SVT #67 Jessica The Thief
In this SVT book, we have a classic frenemy situation: what will Veronica do to join the Unicorns? Look at the title, and then have a guess.
Amazing cover for this: Jessica standing in front of an open locker with her hands stretched out, an “it wasn’t me!” expression on her face. She’s wearing a purple swirly miniskirt with a long pink t-shirt. Looks better than it sounds. After some deliberation I’ve decided this scene shows the final stand-off, so the other two characters are Mandy and Veronica. If I’m wrong, please correct me. Mandy is wearing shiny black leggings And a short-sleeved white top with flowers. Her look is exactly the sort of things you find in shops these days. I am not exaggerating. Veronica is wearing a peach buttoned dress with a denim jacket, and an angry look on her face. The picture linked to has a longer version on it, which has Lila on it too. Not the best fashion day for Lila. Tuck your shirt in!
Elizabeth accuses Jessica of having stolen her blue sweater. Jessica corrects her - she’s borrowed the sweater (which looks crappy anyway) and merely hasn’t returned it yet. Elizabeth says Jessica is always “borrowing” stuff and not returning it - namely her silver bracelet, denim skirt and white blouse. Elizabeth, sartorially adventurous as always. Jessica “borrows” her new yellow miniskirt for school the next day.
The following day new girl Veronica Brooks compliments Jessica on that same new skirt. Veronica has already been in the previous book, The Great Boyfriend Swap, where she made everyone play musical chairs with their boyfriends and finagled a date with Todd to the Valentine’s day dance, where she spent the entire time complaining, saying at her old school they gave out cappuccinos at dances, like OH THEY DID NOT, I bet most parents of twelve-year-olds won’t even let them HAVE coffee, so just shut up and enjoy the cut-out paper hearts and The Best of Whitney Houston already. My favourite part of that book was how the boys just went along with it, as if they were merely inanimate objects rather than having any will of their own. Which I suppose is true of them for most Sweet Valley books.
But since then Veronica apologised to both Elizabeth and Jessica for her devious ways, even though she once vowed revenge on Jessica. I have to admit, Veronica is quite a fabulous character in a Joan Collins on Dynasty sort of way. Veronica flatters the twins’ clothing some more, and then mentions she’ll be lunching at the Unicorner later -she was invited by Lila. Apparently the two of them live near each other, because they’re rich. Veronica is always asking the Unicorns over to her house, giving them food (made by her housekeeper) and letting them her pool. Veronica is already in training for her later career as society wife. Predictably, Janet Howell thinks she is “Unicorn material”. Elizabeth considers her “superficial and sneaky”, terms which could both be applied to Jessica. Jessica assumes she’s still bitter about the Todd-stealing, which, yeah, (I’m very protective of Elizabeth and Todd) but she argues it doesn’t matter because Elizabeth and Todd are back together, Jessica is friends with Aaron again and now Veronica is happy with Bruce Patman. Yes, Bruce Patman. This is a girl who chooses him. What kind of a monster is she?
Do you think Bruce picks her up for dates on his Italian racing bike, complete with vanity licence plate 1bruce1?
Lila shows off her new “Watchman” at lunch. Disappointingly, it’s nothing to do with Alan Moore, but rather a watch with a tv on it. Sounds totally lame, because either the screen is the size of a postage stamp, or it’s a gigantic watch which covers most of her forearm like something out of a scifi film. Jessica admires it, and jokingly asks to borrow it. Lila isn’t playing along; it’s VERY EXPENSIVE and Jessica isn’t reliable. Lila claims Jessica never returned her raspberry-banana lipgloss, but actually that was Ellen. And she left it at her aunt’s house in Newport Beach (potential OC crossover?). Or it went in the washing machine with her jeans. Either way, it tasted “like banana barf”. You’re not supposed to eat it, Ellen. Ellen was the kid who ate paste in infant school. Anyway, the point is Ellen is forgetful. So forgetful, she’s surprised her mother let her wear these expensive silver earrings to school! Especially as they are her mother’s, and they were bought in Mexico. Because the hoops are heavy, she takes them off and puts them on the table. Big mistake. Jessica and Veronica admire them. Mandy points out a new batch of peanut-butter cookies have just gone on sale, and the Unicorns rush to buy them. Being dim, Ellen leaves the earrings on the table. Guess what happens here? Jessica and Veronica are the last to return to the table, after some cafeteria related humour. Ellen’s earrings are gone! Veronica suggests somebody stole them, but who would so a thing like that? Jessica reassures Ellen that they’ll turn it, Ellen is worried about her mum’s reaction and Mandy is shocked that people would do such a thing. Next time, keep the earrings on your head.
As usual, Boosters practice goes terribly. The basketball team are waiting for the Booster to finish, whilst the basketball team girlfriends watch on the bleachers. Among the girlfriends is Veronica, watching Bruce. I always hated the watch-your-boyfriend-play-sports part of relationships. Especially when the girl’s friends were roped into coming too. Janet is annoyed people are here whilst they’re learning a routine. They practice the routine one more time and crash into each other. Charlie Cashman (who is apparently on the basketball team): “Maybe you guys should change your name to the Black and Blue-sters!” Ugh.
Jessica asks to borrow Janet’s hairbrush, but Janet can’t find it in her bag. She’s very upset, because it has natural bristles and she has a sensitive scalp. Lila’s copy of Teenage magazine here too. But which is the real tragedy? Jessica is disappointed because she didn’t get to hear about Jake Sommer’s engagement. By the way, Jake Sommers was a character in California Dreams, a cheerful rip-off of Saved By The Bell by the beach, with a band. Is this intentional? Probably not. But it amuses me. Veronica sidles up to the group and asks what’s happening. She immediately makes the connection with Ellen’s earrings, although that’s on a slightly different level of importance. Jessica suggests people are merely losing their stuff like she does. Nobody buys it.
The following Monday in the girls’ bathroom, Ellen talks about the Sweet Valley Swiper. Ugh. You know what would be better? A Sweet Valley Sniper. You’re next, Ellen! Her mother is making her pay for the earrings out of her allowance. Seems a little fruitless, seeing as that money comes from her parents, but ok. Veronica says if Ellen ever finds out who took them, she should make their life miserable. The culprit could be closer than we think… Lila suggests thinking about what was happening when the items were stolen, for clues.
Mandy takes off her “wide brimmed felt hat” to brush her hair. By the way, at this point they still haven’t grasped that the thief is a girl, despite the stolen items being earrings, a hairbrush and a magazine. And they totally shouldn’t count the magazine. Jessica admires Mandy’s hat and tries it on. Mandy got it from “Granny’s Attic”, the thrift shop in town. Mandy shops in thrift shops, because she is poor. Jessica puts the hat by the window, as Veronica tells Mandy she has great taste. But wait - didn’t Veronica say that to Jessica last week? Is it possible for two people standing next to each other to both have great taste?
The Unicorns leave the bathroom. Veronica hangs back and says she’ll steal, sorry, see them in class. The Unicorns talk about how great Veronica is, and how she should totally be a member of the Unicorns. Mandy suddenly remembers her hat! She runs back to get it, but it’s gone, gone, gone. Elizabeth is in the bathroom - she hasn’t seen anything because she just got in, and the bathroom was packed. Elizabeth is on the case. Yes, it’s another Elizabeth and her Amanda Howard mysteries storyline. Sigh.
Jessica and Mandy walk off, and spot Veronica at the water fountain. They ask if she’s seen the hat. Veronica is shocked! The thefts are continuing! Mandy’s head feel naked without her hat, and she has a big ridge in her hair. Veronica produces a black velvet baseball cap from her bag. When I first read this, that seemed like the best hat in the world. Now, who the hell has a velvet baseball cap? It’s too big for her, so Mandy can keep it. Anyway, now they’ve come to the conclusion that the thief is a girl. Well done team.
