Sweet Valley High #108 Left at the Altar!
This is book two in a "tantalizing" miniseries. On the cover Liz and Jess are wearing hideous peach bridesmaid dresses with matching shoes. Remember dyeables? Ick. Jessica looks like a tiger about to pounce and Elizabeth, unsurprisingly, has bitchface. The bride’s dress is nice though. It’s hard to remember a time when brides wore anything but the poofy strapless things they wear now. The groom looks like a disturbed asshole. And that’s what he is! Neat!
#107 Recap: Sue Gibbons, the daughter of Alice Wakefield’s college roommate is living with the Wakefields and letting Alice plan her wedding because Sue’s mother recently died from some kind of blood disease. Sue is engaged to a "gorgeous" asshole named Jeremy. Everyone just loves Jeremy. And when I say "everyone" I mean Sue… and Jessica.
The book opens with Jeremy and Jessica making out behind the bushes in the Wakefields yard. At Jeremy and Sue’s engagement party. Classy. Elizabeth finds the lovebirds behind the bushes and breaks up their rendezvous. Liz wipes lipstick off Jeremy’s mouth and pulls Jessica’s straps up. She wipes Jeremy’s mouth? That’s gross, Liz. Jessica tells Liz to fuck off and tells her that she’s been a total freak since she fell in love with a werewolf in London. I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence. Elizabeth doesn’t think she’s a freak because she’s discovered the world of self help books. Oh, God. Suddenly Sue pops up behind the bushes. How big are these bushes? Sue acts likes she’s blind, deaf, and stupid and tells Jeremy to come inside the house for the toasts. Alice tells the twins to say a few words on behalf of the happy couple. Awkward! Liz kisses ass and Jessica runs upstairs and slams her door. Elizabeth tells everyone that Jess is drunk from the champagne and is upstairs puking and stuff. Good party, guys!
Later, Elizabeth tells Steven the whole sordid story of Jessica’s stupid affair, and he’s like, "Well, you know how Jess whores around. She’ll get over it."
Then he tells Liz to butt out of other people’s lives. Steven? Is that really you? Liz tells him that Jess might as well face it- she’s addicted to love. Elizabeth knows this because she’s reading Love: Addiction and Obsession and How to Overcome It.
The morning after the party, Jeremy knocks on Jess’s window. Aren’t they on the second floor? Did he climb a fucking tree? She runs outside to see him, squealing over how hot he looks in his Texas Tuxedo. He wants to take her to Secca Lake and have sex with her. I mean, watch the sunrise. But then Sue shows up, saying she couldn’t sleep and wants to watch the sunrise too. She tells Jessica that she won’t tattle about her sneaking out all night to see her secret love, Bruce Patman. Ew. That’s a horrible cover story. Sue says that she can’t believe how much Jessica and Jeremy look alike. It’s Seinfeldian. Jessica’s been waiting for her one true love- herself. Sue antagonizes Jess by complimenting her "cute little dress," and calling her "adorable". It’s pretty awesome. Then she calls Jessica Jessie and Jessica’s brain explodes from anger and 10 years of pent up sexual frustration. How long were these girls’ sixteen, anyway? Was it ten years?
After Jess gets back from the lake, she talks to Lila, who is dating Jeremy’s best friend, Robby. Robby is a starving artist, but Lila is willing to overlook his icky poverty level- so Jessica tells her that Robby is probably just dating her for her money. Step off Lila, Bitch! But Lila can handle it. She tells Jess that she realizes "how lucky I am that my boyfriend is available and not on the verge of marrying someone else. What’s going on with lover boy? Are you going to be his mistress after the wedding?" ZING! Lila says it better then I ever could. Jessica is pissed and says that she won’t play second fiddle to anyone. Except Sue. And Lila. But no one else!
Later that day, Jeremy and Sue are opening engagement presents with the Wakefields. Lila gives the couple satin sheets. HA! Jeremy and Jess meet in the kitchen and Jeremy tells her that he is taking Sue to a nature movie that night. After the movie he will drive down the street, honk his horn, and Jessica can come out and meet him for his second date. Jess readily agrees.
Why don’t you just bend over Jess? Way not to play second fiddle.
That night, Jess is getting dressed in her black jeans and purple tank top, while Elizabeth sits on her bed, quoting her stupid self-help book and being the pissy, preachy, killjoy we all love to hate. Jessica tells her to shut her pie hole and mind her own goddamn business, so Liz locks Jessica in her room.
For real. When Jeremy honks the horn, Jessica picks the lock on her door with a bobby pin and gets out. She doesn’t hunt Elizabeth down and punch her in the mouth, as I would, but runs outside to meet Jeremy. He takes Jess to Miller’s Point and tells her that he never really loved Sue. He says he’s going to call off the wedding. Jessica believes him because she’s a dumbass.
Lila is out on the town with poverty-stricken Robby. Li takes him to La Maison Blanche, one of the fanciest restaurants in Sweet Valley. She gets squirmy when he orders the filet mignon, and asks him if he has had success selling his paintings. Robby says that he’s not interested in selling his stuff because his "art would somehow lose its integrity" if he had to think about potential buyers. Lila’s like, "Boy, you just ordered filet mignon. Fuck integrity."
