SVT Super Edition #5 - Lila’s Secret Valentine, or, Possibly the Best Sweet Valley Twins Book Ever
Lila
Zee book begins with the Booster squad at practice. What are they cheering? “Give me an L! Give me an O! Give me a V! Give me an E! What’s that spell? What’s that spell? Love! Love! Yay!” Um, there you have it….Go love!…Beat that hate! No, the two emotions, magically personified, are not duking it out on the basketball court - it’s revealed that Valentine’s Day is naught but ten days away, and the Boosters are just getting into the spirit of things. They’ve come up with the idea of charging money to perform personalised cheers in the lunchroom for Valentine’s Day. $2 will put your Valentine’s name in a stock cheer, and $4 will get you an entirely personal cheer all about the person. This is to raise money to hire a professional photographer to take photos of the couples at the Valentine’s dance next Friday. Sounds pretty fancy for a middle school. Janet has made each of the Boosters, for homework, make up a stock cheer that could work with a variety of names. We get to hear them here. Winston’s pretty much rules:
“Red is a rose, tulips are pink! Cover your nose, ‘cause your feet sure do sti-“
”That’s enough, Winston,” Janet interrupted sharply.
Jessica’s goes like this:
“Valentine’s is coming soon and you know what to do. Hmm-hmm sends me to the moon. Hmm-hmm, I love you! Yay!”
(The Hmm-hmms are for the person’s name) Jessica thinks this is pretty awesome, but Janet brushes it off with a “Nice try, Jessica”.
I’ll spare you the rest. None of them meet Janet’s expectations.
Then we enter Lila’s POV. Oh my God, I wish I could transcribe Lila’s hilarious Valentine’s dance fantasy in all it’s glory, but it’s really long…It involves streetlights making eerie pools of light on the pavement outside the gym and Lila being fashionably late. People star to wonder where she is. Then a long, dark, chauffeured limo shows up and Lila (looking amazing) slowly gets out. Then Jake Hamilton (the “cutest guy in seventh grade”) comes and takes her hand, and everyone dies of envy. I love Lila. She even fantasises in style.
Lila and Jake aren’t a couple yet, but she knows he likes her because he’s been “sending her love messages that only she could decode”. This means he’d let her drink first at a water fountain, and had held open the cafeteria door for her. Ah, 6th grade. In a conversation with the Unicorns, Lila makes it clear that only a loser would go to the dance alone, and that it’s really important to show up at the dance with a fabulous date. See, men are like handbags, girls. And with Lila, it’s Gucci all the way.
At the Booster table at lunch the next day, Jake Hamilton comes up to order a special $4 cheer. Lila is all aflutter, sure it will be for her. Not so fast, Lila =( Jake is actually commissioning the cheer for Brooke Dennis. Lila quickly swallows her shock and asks Jake what he wants to say about Brooke.
“Well, Jake said, smiling shyly, “Could you talk about how pretty she is? Maybe say something about her dimples? And, um, mention that she likes peanut-butter cups?” He blushed, becoming twice as adorable as he had been in moments before.
Lila felt a huge lump in her throat.
“And call her Snookie,” Jake continued in a whisper.
Alright, everyone on the count of three: One, two, three..Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
(The aww is for poor Lila, not Brooke and Jake’s sickening puppy love)
So what does our Li do when Jake’s gone? Cry? Admit defeat? Not on your life. She immediately talks about what a relief it is that Jake is bouncing back after she dumped him hard last week. That’s our girl. All the Unicorns are shocked, but they swallow her story. Until Jessica asks why she broke up with Jake. Curse you, Jess! Thinking fast, Lila coolly replies “Oh, because of Gray, actually.” That’s Gray Williams, the cute eighth grader from Lovett Academy that Lila recently met. He’s got reddish-brown hair and green eyes (“like the leaves in a forest”), and he’s a thousand times cuter than Jake. Not only this, but when he took Lila out to Casey’s, he ordered coffee Heathbar-crunch ice cream, and everyone knows coffee is a totally grown-up flavour. All the Unicorns can’t wait to meet Gray at the Valentine’s dance.
