Unicorn Club #22: Jessica's Dream Date
Hello! This is my first recap. Unlike most people here, it seems, I grew up on SVK and SVT and never fully transitioned to SVH/SVU -- the insane partner switching and distinct lack of Aaron Dallas (Jess/Aaron 4EVA!) confused and upset me. SO I thought my first recap would be an Aaron book, but as it turns out, this book is so...amazing that it had to come first. I hope I can do it justice.
The cover:
Johnny Buck looks like a douchebag, which we will find is apt, and Jessica looks...terrible, really. Fail, artists. But they did a good job of making her look like a thirteen year old fangirl; she just looks really young here.
~~~
Our tale begins outside the Sweet Valley Bakery, where Kimberly Haver is halfheartedly trying to stop Jess from stealing a Johnny Buck poster pasted on the wall. Kimberly notes that stealing "is probably a crime or something," revealing the quality of a Sweet Valley education.
Mission accomplished, the two head to Casey's to watch Sweet Talk, "the hip teen talk and video show." Sounds like TRL to me (this book was written in 1998). The Unicorns: Ellen, Lila, Rachel Grant (who?), and Mandy are at a table eating "mint vanilla and chocolate chip cookie dough sundaes--a Casey's specialty." Here I pause and try to parse this description. Is it a three scoop sundae with a comma missing between "mint" and "vanilla"? Or is there actually "mint vanilla"? Well, never mind.
Liz is at a table with Maria Slater, Evie Kim, and Mary Wallace, who are apparently in a different club called the Angels. Whoa, back up! I must have missed something. Somebody needs to recap this split; I'm sure it's awesome. This is basically the last we'll hear of these people in this book, anyway.
Apparently everyone in Sweet Valley is at Casey's, because Johnny Buck is "the kind of star guys and girls like," according to Jess. I'm sorry, but I can't think of a real world analogue for Johnny. Turns out he's putting on a benefit concert for the Sweet Valley Children's Hospital, which is a leading institute in cancer research. The concert has sold "thousands of dollars" worth of tickets. Wow, Johnny. Way to have...dozens of fans.
But that's not all! Sweet Talk is sponsoring a contest for a fan to show Johnny around Sweet Valley when he comes to town. I remember when MTV used to arrange this sort of thing for celebrities to meet fans. You'd have to humiliate yourself in the worst way possible to win the occasion; here, all that's required is a postcard with your name, address, and phone number. The hell? Way to invite ballot stuffing and stalkers via a COMPLETE lack of a screening process!
Today Johnny is on the show to pick the winner. While the gang waits, Jess shows off her poster. Lila offers to buy it, but Jess plans to get it autographed. "Don't embarrass me," Lila says of Jess's rampant fangirling. REMEMBER THESE WORDS. Then we get a reminder of how rich Lila's dad is; in fact, he's gotten her VIP passes to the concert! She's sharing them with the Unicorns, but that hasn't stopped her from rubbing her "generosity" in their faces.
We find out Jess has a "super-gargantuan-bigger-than-the-whole-galaxy" crush on Johnny Buck. He's smart, funny, handsome, you name it. Also, Jess thinks, Only a real humanitarian would take the time to do a free concert for the hospital. Well, if you say so. This part is so sweet:
Jessica hugged the poster a little closer to her heart and tried to send a little extrastrength wish into the universe.
Oh, Jess.
Finally Sweet Talk starts and we get to see Johnny's new video for "Messenger of Love." And, okay. It goes like this: Johnny drives on his motorcycle past a beautiful blonde, dives in jeans and no shirt off a cliff into a waterfall and swims to shore with said girl, rides bareback on a horse with her ("so romantic and cool, Jessica actually shivered"), and finally, Johnny and the girl holds hands down a "quaint street" before he kisses her, gets on his motorcycle, and rides away.
Wow. That sounds terrible. But the book is careful to explain that despite Johnny's penchant for horrible ballads, he's REALLY a rock 'n' roller. Righty, then.
Do I even have to tell you what happens next? Oh, all right. Johnny draws Jessica's name! While she sits in shock, the Unicorns act like they've won the Olympics or something. Except for Lila, who is pissed that her VIP thunder has been stolen.
~~~
The next morning at breakfast, Steven mocks Jessica for thinking Johnny would be interested in "a little kid." Which, I appreciate the sentiment, I do, but what gives, Steven? It does sound kind of exciting to play host to any major celebrity, I'd think. Then again, he's always oddly jealous when it comes to Jess. I will be quoting the rest of his lines in this scene, because they're just that funny. By the way, they never say, but I get the impression Johnny is about 17 or 18. In which case, yeah, he reaaaaallly shouldn't be hanging with middle school girls. Ned agrees, by the way, and halfheartedly warns both Steven and Jess in an Attempt at Parenting.
