Sweet Valley High #76 Miss Teen Sweet Valley
What to say about the cover? Wavy bangs, color coordinated barrettes, smug Jessica, bitch faced-Liz. Classic.
This book was dedicated to Amy Ellen Dyson, so Amy, wherever you are, this one’s for you.
The story opens with the perfectsizesixbluegreeneyesidenticalbutnotidentical spiel. Literally on page one. So I guess we got that over with. Jessica is afraid she might be losing her looks because Steven’s college buddy Frazier McConnell isn’t paying any attention to her. So she turns down two dates, stays home, watches bad TV, and trips over her father’s newspaper. The newspaper mentions the Miss Teen Sweet Valley Pageant, being held in the auditorium of SVH. By the way, I looked it up and some bad TV choices from 1991 are , Herman's Head ,Dear John, Step by Step and Baby Talk. Just thought you’d like to know. Anyway, Jessica decides to enter the pageant and does that thing where you pretend to be crowned and gasp and cry and walk back and forth in your living room, waving to the furniture. You know you’ve done it.
The next day at school, Amy and Lila talk about the pageant and Lila says she has no reason to enter, because she doesn’t need stupid prizes like cars or boats or mansions. She already has those things. Word. Elizabeth and her usual hangers-on laugh and laugh about how stupid pageants are and how dumb the contestants always sound. Rumors are flying about how awesome the prizes are- shopping sprees and stereos and five thousand dollars. Lila yawns. Amy decides to enter. Her talent will be baton-twirling. Jessica worries for a minute but remembers that Amy hasn’t twirled a baton since before she turned into a bitch and moved back to Sweet Valley. Jessica keeps mum on her own plans to enter the contest.
That night, Jessica piles all her swimsuits on her bed and tries to find one that’s pageant-appropriate. I’m from Minnesota so the idea of having a pile of swimsuits is utterly foreign to me. I have a lot of scarves. I could pile scarves on my bed. Liz walks in and wonders what Jess is doing, Jessica asks if she can borrow Liz’s one-piece, turquoise swimsuit. All of Jessica’s swimsuits are too trashy for the pageant. Especially her pink and gray striped bikini. Pink and gray? That’s so eighties. And it’s 1991! Bad Jessica! You’ all, in the eighties I had a neon-orange and black striped bikini with suspenders. It was hot. But I was so over it by 1991. Liz gives Jess her boring turquoise one-piece. Scene over.
The next day, Jessica is lying out by the Wakefield’s pool, dramatically increasing her chances of getting sun cancer. She decides that her talent will be dancing. She sprays on suntan oil. This is why I always picture the forty-five year old Jessica looking like Carmella Soprano. Steven and Frazier show up for a dip in the pool and Frazier ignores Jessica. He excitedly tells Steven that his kid sister is into modern dance. Frazier sounds sort of gay. That would have made this book even better. So of course, Jessica decides to do a modern dance for the pageant to impress Gay Frazier. Poser. Ugh. I hate modern dance.
Monday morning, Liz is pissed because there are a bunch of fliers all over SVH, advertising the pageant. Liz doesn’t think the pageant should be held at their school because it is sexist and degrading to women. The pageant, I mean. Actually, SVH is kind of sexist and degrading to women, too. So I don’t know what Liz is bitching about. Elizabeth decides to stage a protest by going to the mall and collecting signatures. Well of course. Any protest staged at the mall is bound to work.
Later, at the mall, Jessica buys a white leotard and white tights to wear for her pageant dance. At home, she puts her outfit on and dances around her room. Liz barges in and wonders what she’s doing because she’s dumb as a stump.
At dinner Jessica decides to announce her decision to enter the contest because she needs her parents to sign a consent form. Elizabeth is livid. She wants pageants outlawed. Outlawed! Liz, we’ll get to that after figuring out the whole handgun, abortion, and gay marriage- law thing. And honestly? You didn’t see this coming? Jessica’s a monster fame-whore in a town where fame-whoring is a way of life. She’s got pageant girl written all over her heart-shaped face. The girls squabble and leave the dinner table in a huff.
