The Unicorn Club #18: Rachel’s In, Lila’s Out
The Unicorn Club #18: Rachel’s In, Lila’s Out
COVER: The above scene never happens. But there is Lila and Jessica, glaring at Rachel (OMG! She's black! They let black people in Sweet Valley now!) and, I assume, Tina.
I know I read the Unicorn Club series growing up, but I don’t think I got very far into it. The whole Angels thing was new to me when those books were recapped. But when I posted the list of books still to be recapped and saw that there was one title that included the phrase “Lila’s Out” I was like, “This cannot be! Lila is NEVER out. She is forever IN.” Lila is not like Pogs or Beanie Babies or some passing fad. She’s forever cool, like James Dean, without that pesky dying or something.
The 1bruce1 wiki helpfully tells me who this Rachel person is. (See! The wiki is already super-handy!) I’ve decided she must be a bitch to challenge Li. I hope someone pushes her in a pool! THAT’LL SHOW HER.
In fact, I may be outing myself as a complete nerd, but this whole book kind of reminded me of that episode of Jem and the Holograms where Dominick moves into the mansion and takes Krissie’s room, because he’s famous and she’s just some orphan. And then she pushes him into the pool and it turns out he can’t swim. I kept hoping Lila would burst into song. But she doesn't. Sad.
Lila wakes up on a Saturday morning in Fowler Crest. She is all, “La, I love my house. It’s got stained glass windows, cool chandeliers, an Olympic sized swimming pool. My house is the best.” This is my favorite part "Some people made do with pools that were only about twenty feet long, but as far as Lila was concerned, you might as well use your bathtub." Hee. If it’s not fifty meters, why even bother?
George Fowler is actually around which surprises the heck out of me. He and Lila eat breakfast together. We learn that he has no idea what her friends’ names are. He reminds Lila they didn’t finish discussing the house. Lila doesn’t really pay attention to her dad. So when he tells her he’s buying a cottage (only six bedrooms! Imagine!) on the lake she isn’t sure which lake he means. Turns out he means Secca Lake as in, move from this awesome house to the cottage. He says he’s never there so it’s really “seventy-five rooms just for” Lila. That’ sounds about right to me! What’s the problem?! Oh, he thinks that’s too many. Bah.
George has already put the mansion on the market. DUN DUN DUN!
I’m going to take this moment to pause and point out that we all know Lila’s mansion is called “Fowler Crest” but it’s rarely referred to as such in this book. It’s just called the Fowler Mansion. This fact made me slightly nervous that Lila might actually be out at the end. But it turns out-phew-it was just an oversight on the ghostwriter’s part. False alarm, just a continuity error! And, might I add, an obvious missed opportunity! I mean, if Lila’s family moves, are they going to call it Grant Crest? That just sounds dumb. Obviously Lila should stay.
That night, the Unicorns are having a sleepover at Lila’s house. This was planned before Lila’s dad broke the bad news to her. The Unicorns yap on about stupid stuff and talk about how great Lila’s house is. Lila decides not to tell them because she thinks they won’t like her if she doesn’t live there. She thinks, "Ever since breakfast Lila had been just walking around, gently stroking everything she could find that wouldn’t be coming with them to the new cottage…” Aww. I want to give Lila a hug. Moving is tough, especially on kids and, per usual, George has done an excellent job completely ignoring his daughter’s feelings on the matter. Way to parent!
I bet if there was a parenting competition in Sweet Valley, everyone would lose. And the commentators would be all shocked and scratching their heads like, “I didn’t think it was possible for no one to score any points at all?! ... I guess we can give the trophy to a charity or melt it down or something? Maybe Cash4Gold will buy it?”
The next day, Lila comes home from school and wants to go swimming. When she gets to the pool there is a very bitchy girl named Rachel Grant in the pool. (Rachel is described as having "cocoa colored skin" but that is the only reference to her being black. WHERE'S THE RACISM, SWEET VALLY?) Rachel says her father is going to buy the house so she’s scoping it out. Then she proceeds to liter in the pool, which is just not okay under any circumstances. And she calls Lila “Linda” and makes mean-spirited comments about Lila’s absent mother, so you know I hate her already.
