Elizabeth #2: London Calling
Okay, the very popular Elizabeth story continues! Alas, no Jessica in this one AT ALL. Elizabeth isn't much featured either. It looks mostly at the lives of Lady Sarah and of Vanessa the maid.
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More fug animation. Sarah (girl on couch) has a lazy eye. The blonde guy is super ugly. I think it's James.
We start with Elizabeth exactly where we left her: at the grand Pennington House. Another maid, a 19-year-old named Vanessa (who I want to call McBitch, coz she's so snipey- she would fit in so well here at 1BRUCE1) is giving Liz the tour. They are in the right wing (say it with me now: OOOOOOOHHH! AHHHHHHH! This house has wings!) of Pennington House, which contains the ballroom, library, and the earl's office. I so hope they have SVH books in the library, but I doubt it. I would if I had a library. Elizabeth, of course, is gisming over the fanciness of the house, which Vanessa McBitch thinks is typical American title worship. Vanessa hates Liz already. Woot! So much so, in fact, that she makes up all this crap about how horrible the family is just to freak Liz out. This whole bit is from Vanessa's POV, so we get all the snark firsthand. She laughs at Liz's new Austen name (she's Elizabeth Bennet now, in case you forgot, hence the P&P icon tradition I'm going to keep here). However, she tries not to be too mean coz she doesn't want Liz to quit. They need the extra hands to handle the work for Max's wedding in 6 months.
At this moment, Viscount Maxwell Pennington (a.k.a McDreamy...*cough* Max) barges round the corner in a rush to get to the kitchen to satisfy his Haagen-Dazs cravings. I like him already. He apologises, and he and Elizabeth share a moment. "How charming," Vanessa thinks. "And how utterly unrealistic!" Because *gasp!* he's engaged already, to some witch named Lavinia, who we already know will be a total cow, because she is engaged to McDreamy Max... although Addison was married to the original McDreamy, and she was totally awesome. Okay, I'll stop with the Grey's Anatomy comparisons now. :-) This marriage is an arranged marriage, because of course, being a noble, they still do that. Not. They didn't even do it much back in the day.
Anyway, Lavinia, who is about 19 or 20, is a "child bride by modern standards, but practically on the shelf by British noble tradition." Um, okay? I really doubt that. Max goes to Oxford, of course. There is no other university in England.
Vanessa uses English words like "bum", "mind your p's and q's", "zipped lip", "arse", and she even says "bitch". Surprisingly, the ghostwriter doesn't say wanker, instead sticks to jerk. Boring! How did the "p's and q's" saying originate, anyway? I know what it means, but I have no idea how it started.
Elizabeth gets to her bed in the room she'll share with Vanessa and Alice, and she cries. I'll let this time slide. I cried once when I was in a foreign country and couldn't find anywhere to stay. It's cause for tears. Liz is surprised how caustic Vanessa is, because she's so pretty. Pretty and nasty can't occur in the same person! She's already thinking about how cute Max is, so she can't be that broken up about Sam Bastard from the previous book. She dismisses her "last, fading image of herself attending workshops at the University of London, sipping Twinings English breakfast tea with friends and discussing contemporary British fiction." That wouldn't happen anyway, Liz.
Next morning, Liz learns the ins and outs of her job. She doesn't have to wear a prissy maid's outfit, just khaki pants and a navy shirt. No frilly white caps here! (That's French maids, Liz. In porn.) She tries to find the herb garden and bumps into Max again. They have an interlude, and their extremely basic conversation leads Liz's heart to hammer in her chest. Gosh!
Vanessa is plotting something. She has a secret! It seems very scandalous, but she hasn't mentioned it yet. I am on the edge of my seat. In something unrelated, Max's best friend James has a thing for her, but she's not keen. He's always trying to talk to her. His family's not aristocratic, just super-rich. That's why it's okay for him to have a crush on the help and not Max. James's last name is Leer, which is funny coz he leers at Vanessa. Yes, that pun is also made in the book, thankfully by Vanessa the Cynic.
James can't figure out why Vanessa doesn't like him. He's rich, he's good-looking, so what is it?
Maybe it's his personality?
