Sweet Valley High # 109 Double-Crossed
We left off with Jessica breaking up Sue and Jeremy’s wedding and creating mass chaos in Sweet Valley. Jeremy looks like a gigolo on the cover. Jessica looks like no other picture of Jessica we have ever seen. She looks so average. Ew!
The morning after: Jessica wakes up at Lila’s house feeling sorta bad about ruining someone’s wedding. Lila comes in to half-comfort, half-mock her. Jessica’s bridesmaid dress has magically changed from peach to pink. Jessica is sad because her mother said she’s ashamed of her and she’s never said that before. Seriously? I find that hard to believe. She’s also sad because she might not get her allowance now. Her allowance? If you’re old enough to break up a wedding, Jess, you might be too old to get an allowance. Get a job, slacker-ass! Anyway Jeremy calls her and is like "Hey, no problem about that wedding thing. Wanna go out to dinner?" Yes, she does.
At the Wakefield house, Elizabeth barges in on Sue to open her blinds and force feed her breakfast. Sue is too upset to eat. Damn, Liz, she was left at the alter 12 hours ago. Can you give her a fucking day to chill? Freak.
That night, Jessica gets ready for her date when Elizabeth calls. Elizabeth asks Jessica if she’s sure she wants to be involved with a man-whore who would leave someone at the altar. Jess says he would never do that to her. Oh, Jess. I’ve got some land to show you in West Texas. Jessica wants to know if Sue is leaving soon, because she can’t stay at Lila’s forever. Liz tells her Sue’s staying until she’s back on her feet, and that the Wakefield parents have decided to send Jessica to boarding school if she continues to see Jeremy. Jessica’s like "Yeah right, that would ruin the whole series. I have to do my hair." Conversation over.
Lila goes out with Robby and asks him how Jeremy is. Apparently he’s confused. Lila tells Robby that if he ever breaks her heart she will "hunt him down like a dog." That’s our girl. Robby tells Lila that a local gallery wants to show his art. Lila is excited and wants her "Daddy’s lawyers" to look over the contract to make sure Robby doesn’t get screwed over. Robby doesn’t care about that. Lila thinks he will be fucked over and then everyone will know what a loser he is. Robby tells her not to worry her pretty little head about business matters, and to just find something pretty to wear to the opening. Lila thinks he’s being a sexist ass and she doesn’t like it.
Enid visits the Wakefield house to sit around the pool with Elizabeth and diss Jessica. Sue comes out and starts swimming laps in the pool. Elizabeth thinks she’s overdoing it. That’s her professional opinion anyway. Sue gets out and says she doesn’t know what she will do without Jeremy. She says that she guesses her mom was right about Jeremy all along. Elizabeth and Enid go," Huh?" and Sue tells them that her mom hated Jeremy so much she cut Sue out of her will for planning to marry him. Apparently, Sue’s mom was a Mealquick Frozen Dinner heiress. How glam. Anyway, Jeremy knew about Sue’s inheritance, but still wanted to marry her when he heard that Sue was cut out of the will. A real prince, that Jeremy.
The B storyline is so incredibly stupid. Winston gets a dumb skater-boy haircut and Todd grows a pornstache. Elizabeth, quite sensibly, is repulsed and doesn’t want Todd to touch her. So things are pretty much the same for them.
That night, Jessica takes the Triumph and meets Jeremy at the Beach house. She’s super excited to be dating a "man" and gets all hot and bothered when he orders a beer. Jeremy worries that Jessica might be too young for him, but he proposes to her anyway. Great, Jeremy. Jess can pay for the wedding with her allowance. Jessica loves him and the fancy ring he gives her. Jessica is unperturbed by the fact that 24 hours ago he was in the process of marrying someone else. Jessica tells Jeremy that she has to be back at Fowler Crest by ten. Her curfew, you know. So I guess they will have an afternoon wedding, then? Jeremy tells Jessica that his boss is sending him to Costa Rica for an assignment and that he will be away for a month. Could she please keep their engagement a secret until then? Jessica reluctantly agrees.
