Sweet Valley High #31: Taking Sides
Wee. I'm so excited. I orders Taking Sides online and it came today. It's all pretty and new looking. All my old Sweet Valley novels have the spines broken and yellowed pages. This one looks like its never been opened. I'm gonna crack it though because that's how much I love you, 1bruce1.
Anyway, I can't find a good picture of the cover online. Found! On it Liz and Jessica are supposed to be glaring at each other, but it looks more like they're having a staring contest. I think Jessica is going to blink first because Liz is wearing a shirt that matches her barrettes and that would freak anyone out. At least it always freaks me out when she does it. When I see those barrettes coming, I head for the hills, people.
Liz, Enid Jess and Lila are laying out on the Sweet Valley High lawn and catching some rays. Do they ever actually do schoolwork at school? (Why do I ask questions I already know the answer to?) Lila generously allows Jessica to borrow her cassette player for the week. The Fowlers have five cassette players. I guess this is supposed to show how rich and extravagant Lila's life is (she has one of those new fangled computers too!). I already know how great she is, so I just wonder why a family of two people needs five cassette players. Unless they're really crappy?
Jessica points out the “new guy from Oregon” who moved to Sweet Valley last week. It's my beloved Jeffrey French, of course. Lila announces that he must be romantic with a name like French. Lame! You can do better, Lila. Liz is perturbed because Enid has a crush on Jeffrey. And I don't think I need to tell you that Liz decides to make Enid's love life her business. She tries to throw Lila off by saying Jeffrey was raised on a farm and likes the outdoors. Lila is “hurt” that people think she's so shallow. Aw, now I kinda want Lila and Jeffrey to get together because you know Liz just ditches him for Todd Punch and breaks his little heart.
Then we cut to after school. Apparently the twins' cousin, Jenny Townsend, is coming to stay at Casa Wakefield for two weeks. Two weeks? I like my cousins, but I wouldn't put up with them in my house for two weeks. And how many cousins do the Wakefield's have? It seems like there are as many of them as there are insane doppelgangers. Just sayin'. Anyway, Jessica doesn't like Jenny because Jenny follows her around and looks up to her. Yeah, that must be annoying to be worshiped. It's only all Jessica ever wanted.
Both twins are really self-centered about Jenny's arrival (although Liz condescendingly tells Jessica off for her behavior, of course). See, Liz has a food drive thing that the Oracle staff is doing and she already had that nosing into Enid's love life scheduled, so she'll be busy. And Jessica has a new boyfriend, Eddie Winters, who is on the swim team. Jessica's swimfan. So they're both put out that they have to deal with Jenny when they've got other things on their mind. Jessica even more so when she learns Jenny is to sleep in her room.
Later, Enid whines to Liz that Jeffrey is so special and will never go for her. Apparently, Enid still has issues from that losing her boyfriend/plane crash/fake paralysis thing. Okay, it's tough love time. Enid, quit yer bitchin'. That plane thing was eleven whole books ago. Jessica has had at least forty two boyfriends since then. Yes, Jeffrey is awesome but, Enid, you're awesome too! Now cowboy up and ask the boy out before Liz steals him out from under you! ... Oh wait, you missed it. Sorry. Jeffrey is going to be a photographer for the Oracle and he'll be spending a lot of time with Liz. Enid thinks that's great because Liz will help her. Suddenly I understand why “Alex” is so pissed off in Sweet Valley University.
Liz also says more nasty things about Lila in this passage. Boy that Elizabeth Wakefield is a bitch. Why is anyone friends with her?
Then Enid is suddenly gone (bwah?) and Ned arrives home with Jenny in tow. Jenny, we're told, has frizzy hair, glasses and is “at least ten pounds” overweight. Ten pounds! Oh my god the horror! The humanity! How can they stand to have this lump of human flesh in their home?! Jesus, save them! And it gets worse. She wears pink sweats. The ghostwriter tells us that the only glamorous thing about her is that she lives in Dallas. I know I'm not supposed to mess with Texas and all, but what's glamorous about Dallas? Was it the TV show? Does the ghostwriter want Patrick Duffy in her shower? Is that what she's telling us?