We then get introduced to Lady Sarah Pennington, a 16-year old little wench who has been busted with her boyfriend in her bed at her fancy Welles School. Her boyfriend is from the East End. He is poor, and is at the school on scholarship. So despite being smart enough to get a scholarship, he is considered trash by the earl. Even though they weren't doing anything. She's not allowed to be a boarder anymore, just a day pupil. She thinks in English colloquialisms, coz she's not allowed to sound normal. She gets home and orders fat-free scones over the intercom, and she's generally very bossy and bitchy. She is sick of bloody tea! Just because I'm English doesn't mean I'm dotty about tea! she thinks. THANK YOU SARAH! But she's considering teh sex! Oh. Em. Gee. Elizabeth is definitely not in Sweet Valley anymore! Teenagers here are active. Boys' sex drives aren't confiscated at Heathrow!
Vanessa sneaks into the earl's suite while he's at Parliament. His suite is fully of fancy crap like 'ottomans', which Vanessa thinks are useless. Ness isn't supposed to be in the earl's suite, she could be fired if she's spotted. It turns out that Vanessa's mother had an affair with the earl, got pregnant, and then he never contacted her. So Vanessa grew up with a drunken slapper for a mother, "a tart and a lush", as Vanessa thinks. She is looking for 'proof' of the earl's secret affair so she can ruin his reputation in some big dramatic way, as revenge for how he treated her mother. What is she expecting to find? An eighteen-year-old condom? Ew.
Anyway the search is useless, and Vanessa nearly gets busted by the earl as he arrives home. But she doesn't, of course. She lives to snoop another day.
Elizabeth finally meets the earl. He welcomes her, she thinks he's nice. Sarah laughs at her name, then calls Pride & Prejudice boring. She looks at Elizabeth "as if to indicate that she, Elizabeth, was personally responsible for Jane Austen's novel." I wish I were personally responsible for P&P. That book is awesome.
Sarah keeps being a little cow, bossing the servants about like they're...well, servants. But Max is sooo lovely. He talks to Elizabeth, asking her questions, but then the earl notices a spark and promptly dismisses Elizabeth. Oh, snap!
The earl and Max play polo. Of course. Max thinks of Elizabeth. Her smile is so much warmer than Lavinia's. Ooooh, you're already cheating, Max! Mentally, anyway. Trust me, it's mental to like Liz. Heh. The earl talks about Sarah and Nick, and tells off Max for flirting with Liz, saying, "the lower classes simply do not mix well with the upper classes, like it or not. It's just a manner of breeding."
Yes, Earl. That's why all the royals are inbred, you twat. Share the love, spread the genes!
Sarah mentions that she has enough money to keep herself in Prada the rest of her life. Then she goes out wearing a Marks & Spencer wool coat. Nothing against M&S, but I figure that if Sarah was going to wear chain store stuff she'd at least go to TopShop.
Their chauffeur is a right wank. He's pompous and talks like the worst kind of toff. She gets him to drive her to school so she can meet Nick behind the rosebushes. For sexy conversation, I'm sure.
Nope. He wants nookie this weekend!
Alice, the dopey maid, is trying to figure out the colour of Elizabeth's eyes (Pacific blue, you dill). Then old Mary the head maid (who I'll call Maid Mary, coz it sounds kinda Robin Hood-ish) comes in all aggro, asking who left a pail out that she nearly tripped on. Liz takes the rap for Alice to save her arse, and Vanessa is mildly impressed with Elizabeth's "spunk". Hee. Spunk.
Sarah is arguing with her dad again. He talks so much that his words blend together in Sarah's mind, and sound like another language, "some distantly related cousin of English. Gaelic or Welsh. Medieval Scottish."
These languages are not distant cousins of English. They aren't related at all. English is a Germanic language. Welsh and Gaelic are Celtic languages. They're very clearly different when you see them next to each other. Medieval Scottish is a form of Gaelic, too. Ghostwriter, just because Welsh and Gaelic are spoken in the same area as English does not mean they're related. If you want distant cousins of the English language, try Afrikaans or Dutch.
Douche.
Back to the story. Sarah ponders over who to talk to about sex. Her mum's dead, so no go there. Lady Lavinia's too frigid inside. Sarah doubts Maid Mary has ever had sex. Eventually, Sarah decides to use James as a distraction. She'll flirt with him so her dad will think she's into him, and forget about keeping a close watch on her.
Liz writes in her journal in the garden. Her writing blows. "...But if life didn't surprise us, then we would never learn anything about ourselves. We'd stay forever cocooned in our small worlds, watching time turn us into little people, afraid of anything that didn't come preplanned, prepackaged, prearranged...
Elizabeth's writing surprises her. It is rambling and unfocused [yes], but also loose and kind of interesting [no]. I have no idea how drunk the University of London admissions people were.