The twins walk home. Elizabeth has been thinking about the mystery all day, oh isn’t it exciting? I wish the ghost writer didn’t have to establish that Elizabeth solves mysteries like she’s done so many times before. Elizabeth nostalgically talks about the Snoopers club, which I think was a Sweet Valley Kids spin-off series. That’s some nice cross-media promotion, Francine! Jessica does not have fond memories of it. Elizabeth is hurt, because the Snoopers Club is one of her favourite memories, available for the low low price of £1.99. Also, Elizabeth still wants her missing sweater.
Post-volleyball locker room. Jessica whines about Lila spiking the ball too hard. She had to get a bandage from Ms Langberg for her blistered hand. Poor dear. Suddenly they hear a scream - it’s Mandy! Her jean jacket has been stolen! Would you actually scream about such a thing? Aren’t you more likely to think that you’ve mis-placed it, search around and have a slow realisation? Just earlier that morning, Jessica had been telling Mandy how much she liked the embroidery on it. Sensing a pattern yet? Mandy had unlocked her locker and gone to the bathroom. Well, at least the Unicorns are learning an important lesson about safety and paranoia. Veronica joins them and talks about how awful it is. Well who told you what was missing, Veronica? Also, Ellen’s deodorant is missing. I’m sure a lot of people will be upset about that. Oh, by the way, Jessica likes to borrow that too. Oh noes!
Elizabeth puts on her thinking cap. So far, only Unicorns have had things stolen. Mandy says they should tell the principal, which they totally should have done when Ellen’s expensive earrings got stolen. Surely her mum would have made a big stink at the school? Veronica thinks it isn’t a good idea because he can’t do anything. Except punish the perpetrator once they’ve been caught. So they just don’t! Jessica jokes that she’s available to babysit Lila’s watchman, a really stupid thing to say if Jessica had any self-awareness whatsoever. It’s like she doesn’t even know the title of the book!
Later that afternoon, Veronica is slumped against the wall. She’s been swipped! Specifically, her favourite notebook with a picture of Jake Sommers on it. I really hope it is the Jake Sommers I’m thinking of, because it’ll be a moody picture of him in his leather jacket with a guitar. So dreamy! Elizabeth asks her for details of when she last had it (Last night Elizabeth went to the mall and bought a pocket reporter’s notebook. It didn’t happen on the page, but it did happen. She’s named it the Snoopers Notebook. In glitter.) She just realised it was missing, when she went to put it in her locker. She last saw it in Mr Siegel’s class, when Jessica was admiring it. Jessica was telling her it would become a collector’s item now that Jake was engaged. Maybe. If Jake was Elvis. And he was dead. Lila and Ellen are told - Lila announces that it is no longer Unicorns having stuff stolen. Yes, because Veronica is not a Unicorn. She is nearly almost one. Remember that for later. Bruce shows up, being Veronica’s boyfriend and all. She tells him what happened, he’s cheerfully indifferent to her pain. He describes the missing items as “just girl stuff”. Bruce will only care once MAN STUFF is taken. He’ll care once the 1bruce1 vanity plate on his bike is taken. Then he’ll be kicking up a stink in the principal’s office. Which, by the way, is exactly what Veronica wants to do, now that something of hers has been taken. Clearly things have stepped up a gear now. Jewellery and clothing goes missing, no big deal. A notebook goes, and sweet merciful Jesus! Elizabeth points this out, and her suspicions are raised. But Veronica, what do you need Jake Sommers for when you’ve got Bruce? Really, he actually says this.
They see Prinicipal Clark in the lobby, and run after him. He tells them to give a list of missing stuff to the secretary, and he’ll tell the teachers and make an announcement tomorrow. Ellen wants the police and FBI brought in. Jessica: “I’m sure the FBI are going to drop everything to search for your missing deodorant.” They get Principal Clark to use the term “swiper”. Ugh.
Spurred on by an inspiring chat with Steven, Elizabeth is writing down a list of everything stolen so far. I hope she’s making good use of her snoopers notebook. And really Elizabeth, you should know this already. Mr Clark made an announcement that morning, and everyone is acting strangely. Leslie Forsythe, she of the cripplingly shy acting, is guarding Winston’s sandwich whilst he gets milk. So far, Randy Mason has not allowed her to guard his sandwich. Keep trying, Leslie! (Winston’s sandwich? Tuna and guacamole on rye. Ew.) Elizabeth and Amy reminisce about the Snoopers. Elizabeth suggests getting the band back together. Why? It’ll only consist of you and Amy, and there was no need to get them back together when you solved the charm school mystery, or accidentally foiled a kidnapping and so many other things I can’t remember. This is such a plug for Sweet Valley Kids I feel tainted. Tainted, I say!
Tuesday homeroom. Lila is using her Watchman in class - Jake Sommers is on Good Morning America talking about his fiancé. Stupidly, Lila shows it to Jessica who is all “I want! Gimme gimme gimme!” Mr Davis finds out and confiscates the Watchman, putting it in his desk. At the end of class Jessica goes to leave. And guess what, Lila’s Watchman is missing. Ok, this theft is totally non-sensical. The others, fine. There was opportunity (of the ones we SAW, hint hint). But this one, it was in the teacher’s desk the entire time, and then Lila got it straight away. Madness! Mr Davis can only assume that someone took it when his back was turned. That’s some nice guarding there. Lila is pissed, and blames Jessica for getting it confiscated, rather than herself for using it in class, and even bringing it to school when she knew there were thefts going on. As ever, Veronica swoops in to feast on other’s misery.
Later that day Lila runs down the hall, almost knocking over Elizabeth and Amy. She is ON THE WARPATH. She has a little bit of paper in her hand. She reaches Jessica at her locker and goes mental. She accuses Jessica of stealing her Watchman in class, and then finds it in Jessica’s locker! Mrs Arnette enters the scene and finds out what’s going on. It’s off to the principal’s office for Jessica. After a long talk, she has to open her locker for Mr Clark. And I have to say, if I were Jessica I would be pooing myself about now. If the Watchman was in her locker, what about anything else? Nothing else is there. Thank god.
At home Jessica calls the Unicorns to see how much damage has been done to her reputation. Verdict: Mandy, Mary and Belinda are undecided (all secondary unicorns, I note). Everyone else hates her. Also, in the course of her ringing everyone, Elizabeth went upstairs to wear her blue sweatshirt and can’t find it, so she jumps to the conclusion that Jessica stole it just like she stole everything else, that dirty dirty thief. Jeez. It’s probably just in her room somewhere.
Elizabeth finally twigs that all the items are things Jessica has admired. But doesn’t realise Jessica is being framed as she SO OBVIOUSLY IS. Baby steps, I suppose. Things are rough for Jessica. Her friends don’t believe her, her own sister doesn’t believe her, and Lila mentioned over the phone that they’re going to make Veronica a unicorn being there will be a vacancy soon. HMM DO YOU THINK THAT IS RELEVANT?
Elizabeth decides that actually, Jessica is innocent. Reason: her Amanda Howard mysteries. If a crime is too easy to solve, then it’s the wrong person. Er, that works only in fiction. If the police come across a scene where it appears a husband killed his wife, he probably killed his wife. It’s unlikely that a band of identity thieves broke into her house trying to find her bank details and were caught in the act, leading to a gruesome death. Anyway, she’s investigating. Amy comes over for a super snoopers meeting. Can’t they call themselves the crime club or something less cutesy? The Philip Marlowe Appreciation Society?