Back at home Elizabeth hears Sue crying in her room so she lets herself in to see what’s going on. Sue tells her that her mother just died, her fiancé’s an asshole, one of her bridesmaids is a whore, and the other one won’t get her head out of Sue’s ass. Kidding! Turns out that Sue has the same blood disease as her mother and has only a short time to live. She doesn’t think it’s fair to marry Jeremy knowing she’s going to check out soon. Elizabeth still wants Sue to marry Jeremy even though she knows that he’s a complete dick. Nice. Liz waits for Jess to come home from her date and tells her that Sue is as good as dead and is calling off the wedding. Jess wonders what that will mean for her and Jeremy. Liz is disgusted. Again. Some more.
The next morning, Elizabeth is nervous because Todd is back from his grandmother’s house and is coming over to see her. Todd spent the summer at Grandma’s house? Isn’t that something people do when they’re five? What a dipshit. Speaking of dipshits, Elizabeth doesn’t know whether or not to tell Todd about the werewolf incident or not. Elizabeth? Don’t tell anyone about it. Ever. I’m sad I have to know about it. Todd arrives and takes Liz to the beach. There, he tells her that he spent a lot of time this summer having non-sex with his Grandma’s neighbor. Elizabeth is pissed, even though she spent a lot of time in London having non-sex with Teen Wolf. Elizabeth runs off, yelling "I’ll tell you what’s silly. You and I being together is silly." Whoa. Don’t be so rough on him, Liz.
Jessica meets Lila at the Dairy Burger, and Lila tells her that she is going to pretend to be poor so she can find out if Robby likes her or her giant pile of cash. When Lila goes out with Robby that night, she tells him that her real parents worked as servants for the Fowlers then died in a car crash. The Fowlers kept Lila so that she could play chambermaid to their bitchy daughter, Venice, who is now conveniently at a boarding school in Switzerland. Poor, sad, Lila has spent her life cooking and cleaning and being left in hotel rooms. Venice? What’s sad is that some stupid girl read this book in 1994 and five years later named her kid Venice. Lila says she gets a small allowance and she’s been blowing it on filet mignon. Robby feels bad and says he loves her even more as a poor person. Lila is terrified that now she is actually going to have to act poor. Ew!
At Casa Wakefield that night, Jeremy tells Jessica that Sue told him about her horrible illness, and now he has no choice but to marry her. Jeremy tells Jess that "Sometimes in life, we can’t only think of ourselves." Jessica no understand.
The next Day at the DB, Elizabeth is trying to plan Sue’s wedding shower with Enid and Olivia. She wants to throw Sue a "book shower" which even Enid thinks is incredibly lame. Liz lectures Enid about the beauty of self-help books and Enid actually tells her to "lay off and lighten up." Enid suggests they all give Sue sexy lingerie for her shower. Olivia seconds the idea. Elizabeth doesn’t know. Enid calls Liz a prude. Elizabeth responds by ordering a salad and lecturing her friends about sugar addiction and how it can lead to a loss of self-control and freaky werewolf love.
At the mall, Jessica interrupts Jeremy and Sue while they are buying a tent for their honeymoon. When I was six, I went camping with my parents and saw a couple having sex in a tent next to our site. I pointed and screamed PENIS! At the top of my lungs. I don’t know why I told you that. Anyway, Jessica gets Sue to run off and look for something and then corners Jeremy in an elevator. They make out.
That night, Alice is showing Jess, Liz and Sue old pics of her college days with Sue’s mom, Nancy. She tells them about Peter Mallard, who both girls fell in love with. Eventually Alice and Nancy agreed that Peter was a bastard and they both dumped his ass. Jessica is bitter that Alice didn’t just steal Peter away from Nancy outright. Jess, it was the sixties. There were plenty of LSD induced threesomes to be had. And Alice had Papa Patman to get to.
Sue leaves to have pizza and see a movie with Jeremy. Jessica follows them to the theater. Liz follows Jessica, of course. They sit behind Jeremy and Sue and Jessica dumps popcorn all over them. Good idea! That’ll stop the wedding! The whole gang goes to Casey’s after the movie. Todd is there and Liz blows him off.
The next day, Lila and Robby are at the mall and Lila tells Robby she can’t afford to buy Jeremy and Sue a wedding gift so she will probably write them a poem. Jeremy is charmed and tells Lila that she respects her because she hasn’t had anything handed to her on a silver platter. Lila thinks of the Silver Platter room in Fowler Crest and is horrified.
Alice, Jess, Liz, and Sue are at the florists picking out Sue’s wedding flowers. Alice comments on a "lovely" bouquet of sweetheart roses and Elizabeth flips her shit. This is what she says to her mother. "Don’t you think you should let Sue decide about the bouquets herself? I think we should let her find what she likes then you can give your opinion if she asks for it." Alice is like, "Excuse me, Buttinsky?" Jeezus. Are you happy Liz? Now everyone hates you.
