SVH Super Stars: Enid's Story
Check it out: Sweet Valley Primary School! Would you be willing to move to South Africa in order to send your child there? Apparently the school's motto is "ad perfectum", and even though I know how it translates, I can't help but feel that it's the sort of motto that the Sweet Valley ghost-writers might have chosen, just for the way it looks.
The cover's on this page.
Am I alone in thinking that Enid looks really pretty on this cover? She's got a bit of an overbite, but she's far better-looking than either of the Wakefield twins on their covers. Her fringe is a bit crazy, I admit, and after looking at it too long I'm beginning to find her "startled doe" expression annoying, but she's got very pretty eyes and lovely skin.
Anyway. The book. I have to admit, I began recapping this with a certain amount of trepidation. Seriously, Enid's Story? Who even cares about Enid? Here is how lame Enid is: when we were fifteen, my friends and I went through a stage of assigning each other Sweet Valley characters to fit our personalities. No one, and I mean no one, wanted to be Enid. Let me spell that out for you if it isn't entirely clear: amongst a group of fifteen-year-olds pretending to be Sweet Valley characters, even Enid was too pathetic for us to bother with.
Surprisingly, the book? Better than I expected! Enid isn't a barrel of laughs but there's enough sex, drugs, and - dare I say? - rock 'n' roll to keep the most persnickety reviewer entertained.
It's Christmastime. Todd is away visiting relatives in Utah - this is the universe where he's not spending the holiday season visiting Liz while still living in Vermont or dating Suzanne Devlin - and Liz wonders how she's going to cope not having a boyfriend for two weeks. She discusses this with Enid, who will be boyfriendless as well, having just broken up with Hugh Grayson.
Random: Liz says that she's bought Jessica pink hoop earrings and she's going to get her mother a silk blouse. I'd be so pissed if I were Jess and I woke up on Christmas morning to receive earrings I could've bought myself for three dollars at Claire's and then had to watch my mother flaunt her fancy shirt around the house.
Then we actually get this: "Having Elizabeth Wakefield for a best friend made up for a whole lot of unhappiness." God, that explains so much about these books. "My marriage is breaking up, my business is going into liquidation, and my cat has diabetes, but I passed by Elizabeth Wakefield in the hall today and suddenly life didn't seem so bad!"
On the final day of school, Enid treats a glum Liz to a meal at the Dairi Burger. On the way in from the parking lot, Liz runs into Jeffrey French, her ex-boyfriend, with whom she broke up after Todd moved back from Vermont. To refresh your memory, things we know about Jeffrey:
1. He's blond.
2. He plays football (regular, not American) and is a photographer for the Oracle.
3. He and Liz had sexy evenings of playing board games while they were dating. And I use the word "sexy" quite wrongly.
4. He calls himself DJ Jeff (although sadly not Jazzy Jeff as I originally typed) in Senior Year.
Liz and Jeffrey end up trapped under the mistletoe at the entrance of the Dairi Burger, and all of a sudden all these minor characters - Aaron Dallas, Sandra Bacon, Neil Freemount - appear from nowhere and make them kiss. Jeffrey is pretty decent about it: he treats the whole thing as a joke and "grabbed Elizabeth in a melodramatic embrace, bending her back over his arm". Hee. Jeffrey is charming. Liz, of course, is suddenly conflicted. She enjoyed a kiss with an ex-boyfriend! Maybe Jeffrey really is the one for her...?
Then Jessica comes in and kisses all the boys. Ha! I love her. She also flirts with Jeffrey, who's still hanging around uncomfortably as if he has no friends of his own - which might not be untrue. Who did he usually hang out with outside of Liz's circle? Anyway, I don't buy this because didn't they have a secret affair in one of the Secret Diaries?
Enid and Jeffrey end up striking up a conversation. If you remember, Enid had an enormous crush on Jeffrey when he first moved to Sweet Valley, but she sees him as more of a friend now. Jeffrey doesn't know what to get his mother for Christmas. Enid suggests a rotating cake rack which plays Happy Birthday. Enid is a strange girl. She thinks about how cute his eyelashes are, thus proving my point further. The two of them agree to escort one another to the ice-skating party which is being held the following day, and Enid resolves not to tell Liz about it in case she's pissed. In fact, Liz isn't even planning on going to the ice-skating party. She's going to stay at home and cry over Todd. Go out with your friends, Liz! Todd isn't worth it!
At home, things are pretty bad for Enid: her father is coming home to see her for Christmas but her mother refuses to see him and won't take any messages for Enid from him, because he's a drunk. The narrative refers to Enid's mother as "Mrs. Rollins", which I find a little weird given that it's also established that she's been divorced from Enid's father for about three years. On the other hand, we all know from Double Love that every divorcee in Sweet Valley aspires to seduce Ned Wakefield, so perhaps she wants to spare herself from being the subject of the rumour mill of a small town.
