Sweet Valley High #135: Lila's New Flame
This is the first book in the the three-part "Inferno!" (exclamation point) mini-series about Lila, Lila dating Steven, and Lila's house burning down. It was requested of me in the request thread. I don't what could have possibly given you the impression that I,
strangerface, would be interested in recapping books about Lila. I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you!
Firstly I would like to draw your attention to the cover art. This one unfortunately took place during the time they were using the Sweet Valley High TV actors on the cover. And as you known none of the (multiple) actresses that portrayed Lila Fowler were ever able to quite get her right. I offer as Exhibit A that this strange cover person is not Lila:
The Outfit No, your eyes do not deceive you. “Lila” is wearing a checkered smock dress with apples printed on it. To make matters worse, her headband matches the dress. As if they had some extra fabric lying around from the table cloth and she decided to make a dress and then put it on her head. In my personal opinion, Jessica's pearl clutching is not because she's just discovered “Lila” kissing “Steven,” it's because she's horrified by the ensemble (and her outfit awesomely has cutouts around the waist. Ha! The 90's!)
Anyway, the book. Lila is sad because she's just broken up with Beauregard Creighton the Third, “Bo” for short. I haven't the foggiest notion who Bo is. I don't believe my Lila would date anyone named Bo, let alone be upset about him dumping her (she'd dump him). She walks around Fowler Crest feeling like it's not her home but a museum and she has “nothing.” So clearly our Lila is all screwed up. I blame John Pfeifer (boo!) and his attempted rape for messing with her head. It's the only explanation.
Plus, he's to blame for a lot of the things that are going to happen in this series, so let's start the blame game early, shall we?
Meanwhile, Jessica and Elizabeth are excited that Steven is coming home from college. Steven is starting an internship at the D.A.'s office and taking a semester off college. The twins have even made a “Welcome Home” sign. They have too much time on their hands. SVU is like two feet from their house and Steven is around all the time to help them get out of murder charges and the like. It's not like he was in Siberia.
Alice and Ned are out of town (shocker!) and Jessica wants to have a big party (double shocker!) “for Steven.” It's going to be a surprise party, so Steven can't say no. Liz is all “we can't have a party when Mom and Dad are gone!” like it's the most ridiculous suggestion she's ever heard. And I'm like, “Holy Christ, woman, have you read this series? You do it every other book!” Annoyed at Liz's refusal to party (she wants to be boring with Todd instead), Jessica calls Lila for advice. As you would do if you had Lila's phone number. Dude, I'd call her about everything. But Lila does not pick up because she is busy lighting things on fire.
Lila burns the love poems/letters that Bo sent her and crying Wow she's burning. Devon (below) wants things to burn. Are you guys noticing a totally subtle theme here? She falls asleep and dreams of fire and when she wakes up there is smoke. She realizes Fowler Crest is on fire! Lila is trapped in the house, by the flames which block all the doors. She tries to reach the window to jump out of the house, but inhales too much smoke and passes out. I panic! Oh noes!
Meanwhile, Steven Wakefield drives home from SVU sad about his breakup with Billie. He wishes she would come back to him (Steven thinks they broke up because he was “leaving her,” like it's so fucking far!). He arrives home and the twins have cooked him food. Jessica whines about Liz not letting her have a party. Steven doesn't want a party. He wants to be emo about breaking up with Billie. The twins are shocked to learn that they broke up. Liz figures out Billie was really upset that Steven hadn't told her about the internship until the last minute. Way to go, Steven.
They are interrupted by the phone ringing someone tells Steven that there's been a terrible fire at Fowler Crest. Lila is in the hospital and no one can find her parents (shocker!). Jessica and Liz worry that her parents were in the house. What are the chances of that? Parents actually being around in Sweet Valley when important stuff happens! Ha!
