Senior Year #5 - If You Only Knew
Factoid: I went to the library and they had NO original SVH books! Call your local congressman and complain! Instead I bring you a Senior Year book. This is the cover:
We start with the “diary” entries, which is more like someone playing with the fonts in Windows 99. Conner McDermott navel-gazes in a handwriting that can only be called “serial killer” about things that irritate you and attract you at the same time. Elizabeth asks why a guy would mack on you and then run away. Jeremy Ames, in a fake Halloween font, moons over Jessica, calling her “intelligent and totally beautiful.” Last but not least, Jessica makes us a list as to why her life sucks: she got benched in cheerleading practice, she doesn’t have a date on Saturday night, and Elizabeth’s screwed her out of a job. It actually says “Elizabeth decided to be irresponsible for the first time in her perfect existence. She was supposed to work my shift but she never showed, so now I’m jobless.” Way to go, Elizabeth.
Someone named Melissa is having a major meltdown in the parking lot. It’s her senior year and she is supposed to be captain of the cheerleading squad and some bitch named Tia has screwed everything up. Will, her boyfriend, thinks to himself about how she’s a drama queen but standing by her when she freaks is part of being a good boyfriend, but if he wasn’t with her he would be free to date Jessica Wakefield, who I doubt would reduce the drama situation. Then he thinks about how gorgeous and frail Melissa looks with her big blue eyes, even though she’s been crying for two hours. Ouch. Meanwhile this Jeremy bloke turns out to be the captain of the football team, and he’s demeaning himself by working in a coffee shop run by an angry girl named Corey (guess what color her hair is and how much eyeliner she’s wearing!). On his break he uses the oh so retro pink princess phone to dial Jessica Wakefield - but someone else answers and is super cranky to him. He hangs up.
While this is happening, Tia and Andy are at the movies, arguing about what sort of popcorn to get. I would suggest just smuggling candy in but then that would defeat the purpose of this bit of exposition. Anyway, they’re also there with Maria, who is expecting Serial Killer Conner. Tia and Andy try to let Maria know that he probably won’t come, but Maria is determined to wait in the lobby and asks herself, “What would Oprah think?” I feel I should also point out she is wearing a crocheted tank top in this scene.
But finally - we meet Serial Killer Conner! Turns out he’s the super sexy brother of Elizabeth’s good friend Megan. Conner, dressed like an Abercrombie model except, y’know, actually dressed, is invited to play Monopoly with them. There’s a lot of back and forth “if you think you can handle this” and it’s all kind of dirty. For shame.
Diary entry! Drama Queen Melissa says she lost her spot because Tia and Jessica tattled on her for making Jessica miss the pep rally.
Jeremy drives his old Mercedes down the street, thinking about Jessica. But as he pulls into the driveway of his family’s mansion, he notices a large FOR SALE sign. This can’t be good. Turns out that Jeremy’s dad lost his job last year and their savings have been dwindling since and now the whole family, including Jeremy’s little sisters, are all living in the servants’ quarters. When Jeremy walks in his parents are shouting at each other. Jeremy’s dad had a job interview but he’s not too keen on how it went. The book then goes in about how Jeremy thinks his dad sucks because ever since he lost his job he’s been kind of wan and whiny, and really I think his dad is just clinically depressed. I hear you, man. Have you tried looking for a job lately? Jeremy asks his mom why she didn’t tell him, and she says that she didn’t want to burden him. “You should just spend your time being a kid,” she says, to which Jeremy announces that he is NOT a kid and then knocks over his chair, runs to his room, and slams the door. Yeah.
Serial Killer Conner didn’t show up to the movie! Poor Maria. She, Tia, and Andy plan to get coffee the next morning and Maria hopes Conner will be there. Doesn’t it get awkward always hanging around with another couple, Maria?
Elizabeth lost to Conner in Monopoly. He crows over it and Megan leaves them to it. Elizabeth settles in to watch TV but Conner says she should sit by the couch to see the TV better, while he’s lying on the couch! Smooth. Elizabeth sits on the floor and starts to throb (their word, not mine) as Conner puts his hand on her shoulder. She then tries to be all sexy and ends up asking a question about what time his mom will be home. Conner is so disgusted he goes upstairs to write about it in his serial killer diary. The next page is a diary entry from Conner in which he says, “I’ve never had a problem with self-control. This ends now.” Elizabeth is going to be buried under the house by the end of the book, I think.
Jeremy is mowing the lawn at his house because they can’t afford landscapers anymore. He checks his watch and we find out that it’s 8:30 on a Sunday morning, which is a horrible time to mow a lawn. Come on now! His neighbor, who appears to be a leprechaun, judging by the fake Irish accent, passes by and suggests he start his own landscaping business. A light bulb goes off.
