Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #10: The Year Without Christmas
Here we go: possibly the most metatextual Sweet Valley book of all time, wherein Jessica has to live the holiday season over and over again. We've all seen the film Groundhog Day, right, where Bill Murray lives the same day on a loop? Well, this book is exactly like that. Except with Jessica Wakefield instead of Bill Murray. And it's set on Christmas Eve in California, rather than Groundhog Day in Pennsylvania. And also, everything else is completely different as well.
The main reason why I like this book: it's almost entirely Jessica POV. Jessica being my favourite character, this made the book an easy sell to me. When I was recapping it, I imagined myself lurking shiftily around a seedy bar with a flashing neon Sweet Valley sign above it and lower down, in glowing pink letters, screamed the words, "ALL JESSICA POV ALL THE TIME." So yes, I'm a little ashamed.
Here's the cover. At no point in this book is Jessica trapped inside an enormous snowglobe, so you Jessica-haters out there can just stop rubbing your hands with glee! Don't pretend that you weren't. I'm onto you guys. See that person standing there, just outside your window? Yeah. THAT'S ME. I'm totally watching you.
Anyway, the book. A collection of SVMS students have gathered in the Wakefields' front room, all ready to play Secret Santa. Apparently there are meant to be two sets of friends present: Lila, Aaron, Ellen, Mandy, and some dude called Mike McClusky for Jessica, and Amy for Liz. Harsh. Where's Maria? And Todd? And Julie Walker? There are also a bunch of randoms like Winston and Ken, neither of whom I thought were particularly good friends with either of the twins during middle school.
Jessica has an enormous crush on Mike McClusky who, we are told, is a "dreamboat". I don't like this Mike McClusky, who shows up out of nowhere with his blond good looks and makes Jessica crush on him over poor unloved Aaron Dallas. Possibly my dislike is a little extreme, but it's like when Poochie was introduced onto The Itchy & Scratchy Show on The Simpsons. He's just a pathetic ratings-booster whom nobody likes. I am not a Jessica/Mike McClusky shipper. I have nothing but scathing remarks and sneers for Mike McClusky! Jessica hopes that she gets him for Secret Santa but she gets Liz instead. Jessica fumes.
A bunch of kids stay behind after the gathering in order to help clear up, and they excitedly discuss the Wakefields' Christmas Eve party. Jessica tells everyone that she wants it to be "classy. Adult. Sophisticated." Man, who was it who said in one of their SVT recaps recently that it was annoying when twelve-year-old Jessica wanted to be "sophisticated"? Because they were so right. I feel kind of ashamed of Jessica in this book. Damnit, Favourite Character! Be cooler! Anyway. Everyone else wants a traditional Christmas sitting by the fireplace and singing carols. The Wakefields have a fireplace?
Liz points out that a fancy Christmas party would take more work than they could manage, considering that Christmas Eve is in two days time. Hold the phones. It's two days before Christmas Eve and they've only just started planning the party? My mother would have been frantically scrubbing stairs and making Christmas pudding for weeks already. Actually, I lie. My mother would have done nothing of the sort. But she would at least have broken open a few packets of mince pies and maybe moved things about a bit in the living room.
The next day, Liz goes to the mall and sadly looks for a Christmas present for Lila, her Secret Santa giftee. She's sure that Lila already has everything that money can buy. In her despair, she briefly considers buying her a mannequin. Heh. She imagines making a present and giving it to Lila: She could picture Lila's reaction now: "Gee, thanks, Elizabeth...What is it?" Then she'd flip her hair over her shoulder, give Elizabeth a snobby look, and everyone would crack up. Ha! And you know, she's probably right.
Jessica is also at the mall, where she runs into Mike McClusky. He makes up a story along the lines of I'm-buying-a-present-for-my-sister-hahaha-no-you-probably-don't-know-her-by-the-way-what's-your-friend-Ellen-into? and it's painfully obvious that he's fishing for Secret Santa clues. Jessica doesn't pick up on the hints that he's Ellen's Secret Santa, and bats her eyelashes at him and tells him that she and Ellen used to be on a basketball team called the Honeybees - in a book that yours truly will be recapping shortly! - and also that the two of them love unicorns. (If Mike McClusky doesn't know about the Unicorns after hanging out with Jessica and her friends for several weeks, he's probably not worth crushing on. I'm just saying.)
Jessica suggests that Mike McClusky get his "sister" a purple cap for the basketball team the Utah Unicorns. My friends, I googled "Utah Unicorns", and I regret to inform you that no such team exists! I couldn't believe it either: whoever thought that a book in the Sweet Valley series would make something up for the convenience of the plot? They'll have characters inventing stories about attempted rapes next!
Also, here is a rejected joke that I originally wrote to be included in my recap of the above scene: Mike McLAMEsky. I'm very proud.