The next morning Liz, still feeling guilty after her illicit kiss with Jeffrey, writes Todd a letter. It basically says, "Dear Todd, I miss you, let's make out when you get back, love Liz." Then Liz decides to go to the ice-skating party, where she runs into Jeffrey and Enid who are skating together and generally having a great time. Liz is shocked - SHOCKED - that Enid and Jeffrey dare to hang out with each other without her being there. I think she's mostly annoyed at the discovery that Enid is capable of making friends who aren't Liz.
Enid blows Liz off and goes to hang out on the rink with Jeffrey some more. He kind of flirts with her and says that she reminds him of Sonja Henie. Man. You know, I gave him the benefit of the doubt before, but I refuse to believe from this point onwards that Jeffrey is straight. What sixteen-year-old boy knows about ice-skaters from the 1930s?
On the rink, Jessica notices a cute guy. His name is Brian Saunders and he goes to the University of Colorado. Everybody take a stiff drink upon the discovery that a Sweet Valley local actually moved away. I guess all that cloying optimism and thinly-veiled racism was too much for at least one person. Unfortunately, Jessica is cock-blocked by Enid! It turns out that Enid knew Brian from back in the days when she did "bennies" and punched girls in the street. Enid is freaked out and runs back to Jeffrey, who asks her to see a movie with him, just as friends.
Side note: I think it's interesting that of all the characters in Sweet Valley, Enid goes through the most metamorphoses: from rebel (pre-series), to geek (SVH), to goth (SVH:SY), to party girl (SVU). Obviously it can be chalked up to character inconsistency and/or the writers pulling new plot developments out of their asses, but it is kind of fun to speculate about what drives Enid to change her "look" every few years. Amy Sutton, Armchair Psychologist, would have a field day with her!
Jeffrey picks Enid up to take her to the cinema, and she shows off the Christmas present she bought for Liz. It's a heart-shaped satin box from somewhere called "Feminine Mystique". I think it's implied that there's a vibrator inside the box, but I can't be entirely sure. Jeffrey reminisces about the time he bought Liz a sachet of perfume. Has anyone seen Coupling? There's a character in it called Jeff and when he does something stupid (example) his mother says to him, "Oh, Jeffrey," in the most fantastically upper-crust voice you can imagine. You should know that whenever Jeffrey-from-Sweet-Valley does something along the lines of buying Liz a sachet of perfume, my brain's automatic response is to think, "Oh, Jeffrey."
The next day, Enid goes to the mall to buy a present for Jeffrey. She runs into Jessica, who's trying on a pair of green plastic sunglasses decorated with miniature pink palm trees. Liz, scratch what I said before about those earrings. Jessica is going to LOVE them. Anyway, Jessica uses the opportunity to pump Enid about Brian. Enid doesn't give anything away and leaves fairly sharpish. She ends up buying Jeffrey a postcard of Sonja Henie. Oh, Enid. Deep down, you know.
When she gets home, her father calls her! He invites her to have lunch and go shopping with him the next day and excitedly Enid agrees, but when she puts the phone down, her mother is pissed. Mrs. Rollins already bought tickets for the two of them to catch a matinee performance for The Nutcracker. Well, uh, maybe you should've told Enid about this beforehand, rather than assume that your daughter was unpopular enough to be doing nothing else? Just a thought.
At Jeffrey's house, Enid gives him the postcard. He is delighted, natch. He gives her Sonnets From the Portuguese by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Enid is pleased, but then she worries that he only gave it to her because Browning is Liz's favourite poet. Then Jeffrey drops a bombshell: Liz dropped by earlier that morning to bring him some cookies! I'm underwhelmed but both Jeffrey and Enid think this is a big deal because apparently Liz's cookies come with a secret agenda attached?
Jeffrey asks Enid if she thinks that he and Liz have any chance of getting back together: why else would she give him Agenda Cookies? Now, the way I see it is that either Jeffrey is reading far too much into a simple gift, or Liz did something else (the old "Is that a camera in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" line, perhaps) to make him think she was still interested. It's never really specified either way, so it's your call!
Enid goes home and cries about Liz and her stupid Agenda Cookies. I don't know why she doesn't just call Liz up and point out that she's being kind of a dick about Jeffrey. Even if Enid wasn't interested in him romantically, surely Liz needs to be told that if she's with Todd, Jeffrey's relationships are none of her business, and also it's kind of unfair to Todd for her to be running around after another guy like this.