George Fowler and Henry Grant are inside, discussing the price for the house. Why they don’t have real estate agents, I don’t know. Lila kind of attempts to pitch a fit but Mr. Grant starts laughing and says she is so spoiled just like Rachel. Lila is horrified to be compared to Rachel. It turns out George and Henry are both going to “business trips” for two weeks. (Of course they are!) So they agree they’ll settle everything when they get back. In the meantime, George suggests Rachel should stay at Fowler Crest with Lila. Lila isn’t happy with this agreement, but then George never cared about that before. Why wouldn’t he leave his only daughter with a complete stranger for two weeks? It’d serve him right if Rachel turned out to be a dear friend of Margo or something, trying to steal Lila’s life. (PS why hasn’t anyone tried that? Lila’s life is so awesome! I’d rather be Lila than Liz.)
Okay, there’s some foreshadowing about Rachel. She’s got this “friend” Tina who she treats like a servant. And she makes up this lie about where her mother is. Apparently, Rachel has some emotional reason for being bitchy, but I don’t really care so I kind of gloss over those parts. She keeps referring to Lila as “Lulu, Lauren, Lily, Lisa” and a dozen other names. It makes me mad. I can’t take it.
Henry is sending Rachel to “Sweet Valley Pre-Prep” which shocks the heck out of me. Sweet Valley has another middle school? Apparently Pre-Prep is where the smart kids go. Maybe I should be relieved there might be a school where kids learn in Sweet Valley? But, like just how many kids there are in this town that they need so many schools? Anyway, Henry also suggests an interior designer named Mrs. Riels (not Alice Wakefield?!) to George for the new cottage in Sweet Valley. Lila notes that this is odd because Rachel had said earlier that her mother was in Europe with the interior designer. She files this info away for future use.
On Wednesday, Lila arrives home from school to find Rachel’s bags in the hallway. She’s pissed. Then she goes upstairs and discovers that Rachel has moved into Lila’s room. Lila’s like, “Um this is my room?” and Rachel’s all, “So? I’m going to own it soon.” At this point I’d say, “Well you don’t own it yet” and then call the cops because she’s trespassing. But I guess Lila knows the SVPD are made of fail, because she doesn’t instead she says, “Hey where is your mom, really?” and enjoys watching Rachel flinch. Ha!
RANDOM FACT: Lila’s bathtubs have wave machines in them, like her bathroom is a water park or something. I’m so jealous.
Jessica shows up, unannounced. All the Unicorns are coming over, but of course they didn’t tell Lila. Jessica talks about how great Lila’s house is, and again Lila thinks they wouldn’t like her without the house. Oh, Lila. She hides the fact that there’s someone else in the house by suggesting they go to Casey’s instead. I do so wish the Unicorns would wise up to Lila’s feelings here. I mean, how awesome would it be if they all went after Rachel? Lila could say cutting things, Jessica could scheme, Mandy could… I don’t know, give her cancer or something. It’d be awesome. Instead, when Jessica does happen to run into Rachel, Lila tells her she’s this crazy girl whose father is friends with her father.
At dinner, Lila and Rachel end up fighting. They start talking about how each one has awesome stuff. Then Lila hits the mark when she says that she has friends and Rachel doesn’t have anyone but Tina. Rachel says “Well I have a mother.” At this point, I’m all “OH NO SHE DIDN’T!” Luckily, Mrs. Pervis interrupts them before Lila bitch slaps Rachel. See, Rachel’s mother is on the phone. Lila listens in to the call, and she can tell that Mrs. Grant is not in Europe like Rachel claims; she’s in California. So why isn’t she with Rachel? So when Lila goes to retrieve some things from her room, she makes it clear she knows Rachel is hiding something about her mother and that she’s a liar.
After dinner, Jessica shows up again (Jesus, Jessica, maybe call first?) and she says she heard Rachel sobbing through the open window. Lila feels slightly guilty.
Even though Lila told Jessica not to say anything about the “crazy girl” currently residing with Lila, the next day at school everyone knows about it. Even Bruce Patman (HEY BRUCE!). Lila is annoyed. The rumor gets crazier and crazier as it goes around the middle school. Kimberly thinks the girl is half wolf. So Lila tells Jessica not to tell anyone “the truth” but that girl is actually a ghost and Fowler Crest is haunted. She thinks this will ensure that they won’t drop by uninvited anymore. That’s so hilariously random. She’s like “Okay, you guys want to believe stupid stories? I’ll give you some stupid story. That’ll teach you to eat my food and use my pool.” I love Lila.