Anyway, Jessica wanders over to a jewellery stand and finds a pair of silver earrings shaped like miniature typewriters costing $8.99 - perfect for Liz. They sound kind of dorky, but also exactly like the sort of thing that one twelve-year-old would give to another. Jessica goes to pay for them, but on the way her eye catches a pair of sparkly earrings shaped like Christmas decoration baubles, covered in silver glitter, which cost ten dollars. The clerk tells her that there are only a few of these pairs left. Jessica only has ten dollars on her. Oh, Jessica. Please don't do what I think you're going to do. Please don't screw your sister over for a pair of earrings my ten-year-old cousin would consider gauche.
She does, though. Of course she does. She thinks to herself, typewriter earrings would make Liz look like a dork and Jessica a dork by association. So she buys the glitter earrings. I am mildly horrified, but also amused, that Jessica's awful fashion sense has now become an actual plot-point. Jessica resolves to return to the mall the following day, Christmas Eve, with more money to buy a dress and a present for Liz.
Liz and Alice Wakefield drive the minivan to the photocopying store later that afternoon. The Wakefields have a minivan? I guess they use it to haul home the logs of wood for the hitherto unheard of fireplace. They're getting the family newsletter photocopied to send out. Again, this seems awfully late in the day, but can you even imagine what that must look like? "This year the girls starred in a movie, rescued a barrel of orphans rolling down a hill, and stole each other's boyfriends thirty-four times! Oh, and Steven moped about his dead girlfriend." (Also, why do they need a minivan to bring home twenty sheets of paper? Are photocopies in Sweet Valley inscribed onto solid gold plaques the size of mattresses?)
Anyway, Liz wanders round the store because "she loved looking at all the different kinds of paper and pens the store sold". NERD! She gets the idea to make Lila a yearbook filled with pictures of Lila's closest friends: the perfect gift for someone who has everything. I have to admit, I would love that present. NERD!
Jessica barges in on a busy Liz at home. Liz shoos her away: she's busy wrapping her Secret Santa gift! Greedy Jessica wonders if the present is for her, then remembers that Mike McClusky is clearly the one getting her a present. Also, Liz mentions that Amy barged in earlier and found out about the present and who it is for. Remember this: it'll be important.
That night, Jessica talks to her family about all her fancy plans for the Christmas party, which include real boughs from fir trees, gold placemats, and life-size reindeer made from wire hangers. Hee. She's so tacky! Her family aren't impressed. Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield say that Steven is going to be the waiter for the party. Jessica isn't impressed. Steven is going to be paid ten dollars an hour! I am impressed. That's a pretty sweet deal considering that even in 2007, nine years after this book was published, minimum wage in California is only $7.50 an hour. I wouldn't mind being employed by the Wakefields.
Jessica wakes up the next morning - Christmas Eve. She goes down to breakfast, where her parents hand her, Steven, and Liz cheques from their Uncle Bob. They get fifty dollars apiece. Can I just say, I own The Wakefield Legacy: The Untold Story, which is the story of Ned Wakefield and his ancestors, and there is no mention of his having a brother (and Alice only has two sisters, as we all know). Who is this mysterious "Uncle" Bob? Why does he have a hundred and fifty dollars to dole out to kids who aren't even related to him? Do the Wakefields have Mafia connections? Liz says that she's going to donate her money to charity. Jessica says that she's going to buy a new dress. No word from Steven. Spend it on hookers and blow, Steve! You're only fourteen once.
Jessica buys a red dress with a black patent leather belt. On the way out of the mall, she runs into a herd of Unicorns: Janet, Mandy, and Ellen. Is it just me who always pictures the Unicorns as Teen Girl Squad? I hope not. (Janet is so Cheerleader, it's a little scary.) Anyway, Janet snarks about Jessica's dress and poor Ellen is all, "Yeah! It's ugly! Your life is stupid! Validate me, Janet!" Even Mandy, who's supposed to be the nice Unicorn, laughs at Jessica as well. Jessica pretends that the dress is for Liz, then crawls away to die. Peer pressured!
She returns to the store, feeling utterly humiliated, and returns the red dress. She buys a silver lamé one with an indecently short skirt instead. Who sells that sort of stuff to a twelve-year-old? How do they sleep at night? Why hasn't anyone complained? When did I turn into an angry middle-aged conservative pundit? These are the questions that keep me awake at night.
That evening, Jessica dances around the house in her age-inappropriate dress. Her family is appalled and Steven asks her, "Did you know that 'lamé' is French for 'lame'?" Hee. I love Steven and his bad jokes. Mrs. Wakefield makes her change clothes - Jess puts on a black mini, tights, and boots and a fuzzy red sweater, and I thought that this was the most awesome party outfit ever when I was twelve - and I keel over from shock that she's taking an active interest in her child's behaviour.
Jessica storms off - then realises, to her horror, that she's forgotten to buy Liz a Secret Santa gift. Rather than doing what any normal person would do in the same situation and wrapping up something of her own and hoping that Liz likes it - Jess thinks that "a lousy gift was worse than none" - or even writing her an IOU, Jessica decides that obviously the best course of action is to find the present Liz is giving and switch the name tag so that it reads as though she, Jess, was the one who gave it. She is delighted when she discovers that Liz is Lila's Secret Santa. It would serve Jessica right if Liz had decided to get Lila a bag of dog poo.
