Sweet Valley High #70: Ms. Quarterback
Okay. Maybe it's just me, but Claire is SMOKIN' hot. Goddamn. I said Goddamn. I'm embarrassing myself here, but seriously. Claire is a ten. She looks kind of butch (I can imagine the discussion room with Yzma!Francine: "She is a girrrrrrl who plays sports? MAKE HER LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN, YOU FOOLS!"), but I who even cares? She is delicious. I am like the Big Bad Wolf in the Red Hot Riding Hood cartoon.
That was my reaction when I saw this cover for the first time in years, give or take some table-thumping. Seriously, she's good-looking, yo. Most attractive Sweet Valley cover girl ever. Om nom nom.
Anyway. This is the book which does for the feminist movement what Amy's True Love did for the LGBT movement. In other words, very little, and probably would have set the cause back by ten years if people actually took Sweet Valley High seriously. I realise that it's a little hypocritical of me to go shooting my mouth off about feminism when I just dedicated two paragraphs and a YouTube video clip to how physically attractive I think Claire is, but THAT IS HOW I ROLL.
Incidentally, Marilyn Kaye, one of my favourite teen novelists, wrote a far better YA novel back in 1987 (four years before this book) called Lydia, which used the same idea of putting girls on the football team. I recommend it if you can get your hands on a copy, because unlike all the characters in Sweet Valley, Lydia is cool and doesn't put up with shit from her love interest. (Did you know that Marilyn Kaye has a PhD in English Lit from the University of Chicago? I'm mildly impressed. I bet Francine Pascal doesn't have a PhD.)
ANYWAY. The book. Open on Liz and Todd meeting up at a pep rally. Like a pair of old biddies, they gossip about Scott Trost, the first-string quarterback, who is about to be suspended from the football team because of his bad grades. I originally made lots of rude comments about Scott because I'd confused him with Kirk Anderson (who, as we all know, sucks). Thanks a lot, Scott Trost. Liz knows all the hot insider goss because of her crack newspaper sources. Who are, like, Mr. Collins and John Pfeifer, so whatever, Liz. The two of them speculate who the new quarterback might be - possibly a girl! Todd is down with that, but he thinks that the football team players are too chauvinistic for this to happen.
The Scott Trost rumour is confirmed when Chrome Dome announces at the rally that tryouts for the position will be held on Monday. The cheerleaders are shocked! Emergency prom committee meeting! Also shocked is Terri Adams, Ken Matthews' girlfriend. As we all know, Ken lost his place on the team when he became Heroically Deaf Blind after a car accident. He's recovered his eyesight but he still suffers from blackouts. Terri wants Ken to try out because he wants to, not because of his stupid friends, and she's also worried about his health.
After the game, Liz remembers that she is meant to be interviewing new girl Claire Middleton for the Oracle. What a contrivance. Does Liz interview all the new kids? Can you imagine the sheer awesome of the interview had Crazy Margo decided to enrol at Sweet Valley High? Liz would have had a nervous breakdown. Anyway, the interview is a disaster, even by Liz's standards. Let me explain. No, there is too much; let me sum up:
Liz: So, you're new, huh?
Claire: Uh-huh.
Liz: Any hobbies?
Claire: FOOTBALL IS MY WHOLE WORLD. I DREAM ABOUT IT EVERY NIGHT. SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE AND I SEE MYSELF MARRYING FOOTBALL. Oh, and running's cool as well, I guess.
Liz: I think we're done here.
Maybe there's more to Claire than meets the eye. Like the Transformers.
At home, Liz and Jessica discuss Scott Trost. At this point, who cares? Certainly not me. He's not even in the book. Jessica says that she's going to convince Claire to join Pi Beta Alpha. Apparently there have been complaints that the PBA is too exclusive, so they're trying to bring in more of a variety of members. Whatever, dudes. Freakin' Enid is a member. I've eaten at more exclusive McDonalds.
Terri and Ken double date with John Pfeifer and Jennifer Mitchell and they all talk about how Ken will be back on the team in no time. Terri is less than enthusiastic but she nods along without bringing up her problem with him playing football again. Ken takes offence, however, and in front of the other two, he tells her: "Well, now that I may be getting back on the football team, I hope you're not going to turn out to be the type of girl who gets jealous whenever you spend time away from her...You know, the kind of girl who acts like you're a jerk just because you're not hanging all over her every minute." Wow. Ken is trufax the worst boyfriend ever, and he's meant to be one of Sweet Valley's nice guys. The total obnoxiousness of the speech aside, how rude and unnecessary for him to say all that in front of John and Jennifer. Dump his ass, Terri.