I forgot to mention, earlier in the book George mentioned that the house next door to Fowler Crest was for sale as well. Rachel is floating in the pool when she hears the new couple moving in. Amelia and Alexander Witherspoon. They sound annoying, and Alexander is totally whipped. Rachel and her dad looked at that property too but it wasn’t as nice as Fowler Crest. Now Rachel wonders if it would’ve been better to move there so she can Lila could be neighbors instead of rivals. I hate to tell you this, Rachel, but it would’ve been so much better to be on Lila’s good side. I can’t even say.
Caroline Pearce writes an article about Lila’s haunted house in the 7 & 8 Gazette (why do seventh and eighth graders share a paper when the sixth graders get their own? Is sixth grade so much more interesting? Why do I even ask?). Somehow(?), Rachel hears about it. Lila is all “Oh, yes, our house is haunted but you learn to live with it.” She hopes that Rachel will go tell her father and the sale will fall through. Rachel pretends to be not scared of a haunted house, but says her mother is really terrified of ghosts and will never set foot in the house if it’s haunted. Lila’s like “Oh, yeah, your mother is scared. Of course, dear.”
Next, Lila calls this fabled Mrs. Riels, the interior designer, pretending to be a potential client (Lulabelle Faulkner). She says she was referred to Mrs. Riels from “Miz Grant.” Mrs. Riels becomes suspicious. “Mrs. Grant?” she asks and Lila can tell she said something wrong so she hangs up claiming her dinner just caught fire. Then she calls Tina. You remember Tina, the girl Rachel treats like a slave? Lila says she’s “the authorities” calling and she needs to know about “Mrs. Grant.” Tina hangs up on her, saying she’s not supposed to talk about it. Tina sounds really scared, like Lila is asking her to be a witness against the mob or something. It's odd.
Lila thinks this Mrs. Grant woman must be a criminal. Why else wouldn’t Tina be allowed to speak of her? So she calls the Los Angeles police department (again, I’m assuming because she’s aware the SVPD are crap) but they’re like, “Listen, kid, if you can’t give us a first name or even tell us what she did, I don’t know what you want us to do? Just tell you what crimes this person is accused of? Who do you think we are? The Sweet Valley Police Department?”
On Friday, Lila gets dressed up and walks around the top floor making scary noises. Meanwhile, Rachel has also decided she doesn’t want to live in this house if it’s haunted so she’s going to pretend to be a ghost too. Who she’s trying to scare since her dad left her alone, I don’t know. It doesn't really make any sense. Maybe Lila so she won't be pissed to be leaving anymore? I don't know. But The point is that both Lila and Rachel are pretending to be ghosts at the same time. The Unicorns show up, and see Rachel being a ghost and freak out. The new next door neighbors see Lila and freak out.
The next day, the Witherspoons harangue Rachel about the ghost. They think it must be illegal to not inform a couple they are moving in next to a haunted house. They say they saw the ghost and point to where Lila was. Rachel’s like, “Shit, that’s not where I was haunting! I was in the attic!” Lila has pretty much the same conversation with the Unicorns and she’s like, “Wait, my house isn’t really haunted, is it?” Oh, Lila, I’d just chalk it up to your friends being super dumb if I were you.
The next day, both Rachel and Lila go examine the places they were told ghosts hung out (aka, where the other had been haunting) to determine if the place is really haunted. This time they hear each other and both freak out. The two girls are scared and they meet up in the living room. They decide to stick together since they’ve both been hearing things. They may not like each other, but there is safety in numbers and obviously neither of their parents care if there children are attacked by ghouls. They sleep in the living room. Lila tells Rachel about a time the Unicorns had a sleepover in the living room and Ellen threw up and had to go home, which is pretty much a requirement of a good sleepover, I think. Rachel says it must be nice to have all those friends. She moves around a lot and is always switching schools, so she doesn’t have a lot of friends, but she stops herself before she can elaborate. It’s not like she and Lila are friends.
The next day, the annoying Witherspoons accost Lila. They demand to speak to her father and she’s like, “Um, he’s not here. Never is, so good luck with that.” They say she should call the “exterminators” about the ghosts and say she should look in the phone book under “Killers, Hired.” This makes me laugh. Lila’s not an idiot; she knows who you gonna call. Then they give her some mail for Rachel that accidentally got delivered to their house. When Lila hands it over, Rachel becomes unhappy and sullen (because she was so personable before!).