Jeffrey rings Enid up and asks if she wants to go go-karting with him. Oh, Jeffrey. Enid turns him down flatly. Then Brian, the guy from her rebellious past, rings her up. He asks her out to dinner with him, and after a little deliberation she agrees, because he's handsome and in college. I think the ghost-writer forgot that she was meant to be writing about Enid rather than Jessica. That being said, how exactly is Enid unpopular again? She's going to a big party tomorrow night (hosted by Robin Wilson, one of the cheerleaders, no less - and this is Sweet Valley, where becoming a cheerleader is the ultimate social achievement) and she has two cute boys calling her up and asking her out. When I was sixteen, my idea of a thrilling evening was reading some of the racier Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction out there.
Brian escorts her to a Thai restaurant. Thai is my favourite food in the entire world so I'm already rooting for him over Jeffrey. Over the meal, he tells her that now he's in college he's taking lots of classes on Asian studies. "No wonder you like Thai food!" exclaims Enid. What? Brian orders a beer with his food and Enid excuses it: she "knew it was possible to drink beer sensibly. And beer was probably refreshing with spicy food". I don't see anything wrong with that, but it's clearly meant to indicate the start of the journey down the rabbit hole.
Then Brian takes Enid to a party where there's lots of music and drinking. Everyone's smoking joints and generally having a good time - except for Enid. We get some passive-aggressive criticism of the situation: "She recognised several more people from her old partying days. Back then, when she was usually drunk or stoned, they had all seemed so funny and so cool. Now, watching them swilling beer, Enid thought they looked like losers." You hear that, guys? LOSERS! This series is like the anti-Gossip Girl. (To be fair, Brian was insensitive bringing Enid to a party she clearly didn't want to go to, and she sensibly calls a taxi as soon as she sees that he's in no state to drive her home.)
Cut to the next morning, Christmas Eve. Liz wakes up and she can't believe that she baked Jeffrey cookies. She worries that Todd might find out. Aha! So they were Agenda Cookies! Just then, TBT himself calls. He misses her and they agree to look at the Big Dipper at the same time that night so that it's like they're together. Liz decides that she loves Todd after all.
Oh, and Lila's moved in over Christmas. Do the Wakefields have a guest room? Because otherwise I bet Lila just loves sharing Jessica's messy, crumby, rat-infested room. What do you think would be discovered if it were ever cleaned? My guesses: the entire cast of one-off characters who feature in the series, the manuscript of Cardenio, thirteen shoes (none of them matching), the treasure of the Sierre Madre, Todd's personality, and $53.68 in loose change.
Enid runs over to the hotel her father's staying at. He's at the bar, filthy drunk, at eleven-thirty in the morning. He says to her, "You should know that there's nothing wrong with having a couple. Besides, I remember you used to do a little drinking yourself." Mmmmm, tactful. Enid runs out of the hotel in tears.
That night, the entire school shows up to Robin Wilson's party. Liz takes Jeffrey to one side and suggests he ask out Enid. Considering she hasn't had any indication that Enid has a crush on him or that Enid even wants to be dating anyone right now, that's pretty presumptuous of her. Anyway, then Liz and Jeffrey make out under the mistletoe. In full view of everyone. At a party Enid is also attending. Christ, the two of them are stupid. Oh, Jeffrey.
Of course Enid sees them and starts to cry. Then she runs into Brian. A college guy. Who's hanging out with a bunch of high schoolers. Run, Enid! He apologises to her for their date and convinces her to go to Miller's Point with him.
Once they get there, Brian talks about how pretty Enid is and how much he respects her. Enid buys it because she's never read an article about Things Boys Say When They Want You To Sleep With Them. Then he kisses her. Then he lights up a joint and offers it to her. As I was reading this, I was thinking, "God, this is so lame. Enid's going to refuse it and she'll get out of the car and go home. She'll make out with Jeffrey and she'll moralise to her friends that she's glad she didn't stray off the path of sobriety again. I hate this book."
My friends, I was wrong.
ENID TAKES THE JOINT. SHE SMOKES IT. THEN BRIAN OFFERS HER SOME BOURBON (because he's forty-eight years old?) AND SHE DRINKS IT.
Bravo, ghost-writers! Way to play on my expectations of the characters being really lame! (Note: I'm not saying that I think that it's particularly cool to smoke pot. I think it's cool in terms of storytelling, though, that Enid fell back into an old habit - even if it is for this one scene. I also think it's cool that the ghost-writer showed a teenager actually behaving like one.) I am so impressed by this chapter. If I had read it when I was ten, you can bet that I'd have squirreled the book away under my bed along with all those Sweet Valley books which use the word "breast". For your interest, a transcript of Enid and Brian's stoned conversation, minus the "he saids" and "she saids":
Brian: It's Christmas Eve, holiday time. Everyone parties on the holidays.
Enid: Like the twelve days of Christmas? Is that what they're for?