Max arrives again, more sexual tension is exchanged. She perves at his... shoulders. Right. They talk about writing, turns out Max wants to write a book. Earl Pennington doesn't approve of this. Parliament members shouldn't write novels. I have no idea why not. Or maybe it's just the earl's subtle way of dissuading Max because he sucks at writing.
We meet Lavinia. Yep, she's a bitch. Very beautiful, of course, but ice-cold. She's a duchess. Which is weird, because her father's an earl. You figure she'd just be a Lady, like Sarah. But no, they all call her a duchess. I'm wagering that no research occured here. Argh. If you're going to write a book that features nobility, DO SOME F#%KING RESEARCH! *head implodes*
Lavinia generally snaps at everyone and acts bored with the wedding planning. Not very much like an excited bride-to-be. Pssst. You're meant to hate her already.
Max asks for more rolls at dinner, just so he can see Elizabeth when she brings them out. You'll get fat, Max. Then she won't love you. You have to be the man's equivalent of size six. Or whatever. Point is, you can't be fat. Not in these books. Sarah flirts obviously with James after dinner, and the Earl is very happy. Elizabeth sees her and smiles patronisingly. Sarah reminds her of Jessica at the same age. When James asks her if England has been anything like she expected, Elizabeth replies wittily (yes the book actually says wittily, and from Elizabeth's point of view, no less) with, "Well, no. For starters, no one named Darcy has befriended me."
Liz, that's not witty. That's lame.
But anyway, Elizabeth feels like she's making friends, but then Sarah dismisses her with, "You may go." BURN!
Back in Sarah's room, her friend pretends to award her a BBC Dramatic Arts Award. Why not a BAFTA? Or an Oscar, like everyone else in the world pretends to receive? That reference is so gratituous. It's just to remind us that this book is set in ENGLAND. OOOOOOH. Lady Sarah then proceeds to sneak out to meet Nick. He is at the park with some friends drinking. One friend is a guy, an East Ender who dropped out of school to play for a rock band. The other is a scholarship girl at Welles, but is all edgy-looking, with a pierced nose! She's also a slut, apparently. Sarah isn't keen to drink, and Nick backs her up. Fiona laughs at some random girl for being a virgin. Why would you laugh at someone for that? That's weird. Then Sarah gets busted by her dad. Embarrasssment! She has a huge fight with her dad as he confiscates her cellphone and grounds her. She thinks that he thinks she's a "slattern". No Sarah, he thinks you're a slut.
Book ends when Sarah decides to have teh sex!!!! Scandalous!
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More fug animation. Sarah (girl on couch) has a lazy eye. The blonde guy is super ugly. I think it's James.
We start with Elizabeth exactly where we left her: at the grand Pennington House. Another maid, a 19-year-old named Vanessa (who I want to call McBitch, coz she's so snipey- she would fit in so well here at 1BRUCE1) is giving Liz the tour. They are in the right wing (say it with me now: OOOOOOOHHH! AHHHHHHH! This house has wings!) of Pennington House, which contains the ballroom, library, and the earl's office. I so hope they have SVH books in the library, but I doubt it. I would if I had a library. Elizabeth, of course, is gisming over the fanciness of the house, which Vanessa McBitch thinks is typical American title worship. Vanessa hates Liz already. Woot! So much so, in fact, that she makes up all this crap about how horrible the family is just to freak Liz out. This whole bit is from Vanessa's POV, so we get all the snark firsthand. She laughs at Liz's new Austen name (she's Elizabeth Bennet now, in case you forgot, hence the P&P icon tradition I'm going to keep here). However, she tries not to be too mean coz she doesn't want Liz to quit. They need the extra hands to handle the work for Max's wedding in 6 months.
At this moment, Viscount Maxwell Pennington (a.k.a McDreamy...*cough* Max) barges round the corner in a rush to get to the kitchen to satisfy his Haagen-Dazs cravings. I like him already. He apologises, and he and Elizabeth share a moment. "How charming," Vanessa thinks. "And how utterly unrealistic!" Because *gasp!* he's engaged already, to some witch named Lavinia, who we already know will be a total cow, because she is engaged to McDreamy Max... although Addison was married to the original McDreamy, and she was totally awesome. Okay, I'll stop with the Grey's Anatomy comparisons now. :-) This marriage is an arranged marriage, because of course, being a noble, they still do that. Not. They didn't even do it much back in the day.
Anyway, Lavinia, who is about 19 or 20, is a "child bride by modern standards, but practically on the shelf by British noble tradition." Um, okay? I really doubt that. Max goes to Oxford, of course. There is no other university in England.