Lila tries to talk to her and, when she gets no response she announces, “Hey, Rachel I’m going to go paw through your personal things!” and she does. Ha! Lila discovers that the letter was a catalog from UCLA with an interview with their new professor-Dr. Rachel Grant, who has a daughter, also named Rachel Grant who lives with Dr. Grant’s former husband. Lila’s like, “That’s it? Her parents are divorced? So what?” Rachel comes in and flips out about Lila invading her privacy (hey, wasn't like she wasn't warned!). She says “you wouldn’t understand.”
That pisses Lila off. She’s all, “Hello? I don’t even have a mother! At least yours is, like, around.” Rachel admits that she’s unhappy because things used to be great for her and now they’re not so she’s pissed about it, damnit! Then Rachel starts to cry and Lila actually thinks ”[She wished] Rachel would just shut up and stop crying [… because] there was a feeling in her stomach she couldn’t quite identify.” Aww, Lila’s like, “Stop crying because you’re making me sad, bitch!”
Rachel goes to all kinds of different schools and her parents aren’t around and no one asked her if she wanted to move to stupid Sweet Valley. Lila’s like, “My dad didn’t ask me if it was okay to sell the house! And sometimes I think he goes on business trips to get away from me!” Then Rachel says, “At least you have friends” and Lila finally admits her fear that her friends just like her for her awesome swimming pool, and Rachel says she can tell that’s not it, which is nice of her to say, I suppose. After all, the Unicorns really haven't shown any actual feeling toward Lila this book, so I know she's lying.
Then the doorbell rings. Lila’s like, “Oh snap, Rachel, you gotta get out of here because they think you’re a ghost.” Then they both realize they were both pretending to be ghosts, and Lila says “So there were no ghosts, just a couple of fools jerking each other’s chains…” For some reason, Rachel agrees to pretend to be a ghost if the Unicorns see her. But, of course, Jessica keeps poking around the house and the Unicorns end up chasing Rachel around the whole place.
Finally, the other girls corner Rachel and they’re like “Hey, that’s a girl not a ghost.” Rachel admits, yes she is a person. She says Lila just didn’t want them to know that she was moving. The Unicorns are shocked, “Lila’s moving?!” They can’t believe she didn’t tell them. Then the ghostwriter puts in the big MEANINGFUL MESSAGE that you have to trust your friend and that they care about you. The Unicorns swear they would love Lila no matter where she lived. Jessica says, “We’d rather have you and the house, but I guess we’ll take you anyway.” And I hope she’s just teasing because Jessica would be lost without Lila. LOST.
Everyone makes up. Rachel admits she doesn’t really want this house, she just liked making Lila crazy. She’s not attached to it like Lila is. Lila says it’s too bad that the dorky Witherspoons bought the place next door, because if the Grants bought it then everyone could be happy.
… And then the moment you’ve all been waiting for happens. The Unicorns get their scheme on. Sadly, it takes place “off camera” (or off page, if you will) and that pisses me off, because it'd be the best part of the book by far! They go nuts with the ghost stuff, trying to scare the Witherspoons away. Rattling chains and all that. Once the Witherspoons flee in terror, Rachel calls her dad and convinces him that the house next door is so much better than Fowler Crest (which it’s not, but she says they can build a bigger swimming pool. Ha!).
After that, all that’s left is Lila has to convince her dad to keep Fowler Crest. Surprisingly, George Fowler calls right that second and says he misses his house and he decided independently that he wants to keep it. I suppose that’s an easy way to wrap up the plot, but it’d make me feel better if George said “I know how much you love it so I’m taking your feelings into consideration, like a real father” or something. He even asks her if she would mind staying. Like, hello have you taken one look at her face this entire book? Jesus.
Then the girls get together and decide that Rachel Grant, new owner of the mansion next to Lila’s, should be made a Unicorn. Rachel is surprised and she says she has something to tell them-her parents are divorced. Ellen is like “Um, so are mine, pass the potato chips.” Rachel decides she’d rather go to school with her new friends than Sweet Valley Pre-Prep, so it’s all settled. Lila keeps her house and Rachel gets friends, and everyone is happy.
… Except maybe that girl Tina, who was Rachel’s servant? We never figure out what happens to her or what kind of dirt Rachel had on her. Maybe she spends the rest of her days afraid Rachel is going to put a hit out on her for mentioning Mrs. Grant on the telephone to Lila?
