Sweet Valley Twins and Friends Magna Edition: A Christmas Without Elizabeth pt. 2

Dec 15, 2007 22:32


Elizabeth goes to the elementary school parking lot to buy a Christmas tree for the Glasses and is stunned to find that a tree costs a whole whopping $38. (Obviously she's never gone tree shopping with her family, or maybe the Wakefields have a super special discount because they're such a super special family.) She tells the guy at the tree lot that she's got $6 (that she borrowed from Steven) and an emergency quarter that she keeps in her shoe. She also gives him the big sob story about how she wants to buy a tree for some friends of hers who just moved out of the homeless shelter and she wants to make their home seem more Christmasy.

They just don't come any saintlier than Liz.

The man gives her a little two-foot pine tree in a plastic pot and she hurries over to the Glasses' new apartment. The landlord, Mr. Thorsan, shows up and tells Mrs. Glass that he's expecting the other half of the rent money on Tuesday at the latest. Mrs. Glass promises that her husband will be home in time with the money to pay him, and then we get this nice bit of foreshadowing from the ghostwriter:

"The last time I let someone in like this, they took advantage of me and I had to have them evicted. I wouldn't want that to happen to a nice family like yours. Not right before Christmas. But I have to eat too, don't I?"

Mr. Thorsen, meet Jacob Marley.

He leaves and Mrs. Glass comments that she hopes they aren't in over their heads and that she'll feel better once the rent money arrives. And Suzannah shows Liz her room, which has a little alcove with a built-in shelf for her books.

Foreshadowing? No, more like a 2 by 4 upside the head. Subtlety is not one of the qualities that a SV ghostwriter needs.

Liz goes home, thinking about how she only has two more days of lying to everyone about the money until Mr. Glass arrives in town. She thinks, "How hard could it be? Jess does it all the time." Um, that's because Jess is a professional liar and sociopath already at the age of twelve, Liz. She's got it down to a fine art. You, on the other hand, suck at it. Maybe Jess needs to give her some lessons. (Of course, Liz gets better when she gets older, with all the times she cheated on Todd in high school.)

Jess and Liz have a conversation upstairs in Jess's room after Steven soaks Jess with the hose while washing the car. (Jess gave Patrick Morris' jazz theme idea for the party eight candy canes because she thought he was cute. Steven accused her of being sexist and when she told him he missed a spot on the fender, he soaked her.) Jess asks Liz where she hid the money. Liz stares at her fingernails because she can't look Jess in the eyes and evades the question by saying "I can't tell you - how do I know you won't run off and buy that purple cashmere sweater you've been dying to get?"

Our Lizzie's learning!

Jess admits that if she was going to steal the money, she'd invest it in jewelry. Methinks Lila has taught her well. Jess then starts trying to guess where Liz has hidden the money. ("Under your mattress?" "In a sock?" "In the freezer?") Yes, folks, Jess is not the brightest bulb on the strand, even though there have been two different SV books that claim she's a genius. Liz is all, "Don't worry about it, it's a lot of responsibility having this money, and besides, you've got enough on your mind." Another brilliant move on Liz's part, because it brings the topic of conversation back to Jess, and there's nothing Jess loves to talk about more than herself. Jess begins to vent about how stressful it is having so much power, which proves my previous point. Liz then casually asks Jess when she thinks she'll need the money. Jess moans, "Not you TOO, Lizzie!" Liz tells Jess she's not putting any pressure on her, but Christmas Eve is coming up soon and there's not much time left. Jess whines that it's not her fault that she's indecisive, and she'll decide when she decides. Liz quite smoothly tells her to take as much time as she needs.

Why in the world they have a twelve-year-old in charge of planning this party with no guidance from an adult at the school to make sure things are rolling along is beyond me. Oh, wait. I forgot. This is Sweet Valley. The adults let the kids pretty much do whatever the hell they want. Damn, I wish I'd grown up in Sweet Valley!

There's another scene with Jess being accosted by cute boys in the hallway, each one wanting her to use their idea for the party. It reminds me of the whole storyline in SVU about pledge week and Jess being driven crazy by Theta pledges kissing her ass to get into the sorority. Random association, I know, but that's what popped into my head as I was reading this.

Meanwhile, Liz gets to the Sixers office, where Amy and Sophia ask her to decipher Caroline Pearce's handwriting. Apparently Caroline writes the gossip column - hey, why didn't she write it at SVU? She probably would have done a hell of a better job than Liz, since she knew the dirt on everyone. Anyway, Sophia mentions that there's a bit in the column about Lila's newly-redecorated room. Liz rolls her eyes, saying that nobody but Lila would care about her room but they may as well leave it in. (Remember this. It's important later.)

The conversation makes its way to the party, and Liz mentions to the girls that she wonders if they could have put the money to better use somehow. (Testing the waters, Liz?) When Sophia asks what a better use would be than a fun party for the school, Saint Elizabeth responds, "A worthy charity." Amy says that it would be a good idea for next year, but the whole school would have to agree on it since they would all be chipping in on the money.

Hear that, Liz? No more unilateral decisions on what's best for other people.

Obviously she doesn't listen as she continues butting her nose into other people's business well into university.

Angry!Todd shows up at the Sixers office and bitches Liz out for standing him up on Saturday. He stood at the mall for two whole hours waiting for her to show up to help him pick out a Christmas gift for his mom. Hear that, Todd? That's the sound of the world's smallest violin, my friend. She starts to tell him that she had forgotten because she went to the shelter to give Mrs. Glass the rent money, then realizes what she's about to do and stops, apologizing to him instead. Angry!Todd then bitches that he's tried calling her all weekend and hasn't been able to get through, because Jess spent the whole time on the phone trying to decide on a party theme. (No call waiting or separate phone lines for the Wakefields!) Liz asks Todd if they're still going to the Christmas party together, and he snaps back that he's going with Ken and Winston, because at least they won't let him down. (Note to Todd: Remember that later on in SVH, when Liz has a fling with Ken....)

After a hard day translating Caroline's handwriting, Liz goes home to find Jess in a tizzy. If she doesn't pick a party theme soon, the Unicorns are going to come over, take the money, and decide on a theme of their own. Meaning Liz will be in deep shit. Jess worries over having to decide, and then tells Liz that Suzannah called to invite her over to the apartment the next day for her father's welcome home party. Jess is all, "I thought she lived in the homeless shelter" and again Liz starts to sweat it out. She says to Jess that the Glasses found a new place and Jess comments that Liz probably helped them.

Liz really starts getting twitchy now. She asks Jess what she means, and Jess gives her the best answer ever. I have to quote it in full here:

Jessica waved her hand. "Oh, you know how you are. Always helping people and being saintly and perfect so you can make me look bad."

That pretty much sums up every Sweet Valley plotline, I think.

Jess whines some more about picking a theme, and Liz suggests she sleep on it and give it another day. Jess worries that the Unicorns will mutiny. (Obviously she hasn't quite developed the chutzpah that she has in SVH.) Liz tells her that she's the one in command and she can't let the Unicorns push her around. Besides, the longer Jess waits, the greater the suspense for the party.

I don't know about you guys, but it's only six chapters into the book and I'm already sick and tired of hearing about this damn party. However, this works as a great evasion tactic with Jessica, who agrees to Liz's suggestion. Liz then feels horribly guilty, because she hadn't thought about how her brilliant idea to help the Glasses might get Jess into trouble. She then muses that she's a conniving, lying, manipulative sister and she's turning into Jessica. Liz, you can rest easy. Whenever Jessica connives, lies, or manipulates, she never worries about how she might be getting you into trouble. Your conscience and halo are safe for now.

Liz wakes up the next morning with a bad feeling. (More subtle foreshadowing from the ghostwriter.) She had dreamed about running out of paper for the Sixers, so she'd printed them up on dollar bills instead - the money meant for the party. Liz has boring dreams, even when they're supposed to be nightmares. She looks out the window and it's raining outside. She's got a new pimple on her face, one that she thinks looks as big as New Jersey.

Then when she gets to school, she runs into Todd and asks him if he's forgiven her. Instead he triple-walks it to his locker and as she follows, tells her that he called yesterday and he's getting used to being ignored. God, Todd is a whiny bitch in this book. Liz explains that Jess had told her someone called her (other than Suzannah) but Jess couldn't remember who it was. She apologizes and says that Jess has been really distracted lately. Whiny!Todd shoots back with "she's not the only one." Liz apologizes again and says that she's had a lot on her mind the last couple of days. Stealing school money will do that to a person. Todd actually pulls his head out of his own ass long enough to ask Liz what's wrong, but then reverts to his usual Mr. Sensitivity personality and tells her she's been acting weird. She says "Not really," even though lying, stealing, and skulking around aren't part of her normal personality traits. Todd continues to act like a bitch, telling her to talk to him again when she's her old self, and as a parting shot, he asks her what happened to her chin. (It's the Pimple that Ate New Jersey, you moron!)