Jessica tries to help them go over things, but she’s a little too emotionally involved. Elizabeth paces. Fact: all the items were taken in public places. So the thief has to blend in. So she’s a school-aged girl. Narrows things down. Fact: All the items were taken from Unicorns, except for Veronica’s notebook and she’s almost a Unicorn. Fact: only one thing has been found, and that was in Jessica’s locker. All signs point to… Jessica. Wait, that wasn’t supposed to happen! Jessica says she’ll have to go to reform school and they’ll make her wear a uniform and take away her lip gloss. Perspective, Jessica. Please. Elizabeth notes that Jessica has no motive, aside from liking the items. And she finally remembers that Lila had a note with her when she accused Jessica. Finally, some actual detective work!
Amy calls Lila. There was a note stuck to her locker saying if she wanted to find her Watchman she needed to check Jessica’s locker. The note was typed and unsigned. Lila decided not to mention this to the principal because… it would get in the way of her righteous anger? Oh, and she threw it in a bin. Because it wasn’t important at all. So tomorrow, Elizabeth and Amy are rummaging through the school trash.
They do this, and find nothing. In fact, they do this for four pages. What was the point of including that? Jessica sits with Elizabeth and Amy at lunch. Ellen comes over and demands payment for her earrings - the amount they cost, plus $10 for pain and suffering. Later in life Ellen will make her living through frivolous lawsuits. But lunch isn’t all bad - Aaron Dallas comes over and says he doesn’t believe she did it, and would she like to have lunch with him today? Yay!
Jessica asks her dad what the punishment for theft is. He inquires why, because the school didn’t ring her parents or even give her a letter to send home when she was accused of stealing a seriously expensive piece of equipment. The Sweet Valley education system is seriously incompetent.
Jessica goes to the mall with Elizabeth and Amy. She says they’re not Unicorns, but they’ll do. Elizabeth won’t let the (ugh) swiper case go. They see the Unicorns at the mall, with Veronica. Suddenly Elizabeth has the answer!
Can you tell what it is yet?
In true Sweet Valley style, it involves an elaborate plan where the twins switch places. Rather than merely telling the truth. Anyway, Jessica is faking sick using the old heating pad/ thermometer on the light bulb routine. Elizabeth will be going to school as Jessica, wearing a purple miniskirt and matching top. She has lip gloss and gum to annoy Mr Davis in homeroom. She’s all set. Jessica reminds Elizabeth to take out her barrette, because as anyone who has seen the SVH covers knows, Elizabeth loves her barrettes. She must have an entire box of them, filled with barrettes to match each outfit. Jessica hams it up when her mum comes in. Mrs Wakefield isn’t buying it one bit, especially when the thermometer reads 107 degrees. But she decides to be a lovely mother anyway, realising that Jessica doesn’t want to go to school. But she says Jessica has to stay in bed all day.
Elizabeth meets Amy in the girl’s bathroom, to implement phase two. Elizabeth steps into the cubicle as Elizabeth, and comes out as Jessica! I won’t make the Clark Kent/ Superman comparison, because Amy already did it. Lila goes into the bathroom whilst Elizabeth is changing, and Amy makes “oh hey LILA” noises. When Jessica comes out of the bathroom Lila is all “I’m not sharing my air with a criminal.” The one girl who was in the bathroom throughout the switch says she swore Elizabeth was wearing a blue minidress a moment ago. What, you’ve never seen someone get changed in a toilet cubicle before?
Elizabeth goes to homeroom, successfully imitates Jessica with gum, etc. She claims Elizabeth has flu.
Finally, phase three. Elizabeth tracks down Veronica, and acts super-cheerful, because hey, Mandy still likes her! In fact, the only way Mandy would be upset was if her rhinestone heart pin were to be stolen. Yes, that’s the rhinestone heart pin. And doesn’t that sound like a piece of tat right there? For all Mandy’s thrift store aesthetic, sometimes things can get a bit out of hand.
After lunch Elizabeth goes to her locker (it’s unclear if the “her” is Elizabeth or Jessica’s locker), only for Mandy to run after her, waving a piece of paper. Lila follows, and has this lovely comment: “It was rotten enough for you to steal my Watchman. But Mandy’s pin, Jessica? I mean, I’m rich, I can replace the stuff you stole. But Mandy’s poor-“ So understanding of her. Anyway, the paper Mandy has says Jessica stole the pin, so she wants to check out her locker. Elizabeth reveals that she is not Jessica! They are unbelieving. Surprisingly, Elizabeth is flummoxed - “Somehow she hadn’t bargained on this response. She’d just assumed that Mandy and Lila would believe her.” That’s… ridiculously stupid of her. Poirot would never do this! The little grey cells, they would be ticking over always. Amy vouches for her and Elizabeth tells them to call home and see. So Mandy does. Mrs Wakefield confirms Jessica is home, and gets her to come to the phone. To confirm this, Mandy does a quiz. She asks Elizabeth (the one with her there) who Jake Sommer’s fiancée is. She doesn’t know. They ask Jessica on the phone. The answer is Shelby, apparently. To check, they get Jessica on the phone to spell thief. Shockingly, and I mean truly shockingly, because Jessica is thirteen years old, she spells it T H E I F. Maybe if her English class spent more time on spelling tests and less making films, she’d be able to spell correctly. Mandy asks for Jessica’s locker combination to check the note’s accusation. (32-3-16, fact fans!) The pin is in the locker. The plot thickens. Or DOES IT?
Elizabeth explains her conversation with Veronica about the pin. Veronica has been trying to oust Jessica from the Unicorns so she could take her place! If I were Veronica I wouldn’t oust Jessica. I’d oust Ellen. How hard could it be? I don’t think the other Unicorns even like her that much. Possibly I’m just projecting. Veronica comes down the hallway. Amy runs to get Principal Clark, which is apparently phase five of the plan. What if he were in a meeting? I don’t think that’s a very good phase to have. Luckily Mandy has told no one about losing her pin just yet, because otherwise the rest of the plan would have crumbled. Elizabeth tells Mandy to be mad at her when Veronica walks up. Everyone’s all “how could you! You’re my friend!” etc, when Veronica appears. She chimes in “You know how much that pin meant to Mandy.” Mandy asks her “what pin?” The twins chose Mandy well for this. If this had been a lesser Unicorn, all would be lost. They ask how she knew it was gone. Veronica hastily says Janet told her, despite Janet not knowing. Oh, Veronica. Your web of lies has collapsed and you don’t even know why. Mandy denies having lost her pin, and Veronica is all “You did so!” It’s wonderful, really it is. And the final bullet, uttered by Elizabeth: “How would you know, Veronica? Unless you stole it yourself.” Poirot, he is proud of you. Elizabeth reveals herself as Elizabeth, and Veronica falls back to “I’d like to see you try to prove [my evil machinations].” And who should respond but Principal Clark! He’s going to prove it, by looking in Veronica’s locker. And yes, all the swag is there. To think, she could have gotten away with it if she hadn’t forgotten to clean out her locker.
Elizabeth calls Jessica to tell her the good news. She tells her mum, who says “Let’s celebrate with chocolate chip cookies.” And let’s forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!
All the Unicorns come over, to apologise to Jessica. With balloons and everything! Also, ice cream. Also, we find out that Veronica knew Jessica’s locker combination because she once borrowed her maths book, which has her locker combination written in the front. Let’s hope Jessica learns an important lesson about security. Also, Veronica has been suspended. Not expelled? Oh well. I suppose she’ll never be mentioned again. Which is a shame, as I think her versus Lila would be a bitchfest never to be rivalled.
Finally, Jessica found Elizabeth’s missing sweater and sweatshirt. They had fallen down the back of her dresser. Speaking of sartorial disasters, Jessica asks to borrow Elizabeth’s white jeans. Don’t do it!