But, on the upside, there was not even a mention of Elizabeth in this book. Lots of Lila and no Liz! That's how I like it!
COVER: The above scene never happens. But there is Lila and Jessica, glaring at Rachel (OMG! She's black! They let black people in Sweet Valley now!) and, I assume, Tina.
I know I read the Unicorn Club series growing up, but I don’t think I got very far into it. The whole Angels thing was new to me when those books were recapped. But when I posted the list of books still to be recapped and saw that there was one title that included the phrase “Lila’s Out” I was like, “This cannot be! Lila is NEVER out. She is forever IN.” Lila is not like Pogs or Beanie Babies or some passing fad. She’s forever cool, like James Dean, without that pesky dying or something.
The 1bruce1 wiki helpfully tells me who this Rachel person is. (See! The wiki is already super-handy!) I’ve decided she must be a bitch to challenge Li. I hope someone pushes her in a pool! THAT’LL SHOW HER.
In fact, I may be outing myself as a complete nerd, but this whole book kind of reminded me of that episode of Jem and the Holograms where Dominick moves into the mansion and takes Krissie’s room, because he’s famous and she’s just some orphan. And then she pushes him into the pool and it turns out he can’t swim. I kept hoping Lila would burst into song. But she doesn't. Sad.
Lila wakes up on a Saturday morning in Fowler Crest. She is all, “La, I love my house. It’s got stained glass windows, cool chandeliers, an Olympic sized swimming pool. My house is the best.” This is my favorite part "Some people made do with pools that were only about twenty feet long, but as far as Lila was concerned, you might as well use your bathtub." Hee. If it’s not fifty meters, why even bother?
George Fowler is actually around which surprises the heck out of me. He and Lila eat breakfast together. We learn that he has no idea what her friends’ names are. He reminds Lila they didn’t finish discussing the house. Lila doesn’t really pay attention to her dad. So when he tells her he’s buying a cottage (only six bedrooms! Imagine!) on the lake she isn’t sure which lake he means. Turns out he means Secca Lake as in, move from this awesome house to the cottage. He says he’s never there so it’s really “seventy-five rooms just for” Lila. That’ sounds about right to me! What’s the problem?! Oh, he thinks that’s too many. Bah.
George has already put the mansion on the market. DUN DUN DUN!
I’m going to take this moment to pause and point out that we all know Lila’s mansion is called “Fowler Crest” but it’s rarely referred to as such in this book. It’s just called the Fowler Mansion. This fact made me slightly nervous that Lila might actually be out at the end. But it turns out-phew-it was just an oversight on the ghostwriter’s part. False alarm, just a continuity error! And, might I add, an obvious missed opportunity! I mean, if Lila’s family moves, are they going to call it Grant Crest? That just sounds dumb. Obviously Lila should stay.
That night, the Unicorns are having a sleepover at Lila’s house. This was planned before Lila’s dad broke the bad news to her. The Unicorns yap on about stupid stuff and talk about how great Lila’s house is. Lila decides not to tell them because she thinks they won’t like her if she doesn’t live there. She thinks, "Ever since breakfast Lila had been just walking around, gently stroking everything she could find that wouldn’t be coming with them to the new cottage…” Aww. I want to give Lila a hug. Moving is tough, especially on kids and, per usual, George has done an excellent job completely ignoring his daughter’s feelings on the matter. Way to parent!
I bet if there was a parenting competition in Sweet Valley, everyone would lose. And the commentators would be all shocked and scratching their heads like, “I didn’t think it was possible for no one to score any points at all?! ... I guess we can give the trophy to a charity or melt it down or something? Maybe Cash4Gold will buy it?”
The next day, Lila comes home from school and wants to go swimming. When she gets to the pool there is a very bitchy girl named Rachel Grant in the pool. (Rachel is described as having "cocoa colored skin" but that is the only reference to her being black. WHERE'S THE RACISM, SWEET VALLY?) Rachel says her father is going to buy the house so she’s scoping it out. Then she proceeds to liter in the pool, which is just not okay under any circumstances. And she calls Lila “Linda” and makes mean-spirited comments about Lila’s absent mother, so you know I hate her already.