Vanessa uses English words like "bum", "mind your p's and q's", "zipped lip", "arse", and she even says "bitch". Surprisingly, the ghostwriter doesn't say wanker, instead sticks to jerk. Boring! How did the "p's and q's" saying originate, anyway? I know what it means, but I have no idea how it started.
Elizabeth gets to her bed in the room she'll share with Vanessa and Alice, and she cries. I'll let this time slide. I cried once when I was in a foreign country and couldn't find anywhere to stay. It's cause for tears. Liz is surprised how caustic Vanessa is, because she's so pretty. Pretty and nasty can't occur in the same person! She's already thinking about how cute Max is, so she can't be that broken up about Sam Bastard from the previous book. She dismisses her "last, fading image of herself attending workshops at the University of London, sipping Twinings English breakfast tea with friends and discussing contemporary British fiction." That wouldn't happen anyway, Liz.
Next morning, Liz learns the ins and outs of her job. She doesn't have to wear a prissy maid's outfit, just khaki pants and a navy shirt. No frilly white caps here! (That's French maids, Liz. In porn.) She tries to find the herb garden and bumps into Max again. They have an interlude, and their extremely basic conversation leads Liz's heart to hammer in her chest. Gosh!
Vanessa is plotting something. She has a secret! It seems very scandalous, but she hasn't mentioned it yet. I am on the edge of my seat. In something unrelated, Max's best friend James has a thing for her, but she's not keen. He's always trying to talk to her. His family's not aristocratic, just super-rich. That's why it's okay for him to have a crush on the help and not Max. James's last name is Leer, which is funny coz he leers at Vanessa. Yes, that pun is also made in the book, thankfully by Vanessa the Cynic.
James can't figure out why Vanessa doesn't like him. He's rich, he's good-looking, so what is it?
Maybe it's his personality?
We then get introduced to Lady Sarah Pennington, a 16-year old little wench who has been busted with her boyfriend in her bed at her fancy Welles School. Her boyfriend is from the East End. He is poor, and is at the school on scholarship. So despite being smart enough to get a scholarship, he is considered trash by the earl. Even though they weren't doing anything. She's not allowed to be a boarder anymore, just a day pupil. She thinks in English colloquialisms, coz she's not allowed to sound normal. She gets home and orders fat-free scones over the intercom, and she's generally very bossy and bitchy. She is sick of bloody tea! Just because I'm English doesn't mean I'm dotty about tea! she thinks. THANK YOU SARAH! But she's considering teh sex! Oh. Em. Gee. Elizabeth is definitely not in Sweet Valley anymore! Teenagers here are active. Boys' sex drives aren't confiscated at Heathrow!
Vanessa sneaks into the earl's suite while he's at Parliament. His suite is fully of fancy crap like 'ottomans', which Vanessa thinks are useless. Ness isn't supposed to be in the earl's suite, she could be fired if she's spotted. It turns out that Vanessa's mother had an affair with the earl, got pregnant, and then he never contacted her. So Vanessa grew up with a drunken slapper for a mother, "a tart and a lush", as Vanessa thinks. She is looking for 'proof' of the earl's secret affair so she can ruin his reputation in some big dramatic way, as revenge for how he treated her mother. What is she expecting to find? An eighteen-year-old condom? Ew.
Anyway the search is useless, and Vanessa nearly gets busted by the earl as he arrives home. But she doesn't, of course. She lives to snoop another day.
Elizabeth finally meets the earl. He welcomes her, she thinks he's nice. Sarah laughs at her name, then calls Pride & Prejudice boring. She looks at Elizabeth "as if to indicate that she, Elizabeth, was personally responsible for Jane Austen's novel." I wish I were personally responsible for P&P. That book is awesome.
Sarah keeps being a little cow, bossing the servants about like they're...well, servants. But Max is sooo lovely. He talks to Elizabeth, asking her questions, but then the earl notices a spark and promptly dismisses Elizabeth. Oh, snap!
The earl and Max play polo. Of course. Max thinks of Elizabeth. Her smile is so much warmer than Lavinia's. Ooooh, you're already cheating, Max! Mentally, anyway. Trust me, it's mental to like Liz. Heh. The earl talks about Sarah and Nick, and tells off Max for flirting with Liz, saying, "the lower classes simply do not mix well with the upper classes, like it or not. It's just a manner of breeding."
Yes, Earl. That's why all the royals are inbred, you twat. Share the love, spread the genes!
Sarah mentions that she has enough money to keep herself in Prada the rest of her life. Then she goes out wearing a Marks & Spencer wool coat. Nothing against M&S, but I figure that if Sarah was going to wear chain store stuff she'd at least go to TopShop.