The Unicorns show up at the Wakefield house in Lila's limo! If I recall correctly from other books, Lila's limo has vanity plates which read "LILA RULES", which a) is not incorrect, and b) means that she and Bruce really are OTP. Yeah, that's right: to fall in love, all you need to do is to find someone with a similarly boastful vanity plate to you. Janet is with the Unicorns too - Jessica invited her to the party even though she's not part of the Secret Santa group. I usually cut Janet some slack about her hanging out with sixth graders, given that there are a couple of other eighth grade Unicorns, but come on. You're telling me that Janet has nothing better to do on Christmas Eve than to hang out with a bunch of kids two years younger than her?
This next part is scandalous, though: remember the dress Jessica bought which Janet mocked? Well, Janet went back and bought it for herself, and she's wearing it now! Fanfic writers, you may be interested to know that Janet has "reddish-brown" hair. I always pictured it as a very dark brown colour, but I guess it doesn't really matter. Knowing this series, she'll probably be a blonde in the next book anyway. Jessica struggles not to cry.
The party goes from bad to worse for Jessica. She sings badly in front of everybody else, doesn't get to eat any food, forgets to defrost the cranberries, breaks Liz's favourite tree decoration, insults her friends, has to endure her dad playing the harmonica while Winston accompanies him on the accordion, and Steven gives her guests party favours of garlic-flavoured sweets. I feel semi-bad for Jessica, as a lot of this stuff actually isn't her fault.
Then Jessica knocks over the Christmas tree and, the chapter break implies, Lila dies by being crushed by it. Except she totally doesn't, of course. I hate it when books pull this shit at the end of chapters, and it's especially annoying in this case. Like, I've read SVH. I feel pretty confident that Lila's going to live on to get nearly-raped and play matchmaker for her parents. Anyway, Jessica gushes all over Mike McClusky and he totally blows her off. Has nobody told him that this is Sweet Valley and therefore he is required to be in love with at least one Wakefield? And can I just say that the romance in the later SVT books is really horrible? Liz and Todd would never go to a bowling party circa book #100, informal or otherwise.
Presents! Mike McClusky gives Ellen the purple baseball cap and Jessica seethes. Jessica receives accordion lessons from Winston and seethes some more. Then Lila opens her present, the scrapbook Liz spent hours making. She reads the label and is delighted. She hugs Jess - "Only Jessica knows me this well!" she cries - and Liz's lip quivers but she doesn't say anything. Liz is so incredibly spineless, I can't even express my annoyance. I'm pretty damn shy, but even I would speak up if someone took entire credit for something I spent a lot of time on.
Then Amy enters - she's late because she and her mother were spending all day making gingerbread houses for a charity project. She asks Lila if she liked the scrapbook Liz gave her. Lila is puzzled and rather sweetly asks if Liz helped Jessica create the scrapbook. I love Jess and Lila as best friends, although this is totally one of those times when Jessica doesn't deserve Lila's friendship. Amy tells Lila to check the inscription at the front of the book, and sure enough, it reads: Happy Christmas Memories from Elizabeth. Everyone starts yelling at Jessica. Non-Jessica fans, I recommend that you buy this book just for this chapter. And then...Oh, God, you guys have got to see this for yourselves:
Mike came over to Jessica, holding his coat. "I know I haven't known you very long, Jessica. But already, I have this feeling..."
Jessica's heart started pounding faster. Maybe her trick hadn't bothered Mike as much as it bugged everyone else! "A feeling?" she asked timidly, wiping a tear off her cheek.
"Yeah. A feeling that we're never going to be friends," Mike continued.
Seriously, how can a person be that delusional? What did she think he was going to say to her? Anyway, Jess runs up to her room and sobs.
Christmas Eve 2: Electric Boogaloo. Jessica is shocked, and then delighted, when she wakes up to discover that she has another shot at Christmas Eve! I just want to say that this is now page 95 and the book is 183 pages long: it has taken over half the length of the book to get to the "twist" which was in fact revealed on the back cover.
Anyway, Jessica quickly takes advantage of the situation. Some people might say that she's stupid for not telling someone about what's going on, but really, who would believe her? This goes for all the "spooky" or "supernatural" editions, I think: if some girl approached me and said that she'd been living the same day over and over, or that she'd woken up ten years older, or that her sister was in possession of a mask which was making her evil, I would probably laugh in her face. I am not the person you want to come to when you're having an otherworldly crisis, guys.
Jessica makes sure not to return the dress that Janet makes fun of. She sticks a label over the inscription on the cover of Liz's scrapbook. She phones in a large order for gingerbread houses for Amy and her mother to make, thus preventing Amy from getting to the party. She manipulates the singing, the party favours, and the food in order to put herself in a good light. I love how Jessica goes into all this effort rather than simply buying Liz a present.