Brian: Right. On the first day of Christmas, my toor love said to me -
Enid: Toor love? That's not right.
Brian: It's true love. True love. That's very important in this life.
Enid: On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a bear tree.
Brian: No! Wait a second. It's not -
Enid: Bear tree. Don't you know what a bear tree is? It's a tree with bears in it.
Brian: OK, OK. On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two - two - what is it?
Enid: I don't know. Oh! Turtles, I mean turldoves. Turtledoves.
Brian: That's wrong. It's turtledives. That's like a cannonball.
Enid: You're so funny.
Oh, well.
Back at the party, Jessica flirts with another college guy also there. They decide to go to Miller's Point as well, and considering she's only known him for about three minutes, I think that's pretty unwise. Once they get there, they're bothered by the car next to them which is playing loud Christmas music. Jessica gets out to bang on the window...and sees Enid in there, drunk and stoned. Jessica's first thought is to high-tail it back to the party to spread the gossip. I actually cannot believe how much of a sociopath Jessica is. She's practically rubbing her hands with glee.
Mr. Rollins comes by Enid's house to apologise to her. The book says it's ten-thirty, so presumably he's been drinking for the past eleven hours. Mrs. Rollins doesn't know where she is and is worried because she's missed her curfew, so Mr. Rollins says that he'll go out looking for her. Mrs. Rollins suggests that she might be at Kelly's, every Sweet Vallian's favourite sleazy bar. An alternative option is some place called the Pink Lady. Man, that sounds like a lesbian bar. If Mr. Rollins goes there, all he'll find is Claire Middleton and Lois Waller making out in the corner. (I'd suggest Jean West and Sandra Bacon, or even Jessica and Lila, but let's face it: if the ghost-writers decided to make two of the characters lesbians, you just know that it would be the wannabe quarterback and the fatso.)
Anyway, Mr. Rollins goes to Kelly's. Enid isn't there, just lots of lonely old drunks. Mr. Rollins smashes his bottle of gin on the pavement to show that he'll never drink again. The next day, some kid is playing with the shards of glass Mr. Rollins left in the street, cuts himself, and ends up bleeding to death because of the lack of adult supervision in Sweet Valley.
At Robin's party, everyone wonders where Enid has got to when Jessica walks in with Mr. Rollins close behind her. Jessica breaks the news that she saw her up at Miller's Point, "a little bit - under the influence", and Mr. Rollins rushes out. Everyone starts to panic and suddenly Jessica becomes aware that she's the only one who wants to gossip. Jessica actually thinks to herself, I didn't make her drunk, though. And if I hadn't seen Enid and come back to tell everyone, no one would know where to start looking for her. She makes a mental list of reasons why she wants Enid to be found, in this order:
1. If Enid is hurt, everyone will blame Jessica.
2. Enid isn't that bad.
3. Liz will be upset if anything happens to her.
From this list, one can assume that if someone everybody in Sweet Valley hated was in the same situation, Jessica wouldn't bother to do anything about it. Jessica, you suck.
By this point, Enid and Brian are driving around. Enid is begging Brian to stop and take her home but he won't listen. They're going at eighty miles an hour! Of course they crash and Enid blacks out. When she wakes up, her father's there, pulling her out of the car to safety. Then he goes back for Brian. Then the car explodes. When I first read this, I thought that both Mr. Rollins and Brian had been killed off, and I couldn't help but think that that was a pretty harsh moral: if you're an alcoholic, you will die in a horrible explosion. They live, though, guys. You can put your heart medication back down. I wouldn't want you to think that anything ever happens in Sweet Valley. Enid blacks out again.
When she wakes up, it's Christmas morning! She's surrounded by her mother, Liz, Jessica, Jeffrey, and Lila. Jessica apologises and then gives her the sunglasses with the pink palm trees I mentioned earlier. Hee. You know, this is exactly why I like Jessica. She pulls all this sociopathic shit and then she experiences overwhelming remorse and does the lamest things ever to make amends. I realise pretty much everyone else in this community hates her for exactly that same reason, but c'est la vie!
As soon as she's allowed up, Enid runs into see her father in the burns unit. He's covered in bandages from head to toe, having barely survived the explosion. I shit you not, Enid says to him: "Dad, you look so silly." Yeah, that's one of the consequences of walking through flames to save your sixteen-year-old daughter who went driving around with a college boy after smoking pot. Jesus, Enid sucks. She and her dad deserve each other. They hug and he promises never to drink again.
Party at Lila's place for New Year's! Yeah! Liz and Todd make out. Jessica wears her pink earrings. This is such classic Sweet Valley. Loves it. I'm going to lie and say that Todd punches Winston into the pool, even though he totally doesn't, just because the only things that this book is missing are a Todd punch and a pool push. Enid shows up. She and Jeffrey make out. On this ending, let us pause to dwell on the fact that in another universe, Psycho Margo is attempting to stab Liz to death. Yeah, that story's probably better than this one.