There’s only one problem (can you guess what it is? If you can’t, you’re retarded). Gray doesn’t exist. Oops. Lila didn’t really think this one through. Personally, I’d just say right from the start that Gray was busy that Friday, but I guess Lila doesn’t think of that either.
At home, Lila decides to tell the Unicorns in a few days that she and Gray broke up. Then Mrs Pervis (her housekeeper - whose name, in certain SVT books, fluctuates in spelling from Mrs Pervis to Mrs Purvis) hands her some flowers to put in water - she’s got to run off to help the gardener, Mr. Pratt, who has badly hurt this back (this will be important later). Lila is cross that she has to “fuss with the flowers and get her hands all messy”. Lol! Then the Unicorns arrive and Lila fakes that the flowers are from Gray. She likes how jealous all her friends are. She's digging herself a bit of a hole here.
The Unicorns go shopping for dance outfits. Jessica selects a flowing, romantic cream coloured mini-dress with a pink flower print. It sounds nice, but on the cover it looks a lot like pyjamas. Lila finds an outfit she had been drooling over from Teen Scene magazine:
“The top was a sophisticated black velvet bodysuit. Displayed at the bottom were long hiphuggers with huge bells at the bottom. The fabric was dark, flowing, almost sheer. Lila knew that everyone else at school would be wearing a dress. No one else would dare to wear an outfit this dramatic to a dance. No one else could pull it off. No one but Lila.”
=) I love the drama expressed over frivolous stuff in the Unicorn scenes.
Lila plans to tell Jessica the truth about Gray, but since her and Jess are rivals as much as friends, she can’t bear to. Instead she goes on about how great Gray is again. Lol. Pride cometh before a fall, Lila. Ellen asks Lila if she can set her up with one of Gray’s friends. Lila feels guilty.
That afternoon, Lila is at Fowler Crest, heading to go lie by pool. She is holding a snack tray. Then a boy dressed in raggedy clothes accidentally trips her up. She is angry and blows a fuse at him. He is apologetic. He’s Justin Pratt, the gardener’s grandson, and he’s helping out until his Granddad’s back is better.
Afterwards, Justin watches Lila swim laps. He thinks to himself how fiery she is, how much spark she has. None of the girls in his 8th grade class at Lovett Academy, the school he attends on scholarship, are like Lila. Can you guess where this is going? ;)
Lila starts thinking to herself that she has to get another date to top Gray. Miraculously, at Casey’s with the Unicorns, this awesomely hot blond guy comes over to ask her out for Friday night. But her friends all shout at him that Lila already has a boyfriend (Jessica actually says “take a hike, bucko”. Methinks the lady has been watching a lot of film noir lately). The guy is confused and crushed, so he walks away. Lila glares at the Unicorns. They tell her not to be greedy =P.
The next day, Lila makes herself up (pale powder all over her face, and blush on her nose) to look devastated. She even brings out an onion to make herself cry. Then she tells her friends that she and Gray broke up (she should have used some black and blue powder on one eye, that’d give her a real reason to have split from him). She tells them it’s because she forgot Gray’s birthday and now he thinks she doesn’t care.
Lila springs the Unicorns huddling over something after school. Turns out it’s a birthday cake for Gray - they were just about to take it over to Lovett Academy for him! (This is pretty sweet of them) Lila is horrified, and lies that she and Gray already made up…umm…he’d called for her during seventh period. Nice work, Lila.
Lila catches Justin watching her a lot at home. She finds him creepy and his green eyes 'inquisitive'.
Lila finally realises she’s in over her head, and decides to bite the bullet and confess to the Unicorns that she made Gray up. Unfortunately, Janet picks this moment to verbally destroy Sarah Thomas. Apparently Sarah has been lying that her boyfriend is fourteen and in ninth grade - but he’s really twelve and in seventh. Everyone deems this pathetic. Seeing how badly they react even to this small exaggeration, Lila backs off.