Of course, Amy comes to the party anyway and Jessica's cover is blown. Everyone ends up hating her again.
The Madness of Christmas Eve the Third. Jessica slashes Amy's bike tyres so that she has no way of getting to the party. Amy just catches a ride from her mother. Hee. Jessica is so dumb for not thinking of that. Everything happens the same as usual. Everyone hates Jessica. I had forgotten how much Jessica-hate there is in this book. I'm surprised I liked it so much as a kid.
Christmas Eve IV: The Quest for Peace. Jessica by this point is completely frustrated and decides to stay in bed all day - that way she can't switch the tag on Liz's gift. She pretends to be sick and her mother, thinking that this is a ploy to get out of preparations, allows her to stay in bed, on the condition that she misses the party as well.
That evening, after presents have been given out, Steven comes in and yells at Jessica: everyone thinks that she skipped the party to avoid having to give Liz a present. Really? I mean, they're absolutely right, but they don't really have a legit reason to think so. It's not as though Jessica was wandering round the house in her pyjamas, eating cereal and singing the theme from Brigadoon. She was in bed the entire time the guests were there. Would Jessica normally skip a party just to avoid giving someone a gift? We know that she loves parties and she's never come across as noticeably stingy when it comes to gifts before now. But Steven says that it was a "devious" plan. Yeah, Jessica's a real criminal mastermind.
Christmas Eve Episode V: Jessica Strikes Back. After briefly considering poisoning Amy's food(!), Jessica buys Amy and her mother tickets to see an ice-skating show, the imaginatively named Christmas on Ice. She calls Amy up, pretending to be a lady called Ludmila and speaking in "her deepest, sternest, Russian-sounding voice" (hee). She pretends that Amy has won the tickets through a competition.
Of course, Amy shows up anyway. Jessica just pre-emptively runs upstairs, claiming that she feels ill, but Liz follows her. Liz says: "I can't think of anybody I'd rather be with right now than you." Jessica rightly feels like a horrible person. Then Lila bursts in and hugs Jessica: it's the best present ever! Apparently Amy was out of the room or something when it was being opened. Liz's eyes fill with tears - but then she tells Lila that Jessica worked really hard on the scrapbook and deserves a lot of credit for it. Oh, Liz. Stop enabling Jessica. You'll thank me for it in the long run. Once Lila leaves, Liz says: "By letting you take credit for Lila's gift, it's almost like I'm giving two gifts at once." Oh, Jesus Christ. Jessica feels horrible. You should have gone with the dog poo, Liz.
Six Degrees of Christmas Eve. Jessica is thrilled to be given a final chance to make things right. She goes down to breakfast and for once acts cheerfully towards her family. Liz declares, for the sixth day in a row, that she's going to donate her fifty dollars from "Uncle" Bob to charity. Jessica, for the first time, agrees with her. I like the implied moral here that if you have fifty dollars you don't need, you need to give it to charity or you'll end up living in some hellish limbo for the rest of your days. And by "like", I mean, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP FOREVER FRANCINE PASCAL."
Jessica offers to donate some of her clothes to Liz's charity, then insists that the two of them spend the rest of the day together baking cookies and tidying the house. Oh, God. Jessica has turned into Liz. No, wait - she's turned into Liz on crack. This is horrible. I hate everything. I speak for all of us, I think, when I say, thank goodness she doesn't stay this way! Yeah, I know at least half of you hate her, but think of what would happen to the Crazy Margo series if Liz and Jess were exactly alike.
Anyway. Jessica lets Janet buy the stupid red dress. (Janet turns pale when Jessica says that she's going to wear an old outfit to the party!) She buys the typewriter earrings for Liz. She lets Lila take all the glory in decorating the tree. She accepts Winston's gift of accordion lessons graciously. She doesn't switch the name on the tag for the scrapbook gift.
And virtue is rewarded. Mike McClusky invites her to go to a Utah Unicorns game with him, and when she wakes up the next morning, it's really Christmas! Ho, ho, fucking ho. I'm beyond caring, and I'm upset about how much I dislike Mike McClusky. This must be how those people who write fanfiction where the Tellytubbies die in a variety of painful ways must feel all the time.
Now, a comment on the ending. Maybe I'm looking at the world through my Jessica-goggles (Jessica-goggles: like beer-goggles, except when you look through them the sociopathic seems rational), but I don't see why Jessica not giving her fifty dollars to charity the first time round is a sign of her inner evil. Of course, it would have been great if she had decided to donate along with Liz from the very beginning, but she didn't and that's that. God, or Satan, or the ghosts of Christmas past, or whoever concocted this scheme had to more or less brainwash her into donating. Isn't the point of donating to charity that it's, y'know, charity, and therefore entirely voluntary? Man, I'm a Christian, and I don't think that Jessica was an awful person for spending money she got for Christmas on a pretty dress.
