SVT #37 The War Between The Twins
Some sort of newspaper feud is going on in this book. It all seems a waste of energy, really.
At my school, we didn't have a school newspaper. Once, possibly influenced by too much SVH, my friends and I decided to start one. We didn't even get one issue out, as all authority collapsed when my second-in-command assigned sports editor to someone when I'd already promised it to somebody else. An argument ensued, and yes, she did vow to start her own paper. Neither were created.
As a result, I've never really understood the significance of the school newspaper in the Sweet Valley series. Hell, they even get offices! Most school events are too dull to bear reading about, except for the really good stuff which you're not allowed to print. Once at secondary school, after a joint dance with the local boys school, the newspaper team (again the only issue they printed) had to spend their lunch time tip-exing out one line from their gossip section because a girl got upset that something was printed. It was only that she'd kissed a boy, but seeing as we were 12/13 at that time, it was VERY BIG NEWS. Anyway! Onwards!
Jessica proudly produces the shitty article on the Unicorns Elizabeth allowed to write last book. Elizabeth promises that it’ll be in the next issue of the Sixers. Probably not on the front page.
At lunch, the Unicorns are very excited about Jessica’s article. Maybe they could make it a regular thing! No. It’ll be in the issue coming out tomorrow. That night there will be a Unicorns meeting at Lila’s house. Jessica will be sleeping over so they can work on their social studies project. Remember that, kids.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth and Julie Porter are working on the final ditto masters for the next issue. So much news coming out this week! Just as they’re about to begin printing, their faculty advisor Mr Bowman runs in. And yes, he yells “Stop the presses!” This is a description of Mr Bowman:
Mr. Bowman taught sixth grade English. He was the faculty supervisor for the Sixers. His students liked to tease him because he never wore clothes that co-ordinated. Today for instance, he was wearing a pink pin-striped shirt with a yellow and green polka dot bow tie.
Yeah, Mr Bowman is one of those teachers.
He tells them that Coach Cassels broke his leg in the park last night, and will be in the hospital for a few weeks. Obviously this is big news, so the front page will have to be re-done. But if Coach Cassels broke his leg last night, why the sudden announcement? Clearly Mr Bowman is fucking with them. Or Coach Cassels did it so late at night that word only just got out. What would a single man be doing alone in a park late at night? Sure, Bowman says it was playing football, but we know the truth. Mr Bowman is going to let Amy write up the story in his English class that afternoon. Instead of working. But what will be taken out to make room for this hot, sexy story? Yes, the Unicorn story. I’m sure Jessica will be fine with it!
Liz is at home, waiting to break the bad news to Jessica. Her mother reminds her that Jessica is staying at Lila’s house that night. Elizabeth thinks that she shouldn’t tell Jessica the news over the phone. Jeez, it’s not like anybody’s died. Except, of course, for a very small piece of Jessica’s soul. Elizabeth decides on distributing the newspapers tomorrow morning and finding Jessica as soon as she gets into school. Yeah, that’ll work.
At the Unicorn meeting/ social studies assignment, Janet is assigning Unicorns to their dance committees. She then tells everyone to get non-Unicorns on their committees, so “nobody can accuse the Unicorns of trying to steal the spotlight.” I see Janet Howell’s Stalinist aspirations continue. Jessica is on publicity, and Lila is in charge of finding an act to play at the dance, because her uncle works in the music industry.
Unsurprisingly, Jessica and Lila are a little late to school, and are dropped off at the back door by Lila’s dad. Elizabeth waits at the front entrance of the school for Jessica. Oh no! Elizabeth and Amy decide to catch Jessica before homeroom - but she’s already got a paper!
Jessica, Lila and Ellen look in vain for the article. At first Jessica think it’s a mistake, but then she realises, no. Elizabeth has done this on purpose, because she hates the Unicorns and everything they stand for! “How dare Elizabeth do such a thing? It was an insult to her and to all the Unicorns!” Elizabeth tries to explain what happened, but Jessica accuses her of doing it intentionally. Then Elizabeth says her article was the least important, which is a really bad thing to say to someone with such an inflated sense of self-worth. They yell at each other. “Who cares about your stupid facts?” yells Jessica. Very Colbert of you.
Jessica declares that the Unicorns are going to start their own newspaper, and it’s going to be better than anything Elizabeth can imagine! Yeah, that’ll show her!
Jessica feels really smug about her snap decision. At lunch, Janet Howell, head Unicorn, is disappointed that the article was not run, but understands it was Elizabeth’s fault. How benevolent of her. She’s also heard about starting a newspaper. Howell approves! And as president of the Unicorns, obviously Janet will be the editor. Jessica is unimpressed, but Janet’s minions don’t dare contradict her. They toast to Jessica, using their milk cartons.