Wandering through Fowler Crest grounds that afternoon, Lila begins to cry. Justin comes over to comfort her, and she spills her whole sorry story, from her original fantasy about the dance right down to fictional Gray. Justin says he has an idea, but just then he gets called to do more gardening work. Lila decides he has nice green eyes. Oh jeez, it’s so predictable, but I just can’t tear my eyes away.
Lila decides to fake an appendicitis attack that day and get out of having to attend the dance. Unfortunately she picks the wrong moment do it - just when Jess yells out to Aaron (see Jess story). Nobody notices Lila’s moaning.
Lila tries to fake-sick at home, so she doesn’t have to go to the dance. She does the ol’ thermometor-to-the-lightbulb trick. Mrs. Pervis humours her:
“You have a fever of one hundred and nine degrees,” Mrs. Pervis said shortly, peering at Lila over the top of her glasses. “I’m surprised your brain hasn’t exploded by now. Looks like a case of the plague to me. I think we better get you to the hospital right away and start you on intravenous fluids.”
:P Mrs. Pervis sounds like good fun. She goes and gets Lila’s dad. In a rare moment of parent-itis, Mr. Fowler has arranged (as a surprise) to be a chaperone at the dance. He comes in all dressed up in a suit. She can’t let him down, so she goes with him.
When Lila arrives, she lies that Gray is running a tiny bit late. After a while, she pretends she sees him in the crowd and runs off.
In another rare show of loyal friendship, the Unicorns arrange for Lila and Gray to be announced “Valentine’s Couple of the Year” by the band that’s playing. Unfortunately, the spotlight lands to Lila and…nobody. Cos Gray doesn’t exist and all. The band humiliatingly pages Gray to come to the floor. Moments tick by. Just when the Unicorns are starting to figure out that Gray is fiction, a guy shows up. A guy in a tux, with wavy chestnut hair and forest green eyes. Can you guess who it is? It’s Gray! He’s come alive through Lila’s wishing! It’s a miracle!
Except that it’s Justin, of course. They have a romantic dance and Lila realises she really likes him. And they get their picture taken together. Aw.
And we never hear of Gray Williams/Justin Pratt again.
Gray! Gray! Go away!
Come again another day!
Happy Valentine’s Day! Yay!
Elizabeth
Elizabeth and the Sixers newspaper are doing a similar thing to the Boosters. For a dollar fifty, they’ll let people print ‘lovegrams’ to their Valentines, and for another dollar they’ll write the lovegram for them. Elizabeth is stupidly reading a book of love poetry by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (what 12 year old would do that?!) to give her ideas on something romantic to do for Todd this year. This makes me roll my eyes, but it’s also pretty cute. You just know Lizzie probably identifies with Browning - “ooh, she has the same name as me!”
There’s a funny exchange at the Wakefield dinner table that night, where Liz reads out the love poem Patrick Morris sent to Sophia Rizzo:
“Dark beauty with eyes of night, a smile like light of day
You I revere with all my might, until you say me nay”.
It’s revealed that Liz composed this for Patrick to send. Mrs. Wkefield is surprised Liz could compose something like that. Steve makes fun of Jess for not knowing what ‘say me nay’ means. Jess makes fun of Steve for giving his girlfriend a wrench set for her birthday. Steven calls Liz “Ms. Smarmy” (lol). The Wakefield parents end the argument by proposing they all change the subject. Mr. Wakefield actually asks “So, how ‘bout those Lakers, huh?”. No wonder they manage to tune out all the horrid stuff going on in SVH, they got tons of practice.
Liz is still confused as to what to get Todd for Valentine’s. Amy tells her to just let her romantic side loose, as Valentine’s is a time to go over the top. Don’t encourage her, Amy! Elizabeth decides to write Todd a poem.
Elizabeth prints out her poem for Todd at school, using some fancy curlique-y script and kissing the envelope with her pink lip gloss. She’s about to sign her name, but decides it’ll be more romantic this way, and that Todd will know it’s from her. Pretty sure I have to transcribe her opus here:
Dear Todd,
I’ve often wished that I could show
How you pierced my heart with Cupid’s bow,
But we’ve been friends for far too long
For you to buy my siren’s song.
Oh Todd, so deep your eyes of brown.
I pray I see our friendship’s grown.
I pray I see your understanding
For the love my heart’s commanding.
On this, the feast of Valentine,
Please say your heart feels just like mine.
With wings of air I look ahead
Towards a day with joys unsaid,
And then I’ll know we two won’t part
Because I’ve given you my heart.
With love from…
I don’t even…I can’t even…this is too good. I could make fun of this poem for two pages. Suffice to say, it sounds like Liz is ready to donate her virginity to Todd at the ripe old age of twelve.
Todd is really spacey and practically ignores Liz the next couple of times they hang out. She is hurt that he isn’t saying anything about her poem. She should just ask him about it, the idiot.
Liz and Todd are hanging at the book store (even their dates are boring), but Elizabeth can’t get TBT’s attention because he keeps watching other girls. Liz drops some not-so-subtle hints about asking her to the dance, but Todd misses the bait. Liz angsts. Aaron Dallas finds Liz and mysteriously wants to talk.
Todd beckons to Liz at school the next day, and she thinks he’s finally going to ask her to the dance. Instead, he tells her he thinks they should see other people and not be so serious. Liz, assuming he has been scared off by the intensity of her poem, is furious and agrees to the break up.
Liz writes more romantic lovegrams for the Sixers. Mr. Bowman is shocked at how passionate they are. You almost expect him to start coming onto Liz. Liz imagines herself alone in future years, with only her love poems and a bunch of cats to keep her company. Lol:
^ Grown up Liz.
Elizabeth starts to run into some problems with her lovegrams. Some people are really unsure about sending such mushy/intense poems, but Liz keeps convincing them that it’s Valentine’s day and they should let loose their innermost emotions.
Mandy Miller rejects Elizabeth’s love poem for Peter DeHaven, which includes the line “be forever hero mine”. She just wants to send him a nice lovegram so he’ll think she’s nice. Liz tries to pressure her; Randy Mason has to assure her that she can write whatever she wants. He then tells Liz (nicely) to back off with all the romance stuff.
Elizabeth gets mildly in trouble with Mr. Bowman - someone has complained that she coerced them into sending a lovegram more romantic than they were comfortable with. Mr. Bowman is really nice to Liz about it, and tells her it isn’t a big deal, but Liz is of course mortified. She realises she’s been compensating for her lack of love life by trying to get too involved in other people’s. Now if she could only remember that, oh, during the whole Sweet Valley High series, we’d be set.
Todd
Todd is flattered and blown away by Elizabeth's poetic masterpiece, and at first he rightly thinks it’s from her. But then he stupidly starts thinking about how sensible she usually is, and decides to assume it can’t have been her who wrote it. Todd must have a secret admirer! (See, Liz, being a know-it-all nose-grind comes back to bite you. Todd, assuming makes an ass out of u and me)
Todd, thinking he’s some great prize, thinks that he owes it to his admirer to set himself free so that she can have a chance with him. Sounds like his ego has inflated to the size of Texas.
Todd starts to think that it’s Brooke Dennis who likes him, because she asks to borrow fifteen cents, and “A girl didn’t borrow money from just anyone. She had to be comfortable with that person”. Um, okay. Plus, he had bumped into her recently, and when Todd had apologised, Brooke had said, “no problem”. “As in, I don’t mind if you bump into me, Todd. And bumping was sort of like hugging, wasn’t it?” Todd is delusional. He is way too confident, and all “Brooke, we don’t have to play games. I know you like me. Just tell me what time to pick you up for the dance.” Brooke tells him she is already going with Jake. Todd is confused.
Again, Todd thinks he’s found his secret Valentine. Apparently now it’s Maria Slater, because she smiled at him and pulled down a Bunsen burner for him in Science class. *Rolls eyes* Oh yeah, and “he remembered other things in the past, other signals she’d been sending him. Sitting next to Elizabeth at lunch, when Todd was there. Being at Elizabeth’s house, when Todd called”. :| Todd actually scares me with his shit reasoning in this book. Of course, Maria is dumbfounded when Todd approaches her, and she already has a date. Todd is somewhat discouraged.