Andy, Tia, Maria, and someone named Angel are hanging at the coffee shop. Who are all these teenagers that are up so early on the weekend? This baffles me. Anyway, Maria’s trying to act casual because Conner’s showed up and is described like an International Male catalogue model. Maria suitably embarrasses herself in front of Conner and Conner is weirded out. Tia suggests a great remedy for embarrassment - shopping! Maria declines because she has to work on a project with Ken ‘Night of the Living Dead’ Matthews. We get a paragraph about how he used to be a “superpopular ultrajock” who hasn’t been the same since his girlfriend died in the earthquake. They pour some coffee out on the ground for their fallen comrades. No, not really. They part ways, and on their way out…
We switch to Jeremy’s POV, who comes into the coffee shop to ask the manager to give him more hours. She tells him that she already gave him more and doesn’t want to cut into his social life. He cranks to himself that he doesn’t want one. As he flounces out he bumps into Jessica! He’s so excited he knocks a stack of books out of her arm. Wait, what? The now bookless Jessica says that she got her job back because Elizabeth explained the whole wacky situation to the boss and now she and Jeremy are going to be coworkers. They exchange vibes of unresolved sexual tension.
Maria’s diary. She’s thinking about Romeo and Juliet - if Romeo had checked Juliet for a pulse, or if Juliet had done CPR, they would’ve been okay and the whole thing would be one big misunderstanding. Then she compares her and Conner to Romeo and Juliet. Weird. Maria + Serial Killer Conner = OTP.
It’s Monday! Maria is in the hallway before first period, trying to spy on Conner in a nearby classroom (creepy!) when her history teacher calls her in. They have a heart to heart talk about how she needs to help Ken come out of his shell. Maria is pissed that she has to play therapist, but manages to wrangle a study date out of Ken. I always liked Ken. Hang in there, man.
Jeremy daydreams during football practice about how being a barista won’t save his family’s house. That would be one hell of a latte, though.
Maria is in the library. Ken stood her up; probably because he was too busy mourning his girlfriend that died in the earthquake. LIVE IN THE NOW, KEN. Maria finally decides to leave but when she goes out to her car she’s got a flat tire! She’s about to pitch a hissy fit about changing a tire in chunky heels (to match her “hip hugging black trousers and white knit top” - freshman year of high school what) when Conner appears. It was him! He punctured the tire! Conner acts all nonchalant like he totally didn’t mess up her car and offers to give her a ride to Andy’s so she can hang out with him and Tia, again. While they’re driving, Maria notes his CDs - Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Bob Dylan, and Patsy Cline. She razzes him on the Patsy Cline, which is unfair, in my book. But instead of kicking out the jams, they ride in silence. Conner drops her at Andy’s and she invites him in, but he jokes that she offended him by making fun of Patsy and drives off. Maria feels like she’s made some real progress today.
Will is pulling into an auto body shop. The mysterious Angel from the coffee shop is apparently an older kid who’s full of love advice. Will tells the story so we know why Melissa is a total drama queen: Will cheated on her with Jessica because he couldn’t bring himself to break up with her and Melissa went nuts. Now he wants to dump her to date Jessica but doesn’t want to aggravate Melissa’s delicate emotional state. Angel tells him, in so many words, to stop being a fucking pussy and man up.
Ooh, another diary entry. Jeremy is being emo. I have awesome grades, perfect attendance, I’m captain of the football team - why do I feel like such a failure? Silly Jeremy.
Why is he asking this, you wonder? Because in the lull of making mochaccinos he looks deep into Jessica’s “gorgeous aqua eyes” and asks her to be his date to a party Friday night…and she declines. FAIL.
Maria bitchfaces at Ken for ditching her and it sounds like he’s growing a mullet.
Elizabeth is waiting for Jessica to drive her to Megan’s house and Conner appears, then teases her about being on the paper. He then offers to drive her. NO, ELIZABETH, DON’T GET IN HIS CAR! But of course she does. Gah.
Jeremy is studying when the phone rings. It’s the manager at the coffee shop. Goth girl can’t work the next day and she needs Jeremy to work, even though it’s right after school - which means skipping football practice. He agrees anyway then thinks about how whatever he does, he’s letting someone down. This kid is going to have a nervous breakdown.
Diary entry in the form of an email, from Tia to Conner. She asks why he keeps blowing them off. Oooh, things are getting interesting.
Maria and Jade Wu are waiting tables at a diner. I thought Jade worked in a dry cleaners? (Also, the Hispanic and the Asian waiting tables? Nice.) The bartender points out that the only one keeping him busy is some solitary schlub in the corner, watching ESPN - OMG it’s Ken! Maria slips into the booth and tries to make some chitchat about how can he watch football when he quit the team and it’s all horribly awkward. Ken tells her to fuck off.