Terri doesn't take my advice and instead "kissed him goodnight as if everything were just fine". She feels uneasy about the relationship, even though everything is going well in it other than that little blip. The following morning, Saturday, she drives over to Ken's house, where he's playing football on the lawn with Winston. Terri finally expresses her concerns to Ken and Ken sulks. Terri feels ashamed and begs Ken's forgiveness. A++ dating skillz, Ken!
At cheerleading practice Jessica can't stop bitching about the boring cheers they have to perform. She and Robin eventually agree to each come up with a new cheer, and the best one will be performed at the next Big Mesa game, although it's pretty clear from context that Robin only goes along with this to shut Jessica up. Hee. Jessica has started to scheme, though: "Her mind was already racing, trying to think of something that would show herself off to best advantage." Jessica, I love you! Please accept my friend request on facebook dot com!
It's also mentioned that Jessica has a crush on some dude called Danny Porter. I misremembered him as being black, and was so, SO excited by the idea of a Wakefield dating a non-white guy that I'm a little embarrassed. He has "heartbreakingly blue eyes", though, so probably not. I should have known that it would have been too good to be true. Anyway, like Torrence in Bring It On, Jessica is going to use her cheerleading powers to win his heart.
That afternoon, after a football game against Palisades High, Jessica, flush from managing to score a pat on Danny's shoulder, corners Claire. Claire is dismissive of Jessica, saying: "Don't you think being a cheerleader is just a little bit sexist? After all, it's just a bunch of girls prancing around in cute little costumes." Jessica practically staggers back in shock. Hee. I disagree with Claire, but Jessica's reaction is hysterical. Claire dismisses her: "I think you'd do yourselves and everyone else a lot more good if you played a sport instead of jumping around and screaming." This is all kind of needlessly mean of Claire, I admit. But whatever. Owned, Jessica.
Claire signs up for football tryouts. While Coach Schulz - who, please God, moonlights as the creator of Peanuts?? - is all, "But - girl - wha?", she calmly informs him that she's had a chance to look at the school regulations and there's nothing to prevent a girl from trying out. He tells her that she'll be teased. She looks at him like he's stupid and tells him that she doesn't care. Claire might be a bitch but she is awesome. Owned, Coach Schulz.
Once this news hits the school, Terri does an about turn and decides to support Ken's tryouts to the end. It doesn't make much sense in context either, I'm afraid. She admires Claire a great deal, though, thinking that she must have a lot of guts. The cheerleaders gossip about Claire. They all hate her stupid face or something, and Jessica comes up with a nifty idea for her hot new cheer.
Claire tries out and all the boys - including Coach Schulz - grump about it. Terri watches them and describes Claire: "Her long hair was pulled back in a rubber band, and her usually pale face was suffused with colour. Claire looked in pretty good shape, from what Terri could see. Her body was lithe and fit in her grey sweat shorts, and she moved with such grace and agility, it looked as if she was dancing, even when she was just loping after the others. Plus she had a firm, athletic look that Terri had always admired, with smooth, defined muscles in her upper arms, thighs, and calves."
I think I need five minutes alone?
Anyway, Claire manages to be faster and a better player than any of the boys. Owned, misogynistic boys. Liz and Ken praise her highly, which is nice of Ken, considering that Claire is his rival. He still blows as boyfriend material, though. Ken kisses Terri and rushes off to hang out with Claire. Terri cries because she thinks that she's lost him forever. I don't know.
After school on Tuesday, John catches up with Terri on her way out to the football field. John is "out of breath, and his face was flushed". I can only conclude that he's just got back from raping some poor girl. Anyway, he tells her that the Sweet Valley News is taking an interest in Ken and Claire, the two top contenders for the position of quarterback: apparently Claire is the first girl in the area to try out for quarterback. Why does that not surprise me? Oh, Sweet Valley County, you are so cutely 1950s. I use the word "cutely" quite wrongly, of course.