George Fowler and Henry Grant are inside, discussing the price for the house. Why they don’t have real estate agents, I don’t know. Lila kind of attempts to pitch a fit but Mr. Grant starts laughing and says she is so spoiled just like Rachel. Lila is horrified to be compared to Rachel. It turns out George and Henry are both going to “business trips” for two weeks. (Of course they are!) So they agree they’ll settle everything when they get back. In the meantime, George suggests Rachel should stay at Fowler Crest with Lila. Lila isn’t happy with this agreement, but then George never cared about that before. Why wouldn’t he leave his only daughter with a complete stranger for two weeks? It’d serve him right if Rachel turned out to be a dear friend of Margo or something, trying to steal Lila’s life. (PS why hasn’t anyone tried that? Lila’s life is so awesome! I’d rather be Lila than Liz.)
Okay, there’s some foreshadowing about Rachel. She’s got this “friend” Tina who she treats like a servant. And she makes up this lie about where her mother is. Apparently, Rachel has some emotional reason for being bitchy, but I don’t really care so I kind of gloss over those parts. She keeps referring to Lila as “Lulu, Lauren, Lily, Lisa” and a dozen other names. It makes me mad. I can’t take it.
Henry is sending Rachel to “Sweet Valley Pre-Prep” which shocks the heck out of me. Sweet Valley has another middle school? Apparently Pre-Prep is where the smart kids go. Maybe I should be relieved there might be a school where kids learn in Sweet Valley? But, like just how many kids there are in this town that they need so many schools? Anyway, Henry also suggests an interior designer named Mrs. Riels (not Alice Wakefield?!) to George for the new cottage in Sweet Valley. Lila notes that this is odd because Rachel had said earlier that her mother was in Europe with the interior designer. She files this info away for future use.
On Wednesday, Lila arrives home from school to find Rachel’s bags in the hallway. She’s pissed. Then she goes upstairs and discovers that Rachel has moved into Lila’s room. Lila’s like, “Um this is my room?” and Rachel’s all, “So? I’m going to own it soon.” At this point I’d say, “Well you don’t own it yet” and then call the cops because she’s trespassing. But I guess Lila knows the SVPD are made of fail, because she doesn’t instead she says, “Hey where is your mom, really?” and enjoys watching Rachel flinch. Ha!
RANDOM FACT: Lila’s bathtubs have wave machines in them, like her bathroom is a water park or something. I’m so jealous.
Jessica shows up, unannounced. All the Unicorns are coming over, but of course they didn’t tell Lila. Jessica talks about how great Lila’s house is, and again Lila thinks they wouldn’t like her without the house. Oh, Lila. She hides the fact that there’s someone else in the house by suggesting they go to Casey’s instead. I do so wish the Unicorns would wise up to Lila’s feelings here. I mean, how awesome would it be if they all went after Rachel? Lila could say cutting things, Jessica could scheme, Mandy could… I don’t know, give her cancer or something. It’d be awesome. Instead, when Jessica does happen to run into Rachel, Lila tells her she’s this crazy girl whose father is friends with her father.
At dinner, Lila and Rachel end up fighting. They start talking about how each one has awesome stuff. Then Lila hits the mark when she says that she has friends and Rachel doesn’t have anyone but Tina. Rachel says “Well I have a mother.” At this point, I’m all “OH NO SHE DIDN’T!” Luckily, Mrs. Pervis interrupts them before Lila bitch slaps Rachel. See, Rachel’s mother is on the phone. Lila listens in to the call, and she can tell that Mrs. Grant is not in Europe like Rachel claims; she’s in California. So why isn’t she with Rachel? So when Lila goes to retrieve some things from her room, she makes it clear she knows Rachel is hiding something about her mother and that she’s a liar.
After dinner, Jessica shows up again (Jesus, Jessica, maybe call first?) and she says she heard Rachel sobbing through the open window. Lila feels slightly guilty.
Even though Lila told Jessica not to say anything about the “crazy girl” currently residing with Lila, the next day at school everyone knows about it. Even Bruce Patman (HEY BRUCE!). Lila is annoyed. The rumor gets crazier and crazier as it goes around the middle school. Kimberly thinks the girl is half wolf. So Lila tells Jessica not to tell anyone “the truth” but that girl is actually a ghost and Fowler Crest is haunted. She thinks this will ensure that they won’t drop by uninvited anymore. That’s so hilariously random. She’s like “Okay, you guys want to believe stupid stories? I’ll give you some stupid story. That’ll teach you to eat my food and use my pool.” I love Lila.