Jeremy and some dude named Daniel, who we’ll probably never see again, are discussing Jeremy’s slow attempts at getting with Jessica. When Jessica appears, Daniel disappears, and then the two J’s playfully tug at each others’ aprons and throw things at each other. Jeremy asks her out again and Jessica again declines, saying she has to work on a project. Jeremy thinks that’s a lame excuse until she says she really does have to do a project - cutting out magazine pictures and making a collage that shows who she really is. I’d make some stupid comment here but I spent a psych class in senior year doing that exact same thing. They then decide to make frappuccinos. Mmm.
Elizabeth managed to spill grape juice on her favorite white blouse, so she takes it to the basement to bleach it and wash it - and Serial Killer Conner is hiding in the corner and surprises her. They banter and then she makes fun of the Louis L’Amour book he’s reading, and his attempts to convince her that it’s good. Man, Elizabeth, first Patsy Cline, now Louis L’Amour? Are you trying to pick a fight with my grandpa? They talk about a writing class they have and Conner insinuates that her essay will be some “Save the Whales [shit]” and then disappears and Elizabeth opens the washing machine to check on her shirt. It’ll never get washed that way, Liz.
Poor Jeremy is all tuckered out from working so hard and is trying to watch TV when his eye is caught by a stack of old magazines. He starts to flip and is struck with inspiration! He then proceeds to create Jessica’s project for her, with phrases from ads including “A Powerful Force,” “Sweetly Seductive,” and “a roller coaster ride of excitement.” Jeremy’s mom comes downstairs and remarks that it’s kind of creepy. I’ll say; maybe he and Serial Killer Conner should hook up and they can stalk the Wakefields together. Jeremy’s mom didn’t actually want to talk about his creepy collage; she wanted to justify selling the house to him: she believes moving to a smaller place will “shock” the dad “out of his stupor.” Obviously she hasn’t seen the mortgage rates lately.
Diary entry - another list from Jessica, more about how her life sucks. She believes that Jeremy made it past the gauntlet that is Melissa and Lila (where IS Lila, anyway?) and didn’t hear she was a cocktease and she skipped the game for no reason! And she turned him down to do homework and so that he didn’t think she was slutty. At least Elizabeth gave up her job for Jessica?
Diary entry - Elizabeth’s bad teenage poetry. She’s nervous about getting it right because she has to read it aloud in front of Conner in class. The poem:
She was afraid to look at him
Because he might recognize
The love, longing and secrecy
Betrayed within her eyes.
Don’t quit your day job, sweetie.
Jessica and Elizabeth eat breakfast at the McDermotts and Jessica complains about how she never goes out and gets yelled at by the Fowler’s house staff constantly. Meanwhile Liz is living it up with a totally hot guy. Elizabeth admits Conner is hot (in a serial killer sort of way) but that he has an attitude problem, to which Jessica concedes on account of him crushing Maria’s hopes and dreams. Something clicks, and Jessica is all, OMGWTF you like him!!!11! and Elizabeth is all LOL NO WAI!!!1 and Jessica’s all LOL totally you want to have, a million of his babies!!1!!one. Conner startles them by turning on the stereo and Jessica skips out.
Maria punches Ken in the back of the head during history class and passes him a note that says “Meet me in the library at 3:30 or I tell Mr. Ford to flunk you.” Ken is confused as there’s no place to circle yes or no.
Jeremy and some of his football teammates shoot the shit and do that guy thing where they slap each others’ shoulders and butts. They talk about a blowout party and dating someone named Linda Ford, who I’m pretty sure did a duet with Ozzy Osbourne. They reminisce about stealing Jags as pranks and wonder why Jeremy never invites them over anymore. Jeremy mumbles that he’s busy.
Elizabeth, Tia, and Maria are talking at lunch about skits in French class. Elizabeth wonders if she should tell Maria that Serial Killer Conner gave her a ride in his car (in the front seat, no less, not the trunk like she’s used to) but decides not to. Maria isn’t really into this conversation and decides to do some homework. But oh no! She’s forgotten to write down her English homework, but of course Elizabeth has so she grabs her notebook. BUT…instead of English homework, this notebook is full of Conner’s name written all over and scraps of her bad teenage poem. Maria is horrified. Elizabeth and Tia don’t notice. Poor Maria.
Diary entry - Andy notes that he saw the whole thing but is going to stay mum to see how it plays out between Elizabeth and Maria.
Maria is pissy. How could Elizabeth do this to her? You’re not supposed to date your friend’s ex! What a bitch! She sulks into the library and wonder of wonders, Ken is actually there. Ken makes the misstep of making a smartass comment and Maria explodes at him, screaming out the whole story about how Elizabeth is in love with her ex-boyfriend and kept it a secret and all this. Um, I think Ken kind of wins in the shitty life story, Maria. Ken tells her that she should just talk to Elizabeth. Maria is stunned, not by the sensibility of his advice, but by the fact that he spoke in more than three words.
Will walks into the coffee shop to meet Drama Queen Melissa and her cheerleader friends, but spots Jessica and turns into a mumbling freak. After agonizing if he should talk to Jessica or not, Melissa, Lila (there she is!) and someone named Cherie come in and make smart alecky comments about Jessica. Will directs them to a table and Jessica’s weirded out enough to escape into the stockroom. Will is mildly relieved at having avoided a massive blowout from Melissa.
Jeremy comes into the coffee shop and springs the creepy collage on Jessica. She starts to cry. Not because it’s creepy - she thinks it’s sweet. Of course she does. “Is this really how you see me?” she asks, and Jeremy nods. Jessica asks what time he’ll pick her up for the party. Awwww.
Diary entry - Ken! Ken’s diary entry is about how he’s sick of people trying to analyze him. He did feel pretty good when Maria yelled at him - for once he didn’t have the problem. Schadenfreude!
Diary entry - Jessica’s list, which is just OMG!!-ing over Jeremy’s creepy collage and finally accepting a date with him.
Elizabeth is freaking out in English class about reading her poem aloud. Conner gives her a shit eating grin until she busts out this classic piece of literature:
Your Silence
I sit in your silence, scared.
Waiting patiently for recognition.
For a word.
For a breath.
For a touch.
But I am raw.
Because I watch your hands instead of writing
And listen to your breath instead of breathing.
It’s strange,
How close to you I feel
And the need I have
To help you,
To make you smile.
And yet I’m still sitting here,
Waiting,
For you to let me in.
Conner is stunned. The bell rings.
We switch to Maria, who is quietly fuming about what she’s supposed to do in French class. How should she react to Elizabeth? She usually sits in a group with Liz, Jessica, Tia, and Andy. She can’t just up and go sit next to Drama Queen Melissa; the crazy might rub off on her. When she slams her locker, Ken is up in her grill. He asks if she’s talked to Elizabeth and when she admits she hasn’t, he suggests that she should by saying Elizabeth is getting out of class right now. How’d you know that, Ken? Maria drags Ken with her for emotional support.
Elizabeth notes that nobody’s talking much as they file out of the classroom. She chalks this up to the power of her poem. Er, right. Conner grabs her and is all, “what was THAT about?” and demands she recite the poem to his face. She starts whispering the poem and he shuts her up by slapping duct tape on her mouth - I mean, kissing her.
And of course here’s Maria. She spots Conner and Elizabeth looking all smug and satisfied. Ken says that maybe they didn’t just share a PDA but Maria is determined to find out what is going on. She weeps because Conner was supposed to be HER boyfriend and the only reason she introduced him to Elizabeth was so they could all hang out together. Oh, Maria.
Diary entry - Elizabeth says that kiss rocked her face off.
Diary entry - Conner accepts that he’s in love with Elizabeth.
Jeremy and Jessica are at a party with the football buddies and the mysterious Linda Ford. Jessica goes off with one of the buddies to impart some womanly advice. Another buddy says that Jessica is smokin’ and that every guy in the room wants to make the sex with her. Jeremy says they can’t because “[he’s] put too much work into this.” Creepy, dude. The first buddy hooks up with Linda Ford (it ain’t no big thaaaaaaang) and Jeremy and Jessica dance.
But here comes trouble! Cherie, Gina, Melissa and Will (no Lila, again!) are in front of the house wondering who exactly is in charge of the party. They bitchface and Will wishes he wasn’t trapped in this taco party when they enter and - GASP! - there’s Jessica. Melissa freaks out and Cherie loudly calls Jessica a slut and accuses her of fucking all the dudes at Sweet Valley. Will is horrified and tells Melissa that if she doesn’t apologize to Jessica he’s leaving. Jessica runs off and Will starts the long walk home.
Jeremy gets in the girls’ faces, demanding to know who they are and what they want. The buddy who owns the house tells them to GTFO. Jeremy goes to look for Jessica, but as he walks onto the lawn his mother screeches to a stop in front of the house. Jeremy’s depressed dad has had a heart attack.
Diary entry - Maria writes a list of Why Elizabeth Sucks.
Diary entry - Elizabeth wishes someone had seen her kiss Conner so she could make a public spectacle of herself.
Diary entry - Jessica says she can never leave the house again now that Jeremy knows what a loser slut she is.
Diary entry - Jeremy says the “perfect family act” is over and calls the heart attack “divine intervention.” Deus ex machina?
