#28 Elizabeth Meets Her Hero
And so I continue my tour through Sweet Valley Kidulthood. It is…. Well it’s not as bad as SV Senior Year. Or Confidential. Or the Sweet Life. But it’s pretty bad. But then, I never liked this book much as a kid.
Front Cover! Liz is dressed as a 2 year old in dungarees and is looking pouty. She has her arms around a Dalmatian dog who looks embarrassed to be on the cover. Her hero “Dr Snapturtle” (a TV vet) is reaching out, with a leash in his hand and a “come here” motion. I’ll be honest with you, I think he’s looking at Liz more than the dog. I bet he’s not even a real vet.
Chapter 1- A Surprise Guest.
Elizabeth is calling Jessica to come watch “Dr Snapturtle’s Animal Hour”. Worst. Name. Ever. It’s their favourite programme that we have never, ever heard them mention before. We then get the usual “blue/green eyes, blah blah.” Ghostie claims Liz plays football. I beg to differ, when has Liz ever, EVER played football? We get some explanation of the show- Dr Snapturtle goes around helping sick and injured animals, tells jokes and has Duke the Dalmation Dog as a sidekick. He’s Rolf Harris only far far creepier. Consider that: after all, Rolf sang the famous song about “Two Little Boys”. (I’m sorry, it’s actually a song about war and soldiers. Low joke. I’m ashamed. :D I love Rolf.)
We get a description of the episode; it is dull. Very dull. Sea creatures, rabbits, zookeepers. I think Ghostie just happened to be watching an Animal Hospital episode and just transcribed it to save time. It finishes with a baby seal with a broken flipper and Dr S finishes with his great signature line “Always be kind to animals”. Yeah, that’ll stop animal cruelty.
Chapter 2- TV Tour
Class trip to the show! Jessica wants to sit in the middle of the bus. What an odd extraneous detail to include. The kids talk excitedly about meeting The Doctor….Snapturtle. Savour the name now, I’m about to give up on it. Charlie Cashman complains that only babies watch it. Lila tells him to shut up and Ellen says that Caroline Pearce says that the Doctor isn’t even a real doctor! Oh noes! (Who cares?) Caroline appears and says that he’s an actor. It’s a shame Caroline gets no characterisation other than being a gossip; I think she must be quite a bright girl. The kids hope to be volunteers and Jessica frowns at the thought of snakes. We get some backstory that the twins have been on TV twice before, once in a TV movie, once on the evening news. Uhh, what? Why were they on the news? I didn’t think it existed in Sweet Valley as not once is Margo or any other serial killer reported on. Maybe they can’t have the news because it would just be constant Wakefield updates. Anyway. Turns out Amy McSlutton has met the good Doctor as her mum works in TV (continuity alert!) and says he’s nice. Mrs Sutton meets the kids at the front to show them round….not really her job to do that, is it?
Chapter 3- Applause, Applause (Look, that word’s repeated! ‘Cause they’re twins!)
APPLAUSE flashes up. The Doctor (as I shall now call him in order to try inject a little awesome into this tedious storyline) comes out and proceeds to do the entire show in one take. In one take. Liz thinks a lot about how he’s not as smiley and cheerful as he usually is. Maybe I’m just not an animal lover (I have a hamster named Luna who stares at the wall a lot. I think she’s looking for nargles.) but none of the animals make me interested in this storyline, not the eagle, not the Pygmy pig. The Doc needs a volunteer. Well, there are Wakefields in the house! So naturally Jessica gets the job, jumping out her seat and waving her hands in the air (like she just don’t care. But she does). Liz giggles- “She could tell Jessica really wanted to be on TV!” Really Liz? Must be that twin intuition. *eye roll*
Jess meets a sea otter. Does she get to hold the lead? No, she gets to hold the bucket of raw fish! She isn’t impressed and frankly, The Doctor is gloating about this. She takes it like a trooper, shivering and making faces. We see from the illustration that the Doc is wearing a shirt saying “I heart animals.” I nearly close the book but like a trooper, I read on. The kids get autographs- Liz asks how the seal is doing and is ignored. What! Hasn’t he looked into her blue/green eyes? Getting back on the bus, Jess realises she’s left her jacket and gets permission to go with Liz to find it. Oh Sweet Valley. You and your negligent adults. The twins walk in and hear The Doctor shouting. Duke wanders over and picks up one of the raw fish. Would a dog really do that? The Doctor appears and yells at him. Poor little mite. Liz shouts out that he’s nasty and Jess yells that he’s a fake. That’s him told!
Chapter 6- Disappointment
The twins report to the SVkids what they saw. Jessica is less worried about poor Duke and more focused on how the evil man made her hold raw fish. Mrs Otis gives them a lecture on jumping to conclusions but it doesn’t stop them from hating him. At home, Mrs Wakefield “finally” (yes it says that) asks how their trip was. Good parenting Alice. Jessica smiles remembering she will be on TV then frowns that she will look silly. Poor Liz is just hearbroken. Jessica sympathises for all of 10 seconds then runs off to see herself on TV.
Chapter 7- A Surprise Visitor
Damage control time! It can’t get out that The Doctor is an evil uncaring man and now will visit the classroom to explain. He has hurt a Wakefield and must make amends. The damning accusations of “phoney” and “meanie” are hurled about the classroom. That’s not so bad, watch some episodes of Supernanny and you’ll hear worse from the kids. Doc appears and explains that the baby seal from earlier had just died putting him in a bad mood. Jeezo mate, you’ve been doing this show for years, you’ve got to be used to this. Liz starts to understand that he’s a human being. Also Liz? He raised his voice to a dog, he didn’t bloody kick the poor thing! I probably shouted louder that time Luna ate half my curtains.
Chapter 8- The Accident
The kids aren’t convinced. Luckily The Doctor has a backup plan and some high connections because right at that moment a dog is hit by a car outside the school. How convenient!
Chapter 9- A True Hero (spoiler alert!)
Doctor Snapturtle (sigh.Still. Really?) springs into action. He has his vet’s bag and runs to help. “Little by little the dog stopped whining and looked at Dr Snapturtle with large, trusting eyes.” I call shenanigans, clearly this dog is an actor. This is the animal version of Sheldon Cooper’s Cousin Leo.
Chapter 10- Saved (stop giving the ending away!)
All is well! The Wakefields have ice cream and recap. Liz claims she used to want to be a vet but now, with the new knowledge that animals can die, she’s not sure. What, the show never admitted defeat with some of the patients before? Also, Liz has never wanted to be a vet. I know my Sweet Valley. She’s the phoney.
Next day, we’re told that the dog will live and if not claimed, may even be a new sidekick on the show. Like I said, actor. The kids want another class trip. Little gits. It’s like my Third Year class at school who walked in last week having had 7 weeks off and complained that I was going to make them work. Mrs Otis says that they’re going to be having a Field Day at Secca Lake. Andy Franklin (the smartest student in the class) then claims that UFOs have been seen there. I thought they just said he was smart? Also, in the illustration Andy is sitting up the front with big glasses on holding a book. In the world of Sweet Valley, Andy sweetheart, you’re doomed. But find out in ANDY AND THE ALIEN #29!
By the way, all these accusations about Dr Snapturtle being a fake vet and no-one pointed out that that probably wasn’t even his real name? Gah!