The next morning at breakfast, Sue tells the Wakefields that she and Jeremy are going for a hike to do volunteer cleanup work. Jessica would love to help. Elizabeth would love to follow Jess around. Sue is like, "So, um, I guess we’re all going then." Jessica runs upstairs to put on a silk blouse and drench herself in perfume. In the woods, Jeremy tells the twins that they have two paths to clean up and suggests that he and his fiancé take one path and Liz and Jess can take the other. The Twins set off, Jessica bitching the entire way and refusing to pick up trash while being tortured by Eau de Mosquito and Elizabeth Wakefield. Her silk shirt gets dirty and stinky. Don’t tell me the Wakefield’s sweat. Pascal won’t be happy about this at all.
At the end of the path, Jessica pretends to twist her ankle so that Jeremy has to carry her to the car.
That night Sue and Jeremy hold a barbeque at the beach for all of their friends who have come from out of town for the wedding. The twins and their friends are there too because everything revolves around them, even other people’s weddings. Jessica is wearing her very best silk mini-dress (with little flowers and spaghetti straps) and high heeled sandals. Amy and Lila make fun of her for being outrageously overdressed for the beach and Sue calls her outfit "cute" again. One of Sue’s friends ask what Jessica does and Sue says "Jessica is still in high school. Isn’t that adorable?" Ha.
Todd tries to talk to Liz but she ignores him. Then she makes Enid help chase down Jessica who has managed to sneak away with Jeremy. Enid says that she’s uncomfortable butting in and that this is none of their business and ARE YOU LISTENING LIZ? No. No she’s not.
The next day (the day before the wedding) the Wakefield’s backyard is set up for the wedding reception and Sue has her wedding shower. Jessica is disturbed by all the sexy underwear Sue is getting. Jess gives Sue cotton granny panties. Enid suggests that Sue use them as placemats. Enid is downright outgoing and likeable in this book. Of course that’s in comparison to the grossness of all the other characters, but still. Later, the subject of Jeremy’s bachelor party comes up and Elizabeth has a fit over the idea of such a barbaric ritual. Lila is bored so she suggests that the girls raid the bachelor party.
It turns out that Robby has planned a sit-down dinner party instead of a traditional bachelor party. Actually he calls it a "quiet dinner by candlelight." Ok. That’s…weird. Also weird? He invited Bruce Patman. And Todd. Worst bachelor party ever. Todd complains to Steve about Elizabeth and her recent, um, episodes. Steve tries to cheer Todd up by telling him that Liz has been a controlling bitch ever since London, and that she’ll get over it eventually. Jeremy tells Robby about his fling with Jessica. At the end of the evening, Steve falls asleep, Todd reads a book and Bruce plays tic-tac-toe with some guy I’ve never heard of. Suddenly Jess, Liz, Lila, Olivia, Amy and Enid crash the "party." Where are Jeremy and Sue’s friends? Why are they partying with a bunch of high school kids? What’s going on?
Anyway, Liz and Todd make up after Steve tells Liz to get her shit together. She tells Todd about Teen Wolf and he responds with, "I guess it’s normal for us to have little flings like that when we’re apart." God, he’s stupid. Jessica leaves with Jeremy, and Todd asks Liz if she wants to go after her. Elizabeth says that she’s not Jessica’s bodyguard and finally…unclenches.
On the other side of the room, Lila tells Robby that she’ll cook brunch for him tomorrow morning at Fowler Crest.
Jessica and Jeremy go to Secca Lake and watch the sunrise. Jeremy tells Jess that they are soul mates and that they’ll always be together in their hearts. Then they don’t have sex.
Later that morning Robby shows up at Fowler Crest and finds Lila and the kitchen in disarray. She tries to make Robby waffles but instead makes little rubbery waffle-shaped things. Robby suggests they eat at the mall. Lila agrees, and leaves the mess in the Fowler kitchen to the maids. Robby doesn’t find this peculiar at all. He doesn’t even ask where the Fowler’s are, or how Li manages to cruise the Valley in a lime green Triumph. He’s poor and stupid.
That afternoon, the Twins and Sue go to the mall to get manicures. Sue wants to go shopping and get some clothes for her trousseau. She ends up dropping thousands of dollars and Jessica and Elizabeth wonder where she got that kind of cash.
When Robby picks up Lila for the wedding that night she takes him into her room and makes him stand in her enormous closet. She tells him that she’s filthy rich and never wants to go in another kitchen ever again. Robby tells her he loves her, for richer or poorer. Then they don’t have sex.
At the wedding, Liz is shitting her pants, wondering what Jessica could possibly do next. Well, I’ll tell you what she does next. She stops the wedding and yells "Jeremy is in love with me!" in the middle of the ceremony. Are you shocked? Well the master of ceremonies certainly isn’t. Father Bishop says "Well then, that is that. This ceremony is officially null and void." Huh? That’s it? I hope they don’t pay him, he’s kind of rude. So Sue collapses and the Wakefield parents are enraged and everyone jumps up and Father Bishop wanders off and you’ll have to wait for #109 Double-Crossed to see what happens.