The next day, Elizabeth is harassing some poor woman at the mall. Liz tells the woman she’s trying to get the Sweet Valley Teen Pageant canceled. The woman says she likes watching pageants on TV. Elizabeth goes off and makes the woman’s baby cry, so the lady signs Liz’s petition to get her to shut up. Amy Sutton shows up and tells Liz to "live and let live." Oh God, I’m agreeing with Amy Sutton.
That night Liz and Jess don’t speak to each other and Liz writes an article called, "Why Beauty Pageants should be Outlawed."
The next Monday, after school, Jessica drags Lila to the mall to help her pick out her evening gown. Jessica finds a "pale pink creation with a full chiffon skirt and a bodice stitched with tiny pearls." It sounds like half the prom dresses you can see in the stores right now. They might even be uglier now. Seriously, what’s with the hideous prom dresses, ladies? I know my prom was in the Carolyn Bessette simple sheath era, but Jeezus the current crop of dresses are gaudy. Nobody looks good in sherbet orange or booger green. Nobody. And pick a skirt length already. Quit trying to pull off that short in the front, long in the back thing. It’s the prom dress equivalent to a bad mullet. Don’t do it. Anyway, Jessica convinces the store to let her borrow the dress for free as advertising. Like she’s Scarlett Johannsen. Or the 1991 equivalent of Scarlett Johannsen. Like she’s Winona Ryder. Jess meets up with Liz outside of the store and they get into a little bitch fight.
That night in the Wakefield’s basement, Elizabeth and Todd make signs with protest slogans. That’s hot. Elizabeth paints little yellow flowers on her "Women are more than pretty faces" sign. I’m not making that up. You know what would up the respect factor even more, Liz? Rainbows! Unicorns! What a dipshit.
The next morning, the list of pageant entrants is put up in the hall of SVH. Jessica is worried about Maggie Simmons, a talented actress who has performed in plays in LA. And Shannon Jefferson, who is an honor role student, an excellent pianist, and a deaf girl. Jessica is worried about the pity votes a hearing impairment will get. Nice. Amy drops by and mentions that she has heard that the pageant winner now gets 10,000 dollars cash. She’s knows it’s true because she heard it at the beach. Can no one tell a lie at the beach? Up north, we just stand around in snowdrifts, lying our asses off.
That night at Casa Wakefield, Jessica cleans and cooks and kisses ass so that her mother will give her money for dance lessons. Alice caves and writes a check.
Liz’s article comes out in The Oracle and Jessica is pissed. She goes to her first dance lesson. Her teacher, Mr. Krezenski, is apparently super-famous. He was a great dancer and is on TV all the time and everything. So why is he teaching kids in a "seedy looking" building in Sweet Valley? This book isn’t telling us something. Maybe he fell from grace because of his horrible meth problem. Maybe he’s a sex addict. There are so many options. Anyway, Krezenski, like all great teachers, is a total asshole. He shits all over Jessica and tells her she has the grace of "a drunken moose." Awesome. Jessica takes out all her frustrations on her sister that night, calling her Lizzie Borden. Only if Lizzie Borden painted yellow flowers all over the walls after axing up her parents.
The next morning Liz gets a call from the Sweet Valley News. They want to run her article in their paper. Liz says that they can, as long as they use a really girly font. Kidding. Then the local TV station calls and asks if the girls will do an interview with them. Why don’t they just make it a regular thing? National news, local news, weather, sports, the Wakefield report.
The next day, Jessica and Elizabeth meet in the cafeteria for their interview. The reporter is tickled that two girls who look exactly alike can be so different! I know! You could write a book about that! Or two-hundred books! Elizabeth goes on a rant and all Jessica can say is "Someone will win some very nice prizes." Heh.
Jessica goes to dance class and asks Krezenski why he’s being an ass. He tells Jessica that she has potential, but that she’s also lazy and stuck-up. I love this book. Jessica vows to work harder.