The cover's on this page.
Am I alone in thinking that Enid looks really pretty on this cover? She's got a bit of an overbite, but she's far better-looking than either of the Wakefield twins on their covers. Her fringe is a bit crazy, I admit, and after looking at it too long I'm beginning to find her "startled doe" expression annoying, but she's got very pretty eyes and lovely skin.
Anyway. The book. I have to admit, I began recapping this with a certain amount of trepidation. Seriously, Enid's Story? Who even cares about Enid? Here is how lame Enid is: when we were fifteen, my friends and I went through a stage of assigning each other Sweet Valley characters to fit our personalities. No one, and I mean no one, wanted to be Enid. Let me spell that out for you if it isn't entirely clear: amongst a group of fifteen-year-olds pretending to be Sweet Valley characters, even Enid was too pathetic for us to bother with.
Surprisingly, the book? Better than I expected! Enid isn't a barrel of laughs but there's enough sex, drugs, and - dare I say? - rock 'n' roll to keep the most persnickety reviewer entertained.
It's Christmastime. Todd is away visiting relatives in Utah - this is the universe where he's not spending the holiday season visiting Liz while still living in Vermont or dating Suzanne Devlin - and Liz wonders how she's going to cope not having a boyfriend for two weeks. She discusses this with Enid, who will be boyfriendless as well, having just broken up with Hugh Grayson.
Random: Liz says that she's bought Jessica pink hoop earrings and she's going to get her mother a silk blouse. I'd be so pissed if I were Jess and I woke up on Christmas morning to receive earrings I could've bought myself for three dollars at Claire's and then had to watch my mother flaunt her fancy shirt around the house.
Then we actually get this: "Having Elizabeth Wakefield for a best friend made up for a whole lot of unhappiness." God, that explains so much about these books. "My marriage is breaking up, my business is going into liquidation, and my cat has diabetes, but I passed by Elizabeth Wakefield in the hall today and suddenly life didn't seem so bad!"
On the final day of school, Enid treats a glum Liz to a meal at the Dairi Burger. On the way in from the parking lot, Liz runs into Jeffrey French, her ex-boyfriend, with whom she broke up after Todd moved back from Vermont. To refresh your memory, things we know about Jeffrey:
1. He's blond.
2. He plays football (regular, not American) and is a photographer for the Oracle.
3. He and Liz had sexy evenings of playing board games while they were dating. And I use the word "sexy" quite wrongly.
4. He calls himself DJ Jeff (although sadly not Jazzy Jeff as I originally typed) in Senior Year.
Liz and Jeffrey end up trapped under the mistletoe at the entrance of the Dairi Burger, and all of a sudden all these minor characters - Aaron Dallas, Sandra Bacon, Neil Freemount - appear from nowhere and make them kiss. Jeffrey is pretty decent about it: he treats the whole thing as a joke and "grabbed Elizabeth in a melodramatic embrace, bending her back over his arm". Hee. Jeffrey is charming. Liz, of course, is suddenly conflicted. She enjoyed a kiss with an ex-boyfriend! Maybe Jeffrey really is the one for her...?
Then Jessica comes in and kisses all the boys. Ha! I love her. She also flirts with Jeffrey, who's still hanging around uncomfortably as if he has no friends of his own - which might not be untrue. Who did he usually hang out with outside of Liz's circle? Anyway, I don't buy this because didn't they have a secret affair in one of the Secret Diaries?
Enid and Jeffrey end up striking up a conversation. If you remember, Enid had an enormous crush on Jeffrey when he first moved to Sweet Valley, but she sees him as more of a friend now. Jeffrey doesn't know what to get his mother for Christmas. Enid suggests a rotating cake rack which plays Happy Birthday. Enid is a strange girl. She thinks about how cute his eyelashes are, thus proving my point further. The two of them agree to escort one another to the ice-skating party which is being held the following day, and Enid resolves not to tell Liz about it in case she's pissed. In fact, Liz isn't even planning on going to the ice-skating party. She's going to stay at home and cry over Todd. Go out with your friends, Liz! Todd isn't worth it!
At home, things are pretty bad for Enid: her father is coming home to see her for Christmas but her mother refuses to see him and won't take any messages for Enid from him, because he's a drunk. The narrative refers to Enid's mother as "Mrs. Rollins", which I find a little weird given that it's also established that she's been divorced from Enid's father for about three years. On the other hand, we all know from Double Love that every divorcee in Sweet Valley aspires to seduce Ned Wakefield, so perhaps she wants to spare herself from being the subject of the rumour mill of a small town.