More bad stuff happens to Liz. Lila stalks up to her with a copy of the Sixers in her hand an screams that she's going to sue Liz. Apparently her father has seventeen lawyers to Liz's one (Ned), and Lila's going to use them to sue Liz for "libel! Or slander!" She doesn't know which is which, but she's out for Liz's blood, due to something written in the paper. Liz calmly tells Lila that if there's something in the paper she doesn't like, she should write a letter to the editor, and they'll publish it in the next issue when they get back from vacation. Lila? Write a letter to the editor when she can sue someone? Liz, you are delusional. Lila continues to rant about slander and libel, and Liz explains to her that what she wants to sue her for is libel, and that she's confused about what the fuss is over. Lila points to Caroline's gossip column. You know, the one that Liz had to translate and proofread?

These are the typos that Liz made in the article:

Lila Fowler has completely redecorated her broom.

The decorations include a lot of purple, naturally, and also her very own TV and VCR. Fortunately, Lila's wich enough to afford it.

Sorry to all you Lila lovers, but I found this hilariously funny, and if I were Liz, I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face while reading it. In fact, it makes me wonder if those were a couple of Freudian slips on Liz's part...

Liz tries to explain to Lila that she just made a couple of typos, but Lila's not having it. "I'm supposed to believe that careful, perfect Elizabeth Wakefield made two errors and they just happen to be broom and witch?" Good point, Li. Looks like Liz's saintly reputation is biting her in the ass this time. Lila reveals that she's arranged to have the remaining copies of the Sixers destroyed. The Unicorns tossed them all in the Dumpsters in back of the school. Liz is stunned and asks, "How could you?" Lila retorts with "How could you?" then starts to walk away. She turns around long enough to deliver a classic Lila Fowler zinger: "Oh, speaking of witches. I have the name of an excellent plastic surgeon who could remove that thing on your chin if you're interested." Hee!

Jess takes her aside after homeroom and bitches Liz out over the Lila typos, revealing that the Unicorns only got away with tossing half the Sixers because Ellen got caught by the Dumpster red-handed by the principal. Liz admits to Jess that she's not having a good day, and neither is Jess, because the Unicorns want to go shopping after school. I think Liz's day just got worse. Jess whines more about how she can't decide on a theme. Liz, in the meantime, comes up with a whopper of a lie. She tells Jess that she asked their father to put the money in the bank for safekeeping and the bank will be closed before he can take it out; therefore the Unicorns can't go shopping that night. (Yes, this apparently was in the days before ATMs. Good thing, or Liz would have been screwed right here.)

Jess is suspicious and asks Liz why she would do that. Liz badly lies again by saying that she was nervous with all that money around. Jess is all, "You've had this money for ages, why are you nervous now?" Go Jess! Liz makes up a story about burglaries in the neighborhood and quickly promises Jess that they'll have the money in the morning. This will give Jess extra time to choose a theme.

I don't know about you, but I'm starting to think Jess is never going to decide on an idea for this party. And why aren't any adults stepping in since it's two days before the party and nothing has been decided or planned yet? Oh right. Sweet Valley.

Jess then comes up with the idea of asking their father to stop by the bank before it closes. Liz freaks out and lies that their father has a big case today, so that's a bad idea. Jess is clueless as to what big case Mr. Wakefield is working but accepts Liz's explanation. She makes Liz agree to tell Lila about the bank since Lila's already furious with Liz. Sometimes I love the way Jess's sociopathic mind works. Before she leaves, she hands Liz a tube of extra-strength Cover Magic for her chin. "It won't make that thing on your chin disappear, but at least it won't be so obvious." Because the zit is the biggest problem going on in this chapter, I guess.

Liz runs all the way to the Glasses after school, tired of having to lie to everyone. The apartment is all decorated for Mr. Glass's homecoming, and there's a batch of peanut butter chocolate chip cookies (Mr. Glass's favorite.) Mrs. Glass tells them to just have one each because she could only afford to make one batch. Al - with more brilliant foreshadowing on the part of the ghostwriter - asks where their father is, and Mrs. Glass responds that she heard on the radio there's snow up north, and it's probably slowing down the driving.

Two hours pass, and Mrs. Glass cleans the kitchen while the girls work on decorating the tree Liz had bought. No sign of Mr. Glass. Finally at dinnertime, Liz decides to leave because she told Jess to tell Mrs. Wakefield she'd be home by six. Mrs. Glass says that she wanted her husband to meet Liz, and Liz reassures her he'll be home soon. She invites them all to the Christmas party at school the next night. Then there's a knock at the door, and everyone thinks that it's Mr. Glass.

It's not.

It's Mr. Thorsan, the landlord. Mrs. Glass gets nervous, because he's already been there once that day, asking about the rent money. She lets him in, and the first thing he does when he enters the apartment is ask her about the rent. She tries to explain about her husband being late because of the weather, but Mr. Thorsan isn't having it. He cracks that Mr. Glass probably isn't coming, and then adds that it's typical of "you people," because the man always runs off and leaves the wife and kids to fend for themselves. Suzannah speaks up to defend her father, but Mr. Thorsan continues on his anti-PC tirade. He vents about how he should have never rented to a family from the shelter and moans about what a saint he was to let them move in on only half the rent money. In fact, the old bastard is such a saint that he eats one of the cookies Mrs. Glass baked and then tells her that she's got until the next morning to get out of the apartment. She still insists that her husband may be home by then, and he gives her a deadline of 10 am. He tells her that if they have to leave, he'll mail her a check for the deposit because he's already deposited it. This confuses me again, because I thought Liz had given her all the money for the rent, and no mention was made of a deposit. Then it turned out that the money Liz gave her was for only half the rent, but still no mention was made of a deposit. How does Sweet Valley housing work, anyway?? *scratches head*

So what does Liz do?

Make it all about herself, as usual. She blames herself the whole way home, thinking if only she hadn't tried to help and if only she'd minded her business.

HA.

That's rich coming from Liz.

She gets home and is halfway upstairs before it occurs to her that possibly her parents could help the Glasses out until Mr. Glass gets back in town. She knows that they'll be furious with her, but she thinks that it's worth it if the Glasses can stay in the apartment. Um, Liz? Just a couple of paragraphs ago you were thinking that you shouldn't have tried to help and you should have minded your own business. I knew it wouldn't last. She goes back to the hallway, where her parents are sitting on the couch, talking with their backs to her. Apparently they're working on bills, because Mr. Wakefield comments that they'll be paying off the Christmas bills until next July, and Mrs. Wakefield adds that maybe they did go overboard this year and the next couple of months will be a bit tight.

How convenient.

Liz decides now is not the best time to hit her parents up for money. Jess comes down the stairs and tells Liz that she's decided that they're going to go shopping for the party the next morning. She then walks right up to Mr. Wakefield and asks him if he could go to the bank the next morning. Liz about swallows her tongue. Mr. Wakefield, confused as ever, wonders why Jess would want him to go by the bank. Jess, equally as confused, says "For my money."

Liz recovers from her shock long enough to run in and pull on Jess's sweater sleeve, telling her that their parents are busy and she shouldn't bother them. Mr. Wakefield asks if there is something he should know about, and Jess begins to tell him that she just wants her party money, but Liz interrupts. Liz assures Jess that she'll get her money, but it's her responsibilty and she wants to take care of it all. Jess whines for Liz to let go of her, and Liz pulls her back into the hallway. The Wakefield parents are completely clueless as to all of this, so Liz lies again and says it has to do with last-minute Christmas gifts.

In the hallway, Jess bitches about Liz stretching her sleeve into an "ape arm." I don't know why, but I find this amusing. Liz is so tired and confused from lying that all she can do is sit on the bottom step. She thinks about telling Jess the truth, but decides that she shouldn't upset Jess when Mr. Glass might still show up. She admits to Jess that she's thinking about all the times Jess has gotten herself into trouble but always manages to get herself out of it. Jess in turn admits that the only way she gets out of trouble is with Liz's help, and Liz asks, "How do you stand being you, Jess? Isn't it exhausting?"

Jess and her sociopathic mind makes it all about herself again, and she thinks that Liz is worried about the party. She reassures Liz that she'll make the party a success, and things always work out in the end.

And that's where I'll leave this part of the recap. Good Lord, this is going to be long - I'm only up to chapter 9!! :)

miss lila fowler, winter break, magna edition, trusty boyfriend todd, sociopathic jessica, unicorns, saint elizabeth of sweet valley

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