The last page is an ad for the Official NSYNC Book. I like Lance. He’s dreamy.
We start with the “diary” entries, which is more like someone playing with the fonts in Windows 99. Conner McDermott navel-gazes in a handwriting that can only be called “serial killer” about things that irritate you and attract you at the same time. Elizabeth asks why a guy would mack on you and then run away. Jeremy Ames, in a fake Halloween font, moons over Jessica, calling her “intelligent and totally beautiful.” Last but not least, Jessica makes us a list as to why her life sucks: she got benched in cheerleading practice, she doesn’t have a date on Saturday night, and Elizabeth’s screwed her out of a job. It actually says “Elizabeth decided to be irresponsible for the first time in her perfect existence. She was supposed to work my shift but she never showed, so now I’m jobless.” Way to go, Elizabeth.
Someone named Melissa is having a major meltdown in the parking lot. It’s her senior year and she is supposed to be captain of the cheerleading squad and some bitch named Tia has screwed everything up. Will, her boyfriend, thinks to himself about how she’s a drama queen but standing by her when she freaks is part of being a good boyfriend, but if he wasn’t with her he would be free to date Jessica Wakefield, who I doubt would reduce the drama situation. Then he thinks about how gorgeous and frail Melissa looks with her big blue eyes, even though she’s been crying for two hours. Ouch. Meanwhile this Jeremy bloke turns out to be the captain of the football team, and he’s demeaning himself by working in a coffee shop run by an angry girl named Corey (guess what color her hair is and how much eyeliner she’s wearing!). On his break he uses the oh so retro pink princess phone to dial Jessica Wakefield - but someone else answers and is super cranky to him. He hangs up.
While this is happening, Tia and Andy are at the movies, arguing about what sort of popcorn to get. I would suggest just smuggling candy in but then that would defeat the purpose of this bit of exposition. Anyway, they’re also there with Maria, who is expecting Serial Killer Conner. Tia and Andy try to let Maria know that he probably won’t come, but Maria is determined to wait in the lobby and asks herself, “What would Oprah think?” I feel I should also point out she is wearing a crocheted tank top in this scene.
But finally - we meet Serial Killer Conner! Turns out he’s the super sexy brother of Elizabeth’s good friend Megan. Conner, dressed like an Abercrombie model except, y’know, actually dressed, is invited to play Monopoly with them. There’s a lot of back and forth “if you think you can handle this” and it’s all kind of dirty. For shame.
Diary entry! Drama Queen Melissa says she lost her spot because Tia and Jessica tattled on her for making Jessica miss the pep rally.
Jeremy drives his old Mercedes down the street, thinking about Jessica. But as he pulls into the driveway of his family’s mansion, he notices a large FOR SALE sign. This can’t be good. Turns out that Jeremy’s dad lost his job last year and their savings have been dwindling since and now the whole family, including Jeremy’s little sisters, are all living in the servants’ quarters. When Jeremy walks in his parents are shouting at each other. Jeremy’s dad had a job interview but he’s not too keen on how it went. The book then goes in about how Jeremy thinks his dad sucks because ever since he lost his job he’s been kind of wan and whiny, and really I think his dad is just clinically depressed. I hear you, man. Have you tried looking for a job lately? Jeremy asks his mom why she didn’t tell him, and she says that she didn’t want to burden him. “You should just spend your time being a kid,” she says, to which Jeremy announces that he is NOT a kid and then knocks over his chair, runs to his room, and slams the door. Yeah.
Serial Killer Conner didn’t show up to the movie! Poor Maria. She, Tia, and Andy plan to get coffee the next morning and Maria hopes Conner will be there. Doesn’t it get awkward always hanging around with another couple, Maria?
Elizabeth lost to Conner in Monopoly. He crows over it and Megan leaves them to it. Elizabeth settles in to watch TV but Conner says she should sit by the couch to see the TV better, while he’s lying on the couch! Smooth. Elizabeth sits on the floor and starts to throb (their word, not mine) as Conner puts his hand on her shoulder. She then tries to be all sexy and ends up asking a question about what time his mom will be home. Conner is so disgusted he goes upstairs to write about it in his serial killer diary. The next page is a diary entry from Conner in which he says, “I’ve never had a problem with self-control. This ends now.” Elizabeth is going to be buried under the house by the end of the book, I think.
Jeremy is mowing the lawn at his house because they can’t afford landscapers anymore. He checks his watch and we find out that it’s 8:30 on a Sunday morning, which is a horrible time to mow a lawn. Come on now! His neighbor, who appears to be a leprechaun, judging by the fake Irish accent, passes by and suggests he start his own landscaping business. A light bulb goes off.