Jenny tells the twins she's on a diet and she wants to look just like them. I always knew the perfect size six would cause eating disorders. Jenny is patient zero.
Lila, Jess and Jenny go to Casey's to stalk Jeffrey. They sit with Eddie and Ken Matthews. Jessica is disgusted that Jenny eats a banana split. It's an ice cream parlor, what was she supposed to eat? At least it has fruit in it! Jessica is further annoyed that Jeffrey doesn't show up on schedule. She hates waiting for people since she thinks the world revolves around her and all. Jenny talks about boring books the whole time. Jessica thinks it's so nice that Eddie indulges her and listens. Then Jeffrey and Aaron show up. Lila asks Jeffrey about his farm, and mentions she's thinking of getting a horse. Jeffrey is like, “Uh, it was a tree farm.” Ooh that makes me think of Christmas trees, and Christmas and everything happy and lovely. ... I might need a moment alone.
Lila then announces she's having a pool party the next day (news to Jessica), and she invites Jeffrey. Jenny excitedly asks if she can go too and Lila says yes because Lila is not rude like some Wakefields. Later, Jenny says she likes Eddie better than Jeffrey (pah!) and she doesn't understand why everyone is fighting over him. Jess is like, “what do you mean?” So Jenny tells her she overheard Liz talking to Enid about him. Jessica immediately takes her friend's side and convinces Jenny not to tell Liz about the pool party tomorrow. She says that Lila doesn't like Liz. We're told this is a “white lie” but I bet it's true. Lila's smart.
At the party, Jeffrey, Eddie and Jenny play volleyball in the pool with the others. This annoys both Lila and Jessica who want to spend time with their respective crushes. Neither of them think to go in the water and play, I guess. Weirdly, Jessica refers to Jenny as a “child” in this scene, when she sees Eddie giving her a piggyback ride. But Liz told us earlier she was fifteen, which means she's only one year younger than the twins (unless they really are 40, like they appear on the cover). Hardly a child, I would think.
But the next day, Jenny promptly spills the beans about the party to Liz. Liz is incredibly patronizing while interrogating her, like she's her mother or something. Liz is furious with Jessica and goes to call Enid right away to plot counter measures. Enid is horrified to learn Jessica is on Lila's side. She says Jessica always gets her way. Enid hasn't read the last thirty books. She's annoying me now. They're all annoying me. Can't a boy just pick who he actually likes with all you girls getting up in his business?
Eddie then shows up at Casa Wakefield. Jessica tries to ditch Jenny, but Jenny doesn't “take a hint.” And Eddie actually invites her to hang out with them (you see where this is going, don't you?). She never leaves Jess and Eddie alone the entire time he's there and Jessica is furious. She goes and complains to Alice, asking if it's okay to tell Jenny to get lost. Predictably, Alice says no. Jess, did you really think she'd say, “By all means, tell my niece to go fuck herself”? Wait, don't answer that.
At school, Liz and Penny work on the food drive. Liz can't believe there are hungry people in Sweet Valley. Lucky, SVH is having the food drive week. Because one week's worth of work will surely fix the problem. Apparently, the food drive week culminates with an auction on Friday and a beach party on Sunday. It's a beach party for charity, ya'll. Hilarious. Because what helps the poor more than watching rich people have fun whilst they get sand in their food? Mmm. Grainy food.
Mr. Collins shows up and says Jeffrey is supposed to stop by but he has to go pick up Teddy (I bet). Penny can't stay either for contrivance reasons. So Liz gets some quality alone time with Jeffrey. At first, he mistakes her from Jessica and we have to get the “they're so different” spiel for a second time in this book. They begin talking and laughing. Liz looks at the clock and realizes a lot of time has passed and she hasn't even mentioned Enid. What a terrible friend!
Liz tricks him into agreeing to go to the volleyball game that night, saying she was supposed to go with Enid but now she can't because of Jenny, could Jeffrey please go in her place. Jeffrey agrees as a favor to her. Then he asks her to go to Casey's with him to get “a Coke.” At first I thought he said just “coke” no “a” and they were gonna do drugs. I think Jeffrey knows this story would be better if we were all high. Liz doesn't understand why he looks sad when she says no.
