SVH No. 122: A Kiss Before Dying, part two
When last we left our warring SV heroes, Liz has joined forces with the ridiculous Rosie Shaw of Palisades High. And now, read on...
We begin the second half with a slightly odd scene, time-of-day wise - it's "evening", and Liz is already lying in bed, but she can't sleep, so she "tosse[s] off the covers", slips on her "green maillot swimsuit, and heads out to the pool, where Jess is drifting around on an inflatable raft. There's no indication that Jess is up late because she can't sleep either. What time of day is this? Does Liz go to bed at, like, eight o'clock? Anyway, she swims herself into a state of tiredness and feels much better. When she gets out of the pool Jess starts going on about herself and Christian and their great love, babbling so nonsensically that even Liz says "that doesn't make sense", to which Jess (who, now I come to think of it, seems kind of stoned) giggles and says "it's hard to make sense of anything right now". She goes on to say how great it is to finally be able to discuss Christian's charms with Liz, and how glad she is to have told someone. And then, we get this slice of awesomeness: "Elizabeth yawned. She tried to listen with some degree of interest, but Jessica had been going on and on about how gorgeous, witty, smart, talented, awesome, wonderful and marvelous Christian Gorman was ever since she got home." Bwahaha! Even the ghostwriter is bored by Jess and Christian!
Anyway, Liz's yawn isn't enough to deter Jess, who can't be prevented from enthusing about Christian's skills as a surfing instructor. She says she can't wait to beat Rosie Shaw, who is apparently her greatest potential rival in the surfing competition. Liz is about to tell Jess that she met Rosie that afternoon, but when Jess goes on about how Rosie taunted her about being a crap surfer (I suppose this must have happened in the first book, which I haven't read) Liz decides to keep her mouth shut for the moment. Jess briefly expresses concern about Ken, and remarks how lucky it is that noone at PH knows about the forbidden love - "Christian says if anyone there [finds out], things will definitely explode. As long as they don't know, there's hope that we can end the war". Liz "gulps" and wonders if she was right to tell Jess's big secret to a complete stranger, but only for a moment, because she remembers Rosie's "sweet, concerned" expression and decides she can trust her after all. Then the phone rings (seriously, what time of day or night is this?) and of course it's Rosie. She wants to meet Liz at noon tomorrow at a restaurant near PH. Liz agrees and hangs up, and when Jess asks who the caller was, guilty Liz says it was her PH pal Caitlin and leaps into the water to hide her shame. Liz, Liz, Liz.
It's the next day, and Todd is looking for Elizabeth - his court hearing is that afternoon, and "the stone wall between him and Elizabeth was more than he could stand". Well, you kind of put it there, Toddster, ignoring her in public and all. There's no sign of Liz, so Todd lurks around until he sees her approach wearing "a black pair of those clingy, stretchy, legging things, which showed off her gorgeous legs, and a long, soft pink sweater". Ah, the late '80s. Although of course you could get away with the leggings again. But I think I last wore leggings with a big baggy jumper in about 1989, when I was 14. "A feeling of tenderness" comes over Todd, and he swoons over the fact that Liz "moved with natural elegance". Because "natural elegance" is what most 16 year old boys value most in a girl.
He emerges from his lurking corner and says hi - at first, Liz ignores him, but then she snarks that she didn't think Todd was interested in talking to abackstabber. Todd apologises quite nicely and sincerely, and Liz softens and says she was just worried something awful would happen at the warehouse. Todd gives a big speech about how scared he is about the courtcase, and how his academic and sporting future (which seem to be one and the same thing because he's hoping to get a basketball scholarship) are in danger, and how he really needs Liz. Liz embraces him and all seems well until Todd whispers that now she must see how important it is to get back at the PH goons - "we can't let them get away with what they've done to us". Without a word, Liz leaves. Todd sorrowfully watches her go, "realising for the hundreth time that women just didn't understand what it was like to be a guy", and I've got to say that the depiction of boys in this book is really fucking stupid - not every boy is a macho, school-spirit-loving fighter, although of course anyone wasn't wouldn't last long in SVH, unless they could wrest the crown of lovable class clown from Winston. Everyone in this school is obsessed with sports nd school spirit. Even the supposedly edgy boys in the Droids will play at any school dance or function for the glory of SVH. Seriously, the whole school-spirit thing creeps me out. Oh, for a Heathers/SVH crossover!
Liz is bunking off school for her meeting with Rosie, and I can't believe she so readily agreed to meet up in the middle of the day. Not only is she skipping school, but she's missing a "unit exam in science and a mock trial in history". Mock trials! Man, their history classes sound a lot more exciting than mine were. We just talked about the origins of the first world war or Parnell holding the balance of power between the Tories and the Liberals in various general elections in the 1870s. It would have been a lot more interesting if mock trials were involved. But Liz is sure that meeting Rosie is worth this sacrifice, especially after hearing that Todd is still all gung-ho. She heads off, hoping it's not too late to warn Rosie not to tell anyone about Jess and Christian. She follows the directions Rosie gave her, and finds herself on a deserted road, which makes her wonder if she's fallen into a PH trap. Surely not! After all, Liz's snap judgement finally decided Rosie was trustworthy.
But suddenly she finds the restaurant, which is actually a diner and basically a decrepit shack. Liz rushes inside and finds Rosie sitting in a booth, so she immediately cries "have you told anyone about Jessica and Christian?" Rosie understandably finds this a peculiar way to start a conversation, and says that no, she hasn't spread the word about California's most tedious couple, ambiguously adding, in typical cartoon villain style, that "I don't think we have to worry about those two. We'll take good care of them". Rosie says she has to leave early because she can't miss her next class, and poor Liz winces, thinking of the academic treats she'll be missing herself. Rosie asks what Todd has planned for tonight and Liz shrugs. She tells Rosie about the SVH ladies' Lysistrata plan and when Rosie asks how she came up with the idea, Liz actually says that she DID get it from Lysistrata - "Aristophanes wrote it as a comedy, but so far no one at SVH is laughing". He also wrote it to include enormous fake penises, but I doubt we'll see them in SVH either. I think that's a good thing.
Anyway, Rosie loves the plan, which Liz could easily have told her about when they last met, and reveals her own plan: she and Liz will go together to each gang and tell them the other one wants peace. "If both sides believe the other one gave up first, all of the guys will be able to walk away with their pride intact". Liz is amazed at the "simple brilliance" of this supposedly foolproof scheme, even though it seems pretty obvious that if the two schools happen to bump into each other, as they seem to do all the time, then the truth could easily come out. Rosie asks if Liz can find where the SV guys are meeting tonight, and Liz "enthusiastically" says that she can "sweet-talk" Todd into revealing the goons' plans, adding that this will mean "an end to the madness". Rosie grins, and, ever the cartoon villain, says "that's right Elizabeth. An end to the madness. Mwahahahahah!" Actually, she doesn't do that evil laugh, but frankly, she might as well have. She says that she can handle the Palisades guys. I bet she can.