B Plot
The twins come home from school to find Steven concentrating hard with friend Joe Howell. They are doing tests from MEGA, the Mentally Gifted Association. Elizabeth is sceptical that Steven will be intelligent enough to join. Joe found the advert in the back of a magazine, and they have a bet about who is smarter. Joe will mail off the tests on the way home.
The next week, Steven and Joe speed past the twins on their bike. Their MEGA scores have arrived. Joe is humiliated, because his score is merely average. Steven opens his letter - and here’s the text in full:
Dear Sir,
We are very pleased to inform you of your acceptance into the exclusive MEGA organization. You scored in the 99.99th percentile, which places you in the category of a genius Intelligence Quoshent.
Yes, that mistake is supposed to be there. How strange, that an IQ organization would spell something like that incorrectly…
Joe dismisses it as a clerical error. No one can believe Steven is a genius; he brings home good but not excellent grades. Jessica points out that the test is computer-marked, and so unlikely to have made a mistake, in the exception of any sitcom which has a smart child/dumb child dichotomy going on. Steven says the test changes everything: “This means I have all kinds of untapped mental power I never even dreamed of.” Also, earlier Jessica said if he was a genius, she’d never tease him again.
Steven is late for dinner. The twins tell their dad about the test - he is unconvinced. Steven enters the room wearing Jessica’s old glasses and carrying a large book. He refers to Jessica as “dear sibling”. His reasoning? “I was just striving to attain a countenance that reflects my newfound intellectual capacity.” Translation: smart people wear glasses. Although points for a nice use of countenance. Steven says he’s tapping into his potential, which is why he’s carrying one of his dad’s law books around with him. After dinner, he’d like a chat about torts. No, not tortes. Steven adds “When you have an IQ like mine, you absorb information like a sponge.”
Joe is looking for Steven when the twins arrive home. He’s been acting “weird” at school. Steven is playing opera in his room, which Joe describes as “a wolf howling at the top of his lungs.” They go into his room - as well as the opera, Steven is playing chess by himself, running around to the other end of the board, sitting in the chair, thinking, moving, and running back to the other chair. Repeat as necessary. Steven greats them with “Hello, mes amis” (He’s listening to Wagner, by the way). Joe asks him to play basketball with him. Steven: “Don’t be silly, Joe. Competitive sports are just a mindless display of the baser animal instincts.” Steven must have forgotten about the time he took out Jill Hale. He adds: “Calculating the trajectory of a spheroid object through space no longer interests me.” That means he doesn’t want to play basketball anymore. But Steven, don’t you want to be like Todd? Todd plays basketball AND gets good grades. Isn’t he amazing?
Steven learnt to play chess last night -he read the rules for five minutes and a genius was born.
Jessica barges in on Elizabeth doing her homework. She demands they do something about Steven, but Elizabeth is more concerned about when Abraham Lincoln was shot. Jessica wants Steven to have an operation to make him less intelligent. Merely suggesting that implies Jessica has already had it. Steven walked past Jessica’s room talking in German. It probably wasn’t German, just gibberish. Jessica wouldn’t know German if an exchange student came and slept in her brother’s room for two weeks.
Elizabeth has been making notes about the Swiper case. She has no clue. Steven barges into the room with his magnificent brain and tells her she needs to find a motive. Elizabeth, reader of all the Amanda Howard mysteries and cracker of several real-life ones, has not considered this. I am working with chimps here. As Steven says, “the rest will follow, as night follows day.” You know what’s fun? Saying all Steven’s intellectual dialogue in a Stephen Fry voice. Try it. Steven gives Elizabeth the answer for her homework, telling her Lincoln was shot one day, but died the next. He’s such a genius! But he won’t give Jessica any more answers. “You’ve got to learn to work to your own potential. Even if it is limited.” Ha!
Steven watches a public television documentary on mating habits of porcupines.
Jessica and Steven watch Q And A, a quiz show where the answers are in the form of questions, which is in no way based on Jeopardy. Steven has gotten every question right so far. Examples of the Sweet Valley school system in action: What is the Southern most state of the US? Jessica answers Florida. Amy answers Texas or California. Everyone is amazed when Steven says Hawaii. Wow.
Also, Steven suggests Jessica is a kleptomaniac. And then defines that for them. Steven’s genius IQ has basically given him the education of a normal teenager.
Steven lectures Joe on geological periods. His favourite is the Cenozoic period.
Steven makes Joe watch Porcupine Love -The Untold Story.
After being proved innocent, Jessica cuts a deal with her mother - she watches tv, then helps clean the house. Jessica watches Days of Turmoil (an especially harrowing episode for Jake Sommers fans, who got jilted at the altar) and then helps her mother clean the house.
Jessica vacuums in Steven’s room. She picks a CD off the floor - Wagner’s Greatest Hits. I like the idea of Wagner having Greatest Hits, like Johnny Buck. But what’s this? Steven got it from the library?! That dingy place that Elizabeth likes? Didn’t Steven say he bought the CD? Doing some more vacuuming, she finds a crumpled piece of paper which has the answers from Q&A! Steven’s a big cheater!
Steven comes home from school. Jessica has been waiting for him. Steven suggests watching something educational on television together. Jessica suggests something on tape - something Steven taped! Jessica plays the tape of Q&A. Steven plays innocent, suggesting he taped it by accident. No no - Now Jessica, she is the Poirot. He played the show and pretended it was new, placing black tape over the play light. This black tape, under the cushion! And why? So he could pretend he was a genius. Because general knowledge = genius. Other things Jessica found in his room - a copy of Chess for Idiots and a copy of volume 12 of the encyclopaedia. The page on Abraham Lincoln is marked, and the date he was assassinated underlined. What a moron. Why would you need to underline it? Why would you need to mark the page? Why would you keep the book in your room once you were done? How would you know your sister is studying Abraham Lincoln? Finally, she produces the list of Q&A answers. Steven claims he’s psychic. Steven, you’re not psychic, and neither are your sisters. Give it up.
Steven admits he was playing a practical joke on Joe. It was Joe’s idea to do the IQ tests, and Steven realised MEGA was ridiculously made up, so he decided to turn the tables. Apparently Joe was going to make Steven a genius and then mock when he remained average, or something. Rubbish joke. Steven’s was better. So he started to act the ridiculously stereotyped part. He decided to involve Elizabeth and Jessica just for a laugh. But Steven’s getting quite tired of it. Apparently it involved reading the dictionary a lot.
Joe comes over. The Unicorns are there too, after apologising to Jessica. Janet explains to Jessica that Joe was playing a trick on Steven. Jessica acts shocked and appalled. Steven talks about how much his life has opened up since the test “I’ve discovered there’s a whole wide world out there, waiting for me to explore it: a world of torts and opera and porcupines!” Steven announces he’s going to quit school. Maybe apply early admissions to Harvard. Joe gives Steven a piece of paper. It’s from MEGA. It seems Steven’s test score was confused with someone else’s. It is Steven Wokefield who is a genius. Steven admits that he knows, they all have a big laugh etc.
In today’s book we’ve learnt an important lesson about lying. Lying isn’t a good idea, whether it be to frame someone you dislike for something pretty petty, like membership to a club, which you were going to get anyway because everyone loved you so it was rather unnecessary really, or lying to a friend to make him look like a fool. Lies begat lies, and mean there have to be convoluted explanation scenes at the end of things. Try to avoid lying whenever possible, except when it’s funny or you think you can get away with it.
So take care of yourself, and each other.
Also, how many pieces of blue clothing do the twins have? The blue sweater and sweatshirt, the turquoise minidress, the blue dress Elizabeth has in another book, and I’m sure there is more. Must they always be dressed in the colour of the Pacific ocean?