Poor Jeffrey, cursed with love for Liz. This book is a tragedy, really.
Liz then goes to Enid's place and tells her about the volleyball game. Enid calls her the best friend in the world (lies!) and asks for details. Enid picks up on a Liz's discomfort when she talks about Jeffrey. She asks what's bothering Liz, who says it's nothing. But she thinks it's because she would “never” try to fix people up because it was “embarrassing” and people were “smart enough” to figure things out on their own. This is lies, more lies, and holy crap a lot of lies. Liz loves getting up in everyone else's business.
But Enid phones Liz later and says the Jeffrey didn't show up to the game, and she felt like a loser. Jenny and Jessica promptly arrive home to explain why to us. They were at the Beach Disco (Eddie danced with Jenny three times!) and Jeffrey was there. Lila danced with Jeffrey. This makes Liz upset and she doesn't know why. I'll give you a hint, Liz, it's because Jeffrey is a sexy beast.
Hilariously, Jenny tells Jessica that Eddie told her he still can't tell Liz and Jessica apart. Oh yeah, he's so in love with her!
Jeffrey spots Liz at school the next day. She acts prissy because he danced with Lila. Like she had dibs on him or something. Jeffrey thinks she's a crazy person. No, really. He tells her she said she was going out with Jenny that night and he saw Jenny with Jessica... and he went with them to the Beach Disco, how come Liz lied to him? I love this sequence. Liz, you are a terrible meddler.
Enid whines some more. Lila bought Jeffrey a new camera and tripod (kinda dirty?) but he wouldn't accept them because they were too expensive. Lila wants to be his sugar mommy. Liz says she's trying to buy him and Enid gets an idea. She tells Liz to convince Jeffrey to auction himself at the charity auction and Enid will buy him. Remember girls, men are meat.
Liz has to get Jeffrey to agree to this stupid plan. He thinks it sounds “egotistical” to auction off a date with himself at the food rally. Yeah, what he said. Liz protests it's just good fun. Finally he agrees, because he thinks she's asking him to do this so she can buy him. She's already got him jumpin' through hoops.
Lila shows up in her lime green Triumph (I want a lime green Triumph. Let's all pool our money and buy this one on ebay. We'll share it.). She's bought tickets to a pro-soccer game in Los Angels-tonight. Jeffrey goes with her, feeling badly that she went to all that trouble to get the tickets.
At school, Jessica corners Enid to be a bitch to her. Lila spots her with Enid and thinks she's Liz. Jessica is not amused. She's touchy about looking like Liz now that Eddie can't tell them apart. Enid then fakes them out but asking them to help out at the auction. They both come up with excuses, thus assuring that they won't be there when Jeffrey puts himself up for auction. See? This is the Enid I like. She's smart.
Winston is the MC at the auction. Okay, so this auction. I failed to mention it, but you win stuff by donating more food items than other people. They don't use money. Enid hauls in three boxes of canned good. Whoa, homegirl is prepared. The items auctioned off are tickets to some concert, a cassette tape of the Droids, a home-cooked dinner with Mr. Collins (dirty!), the red pen the French teacher uses, a “candid” picture of Bruce Patman in a bathing suit (I want that one!), and... Jeffrey French! Enid busy him with 75 cans. I think that's a bargain, myself. I'd never sell my body for less than 100 cans.
Jessica and Eddie were supposed to have their first “real” date that night, but of course he said Jenny could come along. She suggested the movie Wuthering Heights and he agreed. Jessica hated it, of course. It was in black and white! Jessica thinks even though Jenny's frizzy hair is neatly combed and she magically got contact lenses for tonight, she is still chubby. Cruelly, she adds that Jenny should “stick to three meals a day.” Jenny suggests they go to the Dairi Burger. Jessica says she's not hungry. Eddie says he likes burgers. This is really dull. Obviously Eddie likes Jenny better. I'm skipping ahead.
