea for an essay. As part of that essay, we get a different stock description from the SVH books about Jessica and Elizabeth :
“Elizabeth was the more serious and responsible twin. She loved reading Amanda Howard mysteries, writing for her class newspaper, The Sweet Valley Sixers, and spending time with her best friend, Amy Sutton.
Jessica, on the other hand, preferred to spend as much time as possible with her fellow members of the Unicorn club, talking about boys, trying out new make-up, and going shopping at the mall. Jessica loved excitement - things like schoolwork and chores were too dull for her.”
Who is surprised Jessica is a unicorn? No one.
Note that Amy Sutton is friends with Elizabeth. Little bit of continuity from SVH there. But unlike SVH Amy, who spent her time stealing Bruce Patman from the bravely deaf Regina, Amy is completely uninteresting. She fulfils an Enid-type role, although Enid at least had a meth-taking past. Everyone is super-excited that Elizabeth has won, her prize being two hundred dollars and a trip to LA. Pretty sweet. Especially excited is Pamela McDonald, who has been Elizabeth’s own Single White Female for a few weeks now. Sample dialogue: “Elizabeth, you are absolutely, without exception, the most talented person in the entire world.” Yeesh. Steven Hawkings will have something to say about that. Also, we find that Todd is Elizabeth’s boyfriend. So much for book #1 of SVH, where Elizabeth and Jessica compete for Todd’s loving. Caroline Pearce tells Jessica Elizabeth won the competition. In some rare continuity between series, Caroline is still a massive gossip. And a redhead. Jessica is proud.
The next week in Jessica’s class, Mr Davis hands out a booklet called “Are You A Model Student?” Yes, another middle-school student competition. Each school gets to nominate one person. Amongst the usual criteria for a model student (does work, doesn’t answer back, participates in life) is the surprising requirement, “healthy”. Get lost, asthmatics!
Jessica decides to nominate Elizabeth for model student, until Mandy points out only teachers nominate. Point of giving out that booklet? None. Jessica plans to get Elizabeth nominated.
Jess’s plan is simple, yet effective. It consists of striking up conversations with Elizabeth’s teachers and saying things such as “Elizabeth’s such a great student. She’s a model for us all.” Their response: “Uh… yeah.” But later at lunch, Jess hears Bruce Patman is pushing for a nomination too, to get out of trouble with his dad. Sadly, attempted date-rapist is not in the model student criteria.
Pamela meets Elizabeth after school. She’s dressed just like her, in “neatly pressed khakis, a plaid blouse and loafers. She had also tied her short dark hair into a ponytail.” Smoking. Pamela wants to start a petition to make Elizabeth the model student entrant for their school. Elizabeth is shocked - shocked! - that she would suggest such a thing.
Elizabeth overhears Mr Bowman telling the principal how great she is. Her first reaction is to feel “guilty and embarrassed” for eavesdropping. Elizabeth is so tiresome. Her second is the beginnings of monomania; she’s gonna figure out exactly what a model student is! She runs and tells Jessica. They tell their family, despite Elizabeth not being officially nominated just yet.
I have to mention this great dream sequence Elizabeth has: it consists of the entire student body chanting “Elizabeth! Elizabeth!”, whilst she wears “her best dress and a lacy crown of pink and white flowers”. “Hail To The Chief” plays in the background. Elizabeth seems to have confused the model student competition with Miss America. And the presidential inauguration.
She gets up super-early the next day, and decides the clothes she’s laid out just aren’t model student enough. She decides on “a navy blue skirt that she had gotten for the choir concert and had never worn again, and a pair of navy flats. She added a navy ribbon to her hair and tucked it into a bun.” Perfect, for a spinster aunt. Jessica thinks she looks like a librarian. She’s right. Elizabeth does not respond, in keeping with a model student.
Predictably, Pamela loves the outfit. Nobody else does. Everyone congratulates her on her not-yet nomination.
In keeping with her model student image, Elizabeth becomes a humourless pain, being irritated by a captions mix-up in the new edition of the Sixers. (The caption “Home Team Strikes Out” is under a picture of lunch cooks, whilst “Love those Cookies!” is under a picture of Dennis Cookman (see what they did there?) striking out) Pamela thinks that Elizabeth should approve everything that goes in the paper. Elizabeth agrees!
In the next newspaper meeting, Elizabeth announces her new Stalinist principle. Nobody likes it, and feels rather offended. But she is the model student! Amy confronts Elizabeth after the meeting. Elizabeth still thinks she’s right. Amy responds “Elizabeth, you’re being absolutely impossible”. Title! Elizabeth walks home along, thinking maybe she was wrong. But up pops Pamela, Iago to Elizabeth’s pigheaded Othello, telling her she’s always right, and she can’t trust those other people. Only Pamela. Always Pamela.