Amazing cover for this: Jessica standing in front of an open locker with her hands stretched out, an “it wasn’t me!” expression on her face. She’s wearing a purple swirly miniskirt with a long pink t-shirt. Looks better than it sounds. After some deliberation I’ve decided this scene shows the final stand-off, so the other two characters are Mandy and Veronica. If I’m wrong, please correct me. Mandy is wearing shiny black leggings And a short-sleeved white top with flowers. Her look is exactly the sort of things you find in shops these days. I am not exaggerating. Veronica is wearing a peach buttoned dress with a denim jacket, and an angry look on her face. The picture linked to has a longer version on it, which has Lila on it too. Not the best fashion day for Lila. Tuck your shirt in!
Elizabeth accuses Jessica of having stolen her blue sweater. Jessica corrects her - she’s borrowed the sweater (which looks crappy anyway) and merely hasn’t returned it yet. Elizabeth says Jessica is always “borrowing” stuff and not returning it - namely her silver bracelet, denim skirt and white blouse. Elizabeth, sartorially adventurous as always. Jessica “borrows” her new yellow miniskirt for school the next day.
The following day new girl Veronica Brooks compliments Jessica on that same new skirt. Veronica has already been in the previous book, The Great Boyfriend Swap, where she made everyone play musical chairs with their boyfriends and finagled a date with Todd to the Valentine’s day dance, where she spent the entire time complaining, saying at her old school they gave out cappuccinos at dances, like OH THEY DID NOT, I bet most parents of twelve-year-olds won’t even let them HAVE coffee, so just shut up and enjoy the cut-out paper hearts and The Best of Whitney Houston already. My favourite part of that book was how the boys just went along with it, as if they were merely inanimate objects rather than having any will of their own. Which I suppose is true of them for most Sweet Valley books.
But since then Veronica apologised to both Elizabeth and Jessica for her devious ways, even though she once vowed revenge on Jessica. I have to admit, Veronica is quite a fabulous character in a Joan Collins on Dynasty sort of way. Veronica flatters the twins’ clothing some more, and then mentions she’ll be lunching at the Unicorner later -she was invited by Lila. Apparently the two of them live near each other, because they’re rich. Veronica is always asking the Unicorns over to her house, giving them food (made by her housekeeper) and letting them her pool. Veronica is already in training for her later career as society wife. Predictably, Janet Howell thinks she is “Unicorn material”. Elizabeth considers her “superficial and sneaky”, terms which could both be applied to Jessica. Jessica assumes she’s still bitter about the Todd-stealing, which, yeah, (I’m very protective of Elizabeth and Todd) but she argues it doesn’t matter because Elizabeth and Todd are back together, Jessica is friends with Aaron again and now Veronica is happy with Bruce Patman. Yes, Bruce Patman. This is a girl who chooses him. What kind of a monster is she?
Do you think Bruce picks her up for dates on his Italian racing bike, complete with vanity licence plate 1bruce1?
Lila shows off her new “Watchman” at lunch. Disappointingly, it’s nothing to do with Alan Moore, but rather a watch with a tv on it. Sounds totally lame, because either the screen is the size of a postage stamp, or it’s a gigantic watch which covers most of her forearm like something out of a scifi film. Jessica admires it, and jokingly asks to borrow it. Lila isn’t playing along; it’s VERY EXPENSIVE and Jessica isn’t reliable. Lila claims Jessica never returned her raspberry-banana lipgloss, but actually that was Ellen. And she left it at her aunt’s house in Newport Beach (potential OC crossover?). Or it went in the washing machine with her jeans. Either way, it tasted “like banana barf”. You’re not supposed to eat it, Ellen. Ellen was the kid who ate paste in infant school. Anyway, the point is Ellen is forgetful. So forgetful, she’s surprised her mother let her wear these expensive silver earrings to school! Especially as they are her mother’s, and they were bought in Mexico. Because the hoops are heavy, she takes them off and puts them on the table. Big mistake. Jessica and Veronica admire them. Mandy points out a new batch of peanut-butter cookies have just gone on sale, and the Unicorns rush to buy them. Being dim, Ellen leaves the earrings on the table. Guess what happens here? Jessica and Veronica are the last to return to the table, after some cafeteria related humour. Ellen’s earrings are gone! Veronica suggests somebody stole them, but who would so a thing like that? Jessica reassures Ellen that they’ll turn it, Ellen is worried about her mum’s reaction and Mandy is shocked that people would do such a thing. Next time, keep the earrings on your head.
As usual, Boosters practice goes terribly. The basketball team are waiting for the Booster to finish, whilst the basketball team girlfriends watch on the bleachers. Among the girlfriends is Veronica, watching Bruce. I always hated the watch-your-boyfriend-play-sports part of relationships. Especially when the girl’s friends were roped into coming too. Janet is annoyed people are here whilst they’re learning a routine. They practice the routine one more time and crash into each other. Charlie Cashman (who is apparently on the basketball team): “Maybe you guys should change your name to the Black and Blue-sters!” Ugh.
Jessica asks to borrow Janet’s hairbrush, but Janet can’t find it in her bag. She’s very upset, because it has natural bristles and she has a sensitive scalp. Lila’s copy of Teenage magazine here too. But which is the real tragedy? Jessica is disappointed because she didn’t get to hear about Jake Sommer’s engagement. By the way, Jake Sommers was a character in California Dreams, a cheerful rip-off of Saved By The Bell by the beach, with a band. Is this intentional? Probably not. But it amuses me. Veronica sidles up to the group and asks what’s happening. She immediately makes the connection with Ellen’s earrings, although that’s on a slightly different level of importance. Jessica suggests people are merely losing their stuff like she does. Nobody buys it.
The following Monday in the girls’ bathroom, Ellen talks about the Sweet Valley Swiper. Ugh. You know what would be better? A Sweet Valley Sniper. You’re next, Ellen! Her mother is making her pay for the earrings out of her allowance. Seems a little fruitless, seeing as that money comes from her parents, but ok. Veronica says if Ellen ever finds out who took them, she should make their life miserable. The culprit could be closer than we think… Lila suggests thinking about what was happening when the items were stolen, for clues.
Mandy takes off her “wide brimmed felt hat” to brush her hair. By the way, at this point they still haven’t grasped that the thief is a girl, despite the stolen items being earrings, a hairbrush and a magazine. And they totally shouldn’t count the magazine. Jessica admires Mandy’s hat and tries it on. Mandy got it from “Granny’s Attic”, the thrift shop in town. Mandy shops in thrift shops, because she is poor. Jessica puts the hat by the window, as Veronica tells Mandy she has great taste. But wait - didn’t Veronica say that to Jessica last week? Is it possible for two people standing next to each other to both have great taste?
The Unicorns leave the bathroom. Veronica hangs back and says she’ll steal, sorry, see them in class. The Unicorns talk about how great Veronica is, and how she should totally be a member of the Unicorns. Mandy suddenly remembers her hat! She runs back to get it, but it’s gone, gone, gone. Elizabeth is in the bathroom - she hasn’t seen anything because she just got in, and the bathroom was packed. Elizabeth is on the case. Yes, it’s another Elizabeth and her Amanda Howard mysteries storyline. Sigh.
Jessica and Mandy walk off, and spot Veronica at the water fountain. They ask if she’s seen the hat. Veronica is shocked! The thefts are continuing! Mandy’s head feel naked without her hat, and she has a big ridge in her hair. Veronica produces a black velvet baseball cap from her bag. When I first read this, that seemed like the best hat in the world. Now, who the hell has a velvet baseball cap? It’s too big for her, so Mandy can keep it. Anyway, now they’ve come to the conclusion that the thief is a girl. Well done team.