I forgot to mention, earlier in the book George mentioned that the house next door to Fowler Crest was for sale as well. Rachel is floating in the pool when she hears the new couple moving in. Amelia and Alexander Witherspoon. They sound annoying, and Alexander is totally whipped. Rachel and her dad looked at that property too but it wasn’t as nice as Fowler Crest. Now Rachel wonders if it would’ve been better to move there so she can Lila could be neighbors instead of rivals. I hate to tell you this, Rachel, but it would’ve been so much better to be on Lila’s good side. I can’t even say.
Caroline Pearce writes an article about Lila’s haunted house in the 7 & 8 Gazette (why do seventh and eighth graders share a paper when the sixth graders get their own? Is sixth grade so much more interesting? Why do I even ask?). Somehow(?), Rachel hears about it. Lila is all “Oh, yes, our house is haunted but you learn to live with it.” She hopes that Rachel will go tell her father and the sale will fall through. Rachel pretends to be not scared of a haunted house, but says her mother is really terrified of ghosts and will never set foot in the house if it’s haunted. Lila’s like “Oh, yeah, your mother is scared. Of course, dear.”
Next, Lila calls this fabled Mrs. Riels, the interior designer, pretending to be a potential client (Lulabelle Faulkner). She says she was referred to Mrs. Riels from “Miz Grant.” Mrs. Riels becomes suspicious. “Mrs. Grant?” she asks and Lila can tell she said something wrong so she hangs up claiming her dinner just caught fire. Then she calls Tina. You remember Tina, the girl Rachel treats like a slave? Lila says she’s “the authorities” calling and she needs to know about “Mrs. Grant.” Tina hangs up on her, saying she’s not supposed to talk about it. Tina sounds really scared, like Lila is asking her to be a witness against the mob or something. It's odd.
Lila thinks this Mrs. Grant woman must be a criminal. Why else wouldn’t Tina be allowed to speak of her? So she calls the Los Angeles police department (again, I’m assuming because she’s aware the SVPD are crap) but they’re like, “Listen, kid, if you can’t give us a first name or even tell us what she did, I don’t know what you want us to do? Just tell you what crimes this person is accused of? Who do you think we are? The Sweet Valley Police Department?”
On Friday, Lila gets dressed up and walks around the top floor making scary noises. Meanwhile, Rachel has also decided she doesn’t want to live in this house if it’s haunted so she’s going to pretend to be a ghost too. Who she’s trying to scare since her dad left her alone, I don’t know. It doesn't really make any sense. Maybe Lila so she won't be pissed to be leaving anymore? I don't know. But The point is that both Lila and Rachel are pretending to be ghosts at the same time. The Unicorns show up, and see Rachel being a ghost and freak out. The new next door neighbors see Lila and freak out.
The next day, the Witherspoons harangue Rachel about the ghost. They think it must be illegal to not inform a couple they are moving in next to a haunted house. They say they saw the ghost and point to where Lila was. Rachel’s like, “Shit, that’s not where I was haunting! I was in the attic!” Lila has pretty much the same conversation with the Unicorns and she’s like, “Wait, my house isn’t really haunted, is it?” Oh, Lila, I’d just chalk it up to your friends being super dumb if I were you.
The next day, both Rachel and Lila go examine the places they were told ghosts hung out (aka, where the other had been haunting) to determine if the place is really haunted. This time they hear each other and both freak out. The two girls are scared and they meet up in the living room. They decide to stick together since they’ve both been hearing things. They may not like each other, but there is safety in numbers and obviously neither of their parents care if there children are attacked by ghouls. They sleep in the living room. Lila tells Rachel about a time the Unicorns had a sleepover in the living room and Ellen threw up and had to go home, which is pretty much a requirement of a good sleepover, I think. Rachel says it must be nice to have all those friends. She moves around a lot and is always switching schools, so she doesn’t have a lot of friends, but she stops herself before she can elaborate. It’s not like she and Lila are friends.
The next day, the annoying Witherspoons accost Lila. They demand to speak to her father and she’s like, “Um, he’s not here. Never is, so good luck with that.” They say she should call the “exterminators” about the ghosts and say she should look in the phone book under “Killers, Hired.” This makes me laugh. Lila’s not an idiot; she knows who you gonna call. Then they give her some mail for Rachel that accidentally got delivered to their house. When Lila hands it over, Rachel becomes unhappy and sullen (because she was so personable before!).