Todd's on his way to the courthouse, and the "fear of losing his freedom consumed him". Yet again, he decides that the war isn't worth it and that Elizabeth was "right all along". Seriously, how many people in this book have had these ephiphanies about the futility of war? They never last long. Sorry, Todd, can't take this one seriously. Poor violent Todd wishes that Elizabeth was with him - "she made the tough times bearable". Ah yes, the tough times. Like when you were punching someone repeatedly in the face as a policeman ordered you to stop. Those were the days! Todd arrives at the courthouse, a fancy, "polished" building that nevertheless, to the paranoid Todd, looks "like a haunted castle of unspeakable horror". Good Lord. Todd vows that if the judge goes easy on him, he'll first beg Bruce and the others to stop fighting, and then beg Elizabeth to forgive him.
Jessica meets Christian at the beach and YET ANOTHER tedious love scene ensues. JUST DIE ALREADY, FOR F*CK'S SAKE! Then Christian insists on giving her her surfing lesson. He tells Jess to "quit your bellyachin', darlin', and listen to your coach", and shows her how to deal with a wipeout without getting whacked on the head. The surfing lesson goes on for what seems like a million years but is in fact about five pages. At one stage Jess and Christian both say they get nervous just before a wave hits and "Jessica laughed. Of course he would know exactly how he felt. He was her soul mate, after all" and first of all, feeling nervous before a huge wave crashes towards you is not exactly a rare phenomenon and second of all, I'm getting married in five months to someone I've known for twelve years and I still don't expect us to always feel exactly the same way about everything. In fact, it would be creepy if we did. But Jess and Christian have been going out for what, a month, and they're already psychically in tune? Madness!
Anyway. Jess survives the wipeout and they have a Moment (yet another one) in which they realise that their "commitment to each other was solid now and it would last forever". There is much foreshadowing when Christian says that whatever happens, they'll always be together forever. "Forever" says Jessica, and what with this and Rosie, this part of the book is full of people repeating another character's words in an ominous fashion.
Hurrah, Todd is in the dock!! The judge is an elderly woman who looks like "a kind, grandmotherly type". But Todd discovers that, despite her kindly appearance, "she had the heart of a wicked witch". This is because she passes a stiff sentence on a man who stole gas from a gas station. We're not told how stiff this sentence was, but from Todd's reaction one can only assume it was about 30 years in prison because he is shocked at her "lack of compassion". Todd is terrified as he imagines the judge sentencing him to life behind bars, which indicates that yeah, she did sentence the last bloke to a long stretch. He imagines life in prison "surrounded by stern faces" (Todd, stern faces would be the least of your worries if you were jailed). Todd imagines life in the Hole, where he would be fed greasy broth through a hole in the steel door (I'm not making this up) and would go for months without seeing another human being. Todd, in general I am no admirer of the American justice system, but you're not going to be sentenced to life in solitary for punching someone in the face. Oh, and vandalism, and striking an officer, and battery, and trespassing, and breaking and entering, as we discover as Todd's long charge sheet is read to the court. God, Todd, you really are a thug! His mind "screams" that there must be a mistake - "only a truly bad - or deranged - person would do these terrible things". And this is basically the same realisation he had in jail, but then he started punching people in a blind rage. Sadly, or happily, this doesn't happen here. The judge sentences the terrified Toddster to 30 hours community service, and frankly I think he got off pretty lightly after all those crimes. Todd is hugely relieved, and vows yet again to end the war.
And we can assume he also keeps his vow to beg Liz for mercy, as we cut to her talking to Rosie on the phone. She's already talked to Todd, who has told her that the SV gang are meeting at Bruce's gaff that evening. Rosie is, yet again, totally suspicious as she asks for loads of details about Bruce's abode. Innocent Liz reminds her that they're heading there together and Rosie "chuckle[s]" and says she just wants to figure out how long their travels will take. Hmmm.
Rosie asks if the Patman mansion has guard dogs and naive Liz tells her she doesn't have to worry, she's known the Patmans for years and "they'll let me in, trust me". And Rosie says "okay" before pausing and adding "trust is a great thing between friends, isn't it?" and if I was organising an undercover mission, there is no way I'd send Rosie on it because she is incapable of hiding her evil intentions. Elizabeth looks around at her boudoir which for once is totally messy - a sign that her life is falling apart! Poor Liz. Rosie suggests they meet at the dodgy diner again but Liz says that might be problematic because Jess has the car and Liz doesn't know when she'll be home. Liz suggests meeting at her house - and frankly that makes much more sense if they're going to Bruce's house than meeting in some random creepy diner in the middle of nowhere. But Rosie "blurts out" "NO!" and then calms down and says that they should go to the PH guys first, and they might miss them if they're coming all the way from Sweet Valley.
Anyway, Liz says she doesn't know when Jess will be home and Rosie weirdly and creepily says she's sure Jess will be home early because Christian will want her to get her beauty sleep. The hell? Liz feels "uneasy" and her unease quickly "turn[s] to dread" but Rosie tells her not to worry. That's enough for Liz, who suddenly has "a good feeling about this" and is convinced that Rosie's plan will work. "Oh yes," says Rosie. "My plan is going to work very, very nicely". OH MY GOD, ROSIE, YOU ARE THE WORST DOUBLE AGENT EVER! Rosie hangs up and her last words "echo in [Liz's] mind". A "vague thought" is "hovering out of reach" in Liz's busy mind but she can't grasp it. I'll tell you what it is, Liz: you can't trust Rosie! Enid rings, which distracts Liz from her wonderings, and Liz tells her about the scheme. Enid is appalled and says that she doesn't think Rosie is trustworthy. Of course this is not because Rosie keeps saying ridiculously ominous things and asking suspicious questions, but because "there's something about the way she looks at a person". Liz says she thought the same thing until "I got to know her" (whereupon she kept saying ridiculously ominous things and asking suspicious questions), and Enid concedes that Liz might be right. But, sensibly, she says that she'll come with them on this mission.
Jess is back on the beach, gazing at Christian. She hilariously thinks that "even the way he moves is a study in beauty and form". Who the hell even thinks stuff like that? Christian has somehow got a message that he has to meet his friends, and Jess feels "a warning of danger...in her gut" but agrees to meet Christian at the beach at midnight. Before he goes he gives Jess his girly coral necklace and says "always remember, Jessica, I'll love you forever". Ah, foreshadowing, what would we do without you?
Todd on the move! He's on his way to Bruce's place, mentally practicing his epic "peace speech". He fears his "grand words were going to fall on deaf ears". But he's glad that Liz called him that evening - oh my God, so he didn't call her after all! Jesus, Todd is so awful. Anyway, he arrives at the Patman mansion to be greeted by Ken, and when he tells Ken that he was sentenced to community service, newly Psycho!Ken says that "eliminating those Palisades creeps would be a great community service". Todd, who seems to have turned into a normal human being, is slightly freaked out as Ken goes into a big speech about how great it will be to beat up all the PH gang. He ends his tirade by saying "I wish Christian Gorman were dead!" Again, be careful what you wish for, Ken! Todd worries that he'll be taken for a wimp when he voices his new pacifist views.