The twins walk home. Elizabeth has been thinking about the mystery all day, oh isn’t it exciting? I wish the ghost writer didn’t have to establish that Elizabeth solves mysteries like she’s done so many times before. Elizabeth nostalgically talks about the Snoopers club, which I think was a Sweet Valley Kids spin-off series. That’s some nice cross-media promotion, Francine! Jessica does not have fond memories of it. Elizabeth is hurt, because the Snoopers Club is one of her favourite memories, available for the low low price of £1.99. Also, Elizabeth still wants her missing sweater.
Post-volleyball locker room. Jessica whines about Lila spiking the ball too hard. She had to get a bandage from Ms Langberg for her blistered hand. Poor dear. Suddenly they hear a scream - it’s Mandy! Her jean jacket has been stolen! Would you actually scream about such a thing? Aren’t you more likely to think that you’ve mis-placed it, search around and have a slow realisation? Just earlier that morning, Jessica had been telling Mandy how much she liked the embroidery on it. Sensing a pattern yet? Mandy had unlocked her locker and gone to the bathroom. Well, at least the Unicorns are learning an important lesson about safety and paranoia. Veronica joins them and talks about how awful it is. Well who told you what was missing, Veronica? Also, Ellen’s deodorant is missing. I’m sure a lot of people will be upset about that. Oh, by the way, Jessica likes to borrow that too. Oh noes!
Elizabeth puts on her thinking cap. So far, only Unicorns have had things stolen. Mandy says they should tell the principal, which they totally should have done when Ellen’s expensive earrings got stolen. Surely her mum would have made a big stink at the school? Veronica thinks it isn’t a good idea because he can’t do anything. Except punish the perpetrator once they’ve been caught. So they just don’t! Jessica jokes that she’s available to babysit Lila’s watchman, a really stupid thing to say if Jessica had any self-awareness whatsoever. It’s like she doesn’t even know the title of the book!
Later that afternoon, Veronica is slumped against the wall. She’s been swipped! Specifically, her favourite notebook with a picture of Jake Sommers on it. I really hope it is the Jake Sommers I’m thinking of, because it’ll be a moody picture of him in his leather jacket with a guitar. So dreamy! Elizabeth asks her for details of when she last had it (Last night Elizabeth went to the mall and bought a pocket reporter’s notebook. It didn’t happen on the page, but it did happen. She’s named it the Snoopers Notebook. In glitter.) She just realised it was missing, when she went to put it in her locker. She last saw it in Mr Siegel’s class, when Jessica was admiring it. Jessica was telling her it would become a collector’s item now that Jake was engaged. Maybe. If Jake was Elvis. And he was dead. Lila and Ellen are told - Lila announces that it is no longer Unicorns having stuff stolen. Yes, because Veronica is not a Unicorn. She is nearly almost one. Remember that for later. Bruce shows up, being Veronica’s boyfriend and all. She tells him what happened, he’s cheerfully indifferent to her pain. He describes the missing items as “just girl stuff”. Bruce will only care once MAN STUFF is taken. He’ll care once the 1bruce1 vanity plate on his bike is taken. Then he’ll be kicking up a stink in the principal’s office. Which, by the way, is exactly what Veronica wants to do, now that something of hers has been taken. Clearly things have stepped up a gear now. Jewellery and clothing goes missing, no big deal. A notebook goes, and sweet merciful Jesus! Elizabeth points this out, and her suspicions are raised. But Veronica, what do you need Jake Sommers for when you’ve got Bruce? Really, he actually says this.
They see Prinicipal Clark in the lobby, and run after him. He tells them to give a list of missing stuff to the secretary, and he’ll tell the teachers and make an announcement tomorrow. Ellen wants the police and FBI brought in. Jessica: “I’m sure the FBI are going to drop everything to search for your missing deodorant.” They get Principal Clark to use the term “swiper”. Ugh.
Spurred on by an inspiring chat with Steven, Elizabeth is writing down a list of everything stolen so far. I hope she’s making good use of her snoopers notebook. And really Elizabeth, you should know this already. Mr Clark made an announcement that morning, and everyone is acting strangely. Leslie Forsythe, she of the cripplingly shy acting, is guarding Winston’s sandwich whilst he gets milk. So far, Randy Mason has not allowed her to guard his sandwich. Keep trying, Leslie! (Winston’s sandwich? Tuna and guacamole on rye. Ew.) Elizabeth and Amy reminisce about the Snoopers. Elizabeth suggests getting the band back together. Why? It’ll only consist of you and Amy, and there was no need to get them back together when you solved the charm school mystery, or accidentally foiled a kidnapping and so many other things I can’t remember. This is such a plug for Sweet Valley Kids I feel tainted. Tainted, I say!
Tuesday homeroom. Lila is using her Watchman in class - Jake Sommers is on Good Morning America talking about his fiancé. Stupidly, Lila shows it to Jessica who is all “I want! Gimme gimme gimme!” Mr Davis finds out and confiscates the Watchman, putting it in his desk. At the end of class Jessica goes to leave. And guess what, Lila’s Watchman is missing. Ok, this theft is totally non-sensical. The others, fine. There was opportunity (of the ones we SAW, hint hint). But this one, it was in the teacher’s desk the entire time, and then Lila got it straight away. Madness! Mr Davis can only assume that someone took it when his back was turned. That’s some nice guarding there. Lila is pissed, and blames Jessica for getting it confiscated, rather than herself for using it in class, and even bringing it to school when she knew there were thefts going on. As ever, Veronica swoops in to feast on other’s misery.
Later that day Lila runs down the hall, almost knocking over Elizabeth and Amy. She is ON THE WARPATH. She has a little bit of paper in her hand. She reaches Jessica at her locker and goes mental. She accuses Jessica of stealing her Watchman in class, and then finds it in Jessica’s locker! Mrs Arnette enters the scene and finds out what’s going on. It’s off to the principal’s office for Jessica. After a long talk, she has to open her locker for Mr Clark. And I have to say, if I were Jessica I would be pooing myself about now. If the Watchman was in her locker, what about anything else? Nothing else is there. Thank god.
At home Jessica calls the Unicorns to see how much damage has been done to her reputation. Verdict: Mandy, Mary and Belinda are undecided (all secondary unicorns, I note). Everyone else hates her. Also, in the course of her ringing everyone, Elizabeth went upstairs to wear her blue sweatshirt and can’t find it, so she jumps to the conclusion that Jessica stole it just like she stole everything else, that dirty dirty thief. Jeez. It’s probably just in her room somewhere.
Elizabeth finally twigs that all the items are things Jessica has admired. But doesn’t realise Jessica is being framed as she SO OBVIOUSLY IS. Baby steps, I suppose. Things are rough for Jessica. Her friends don’t believe her, her own sister doesn’t believe her, and Lila mentioned over the phone that they’re going to make Veronica a unicorn being there will be a vacancy soon. HMM DO YOU THINK THAT IS RELEVANT?
Elizabeth decides that actually, Jessica is innocent. Reason: her Amanda Howard mysteries. If a crime is too easy to solve, then it’s the wrong person. Er, that works only in fiction. If the police come across a scene where it appears a husband killed his wife, he probably killed his wife. It’s unlikely that a band of identity thieves broke into her house trying to find her bank details and were caught in the act, leading to a gruesome death. Anyway, she’s investigating. Amy comes over for a super snoopers meeting. Can’t they call themselves the crime club or something less cutesy? The Philip Marlowe Appreciation Society?