Lila tries to talk to her and, when she gets no response she announces, “Hey, Rachel I’m going to go paw through your personal things!” and she does. Ha! Lila discovers that the letter was a catalog from UCLA with an interview with their new professor-Dr. Rachel Grant, who has a daughter, also named Rachel Grant who lives with Dr. Grant’s former husband. Lila’s like, “That’s it? Her parents are divorced? So what?” Rachel comes in and flips out about Lila invading her privacy (hey, wasn't like she wasn't warned!). She says “you wouldn’t understand.”
That pisses Lila off. She’s all, “Hello? I don’t even have a mother! At least yours is, like, around.” Rachel admits that she’s unhappy because things used to be great for her and now they’re not so she’s pissed about it, damnit! Then Rachel starts to cry and Lila actually thinks ”[She wished] Rachel would just shut up and stop crying [… because] there was a feeling in her stomach she couldn’t quite identify.” Aww, Lila’s like, “Stop crying because you’re making me sad, bitch!”
Rachel goes to all kinds of different schools and her parents aren’t around and no one asked her if she wanted to move to stupid Sweet Valley. Lila’s like, “My dad didn’t ask me if it was okay to sell the house! And sometimes I think he goes on business trips to get away from me!” Then Rachel says, “At least you have friends” and Lila finally admits her fear that her friends just like her for her awesome swimming pool, and Rachel says she can tell that’s not it, which is nice of her to say, I suppose. After all, the Unicorns really haven't shown any actual feeling toward Lila this book, so I know she's lying.
Then the doorbell rings. Lila’s like, “Oh snap, Rachel, you gotta get out of here because they think you’re a ghost.” Then they both realize they were both pretending to be ghosts, and Lila says “So there were no ghosts, just a couple of fools jerking each other’s chains…” For some reason, Rachel agrees to pretend to be a ghost if the Unicorns see her. But, of course, Jessica keeps poking around the house and the Unicorns end up chasing Rachel around the whole place.
Finally, the other girls corner Rachel and they’re like “Hey, that’s a girl not a ghost.” Rachel admits, yes she is a person. She says Lila just didn’t want them to know that she was moving. The Unicorns are shocked, “Lila’s moving?!” They can’t believe she didn’t tell them. Then the ghostwriter puts in the big MEANINGFUL MESSAGE that you have to trust your friend and that they care about you. The Unicorns swear they would love Lila no matter where she lived. Jessica says, “We’d rather have you and the house, but I guess we’ll take you anyway.” And I hope she’s just teasing because Jessica would be lost without Lila. LOST.
Everyone makes up. Rachel admits she doesn’t really want this house, she just liked making Lila crazy. She’s not attached to it like Lila is. Lila says it’s too bad that the dorky Witherspoons bought the place next door, because if the Grants bought it then everyone could be happy.
… And then the moment you’ve all been waiting for happens. The Unicorns get their scheme on. Sadly, it takes place “off camera” (or off page, if you will) and that pisses me off, because it'd be the best part of the book by far! They go nuts with the ghost stuff, trying to scare the Witherspoons away. Rattling chains and all that. Once the Witherspoons flee in terror, Rachel calls her dad and convinces him that the house next door is so much better than Fowler Crest (which it’s not, but she says they can build a bigger swimming pool. Ha!).
After that, all that’s left is Lila has to convince her dad to keep Fowler Crest. Surprisingly, George Fowler calls right that second and says he misses his house and he decided independently that he wants to keep it. I suppose that’s an easy way to wrap up the plot, but it’d make me feel better if George said “I know how much you love it so I’m taking your feelings into consideration, like a real father” or something. He even asks her if she would mind staying. Like, hello have you taken one look at her face this entire book? Jesus.
Then the girls get together and decide that Rachel Grant, new owner of the mansion next to Lila’s, should be made a Unicorn. Rachel is surprised and she says she has something to tell them-her parents are divorced. Ellen is like “Um, so are mine, pass the potato chips.” Rachel decides she’d rather go to school with her new friends than Sweet Valley Pre-Prep, so it’s all settled. Lila keeps her house and Rachel gets friends, and everyone is happy.
… Except maybe that girl Tina, who was Rachel’s servant? We never figure out what happens to her or what kind of dirt Rachel had on her. Maybe she spends the rest of her days afraid Rachel is going to put a hit out on her for mentioning Mrs. Grant on the telephone to Lila?
But, on the upside, there was not even a mention of Elizabeth in this book. Lots of Lila and no Liz! That's how I like it!