Elizabeth bumps into Jessica after school. Elizabeth is contrite. Jessica is belligerent. Elizabeth thinks “If that’s the way you feel, Jessica, then the battle of the newspapers is on!” I wish these children had something more important to focus on. Maybe their parents should get divorced, or Steven could join the army or something.
The Unicorns meet to discuss their paper. Possible names - The Unicorn News; Unicorn Tales; Hoof Print. That particularly bad suggestion is Lila’s, who will later create the awful cheer “Go Sweet Valley - please don’t dally”. Some surprising continuity. Jessica wants The Purple Post. After several votes, they still can’t decide. Democracy doesn’t work! They also need to decide who the editors are, although Janet is considering assigning people rather than having elections. More signs of her dictatorship. Now onto layout - Lila suggests purple paper. Everyone gets very excited, until Mary, the sane one, suggests that it would be hard to read. So light purple paper it is! They move onto what types of article they should print, but by the end of the meeting the only thing they can decide on is purple paper.
Eventually they give up on the newspaper meeting and move onto prom stuff. Yup, definitely open to all. Lila’s dance committee declare that people don’t want to hear the same bands, but they can’t afford anyone different. Her uncle who works for a record label may be able to help them, so they’re going to advertise a special mystery guest. Jessica suggests advertising the special mystery guest in the newspaper. That’s some joined-up thinking.
At their next meeting, the editors are announced (It seem Janet found democracy a bit wearisome after all). Ellen is fashion editor (she’s useless! Utterly useless!), Lila entertainment editor and Jessica is news editor, second in command to Janet. Mary is production manager. Everyone will help compiling, and they’ll get Janet’s father’s secretary to type up the dittos. That poor woman. Lila suggests putting their paper out on Tuesdays, to compete with the Sixers which comes out on Wednesdays. Cunning! Finally, the paper is named The Unicorn News. More of Janet’s totalitarian tendencies:
There was silence. Several people looked like they wanted to disagree, but nobody had the nerve to speak up.
Jessica throws herself into creating the newspaper. She hassles everyone to write stuff. Lila buys the paper, which costs them $15 - half of what they had in the Unicorn treasury! Really? Because last book there was $49 in there. Somebody’s skimming off the top. Probably Janet. Also, Lila bought bright purple paper, because she’s a moron. Another example of Ellen’s incompetence, in her fashion article:
Jessica looked at the story. The headline read PURPLE IS THIS SEASON’S FASHION COLOUR and it was about Ellen’s new sweater. Three words in the first sentence were misspelled.
As the stories come in, they are poorly written, mis-spelled and shorter than expected, such as Tamara’s article on the history of the Unicorns, which is supposed to be two pages and is instead two paragraphs. Also, Janet’s father’s secretary is on vacation. Mary is typing up four to eight pages by herself. Jessica declares she’ll help. Lila would too, but her dad has bought her tickets to something more interesting. Ellen would help, but she’s going shopping.
When Jessica and Mary put it together, they only have enough for three pages. Jessica adds in the minutes of a Unicorn meeting, and a letter Ellen and Lila wrote to the local tv station demanding more Donnie Diamond coverage. Would they really want the minutes of a Unicorn meeting printed? “12:52: An argument begins between Ellen Riteman and Jessica Wakefield over who is cuter: Bruce Patman or Ken Matthews? A vote is called. Ken Matthews wins, by two votes.”
Monday. They try to use the ditto machine, but the school office is using it. Tuesday: The ditto machine is being used by the Sixers. Mary and Jessica have to come back Wednesday afternoon, and miss a Boosters meeting to use the machine. They run the copies off. The paper is so dark it’s almost impossible to read the print. They get distributed; everyone is super-excited, despite not doing any work toward it. By the end of the day, no-one has taken a copy. Because it’s a piece of shit.
The Sixers mock The Unicorn News. They especially like the meeting minutes, where they spend ten minutes deciding their least favourite colour. Green, apparently. What’s wrong with green? Elizabeth is not amused by their laughter, and is as sanctimonious as usual:
Jessica must be terribly embarrassed. But maybe it was just as well. Her twin needed to learn just how much effort went into a newspaper. Maybe then she’d appreciate the Sixers a little more.
The Unicorns have a post-mortum. They think it was because the print was too dark, and consider throwing in the towel because nobody understands their genius. Jessica, of course, can’t have this because Elizabeth would WIN. Janet decides she’s right; their reputation needs to be protected. They’ll do another edition, but Jessica gets to be editor-in-chief because Janet can’t be bothered.
Jessica proudly tells her family at dinner, mainly to rub Elizabeth’s nose in it. Steven has this response:
“Editor-in-chief, huh?” asked the twins’ fourteen-year-old brother Steven. “I guess we’ll have to call you Big Chief Jessie.” He put his hand up to his mouth and did an Indian war-whoop. “woo-woo-woo-woo.”
Indeed.
Mrs Wakefield makes Elizabeth congratulate Jessica on her promotion.
Jessica calls an editorial meeting at her house, after having spent the last night studying old copies of the Sixers to steal ideas. And hey, she does appreciate the Sixers a little more now! Jessica, being sane and rational, makes these changes; cutting it down to four pages; printing it on white paper; changing the name to The Middle School News. And it won’t just be about the Unicorns. They still can’t come up with any ideas for it. But then, Tamara comes in, incredibly late. She saw a man who looked like Donny Diamond, and chased him across town to get his autograph. It wasn’t him. Here is Ellen’s insightful commentary on her chase:
Hey, Tamara, you followed some guy across town for nothing.
Lila thinks of an idea: an interview with Donny Diamond! Except they haven’t actually interviewed him. She justifies it with “We don’t have to ask him any questions, we already know the answers!” They’ll say they were introduced to him through Lila’s uncle. Jessica knows it’s wrong, but can’t help wanting to crush Elizabeth and everything she stands for.
They make up the answers; his favourite colour is purple and his favourite animal a unicorn. They’re not even trying to make this plausible. Then they run out of ideas, and cheerfully plagiarise an article from SMASH! Magazine. They want to add a picture of Donny, but they’d have to use a photocopier rather than the ditto machine, and they won’t be able to afford that. Unless they charge for the paper. But remembering the debacle of last week’s paper, Jessica doesn’t want to charge before knowing people will buy it. They decide to use Donny’s autograph, found on the letter Lila got from his fanclub last month.
This time Jessica gets organised and books the ditto machine in advance. Wednesday morning, their crappy newspaper is displayed in every homeroom in the school. It’s so successful they have to run off 100 more copies. Are children really that gullible?
The Sixers discuss the Diamond interview at lunch. Next week they’re planning to feature a story about new science books. There are posters for the next edition of Sweet Valley News - Donny Diamond answers questions - and they’re charging fifteen cents per copy! How could they?
The Unicorns answer the questions written in. Presumably they had some place to collect them. Most of them are boring and repetitive, much like these books. A girl has written in to ask Donnie’s advice about her jealous boyfriend. Jessica’s response equates jealousy with caring, and tells her to make him more jealous. You know, it’s a really good thing that Jessica only got involved with idiot teenage boys, and nobody any more dangerous. I can see her thinking possessiveness = love. You may now post example of dangerous guys from Sweet Valley. Kimberley gives a rational answer, saying he’s jealous because he doesn’t think you care.
But wait! Mary has a serious typed letter. It reads: “Dear Donny, your interview was very interesting. But I don’t believe the Unicorns really know you. I hope I’m wrong. Of course, all you have to do to prove it is to print a photograph of you and the Unicorns together.” The gauntlet is thrown! They guess it’s from the Sixers. Jessica decides to up the stakes a little…
The next edition is out. The Sixers continue to sulk. Everyone is going crazy about the new picture, which has a suspiciously blurry picture of Donny and the Unicorns. The Unicorns have made $45 on this edition alone. One of the suggestions for spending the money is to buy everyone Unicorn Club jackets. What, like the Pink Ladies in Grease? And $45 for at least eight jackets? You couldn’t even get that at sweatshop prices. The true story of the Donny/Unicorn picture is revealed: Jessica used a picture of the Unicorns with Janet’s brother, and stuck Donny’s face on it. HIS HED IZ PASTEDE ON YAY! Also, tickets are selling really fast for the dance. Lila still won’t say who the mystery guest is. She totally doesn’t have one. It’s going to be like My Super Sweet Sixteen where the parents tell the kid whoever they wanted can’t make it, and they’re all bummed and oh! There they are! Lila admits to Jessica (and only Jessica) that her uncle hasn’t exactly come through for her. She asks Jessica for an idea, and by idea, she means gives Jessica the responsibility of getting a replacement. Sorry, back-up.
The gym teacher Ms Langberg wants to see Jessica. She’s interested in how the Unicorns got to see Donny Diamond, because she’s a really big fan. Jessica parrots the story about Lila’s music business uncle. I’m starting to think Lila’s uncle is in the music business in the sense that he owns a record shop. Ms Langberg is pretty hilarious in this scene: “Go on Jessica, tell me more about it. It’s such an amazing story, it’s almost unbelievable.” Jessica fobs her off a bit, and says she needs to go eat lunch with the Unicorns. You know the teachers must laugh their arses off at the mere existence of a Unicorn club.
The Unicorns answer more Donny questions. They’re getting harder now that the obvious stuff is done with. I don’t know why they don’t just make up the questions themselves. They certainly make up the answers. Someone asks what car he drives - they don’t know, so they say he has six and doesn’t have time to drive them.
And another typed question! “Dear Unicorns, I have to give you an A for effort. But the picture of Donny Diamond is a fake. You’re just pretending to know him. Here’s a question for you. You’d better answer it quick, before you get yourselves in big trouble. How far can you go before you get caught?” Oh noes!
Elizabeth tries to talk to Jessica in the cafeteria. Jessica accuses her of sending the notes. Elizabeth is confused; she wanted to tell Jessica about the rumours of Donnie Diamond being the mystery guest at the dance. Jessica freaks out and blames Elizabeth for everything. Jessica tells Lila. She freaks out. They tell Janet. She is perfectly calm, and says rumours are good for business. Even if they’re completely wrong. Jessica continues to blame Elizabeth.
Even the twins’ older brother believes the rumour. It’s going around the high school because Caroline Pearce told her older sister. It seems nobody can see through this obvious lie, because clearly a rock star would be friends with a group of twelve-year-old girls. And now that I’ve typed that, it seems seriously dodgy. High-school students are even getting their younger siblings to buy tickets for them. Steven cheerfully points out that Donny Diamond talks about how much he loves his Chevy convertible in Sports Car magazine, showing the Unicorns are making it up. Also, Lila calls and her uncle completely forgot about the mystery guest and they have no one.
Ms Langberg talks to Jessica and Lila about the Donny Diamond rumours. They deny any knowledge, and say he isn’t performing. Langberg pushes them further, and they admit that they don’t know him, and they made up everything. Jessica and Lila are shame-faced. Langberg decides they have to publicly apologise at the dance. Also, Ms Langberg offers her cousin from Santa Monica as an act for the dance. He’s an accordionist. His band is called Donald Kaminsky and the Polka Dots.
The night of the dance. Understandably, Jessica doesn’t want to go. It seems at some point in the last week Elizabeth and Jessica made up. Elizabeth is way too nice to her and gives Jessica her favourite blue dress. And she does Jessica’s hair in a French braid, the way she likes to do it for special occasions. Lila calls up, claiming she’s sick. Jessica won’t let her stay home. At the dance everyone is freakishly excited about Donny Diamond. Jessica feels ill. She sees Donald Kaminsky - “The accordion player had strange, woolly red hair, and he was wearing a green plaid coat and a pair of nerdy green-rimmed glasses. And he had on a bow tie. A polka dot bow tie.”
Jessica and Lila come clean. The crowd turns on them. They introduce Donald Kaminsky and the Polka Dots. The audience chants for Donny Diamond. At first the Polka Dots are confused, but then Donald Kaminsky IS Donny Diamond! Surprise! He launches into “the wildest version ever of “Hot Rockin’ Tonight”. That is the lamest name for a song ever. It may as well be “Rock with the Rockin Rock.”
Jessica and Lila come out unscathed and everyone loves them, instead of being social pariahs. It turns out Donny Diamond is Ms Langberg’s cousin, and Kaminsky is his real name. Surely such superfans would know that? Or is Donny Diamond ashamed of his background? Also, Donny is the one who sent them those letters. What, is he in between record deals? He felt it was wrong they were misleading people and making money out of his name without permission. So he sues them, for $45. Not really. So he decided to be the mystery guest blahblahdlkfkdkf. Jessica and Lila resolve to stop printing the newspaper, and give the money to something worthy. Donny Diamond has his picture taken with the unicorns.
You know what would be a better ending? If Jessica and Lila apologised and everyone threw stuff at them.
B Plot: Lois Waller, whose characterisation is fat kid, is being teased by Bruce Patman. He’s offering a dollar to anyone who can guess her weight. Elizabeth disapproves.
Later, Bruce Patman challenges Lois to a race on his new Italian racing bike, and her cruddy old bike. Lois defends herself and says there’s no point, seeing as he’s got a shiny new bike and hers is rusted and corroded. Probably. Bruce says he wants to race her so she’ll lose weight. Nice. She eventually agrees to race him to the corner so he’ll go away. When Lois goes to pedal, her pedals fall off. Bruce actually went to the effort to bring a wrench to school so he could meddle with her bike. Predictable jokes about her being so far she broke her bike. Once her humiliation is complete, then Elizabeth comes over to help Lois. Lois thinks she actually broke her bike. Amy says she can fix it.
Something has to be done about Bruce Patman. But what? Don’t ask me, I don’t have the next book.
At my school, we didn't have a school newspaper. Once, possibly influenced by too much SVH, my friends and I decided to start one. We didn't even get one issue out, as all authority collapsed when my second-in-command assigned sports editor to someone when I'd already promised it to somebody else. An argument ensued, and yes, she did vow to start her own paper. Neither were created.
As a result, I've never really understood the significance of the school newspaper in the Sweet Valley series. Hell, they even get offices! Most school events are too dull to bear reading about, except for the really good stuff which you're not allowed to print. Once at secondary school, after a joint dance with the local boys school, the newspaper team (again the only issue they printed) had to spend their lunch time tip-exing out one line from their gossip section because a girl got upset that something was printed. It was only that she'd kissed a boy, but seeing as we were 12/13 at that time, it was VERY BIG NEWS. Anyway! Onwards!
Jessica proudly produces the shitty article on the Unicorns Elizabeth allowed to write last book. Elizabeth promises that it’ll be in the next issue of the Sixers. Probably not on the front page.
At lunch, the Unicorns are very excited about Jessica’s article. Maybe they could make it a regular thing! No. It’ll be in the issue coming out tomorrow. That night there will be a Unicorns meeting at Lila’s house. Jessica will be sleeping over so they can work on their social studies project. Remember that, kids.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth and Julie Porter are working on the final ditto masters for the next issue. So much news coming out this week! Just as they’re about to begin printing, their faculty advisor Mr Bowman runs in. And yes, he yells “Stop the presses!” This is a description of Mr Bowman:
Mr. Bowman taught sixth grade English. He was the faculty supervisor for the Sixers. His students liked to tease him because he never wore clothes that co-ordinated. Today for instance, he was wearing a pink pin-striped shirt with a yellow and green polka dot bow tie.
Yeah, Mr Bowman is one of those teachers.
He tells them that Coach Cassels broke his leg in the park last night, and will be in the hospital for a few weeks. Obviously this is big news, so the front page will have to be re-done. But if Coach Cassels broke his leg last night, why the sudden announcement? Clearly Mr Bowman is fucking with them. Or Coach Cassels did it so late at night that word only just got out. What would a single man be doing alone in a park late at night? Sure, Bowman says it was playing football, but we know the truth. Mr Bowman is going to let Amy write up the story in his English class that afternoon. Instead of working. But what will be taken out to make room for this hot, sexy story? Yes, the Unicorn story. I’m sure Jessica will be fine with it!
Liz is at home, waiting to break the bad news to Jessica. Her mother reminds her that Jessica is staying at Lila’s house that night. Elizabeth thinks that she shouldn’t tell Jessica the news over the phone. Jeez, it’s not like anybody’s died. Except, of course, for a very small piece of Jessica’s soul. Elizabeth decides on distributing the newspapers tomorrow morning and finding Jessica as soon as she gets into school. Yeah, that’ll work.
At the Unicorn meeting/ social studies assignment, Janet is assigning Unicorns to their dance committees. She then tells everyone to get non-Unicorns on their committees, so “nobody can accuse the Unicorns of trying to steal the spotlight.” I see Janet Howell’s Stalinist aspirations continue. Jessica is on publicity, and Lila is in charge of finding an act to play at the dance, because her uncle works in the music industry.
Unsurprisingly, Jessica and Lila are a little late to school, and are dropped off at the back door by Lila’s dad. Elizabeth waits at the front entrance of the school for Jessica. Oh no! Elizabeth and Amy decide to catch Jessica before homeroom - but she’s already got a paper!
Jessica, Lila and Ellen look in vain for the article. At first Jessica think it’s a mistake, but then she realises, no. Elizabeth has done this on purpose, because she hates the Unicorns and everything they stand for! “How dare Elizabeth do such a thing? It was an insult to her and to all the Unicorns!” Elizabeth tries to explain what happened, but Jessica accuses her of doing it intentionally. Then Elizabeth says her article was the least important, which is a really bad thing to say to someone with such an inflated sense of self-worth. They yell at each other. “Who cares about your stupid facts?” yells Jessica. Very Colbert of you.
Jessica declares that the Unicorns are going to start their own newspaper, and it’s going to be better than anything Elizabeth can imagine! Yeah, that’ll show her!
Jessica feels really smug about her snap decision. At lunch, Janet Howell, head Unicorn, is disappointed that the article was not run, but understands it was Elizabeth’s fault. How benevolent of her. She’s also heard about starting a newspaper. Howell approves! And as president of the Unicorns, obviously Janet will be the editor. Jessica is unimpressed, but Janet’s minions don’t dare contradict her. They toast to Jessica, using their milk cartons.
Elizabeth bumps into Jessica after school. Elizabeth is contrite. Jessica is belligerent. Elizabeth thinks “If that’s the way you feel, Jessica, then the battle of the newspapers is on!” I wish these children had something more important to focus on. Maybe their parents should get divorced, or Steven could join the army or something.
The Unicorns meet to discuss their paper. Possible names - The Unicorn News; Unicorn Tales; Hoof Print. That particularly bad suggestion is Lila’s, who will later create the awful cheer “Go Sweet Valley - please don’t dally”. Some surprising continuity. Jessica wants The Purple Post. After several votes, they still can’t decide. Democracy doesn’t work! They also need to decide who the editors are, although Janet is considering assigning people rather than having elections. More signs of her dictatorship. Now onto layout - Lila suggests purple paper. Everyone gets very excited, until Mary, the sane one, suggests that it would be hard to read. So light purple paper it is! They move onto what types of article they should print, but by the end of the meeting the only thing they can decide on is purple paper.
Eventually they give up on the newspaper meeting and move onto prom stuff. Yup, definitely open to all. Lila’s dance committee declare that people don’t want to hear the same bands, but they can’t afford anyone different. Her uncle who works for a record label may be able to help them, so they’re going to advertise a special mystery guest. Jessica suggests advertising the special mystery guest in the newspaper. That’s some joined-up thinking.
At their next meeting, the editors are announced (It seem Janet found democracy a bit wearisome after all). Ellen is fashion editor (she’s useless! Utterly useless!), Lila entertainment editor and Jessica is news editor, second in command to Janet. Mary is production manager. Everyone will help compiling, and they’ll get Janet’s father’s secretary to type up the dittos. That poor woman. Lila suggests putting their paper out on Tuesdays, to compete with the Sixers which comes out on Wednesdays. Cunning! Finally, the paper is named The Unicorn News. More of Janet’s totalitarian tendencies:
There was silence. Several people looked like they wanted to disagree, but nobody had the nerve to speak up.
Jessica throws herself into creating the newspaper. She hassles everyone to write stuff. Lila buys the paper, which costs them $15 - half of what they had in the Unicorn treasury! Really? Because last book there was $49 in there. Somebody’s skimming off the top. Probably Janet. Also, Lila bought bright purple paper, because she’s a moron. Another example of Ellen’s incompetence, in her fashion article:
Jessica looked at the story. The headline read PURPLE IS THIS SEASON’S FASHION COLOUR and it was about Ellen’s new sweater. Three words in the first sentence were misspelled.
As the stories come in, they are poorly written, mis-spelled and shorter than expected, such as Tamara’s article on the history of the Unicorns, which is supposed to be two pages and is instead two paragraphs. Also, Janet’s father’s secretary is on vacation. Mary is typing up four to eight pages by herself. Jessica declares she’ll help. Lila would too, but her dad has bought her tickets to something more interesting. Ellen would help, but she’s going shopping.
When Jessica and Mary put it together, they only have enough for three pages. Jessica adds in the minutes of a Unicorn meeting, and a letter Ellen and Lila wrote to the local tv station demanding more Donnie Diamond coverage. Would they really want the minutes of a Unicorn meeting printed? “12:52: An argument begins between Ellen Riteman and Jessica Wakefield over who is cuter: Bruce Patman or Ken Matthews? A vote is called. Ken Matthews wins, by two votes.”
Monday. They try to use the ditto machine, but the school office is using it. Tuesday: The ditto machine is being used by the Sixers. Mary and Jessica have to come back Wednesday afternoon, and miss a Boosters meeting to use the machine. They run the copies off. The paper is so dark it’s almost impossible to read the print. They get distributed; everyone is super-excited, despite not doing any work toward it. By the end of the day, no-one has taken a copy. Because it’s a piece of shit.
The Sixers mock The Unicorn News. They especially like the meeting minutes, where they spend ten minutes deciding their least favourite colour. Green, apparently. What’s wrong with green? Elizabeth is not amused by their laughter, and is as sanctimonious as usual:
Jessica must be terribly embarrassed. But maybe it was just as well. Her twin needed to learn just how much effort went into a newspaper. Maybe then she’d appreciate the Sixers a little more.
The Unicorns have a post-mortum. They think it was because the print was too dark, and consider throwing in the towel because nobody understands their genius. Jessica, of course, can’t have this because Elizabeth would WIN. Janet decides she’s right; their reputation needs to be protected. They’ll do another edition, but Jessica gets to be editor-in-chief because Janet can’t be bothered.
Jessica proudly tells her family at dinner, mainly to rub Elizabeth’s nose in it. Steven has this response:
“Editor-in-chief, huh?” asked the twins’ fourteen-year-old brother Steven. “I guess we’ll have to call you Big Chief Jessie.” He put his hand up to his mouth and did an Indian war-whoop. “woo-woo-woo-woo.”
Indeed.
Mrs Wakefield makes Elizabeth congratulate Jessica on her promotion.
Jessica calls an editorial meeting at her house, after having spent the last night studying old copies of the Sixers to steal ideas. And hey, she does appreciate the Sixers a little more now! Jessica, being sane and rational, makes these changes; cutting it down to four pages; printing it on white paper; changing the name to The Middle School News. And it won’t just be about the Unicorns. They still can’t come up with any ideas for it. But then, Tamara comes in, incredibly late. She saw a man who looked like Donny Diamond, and chased him across town to get his autograph. It wasn’t him. Here is Ellen’s insightful commentary on her chase:
Hey, Tamara, you followed some guy across town for nothing.
Lila thinks of an idea: an interview with Donny Diamond! Except they haven’t actually interviewed him. She justifies it with “We don’t have to ask him any questions, we already know the answers!” They’ll say they were introduced to him through Lila’s uncle. Jessica knows it’s wrong, but can’t help wanting to crush Elizabeth and everything she stands for.
They make up the answers; his favourite colour is purple and his favourite animal a unicorn. They’re not even trying to make this plausible. Then they run out of ideas, and cheerfully plagiarise an article from SMASH! Magazine. They want to add a picture of Donny, but they’d have to use a photocopier rather than the ditto machine, and they won’t be able to afford that. Unless they charge for the paper. But remembering the debacle of last week’s paper, Jessica doesn’t want to charge before knowing people will buy it. They decide to use Donny’s autograph, found on the letter Lila got from his fanclub last month.
This time Jessica gets organised and books the ditto machine in advance. Wednesday morning, their crappy newspaper is displayed in every homeroom in the school. It’s so successful they have to run off 100 more copies. Are children really that gullible?
The Sixers discuss the Diamond interview at lunch. Next week they’re planning to feature a story about new science books. There are posters for the next edition of Sweet Valley News - Donny Diamond answers questions - and they’re charging fifteen cents per copy! How could they?
The Unicorns answer the questions written in. Presumably they had some place to collect them. Most of them are boring and repetitive, much like these books. A girl has written in to ask Donnie’s advice about her jealous boyfriend. Jessica’s response equates jealousy with caring, and tells her to make him more jealous. You know, it’s a really good thing that Jessica only got involved with idiot teenage boys, and nobody any more dangerous. I can see her thinking possessiveness = love. You may now post example of dangerous guys from Sweet Valley. Kimberley gives a rational answer, saying he’s jealous because he doesn’t think you care.
But wait! Mary has a serious typed letter. It reads: “Dear Donny, your interview was very interesting. But I don’t believe the Unicorns really know you. I hope I’m wrong. Of course, all you have to do to prove it is to print a photograph of you and the Unicorns together.” The gauntlet is thrown! They guess it’s from the Sixers. Jessica decides to up the stakes a little…
The next edition is out. The Sixers continue to sulk. Everyone is going crazy about the new picture, which has a suspiciously blurry picture of Donny and the Unicorns. The Unicorns have made $45 on this edition alone. One of the suggestions for spending the money is to buy everyone Unicorn Club jackets. What, like the Pink Ladies in Grease? And $45 for at least eight jackets? You couldn’t even get that at sweatshop prices. The true story of the Donny/Unicorn picture is revealed: Jessica used a picture of the Unicorns with Janet’s brother, and stuck Donny’s face on it. HIS HED IZ PASTEDE ON YAY! Also, tickets are selling really fast for the dance. Lila still won’t say who the mystery guest is. She totally doesn’t have one. It’s going to be like My Super Sweet Sixteen where the parents tell the kid whoever they wanted can’t make it, and they’re all bummed and oh! There they are! Lila admits to Jessica (and only Jessica) that her uncle hasn’t exactly come through for her. She asks Jessica for an idea, and by idea, she means gives Jessica the responsibility of getting a replacement. Sorry, back-up.
The gym teacher Ms Langberg wants to see Jessica. She’s interested in how the Unicorns got to see Donny Diamond, because she’s a really big fan. Jessica parrots the story about Lila’s music business uncle. I’m starting to think Lila’s uncle is in the music business in the sense that he owns a record shop. Ms Langberg is pretty hilarious in this scene: “Go on Jessica, tell me more about it. It’s such an amazing story, it’s almost unbelievable.” Jessica fobs her off a bit, and says she needs to go eat lunch with the Unicorns. You know the teachers must laugh their arses off at the mere existence of a Unicorn club.
The Unicorns answer more Donny questions. They’re getting harder now that the obvious stuff is done with. I don’t know why they don’t just make up the questions themselves. They certainly make up the answers. Someone asks what car he drives - they don’t know, so they say he has six and doesn’t have time to drive them.
And another typed question! “Dear Unicorns, I have to give you an A for effort. But the picture of Donny Diamond is a fake. You’re just pretending to know him. Here’s a question for you. You’d better answer it quick, before you get yourselves in big trouble. How far can you go before you get caught?” Oh noes!
Elizabeth tries to talk to Jessica in the cafeteria. Jessica accuses her of sending the notes. Elizabeth is confused; she wanted to tell Jessica about the rumours of Donnie Diamond being the mystery guest at the dance. Jessica freaks out and blames Elizabeth for everything. Jessica tells Lila. She freaks out. They tell Janet. She is perfectly calm, and says rumours are good for business. Even if they’re completely wrong. Jessica continues to blame Elizabeth.
Even the twins’ older brother believes the rumour. It’s going around the high school because Caroline Pearce told her older sister. It seems nobody can see through this obvious lie, because clearly a rock star would be friends with a group of twelve-year-old girls. And now that I’ve typed that, it seems seriously dodgy. High-school students are even getting their younger siblings to buy tickets for them. Steven cheerfully points out that Donny Diamond talks about how much he loves his Chevy convertible in Sports Car magazine, showing the Unicorns are making it up. Also, Lila calls and her uncle completely forgot about the mystery guest and they have no one.
Ms Langberg talks to Jessica and Lila about the Donny Diamond rumours. They deny any knowledge, and say he isn’t performing. Langberg pushes them further, and they admit that they don’t know him, and they made up everything. Jessica and Lila are shame-faced. Langberg decides they have to publicly apologise at the dance. Also, Ms Langberg offers her cousin from Santa Monica as an act for the dance. He’s an accordionist. His band is called Donald Kaminsky and the Polka Dots.
The night of the dance. Understandably, Jessica doesn’t want to go. It seems at some point in the last week Elizabeth and Jessica made up. Elizabeth is way too nice to her and gives Jessica her favourite blue dress. And she does Jessica’s hair in a French braid, the way she likes to do it for special occasions. Lila calls up, claiming she’s sick. Jessica won’t let her stay home. At the dance everyone is freakishly excited about Donny Diamond. Jessica feels ill. She sees Donald Kaminsky - “The accordion player had strange, woolly red hair, and he was wearing a green plaid coat and a pair of nerdy green-rimmed glasses. And he had on a bow tie. A polka dot bow tie.”
Jessica and Lila come clean. The crowd turns on them. They introduce Donald Kaminsky and the Polka Dots. The audience chants for Donny Diamond. At first the Polka Dots are confused, but then Donald Kaminsky IS Donny Diamond! Surprise! He launches into “the wildest version ever of “Hot Rockin’ Tonight”. That is the lamest name for a song ever. It may as well be “Rock with the Rockin Rock.”
Jessica and Lila come out unscathed and everyone loves them, instead of being social pariahs. It turns out Donny Diamond is Ms Langberg’s cousin, and Kaminsky is his real name. Surely such superfans would know that? Or is Donny Diamond ashamed of his background? Also, Donny is the one who sent them those letters. What, is he in between record deals? He felt it was wrong they were misleading people and making money out of his name without permission. So he sues them, for $45. Not really. So he decided to be the mystery guest blahblahdlkfkdkf. Jessica and Lila resolve to stop printing the newspaper, and give the money to something worthy. Donny Diamond has his picture taken with the unicorns.
You know what would be a better ending? If Jessica and Lila apologised and everyone threw stuff at them.
B Plot: Lois Waller, whose characterisation is fat kid, is being teased by Bruce Patman. He’s offering a dollar to anyone who can guess her weight. Elizabeth disapproves.
Later, Bruce Patman challenges Lois to a race on his new Italian racing bike, and her cruddy old bike. Lois defends herself and says there’s no point, seeing as he’s got a shiny new bike and hers is rusted and corroded. Probably. Bruce says he wants to race her so she’ll lose weight. Nice. She eventually agrees to race him to the corner so he’ll go away. When Lois goes to pedal, her pedals fall off. Bruce actually went to the effort to bring a wrench to school so he could meddle with her bike. Predictable jokes about her being so far she broke her bike. Once her humiliation is complete, then Elizabeth comes over to help Lois. Lois thinks she actually broke her bike. Amy says she can fix it.
Something has to be done about Bruce Patman. But what? Don’t ask me, I don’t have the next book.