I get the rest of the morals, I really do: be nice to your family, be a considerate hostess, don't pass off someone else's work as your own, wear clean underwear, etc., and I can totally get behind Jessica having to learn her lesson about those - even if they don't stick for the rest of the series. But seriously, the end of this book sucks. At least Bill Murray learnt jazz piano.
The main reason why I like this book: it's almost entirely Jessica POV. Jessica being my favourite character, this made the book an easy sell to me. When I was recapping it, I imagined myself lurking shiftily around a seedy bar with a flashing neon Sweet Valley sign above it and lower down, in glowing pink letters, screamed the words, "ALL JESSICA POV ALL THE TIME." So yes, I'm a little ashamed.
Here's the cover. At no point in this book is Jessica trapped inside an enormous snowglobe, so you Jessica-haters out there can just stop rubbing your hands with glee! Don't pretend that you weren't. I'm onto you guys. See that person standing there, just outside your window? Yeah. THAT'S ME. I'm totally watching you.
Anyway, the book. A collection of SVMS students have gathered in the Wakefields' front room, all ready to play Secret Santa. Apparently there are meant to be two sets of friends present: Lila, Aaron, Ellen, Mandy, and some dude called Mike McClusky for Jessica, and Amy for Liz. Harsh. Where's Maria? And Todd? And Julie Walker? There are also a bunch of randoms like Winston and Ken, neither of whom I thought were particularly good friends with either of the twins during middle school.
Jessica has an enormous crush on Mike McClusky who, we are told, is a "dreamboat". I don't like this Mike McClusky, who shows up out of nowhere with his blond good looks and makes Jessica crush on him over poor unloved Aaron Dallas. Possibly my dislike is a little extreme, but it's like when Poochie was introduced onto The Itchy & Scratchy Show on The Simpsons. He's just a pathetic ratings-booster whom nobody likes. I am not a Jessica/Mike McClusky shipper. I have nothing but scathing remarks and sneers for Mike McClusky! Jessica hopes that she gets him for Secret Santa but she gets Liz instead. Jessica fumes.
A bunch of kids stay behind after the gathering in order to help clear up, and they excitedly discuss the Wakefields' Christmas Eve party. Jessica tells everyone that she wants it to be "classy. Adult. Sophisticated." Man, who was it who said in one of their SVT recaps recently that it was annoying when twelve-year-old Jessica wanted to be "sophisticated"? Because they were so right. I feel kind of ashamed of Jessica in this book. Damnit, Favourite Character! Be cooler! Anyway. Everyone else wants a traditional Christmas sitting by the fireplace and singing carols. The Wakefields have a fireplace?
Liz points out that a fancy Christmas party would take more work than they could manage, considering that Christmas Eve is in two days time. Hold the phones. It's two days before Christmas Eve and they've only just started planning the party? My mother would have been frantically scrubbing stairs and making Christmas pudding for weeks already. Actually, I lie. My mother would have done nothing of the sort. But she would at least have broken open a few packets of mince pies and maybe moved things about a bit in the living room.
The next day, Liz goes to the mall and sadly looks for a Christmas present for Lila, her Secret Santa giftee. She's sure that Lila already has everything that money can buy. In her despair, she briefly considers buying her a mannequin. Heh. She imagines making a present and giving it to Lila: She could picture Lila's reaction now: "Gee, thanks, Elizabeth...What is it?" Then she'd flip her hair over her shoulder, give Elizabeth a snobby look, and everyone would crack up. Ha! And you know, she's probably right.
Jessica is also at the mall, where she runs into Mike McClusky. He makes up a story along the lines of I'm-buying-a-present-for-my-sister-hahaha-no-you-probably-don't-know-her-by-the-way-what's-your-friend-Ellen-into? and it's painfully obvious that he's fishing for Secret Santa clues. Jessica doesn't pick up on the hints that he's Ellen's Secret Santa, and bats her eyelashes at him and tells him that she and Ellen used to be on a basketball team called the Honeybees - in a book that yours truly will be recapping shortly! - and also that the two of them love unicorns. (If Mike McClusky doesn't know about the Unicorns after hanging out with Jessica and her friends for several weeks, he's probably not worth crushing on. I'm just saying.)
Jessica suggests that Mike McClusky get his "sister" a purple cap for the basketball team the Utah Unicorns. My friends, I googled "Utah Unicorns", and I regret to inform you that no such team exists! I couldn't believe it either: whoever thought that a book in the Sweet Valley series would make something up for the convenience of the plot? They'll have characters inventing stories about attempted rapes next!
Also, here is a rejected joke that I originally wrote to be included in my recap of the above scene: Mike McLAMEsky. I'm very proud.
Anyway, Jessica wanders over to a jewellery stand and finds a pair of silver earrings shaped like miniature typewriters costing $8.99 - perfect for Liz. They sound kind of dorky, but also exactly like the sort of thing that one twelve-year-old would give to another. Jessica goes to pay for them, but on the way her eye catches a pair of sparkly earrings shaped like Christmas decoration baubles, covered in silver glitter, which cost ten dollars. The clerk tells her that there are only a few of these pairs left. Jessica only has ten dollars on her. Oh, Jessica. Please don't do what I think you're going to do. Please don't screw your sister over for a pair of earrings my ten-year-old cousin would consider gauche.