Jessica tries to help them go over things, but she’s a little too emotionally involved. Elizabeth paces. Fact: all the items were taken in public places. So the thief has to blend in. So she’s a school-aged girl. Narrows things down. Fact: All the items were taken from Unicorns, except for Veronica’s notebook and she’s almost a Unicorn. Fact: only one thing has been found, and that was in Jessica’s locker. All signs point to… Jessica. Wait, that wasn’t supposed to happen! Jessica says she’ll have to go to reform school and they’ll make her wear a uniform and take away her lip gloss. Perspective, Jessica. Please. Elizabeth notes that Jessica has no motive, aside from liking the items. And she finally remembers that Lila had a note with her when she accused Jessica. Finally, some actual detective work!
Amy calls Lila. There was a note stuck to her locker saying if she wanted to find her Watchman she needed to check Jessica’s locker. The note was typed and unsigned. Lila decided not to mention this to the principal because… it would get in the way of her righteous anger? Oh, and she threw it in a bin. Because it wasn’t important at all. So tomorrow, Elizabeth and Amy are rummaging through the school trash.
They do this, and find nothing. In fact, they do this for four pages. What was the point of including that? Jessica sits with Elizabeth and Amy at lunch. Ellen comes over and demands payment for her earrings - the amount they cost, plus $10 for pain and suffering. Later in life Ellen will make her living through frivolous lawsuits. But lunch isn’t all bad - Aaron Dallas comes over and says he doesn’t believe she did it, and would she like to have lunch with him today? Yay!
Jessica asks her dad what the punishment for theft is. He inquires why, because the school didn’t ring her parents or even give her a letter to send home when she was accused of stealing a seriously expensive piece of equipment. The Sweet Valley education system is seriously incompetent.
Jessica goes to the mall with Elizabeth and Amy. She says they’re not Unicorns, but they’ll do. Elizabeth won’t let the (ugh) swiper case go. They see the Unicorns at the mall, with Veronica. Suddenly Elizabeth has the answer!
Can you tell what it is yet?
In true Sweet Valley style, it involves an elaborate plan where the twins switch places. Rather than merely telling the truth. Anyway, Jessica is faking sick using the old heating pad/ thermometer on the light bulb routine. Elizabeth will be going to school as Jessica, wearing a purple miniskirt and matching top. She has lip gloss and gum to annoy Mr Davis in homeroom. She’s all set. Jessica reminds Elizabeth to take out her barrette, because as anyone who has seen the SVH covers knows, Elizabeth loves her barrettes. She must have an entire box of them, filled with barrettes to match each outfit. Jessica hams it up when her mum comes in. Mrs Wakefield isn’t buying it one bit, especially when the thermometer reads 107 degrees. But she decides to be a lovely mother anyway, realising that Jessica doesn’t want to go to school. But she says Jessica has to stay in bed all day.
Elizabeth meets Amy in the girl’s bathroom, to implement phase two. Elizabeth steps into the cubicle as Elizabeth, and comes out as Jessica! I won’t make the Clark Kent/ Superman comparison, because Amy already did it. Lila goes into the bathroom whilst Elizabeth is changing, and Amy makes “oh hey LILA” noises. When Jessica comes out of the bathroom Lila is all “I’m not sharing my air with a criminal.” The one girl who was in the bathroom throughout the switch says she swore Elizabeth was wearing a blue minidress a moment ago. What, you’ve never seen someone get changed in a toilet cubicle before?
Elizabeth goes to homeroom, successfully imitates Jessica with gum, etc. She claims Elizabeth has flu.
Finally, phase three. Elizabeth tracks down Veronica, and acts super-cheerful, because hey, Mandy still likes her! In fact, the only way Mandy would be upset was if her rhinestone heart pin were to be stolen. Yes, that’s the rhinestone heart pin. And doesn’t that sound like a piece of tat right there? For all Mandy’s thrift store aesthetic, sometimes things can get a bit out of hand.
After lunch Elizabeth goes to her locker (it’s unclear if the “her” is Elizabeth or Jessica’s locker), only for Mandy to run after her, waving a piece of paper. Lila follows, and has this lovely comment: “It was rotten enough for you to steal my Watchman. But Mandy’s pin, Jessica? I mean, I’m rich, I can replace the stuff you stole. But Mandy’s poor-“ So understanding of her. Anyway, the paper Mandy has says Jessica stole the pin, so she wants to check out her locker. Elizabeth reveals that she is not Jessica! They are unbelieving. Surprisingly, Elizabeth is flummoxed - “Somehow she hadn’t bargained on this response. She’d just assumed that Mandy and Lila would believe her.” That’s… ridiculously stupid of her. Poirot would never do this! The little grey cells, they would be ticking over always. Amy vouches for her and Elizabeth tells them to call home and see. So Mandy does. Mrs Wakefield confirms Jessica is home, and gets her to come to the phone. To confirm this, Mandy does a quiz. She asks Elizabeth (the one with her there) who Jake Sommer’s fiancée is. She doesn’t know. They ask Jessica on the phone. The answer is Shelby, apparently. To check, they get Jessica on the phone to spell thief. Shockingly, and I mean truly shockingly, because Jessica is thirteen years old, she spells it T H E I F. Maybe if her English class spent more time on spelling tests and less making films, she’d be able to spell correctly. Mandy asks for Jessica’s locker combination to check the note’s accusation. (32-3-16, fact fans!) The pin is in the locker. The plot thickens. Or DOES IT?
Elizabeth explains her conversation with Veronica about the pin. Veronica has been trying to oust Jessica from the Unicorns so she could take her place! If I were Veronica I wouldn’t oust Jessica. I’d oust Ellen. How hard could it be? I don’t think the other Unicorns even like her that much. Possibly I’m just projecting. Veronica comes down the hallway. Amy runs to get Principal Clark, which is apparently phase five of the plan. What if he were in a meeting? I don’t think that’s a very good phase to have. Luckily Mandy has told no one about losing her pin just yet, because otherwise the rest of the plan would have crumbled. Elizabeth tells Mandy to be mad at her when Veronica walks up. Everyone’s all “how could you! You’re my friend!” etc, when Veronica appears. She chimes in “You know how much that pin meant to Mandy.” Mandy asks her “what pin?” The twins chose Mandy well for this. If this had been a lesser Unicorn, all would be lost. They ask how she knew it was gone. Veronica hastily says Janet told her, despite Janet not knowing. Oh, Veronica. Your web of lies has collapsed and you don’t even know why. Mandy denies having lost her pin, and Veronica is all “You did so!” It’s wonderful, really it is. And the final bullet, uttered by Elizabeth: “How would you know, Veronica? Unless you stole it yourself.” Poirot, he is proud of you. Elizabeth reveals herself as Elizabeth, and Veronica falls back to “I’d like to see you try to prove [my evil machinations].” And who should respond but Principal Clark! He’s going to prove it, by looking in Veronica’s locker. And yes, all the swag is there. To think, she could have gotten away with it if she hadn’t forgotten to clean out her locker.
Elizabeth calls Jessica to tell her the good news. She tells her mum, who says “Let’s celebrate with chocolate chip cookies.” And let’s forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!
All the Unicorns come over, to apologise to Jessica. With balloons and everything! Also, ice cream. Also, we find out that Veronica knew Jessica’s locker combination because she once borrowed her maths book, which has her locker combination written in the front. Let’s hope Jessica learns an important lesson about security. Also, Veronica has been suspended. Not expelled? Oh well. I suppose she’ll never be mentioned again. Which is a shame, as I think her versus Lila would be a bitchfest never to be rivalled.
Finally, Jessica found Elizabeth’s missing sweater and sweatshirt. They had fallen down the back of her dresser. Speaking of sartorial disasters, Jessica asks to borrow Elizabeth’s white jeans. Don’t do it!