Jess wonders when she'll be officially notified as the concert winner.
Steven: Why do you have to be notified. You know already.
Jess: Johnny Buck doesn't know that. I could have been driving my convertible along the beach, or something like that.
Steven: You don't have a convertible. You don't even have a driver's license.
Jess has lots of scenarios, like a white limo, or hundreds of balloons and autographed CDs. Or a note from a hot-air balloon! says Liz. Apparently Johnny did that in another music video, and it was "so romantic."
Steven: They'd have to get permission from the Federal Aviation Bureau. I seriously doubt they'll do that just to tell you that you won some dumb contest.
*snort*
Jess decides they'll have to send a photographer to get her reaction to the good news.
Steven: You've already gotten the good news. They missed your reaction.
Jess: THEY DON'T KNOW THAT, YOU IDIOT!
This, of course, gets Jess in trouble, so she runs up to her room. She picks out a slightly-dressy school outfit, in preparation for the big reveal: a red silk T-shirt, black flounced miniskirt, and chunky black sandals. That's hot. She indulges in a little daydream about becoming Johnny's best friend (until she's legal) and singing partner, until she's almost late for school.
Steven: Even contest winners have to go to school. If I were you, I wouldn't wait for your principal to officially inform you about that. You might wind up grounded.
And...scene.
~~~
Enter Mandy into our story! She was always one of my favorite secondary characters. Also, if you will recall, Mandy had cancer for like, one book back in SVT. So she has a LOT of respect for Johnny, since he's supporting such a great cause with his benefit concert.
Mandy and Jess head to the Unicorner where the rest of the club pounces: they've decided they want to meet Johnny too, and it's only fair, as a Unicorn, that Jess shares her date. Hilariously, Jess is checking herself out in a compact mirror throughout this scene, as Lila planted a seed about Jess looking worn-out. Anyway, Jessica won't budge: she and Johnny share something special, and she wants the day to be just for the two of them. I can kind of see both points of view here. It wouldn't hurt for her to say they could spend, say, an hour of the day with him. But this is Jess we're talking about here, so never mind. Mandy agrees with me, which is why I like her.
Jess has planned out the whole day. Basically she wants to do everything from the "Messenger of Love" video. Also, "he'll want to see where I go to school." I don't THINK SO.
Lila isn't giving up that easily, though. She totally plays on Jessica's need for popularity and attention, pointing out that if Jess keeps Johnny to herself, nobody will see them together! Then she casually drops her idea to film the event as a "docudate." Of course, Lila's dad just gave her a camcorder -- how convenient! Immediately everyone else wants to help. Jess, however, only wants one person along. Lila points out that she's her best friend and also the one with the camcorder and therefore the easy choice. This actually makes sense. But she makes the mistake of bringing up the VIP passes, too, which makes her look like a bitch, especially when Rachel (still don't know who she is, but apparently she's the newest member of the Unicorns) says her dad can get them tickets "if Lila finks."
So instead Jess chooses Mandy, "the most sensitive, artistic, and creative person in the club." I like how nobody else objects to this labeling. They decide to start the documentary with the official contest notification, which Jess is just sure will happen this afternoon.
~~~
Mandy and Jess wait outside the Wakefield house. Jess is totally mugging for the camera, while Mandy tries to get her to be natural. Then a white limo comes around the corner. Followed by the Unicorns, who have been hiding behind a neighbor's hedge until now. They're screaming and holding a giant banner that reads, "Sweet Valley Loves Johnny Buck!" Remember when Lila didn't want Jess to embarrass her over Johnny Buck? Yeah. Needless to say, Jess is pissed. Mandy feels bad, but ultimately doesn't care, because this is "real-life drama" and she's "more interested in capturing the story than she [is] in Jessica's feelings." If you ask me, soooomebody's taking this director gig too seriously.
But HAH! It turns out the limo belongs to Lila! She didn't recognize the driver because he's just subbing. Also, he just happened to be getting the car serviced at the local garage. A likely story. The Unicorns refuse to go away, and Mandy convinces Jess it's better to look popular anyway. No. I'd be embarrassed, too. Then they all spend the next few hours cheering for every car that drives by. Yes, really! By 5pm, only Ellen is still cheering, and Lila decides they should all go home. Rachel asks if they can come back tomorrow, and Jess, having realized how much waiting sucks, agrees.