The next morning Liz, still feeling guilty after her illicit kiss with Jeffrey, writes Todd a letter. It basically says, "Dear Todd, I miss you, let's make out when you get back, love Liz." Then Liz decides to go to the ice-skating party, where she runs into Jeffrey and Enid who are skating together and generally having a great time. Liz is shocked - SHOCKED - that Enid and Jeffrey dare to hang out with each other without her being there. I think she's mostly annoyed at the discovery that Enid is capable of making friends who aren't Liz.
Enid blows Liz off and goes to hang out on the rink with Jeffrey some more. He kind of flirts with her and says that she reminds him of Sonja Henie. Man. You know, I gave him the benefit of the doubt before, but I refuse to believe from this point onwards that Jeffrey is straight. What sixteen-year-old boy knows about ice-skaters from the 1930s?
On the rink, Jessica notices a cute guy. His name is Brian Saunders and he goes to the University of Colorado. Everybody take a stiff drink upon the discovery that a Sweet Valley local actually moved away. I guess all that cloying optimism and thinly-veiled racism was too much for at least one person. Unfortunately, Jessica is cock-blocked by Enid! It turns out that Enid knew Brian from back in the days when she did "bennies" and punched girls in the street. Enid is freaked out and runs back to Jeffrey, who asks her to see a movie with him, just as friends.
Side note: I think it's interesting that of all the characters in Sweet Valley, Enid goes through the most metamorphoses: from rebel (pre-series), to geek (SVH), to goth (SVH:SY), to party girl (SVU). Obviously it can be chalked up to character inconsistency and/or the writers pulling new plot developments out of their asses, but it is kind of fun to speculate about what drives Enid to change her "look" every few years. Amy Sutton, Armchair Psychologist, would have a field day with her!
Jeffrey picks Enid up to take her to the cinema, and she shows off the Christmas present she bought for Liz. It's a heart-shaped satin box from somewhere called "Feminine Mystique". I think it's implied that there's a vibrator inside the box, but I can't be entirely sure. Jeffrey reminisces about the time he bought Liz a sachet of perfume. Has anyone seen Coupling? There's a character in it called Jeff and when he does something stupid (example) his mother says to him, "Oh, Jeffrey," in the most fantastically upper-crust voice you can imagine. You should know that whenever Jeffrey-from-Sweet-Valley does something along the lines of buying Liz a sachet of perfume, my brain's automatic response is to think, "Oh, Jeffrey."
The next day, Enid goes to the mall to buy a present for Jeffrey. She runs into Jessica, who's trying on a pair of green plastic sunglasses decorated with miniature pink palm trees. Liz, scratch what I said before about those earrings. Jessica is going to LOVE them. Anyway, Jessica uses the opportunity to pump Enid about Brian. Enid doesn't give anything away and leaves fairly sharpish. She ends up buying Jeffrey a postcard of Sonja Henie. Oh, Enid. Deep down, you know.
When she gets home, her father calls her! He invites her to have lunch and go shopping with him the next day and excitedly Enid agrees, but when she puts the phone down, her mother is pissed. Mrs. Rollins already bought tickets for the two of them to catch a matinee performance for The Nutcracker. Well, uh, maybe you should've told Enid about this beforehand, rather than assume that your daughter was unpopular enough to be doing nothing else? Just a thought.
At Jeffrey's house, Enid gives him the postcard. He is delighted, natch. He gives her Sonnets From the Portuguese by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Enid is pleased, but then she worries that he only gave it to her because Browning is Liz's favourite poet. Then Jeffrey drops a bombshell: Liz dropped by earlier that morning to bring him some cookies! I'm underwhelmed but both Jeffrey and Enid think this is a big deal because apparently Liz's cookies come with a secret agenda attached?
Jeffrey asks Enid if she thinks that he and Liz have any chance of getting back together: why else would she give him Agenda Cookies? Now, the way I see it is that either Jeffrey is reading far too much into a simple gift, or Liz did something else (the old "Is that a camera in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" line, perhaps) to make him think she was still interested. It's never really specified either way, so it's your call!
Enid goes home and cries about Liz and her stupid Agenda Cookies. I don't know why she doesn't just call Liz up and point out that she's being kind of a dick about Jeffrey. Even if Enid wasn't interested in him romantically, surely Liz needs to be told that if she's with Todd, Jeffrey's relationships are none of her business, and also it's kind of unfair to Todd for her to be running around after another guy like this.