Lila wakes up in the hospital and the first thing she sees in Steven, which makes me think someone put a love potion on her and this is all a weird episode of Bewitched when you fall in love with the first random person you see. Jessica tells Lila that she was rescued by firefighters. See, I don't like these important rescuing moments happening off screen. I feel like there should've bee a hot firefighter romance in here somewhere. But no, instead the first thing she saw was stupid Steven.
Jess has to break it to Lila that the entire west wing of the house burned down. And before you start thinking up some boring political and/or television reference, this is actually important. It's the side of the house Lila's room is on! All her clothes were there! This is a travesty of great proportions! I can't believe you thought I'd make a Martin Sheen joke here. Have you no shame?!
Lila thinks about the fire, at first she thinks she started it with her burning of letters. But then she realizes that the flames were all around her, in the doorway, so they couldn't have come from the fireplace. Meaning Lila isn't the only pyro around. I wonder who it was!?
(Aside: Jessica sees the nurses fawning over Lila and says she's in good hands and Lila tuts that it is Fowler Memorial Hospital. She says “Only the best for Lila Fowler.” She's awesome even from her sick-bed.)
Steven starts his internship at the Sweet Valley D.A. They put him on a case immediately. I think this is odd. Shouldn't he be doing filing or something he couldn't seriously fuck up? He's not even a law student, he's pre-law at SVU. I guess I shouldn't be surprised with this being Sweet Valley and all. The case? You guessed it. There's been an arson at Fowler Crest! The D.A., Joe Garrison, has a suspect: Lila. They found matches in her pocket. He wants Steven to investigate Lila.
I'm no expert here, but I've seen the opening sequence to Law and Order several hundred times, isn't it usually the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders?
At Casa Wakefield, Jessica and Liz make dinner while Jess continues harping on the party idea. Liz is aghast that she would think of having a party while Lila, her best friend, was in the hospital. Jessica is like, “Hey I'm a sociopath, what do you expect?” Steven takes this chance to grill them about Lila. He wants to know why her parents are never around (I don't know, why are your parents never around, Steven?) and if she's been through any trauma lately. Jessica is about to tell him about
evil John (Eww!) the rapist but Liz convinces her not to. Apparently it's a “private matter.” What the FUCK ever, Liz. Like you ever stay out of people's private affairs!
Jesica flirts with an orderly and gets him to allow her to bring contraband (ice cream, mochas, clothes, toiletries) to Lila. It's nice to see you using your skills for good, Jessica, but stay away from those
orderlies. Lila says she can't wait to go home because hospital food is worse than plane food. Jessica is forced to tell her she can't go home because the fire was an arson and it's a crime scene. Shouldn't it be someone else's job to tell Lila this? Are there no police officers in this town?
Jessica wants Lila to stay at Casa Wakefield; but Lila insists she will go home even if it is partly burned down. She doesn't want to be “uprooted.” But Jessica is afraid whoever set the fire is still around and Lila will be in danger. She becomes further concerned when Lila says no to going shopping the next day (when she will be released from the hospital). Lila Fowler no shop!? Something is wrong!
Liz wants everyone to be happy slappy. She plans something she actually calls “Operation Cheer Up” (she really makes it easy for me to mock her). 1) Jess is going to go shopping with Lila. And she is going to try to mend Steven's broken heart. 2) She suggests Steven hanging out with her and Todd. Damn Liz, the boy is depressed about his breakup. Force him to spend time with you and Todd might make him suicidal. I know it would me and I haven't broken up with anyone recently. Jess agrees with me and says she thinks that's a stupid idea. Because it is.
The next day, at school, everyone is talking about the fire and spreading wild rumors that Lila was horribly burned and disfigured. Jess tells them all that she's fine and going home soon. Winston wants to know why someone would burn someone else's house. Bruce says that Mr. Fowler has made a lot of enemies in business. Amy (surprisingly) is actually the first one to suggest that someone might after been after Lila (I mean, her parents weren't home and are still away; if someone wanted to kill Mr. Fowler they should wait for a time when he's there). But, who would want to hurt Lila? Who indeed?