Jessica sees Enid and Jeffrey at the Dairi Burger and is furious. She goes over and plops herself down in the middle of their 75 can date. When Enid gets up for a second, Jessica asks him if he's on a date with Enid and he explains about the auction. He says he was flattered because he was afraid no one would bid on him. Jessica realizes Enid tricked her. Oddly, it's Elizabeth she's pissed at. She can't believe her twin would do this to her. Just read that sentence over again. The twins make everything about them.
On their date, Enid realizes she and Jeffrey just don't click. She thinks he's nice enough and is a gentleman and all, but she made dating him out to be a bigger deal that it was. Oh, I'm not so mad at her anymore. I do that myself with guys. You get all worked up and then you're like, “Right, yeah, I don't really care.” Of course this is just a convenient out for Liz, plot-wise. St. Elizabeth would never steal her best friend's man!
Jenny gets Jessica up early on Sunday and get ready for the beach party (for charity!). Jessica wants to sit out by the pool before the beach party because she thinks her tan has faded. That's just the cancer going into remission, Jessica.
Lila and Jessica embark on a scheme to get back at Liz and Enid for... scheming. Jessica takes the Fiat Spider, leaving Liz, Enid and Jenny stranded. They have to take the bus (the bus!) to the beach party. Liz is still trying to convince Enid to go after Jeffrey, even though he's not interested. She doesn't want to “lose” to Jessica.
Jeffrey is dancing with Lila who is wearing gold high heels (awesome!), and tells Jeffrey that she needs his help for the Oracle. Lila pouts and calls him “Jeffie” (not awesome! Make it stop!). Liz then forces him to “interview” (isn't he a photographer?) Enid for the paper, since she organized the auction yesterday. Enid and Jeffrey are embarrassed. They're embarrassed for you, Liz.
Jessica sees what's happening and starts yelling at Liz. They fight. Jess says Jeffrey is obviously not interested in Enid. Liz counters that he's obviously not interested in Lila! Then Liz starts to cry because she's just. so. confused. When she returns to Enid, Jeffrey is gone. Liz yells at her for letting him get away. Enid is like, give it a rest already, blondie. But Liz rushes off after Jeffrey again because she physically incapable of not meddling.
Jeffrey confronts her this time. He wants to know what gives with her shoving Enid down his throat. He totally tells her off. It's awesome you guys. I was gonna quote the whole thing because I love when Liz gets called on her shit, but it's kinda long. The gist is that he's capable of thinking for himself, thank you very much, and doesn't need her deciding things for him.
Liz realizes that Enid, Jessica and Jeffrey are all mad at her now and she's made a botch of everything. She sinks down in the sand (melodramatically) and starts to cry. Jessica comes over and comforts her sister. Aw, I like it when they behave like actual sisters. She says she was at least as wrong as Liz was. Ha! Then she starts saying that Jeffrey wasn't worth all the effort but Liz protests how great he is. Jessica, apparently the bright one in the family, realizes Liz likes Jeffrey and tells her so. Jessica actually has to explain to Liz that she's in love with Jeffrey. I'm not making this shit up.
To make Liz feel better about screwing everything up with Jeffrey, Jess tells her that Eddie is slow dancing with Jenny. I like how blithe Jessica is about it though. She says if Eddie likes Jenny then it's not worth bothering over. And while this is condescending as hell towards Jenny, I think it's a better reaction then sobbing in the sand and crying “why me?”
Liz has a lame talk with Jenny in which Jenny says she read book that said it was never to late for love. And then Liz has another lame talk with Enid in which Enid tells her what a good friend Liz is for falling in love with the guy she was trying to fix Enid up with. Enid has to convince Liz not to give up and let Lila have Jeffrey using some of the same words Liz used on Enid in the beginning. It's so lame it hurts.
Liz cuts in on Lila and Jeffrey's dance. She apologizes for foisting Enid on him. He tells her she's stupid because he's already taken. Taken by who? It's her! Shocking. Then he kisses her. She tells him she'll never let him go so long as Todd is in Vermont.
Lila goes to complain to Jessica about the Jeffrey/Liz situation. Jessica convinces her that Liz really needed a guy and Lila has so many, it's only fair. Lila agrees, “I really do have an outstanding social life” she says. I love you, Lila. I do. Then Mr. Collins interrupts the two of them. He thought Jessica was Liz-oops! Teddy asks his father which twin Jessica is. Jessica decides she's fed up with being confused with Liz and is going to do something drastic about it in #32: The New Jessica.