She does, though. Of course she does. She thinks to herself, typewriter earrings would make Liz look like a dork and Jessica a dork by association. So she buys the glitter earrings. I am mildly horrified, but also amused, that Jessica's awful fashion sense has now become an actual plot-point. Jessica resolves to return to the mall the following day, Christmas Eve, with more money to buy a dress and a present for Liz.
Liz and Alice Wakefield drive the minivan to the photocopying store later that afternoon. The Wakefields have a minivan? I guess they use it to haul home the logs of wood for the hitherto unheard of fireplace. They're getting the family newsletter photocopied to send out. Again, this seems awfully late in the day, but can you even imagine what that must look like? "This year the girls starred in a movie, rescued a barrel of orphans rolling down a hill, and stole each other's boyfriends thirty-four times! Oh, and Steven moped about his dead girlfriend." (Also, why do they need a minivan to bring home twenty sheets of paper? Are photocopies in Sweet Valley inscribed onto solid gold plaques the size of mattresses?)
Anyway, Liz wanders round the store because "she loved looking at all the different kinds of paper and pens the store sold". NERD! She gets the idea to make Lila a yearbook filled with pictures of Lila's closest friends: the perfect gift for someone who has everything. I have to admit, I would love that present. NERD!
Jessica barges in on a busy Liz at home. Liz shoos her away: she's busy wrapping her Secret Santa gift! Greedy Jessica wonders if the present is for her, then remembers that Mike McClusky is clearly the one getting her a present. Also, Liz mentions that Amy barged in earlier and found out about the present and who it is for. Remember this: it'll be important.
That night, Jessica talks to her family about all her fancy plans for the Christmas party, which include real boughs from fir trees, gold placemats, and life-size reindeer made from wire hangers. Hee. She's so tacky! Her family aren't impressed. Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield say that Steven is going to be the waiter for the party. Jessica isn't impressed. Steven is going to be paid ten dollars an hour! I am impressed. That's a pretty sweet deal considering that even in 2007, nine years after this book was published, minimum wage in California is only $7.50 an hour. I wouldn't mind being employed by the Wakefields.
Jessica wakes up the next morning - Christmas Eve. She goes down to breakfast, where her parents hand her, Steven, and Liz cheques from their Uncle Bob. They get fifty dollars apiece. Can I just say, I own The Wakefield Legacy: The Untold Story, which is the story of Ned Wakefield and his ancestors, and there is no mention of his having a brother (and Alice only has two sisters, as we all know). Who is this mysterious "Uncle" Bob? Why does he have a hundred and fifty dollars to dole out to kids who aren't even related to him? Do the Wakefields have Mafia connections? Liz says that she's going to donate her money to charity. Jessica says that she's going to buy a new dress. No word from Steven. Spend it on hookers and blow, Steve! You're only fourteen once.
Jessica buys a red dress with a black patent leather belt. On the way out of the mall, she runs into a herd of Unicorns: Janet, Mandy, and Ellen. Is it just me who always pictures the Unicorns as Teen Girl Squad? I hope not. (Janet is so Cheerleader, it's a little scary.) Anyway, Janet snarks about Jessica's dress and poor Ellen is all, "Yeah! It's ugly! Your life is stupid! Validate me, Janet!" Even Mandy, who's supposed to be the nice Unicorn, laughs at Jessica as well. Jessica pretends that the dress is for Liz, then crawls away to die. Peer pressured!
She returns to the store, feeling utterly humiliated, and returns the red dress. She buys a silver lamé one with an indecently short skirt instead. Who sells that sort of stuff to a twelve-year-old? How do they sleep at night? Why hasn't anyone complained? When did I turn into an angry middle-aged conservative pundit? These are the questions that keep me awake at night.
That evening, Jessica dances around the house in her age-inappropriate dress. Her family is appalled and Steven asks her, "Did you know that 'lamé' is French for 'lame'?" Hee. I love Steven and his bad jokes. Mrs. Wakefield makes her change clothes - Jess puts on a black mini, tights, and boots and a fuzzy red sweater, and I thought that this was the most awesome party outfit ever when I was twelve - and I keel over from shock that she's taking an active interest in her child's behaviour.
Jessica storms off - then realises, to her horror, that she's forgotten to buy Liz a Secret Santa gift. Rather than doing what any normal person would do in the same situation and wrapping up something of her own and hoping that Liz likes it - Jess thinks that "a lousy gift was worse than none" - or even writing her an IOU, Jessica decides that obviously the best course of action is to find the present Liz is giving and switch the name tag so that it reads as though she, Jess, was the one who gave it. She is delighted when she discovers that Liz is Lila's Secret Santa. It would serve Jessica right if Liz had decided to get Lila a bag of dog poo.