Caroline Pearce corners Todd to ask him about his breakup with Elizabeth. He is horrified and hopes the admirer isn’t her, but turns out she’s just trolling for gossip as usual. She lets slip that Bruce asked Elizabeth to the dance. Todd is mad.
Todd thinks he’s FINALLY found his admirer in Sophia Rizzo - she beckons to him and everything - but, turns out she was actually beckoning to Patrick Morris.
Todd decides that, whoever his admirer is, she can’t hold a candle to Elizabeth. He decides to go to the dance alone, to try and make up with her there.
Todd gives Liz flowers and candy, and apologises for being a dickwad. She agrees to dance with him, and finally accepts his apology after he begs and pleads for a while. When she finally sinks into his arms, she quotes a couple of lines from the poem. Todd pulls back, amazed, and is all “you mean it was you all along?” Elizabeth finally understands what’s happened and they laugh about the whole thing. I’d punch him.
Jessica
Jessica hopes Aaron gives her a $4 personalised cheer. We get to hear about how they're 'sort-of' boyfriend and girlfriend.
Jessica is irate on Elizabeth’s behalf because of Todd’s break up. I love how Jess rallies on Liz’s side when people cross her. Except then she sees Liz and Aaron together a lot and starts getting suspicious. Jess hasn’t been asked to the dance yet by Aaron.
Bruce Patman calls to ask Liz to the dance. Presumably so he can date-rape her. She says no, because she still wants to give Todd her virginity. Then Aaron calls to talk to Liz. Jess is furious.
Aaron and Liz have lunch together. Jessica watches jealously. Lots of guys ask Liz to the dance, but Liz turns them all down. Jess fears it’s because Liz is already going with Aaron.
Jessica decides that she’s going to publicly humiliate Aaron (somehow) the next day, by exposing him as dating her twin in the lunchroom.
Jessica tells the Unicorns of her plan to humiliate Aaron, but they’re mysteriously on his side. Then, just when she yells out that she has something to say to Aaron, they launch into a cheer for Jessica:
Oh Jessica, Oh Jessica,
You make my heart beat fast.
You’ve always been the twin for me,
From first until the last.
I love the way you chew your gum,
Right in our science class.
Around you I am never glum,
Not even when you sass.
Your long blond hair is like the sun,
Your eyes are like the sky,
With you I have terrific fun,
I’ll never make you cry.
You take a joke just like a boy,
You look just like a girl.
I’d follow you to Illinois,
Or all around the world.
I can’t compete with Johnny Buck,
He sure gives me a blister.
And now I find, with just my luck,
You think I like your sister.
But Jessica, you must believe,
There is no other one.
I’d like to take you out tonight,
In order to have fun.
Please say you’ll be my date tonight,
I’ll bring you one red rose.
There’s no way I’ll be late tonight,
Or step upon your toes.
Be my Valentine, Jessica! Love Aaron! Yay!”
Ow. My fingers hurt now. This is apparently the longest custom cheer they've ever done. My favourite bit is “you take a joke just like a boy/you look just like a girl”. Good thing, that. Kudos to them for rhyming ‘boy’ with ‘Illinois’, though!
Jess, misty-eyed, accepts Aaron's invite. Turns out Aaron was only spending time with Liz to get help for the cheer (Liz told Aaron Jess has blond hair and blue eyes and is sassy? Like he couldn't have figured that out for himself) and to comfort her over Todd.
And to wrap things all up in this recap, the Unicorns do a cheer for Bruce Patman, sent by ‘anonymous’ - who turns out to be Caroline Pearce. Ha! And speaking of Caroline Pearce, this book is in many ways a dead ripoff of SVH #17, "Love Letters", in which Caroline makes up her own perfect guy. But I'm pretty sure this book shits all over "Love Letters", because it's Lila and she's awesome - and she never has to admit that she made the whole thing up.