I, for one, can't believe so many chapters of this book have been devoted to the notification process. Where's Johnny?!
~~~
The next day at school, everyone is saying the contest is a hoax, or that there must have been some mistake. Why do they care so much? Lila mean-girls that Johnny just doesn't care about Jess -- "after all, who are the Wakefields?" Ouch. Jess chooses this moment to show up, but Lila continues: "I'm sure that Johnny Buck's people and the Sweet Talk TV show know who's who around Sweet Valley. Nobody's ever heard of you." Lila, your jealousy is showing, and it's incredibly unattractive.
What happens after school is priceless. The mail arrives at home and Jess has a postcard! A plain yellow typewritten card addressed to "Wakefield, J." It reads:
Dear Contest Winner,
Please call the number below for details.
Now, I'm pretty certain a contest with a timeliness to the prize like this would call? But this is too funny to pass up.
Steven and Liz crowd around as Jess calls and talks to...Operator 346. She asks what contest Jess is calling about, because they're Digital Net, a subcontracted service provider for AGS&C, Inc. That's the American Games, Sweepstakes, and Contests, Incorporated, and they're based in Upton, Minnesota. Operator 346 makes Jess read out a contestant number from her postcard, then puts her on hold, where she is forced to listen to an ad for Johnny Buck merchandise. Steven is offended. Finally they're transferred to another person, this time from Tredille, Nevada, who informs Jess that Johnny Buck will show up at her house at 10:30am on Saturday. And here are the magic words we will find important later: "According to Section 409 of the Games and Sweepstakes Code, all prizes must be awarded in accordance with the advertised terms of the contest."
Obviously, this is a totally unacceptable way to be Officially Notified. So Jess enlists Steven's help for the price of two weeks of chores. She's made a huge sign to go with a bunch of balloons, and needs to find somebody to deliver it in style. They head downtown on Steven's moped, which apparently he had saved up for over the last several months, and visit the Sweet Valley Musicians Hall. Jessica explains, "There are a lot of cool-looking people down there and musicians are always looking for work." Well, okay then. That's not stereotyping at all.
But sure enough, they spot someone totally cool: good-looking, about 18, has a motorcyle, and helps an old lady carry her instrument. And what do you know? He even looks like Johnny Buck. So Jess accosts him and offers him a paid gig.
~~~
Jess is totally her own publicist, and convinces Mandy something big will go down on the front steps after school. Mandy decides she needs the Unicorns there, but Lila's still ticked off at Jess. So Mandy lies and lures Lila out there to film her.
Lila: ...Of course, being the child of one of the richest and most influential men in the county isn't always easy. The pressures are overwhelming sometimes. People always expect me to wear the latest fashions and have all the newest CDs and electronic equipment.
The crowd does not take well to this speech. I can't really imagine why. Anyway, Rick Hunter, Aaron Dallas, and other kids start laughing and making fun of her. Meanwhile, Jess is freaking out that nothing has happened yet. Just as it seems everyone is going to wander away, a motorcycle pulls up! A masked man in a leather jacket gets down, announces himself to be the "Messenger of Love," and delivers the balloons and card to Jess. This is so Grease 2, y'all.
Everyone is thrilled until Lila is like, if Johnny really cared, he'd have copied the original Grease. Or, you know, come himself instead of sending a lookalike. So Jess does what Jess does best and lies that Johnny called her the day before. She even drags Mandy into the lie! Not cool, Jess! Lucky for her, Mandy cares so much about the benefit concert and preserving Johnny's reputation that she covers.
~~~
FINALLY it is Saturday morning! Jess is getting ready in her room when the Unicorns crash the party. She tells them to go away but they won't budge. Finally she agrees that they can stay in her room and watch through the window. Right.
So a black limo pulls up and people spill out onto the yard, talking away on cell phones. Johnny's manager, Stan Keno, is busy negotiating percentages of concert and merchandise revenue.
Finally Johnny Buck gets out of the limo, takes off his sunglasses, shakes Jess's hand, and smiles for a photographer. Then he puts his sunglasses back on, climbs back into the limo, and "suddenly it was as if the scene had been flipped into rewind," as everyone else gets into the limo too. Stan says he'll send Jess a copy of the photo and prepares to drive off. Dude. NOT COOL! Jess is like, but what about the date? And Stan offers to buy her off with a set of CDs, t-shirt, autographed photo, and button, a $100 value. NOT COOL!