The Unicorns show up at the Wakefield house in Lila's limo! If I recall correctly from other books, Lila's limo has vanity plates which read "LILA RULES", which a) is not incorrect, and b) means that she and Bruce really are OTP. Yeah, that's right: to fall in love, all you need to do is to find someone with a similarly boastful vanity plate to you. Janet is with the Unicorns too - Jessica invited her to the party even though she's not part of the Secret Santa group. I usually cut Janet some slack about her hanging out with sixth graders, given that there are a couple of other eighth grade Unicorns, but come on. You're telling me that Janet has nothing better to do on Christmas Eve than to hang out with a bunch of kids two years younger than her?
This next part is scandalous, though: remember the dress Jessica bought which Janet mocked? Well, Janet went back and bought it for herself, and she's wearing it now! Fanfic writers, you may be interested to know that Janet has "reddish-brown" hair. I always pictured it as a very dark brown colour, but I guess it doesn't really matter. Knowing this series, she'll probably be a blonde in the next book anyway. Jessica struggles not to cry.
The party goes from bad to worse for Jessica. She sings badly in front of everybody else, doesn't get to eat any food, forgets to defrost the cranberries, breaks Liz's favourite tree decoration, insults her friends, has to endure her dad playing the harmonica while Winston accompanies him on the accordion, and Steven gives her guests party favours of garlic-flavoured sweets. I feel semi-bad for Jessica, as a lot of this stuff actually isn't her fault.
Then Jessica knocks over the Christmas tree and, the chapter break implies, Lila dies by being crushed by it. Except she totally doesn't, of course. I hate it when books pull this shit at the end of chapters, and it's especially annoying in this case. Like, I've read SVH. I feel pretty confident that Lila's going to live on to get nearly-raped and play matchmaker for her parents. Anyway, Jessica gushes all over Mike McClusky and he totally blows her off. Has nobody told him that this is Sweet Valley and therefore he is required to be in love with at least one Wakefield? And can I just say that the romance in the later SVT books is really horrible? Liz and Todd would never go to a bowling party circa book #100, informal or otherwise.
Presents! Mike McClusky gives Ellen the purple baseball cap and Jessica seethes. Jessica receives accordion lessons from Winston and seethes some more. Then Lila opens her present, the scrapbook Liz spent hours making. She reads the label and is delighted. She hugs Jess - "Only Jessica knows me this well!" she cries - and Liz's lip quivers but she doesn't say anything. Liz is so incredibly spineless, I can't even express my annoyance. I'm pretty damn shy, but even I would speak up if someone took entire credit for something I spent a lot of time on.
Then Amy enters - she's late because she and her mother were spending all day making gingerbread houses for a charity project. She asks Lila if she liked the scrapbook Liz gave her. Lila is puzzled and rather sweetly asks if Liz helped Jessica create the scrapbook. I love Jess and Lila as best friends, although this is totally one of those times when Jessica doesn't deserve Lila's friendship. Amy tells Lila to check the inscription at the front of the book, and sure enough, it reads: Happy Christmas Memories from Elizabeth. Everyone starts yelling at Jessica. Non-Jessica fans, I recommend that you buy this book just for this chapter. And then...Oh, God, you guys have got to see this for yourselves:
Mike came over to Jessica, holding his coat. "I know I haven't known you very long, Jessica. But already, I have this feeling..."
Jessica's heart started pounding faster. Maybe her trick hadn't bothered Mike as much as it bugged everyone else! "A feeling?" she asked timidly, wiping a tear off her cheek.
"Yeah. A feeling that we're never going to be friends," Mike continued.
Seriously, how can a person be that delusional? What did she think he was going to say to her? Anyway, Jess runs up to her room and sobs.
Christmas Eve 2: Electric Boogaloo. Jessica is shocked, and then delighted, when she wakes up to discover that she has another shot at Christmas Eve! I just want to say that this is now page 95 and the book is 183 pages long: it has taken over half the length of the book to get to the "twist" which was in fact revealed on the back cover.
Anyway, Jessica quickly takes advantage of the situation. Some people might say that she's stupid for not telling someone about what's going on, but really, who would believe her? This goes for all the "spooky" or "supernatural" editions, I think: if some girl approached me and said that she'd been living the same day over and over, or that she'd woken up ten years older, or that her sister was in possession of a mask which was making her evil, I would probably laugh in her face. I am not the person you want to come to when you're having an otherworldly crisis, guys.
Jessica makes sure not to return the dress that Janet makes fun of. She sticks a label over the inscription on the cover of Liz's scrapbook. She phones in a large order for gingerbread houses for Amy and her mother to make, thus preventing Amy from getting to the party. She manipulates the singing, the party favours, and the food in order to put herself in a good light. I love how Jessica goes into all this effort rather than simply buying Liz a present.
Of course, Amy comes to the party anyway and Jessica's cover is blown. Everyone ends up hating her again.