Anyway, Claire makes it onto the field, unfortunately not managing to lose John in the process, and the two of them check out the team. I have to say, in every scene for the rest of this book Terri can't stop noticing how hot Claire is. She's worse than me, and I compared myself to a cartoon wolf with an enormous erection at the beginning of this recap. Jeez, Terri. In this scene she thinks about how Claire is glowing, and how pretty and graceful she looks. Screw Tom and his worry that being pals with a gay guy makes him gay as well. I'm talkin' about Terri and how she can't get the image of Claire's body out of her mind. But the Sweet Valley books haven't covered the gay disease yet, so Terri decides instead that she's just jealous of her.
Liz is watching the tryouts and decides to follow up on her interview with Claire. She asks her all these questions and Claire eventually cuts her off by claiming that she's tired. "The closed expression on Claire's face had changed to one of angry impatience." She marches away, leaving Liz hangin'. MARRY ME, CLAIRE. I MEAN THIS PROPOSAL FOR REALS. Seriously, I love her. If she posted on 1bruce1 and forgot to use an LJ cut, I wouldn't even bitch her out about it.
The cheerleaders were also watching tryouts, and as soon as they're over, they start to gossip. Amy's thoughts on the matter: "She's a disgrace to our sex." What is wrong with Amy? I hate her. Robin, Jean, and Annie smack her down, thank goodness. Jessica tells them about her conversation with Claire and they all decide that they hate her stupid face. Um, again. Jessica comes up with a cheer for the match against Big Mesa:
Give us a clap!
Give us a twirl"
Give us a quarterback
who isn't a girl!
Oh, man. Who do I root for here? On the one hand, I love Jessica. On the other, can I really resist the power of the Hot? I mean, Jessica never looks this good on her covers! Oh, and also Jessica is kind of sucking over this issue. And the cheer contains all the creativity of something written by Liz. Anyway, the cheerleaders all love the new cheer. Even Robin, Jean, and Annie. They need Cordelia Chase to come along and give them her "You're a sheep!" speech. I'm just sayin'.
Liz and Terri talk, because what would A Very Special Sweet Valley High be without advice from Liz? Terri admits that she's jealous of Claire's relationship with Ken. I just want to say, a popular queer theory in literature is that when two characters of the same gender are fighting over someone of the opposite sex, that someone is simply an object used to disguise the forbidden sexual feelings between the two rivals. Just throwin' that out there.
That night, Terri and Ken go to the Dairi Burger. Claire wanders in, looking hot, as she is wont to do. Ken invites her to sit with them, but Claire says that she has to get to the library and she leaves. Terri wonders: "Why had he been so insistent that Claire join them?" Even though Ken only asked her twice and wasn't too concerned when she said no. Oh, Terri.
The cheerleaders discover that Danny Porter, Jessica's latest crush, has been trying to make friends with Claire. What a slut. She's practically selling her body for money! The bitch clearly has to go down. They all decide to spread rumours about her in order to get all the other football players to hate her. These kids are so sixteen years old. Well done, ghost-writer.
Terri thinks about Claire's body. People, I am not making this stuff up. Anyway, she decides to work out, but in the locker room she happens upon Claire herself, who's crying over a black and white photo of a boy in football uniform. He's very handsome, and Terri sees that the picture is autographed: "To Claire - with all my love, Ted." Claire runs away and Terri burns up with curiosity. And, possibly, hot lesbian passion. Yes, guys: even though Claire is all empowered and shiz, she's still obsessed with men. How very The Courtship of Lord Arthur Armstrong.
Friday afternoon. Final tryouts. Ken, Claire, and some dude called Dave Pollock are the only ones left up for the position of quarterback. Poor Terri is an emotional wreck by this point. She talks to Claire, who bitches about the fact that the guys on the team have been playing mean pranks on her - courtesy of Jessica Wakefield's Rumour Mill of Lies and Deceit (now operating in a backwater town near you!) - but she says that nothing has ever stopped her from getting what she wanted. Terri thinks that she's talking about Ken. She cries.
Anyway, Ken and Claire both make it, obviously, and they're going to compete in a scrimmage the next day to see who will be first- and second-string quarterback. Please note that I have no idea what I am typing here. I don't know anything about American football, except for the joke about how it's timed to revolve around the commercial breaks on TV. For all I know, "scrimmage" and "second-string" could be mildly rude words - like bottom or fornicate or turnip - and Francine Pascal is sitting at home snickering like a eight-year-old boy making his first fart joke while I earnestly recap this book for you guys. Damnit, Francine! Don't be hatin' your overseas readers!