Anyway, I can't find a good picture of the cover online. Found! On it Liz and Jessica are supposed to be glaring at each other, but it looks more like they're having a staring contest. I think Jessica is going to blink first because Liz is wearing a shirt that matches her barrettes and that would freak anyone out. At least it always freaks me out when she does it. When I see those barrettes coming, I head for the hills, people.
Liz, Enid Jess and Lila are laying out on the Sweet Valley High lawn and catching some rays. Do they ever actually do schoolwork at school? (Why do I ask questions I already know the answer to?) Lila generously allows Jessica to borrow her cassette player for the week. The Fowlers have five cassette players. I guess this is supposed to show how rich and extravagant Lila's life is (she has one of those new fangled computers too!). I already know how great she is, so I just wonder why a family of two people needs five cassette players. Unless they're really crappy?
Jessica points out the “new guy from Oregon” who moved to Sweet Valley last week. It's my beloved Jeffrey French, of course. Lila announces that he must be romantic with a name like French. Lame! You can do better, Lila. Liz is perturbed because Enid has a crush on Jeffrey. And I don't think I need to tell you that Liz decides to make Enid's love life her business. She tries to throw Lila off by saying Jeffrey was raised on a farm and likes the outdoors. Lila is “hurt” that people think she's so shallow. Aw, now I kinda want Lila and Jeffrey to get together because you know Liz just ditches him for Todd Punch and breaks his little heart.
Then we cut to after school. Apparently the twins' cousin, Jenny Townsend, is coming to stay at Casa Wakefield for two weeks. Two weeks? I like my cousins, but I wouldn't put up with them in my house for two weeks. And how many cousins do the Wakefield's have? It seems like there are as many of them as there are insane doppelgangers. Just sayin'. Anyway, Jessica doesn't like Jenny because Jenny follows her around and looks up to her. Yeah, that must be annoying to be worshiped. It's only all Jessica ever wanted.
Both twins are really self-centered about Jenny's arrival (although Liz condescendingly tells Jessica off for her behavior, of course). See, Liz has a food drive thing that the Oracle staff is doing and she already had that nosing into Enid's love life scheduled, so she'll be busy. And Jessica has a new boyfriend, Eddie Winters, who is on the swim team. Jessica's swimfan. So they're both put out that they have to deal with Jenny when they've got other things on their mind. Jessica even more so when she learns Jenny is to sleep in her room.
Later, Enid whines to Liz that Jeffrey is so special and will never go for her. Apparently, Enid still has issues from that losing her boyfriend/plane crash/fake paralysis thing. Okay, it's tough love time. Enid, quit yer bitchin'. That plane thing was eleven whole books ago. Jessica has had at least forty two boyfriends since then. Yes, Jeffrey is awesome but, Enid, you're awesome too! Now cowboy up and ask the boy out before Liz steals him out from under you! ... Oh wait, you missed it. Sorry. Jeffrey is going to be a photographer for the Oracle and he'll be spending a lot of time with Liz. Enid thinks that's great because Liz will help her. Suddenly I understand why “Alex” is so pissed off in Sweet Valley University.
Liz also says more nasty things about Lila in this passage. Boy that Elizabeth Wakefield is a bitch. Why is anyone friends with her?
Then Enid is suddenly gone (bwah?) and Ned arrives home with Jenny in tow. Jenny, we're told, has frizzy hair, glasses and is “at least ten pounds” overweight. Ten pounds! Oh my god the horror! The humanity! How can they stand to have this lump of human flesh in their home?! Jesus, save them! And it gets worse. She wears pink sweats. The ghostwriter tells us that the only glamorous thing about her is that she lives in Dallas. I know I'm not supposed to mess with Texas and all, but what's glamorous about Dallas? Was it the TV show? Does the ghostwriter want Patrick Duffy in her shower? Is that what she's telling us?
Jenny tells the twins she's on a diet and she wants to look just like them. I always knew the perfect size six would cause eating disorders. Jenny is patient zero.