B Plot
The twins come home from school to find Steven concentrating hard with friend Joe Howell. They are doing tests from MEGA, the Mentally Gifted Association. Elizabeth is sceptical that Steven will be intelligent enough to join. Joe found the advert in the back of a magazine, and they have a bet about who is smarter. Joe will mail off the tests on the way home.
The next week, Steven and Joe speed past the twins on their bike. Their MEGA scores have arrived. Joe is humiliated, because his score is merely average. Steven opens his letter - and here’s the text in full:
Dear Sir,
We are very pleased to inform you of your acceptance into the exclusive MEGA organization. You scored in the 99.99th percentile, which places you in the category of a genius Intelligence Quoshent.
Yes, that mistake is supposed to be there. How strange, that an IQ organization would spell something like that incorrectly…
Joe dismisses it as a clerical error. No one can believe Steven is a genius; he brings home good but not excellent grades. Jessica points out that the test is computer-marked, and so unlikely to have made a mistake, in the exception of any sitcom which has a smart child/dumb child dichotomy going on. Steven says the test changes everything: “This means I have all kinds of untapped mental power I never even dreamed of.” Also, earlier Jessica said if he was a genius, she’d never tease him again.
Steven is late for dinner. The twins tell their dad about the test - he is unconvinced. Steven enters the room wearing Jessica’s old glasses and carrying a large book. He refers to Jessica as “dear sibling”. His reasoning? “I was just striving to attain a countenance that reflects my newfound intellectual capacity.” Translation: smart people wear glasses. Although points for a nice use of countenance. Steven says he’s tapping into his potential, which is why he’s carrying one of his dad’s law books around with him. After dinner, he’d like a chat about torts. No, not tortes. Steven adds “When you have an IQ like mine, you absorb information like a sponge.”
Joe is looking for Steven when the twins arrive home. He’s been acting “weird” at school. Steven is playing opera in his room, which Joe describes as “a wolf howling at the top of his lungs.” They go into his room - as well as the opera, Steven is playing chess by himself, running around to the other end of the board, sitting in the chair, thinking, moving, and running back to the other chair. Repeat as necessary. Steven greats them with “Hello, mes amis” (He’s listening to Wagner, by the way). Joe asks him to play basketball with him. Steven: “Don’t be silly, Joe. Competitive sports are just a mindless display of the baser animal instincts.” Steven must have forgotten about the time he took out Jill Hale. He adds: “Calculating the trajectory of a spheroid object through space no longer interests me.” That means he doesn’t want to play basketball anymore. But Steven, don’t you want to be like Todd? Todd plays basketball AND gets good grades. Isn’t he amazing?
Steven learnt to play chess last night -he read the rules for five minutes and a genius was born.
Jessica barges in on Elizabeth doing her homework. She demands they do something about Steven, but Elizabeth is more concerned about when Abraham Lincoln was shot. Jessica wants Steven to have an operation to make him less intelligent. Merely suggesting that implies Jessica has already had it. Steven walked past Jessica’s room talking in German. It probably wasn’t German, just gibberish. Jessica wouldn’t know German if an exchange student came and slept in her brother’s room for two weeks.
Elizabeth has been making notes about the Swiper case. She has no clue. Steven barges into the room with his magnificent brain and tells her she needs to find a motive. Elizabeth, reader of all the Amanda Howard mysteries and cracker of several real-life ones, has not considered this. I am working with chimps here. As Steven says, “the rest will follow, as night follows day.” You know what’s fun? Saying all Steven’s intellectual dialogue in a Stephen Fry voice. Try it. Steven gives Elizabeth the answer for her homework, telling her Lincoln was shot one day, but died the next. He’s such a genius! But he won’t give Jessica any more answers. “You’ve got to learn to work to your own potential. Even if it is limited.” Ha!
Steven watches a public television documentary on mating habits of porcupines.
Jessica and Steven watch Q And A, a quiz show where the answers are in the form of questions, which is in no way based on Jeopardy. Steven has gotten every question right so far. Examples of the Sweet Valley school system in action: What is the Southern most state of the US? Jessica answers Florida. Amy answers Texas or California. Everyone is amazed when Steven says Hawaii. Wow.
Also, Steven suggests Jessica is a kleptomaniac. And then defines that for them. Steven’s genius IQ has basically given him the education of a normal teenager.
Steven lectures Joe on geological periods. His favourite is the Cenozoic period.
Steven makes Joe watch Porcupine Love -The Untold Story.
After being proved innocent, Jessica cuts a deal with her mother - she watches tv, then helps clean the house. Jessica watches Days of Turmoil (an especially harrowing episode for Jake Sommers fans, who got jilted at the altar) and then helps her mother clean the house.
Jessica vacuums in Steven’s room. She picks a CD off the floor - Wagner’s Greatest Hits. I like the idea of Wagner having Greatest Hits, like Johnny Buck. But what’s this? Steven got it from the library?! That dingy place that Elizabeth likes? Didn’t Steven say he bought the CD? Doing some more vacuuming, she finds a crumpled piece of paper which has the answers from Q&A! Steven’s a big cheater!
Steven comes home from school. Jessica has been waiting for him. Steven suggests watching something educational on television together. Jessica suggests something on tape - something Steven taped! Jessica plays the tape of Q&A. Steven plays innocent, suggesting he taped it by accident. No no - Now Jessica, she is the Poirot. He played the show and pretended it was new, placing black tape over the play light. This black tape, under the cushion! And why? So he could pretend he was a genius. Because general knowledge = genius. Other things Jessica found in his room - a copy of Chess for Idiots and a copy of volume 12 of the encyclopaedia. The page on Abraham Lincoln is marked, and the date he was assassinated underlined. What a moron. Why would you need to underline it? Why would you need to mark the page? Why would you keep the book in your room once you were done? How would you know your sister is studying Abraham Lincoln? Finally, she produces the list of Q&A answers. Steven claims he’s psychic. Steven, you’re not psychic, and neither are your sisters. Give it up.
Steven admits he was playing a practical joke on Joe. It was Joe’s idea to do the IQ tests, and Steven realised MEGA was ridiculously made up, so he decided to turn the tables. Apparently Joe was going to make Steven a genius and then mock when he remained average, or something. Rubbish joke. Steven’s was better. So he started to act the ridiculously stereotyped part. He decided to involve Elizabeth and Jessica just for a laugh. But Steven’s getting quite tired of it. Apparently it involved reading the dictionary a lot.
Joe comes over. The Unicorns are there too, after apologising to Jessica. Janet explains to Jessica that Joe was playing a trick on Steven. Jessica acts shocked and appalled. Steven talks about how much his life has opened up since the test “I’ve discovered there’s a whole wide world out there, waiting for me to explore it: a world of torts and opera and porcupines!” Steven announces he’s going to quit school. Maybe apply early admissions to Harvard. Joe gives Steven a piece of paper. It’s from MEGA. It seems Steven’s test score was confused with someone else’s. It is Steven Wokefield who is a genius. Steven admits that he knows, they all have a big laugh etc.
In today’s book we’ve learnt an important lesson about lying. Lying isn’t a good idea, whether it be to frame someone you dislike for something pretty petty, like membership to a club, which you were going to get anyway because everyone loved you so it was rather unnecessary really, or lying to a friend to make him look like a fool. Lies begat lies, and mean there have to be convoluted explanation scenes at the end of things. Try to avoid lying whenever possible, except when it’s funny or you think you can get away with it.
So take care of yourself, and each other.
Also, how many pieces of blue clothing do the twins have? The blue sweater and sweatshirt, the turquoise minidress, the blue dress Elizabeth has in another book, and I’m sure there is more. Must they always be dressed in the colour of the Pacific ocean?