Jeffrey rings Enid up and asks if she wants to go go-karting with him. Oh, Jeffrey. Enid turns him down flatly. Then Brian, the guy from her rebellious past, rings her up. He asks her out to dinner with him, and after a little deliberation she agrees, because he's handsome and in college. I think the ghost-writer forgot that she was meant to be writing about Enid rather than Jessica. That being said, how exactly is Enid unpopular again? She's going to a big party tomorrow night (hosted by Robin Wilson, one of the cheerleaders, no less - and this is Sweet Valley, where becoming a cheerleader is the ultimate social achievement) and she has two cute boys calling her up and asking her out. When I was sixteen, my idea of a thrilling evening was reading some of the racier Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction out there.
Brian escorts her to a Thai restaurant. Thai is my favourite food in the entire world so I'm already rooting for him over Jeffrey. Over the meal, he tells her that now he's in college he's taking lots of classes on Asian studies. "No wonder you like Thai food!" exclaims Enid. What? Brian orders a beer with his food and Enid excuses it: she "knew it was possible to drink beer sensibly. And beer was probably refreshing with spicy food". I don't see anything wrong with that, but it's clearly meant to indicate the start of the journey down the rabbit hole.
Then Brian takes Enid to a party where there's lots of music and drinking. Everyone's smoking joints and generally having a good time - except for Enid. We get some passive-aggressive criticism of the situation: "She recognised several more people from her old partying days. Back then, when she was usually drunk or stoned, they had all seemed so funny and so cool. Now, watching them swilling beer, Enid thought they looked like losers." You hear that, guys? LOSERS! This series is like the anti-Gossip Girl. (To be fair, Brian was insensitive bringing Enid to a party she clearly didn't want to go to, and she sensibly calls a taxi as soon as she sees that he's in no state to drive her home.)
Cut to the next morning, Christmas Eve. Liz wakes up and she can't believe that she baked Jeffrey cookies. She worries that Todd might find out. Aha! So they were Agenda Cookies! Just then, TBT himself calls. He misses her and they agree to look at the Big Dipper at the same time that night so that it's like they're together. Liz decides that she loves Todd after all.
Oh, and Lila's moved in over Christmas. Do the Wakefields have a guest room? Because otherwise I bet Lila just loves sharing Jessica's messy, crumby, rat-infested room. What do you think would be discovered if it were ever cleaned? My guesses: the entire cast of one-off characters who feature in the series, the manuscript of Cardenio, thirteen shoes (none of them matching), the treasure of the Sierre Madre, Todd's personality, and $53.68 in loose change.
Enid runs over to the hotel her father's staying at. He's at the bar, filthy drunk, at eleven-thirty in the morning. He says to her, "You should know that there's nothing wrong with having a couple. Besides, I remember you used to do a little drinking yourself." Mmmmm, tactful. Enid runs out of the hotel in tears.
That night, the entire school shows up to Robin Wilson's party. Liz takes Jeffrey to one side and suggests he ask out Enid. Considering she hasn't had any indication that Enid has a crush on him or that Enid even wants to be dating anyone right now, that's pretty presumptuous of her. Anyway, then Liz and Jeffrey make out under the mistletoe. In full view of everyone. At a party Enid is also attending. Christ, the two of them are stupid. Oh, Jeffrey.
Of course Enid sees them and starts to cry. Then she runs into Brian. A college guy. Who's hanging out with a bunch of high schoolers. Run, Enid! He apologises to her for their date and convinces her to go to Miller's Point with him.
Once they get there, Brian talks about how pretty Enid is and how much he respects her. Enid buys it because she's never read an article about Things Boys Say When They Want You To Sleep With Them. Then he kisses her. Then he lights up a joint and offers it to her. As I was reading this, I was thinking, "God, this is so lame. Enid's going to refuse it and she'll get out of the car and go home. She'll make out with Jeffrey and she'll moralise to her friends that she's glad she didn't stray off the path of sobriety again. I hate this book."
My friends, I was wrong.
ENID TAKES THE JOINT. SHE SMOKES IT. THEN BRIAN OFFERS HER SOME BOURBON (because he's forty-eight years old?) AND SHE DRINKS IT.
Bravo, ghost-writers! Way to play on my expectations of the characters being really lame! (Note: I'm not saying that I think that it's particularly cool to smoke pot. I think it's cool in terms of storytelling, though, that Enid fell back into an old habit - even if it is for this one scene. I also think it's cool that the ghost-writer showed a teenager actually behaving like one.) I am so impressed by this chapter. If I had read it when I was ten, you can bet that I'd have squirreled the book away under my bed along with all those Sweet Valley books which use the word "breast". For your interest, a transcript of Enid and Brian's stoned conversation, minus the "he saids" and "she saids":
Brian: It's Christmas Eve, holiday time. Everyone parties on the holidays.
Enid: Like the twelve days of Christmas? Is that what they're for?
Brian: Right. On the first day of Christmas, my toor love said to me -
Enid: Toor love? That's not right.
Brian: It's true love. True love. That's very important in this life.
Enid: On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a bear tree.