Lila, Jess and Jenny go to Casey's to stalk Jeffrey. They sit with Eddie and Ken Matthews. Jessica is disgusted that Jenny eats a banana split. It's an ice cream parlor, what was she supposed to eat? At least it has fruit in it! Jessica is further annoyed that Jeffrey doesn't show up on schedule. She hates waiting for people since she thinks the world revolves around her and all. Jenny talks about boring books the whole time. Jessica thinks it's so nice that Eddie indulges her and listens. Then Jeffrey and Aaron show up. Lila asks Jeffrey about his farm, and mentions she's thinking of getting a horse. Jeffrey is like, “Uh, it was a tree farm.” Ooh that makes me think of Christmas trees, and Christmas and everything happy and lovely. ... I might need a moment alone.
Lila then announces she's having a pool party the next day (news to Jessica), and she invites Jeffrey. Jenny excitedly asks if she can go too and Lila says yes because Lila is not rude like some Wakefields. Later, Jenny says she likes Eddie better than Jeffrey (pah!) and she doesn't understand why everyone is fighting over him. Jess is like, “what do you mean?” So Jenny tells her she overheard Liz talking to Enid about him. Jessica immediately takes her friend's side and convinces Jenny not to tell Liz about the pool party tomorrow. She says that Lila doesn't like Liz. We're told this is a “white lie” but I bet it's true. Lila's smart.
At the party, Jeffrey, Eddie and Jenny play volleyball in the pool with the others. This annoys both Lila and Jessica who want to spend time with their respective crushes. Neither of them think to go in the water and play, I guess. Weirdly, Jessica refers to Jenny as a “child” in this scene, when she sees Eddie giving her a piggyback ride. But Liz told us earlier she was fifteen, which means she's only one year younger than the twins (unless they really are 40, like they appear on the cover). Hardly a child, I would think.
But the next day, Jenny promptly spills the beans about the party to Liz. Liz is incredibly patronizing while interrogating her, like she's her mother or something. Liz is furious with Jessica and goes to call Enid right away to plot counter measures. Enid is horrified to learn Jessica is on Lila's side. She says Jessica always gets her way. Enid hasn't read the last thirty books. She's annoying me now. They're all annoying me. Can't a boy just pick who he actually likes with all you girls getting up in his business?
Eddie then shows up at Casa Wakefield. Jessica tries to ditch Jenny, but Jenny doesn't “take a hint.” And Eddie actually invites her to hang out with them (you see where this is going, don't you?). She never leaves Jess and Eddie alone the entire time he's there and Jessica is furious. She goes and complains to Alice, asking if it's okay to tell Jenny to get lost. Predictably, Alice says no. Jess, did you really think she'd say, “By all means, tell my niece to go fuck herself”? Wait, don't answer that.
At school, Liz and Penny work on the food drive. Liz can't believe there are hungry people in Sweet Valley. Lucky, SVH is having the food drive week. Because one week's worth of work will surely fix the problem. Apparently, the food drive week culminates with an auction on Friday and a beach party on Sunday. It's a beach party for charity, ya'll. Hilarious. Because what helps the poor more than watching rich people have fun whilst they get sand in their food? Mmm. Grainy food.
Mr. Collins shows up and says Jeffrey is supposed to stop by but he has to go pick up Teddy (I bet). Penny can't stay either for contrivance reasons. So Liz gets some quality alone time with Jeffrey. At first, he mistakes her from Jessica and we have to get the “they're so different” spiel for a second time in this book. They begin talking and laughing. Liz looks at the clock and realizes a lot of time has passed and she hasn't even mentioned Enid. What a terrible friend!
Liz tricks him into agreeing to go to the volleyball game that night, saying she was supposed to go with Enid but now she can't because of Jenny, could Jeffrey please go in her place. Jeffrey agrees as a favor to her. Then he asks her to go to Casey's with him to get “a Coke.” At first I thought he said just “coke” no “a” and they were gonna do drugs. I think Jeffrey knows this story would be better if we were all high. Liz doesn't understand why he looks sad when she says no.
Poor Jeffrey, cursed with love for Liz. This book is a tragedy, really.
Liz then goes to Enid's place and tells her about the volleyball game. Enid calls her the best friend in the world (lies!) and asks for details. Enid picks up on a Liz's discomfort when she talks about Jeffrey. She asks what's bothering Liz, who says it's nothing. But she thinks it's because she would “never” try to fix people up because it was “embarrassing” and people were “smart enough” to figure things out on their own. This is lies, more lies, and holy crap a lot of lies. Liz loves getting up in everyone else's business.
But Enid phones Liz later and says the Jeffrey didn't show up to the game, and she felt like a loser. Jenny and Jessica promptly arrive home to explain why to us. They were at the Beach Disco (Eddie danced with Jenny three times!) and Jeffrey was there. Lila danced with Jeffrey. This makes Liz upset and she doesn't know why. I'll give you a hint, Liz, it's because Jeffrey is a sexy beast.
Hilariously, Jenny tells Jessica that Eddie told her he still can't tell Liz and Jessica apart. Oh yeah, he's so in love with her!
Jeffrey spots Liz at school the next day. She acts prissy because he danced with Lila. Like she had dibs on him or something. Jeffrey thinks she's a crazy person. No, really. He tells her she said she was going out with Jenny that night and he saw Jenny with Jessica... and he went with them to the Beach Disco, how come Liz lied to him? I love this sequence. Liz, you are a terrible meddler.
Enid whines some more. Lila bought Jeffrey a new camera and tripod (kinda dirty?) but he wouldn't accept them because they were too expensive. Lila wants to be his sugar mommy. Liz says she's trying to buy him and Enid gets an idea. She tells Liz to convince Jeffrey to auction himself at the charity auction and Enid will buy him. Remember girls, men are meat.
Liz has to get Jeffrey to agree to this stupid plan. He thinks it sounds “egotistical” to auction off a date with himself at the food rally. Yeah, what he said. Liz protests it's just good fun. Finally he agrees, because he thinks she's asking him to do this so she can buy him. She's already got him jumpin' through hoops.
Lila shows up in her lime green Triumph (I want a lime green Triumph. Let's all pool our money and buy this one on ebay. We'll share it.). She's bought tickets to a pro-soccer game in Los Angels-tonight. Jeffrey goes with her, feeling badly that she went to all that trouble to get the tickets.
At school, Jessica corners Enid to be a bitch to her. Lila spots her with Enid and thinks she's Liz. Jessica is not amused. She's touchy about looking like Liz now that Eddie can't tell them apart. Enid then fakes them out but asking them to help out at the auction. They both come up with excuses, thus assuring that they won't be there when Jeffrey puts himself up for auction. See? This is the Enid I like. She's smart.
Winston is the MC at the auction. Okay, so this auction. I failed to mention it, but you win stuff by donating more food items than other people. They don't use money. Enid hauls in three boxes of canned good. Whoa, homegirl is prepared. The items auctioned off are tickets to some concert, a cassette tape of the Droids, a home-cooked dinner with Mr. Collins (dirty!), the red pen the French teacher uses, a “candid” picture of Bruce Patman in a bathing suit (I want that one!), and... Jeffrey French! Enid busy him with 75 cans. I think that's a bargain, myself. I'd never sell my body for less than 100 cans.
Jessica and Eddie were supposed to have their first “real” date that night, but of course he said Jenny could come along. She suggested the movie Wuthering Heights and he agreed. Jessica hated it, of course. It was in black and white! Jessica thinks even though Jenny's frizzy hair is neatly combed and she magically got contact lenses for tonight, she is still chubby. Cruelly, she adds that Jenny should “stick to three meals a day.” Jenny suggests they go to the Dairi Burger. Jessica says she's not hungry. Eddie says he likes burgers. This is really dull. Obviously Eddie likes Jenny better. I'm skipping ahead.
Jessica sees Enid and Jeffrey at the Dairi Burger and is furious. She goes over and plops herself down in the middle of their 75 can date. When Enid gets up for a second, Jessica asks him if he's on a date with Enid and he explains about the auction. He says he was flattered because he was afraid no one would bid on him. Jessica realizes Enid tricked her. Oddly, it's Elizabeth she's pissed at. She can't believe her twin would do this to her. Just read that sentence over again. The twins make everything about them.
On their date, Enid realizes she and Jeffrey just don't click. She thinks he's nice enough and is a gentleman and all, but she made dating him out to be a bigger deal that it was. Oh, I'm not so mad at her anymore. I do that myself with guys. You get all worked up and then you're like, “Right, yeah, I don't really care.” Of course this is just a convenient out for Liz, plot-wise. St. Elizabeth would never steal her best friend's man!
Jenny gets Jessica up early on Sunday and get ready for the beach party (for charity!). Jessica wants to sit out by the pool before the beach party because she thinks her tan has faded. That's just the cancer going into remission, Jessica.
Lila and Jessica embark on a scheme to get back at Liz and Enid for... scheming. Jessica takes the Fiat Spider, leaving Liz, Enid and Jenny stranded. They have to take the bus (the bus!) to the beach party. Liz is still trying to convince Enid to go after Jeffrey, even though he's not interested. She doesn't want to “lose” to Jessica.
Jeffrey is dancing with Lila who is wearing gold high heels (awesome!), and tells Jeffrey that she needs his help for the Oracle. Lila pouts and calls him “Jeffie” (not awesome! Make it stop!). Liz then forces him to “interview” (isn't he a photographer?) Enid for the paper, since she organized the auction yesterday. Enid and Jeffrey are embarrassed. They're embarrassed for you, Liz.
Jessica sees what's happening and starts yelling at Liz. They fight. Jess says Jeffrey is obviously not interested in Enid. Liz counters that he's obviously not interested in Lila! Then Liz starts to cry because she's just. so. confused. When she returns to Enid, Jeffrey is gone. Liz yells at her for letting him get away. Enid is like, give it a rest already, blondie. But Liz rushes off after Jeffrey again because she physically incapable of not meddling.
Jeffrey confronts her this time. He wants to know what gives with her shoving Enid down his throat. He totally tells her off. It's awesome you guys. I was gonna quote the whole thing because I love when Liz gets called on her shit, but it's kinda long. The gist is that he's capable of thinking for himself, thank you very much, and doesn't need her deciding things for him.
Liz realizes that Enid, Jessica and Jeffrey are all mad at her now and she's made a botch of everything. She sinks down in the sand (melodramatically) and starts to cry. Jessica comes over and comforts her sister. Aw, I like it when they behave like actual sisters. She says she was at least as wrong as Liz was. Ha! Then she starts saying that Jeffrey wasn't worth all the effort but Liz protests how great he is. Jessica, apparently the bright one in the family, realizes Liz likes Jeffrey and tells her so. Jessica actually has to explain to Liz that she's in love with Jeffrey. I'm not making this shit up.
To make Liz feel better about screwing everything up with Jeffrey, Jess tells her that Eddie is slow dancing with Jenny. I like how blithe Jessica is about it though. She says if Eddie likes Jenny then it's not worth bothering over. And while this is condescending as hell towards Jenny, I think it's a better reaction then sobbing in the sand and crying “why me?”
Liz has a lame talk with Jenny in which Jenny says she read book that said it was never to late for love. And then Liz has another lame talk with Enid in which Enid tells her what a good friend Liz is for falling in love with the guy she was trying to fix Enid up with. Enid has to convince Liz not to give up and let Lila have Jeffrey using some of the same words Liz used on Enid in the beginning. It's so lame it hurts.
Liz cuts in on Lila and Jeffrey's dance. She apologizes for foisting Enid on him. He tells her she's stupid because he's already taken. Taken by who? It's her! Shocking. Then he kisses her. She tells him she'll never let him go so long as Todd is in Vermont.
Lila goes to complain to Jessica about the Jeffrey/Liz situation. Jessica convinces her that Liz really needed a guy and Lila has so many, it's only fair. Lila agrees, “I really do have an outstanding social life” she says. I love you, Lila. I do. Then Mr. Collins interrupts the two of them. He thought Jessica was Liz-oops! Teddy asks his father which twin Jessica is. Jessica decides she's fed up with being confused with Liz and is going to do something drastic about it in #32: The New Jessica.