Now comes one of the book's most dramatic scenes. Liz and Enid arrive at the diner, but Enid still doesn't trust Rosie. They enter to discover a "rougher crowd" than were there at Liz's last visit, a crowd who apparently look "like bikers who had lived through tough times". And you know they're so much scarier than the bikers who've had it easy. Everyone's in leather and "steel chains", and the biker ladies are, shockingly "decked out the same as the men, with the addition of heavy makeup and teasted hair". Lawks! A scary bloke with a big scar on his face preposterously cries out "fresh meat!" at the sight of our innocent heroines, and his girlfriend slaps him across the face. Oh, God, the cheese.
Anyway, Enid is understandably unimpressed by Rosie's choice of venue but Liz continues to defend her new chum. Then they are harrassed by a biker "covered in gruesome tattoos" who asks if they want to buy his boat. The hell? What sort of a crazyass biker sells boats? Oh, why do I expect any of this to be convincing in any way? I don't know. The boat-seller's biker ladyfriend, who has a shaved head, a rose tattooed on her chin (?) and is wearing red leather halter top calls him off. I love how anyone who isn't a totally conventional preppie in the SV books is always depicted as being ridiculously OTT and really scary. I mean, not that I'd want to hang around in a biker bar full of boat-flogging loons, but I was a little indie teenager when the SVH books came out (well, the later ones, I was about eight when the series began) and I can't think of a single non-preppie character, with the dubious exception of Olivia (and the rockin' Droids) who isn't shown as being crazy.
Anyway. Liz tells Enid about how Marla rudely rejected Rosie's poem and how Rosie is such a sweet sensitive poet. Enid says that she's surprised that Marla, who they both know and like, would be so callous and insensitive, but Liz says you can't always predict how someone you know and like will behave - "who would have thought Todd could be so violent?" Um, only those who've read all the previous books in which his punching skills has featured prominently! Anyway, Enid says she still doesn't trust Rosie and that some people "don't deserve to be trusted". Liz asks if she is thinking about her experiences in Paradise Spa, as documented in what is, without a doubt, the funniest SVH book ever, which I regret missing the chance to recap. We get a hilariously understated summary of that unforgettable tome - "the [spa] owner was a woman who hated Mrs Wakefield and had been carrying a vendetta against her for decades. She'd also managed to isolate Enid from the group and nearly convinced her to stay on as an emotionally dependent slave". Yeah, and she also wanted to perform plastic surgery on Enid to make her scarily beautiful, as she had done to all the homeless kids she'd recruited through ads at homeless shelters, and then transformed so they could never go home again and had to stay at the spa as her slaves. AND her big plan was to STEAL ALICE WAKEFIELD'S FACE AND SWAP IT WITH HER OWN!!! Man, that never stops being funny.
Anyway, Enid reacts in similarly understated fashion, merely saying "Yeah, that's right" with a "wry expression" on her face. I'd be a bit more than wry at the memory of a woman who nearly hypnotised me into becoming her minion but I suppose Sweet Valley residents are more used to drama. Liz says Enid can't compare Rosie to evil Mrs Mueller, but Enid's not convinced. As she pulls out a copy of the PH paper from the bag (why on earth....? Oh, yeah, plot contrivance) she wonders where the hell Rosie has got to, and so does Liz, so, because we're back in those far off mobile phoneless days, she heads out to a payphone. But Rosie's line is busy so she returns to find Enid looking at an article the PH girls did about Sweet Valley back in the first book, which I haven't read. Enid says the piece is great, and points out the inevitable profile of Saint Liz, which says that our heroine has "beauty, brains, and a heart as big as the Pacific Ocean". Don't they mean "eyes the same colour as the Pacific Ocean?"
Anyway, the piece goes on to detail all Liz's interests and creative pursuits - and it mentions her love of Christina Rossetti! Liz instantly realises that Rosie was faking and that she herself has "made a big mistake". Well, yeah. Liz rushes out to ring Marla and asks her what she said when she rejected Rosie's piece for the PH paper. Of course, Rosie never wrote a piece. No! She was faking about her homage to her Danish grandmother! Oh, Rosie. Now panicking, Liz rings Rosie's house to be told she's gone out "with her boyfriend". Elizabeth now realises the truth - "she'd been tricked! She felt like such a fool." Well, she kind of is. She remembers that Rosie knows the SVH guys are meeting at Bruce's tonight. A biker hassles her to get off the phone and her panic "turn[s] to fury" and she basically snarls at him. Wow, maybe this is a revival of the whole werewolf saga. That would make this book even more insane.
Sadly, Liz doesn't transform into a beast. Instead, she rings Jess and tells her what's happened. Jess is understandably enraged. Liz tells her that Rosie knows about her and Christian and Jess "screamed hysterically". Steady on, Jess. I mean, I know something bad is going to happen, but you don't know that yet! Liz and Enid head off to pick up Jess, and poor Liz is wracked with guilt. I kind of feel sorry for her.
Meanwhile, back at the Patman mansion, Bruce is holding court. Apparently the gang have been hanging out in the Patman's rec room for hours, hatching revenge plot. Cowardly Todd hasn't made his "peace speech" yet - he's been "waiting for the right moment". Bruce reveals his plan to steal Greg McMullen's range rover and push it off the pier at Big Mesa, having tied Greg the dock: "then, as we watch it sink to the bottom of the ocean, we will party [their hilarious italics, not mine]". Bruce ridiculously assumes that because PH and Big Mesa have a match the next day, everyone will think Big Mesa did it.
Winston, who is apparently braver than Todd, says that this isn't fair to the Big Mesa team but Bruce says that with star player McMullen out of the way, Big Mesa will win. Todd watches, "shaking his head" in sorrow but not, you know, actually doing or saying anything. But then, finally, he speaks. He talks about having to go to court and how he's not going back to the Big House. Or at least, he's not going to get involved in more violent madness. For a moment it looks like he might be winning them round but suddenly the sound of whooping and hollering fill the air - the SVH boys are under siege! They rush outside but there's no one to be seen until Rosie steps out menacingly from behind a tree onto the floodlit lawn and says that Liz told her the boys would be there.
Todd is convinced that the PH goons have kidnapped Liz, but Rosie mockingly tells him, in traditional villain "I'm so happy with my evil plan!" style, that she tricked innocent Liz, who is probably still waiting at the diner, convinced that Rosie also wants peace. She taunts Todd with a laugh that sounds like a "shrill witch's cackle". Oh, man. YET AGAIN Todd is consumed by a "blood chilling anger". Jesus, Todd, find a therapist! The realisation that Liz has "betrayed" him for the zillionth time hits him "like a sledgehammer across the face". Bloody hell, Todd, give us a break. Rosie wonders whether Liz will be won over by Palisades guys "just like her sister" and, to the surprise of no one, Todd "lurched forward" in traditional punching mode, but then, wonder of wonders, he stops! Yes, Todd is learning to control his rage.
In fact, he's determined to do so - but then the Palisades guys burst out of the bushes, their faces adorned with warpaint. This is freaking ridiculous. They just run around the Patman estate whooping, like the fools they are. The SVH boys just wait to see what'll happen next. The cries are now "sounding closer, signifying the end of the Palisades war dance". They start advancing towards our "heroes", looking "hideous and evil in the unnatural glow of the outdoor lighting". Seriously, if anyone of these freakish losers get killed, it'll be natural selection in action. Todd realises they have "reached the point of no return". And Greg McMullen is wearing knuckle dusters! Who's got the numchucks?