A week later Elizabeth meets Sue in the kitchen of Casa Wakefield and asks how she’s doing. Sue tells her that the pills her psychiatrist prescribed for her are making her groggy. Elizabeth worries that Sue isn’t eating even though she is taking long walks and bike rides in the afternoons. The doorbell rings. Alice comes into the kitchen looking shocked. She asks to talk to Sue alone and they go into the living-room. Liz eavesdrops at the living room door. I’m not surprised that Liz is eavesdropping, but I am surprised that the Wakefield’s have a living-room door. That’s weird. Anyway, Alice tells Sue that she just received a certified letter saying that if Sue married Jeremy, Alice would receive Sue’s inheritance. Didn’t Sue’s mom have any family? She never made another friend after college? She didn’t want to leave her husband (Sue’s stepfather) any money? Anyway, Alice tells Sue that if she stays away from Jeremy for two months, the money will revert back to her. Liz is intrigued.
Jessica drops Jeremy off at the airport and Jeremy insists that Jess not watch him get on the airplane. Well, that’s not at all suspicious. He tells her that he doesn’t know the phone number or address at his residence in Costa Rica, but he will call her when he gets there. Again, not at all suspicious.
Elizabeth goes out with Todd. She’s repulsed by the ‘stache.
It’s ten days later and Jessica and Lila are getting ready for school. Lila tells Jessica that she secretly signed Jeremy up for a business course at SVU. Jessica tells Lila that she and Jeremy are engaged.
Elizabeth is in Trig class. All of the girls are trying to learn and all of the boys are being obnoxious assholes. At lunch, Caroline Pierce asks Liz if she is going to be maid of honor at Jessica’s wedding. Elizabeth is upset by the news of Jessica’s engagement and Enid tries to comfort her. Todd eats a French-fry and says "wow." Moron.
At home that night, Liz is sad because she’s really missing Jess. Jessica calls and tells Liz that she won’t be getting married for another couple of years and that she will make Jeremy live wherever Elizabeth lives, even if Liz marries Todd. Like the Brady Brides. What a terrifying household. Jessica tells Elizabeth that she is coming home the next day, Sue or no Sue.
The next day at SVH, there is an assembly at which Chrome Dome announces that the school will be participating in a program called Go Math. Each grade will have two classes of boys only and girls only math classes. There will be co-ed classes as well. Elizabeth is outraged at the suggestion that the girls might do better if they didn’t have to deal with the asshole antics of the SVH males.
At the DB that afternoon, Robby shrieks at Lila because he received a statement of enrollment from SVU. He tells Lila that she’s not the boss of him. She disagrees.
Jessica goes back home and has dinner with her family and Sue. There’s no screaming or hair-pulling or anything (boo). Sue is very nice to Jessica. Jessica is nice to Sue. Jessica makes fun of Elizabeth for dating a guy with a pornstache. The whole gang laughs at Liz. Good times- until Jeremy’s name comes up. Alice and Ned think it would be best if Jessica didn’t see Jeremy for a while. Jessica drops the engagement bomb on them. Ned says that he’s making an appointment with the dean of admissions from the Milford Academy for Girls in Bellevue, Washington. Jessica says Jeremy will wait for her. Mr. Wakefield is like" Yeah, he’s so loyal and faithful." Snerk. Sue just sits there. Later, Liz tells Jess all about Sue’s inheritance. Elizabeth suggests that maybe Jeremy thinks that Alice has received Sue’s inheritance, making Liz and Jess heiresses.
Later that night, Jessica calls Jeremy and some random dude answers and says Jeremy isn’t there. Jeremy is never there when Jess calls! It’s almost like something suspicious is going on…
The next morning, the twins, Ned and Alice are having breakfast. Alice wonders where Sue is. Elizabeth (of course) goes to find out. She finds Sue sprawled across her bed, a note on her nightstand and a bottle of pills in her hand. Ned does CPR. Alice calls 911. The girls go to school. Can’t miss class, you know.