Elizabeth tells off Jessica for skipping ballet classes to go shopping with the Unicorns. Actual dialogue: “I’m concerned that you spend too much of your time hanging around with the Unicorns.” Elizabeth thinks Jessica should take up chess, or perhaps the harp. Jessica disagrees, and throws Elizabeth’s essay about being an individual back in her face (not literally). Take that! Elizabeth smugly tells her that being herself isn’t enough. She has to be better. Ugh. Elizabeth goes on a living-right rampage, including early-morning jogging (with Pamela, natch); laying the table with the best china; making scary healthy desserts and throwing out all sugary items from the fridge, and stopping Jessica’s crush from calling her during dinner! Too far!
The parents put their collective feet down when Elizabeth tries to take away their coffee and replace it with dandelion tea. Where did Elizabeth get the money for these purchases?
Amy plays Scrabble with Jessica and Elizabeth. She hates Pamela: “Her constant flattery is sickening.” Look, here’s Pamela now, with her usual sycophantic ramblings. Amy gets so mad she spells out B-A-L-O-N-E-Y with her Scrabble letters and yells at Pamela. Nice one, Amy! Elizabeth is so detached from reality that she dismisses Amy’s ravings as jealousy. .
Elizabeth’s obsessive organisational tendencies get so bad she starts carrying a clipboard around with her. Thank God there’s only a week until the model student nominee is announced. I can’t take much more of this. Neither can her classmates; she chastises Winston for not being good enough in English, and interrupts Ellen’s conversation with her English teacher to say she should read Tom Sawyer. The teacher agrees. Ellen does not.
But she goes over the line when she tells Janet Howell, president of the Unicorns not to take two slices of cheesecake at lunch - Janet vows “if I have any influence - and I believe I do - she won’t be named Model Student. She’ll be named Model Nerd!” BURN!
(sidebar: The Unicorn’s table is called The Unicorner. Fabulous.)
Elizabeth’s jackass behaviour turns the tides of public opinion into Bruce’s favour. But what’s that? TODD might be nominated?! Jessica has yet another brilliant scheme: to make sure Todd wins. Her scheme is the same as before, but using Todd’s name.
Jessica mentions Todd as a possible candidate to Elizabeth. She’s even more scornful than usual, adding “I’m right more often than you are”, bringing up the baby-sitting incident and the time Jessica entered the Wakefields into a French family competition - both to be recapped soon! - “You have to admit that your bright ideas are usually pretty dim-witted.” Dammit Elizabeth! Why’d you have to bring that up in the book where you’re entirely unsympathetic!
Elizabeth reconsiders Todd as a threat, after all “he was a Scout, with plenty of merit badges to his name”. Interesting to note that here Todd seems to be a bright spark - good student, basketball, head of debate team, scout, good citizenship award… he peaked early. Like Orson Welles.
The Tribune comes to Elizabeth’s school to interview her - she’s chosen that day to wear a tasteful brown blouse and skirt. She’s having doubts, and Pamela’s constant flattery isn’t helping. Not to mention that nobody appears to be talking to her, but everyone’s talking to Todd. After a few classes Elizabeth remembers Todd is her boyfriend and goes to speak to him. He asks her why she’s gone mad with power. Before she can answer, Pamela drags her off to speak to the reporter. Elizabeth’s friends politely go along with the charade of being happy for Elizabeth.
Meanwhile, Jessica continues to campaign on behalf of Todd, until Pamela catches her! Smithers crony that she is, Pamela is determined that Elizabeth must be told.
Once again, Elizabeth hears the principal talking about the model student competition. But now he’s talking about Todd! But her as well! And suddenly… the door opens. She’s caught.
Elizabeth is sent to the principal’s office, and realises what a tyrant she’s become. She’s given a week’s detention and a note her parents have to sign. She goes home and sobs. Probably. After this personal breakthrough, Pamela tattling on Jessica and her plan to get Todd nominated means nothing to her. Elizabeth breaks up with Pamela.
Jessica confesses, and all is well. Elizabeth busies herself with detentions, being grounded, and apologising to everyone, including Todd.
Finally, it’s the day of the assembly. Because of its size, Sweet Valley Middle School is allowed TWO nominees. The names are… Todd and Elizabeth! What a power couple! Winston leads a cheer for them. Remember that for later.
The Boosters (a cheerleading team which appears to consist entirely of unicorns) are having practice, which consists of watching TV and complaining about how rubbish they are. Possibly related to spending their practice time watching TV. Grace mentions that Winston would be a better cheerleader than them. Wouldn’t that be hilarious?! But seriously, SV is hosting the cheerleading championships this year, so they have to be at least passable. Oh, and some cheerleading teams have both boys AND girls on them. Madness! That’ll never happen to the Boosters….
OR WILL IT?