Jess is waiting for Liz to pick her up. She's imagining loads of crazy scenarios, like the PH boys concocting a bomb which will kill Christian as he tries to defuse it, or the PH boys kidnapping a SVH boy and Christian offering to die in his place. Actually, that's not much madder than them doing a ridiculous "war dance" in Bruce's front garden. Then Liz arrives, still kind of hysterical. Jess is actually kind of decent when she tells Liz it wasn't her fault, even though actually it kind of was. They head off, but Jess's "gut was screaming disaster, disaster, disaster!" Mine was doing that last night, but I think that's because I ate too much Camembert and lovely French bread from the farmer's market. Mmmm, cheese.
Back at Bruce's gaff, Greg McMullen is taunting the SV boys in a sinister fashion. I bet him and Rosie spend all their time together practicing their sinister taunting skills. Speaking of Rosie, she's "made herself right at home", lolling in one of the Patmans' patio chairs. The PH do a bit of taunting themselves and then lo, who is this driving up in a slightly dodgy looking van? It's Christian! Ken challenges him to a fight, but Christian, who is positively Jesus-esque in this scene (the name is a bit of a giveaway) turns the other cheek and says the two sides have to make peace, chastising the PH crew for sending him an anonymous note threatening Jess. Both PH and SVH turn on him at the mention of Jessica's name, but it's not because she's a scary sociopath and even the sound of her name fills them with fear. Christian stands his ground and, his voice "trembling with emotion", he says that he and Jessica love each other and that the fighting has to stop. Todd looks on ruefully, thinking that hatred of Jess and Christian seems to be one thing the two sides agree on.
Jess, Liz and Enid arrive, relieved when the see the gangs standing around talking. They think they're making peace. Oh dear. Suddenly a huge fight breaks out, and our heroines scream in horror as Rosie looks on, smirking evilly as usual. Greg McMullen attacks Ken, and Saint Christian tries to save him - but oh noes! Greg knocks him off and then another PH guy shoves him so he falls into the pool, hitting his head on the side as he tumbles into the deep end! Jess leaps in to save him, and she nearly drowns too as she attempts to drag the unconscious Christian to the surface. But then she's filled with "an almost magical second wind" and gets him out. Liz and Jess try CPR on Christian while the guys, who have stopped fighting, gather round. Jess tries to revive him by telling him he promised her a sandcastle. Huh? Anyway, it's no use.
What happens next is actually all kind of awful. Christian's taken off in an ambulance with Jess by his side but the paramedic tells Liz that there's no hope. The PH and SVH guys come together, giving each other lifts to the hospital. OH THE IRONY! They reach the hospital and Ken feels really guilty about repeatedly wishing Christian were dead. A doctor comes out, and in rare moment of continuity, it's Dr Morales, the doctor who treated Liz after her mind-alterting motorbike accident! Well, they say that it's the same doctor, I don't have the book here so I can't check if it's the same name. Also, if I remember that book correctly, he didn't do a very good job looking after his patient's mental health. Anyway, he tells them that Christian is no more, and poor Jess screams and falls to the ground. Everyone is crying - Rosie is "weeping on Winston's shoulder" and Winston is either more noble or more wussy than I am to let her anywhere near him. Greg McMullen is weeping too. Todd realises the bleeding obvious - that it has taken a death to "end the war". Todd and Liz declare their love to each other as Todd goes to give a statement to the police and Liz takes the weeping Jess home.
Later that night, Todd turns up at the split level ranch house. He weeps in Liz's arms and apologises for his foolishness, although he's done that so many times already I don't know how reliable his apologies are. Anyway, it turns out that the boy who shoved Christian in the pool is being charged with manslaughter but the SVH boys aren't celebrating - they've all finally "come to their senses". About bloody time.
Todd leaves with more declarations of love and Liz goes out to Jess, who is kind of catatonic. Liz wishes there were something she could do to help, but knows there isn't.
It's now two weeks later, and Jess, understandably, is still a bit shattered by what happened. Well, she's only sixteen and she's buried two boyfriends. I find it a bit bizarre that she doesn't remember the last time this happened and wonder what the hell she's done to deserve all this (I can think of a few things. Too harsh? Sorry!). Anyway, poor Jess has spent the last few weeks just lying in bed, feeling terrible. She's been sent the confirmation of her entry into the surfing competition, but she doesn't care. Nothing matters anymore. Everyone's trying to cheer her up but she just wants to be left alone. Aww. Seriously, I do feel sorry for her.
But now she has a visitor - it's Christian's mom! Jess's inertia starts to "melt off like a thin shell of ice". She quickly showers and makes herself up and soon "a decent facsimile of the old Jessica" enters the sitting room. Liz leaves Jess and Dr Gorman alone and there's a genuinely convincing scene in which both feel awkward and unsure of what to say. Dr Gorman shares some stories about Christian as a kid and Jess feels awful that she'll never get to know more about him. Dr Gorman is paged and has to go back to the hospital but before she goes she tells Jess how happy Christian was in his last weeks, all because of her, and gives her Christian's surfboard - "I think [he] would have wanted you to have it".
It's the day of the surf competition, and Jess is entering after all, for Christian's sake. She's still kind of numb and doesn't care that all of SVH and indeed PH are there to watch, although there's a sweet moment when Lila kind of awkwardly indicates her support and affection for Jess by reminding her of their bet that started the whole surfing thing. Lila tells Jess to "beat her, anyway", indicating the shameless Rosie Shaw, who is glowering at Jess, and seriously, after everything that happened, you'd think that Rosie could at least refrain from giving the bereaved girl the stinkeye. But no. The contest begins, and Rosie and Jess are in the same group. Rosie taunts Jess as they head out to the waves - what the fuck is wrong with her? She's even more of a sociopath than Jess herself! Jess and Rosie both get into the semifinals, and when Jess overhears Rosie dissing her, she storms up and, in old school Jessica style, stands up to Rosie (who proves her cartoon villain status as she taunts Jess some more by telling her to go "back to [her] pom poms, cheerleader!" Jess vows vengeance. Or at least victory.
Alas, Rosie surfs well, and now it's Jess's turn. She nearly wipes out, but then remembers Christian's advice and OF COURSE she can hear his voice in her ear and is filled with a "deep calm", then "a surge of joy" before riding into shore "with astonishing skill". Liz is really proud of her, and in ANOTHER moment of continuity, remembers her own surfing days. Jess has won! Everyone rushes to congratulate and "to Jessica's surprise, Rosie came over and stoically shook her hand". Maybe she's not so evil after all! As TV cameras roll, Jess is presented with her trophy and "for the first time since Christian hit his head, she felt like a real human being - sort of". Well, better than nothing. She knows that Christian's memory will "always be there to help her in the future", presumably including her attempts to ensnare photographers just a few books later. Anyway, Jess looks at the camera and says "I won this for Christian Gorman - the bravest man I ever knew" And then the last line is "As the crowd cheered, the sun broke through the clouds." Which is actually rather a nice ending to an insane book.
We begin the second half with a slightly odd scene, time-of-day wise - it's "evening", and Liz is already lying in bed, but she can't sleep, so she "tosse[s] off the covers", slips on her "green maillot swimsuit, and heads out to the pool, where Jess is drifting around on an inflatable raft. There's no indication that Jess is up late because she can't sleep either. What time of day is this? Does Liz go to bed at, like, eight o'clock? Anyway, she swims herself into a state of tiredness and feels much better. When she gets out of the pool Jess starts going on about herself and Christian and their great love, babbling so nonsensically that even Liz says "that doesn't make sense", to which Jess (who, now I come to think of it, seems kind of stoned) giggles and says "it's hard to make sense of anything right now". She goes on to say how great it is to finally be able to discuss Christian's charms with Liz, and how glad she is to have told someone. And then, we get this slice of awesomeness: "Elizabeth yawned. She tried to listen with some degree of interest, but Jessica had been going on and on about how gorgeous, witty, smart, talented, awesome, wonderful and marvelous Christian Gorman was ever since she got home." Bwahaha! Even the ghostwriter is bored by Jess and Christian!
Anyway, Liz's yawn isn't enough to deter Jess, who can't be prevented from enthusing about Christian's skills as a surfing instructor. She says she can't wait to beat Rosie Shaw, who is apparently her greatest potential rival in the surfing competition. Liz is about to tell Jess that she met Rosie that afternoon, but when Jess goes on about how Rosie taunted her about being a crap surfer (I suppose this must have happened in the first book, which I haven't read) Liz decides to keep her mouth shut for the moment. Jess briefly expresses concern about Ken, and remarks how lucky it is that noone at PH knows about the forbidden love - "Christian says if anyone there [finds out], things will definitely explode. As long as they don't know, there's hope that we can end the war". Liz "gulps" and wonders if she was right to tell Jess's big secret to a complete stranger, but only for a moment, because she remembers Rosie's "sweet, concerned" expression and decides she can trust her after all. Then the phone rings (seriously, what time of day or night is this?) and of course it's Rosie. She wants to meet Liz at noon tomorrow at a restaurant near PH. Liz agrees and hangs up, and when Jess asks who the caller was, guilty Liz says it was her PH pal Caitlin and leaps into the water to hide her shame. Liz, Liz, Liz.
It's the next day, and Todd is looking for Elizabeth - his court hearing is that afternoon, and "the stone wall between him and Elizabeth was more than he could stand". Well, you kind of put it there, Toddster, ignoring her in public and all. There's no sign of Liz, so Todd lurks around until he sees her approach wearing "a black pair of those clingy, stretchy, legging things, which showed off her gorgeous legs, and a long, soft pink sweater". Ah, the late '80s. Although of course you could get away with the leggings again. But I think I last wore leggings with a big baggy jumper in about 1989, when I was 14. "A feeling of tenderness" comes over Todd, and he swoons over the fact that Liz "moved with natural elegance". Because "natural elegance" is what most 16 year old boys value most in a girl.
He emerges from his lurking corner and says hi - at first, Liz ignores him, but then she snarks that she didn't think Todd was interested in talking to abackstabber. Todd apologises quite nicely and sincerely, and Liz softens and says she was just worried something awful would happen at the warehouse. Todd gives a big speech about how scared he is about the courtcase, and how his academic and sporting future (which seem to be one and the same thing because he's hoping to get a basketball scholarship) are in danger, and how he really needs Liz. Liz embraces him and all seems well until Todd whispers that now she must see how important it is to get back at the PH goons - "we can't let them get away with what they've done to us". Without a word, Liz leaves. Todd sorrowfully watches her go, "realising for the hundreth time that women just didn't understand what it was like to be a guy", and I've got to say that the depiction of boys in this book is really fucking stupid - not every boy is a macho, school-spirit-loving fighter, although of course anyone wasn't wouldn't last long in SVH, unless they could wrest the crown of lovable class clown from Winston. Everyone in this school is obsessed with sports nd school spirit. Even the supposedly edgy boys in the Droids will play at any school dance or function for the glory of SVH. Seriously, the whole school-spirit thing creeps me out. Oh, for a Heathers/SVH crossover!
Liz is bunking off school for her meeting with Rosie, and I can't believe she so readily agreed to meet up in the middle of the day. Not only is she skipping school, but she's missing a "unit exam in science and a mock trial in history". Mock trials! Man, their history classes sound a lot more exciting than mine were. We just talked about the origins of the first world war or Parnell holding the balance of power between the Tories and the Liberals in various general elections in the 1870s. It would have been a lot more interesting if mock trials were involved. But Liz is sure that meeting Rosie is worth this sacrifice, especially after hearing that Todd is still all gung-ho. She heads off, hoping it's not too late to warn Rosie not to tell anyone about Jess and Christian. She follows the directions Rosie gave her, and finds herself on a deserted road, which makes her wonder if she's fallen into a PH trap. Surely not! After all, Liz's snap judgement finally decided Rosie was trustworthy.
But suddenly she finds the restaurant, which is actually a diner and basically a decrepit shack. Liz rushes inside and finds Rosie sitting in a booth, so she immediately cries "have you told anyone about Jessica and Christian?" Rosie understandably finds this a peculiar way to start a conversation, and says that no, she hasn't spread the word about California's most tedious couple, ambiguously adding, in typical cartoon villain style, that "I don't think we have to worry about those two. We'll take good care of them". Rosie says she has to leave early because she can't miss her next class, and poor Liz winces, thinking of the academic treats she'll be missing herself. Rosie asks what Todd has planned for tonight and Liz shrugs. She tells Rosie about the SVH ladies' Lysistrata plan and when Rosie asks how she came up with the idea, Liz actually says that she DID get it from Lysistrata - "Aristophanes wrote it as a comedy, but so far no one at SVH is laughing". He also wrote it to include enormous fake penises, but I doubt we'll see them in SVH either. I think that's a good thing.
Anyway, Rosie loves the plan, which Liz could easily have told her about when they last met, and reveals her own plan: she and Liz will go together to each gang and tell them the other one wants peace. "If both sides believe the other one gave up first, all of the guys will be able to walk away with their pride intact". Liz is amazed at the "simple brilliance" of this supposedly foolproof scheme, even though it seems pretty obvious that if the two schools happen to bump into each other, as they seem to do all the time, then the truth could easily come out. Rosie asks if Liz can find where the SV guys are meeting tonight, and Liz "enthusiastically" says that she can "sweet-talk" Todd into revealing the goons' plans, adding that this will mean "an end to the madness". Rosie grins, and, ever the cartoon villain, says "that's right Elizabeth. An end to the madness. Mwahahahahah!" Actually, she doesn't do that evil laugh, but frankly, she might as well have. She says that she can handle the Palisades guys. I bet she can.
Todd's on his way to the courthouse, and the "fear of losing his freedom consumed him". Yet again, he decides that the war isn't worth it and that Elizabeth was "right all along". Seriously, how many people in this book have had these ephiphanies about the futility of war? They never last long. Sorry, Todd, can't take this one seriously. Poor violent Todd wishes that Elizabeth was with him - "she made the tough times bearable". Ah yes, the tough times. Like when you were punching someone repeatedly in the face as a policeman ordered you to stop. Those were the days! Todd arrives at the courthouse, a fancy, "polished" building that nevertheless, to the paranoid Todd, looks "like a haunted castle of unspeakable horror". Good Lord. Todd vows that if the judge goes easy on him, he'll first beg Bruce and the others to stop fighting, and then beg Elizabeth to forgive him.
Jessica meets Christian at the beach and YET ANOTHER tedious love scene ensues. JUST DIE ALREADY, FOR F*CK'S SAKE! Then Christian insists on giving her her surfing lesson. He tells Jess to "quit your bellyachin', darlin', and listen to your coach", and shows her how to deal with a wipeout without getting whacked on the head. The surfing lesson goes on for what seems like a million years but is in fact about five pages. At one stage Jess and Christian both say they get nervous just before a wave hits and "Jessica laughed. Of course he would know exactly how he felt. He was her soul mate, after all" and first of all, feeling nervous before a huge wave crashes towards you is not exactly a rare phenomenon and second of all, I'm getting married in five months to someone I've known for twelve years and I still don't expect us to always feel exactly the same way about everything. In fact, it would be creepy if we did. But Jess and Christian have been going out for what, a month, and they're already psychically in tune? Madness!
Anyway. Jess survives the wipeout and they have a Moment (yet another one) in which they realise that their "commitment to each other was solid now and it would last forever". There is much foreshadowing when Christian says that whatever happens, they'll always be together forever. "Forever" says Jessica, and what with this and Rosie, this part of the book is full of people repeating another character's words in an ominous fashion.
Hurrah, Todd is in the dock!! The judge is an elderly woman who looks like "a kind, grandmotherly type". But Todd discovers that, despite her kindly appearance, "she had the heart of a wicked witch". This is because she passes a stiff sentence on a man who stole gas from a gas station. We're not told how stiff this sentence was, but from Todd's reaction one can only assume it was about 30 years in prison because he is shocked at her "lack of compassion". Todd is terrified as he imagines the judge sentencing him to life behind bars, which indicates that yeah, she did sentence the last bloke to a long stretch. He imagines life in prison "surrounded by stern faces" (Todd, stern faces would be the least of your worries if you were jailed). Todd imagines life in the Hole, where he would be fed greasy broth through a hole in the steel door (I'm not making this up) and would go for months without seeing another human being. Todd, in general I am no admirer of the American justice system, but you're not going to be sentenced to life in solitary for punching someone in the face. Oh, and vandalism, and striking an officer, and battery, and trespassing, and breaking and entering, as we discover as Todd's long charge sheet is read to the court. God, Todd, you really are a thug! His mind "screams" that there must be a mistake - "only a truly bad - or deranged - person would do these terrible things". And this is basically the same realisation he had in jail, but then he started punching people in a blind rage. Sadly, or happily, this doesn't happen here. The judge sentences the terrified Toddster to 30 hours community service, and frankly I think he got off pretty lightly after all those crimes. Todd is hugely relieved, and vows yet again to end the war.
And we can assume he also keeps his vow to beg Liz for mercy, as we cut to her talking to Rosie on the phone. She's already talked to Todd, who has told her that the SV gang are meeting at Bruce's gaff that evening. Rosie is, yet again, totally suspicious as she asks for loads of details about Bruce's abode. Innocent Liz reminds her that they're heading there together and Rosie "chuckle[s]" and says she just wants to figure out how long their travels will take. Hmmm.
Rosie asks if the Patman mansion has guard dogs and naive Liz tells her she doesn't have to worry, she's known the Patmans for years and "they'll let me in, trust me". And Rosie says "okay" before pausing and adding "trust is a great thing between friends, isn't it?" and if I was organising an undercover mission, there is no way I'd send Rosie on it because she is incapable of hiding her evil intentions. Elizabeth looks around at her boudoir which for once is totally messy - a sign that her life is falling apart! Poor Liz. Rosie suggests they meet at the dodgy diner again but Liz says that might be problematic because Jess has the car and Liz doesn't know when she'll be home. Liz suggests meeting at her house - and frankly that makes much more sense if they're going to Bruce's house than meeting in some random creepy diner in the middle of nowhere. But Rosie "blurts out" "NO!" and then calms down and says that they should go to the PH guys first, and they might miss them if they're coming all the way from Sweet Valley.
Anyway, Liz says she doesn't know when Jess will be home and Rosie weirdly and creepily says she's sure Jess will be home early because Christian will want her to get her beauty sleep. The hell? Liz feels "uneasy" and her unease quickly "turn[s] to dread" but Rosie tells her not to worry. That's enough for Liz, who suddenly has "a good feeling about this" and is convinced that Rosie's plan will work. "Oh yes," says Rosie. "My plan is going to work very, very nicely". OH MY GOD, ROSIE, YOU ARE THE WORST DOUBLE AGENT EVER! Rosie hangs up and her last words "echo in [Liz's] mind". A "vague thought" is "hovering out of reach" in Liz's busy mind but she can't grasp it. I'll tell you what it is, Liz: you can't trust Rosie! Enid rings, which distracts Liz from her wonderings, and Liz tells her about the scheme. Enid is appalled and says that she doesn't think Rosie is trustworthy. Of course this is not because Rosie keeps saying ridiculously ominous things and asking suspicious questions, but because "there's something about the way she looks at a person". Liz says she thought the same thing until "I got to know her" (whereupon she kept saying ridiculously ominous things and asking suspicious questions), and Enid concedes that Liz might be right. But, sensibly, she says that she'll come with them on this mission.
Jess is back on the beach, gazing at Christian. She hilariously thinks that "even the way he moves is a study in beauty and form". Who the hell even thinks stuff like that? Christian has somehow got a message that he has to meet his friends, and Jess feels "a warning of danger...in her gut" but agrees to meet Christian at the beach at midnight. Before he goes he gives Jess his girly coral necklace and says "always remember, Jessica, I'll love you forever". Ah, foreshadowing, what would we do without you?
Todd on the move! He's on his way to Bruce's place, mentally practicing his epic "peace speech". He fears his "grand words were going to fall on deaf ears". But he's glad that Liz called him that evening - oh my God, so he didn't call her after all! Jesus, Todd is so awful. Anyway, he arrives at the Patman mansion to be greeted by Ken, and when he tells Ken that he was sentenced to community service, newly Psycho!Ken says that "eliminating those Palisades creeps would be a great community service". Todd, who seems to have turned into a normal human being, is slightly freaked out as Ken goes into a big speech about how great it will be to beat up all the PH gang. He ends his tirade by saying "I wish Christian Gorman were dead!" Again, be careful what you wish for, Ken! Todd worries that he'll be taken for a wimp when he voices his new pacifist views.
Now comes one of the book's most dramatic scenes. Liz and Enid arrive at the diner, but Enid still doesn't trust Rosie. They enter to discover a "rougher crowd" than were there at Liz's last visit, a crowd who apparently look "like bikers who had lived through tough times". And you know they're so much scarier than the bikers who've had it easy. Everyone's in leather and "steel chains", and the biker ladies are, shockingly "decked out the same as the men, with the addition of heavy makeup and teasted hair". Lawks! A scary bloke with a big scar on his face preposterously cries out "fresh meat!" at the sight of our innocent heroines, and his girlfriend slaps him across the face. Oh, God, the cheese.
Anyway, Enid is understandably unimpressed by Rosie's choice of venue but Liz continues to defend her new chum. Then they are harrassed by a biker "covered in gruesome tattoos" who asks if they want to buy his boat. The hell? What sort of a crazyass biker sells boats? Oh, why do I expect any of this to be convincing in any way? I don't know. The boat-seller's biker ladyfriend, who has a shaved head, a rose tattooed on her chin (?) and is wearing red leather halter top calls him off. I love how anyone who isn't a totally conventional preppie in the SV books is always depicted as being ridiculously OTT and really scary. I mean, not that I'd want to hang around in a biker bar full of boat-flogging loons, but I was a little indie teenager when the SVH books came out (well, the later ones, I was about eight when the series began) and I can't think of a single non-preppie character, with the dubious exception of Olivia (and the rockin' Droids) who isn't shown as being crazy.
Anyway. Liz tells Enid about how Marla rudely rejected Rosie's poem and how Rosie is such a sweet sensitive poet. Enid says that she's surprised that Marla, who they both know and like, would be so callous and insensitive, but Liz says you can't always predict how someone you know and like will behave - "who would have thought Todd could be so violent?" Um, only those who've read all the previous books in which his punching skills has featured prominently! Anyway, Enid says she still doesn't trust Rosie and that some people "don't deserve to be trusted". Liz asks if she is thinking about her experiences in Paradise Spa, as documented in what is, without a doubt, the funniest SVH book ever, which I regret missing the chance to recap. We get a hilariously understated summary of that unforgettable tome - "the [spa] owner was a woman who hated Mrs Wakefield and had been carrying a vendetta against her for decades. She'd also managed to isolate Enid from the group and nearly convinced her to stay on as an emotionally dependent slave". Yeah, and she also wanted to perform plastic surgery on Enid to make her scarily beautiful, as she had done to all the homeless kids she'd recruited through ads at homeless shelters, and then transformed so they could never go home again and had to stay at the spa as her slaves. AND her big plan was to STEAL ALICE WAKEFIELD'S FACE AND SWAP IT WITH HER OWN!!! Man, that never stops being funny.
Anyway, Enid reacts in similarly understated fashion, merely saying "Yeah, that's right" with a "wry expression" on her face. I'd be a bit more than wry at the memory of a woman who nearly hypnotised me into becoming her minion but I suppose Sweet Valley residents are more used to drama. Liz says Enid can't compare Rosie to evil Mrs Mueller, but Enid's not convinced. As she pulls out a copy of the PH paper from the bag (why on earth....? Oh, yeah, plot contrivance) she wonders where the hell Rosie has got to, and so does Liz, so, because we're back in those far off mobile phoneless days, she heads out to a payphone. But Rosie's line is busy so she returns to find Enid looking at an article the PH girls did about Sweet Valley back in the first book, which I haven't read. Enid says the piece is great, and points out the inevitable profile of Saint Liz, which says that our heroine has "beauty, brains, and a heart as big as the Pacific Ocean". Don't they mean "eyes the same colour as the Pacific Ocean?"
Anyway, the piece goes on to detail all Liz's interests and creative pursuits - and it mentions her love of Christina Rossetti! Liz instantly realises that Rosie was faking and that she herself has "made a big mistake". Well, yeah. Liz rushes out to ring Marla and asks her what she said when she rejected Rosie's piece for the PH paper. Of course, Rosie never wrote a piece. No! She was faking about her homage to her Danish grandmother! Oh, Rosie. Now panicking, Liz rings Rosie's house to be told she's gone out "with her boyfriend". Elizabeth now realises the truth - "she'd been tricked! She felt like such a fool." Well, she kind of is. She remembers that Rosie knows the SVH guys are meeting at Bruce's tonight. A biker hassles her to get off the phone and her panic "turn[s] to fury" and she basically snarls at him. Wow, maybe this is a revival of the whole werewolf saga. That would make this book even more insane.
Sadly, Liz doesn't transform into a beast. Instead, she rings Jess and tells her what's happened. Jess is understandably enraged. Liz tells her that Rosie knows about her and Christian and Jess "screamed hysterically". Steady on, Jess. I mean, I know something bad is going to happen, but you don't know that yet! Liz and Enid head off to pick up Jess, and poor Liz is wracked with guilt. I kind of feel sorry for her.
Meanwhile, back at the Patman mansion, Bruce is holding court. Apparently the gang have been hanging out in the Patman's rec room for hours, hatching revenge plot. Cowardly Todd hasn't made his "peace speech" yet - he's been "waiting for the right moment". Bruce reveals his plan to steal Greg McMullen's range rover and push it off the pier at Big Mesa, having tied Greg the dock: "then, as we watch it sink to the bottom of the ocean, we will party [their hilarious italics, not mine]". Bruce ridiculously assumes that because PH and Big Mesa have a match the next day, everyone will think Big Mesa did it.
Winston, who is apparently braver than Todd, says that this isn't fair to the Big Mesa team but Bruce says that with star player McMullen out of the way, Big Mesa will win. Todd watches, "shaking his head" in sorrow but not, you know, actually doing or saying anything. But then, finally, he speaks. He talks about having to go to court and how he's not going back to the Big House. Or at least, he's not going to get involved in more violent madness. For a moment it looks like he might be winning them round but suddenly the sound of whooping and hollering fill the air - the SVH boys are under siege! They rush outside but there's no one to be seen until Rosie steps out menacingly from behind a tree onto the floodlit lawn and says that Liz told her the boys would be there.
Todd is convinced that the PH goons have kidnapped Liz, but Rosie mockingly tells him, in traditional villain "I'm so happy with my evil plan!" style, that she tricked innocent Liz, who is probably still waiting at the diner, convinced that Rosie also wants peace. She taunts Todd with a laugh that sounds like a "shrill witch's cackle". Oh, man. YET AGAIN Todd is consumed by a "blood chilling anger". Jesus, Todd, find a therapist! The realisation that Liz has "betrayed" him for the zillionth time hits him "like a sledgehammer across the face". Bloody hell, Todd, give us a break. Rosie wonders whether Liz will be won over by Palisades guys "just like her sister" and, to the surprise of no one, Todd "lurched forward" in traditional punching mode, but then, wonder of wonders, he stops! Yes, Todd is learning to control his rage.
In fact, he's determined to do so - but then the Palisades guys burst out of the bushes, their faces adorned with warpaint. This is freaking ridiculous. They just run around the Patman estate whooping, like the fools they are. The SVH boys just wait to see what'll happen next. The cries are now "sounding closer, signifying the end of the Palisades war dance". They start advancing towards our "heroes", looking "hideous and evil in the unnatural glow of the outdoor lighting". Seriously, if anyone of these freakish losers get killed, it'll be natural selection in action. Todd realises they have "reached the point of no return". And Greg McMullen is wearing knuckle dusters! Who's got the numchucks?
Jess is waiting for Liz to pick her up. She's imagining loads of crazy scenarios, like the PH boys concocting a bomb which will kill Christian as he tries to defuse it, or the PH boys kidnapping a SVH boy and Christian offering to die in his place. Actually, that's not much madder than them doing a ridiculous "war dance" in Bruce's front garden. Then Liz arrives, still kind of hysterical. Jess is actually kind of decent when she tells Liz it wasn't her fault, even though actually it kind of was. They head off, but Jess's "gut was screaming disaster, disaster, disaster!" Mine was doing that last night, but I think that's because I ate too much Camembert and lovely French bread from the farmer's market. Mmmm, cheese.
Back at Bruce's gaff, Greg McMullen is taunting the SV boys in a sinister fashion. I bet him and Rosie spend all their time together practicing their sinister taunting skills. Speaking of Rosie, she's "made herself right at home", lolling in one of the Patmans' patio chairs. The PH do a bit of taunting themselves and then lo, who is this driving up in a slightly dodgy looking van? It's Christian! Ken challenges him to a fight, but Christian, who is positively Jesus-esque in this scene (the name is a bit of a giveaway) turns the other cheek and says the two sides have to make peace, chastising the PH crew for sending him an anonymous note threatening Jess. Both PH and SVH turn on him at the mention of Jessica's name, but it's not because she's a scary sociopath and even the sound of her name fills them with fear. Christian stands his ground and, his voice "trembling with emotion", he says that he and Jessica love each other and that the fighting has to stop. Todd looks on ruefully, thinking that hatred of Jess and Christian seems to be one thing the two sides agree on.
Jess, Liz and Enid arrive, relieved when the see the gangs standing around talking. They think they're making peace. Oh dear. Suddenly a huge fight breaks out, and our heroines scream in horror as Rosie looks on, smirking evilly as usual. Greg McMullen attacks Ken, and Saint Christian tries to save him - but oh noes! Greg knocks him off and then another PH guy shoves him so he falls into the pool, hitting his head on the side as he tumbles into the deep end! Jess leaps in to save him, and she nearly drowns too as she attempts to drag the unconscious Christian to the surface. But then she's filled with "an almost magical second wind" and gets him out. Liz and Jess try CPR on Christian while the guys, who have stopped fighting, gather round. Jess tries to revive him by telling him he promised her a sandcastle. Huh? Anyway, it's no use.
What happens next is actually all kind of awful. Christian's taken off in an ambulance with Jess by his side but the paramedic tells Liz that there's no hope. The PH and SVH guys come together, giving each other lifts to the hospital. OH THE IRONY! They reach the hospital and Ken feels really guilty about repeatedly wishing Christian were dead. A doctor comes out, and in rare moment of continuity, it's Dr Morales, the doctor who treated Liz after her mind-alterting motorbike accident! Well, they say that it's the same doctor, I don't have the book here so I can't check if it's the same name. Also, if I remember that book correctly, he didn't do a very good job looking after his patient's mental health. Anyway, he tells them that Christian is no more, and poor Jess screams and falls to the ground. Everyone is crying - Rosie is "weeping on Winston's shoulder" and Winston is either more noble or more wussy than I am to let her anywhere near him. Greg McMullen is weeping too. Todd realises the bleeding obvious - that it has taken a death to "end the war". Todd and Liz declare their love to each other as Todd goes to give a statement to the police and Liz takes the weeping Jess home.
Later that night, Todd turns up at the split level ranch house. He weeps in Liz's arms and apologises for his foolishness, although he's done that so many times already I don't know how reliable his apologies are. Anyway, it turns out that the boy who shoved Christian in the pool is being charged with manslaughter but the SVH boys aren't celebrating - they've all finally "come to their senses". About bloody time.
Todd leaves with more declarations of love and Liz goes out to Jess, who is kind of catatonic. Liz wishes there were something she could do to help, but knows there isn't.
It's now two weeks later, and Jess, understandably, is still a bit shattered by what happened. Well, she's only sixteen and she's buried two boyfriends. I find it a bit bizarre that she doesn't remember the last time this happened and wonder what the hell she's done to deserve all this (I can think of a few things. Too harsh? Sorry!). Anyway, poor Jess has spent the last few weeks just lying in bed, feeling terrible. She's been sent the confirmation of her entry into the surfing competition, but she doesn't care. Nothing matters anymore. Everyone's trying to cheer her up but she just wants to be left alone. Aww. Seriously, I do feel sorry for her.
But now she has a visitor - it's Christian's mom! Jess's inertia starts to "melt off like a thin shell of ice". She quickly showers and makes herself up and soon "a decent facsimile of the old Jessica" enters the sitting room. Liz leaves Jess and Dr Gorman alone and there's a genuinely convincing scene in which both feel awkward and unsure of what to say. Dr Gorman shares some stories about Christian as a kid and Jess feels awful that she'll never get to know more about him. Dr Gorman is paged and has to go back to the hospital but before she goes she tells Jess how happy Christian was in his last weeks, all because of her, and gives her Christian's surfboard - "I think [he] would have wanted you to have it".
It's the day of the surf competition, and Jess is entering after all, for Christian's sake. She's still kind of numb and doesn't care that all of SVH and indeed PH are there to watch, although there's a sweet moment when Lila kind of awkwardly indicates her support and affection for Jess by reminding her of their bet that started the whole surfing thing. Lila tells Jess to "beat her, anyway", indicating the shameless Rosie Shaw, who is glowering at Jess, and seriously, after everything that happened, you'd think that Rosie could at least refrain from giving the bereaved girl the stinkeye. But no. The contest begins, and Rosie and Jess are in the same group. Rosie taunts Jess as they head out to the waves - what the fuck is wrong with her? She's even more of a sociopath than Jess herself! Jess and Rosie both get into the semifinals, and when Jess overhears Rosie dissing her, she storms up and, in old school Jessica style, stands up to Rosie (who proves her cartoon villain status as she taunts Jess some more by telling her to go "back to [her] pom poms, cheerleader!" Jess vows vengeance. Or at least victory.
Alas, Rosie surfs well, and now it's Jess's turn. She nearly wipes out, but then remembers Christian's advice and OF COURSE she can hear his voice in her ear and is filled with a "deep calm", then "a surge of joy" before riding into shore "with astonishing skill". Liz is really proud of her, and in ANOTHER moment of continuity, remembers her own surfing days. Jess has won! Everyone rushes to congratulate and "to Jessica's surprise, Rosie came over and stoically shook her hand". Maybe she's not so evil after all! As TV cameras roll, Jess is presented with her trophy and "for the first time since Christian hit his head, she felt like a real human being - sort of". Well, better than nothing. She knows that Christian's memory will "always be there to help her in the future", presumably including her attempts to ensnare photographers just a few books later. Anyway, Jess looks at the camera and says "I won this for Christian Gorman - the bravest man I ever knew" And then the last line is "As the crowd cheered, the sun broke through the clouds." Which is actually rather a nice ending to an insane book.