Jess and Lila go to the Dairy Burger and Lila tells Jess that she’s boring. I love this book. Liz comes in wearing a neon pink windbreaker. She and Jessica fight. Lila taunts them both. Jessica goes home and finds Steven, Cara, Frazier, and Frazier’s girlfriend (beard) in the kitchen. Jessica runs upstairs and pines for Frazier. Liz comes in and tries to talk things out with Jess and Jess tells her to stop forcing her opinions on everyone else. Yeah. They fight. Again. Some more. Elizabeth is so pissed off that she… writes in her journal. Sigh.
The next day, Elizabeth is excited because she has discovered a rule that forbids outside organizations from holding money-raising events in the SVH auditorium without written consent from the superintendent. And the superintendent is in Russia. Russia? That’s weird. Jessica freaks.
The next afternoon, Liz goes into Chrome Dome’s office to tell him about the rule that he’s breaking because he’s a horrible principal. But she chickens out and runs out of his office, wailing. She decides to protest the pageant by not going. A job well done, Liz.
On the day of the pageant, Elizabeth goes to the beach with Todd, where she stares at "droplets of moisture glistening on his skin." Ew. At home, Steven tells Jessica that he and Frazier will be coming to her pageant. Of course they will. The Wakefield parents take Jessica to the school. She meets Amy backstage. Amy is wearing a black dress covered in sequins. Jessica thinks it’s too much for her. Well, Amy once wore a jumpsuit and ankle boots to a pancake joint, so we can assume she’s a chronic overdresser.
Elizabeth decides that her "principles" were shitty to begin with, and tells Todd to take her to the pageant. She gets there in time for the evening gown competition, and then the question and answer portion. Hey! Chrome Dome is the pageant host! This book just keeps getting weirder. Mr. Cooper asks Amy which room in her house she would like to be. She’d be her living room, because it has a stereo. I don’t know. If Jessica were elected President of the United States, what’s the first thing she would do? She would protect the environment and find homes for the homeless. Jessica just stole John Edward’s whole campaign platform.
Jessica changes into her dance outfit and watches Amy twirl her baton. Jessica’s not impressed. Amy should have set her batons on fire. It worked for that girl in Miss Congeniality and for Suzanne Sugarbaker. There’s probably some rule against it, but Mr. Cooper is hosting a pageant that’s not supposed to be held at his own damn school, so screw the rules! Maggie goes on and recites a scene from Romeo and Juliet. That’s a horrible pageant talent. Deaf Sharon goes on and kicks ass on the piano. The crowd goes wild- but she can’t hear it because she’s deaf. Jessica dances and falls on her face in front of everyone. I LOVE THIS BOOK. She tries not to cry and finishes her dance. Then she runs backstage, changes into a t-shirt and gets ready to go home. In the audience, Elizabeth freaks out and runs backstage to comfort Jess. Jess is ready to split. So Liz puts on a swimsuit and white satin (yikes) heels and takes the stage. When she returns backstage, Jess is in her gown and ready for the show to go on. She hits the stage and wins the pageant. That’s bullshit. Sharon is deaf. If she’s really disappointed she could end up snorting coke and dying of a heart attack.
Jessica is surrounded by reporters and blinded by flashbulbs for an hour. At a local pageant? Jessica feels bad because she thinks she won simply because of her looks. Well yes, that’s the way it usually works in pageants. But you didn’t win because of your looks, you won because you’re Jessica Fucking Wakefield. The Wakefield fam goes to Guido’s to get pizza and celebrate. All goes well until Jessica learns that her prizes are not so spectacular bowling passes, movie rentals and a set of encyclopedias. What are encyclopedias?
Later Jessica stomps around her room, pissed that her natural beauty and poise didn’t bring her the riches she deserves. Elizabeth comes in to comfort Jess by telling her that she will be a (local) celebrity. Jessica perks up and thinks that winning a rinky-dink local pageant might lead to modeling and acting opportunities. Liz asks Jess what she expected from the pageant and Jessica says she thought that winning would help her career. Huh? Her career? You don’t even have an after-school job! Being a bitchy, flirty, size-six, cheerleader doesn’t exactly amount to a career, you know?
The next day, Gay Frazier asks Jessica to be his new beard for a while, and Jessica happily agrees. Mr. Krezenski tells her she’s awesome and wonderful. The end.
If you had to be a room in your house, which one would it be? Chome Dome wants to know!