In their brand new all-girls math class, Enid wonders how many other suicide attempts Jessica will cause in her lifetime. Oh, she does not. But she is shocked. Elizabeth is shocked too - by the fact that her trig class goes much more smoothly when the boys aren’t farting and yelling and spit-balling their way through it.
Jessica tells Li about the suicide attempt in the bathroom at school and Lila replies by putting on some lip gloss. Jessica says that they pumped Sue’s stomach even though she didn’t take that many pills. In Lit class, Amy tells Jessica about the film she’s making for the video club. It’s a mood piece about Sweet Valley. Which mood would that be?
The next day at SVH, Jessica is all a twitter because Jeremy called her last night. Then Bruce walks by and calls Jessica a "home-wrecker." Jessica says there was no home to wreck. Bruce calls her the evil twin. I thought that was Margo? Don’t confuse me!
While the twins are in school, Sue goes outside to get the mail. She smiles when she sees a postcard for Jess with a Costa Rica postmark. She takes her own letter with a California postmark and goes up to her room to read it. Hmm…suspicious.
After school, Alice picks up Jessica and takes her downtown to Ned’s law office to meet Ms. Turner, the dean of admissions from the Milford School.
Jessica acts like it ain’t no thang.
That night, Jessica gets a call from Jeremy who tells her that he will be in Costa Rica for a few more weeks, but when he gets back he will take Jessica to a Halloween costume party at the Project Nature Cabin near LA. Jessica says that she wants Jeremy to hold her and Jeremy is all, "Mmmm, that would be nice." Before the hot freaky phone sex can begin Jessica blurts out "I had cheerleading practice today." Jeremy’s like, "That’s nice. I have to go."
The next afternoon at Casey’s, Jessica invites all her buds to the Halloween party. Amy asks Jess if she will be in her "mood film" and Jessica agrees. On their way to the beach, Jessica tells Amy that she has been accepted to Milford. She has? Why? Because of her impressive grades? Work experience? Volunteer projects? What kind of school is this? Amy and Jess go down to "the pier." Is there only one? Amy makes Jess wear old fashioned sunglasses and a gauzy scarf around her head. Oh, God. Student films suck.
Elizabeth now loves her all-girl math class. Loooooves it. The four extra o’s are Elizabeth’s by the way. All the girls have had grade improvements already. Yeah. Boys Suck! They ruin everything. At least the dicks at SVU do, with their stupid haircuts and annoying mustaches.
The same day, Sue gets a phone call while she’s eating by the Wakefield’s pool. She says that she is fine despite the stomach pumping, that it was a drag and that once was enough for her. She says that she will meet the mystery caller in their usual place and hangs up the phone. Mystery caller. It sure is a mystery! If you’re brain-dead. Or a Wakefield.
Later that week, Lila makes up with Robby and they lay on the couch, watching TV, gossiping about Jessica and Jeremy, and not having sex. Then Robby tells Li that he decided to go to that business class after all. Plus, he signed up for a drawing class too. Lila is thrilled… until Jeremy says the word "nudes." Robby tries to explain that it’s life-drawing class, but Lila’s having none of it. She kicks his ass out. No nudity in Sweet Valley!
On Sunday morning Elizabeth takes Sue out for brunch. Liz is glad to see Sue looking and sounding so much better. Sue tells her she has decided she’s looking forward to her inheritance after all and might travel to Europe. Liz wonders if international traveling is healthy for someone soon-to-be-dead of some nameless blood-disease. Sue tells Liz she has a confession to make. She isn’t really dying. She could see Jeremy slipping from her grasp and made up the story so that he would go through with the wedding. Liz is glad that Sue isn’t dying but also thinks that the fact that she would lie about something that big seems…suspicious.
At the mall, Lila moans over her fight with Robby then tells Jess that the fact that Jeremy is never ever home when Jess calls is highly suspicious. Ah, the word of the day.
The next day, Jessica goes to a screening of the video club’s first projects. Amy’s gets good reviews. Then they show Winston’s film about the best places to kiss in Sweet Valley. He shows Miller’s Point, Secca Lake, and the Sweet Valley Botanical Gardens. Then he shows Moon Beach, site of the wedding that never was. At the beach, Jessica sees a man who looks suspiciously like Jeremy. Then she sees a dark haired woman run up and kiss him. Jessica asks when Winston filmed this. Two weeks ago. Suspicious.
That Friday night, Jessica is rushing around singing West Side Story tunes because Jeremy’s back and they are going to the Beach Café. Elizabeth pops into Sue’s room that night to see what movie she wants to go see. She wants to see, "Happiness is a Warm Scone." What the fuck? She also tells Liz that she is going to the Halloween party to show that she is totally over Jessica and Jeremy. She doesn’t want people to feel sorry for her anymore. Sue? As long as you live in the Wakefield house, I am going to feel sorry for you.
At the Beach Café, Jessica runs into Jeremy’s arms and he spins her around. How stereotypically romantic. They make out. Jeremy reminds Jessica that she’s underage and they break it up for a bit. Jeremy asks Jess about Sue’s suicide attempt. Jessica is confused because she never told him about the suicide attempt. Jeremy says she mentioned it in passing. Well sure, why waste precious time talking about something as dull as a suicide attempt when there’s a Halloween party to plan! Still, Jess is pretty sure she didn’t tell Jeremy about Sue’s little accident. She’s a little, dare I say, suspicious. She tells Jeremy that she would like to officially announce the engagement at the Halloween party. Jeremy’s like, "whatev." Jessica wonders if Jeremy even cares about their engagement or has any plans for them. I don’t know about the engagement part, but he does have plans for you Jess. Jeremy says he brought her back a kick-ass costume for the party and that it’s a perfect size six. Jessica thinks about her flawless figure and forgets about Sue.
In Elizabeth’s bedroom, she and Sue are getting ready for the stupid movie. Todd barges in and accuses Elizabeth of avoiding him. Elizabeth calls him butt-ugly and flings herself on her bed. Todd strokes the ‘stache and runs downstairs. Dumb.
Meanwhile, Lila goes to see Jeremy and puts on her best velour leggings for the occasion. Velour leggings? Oh Lila, that’s so Jessica Wakefield. Anyway, Li apologizes to Robby over being a freak about the nude drawing class. Robby accepts her apology.
Halloween night. Wakefield house. Jessica is dressed as Princess Jasmine "from the Aladdin movie." How 1992. Jeremy got them Disney character costumes? Now that is creepy. Elizabeth is going as a cat. She’s punishing Todd by wearing the same costume she wore last year. I’m sure he will be devastated by the repeat. Man, even their fights are lame. Sue is going as a witch.
Halloween party at the Project Nature cabin. Robby is Dracula and Lila is Mona Lisa. Awesome. Winston, dressed as Captain Picard, asks Sue to dance. Todd is dressed as a magician. He’s shaved his mustache. Elizabeth slobbers all over him. Jessica sits on a bench, feeling abandoned by Jeremy/Aladdin/Gigolo-boy. He’s disappeared. Jess starts looking for him, noticing that Sue is also missing. Jessica goes outside to get some air. She hears leaves crunching and moaning and kissing sounds coming from the woods? Moaning? From pain? Surely not from… But yes! And it’s Jeremy and Sue! Jessica, horrified, runs back into the cabin and sobs to Todd and Liz. Liz takes Jessica home in the jeep after threatening to run Jeremy over. Do it Liz!
Back at home, Liz tries to comfort Jessica with hot chocolate and popcorn. Elizabeth, I have one word for you. VODKA. Learn it. Love it. Elizabeth tells Jess that Sue could lose her inheritance now because she and Jeremy were making out before her two months was up. Before they can think about that too much, Jeremy rings the doorbell and tells the twins that Sue is missing! Suspicious!
Read all about Sue’s disappearance in #110 Death Threat. I won’t be recapping it but I will be recapping the end of this little miniseries in #111, A Deadly Christmas.