Mandy chases after the limo and utters the magic words that Jess had recited earlier that day: "According to Section 409 of the Games and Sweepstakes Code, all prizes must be awarded in accordance with the advertised terms of the contest." Foiled by a seventh grader, Stan! He goes to consult his lawyers while Mandy complains about Johnny Suck. Jess is sure it isn't his fault; on Days of Turmoil, there's an artist type being screwed over by his manager. Lou Pearlman? Mandy decides this must be true, because Days of Turmoil is "very realistic." She doesn't seem as smart as I used to think.
So Stan concedes and dumps Johnny out of the limo. The limo, he says, was not part of the advertised terms. And then he drives off. Awesome.
We're halfway through the book now, and finally there is Johnny Buck! Hooray.
~~~
As the Unicorns stare from Jess's window, Jess drags Johnny toward the garage, giving a speech along the way about the split-level, ranch-style house with its pink brick and latticework along the patio wall. I feel like the ghostwriters are just mocking us now. Anyway, Jess says they'll take Steven's moped! What! And Johnny's like, no car? Like he's so cool, except he gets on the moped, hits the gas, and drives straight into the garage wall. Mandy, of course, gets the whole thing on film, "like a combat photographer." *rolls eyes at Mandy*
Steven runs out and, after getting over his initial awe of a celebrity in person, is like, MY MOPED! Johnny rolls his eyes, pulls out several hundred-dollar bills, and offers them to Steven. What a douche! Steven is insulted and tells Jess that Johnny sucks. She's like, take the money and go away and stop ruining things, and he runs inside to cry. :( :( Poor Steven. Maybe my next book will have to be a Steven one instead.
While Jess fends off the pushy Unicorns that have found the garage, Johnny answers a call. I guess having a tiny black cell phone was pretty amazing back in 1998. Anyway, he yells into the phone about his dressing room rider -- apparently he wanted chips and salsa and got veggies instead. Jess asks Mandy to edit out the moped crash, and she reluctantly agrees. I guess Jess wouldn't be a Wakefield twin if she weren't slow on the jackass uptake. After Johnny gets a couple more calls, Mandy gets fed up and KNOCKS HIS PHONE TO THE GROUND. It breaks into pieces. Ooh, I would be so mad.
They drag Johnny onto the bus, about which he is horrified. Some kids on the bus start whispering, like hey, that guy looks like Johnny Buck! But of course a celebrity wouldn't be riding a public bus, so they decide he's a lookalike, "only shorter and not as cute," and laugh at Mandy when she tells them otherwise. Jess tries to engage Johnny in a conversation about his career, but he's not having it. In fact, he falls asleep and starts snoring. Everybody snickers.
When the bus stops, everyone gets off, and Johnny trips and falls on his face. Hah! At this point everyone is pointing and laughing, and one boy runs up and asks, mockingly, for Johnny's autograph. Johnny sneers at the kid, turns him down like a jerk, and everyone realizes that he really is Johnny Buck because suddenly he seems confident and star-like. Mandy philosophizes about how messed up that is. I know, Mandy. I know. She decides she has to keep up the facade on Johnny's persona because the benefit concert is so important. I don't really get this; if she told people Johnny Buck was a jerk, they'd suddenly demand refunds of their tickets? Look at the Lohan and the Spears. And Miley Cyrus stripping on MySpace. I don't think people would care these days.
Anyway, Jess is like, here we are! Ready to go riding at the Sweet Valley Stables. I thought Jess hated riding and only Liz liked horses. I guess she was influenced by the "Messenger of Love" video. Anyway, Johnny is like, YOU SUCK! THIS SUCKS! I'm leaving! And heads to a payphone, when Mandy shows her dark, Unicorn side, by blackmailing him with the footage she has. He tackles her for the tape, and for a moment I have thoughts of Veronica Mars, but he's such a klutz he fails, sighs, and gives in.
~~~
Mandy tries to film Johnny on a horse, but he can't even get on one without falling to the ground. The Unicorns, of course, choose this moment to show up. Wow, they're good at stalking. Or maybe Jess shouldn't have told them her plans for the entire day. Anyway, Ellen asks why Johnny is sitting on his butt, and Mandy makes up a story about how he saved Jess from a runaway horse. She continues to justify all this by thinking of the benefit concert. Jess, on the other hand, continues to be clueless; she's very upset, wondering what she's done wrong to make Johnny so mad at her. Aw, Jess. For once, it's not your fault. Anyway, