SVU #49: Stranded
So this book is the second in the Road Trip miniseries, which sees the Wakefields join an Amazing Race-style televised competition across America in Winnebagos full of college students from all corners of the country. This is the miniseries that introduces us to Liz's new love interest/worst enemy Sam Burgess, and also Jessica's fabulous gay best friend, Neil Martin.
A very important note: the first book is tedious. (But the recap is masterful.) The first chapter of this book is also tedious. Then, out of nowhere, it gets uncharacteristically awesome. There is hardly any plot to speak of, but somehow hilarity well and truly ensues...and not to spoil anything for you, but for that we can thank Elvis Presley and two young gentlemen with the initials T.W.
For those who came in late, the competition works like so -- five teams (it could even be four, but it's not an important enough detail for me to check) of six college students head around the U.S. in a Winnebago, travelling to designated cities where they then compete in events to win points. The points decide the winner, because despite the fact that I compared it to The Amazing Race up there, it's not actually a race. They even wait for all the teams to get there before starting the events. The teams are as follows -- Elizabeth, Sam and some randoms who are there to make up the numbers (Charlie, Ruby, Josh and Uli) are on Team One; while Jessica, Tom, Todd, Neil and their randoms (Pam and Rob) are Team Two.
And because I'm outstanding, I'll catch you up quickly on the important parts that happened in the first book:
-- Jessica and Neil hit it off right away, but when Jessica made a move, Neil, who at this point is still in the closet, confessed to her that he's gay. Jessica was very, very embarrassed.
--Elizabeth and Sam spent the entire time yelling at each other, but also being sort-of attracted to each other. They kissed the night before this book picks back up. Oh, and Sam then revealed that he had a girlfriend, because welcome to Sam, I guess.
--After the humiliation of hitting on a gay guy, Jessica snuck out of the Winnebago to go drown her sorrows at a bar using the old 'pillow under the bedsheets' trick. She asked a bartender to let her know when the Winnebago was ready to leave. He did not, and they left without her. Now let's get on with Stranded.
Jessica Wakefield is, as the title suggests, stranded. Stranded in South Dakota, of all places. Since her team consists of Tom and Todd, neither of whom are exactly Team Jessica, they just drove away and forgot all about that dreaded not-Elizabeth they're forced to do this thing with.
Jessica decides to yell at the bartender, who was supposed to tell her when her team was set to leave. He (reasonably) asks, "Are you sure they didn't get tired of your attitude and leave you behind on purpose, missy?" Jess thinks that this might be entirely possible, as earlier in the evening, she'd hit on Gay Neil and freaked him the hell out. Wakefield, not to crash your pity party or anything, but I don't think a gay guy is going to leave you behind just because you thought he was straight and tried to get in his pants. That's a weird conclusion to jump to.
Suddenly, Jess realises that her purse is in the Winnebago. She's stuck in the middle of nowhere with no money, no license and absolutely no gaydar, which I think she's more upset about than anything. The bartender asks her where she's going and offers to take her there, and she just yells some nonsense back at him that basically equates to, "I have no idea, you redneck moron."
Elizabeth's team, meanwhile, has made it to Nebraska. She's freaking out about Sam, also known as The Last Guy In The World Worth Freaking Out Over. They kissed last night, it seems, and Liz is troubled to find out that he has a girlfriend in Florida. She wonders why a person would kiss someone when they've already got a significant other, which, short memory much, Liz? Why do you do it so damn often? She describes him as a "callous manipulator," but then thinks maybe he's got another side. Or maybe she can change him. I don't know. Something doormaty.
Just as Liz is about to confront Sam and work out what his dealio is, another teammate named Josh comes by and decides to talk her ear off. He asks her why she's so tired, and then asks cheekily, "Worn out from last night?" From all the sex he thinks she had with Sam! Liz is mortified.
Back in Team One's Winnebago, we re-meet Pam and Rob, the other teammates, in whom I have no interest. Neil thinks they're terrifically annoying, and that's good enough for me. The Team Onesies have just left South Dakota (and Jessica) in their rearview, and Neil compliments Todd on his driving. Todd is grumpy because he's got a massive hangover. Wait, hasn't Todd been driving all night while everyone else was sleeping off their bar crawl? Was he drink-driving? This doesn't add up. I refuse to believe that Todd would get behind the wheel drunk, but then again, it's Todd. Maybe last night's binge killed what's left of his limited brain cell supply. Either way, that's a terrible message for a teenage audience. Report to the naughty corner, Toddles, you boozy bastard.
Oh, and Neil finally realises that they're sans one Jessica, which might cause problems down the line.
Meanwhile, Jess is roaming the highway, helpfully telling us that she now knows why it's called the Badlands. "Because it was very, very bad!" The joke would've worked without that line, but whatever. Jess thinks to herself that "the explorers...should have taken California, Florida, and New York and left out the rest." Suddenly she gets terrified that she's going to be decapitated by a serial killer, murdered by the Children of the Corn (or their cousins, the Children of the Scrub) or, oddly enough, dragged off by an "Australian dingo like that baby!" I think she might have sunstroke. It's hilarious, but verily, these are the ramblings of an ill mind. Thankfully for all involved, Jessica soon gets picked up by a hot Elvis impersonator.
Back in the Winnebago, Tom's concerned not about Jessica's welfare, but about how much longer he can put up with Todd Wilkins. He thinks about how Todd is such a jerky jerkface who's always "flexing mental and physical muscles to prove himself to the world," which comes a surprise to me, as I'm pretty sure the handful of mental muscles Todd has are mighty underdeveloped. Tom, who's pretty much just on this trip to win back Elizabeth's favour, decides that they need to find Jessica pronto because otherwise Liz will be mad at him. Not because they left Jess in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and are concerned for her safety, but because if Jess turns up backpacker-murdered or eaten by that random dingo she's sure is roaming around the South Dakotan highway area, then Liz might not love him anymore.
The Team Onesies decide to go back to Wonderlust to find Jessica, but Tom worries that the camera crew will catch them and find out that something's up. He "felt like putting a fist through the windshield, and he bet Todd felt the same way." Safest. Bet. Ever. Of course, they pass the camera crew on the way back and make up some lie about how Jessica left her purse behind and they're just heading back for it. The producer, Ned (why use Ned, of all names? They already have a Ned! He's the dad!) decides that Jessica's fabricated forgetfulness is great television, and wants to interview her. This leads to Tom putting on lipstick and a girl's voice and pretending to be Jessica. I don't even know. Todd thinks this is the funniest thing ever.
In Team Two's Winnebago, Liz is getting love advice from two other Team Twosies named Charlie and Ruby. In fact, this chapter's actually from Charlie's POV, and it takes me two and a half pages to work out that Charlie's a girl. Anyway, Charlie starts feeling a bit ill after eating a brownie, so I'm guessing she's probably got teh diabeetus or something and will cause some sort of medical emergency for her team later on.
Jessica, meanwhile, is cruising along in Elvis's Cadillac, "as carefree as a model in a Doublemint ad." Now I may be mistaken, but I do believe that the Daniel twins, who played the Wakefields in the TV series, actually found fame in a Doublemint ad. Is that right? Being from Australia, I don't actually know what Doublemint is (gum? Or toothpaste?), but the name sounds really familiar and I'm almost certain that's where I know it from. If so, that is a clever little shout-out, isn't it? [Edit: Yes, it is.]
Anyway, Jessica and Elvis are getting along famously, because Elvis has stopped to buy her some clothes. Kids' shirts, to be exact, "for the cutoff, figure-hugging look." Jeez Louise. Apparently she's decided to eff that contest right off and head down to Memphis with Elvis, because why the hell not? Who's going to stop her? Elvis certainly isn't. He goes on and on for like two pages about finding your own path and going with the flow. He's an absolute wealth of knowledge, this fella. Just as Jess is imagining her perfect new life with her hunka hunka burning love in Tennessee, she sees the Team One Winnebago heading her way.
Sam chapter now. He likes Beck. Dammit. He also likes Elizabeth, so the awesome points he gets for liking Beck are immediately cancelled out. In the time of chimpanzees, Sam, you truly are a monkey. Anyway, Sam thinks about how his relationship with the infamous Floridian woman is "casual", just the way he likes it, but then goes on about what sort of future he and Liz might have five years down the track. That's not really the mindset of a casual guy, Sambo. Are you confusing your words again? Sam confides in a Swedish guy named Uli, who gets to speak in this terrible broken English because that's how Europeans are. I immediately picture him as the foreign exchange student from Can't Hardly Wait. He doesn't ask Sam if he wants to touch his penis, though, so maybe he's more like the Swedish Chef.
Back in the great wide nowhere between Wagon Train Lake and Wonderlust, Tom and Todd (and those other two fucking people) are still trying to find Jessica. Tom muses that knowing Jessica, "she was probably hooked up with a rock star in a hot rod, burning rubber without a care in the world." Just then, Jessica shows up, yells at the team for forgetting her, and then gets into the hot rod with Elvis the rockstar and burns rubber without a care in the world. Tom is on fire today. He's obviously been spending too much time in a confined space with Todd, because he fumes (with a "thunderous" rage, no less) that they'll catch up to Jessica, and when they do, "she's going to get the mouthful she deserves." Dirrty!
Neil takes the wheel and follows Jessica and Elvis. Tom and Todd sit in the back, getting madder and madder. These two really never had enough scenes together. Neil is concerned that if they catch up to Jessica, she might reveal why she ran off to the bar in Wonderlust in the first place -- because Neil's gayness makes him immune to the Wakefield charms. He's worried that she might out him to the boys. Who, if I know my Toddles, probably wouldn't mind that much. Point is, they decide to go to the straight to the next checkpoint, St. Joseph.
In St. Joseph, Liz is wondering where Team One is. They arrive soon after, still a teammate short. Tom finds Danny (who's on Team Four) and tells him that they all have to stay out of the limelight for a little bit, but to spread it around that they've made it so Liz won't get worried. Liz spots the two of them and asks Tom what's going on. Tom figures that since the 'Jess left her purse back in Wonderlust' story worked for Ned the producer, he'll feed it to Liz, too. He also tells her that Todd's been on Jess's case about it, and so Jess went to bed early.
Enter Todd, who also tells Liz that Jess is asleep. Tom breathes a sigh of relief, and then thinks that even though Todd's a pain in the neck, "he had to give the guy points for presence of mind." Todd Wilkins. His mind is present. Todd Wilkins. Oookay, Tom. Just to go ahead and prove Tom soundly wrong, Todd tells Liz that Tom's been arguing with Jessica, and she never did find her purse. Liz's newshound nose smells that their stories don't add up, and she demands to know what's going on. The boys reluctantly tell her that they really don't have a clue where Jess has gone.
Jessica, meanwhile, is checking out rock formations with Elvis and dreaming about Memphis. She thinks for a moment about how great she is at reading men, and then reminds herself that the whole Neil situation is a pretty convincing argument against that particular statement. She then decides that maybe she'll rejoin the competition a little later, if she feels like it, which is such a selfish thing to do. She's just going to let them all suffer in their tiny hell-mobile while she cruises around in a convertible with an Elvis impersonator, and then come crawling back when they're closer to the finish line? Is that even allowed?
Oh, and Elvis dishes out more advice about Jess's problems seeming bigger than they actually are. He is truly a wise Elvis. Who loves rock formations.
Back in St. Joseph, the next competition is getting underway. Liz and Sam are partnered together for some sort of horseriding thingamajig. Liz complains that Sam keeps calling her Blondie. And Chickie. Golly gosh, Sam is an absolute prize of a man. Liz decides that she needs to impress said prize of a man, so she attempts to jump a fence, and nearly falls off her horsie in the process. Seeing this, Tom tries to run over to where Liz's horsie has screeched to a halt, but Sam gets there first. Tom remarks that he hates Sam even more than Todd, so perhaps he and Todd can be brought together by their shared hatred. It's the only way this bromance is ever going to gain steam. He says, strangely, that Sam hates "anyone who wore a belt," because I suppose belts are a sign of conformism? They're also a sign of keeping one's pants up, Sambo, since not everyone wants to see your Calvins. I do really love that it's been a whole chapter since Liz discovered her sister is missing, and nobody even pretends to care. Liz is too busy impressing Sam and winning the event, and Tom's more concerned about Sam's distrust of society's belt-wearers.
After the near-death horsie ride, Sam gives Liz some water with sugar in it, because it's supposed to help people who are in shock. Is that a thing that people know? Sugar cures shock? Liz notes that Sam looks a little worse for wear himself, and thinks that he must really care about her. So...Liz deliberately put herself in danger to work out once and for all whether a boy liked her. This should shock me (bring me some sugar water!) but it just doesn't anymore. Turns out that Team Two won the horsie event, and Uli comes by and tells Sam, "You sure kicked the buttock out there," without adding a single 'bork' sound. The hell kind of Swede are you, Uli?
The next bit starts with the reading of the overall scores -- "Team One still leads with 110 points despite the disappearance of Jessica Wakefield." Well, at least the announcer cares that Jessica's gone. Jess and Elvis are in a diner, watching the scores on TV with a waitress named Laverne.
Wait a minute...that's just Brenda with glasses on!
Laverne tells Jess that she's all anybody talks about on the show, which is nice to know, since the people who actually know her couldn't give a flying hot shit where she is. Hilariously, Jessica thinks that Liz's near miss on the horsie was because she was so distraught over Jess's absence. The host of the show announces that their next event will be in Chicago, and Jess decides to rejoin the comp. Elvis, sensing that she might be leaving him soon, tells Jess that he's after a little less conversation and a little more action, please.
Cut to Jess and Elvis breaking into Graceland. Because that's the logical next step in this sequence of events, and you know it. Elvis suggests they go skinny-dipping, but Jess decides to leave her clothes on for the present. They make out in the pool for a little while, before Jessica makes a joke about drowning and Elvis says, "I'll have to take you into the jungle room and give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation." Then they start to get hot and heavy. Oh, and Elvis keeps calling her Priscilla, which is a nice change from before when he wouldn't stop calling her Marilyn. Truly, though, the security must be well lax at Graceland. Jess and Elvis really ought to be dancing to the jailhouse rock by now.
Back in Team Two's Winnebago, Liz has a sudden rush of exhilaration from her most recent near-death experience. She sings along to Chaka Khan (in her head; she's not that liberated) and mentions how free she feels now that those "deadweights" Sam and Jess are off her damn shoulders. Out of nowhere, the aforementioned Girl Charlie's boyfriend comes along on a Harley, and Charlie complains about feeling sick. This chapter's really quite bizarre. They stop at a diner, where Ruby then whines about how crap the music is, and Liz -- get this -- Liz dares to "silently rebuke her for her snobbery." Elizabeth! Rebuking people for snobbery! The pot hasn't been this black since Sam was her kettle and she came out swinging at him for daring to kiss her while he had a casual girlfriend.
Neil, meanwhile, is still stuck with his two deadweights -- Todd and Tom are playing another round of "who-said-what-to-Elizabeth-Wakefield," yelling and screaming and shirking blame like it ain't no thang. He notes that "it's almost comical how much emotional venting the twins had managed to inspire." God, Neil rules. What he does next is absolutely inspired -- he realises that Jess left behind all her cassettes, and decides to pull a reverse Almost Famous. Instead of everyone letting go of their anger and crooning along to 'Tiny Dancer,' however, Neil plays 'Close To You' and the Team Onesies unite in their hatred of the Carpenters. (Except Rob, one of the Not-Cared-Abouts, who sings along and actually does more for the cause than the song itself.)
Elizabeth and Sam argue again, this time over Sam asking Liz to dance. I know she keeps complaining about how hot-and-cold he is, but from where I stand, she's pretty much the cause of it every time. Anyway, Sam goes to the Winnebago and begins to get changed, and suddenly Liz is there, all, "Keep your boxers on there, pally." See, Sam, if you'd thought to wear a belt, maybe you wouldn't have gotten so far with your accidental striptease. They argue some more about absolutely nothing at all, and then Liz goes off in a huff. These two are just the woist. The absolute woist.
Jessica decides it's time to call Liz, who actually has the audacity to tell her, "I've been really worried!" No you motherflipping have not, Elizabeth Wakefield! You were more worried when Sam nearly whipped out his trouser snake thirty seconds ago. This chapter actually really bothers me, because I wanted the Jessica plot to pick up from where we left off. Jessica Wakefield just nailed Elvis in the Graceland swimming pool, and we're not going to go back to that? Why would you not go back to that?!
Everyone bar Jess has arrived in Chicago for the next event -- they have to sell as many hot dogs as they can during a Cubs/Dodgers game at Wrigley Field, because that's a place people have heard of, right? Yay for places people have heard of! And just to add to the awesomeness, we get a Todd chapter! He explains that even though Jess is AWOL, the competition promoters have decided to let Team One continue competing. They just don't score any points until she returns. Despite this, their team really wants to keep winning so nobody else can claim the top points.
Todd's pretty much loving life right now, chilling at Wrigley Field watching his beloved Dodgers. Then he spots Sam, who's donned some Cubs colours in an attempt to woo the Chicago crowd to his team's cart. Because Todd is sports, this is pretty much the lowest thing you could ever do to him. I love that Tom Watts hates Sam because Liz is so clearly into him, but Toddles over here is more upset that a California native would dare wear the enemy's uniform just to sell some damm hot dogs.
So Todd decides to one-up that traitor Sam Burgess by, no joke, making a hat out of hot dogs. Todd Wilkins is wearing hot dogs on his head right now. This is the best fucking book ever. His reasoning, in case you were wondering, is that "everyone loves a fool," and since Todd Wilkins is the most foolish of them all, his bit works wonders. He even yells, "Who loves the Cubs?" because technically that's just an innocent question, and it's not like he's rooting for them or anything. Of course, this is Todd we're talking about, and he ruins everything seconds later when the Dodgers get an important out and he stupidly lets out a cheer in front of all the Cubs fans.
Elsewhere in the stadium, Liz is using her feminine wiles in order to sell the hot dogs, pretty much begging a bunch of teenage boys to buy them from her. Sam decides to pimp her out instead, telling the crowd of pimply brace-faces that a hot dog from Liz also comes with a kiss. Tom, seeing this, decides to hijack the jumbotron and declare his love for her by saying (and I swear this is true), "Although I may not be the hottest dog, I think you'll agree, my buns are better!" Then he moons the camera. Liz is horrified, and to top it all off, one of the other cameras has found her, and her disgusted reaction is broadcast for the entire stadium to see. Honestly, though, WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? At what point during his long-term relationship with Elizabeth 'Queen Prude' Wakefield did he think, "Yes. This a girl who would enjoy public, pun-based displays of affection involving pants-removal. Yes."
Between Tom "I'm Too Sexy For My Dignity" Watts and Todd the hot-dog-hatted walking disaster, Neil is about ready to throw in the towel. That is, until Jessica arrives. He says hello to her and she barely reacts, which Neil takes as a sign that she's going to use his homosexuality as an excuse for ditching the comp. Not sure if, "I left because Neil didn't tell me he was gay before I hit on him" is going to hold up, but let's see, shall we? Jessica tells the camera crew waiting in the wings that she went AWOL because she needed some 'me' time, but she missed her teammates so much that she's back and ready for "the deprivation of the Winnebago lifestyle." This new outlook on the competition lasts about three seconds, because the host then asks Neil if the two of them are hooking, up and Neil answers with a resounding, "Hells to the no!" Jessica is mortified that he dissed her on TV, despite the fact that she knows he's gay now. Even if nobody else does, she knows that it's not her, it's him.
Elizabeth and Jessica are finally reunited and swap public humiliation stories. Upon hearing what happened with Tom and the big screen, Jess calls her, "the queen of the wiener serenade," seemingly without a hint of irony. The two of them make a pact to finish the competition and show everyone that the Wakefields are a force to be reckoned with. Their sister-power thing is actually pretty cute, so I'm going to move on to something more snarkable.
Everyone hops back into their respective Winnebagos to head to Memphis. Neil notes that Jessica perks up at this. Probably planning another break-and-enter pool tryst with the Elvis impersonator. That Jessica Wakefield ain't nothing but a hound dog. By the way, I really ought to mention that at no point did Elvis ever sing, announce his intentions to sing, or mention at any point that he performs anywhere as Elvis. At this stage, I firmly believe that he dresses like that for no good reason.
Todd, meanwhile, has stopped feeling sorry for himself re the Dodgers faux pas, and has started feeling sorry for Tom. Because -- and I can't stress this enough -- what was he thinking? Of all the things he could've done on that jumbotron, why would dropping trou be the thing that wins Liz over? She's afraid of the stuff boys have under their jeans! Regardless, Tom and Todd share a sweet, silent moment bonding over 'He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother.' The bromance is getting stronger. Then they talk about what a spotlight-hogging, belt-loathing, egocentric son of a bitch Sam Burgess is. They decide that their best option is to threaten Sambo in order to get him to stay away, because "it's our duty to protect Liz." Well, no, it absolutely is not, but continue. Just then, Tom realises that he and Todd are, like, bonding or something icky, so he rags on Todd about his bad driving, just to "dilute all the dangerous buddy vibes zooming around in the air." Heh. Buddy vibes. I think I like that even better than 'bromance.'
Liz and Sam? Still arguing. They have even less to argue about than before. Then Liz cries and Sam realises that they're not play-fighting...which is really the whole problem with these two. Sam winds Liz up, Liz doesn't get that and takes everything he says seriously, she goes off in a huff, and he can't work out why. Meanwhile, Uli is making sandwiches for everyone, because cooking is all Swedish people know how to do, and Girl Charlie feels dizzy. Good gracious. This is about the eighth mention we've had of Charlie feeling unwell. Just dramatically collapse already, Charlie!
The road-trippers finally make it to Nashville, where the next event is a karaoke competition. Todd suggests that Jessica ought to do one of the numbers because she can sing, but she doesn't really want to. Pam the Not-Cared-About says that she can sing just like Leann Rimes, and when she gives the boys a few bars and is actually fabulous, Jessica nastily thinks that she's "ugly but admittedly talented" and she'll have to do the second number so that stupid hideous songbird doesn't outshine her. My God, Jessica. My. God.
Neil sings an impromptu number he's made up to the tune of 'Jolene,' in which he implores 'Jessie-lene' not to leave the team again. Jessica gets mad and thinks that the whole team is laughing at her behind her back, and refuses to go onstage to sing her song. Out of nowhere, Elvis shows up and convinces Jessica to sing. Yay for Elvis! Note that he's back to calling her Marilyn again. I guess he only thinks of her as his Priscilla when he's loving her tender. The two of them sing 'Islands in the Stream,' which I love love love as a song, but it's really not an appropriate choice for an Elvis impersonator.
Oh, and in case anyone's still interested, the snore-fest that is Team Two's storyline is about to get a bit of a payoff. Sam sings Neil Young (that's not the payoff) and makes up with Liz. (Neither is that.) Also, their team wins, because the one called Ruby is a professional singer. Then Charlie faints (payoff!), which would've been a far more interesting plot twist had we not seen it coming twenty damn years ago. When she comes to, she says that she doesn't want a fuss made over her, so she goes to the bathroom alone and locks herself in. Ruby panics and tells Tom to go get Liz, whom she says went off somewhere with Sam.
Despite the fact that an hysterical woman has just asked Tom for his help in rescuing her barely conscious friend, the T.W. duo think now's exactly the right time to ramp up the buddy vibes and bond some more over what a jerkoff Sam is. Tom actually calls him a sleazebag, even though only one of them has deliberately broadcast his butt in the name of love, and it's not Sam. Oh, and he and Todd are talking over beers, even though it's been about half a page since Ruby pleaded for him to get some help for Charlie. Why are beers happening now, you guys? Surely the buddy vibes can wait until after we've checked to make sure nobody's dying in the bathroom!
Tom finishes his beer and declares that "that jerk needs some serious straightening out, and I'm not going to wait any longer!" Because that's the emergency here. Anyway, in the sprit of blossoming friendship, Tom asks Todd if he wants to come help him punch the hickory-dickory-dock out of Sam, which is like asking Ned Flanders if he wants to come to church with you. But alas, they're too late -- Liz and Sam are in a corner, tasting the insides of each others' mouths. Sam asks Liz why her ex-boyfriend is checking up on her, and Todd says, "Ex-boyfriends, plural!" because I guess he's feeling left out or something. I don't know why else you'd add that. Liz tells the boys to "stop fighting over me" like the attention-seeker she is, so Sam just shrugs and leaves. Liz is dejected, because the words 'stop fighting over me' mean something different in whatever language Liz speaks.
With Sambo gone, Tom takes this opportunity to tell Liz that the only reason he came on the trip was to get back together with her. Liz is shocked, even though you think she'd have worked that out when he flashed everyone at Wrigley Field. Tom says as much, and then walks off in a huff with Todd, who was presumably just standing there awkwardly while Tom declared his love for their mutual former one-and-only.
Then Ruby rushes up to Liz, because for fuck's sake, she sent Tom to find Liz bloody ages ago! Finally the ghostwriter remembers that she just had a girl collapse in a locked bathroom. Way to go there, ghostie. Liz fears that Charlie might be dangerously ill. Charlie, meanwhile, is weeping alone in the bathroom, and when Liz and Ruby get there, she finally reveals that she's pregnant. Welp, Charlie's definitely a girl, then. And what a darn-tootin' let-down. The way she was carrying on, I thought for sure, cancer. Maybe they thought we couldn't handle another cancer tragedy so soon after we lost the beloved Gin-Yung. (That was her name, right?)
While all this is going on, Jessica and Elvis are parting ways. He's finally got a gig, it seems, and he has to mosey on back to Memphis. She wants to go with him and away from all the Team One freaks, but he tells her she must finish the competition, because she can't run away from her troubles forever. Golly, this Elvis loves him some advice. He's like Yoda with sideburns. He seriously turned up in the middle of nowhere for no other reason than to guide Jessica onto the right path, and also, to have sex with her in the real Elvis's pool. This guy, man.
It's beginning to sink in for Tom that he's lost Liz forever, so Todd offers him a beer. This is exactly how I would want to be cheered up, but it pisses off Tom, who calls Todd "as sensitive as a bunch of rocks." Okay, that's the Todd we all know and love. Disappointed that the buddy vibes are fading, though.
Jessica calls the Team Onesies together and tells them she forgives them for their misdeeds. Tom is in no mood to humour her, and neither is Neil, who agrees with Tom and then tells Jessica that she's the one in the wrong. Which she absolutely is, so go Neil. Jessica is horrified that she's copping the blame for something she 100% deserves the blame for.
Meanwhile, in the bathroom of angst, Preggers confesses that she hasn't said anything about her newly-acquired foetus to that Harley-riding boyfriend I'm sure glad I mentioned earlier. Liz helpfully thinks that this whole pregnancy bombshell makes all of her own problems seem far less serious. What a nice silver lining for you, Liz, you selfish fool. Just then, Sam and Josh come by (in the girls' bathroom?) and Sam jokes about how the girls must all be PMSing together, and Liz chews him out for being a pig. Then she decides to un-learn that 'you may have problems but at least you're not up the spout' lesson and tells Sam to get out of her life, because this ridiculousness is the most serious thing ever. Like, end-of-the-book serious. That's the cliffhanger.
So that's it. This has to be one of the weakest Sweet Valley books I've ever so thoroughly enjoyed. Tom Watts as the comic relief is something I'm sure none of us thought we'd ever see, though.