Andy, Tia, Maria, and someone named Angel are hanging at the coffee shop. Who are all these teenagers that are up so early on the weekend? This baffles me. Anyway, Maria’s trying to act casual because Conner’s showed up and is described like an International Male catalogue model. Maria suitably embarrasses herself in front of Conner and Conner is weirded out. Tia suggests a great remedy for embarrassment - shopping! Maria declines because she has to work on a project with Ken ‘Night of the Living Dead’ Matthews. We get a paragraph about how he used to be a “superpopular ultrajock” who hasn’t been the same since his girlfriend died in the earthquake. They pour some coffee out on the ground for their fallen comrades. No, not really. They part ways, and on their way out…
We switch to Jeremy’s POV, who comes into the coffee shop to ask the manager to give him more hours. She tells him that she already gave him more and doesn’t want to cut into his social life. He cranks to himself that he doesn’t want one. As he flounces out he bumps into Jessica! He’s so excited he knocks a stack of books out of her arm. Wait, what? The now bookless Jessica says that she got her job back because Elizabeth explained the whole wacky situation to the boss and now she and Jeremy are going to be coworkers. They exchange vibes of unresolved sexual tension.
Maria’s diary. She’s thinking about Romeo and Juliet - if Romeo had checked Juliet for a pulse, or if Juliet had done CPR, they would’ve been okay and the whole thing would be one big misunderstanding. Then she compares her and Conner to Romeo and Juliet. Weird. Maria + Serial Killer Conner = OTP.
It’s Monday! Maria is in the hallway before first period, trying to spy on Conner in a nearby classroom (creepy!) when her history teacher calls her in. They have a heart to heart talk about how she needs to help Ken come out of his shell. Maria is pissed that she has to play therapist, but manages to wrangle a study date out of Ken. I always liked Ken. Hang in there, man.
Jeremy daydreams during football practice about how being a barista won’t save his family’s house. That would be one hell of a latte, though.
Maria is in the library. Ken stood her up; probably because he was too busy mourning his girlfriend that died in the earthquake. LIVE IN THE NOW, KEN. Maria finally decides to leave but when she goes out to her car she’s got a flat tire! She’s about to pitch a hissy fit about changing a tire in chunky heels (to match her “hip hugging black trousers and white knit top” - freshman year of high school what) when Conner appears. It was him! He punctured the tire! Conner acts all nonchalant like he totally didn’t mess up her car and offers to give her a ride to Andy’s so she can hang out with him and Tia, again. While they’re driving, Maria notes his CDs - Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Bob Dylan, and Patsy Cline. She razzes him on the Patsy Cline, which is unfair, in my book. But instead of kicking out the jams, they ride in silence. Conner drops her at Andy’s and she invites him in, but he jokes that she offended him by making fun of Patsy and drives off. Maria feels like she’s made some real progress today.
Will is pulling into an auto body shop. The mysterious Angel from the coffee shop is apparently an older kid who’s full of love advice. Will tells the story so we know why Melissa is a total drama queen: Will cheated on her with Jessica because he couldn’t bring himself to break up with her and Melissa went nuts. Now he wants to dump her to date Jessica but doesn’t want to aggravate Melissa’s delicate emotional state. Angel tells him, in so many words, to stop being a fucking pussy and man up.
Ooh, another diary entry. Jeremy is being emo. I have awesome grades, perfect attendance, I’m captain of the football team - why do I feel like such a failure? Silly Jeremy.
Why is he asking this, you wonder? Because in the lull of making mochaccinos he looks deep into Jessica’s “gorgeous aqua eyes” and asks her to be his date to a party Friday night…and she declines. FAIL.
Maria bitchfaces at Ken for ditching her and it sounds like he’s growing a mullet.
Elizabeth is waiting for Jessica to drive her to Megan’s house and Conner appears, then teases her about being on the paper. He then offers to drive her. NO, ELIZABETH, DON’T GET IN HIS CAR! But of course she does. Gah.
Jeremy is studying when the phone rings. It’s the manager at the coffee shop. Goth girl can’t work the next day and she needs Jeremy to work, even though it’s right after school - which means skipping football practice. He agrees anyway then thinks about how whatever he does, he’s letting someone down. This kid is going to have a nervous breakdown.
Diary entry in the form of an email, from Tia to Conner. She asks why he keeps blowing them off. Oooh, things are getting interesting.
Maria and Jade Wu are waiting tables at a diner. I thought Jade worked in a dry cleaners? (Also, the Hispanic and the Asian waiting tables? Nice.) The bartender points out that the only one keeping him busy is some solitary schlub in the corner, watching ESPN - OMG it’s Ken! Maria slips into the booth and tries to make some chitchat about how can he watch football when he quit the team and it’s all horribly awkward. Ken tells her to fuck off.
Jeremy and some dude named Daniel, who we’ll probably never see again, are discussing Jeremy’s slow attempts at getting with Jessica. When Jessica appears, Daniel disappears, and then the two J’s playfully tug at each others’ aprons and throw things at each other. Jeremy asks her out again and Jessica again declines, saying she has to work on a project. Jeremy thinks that’s a lame excuse until she says she really does have to do a project - cutting out magazine pictures and making a collage that shows who she really is. I’d make some stupid comment here but I spent a psych class in senior year doing that exact same thing. They then decide to make frappuccinos. Mmm.
Elizabeth managed to spill grape juice on her favorite white blouse, so she takes it to the basement to bleach it and wash it - and Serial Killer Conner is hiding in the corner and surprises her. They banter and then she makes fun of the Louis L’Amour book he’s reading, and his attempts to convince her that it’s good. Man, Elizabeth, first Patsy Cline, now Louis L’Amour? Are you trying to pick a fight with my grandpa? They talk about a writing class they have and Conner insinuates that her essay will be some “Save the Whales [shit]” and then disappears and Elizabeth opens the washing machine to check on her shirt. It’ll never get washed that way, Liz.
Poor Jeremy is all tuckered out from working so hard and is trying to watch TV when his eye is caught by a stack of old magazines. He starts to flip and is struck with inspiration! He then proceeds to create Jessica’s project for her, with phrases from ads including “A Powerful Force,” “Sweetly Seductive,” and “a roller coaster ride of excitement.” Jeremy’s mom comes downstairs and remarks that it’s kind of creepy. I’ll say; maybe he and Serial Killer Conner should hook up and they can stalk the Wakefields together. Jeremy’s mom didn’t actually want to talk about his creepy collage; she wanted to justify selling the house to him: she believes moving to a smaller place will “shock” the dad “out of his stupor.” Obviously she hasn’t seen the mortgage rates lately.
Diary entry - another list from Jessica, more about how her life sucks. She believes that Jeremy made it past the gauntlet that is Melissa and Lila (where IS Lila, anyway?) and didn’t hear she was a cocktease and she skipped the game for no reason! And she turned him down to do homework and so that he didn’t think she was slutty. At least Elizabeth gave up her job for Jessica?
Diary entry - Elizabeth’s bad teenage poetry. She’s nervous about getting it right because she has to read it aloud in front of Conner in class. The poem:
She was afraid to look at him
Because he might recognize
The love, longing and secrecy
Betrayed within her eyes.
Don’t quit your day job, sweetie.
Jessica and Elizabeth eat breakfast at the McDermotts and Jessica complains about how she never goes out and gets yelled at by the Fowler’s house staff constantly. Meanwhile Liz is living it up with a totally hot guy. Elizabeth admits Conner is hot (in a serial killer sort of way) but that he has an attitude problem, to which Jessica concedes on account of him crushing Maria’s hopes and dreams. Something clicks, and Jessica is all, OMGWTF you like him!!!11! and Elizabeth is all LOL NO WAI!!!1 and Jessica’s all LOL totally you want to have, a million of his babies!!1!!one. Conner startles them by turning on the stereo and Jessica skips out.
Maria punches Ken in the back of the head during history class and passes him a note that says “Meet me in the library at 3:30 or I tell Mr. Ford to flunk you.” Ken is confused as there’s no place to circle yes or no.
Jeremy and some of his football teammates shoot the shit and do that guy thing where they slap each others’ shoulders and butts. They talk about a blowout party and dating someone named Linda Ford, who I’m pretty sure did a duet with Ozzy Osbourne. They reminisce about stealing Jags as pranks and wonder why Jeremy never invites them over anymore. Jeremy mumbles that he’s busy.
Elizabeth, Tia, and Maria are talking at lunch about skits in French class. Elizabeth wonders if she should tell Maria that Serial Killer Conner gave her a ride in his car (in the front seat, no less, not the trunk like she’s used to) but decides not to. Maria isn’t really into this conversation and decides to do some homework. But oh no! She’s forgotten to write down her English homework, but of course Elizabeth has so she grabs her notebook. BUT…instead of English homework, this notebook is full of Conner’s name written all over and scraps of her bad teenage poem. Maria is horrified. Elizabeth and Tia don’t notice. Poor Maria.
Diary entry - Andy notes that he saw the whole thing but is going to stay mum to see how it plays out between Elizabeth and Maria.
Maria is pissy. How could Elizabeth do this to her? You’re not supposed to date your friend’s ex! What a bitch! She sulks into the library and wonder of wonders, Ken is actually there. Ken makes the misstep of making a smartass comment and Maria explodes at him, screaming out the whole story about how Elizabeth is in love with her ex-boyfriend and kept it a secret and all this. Um, I think Ken kind of wins in the shitty life story, Maria. Ken tells her that she should just talk to Elizabeth. Maria is stunned, not by the sensibility of his advice, but by the fact that he spoke in more than three words.
Will walks into the coffee shop to meet Drama Queen Melissa and her cheerleader friends, but spots Jessica and turns into a mumbling freak. After agonizing if he should talk to Jessica or not, Melissa, Lila (there she is!) and someone named Cherie come in and make smart alecky comments about Jessica. Will directs them to a table and Jessica’s weirded out enough to escape into the stockroom. Will is mildly relieved at having avoided a massive blowout from Melissa.
Jeremy comes into the coffee shop and springs the creepy collage on Jessica. She starts to cry. Not because it’s creepy - she thinks it’s sweet. Of course she does. “Is this really how you see me?” she asks, and Jeremy nods. Jessica asks what time he’ll pick her up for the party. Awwww.
Diary entry - Ken! Ken’s diary entry is about how he’s sick of people trying to analyze him. He did feel pretty good when Maria yelled at him - for once he didn’t have the problem. Schadenfreude!
Diary entry - Jessica’s list, which is just OMG!!-ing over Jeremy’s creepy collage and finally accepting a date with him.
Elizabeth is freaking out in English class about reading her poem aloud. Conner gives her a shit eating grin until she busts out this classic piece of literature:
Your Silence
I sit in your silence, scared.
Waiting patiently for recognition.
For a word.
For a breath.
For a touch.
But I am raw.
Because I watch your hands instead of writing
And listen to your breath instead of breathing.
It’s strange,
How close to you I feel
And the need I have
To help you,
To make you smile.
And yet I’m still sitting here,
Waiting,
For you to let me in.
Conner is stunned. The bell rings.
We switch to Maria, who is quietly fuming about what she’s supposed to do in French class. How should she react to Elizabeth? She usually sits in a group with Liz, Jessica, Tia, and Andy. She can’t just up and go sit next to Drama Queen Melissa; the crazy might rub off on her. When she slams her locker, Ken is up in her grill. He asks if she’s talked to Elizabeth and when she admits she hasn’t, he suggests that she should by saying Elizabeth is getting out of class right now. How’d you know that, Ken? Maria drags Ken with her for emotional support.
Elizabeth notes that nobody’s talking much as they file out of the classroom. She chalks this up to the power of her poem. Er, right. Conner grabs her and is all, “what was THAT about?” and demands she recite the poem to his face. She starts whispering the poem and he shuts her up by slapping duct tape on her mouth - I mean, kissing her.
And of course here’s Maria. She spots Conner and Elizabeth looking all smug and satisfied. Ken says that maybe they didn’t just share a PDA but Maria is determined to find out what is going on. She weeps because Conner was supposed to be HER boyfriend and the only reason she introduced him to Elizabeth was so they could all hang out together. Oh, Maria.
Diary entry - Elizabeth says that kiss rocked her face off.
Diary entry - Conner accepts that he’s in love with Elizabeth.
Jeremy and Jessica are at a party with the football buddies and the mysterious Linda Ford. Jessica goes off with one of the buddies to impart some womanly advice. Another buddy says that Jessica is smokin’ and that every guy in the room wants to make the sex with her. Jeremy says they can’t because “[he’s] put too much work into this.” Creepy, dude. The first buddy hooks up with Linda Ford (it ain’t no big thaaaaaaang) and Jeremy and Jessica dance.
But here comes trouble! Cherie, Gina, Melissa and Will (no Lila, again!) are in front of the house wondering who exactly is in charge of the party. They bitchface and Will wishes he wasn’t trapped in this taco party when they enter and - GASP! - there’s Jessica. Melissa freaks out and Cherie loudly calls Jessica a slut and accuses her of fucking all the dudes at Sweet Valley. Will is horrified and tells Melissa that if she doesn’t apologize to Jessica he’s leaving. Jessica runs off and Will starts the long walk home.
Jeremy gets in the girls’ faces, demanding to know who they are and what they want. The buddy who owns the house tells them to GTFO. Jeremy goes to look for Jessica, but as he walks onto the lawn his mother screeches to a stop in front of the house. Jeremy’s depressed dad has had a heart attack.
Diary entry - Maria writes a list of Why Elizabeth Sucks.
Diary entry - Elizabeth wishes someone had seen her kiss Conner so she could make a public spectacle of herself.
Diary entry - Jessica says she can never leave the house again now that Jeremy knows what a loser slut she is.
Diary entry - Jeremy says the “perfect family act” is over and calls the heart attack “divine intervention.” Deus ex machina?
The last page is an ad for the Official NSYNC Book. I like Lance. He’s dreamy.