Their chauffeur is a right wank. He's pompous and talks like the worst kind of toff. She gets him to drive her to school so she can meet Nick behind the rosebushes. For sexy conversation, I'm sure.
Nope. He wants nookie this weekend!
Alice, the dopey maid, is trying to figure out the colour of Elizabeth's eyes (Pacific blue, you dill). Then old Mary the head maid (who I'll call Maid Mary, coz it sounds kinda Robin Hood-ish) comes in all aggro, asking who left a pail out that she nearly tripped on. Liz takes the rap for Alice to save her arse, and Vanessa is mildly impressed with Elizabeth's "spunk". Hee. Spunk.
Sarah is arguing with her dad again. He talks so much that his words blend together in Sarah's mind, and sound like another language, "some distantly related cousin of English. Gaelic or Welsh. Medieval Scottish."
These languages are not distant cousins of English. They aren't related at all. English is a Germanic language. Welsh and Gaelic are Celtic languages. They're very clearly different when you see them next to each other. Medieval Scottish is a form of Gaelic, too. Ghostwriter, just because Welsh and Gaelic are spoken in the same area as English does not mean they're related. If you want distant cousins of the English language, try Afrikaans or Dutch.
Douche.
Back to the story. Sarah ponders over who to talk to about sex. Her mum's dead, so no go there. Lady Lavinia's too frigid inside. Sarah doubts Maid Mary has ever had sex. Eventually, Sarah decides to use James as a distraction. She'll flirt with him so her dad will think she's into him, and forget about keeping a close watch on her.
Liz writes in her journal in the garden. Her writing blows. "...But if life didn't surprise us, then we would never learn anything about ourselves. We'd stay forever cocooned in our small worlds, watching time turn us into little people, afraid of anything that didn't come preplanned, prepackaged, prearranged...
Elizabeth's writing surprises her. It is rambling and unfocused [yes], but also loose and kind of interesting [no]. I have no idea how drunk the University of London admissions people were.
Max arrives again, more sexual tension is exchanged. She perves at his... shoulders. Right. They talk about writing, turns out Max wants to write a book. Earl Pennington doesn't approve of this. Parliament members shouldn't write novels. I have no idea why not. Or maybe it's just the earl's subtle way of dissuading Max because he sucks at writing.
We meet Lavinia. Yep, she's a bitch. Very beautiful, of course, but ice-cold. She's a duchess. Which is weird, because her father's an earl. You figure she'd just be a Lady, like Sarah. But no, they all call her a duchess. I'm wagering that no research occured here. Argh. If you're going to write a book that features nobility, DO SOME F#%KING RESEARCH! *head implodes*
Lavinia generally snaps at everyone and acts bored with the wedding planning. Not very much like an excited bride-to-be. Pssst. You're meant to hate her already.
Max asks for more rolls at dinner, just so he can see Elizabeth when she brings them out. You'll get fat, Max. Then she won't love you. You have to be the man's equivalent of size six. Or whatever. Point is, you can't be fat. Not in these books. Sarah flirts obviously with James after dinner, and the Earl is very happy. Elizabeth sees her and smiles patronisingly. Sarah reminds her of Jessica at the same age. When James asks her if England has been anything like she expected, Elizabeth replies wittily (yes the book actually says wittily, and from Elizabeth's point of view, no less) with, "Well, no. For starters, no one named Darcy has befriended me."
Liz, that's not witty. That's lame.
But anyway, Elizabeth feels like she's making friends, but then Sarah dismisses her with, "You may go." BURN!
Back in Sarah's room, her friend pretends to award her a BBC Dramatic Arts Award. Why not a BAFTA? Or an Oscar, like everyone else in the world pretends to receive? That reference is so gratituous. It's just to remind us that this book is set in ENGLAND. OOOOOOH. Lady Sarah then proceeds to sneak out to meet Nick. He is at the park with some friends drinking. One friend is a guy, an East Ender who dropped out of school to play for a rock band. The other is a scholarship girl at Welles, but is all edgy-looking, with a pierced nose! She's also a slut, apparently. Sarah isn't keen to drink, and Nick backs her up. Fiona laughs at some random girl for being a virgin. Why would you laugh at someone for that? That's weird. Then Sarah gets busted by her dad. Embarrasssment! She has a huge fight with her dad as he confiscates her cellphone and grounds her. She thinks that he thinks she's a "slattern". No Sarah, he thinks you're a slut.
Book ends when Sarah decides to have teh sex!!!! Scandalous!