The Madness of Christmas Eve the Third. Jessica slashes Amy's bike tyres so that she has no way of getting to the party. Amy just catches a ride from her mother. Hee. Jessica is so dumb for not thinking of that. Everything happens the same as usual. Everyone hates Jessica. I had forgotten how much Jessica-hate there is in this book. I'm surprised I liked it so much as a kid.
Christmas Eve IV: The Quest for Peace. Jessica by this point is completely frustrated and decides to stay in bed all day - that way she can't switch the tag on Liz's gift. She pretends to be sick and her mother, thinking that this is a ploy to get out of preparations, allows her to stay in bed, on the condition that she misses the party as well.
That evening, after presents have been given out, Steven comes in and yells at Jessica: everyone thinks that she skipped the party to avoid having to give Liz a present. Really? I mean, they're absolutely right, but they don't really have a legit reason to think so. It's not as though Jessica was wandering round the house in her pyjamas, eating cereal and singing the theme from Brigadoon. She was in bed the entire time the guests were there. Would Jessica normally skip a party just to avoid giving someone a gift? We know that she loves parties and she's never come across as noticeably stingy when it comes to gifts before now. But Steven says that it was a "devious" plan. Yeah, Jessica's a real criminal mastermind.
Christmas Eve Episode V: Jessica Strikes Back. After briefly considering poisoning Amy's food(!), Jessica buys Amy and her mother tickets to see an ice-skating show, the imaginatively named Christmas on Ice. She calls Amy up, pretending to be a lady called Ludmila and speaking in "her deepest, sternest, Russian-sounding voice" (hee). She pretends that Amy has won the tickets through a competition.
Of course, Amy shows up anyway. Jessica just pre-emptively runs upstairs, claiming that she feels ill, but Liz follows her. Liz says: "I can't think of anybody I'd rather be with right now than you." Jessica rightly feels like a horrible person. Then Lila bursts in and hugs Jessica: it's the best present ever! Apparently Amy was out of the room or something when it was being opened. Liz's eyes fill with tears - but then she tells Lila that Jessica worked really hard on the scrapbook and deserves a lot of credit for it. Oh, Liz. Stop enabling Jessica. You'll thank me for it in the long run. Once Lila leaves, Liz says: "By letting you take credit for Lila's gift, it's almost like I'm giving two gifts at once." Oh, Jesus Christ. Jessica feels horrible. You should have gone with the dog poo, Liz.
Six Degrees of Christmas Eve. Jessica is thrilled to be given a final chance to make things right. She goes down to breakfast and for once acts cheerfully towards her family. Liz declares, for the sixth day in a row, that she's going to donate her fifty dollars from "Uncle" Bob to charity. Jessica, for the first time, agrees with her. I like the implied moral here that if you have fifty dollars you don't need, you need to give it to charity or you'll end up living in some hellish limbo for the rest of your days. And by "like", I mean, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP FOREVER FRANCINE PASCAL."
Jessica offers to donate some of her clothes to Liz's charity, then insists that the two of them spend the rest of the day together baking cookies and tidying the house. Oh, God. Jessica has turned into Liz. No, wait - she's turned into Liz on crack. This is horrible. I hate everything. I speak for all of us, I think, when I say, thank goodness she doesn't stay this way! Yeah, I know at least half of you hate her, but think of what would happen to the Crazy Margo series if Liz and Jess were exactly alike.
Anyway. Jessica lets Janet buy the stupid red dress. (Janet turns pale when Jessica says that she's going to wear an old outfit to the party!) She buys the typewriter earrings for Liz. She lets Lila take all the glory in decorating the tree. She accepts Winston's gift of accordion lessons graciously. She doesn't switch the name on the tag for the scrapbook gift.
And virtue is rewarded. Mike McClusky invites her to go to a Utah Unicorns game with him, and when she wakes up the next morning, it's really Christmas! Ho, ho, fucking ho. I'm beyond caring, and I'm upset about how much I dislike Mike McClusky. This must be how those people who write fanfiction where the Tellytubbies die in a variety of painful ways must feel all the time.
Now, a comment on the ending. Maybe I'm looking at the world through my Jessica-goggles (Jessica-goggles: like beer-goggles, except when you look through them the sociopathic seems rational), but I don't see why Jessica not giving her fifty dollars to charity the first time round is a sign of her inner evil. Of course, it would have been great if she had decided to donate along with Liz from the very beginning, but she didn't and that's that. God, or Satan, or the ghosts of Christmas past, or whoever concocted this scheme had to more or less brainwash her into donating. Isn't the point of donating to charity that it's, y'know, charity, and therefore entirely voluntary? Man, I'm a Christian, and I don't think that Jessica was an awful person for spending money she got for Christmas on a pretty dress.
I get the rest of the morals, I really do: be nice to your family, be a considerate hostess, don't pass off someone else's work as your own, wear clean underwear, etc., and I can totally get behind Jessica having to learn her lesson about those - even if they don't stick for the rest of the series. But seriously, the end of this book sucks. At least Bill Murray learnt jazz piano.