After tryouts, Terri walks into the locker room to find Jessica and Amy bitching about the shitty job that the football team did of playing pranks on Claire. Hee. Amy says that she's not going to cheer if Claire plays. In a moment of weakness, Terri tells them about Ted, the guy in Claire's photo. Assuming that he's some guy that Claire has a crush on, they decide to make up a cheer for her which will end with the cheerleaders shouting, "We know about Ted!" Are these girls nine years old? Do they think that Ted has cooties? Are they going to follow up with a cheer about how they're rubber and Claire is glue? This will clearly end well.
Aside: I love how that even though she thinks that Claire has a secret crush or boyfriend and it's Ken who's doing the chasing, Terri still decides to go after Claire rather than confront her boyfriend about their problems. And by "love", I mean, "I hate teenage girls."
The following morning, Liz talks about Claire with Steven, because I am so sure that Steve even gives a damn. Steven: "Oh, hay, I think I knew her brother. His name was Ted. He played football and was very handsome and enjoyed taking black and white photos of himself. Also, he's dead. His sister probably cries over him in empty locker rooms." The reader: "COULD THIS BE THE SAME TED??"
The game starts and Claire is a better player than Ken...until the cheerleaders perform their cheer. It's flattering until they get to the last verse:
Who needs a guy
when a girl instead
can play like Claire? -
We know about Ted!
Claire storms off the pitch, as I think anyone would when a casual reference was made to a dead brother by a bunch of girls who probably have Kelly Taylor as their #1 role-model. Jessica is thrilled that Claire has been driven off the team. Claire, ignore the stupid cheerleaders. THEY ARE INTIMIDATED BY YOUR MEGA-HOTOSITY.
Liz and Steven make their way down to the sidelines to confront Jessica. Jessica blows them off until they explain to her who Ted is. Liz is like, Congrats on being a horrible person! To her credit, Jessica is horrified by what she's done. Hee. I think I've said before about how much I love Remorseful Jessica. I hope that this time she gives Claire tacky sunglasses and a neon scrunchie to make amends. Stupid Amy blames Terri. Because, of course, Terri made the cheerleaders get up there and tease Claire about her dead brother.
Liz tells Terri as well, and Terri goes to Claire's house to apologise. Claire is cooler about it than I would be. She agrees to beg to be allowed back on the team - provided that Terri promises to fix her relationship with Ken. Terri agrees reluctantly. I'm just sayin', but she doesn't seem too enthused about the idea.
Terri goes to Ken's house to apologise. The pause after she tells him is more pregnant than Jamie Lynn Spears. ZING. Terri says that Claire is hot. I AM JUST WRITING DOWN WHAT IS IN THE TEXT. Don't shoot the messenger, yo. Ken is angry about the prank Terri played but he forgives her anyway. They don't break up, although they will in a later book, so it's tough to be too excited about their reunion.
Claire is made second-string quarterback and plays in Ken's place when he's too unwell to play. Because God forbid the Sweet Valley writers show a girl playing first-string quarterback when there is a wealth of cheerleaders who need dating. Anyway, Claire wins a game for Sweet Valley and the cheerleaders have a new cheer for her:
Who needs a guy when you've got Claire?
She runs, she scores, she gets you there!
Of all the heroes, she's the best!
The greatest player in the west!
It's kind of sweet. I spy some lesbian subtext in the first two lines, though. Maybe Terri helped write this cheer as well.
And that's the end! Just a quick note to say that this book is really good for Rare Sweet Valley High Students, if that's your thang. We have Zack Johnson, Danny Porter, Jennifer Mitchell, Dave Pollock, Stan Skinner, Tim Nelson, Tad "Blubber" Johnson, Patrick Reeve, Robbie Hendricks, Ricky Ordway, and Bryce Fisherman. Are any of these characters ever mentioned again? I think Zack, Danny, and Tad all have the occasional walk-on role as Friend Of Bruce or Buddy Of Ken or Obnoxious Jerk #3, and Jennifer Mitchell is a semi-regular as John Pfeifer's girlfriend, but that's it.
Edit: No, I have no good explanation for why a clip of Meg Cabot summarising Little Women ended up in my recap. Check your links before you post, kids!