Brian: No! Wait a second. It's not -
Enid: Bear tree. Don't you know what a bear tree is? It's a tree with bears in it.
Brian: OK, OK. On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two - two - what is it?
Enid: I don't know. Oh! Turtles, I mean turldoves. Turtledoves.
Brian: That's wrong. It's turtledives. That's like a cannonball.
Enid: You're so funny.
Oh, well.
Back at the party, Jessica flirts with another college guy also there. They decide to go to Miller's Point as well, and considering she's only known him for about three minutes, I think that's pretty unwise. Once they get there, they're bothered by the car next to them which is playing loud Christmas music. Jessica gets out to bang on the window...and sees Enid in there, drunk and stoned. Jessica's first thought is to high-tail it back to the party to spread the gossip. I actually cannot believe how much of a sociopath Jessica is. She's practically rubbing her hands with glee.
Mr. Rollins comes by Enid's house to apologise to her. The book says it's ten-thirty, so presumably he's been drinking for the past eleven hours. Mrs. Rollins doesn't know where she is and is worried because she's missed her curfew, so Mr. Rollins says that he'll go out looking for her. Mrs. Rollins suggests that she might be at Kelly's, every Sweet Vallian's favourite sleazy bar. An alternative option is some place called the Pink Lady. Man, that sounds like a lesbian bar. If Mr. Rollins goes there, all he'll find is Claire Middleton and Lois Waller making out in the corner. (I'd suggest Jean West and Sandra Bacon, or even Jessica and Lila, but let's face it: if the ghost-writers decided to make two of the characters lesbians, you just know that it would be the wannabe quarterback and the fatso.)
Anyway, Mr. Rollins goes to Kelly's. Enid isn't there, just lots of lonely old drunks. Mr. Rollins smashes his bottle of gin on the pavement to show that he'll never drink again. The next day, some kid is playing with the shards of glass Mr. Rollins left in the street, cuts himself, and ends up bleeding to death because of the lack of adult supervision in Sweet Valley.
At Robin's party, everyone wonders where Enid has got to when Jessica walks in with Mr. Rollins close behind her. Jessica breaks the news that she saw her up at Miller's Point, "a little bit - under the influence", and Mr. Rollins rushes out. Everyone starts to panic and suddenly Jessica becomes aware that she's the only one who wants to gossip. Jessica actually thinks to herself, I didn't make her drunk, though. And if I hadn't seen Enid and come back to tell everyone, no one would know where to start looking for her. She makes a mental list of reasons why she wants Enid to be found, in this order:
1. If Enid is hurt, everyone will blame Jessica.
2. Enid isn't that bad.
3. Liz will be upset if anything happens to her.
From this list, one can assume that if someone everybody in Sweet Valley hated was in the same situation, Jessica wouldn't bother to do anything about it. Jessica, you suck.
By this point, Enid and Brian are driving around. Enid is begging Brian to stop and take her home but he won't listen. They're going at eighty miles an hour! Of course they crash and Enid blacks out. When she wakes up, her father's there, pulling her out of the car to safety. Then he goes back for Brian. Then the car explodes. When I first read this, I thought that both Mr. Rollins and Brian had been killed off, and I couldn't help but think that that was a pretty harsh moral: if you're an alcoholic, you will die in a horrible explosion. They live, though, guys. You can put your heart medication back down. I wouldn't want you to think that anything ever happens in Sweet Valley. Enid blacks out again.
When she wakes up, it's Christmas morning! She's surrounded by her mother, Liz, Jessica, Jeffrey, and Lila. Jessica apologises and then gives her the sunglasses with the pink palm trees I mentioned earlier. Hee. You know, this is exactly why I like Jessica. She pulls all this sociopathic shit and then she experiences overwhelming remorse and does the lamest things ever to make amends. I realise pretty much everyone else in this community hates her for exactly that same reason, but c'est la vie!
As soon as she's allowed up, Enid runs into see her father in the burns unit. He's covered in bandages from head to toe, having barely survived the explosion. I shit you not, Enid says to him: "Dad, you look so silly." Yeah, that's one of the consequences of walking through flames to save your sixteen-year-old daughter who went driving around with a college boy after smoking pot. Jesus, Enid sucks. She and her dad deserve each other. They hug and he promises never to drink again.
Party at Lila's place for New Year's! Yeah! Liz and Todd make out. Jessica wears her pink earrings. This is such classic Sweet Valley. Loves it. I'm going to lie and say that Todd punches Winston into the pool, even though he totally doesn't, just because the only things that this book is missing are a Todd punch and a pool push. Enid shows up. She and Jeffrey make out. On this ending, let us pause to dwell on the fact that in another universe, Psycho Margo is attempting to stab Liz to death. Yeah, that story's probably better than this one.