Jessica picks up Lila from the hospital (the Jeep is dubbed the “Freedom Train.” Heh). Lila already knows the school is talking about her, because she knows all. She says it's like the “John Pfeifer nightmare all over again.” (She neglects to insert a hiss!) But interesting analogy, Lila.
They drive to Fowler Crest and Lila and Jessica see the damage for the first time. The whole house is ruined, even the parts that didn't burn are covered in ash. Lila starts to cry but refuses to let Jessica take her away. She says it's “all she's got left” which strikes me as incredibly sad. She is going to stay in the pool house; Jessica offers to stay with her but again Lila refuses. Jessica gets a bad feeling as she leaves. She has the impression that Lila looks (physically) vulnerable and she wants to protect her but doesn't know how. One thing I like about Jessica is that she occasionally seems to love Lila as much as I do.
Lila walks through the empty, ruined house and is sad. She thinks about good times like Christmas and her sixteenth birthday party. Then she goes to her room and discovers that all her jewelery has melted together into a clump, her clothes are destroyed, her photographs and letters are blackened. She tries to remind herself that these are just things but thinks to herself that this is what she gets for not appreciating what she had (which I guess she means by being emo before). She is sad, as she should be. And she thinks that this experience is even worse than what happened with John (boo!).
Steven drives to Fowler Crest to talk to Lila. After searching for a bit he finds her in the pool house. She's already set it up with a few remaining personal items and brought in flowers and plants. Steven is surprised she is so strong and self sufficient. I am very pointedly not surprised. Lila rules. She tells him about her destroyed photographs and says each minute she remembers another memento that is gone. She has kept the box of ruined photos, saying a ruined picture is better than none at all. He is surprised how deep she is and thinks she probably didn't set fire to her own house since she's so torn up. He vows to help her/protect her and tells her that he's working with the D.A. on her case.
He has Lila explain what she was doing before the fire. She admits that, yes, she had a fire going in the fireplace. And, yes, she was burning her letters from Bo. Then she fell asleep on the divan and when she woke up the fire was coming from the door not the fireplace. Steven commiserates with her about the breakup and tells her about what happened with him and Billie. Way to be completely unprofessional, Steven. Lila thinks, for the first time she has known him, that he is cute.
That night Lila has a nightmare. She dreams about fire and the flames taunt her and cry “Poor little rich girl!” over and over. She wakes up frightened and alone in the pool house, thinking about how if the firefighters had been minutes later then she would be dead. Oh, Lila. Does it help at all that I love you?
Steven is at work. He has discovered that the fires were set in three rooms at almost the same time. These three rooms were all the ones surrounding the one Lila was in. This makes Steven think that (duh!) she was the target. Someone was trying to trap her in the fire and kill her. His boss, Joe, is dismissive of this. He still thinks Lila set the fire because of the matches found in her pocket and new evidence that says there was an empty gas can in her car.
Jesus. Let me poke some holes in this theory if I may. She was in the house. How'd the empty gas can get outside to her car if she was inside (trapped by three blazing rooms) during the fire? Oh, and did you find gasoline on her? Wouldn't she have got some on her if she spread it around the house? Wouldn't she have caught on fire then and be dead? Also, if I thought a girl set her own house on fire in a pattern that shows it was meant to kill her, I wouldn't want to arrest her. I'd put her on suicide watch. What a jackass!
But of course the Sweet Valley law enforcement agents are all completely incompetent. Steven, two day old intern, is actually their top guy.
Jessica and Lila go shopping for new clothes. Jessica becomes seriously concerned when Lila suggests buying jeans. Lila says “jeans are for the masses” and refuses to be seen in public in them. And she buys them without trying them on. This is scandalous. Usually Lila is really picky when she shops. Jess suggests maybe they should shop another day because clearly Lila is not herself. But Lila says she's doesn't want impractical things anymore; she's trying to be glad of what she does have. No poor little rich girl, I guess. Also, she, without help from her parents (as they are still MIA on some island somewhere), has already talked to construction people and begun the renovations of the house.
Steven starts to wonder if Lila really is guilty and she's just using her “feminine wiles” on him to make him think she's innocent. I think there should be a rule that women are allowed to punch any man who uses the phrase “feminine wiles.” Can we work on this, intarwebs?
He calls Lila asking to talk to her about the “new developments” in her case, as in he now thinks she's guilty. He wants to meet her at the office but she has school so she suggests dinner after work. He realizes he's falling for Lila Fowler and thinks to himself that he's “playing with fire.” Seriously, can I punch him now?
Lila's first day back at school. People in Sweet Valley are insensitive. Surprised? Lila says she feels like she's an animal in a zoo. Ouch. Then when Amy and Jessica leave for class, Lila sees a shadow following her and starts to think she is being watched. I wonder who would be that creepy (boo)?
Liz is actually surprised Steven doesn't show up to watch movies with her and Todd. I wouldn't show up and I don't have, like, other shit to do. She calls his office to spy on him. Todd tells her not to that Steven has a right to privacy. Liz is like, “oh pish-posh.” Funny how she didn't feel that way when relevant evidence could have been brought up in Lila's case, no? Todd and Liz make out and it makes me sick so I skip ahead.
Steven, of course, is out with Lila at a fancy restaurant. He thinks it's too up-scale, but it's probably just normal for her. Their table is candlelit and Lila says she loves the glow of candles. Steven thinks she's a total pyro, yet he's still out on a date with her. So who's the crazy one, I ask?
Lila explains away the gas can. She says the chauffeur might have left it there long ago, unrelated to the fire. He drives her Triumph too, because... that's his job? She also tells Steven she thinks someone is following her. Later, since they're at a French restaurant, Lila recounts a trip to France. She talks about digging for oysters and then went out with the royal family of Monaco later. She says she liked the fisherman better. Ha! Lila is awesome. Have I mentioned it?
He's totally charmed by her and in love until, when they leave, she takes a book of matches from the restaurant. She says she always takes them as a souvenir and now she has to start rebuilding her memories. Again, he thinks she's pyro.
Jessica is sitting in her room, fretting about Lila. She wants to do something nice. And she realizes, all by herself which I have to note because it's Jessica, that Lila would probably like some pictures from when they were younger. She decides to make Lila a photo album. It's such a not Jessica thing to do that I kinda fall in love with her here.
Liz and Todd try to take Steven ice-skating but he doesn't show up again. (When will they clue in that they're dull already?) All Liz wants to talk about is Steven. She wants to know where he was the other night and what's up with him. Todd is like, “Wow, Liz, you really know how to sweet talk a guy.” Then he kisses her again and I'm relieved that it's a chapter break and don't have to read more making out. Phew!
Steven is at the D.A.'s office doing actual work. At the moment, he's convinced Lila is innocent and in grave danger. I have to tell you because he changes his mind every other page. He's looking up known arsonists and researching Mr. Fowler's business associates. But then he starts to think she might be guilty again because the chauffeur said he doesn't carry spare gas. And Steven thinks about how he's falling in love with her and it disturbs me a little that he seems to love her most when he thinks she's a crazy arsonist.
Lila is alone at her house and starts to freak out about someone following her. She thought she saw someone in the house earlier. Steven shows up and she's so grateful to see him. But Steven has bad news. He found monogrammed gloves of hers outside, soaked in gasoline. He wonders how he missed them before. Lila is like, I don't know maybe it's because someone put them there just now you retard. Actually, no she doesn't say that. I wish she did. She is all hurt that Steven would think she's an arsonist because she thought he was on her side. She starts to cry and he hugs her and tells her it will be all right.
Have I mentioned how weird it is that he gets closest to her when he thinks she's guilty?
Steven goes to the office and finds a print out from a “Web page” about arsonists in his inbox. Oddly, he can't find out who put it there. But it just says that arsonists are people crying out for attention, that need affection and fascinated by fire paraphernalia. Basically the “Web page” says that Lila = arsonist.
Liz sees Jessica's sweet photo album for Lila and totally wants to steal the idea. She says she's going to make a photo album about Billie for Steven. Jessica is like “That's cruel” which it is. I know they're going to get back together because I've read SVU, but I assume Liz hasn't so what she's doing is just rubbing it in Steven's face. Liz admits it is cruel. And then she's like “Hey, how about we invite Billie over?” She won't let it go. She wants to meddle in their private affairs so badly! She just can't help herself! Luckily, Jessica is there to tell her she's a crazy person.
Lila drops by Casa Wakefield to say hi. Steven tells her she has to admit to the arson. He says he can't help her if he doesn't know the truth. He tells her the guys at the D.A. are professionals (ha!) and they're going to get her. Lila says they should go after the culprit on the victim. Good point!
Then she kicks him in the nuts and storms out. No, again, that's just my wishful thinking. Then they start kissing. WHAT?!?
Then.... Jessica walks in on them. She is disgusted, as am I. And scene.
Elsewhere in Connecticut, Devon Whitelaw is preparing to leave his home. Now if you had asked me five seconds ago if Devon was an actual book character or just a character from the TV series I would have said he was just on the show. (No, I lie, I would've looked it up on wikipedia and then pretended I knew all along, because that's how I roll.) But irregardless, I'm surprised by his arrival.
Devon is packing up his Harley with a few meager possessions and leaving his home for good (he hopes it burns down). His parents were just killed in a car accident. Devon seems to be a sociopath like our beloved Jessica because while thinking about his parents he complains that he barely noticed they were dead because when they were alive they were never around and never knew he got good grades. Jesus, Devon, they're dead. Maybe bring up a tear or too just to make me feel better?
In Devon's unnamed father's will, it said Devon will inherit 10 million dollars if he has a “suitable” guardian. I'm not sure how the suitability of the guardian will be judged from beyond the grave but Devon is off on his Harley to find himself a guardian. He wants someone who will be a good parent-like person but doesn't know if good people really exist. Oh whatever, Devon.
Later, Devon arrives at his aunt and uncle's house in Ohio. They have two kids and a picket fence. They are very cliche. They actually have apple pie for dinner. He starts to worry they are just being nice to him for the money. I hope they are. If they actually had Sunday dinner with freshly baked apple pie every week, that would be so creepy. I would wish Crazy Margo would come drown them all in a pool.
Devon is still at the aunt's and uncle's house. There is a boring scene were the two kids fight about the remote and going to bed. Then the parents tell Devon that he should start school again. They also say he should have his own room. Devon is touched. Until they say they want to put another wing on the house and that's where his room would be. Subtle!
Next we see Devon, construction has already begun on the new wing of the house. He watches thinking they sure didn't waste time. The two boys come out to talk to Devon. They say they want new clothes and “motorbikes” too so they can get girls. This family has no tact.
One of the construction workers comes over and is like “Dude, they are totally robbing you.”
Thursday at dinner, Devon's aunt announces they need a new car because the family is too big now. He starts thinking about what the construction worker said. But he wants a family and he wants them to like him. However, he's starting to doubt them (starting?). He looks in the mirror and thinks he has the eyes of a cynical person. No, Devon, you have the eyes of someone who has eyes. Then he overhears his Aunt and Uncle talking about how they're going to spend his money and he realizes they really don't give a shit about him and just want his cash. Devon is emo again.
On Friday, Devon comes down to dinner with the greedy family. He tells them that he just talked to the lawyer and his estate is bankrupt (a lie). The aunt starts yelling at him that they took out three loans for the construction. She actually says “How dare you!” which is funny because I'm sure he totally forced you to start buying crap way before you ever got the money.
Then Devon leaves them with their debt, heading toward another uncle in Las Vegas.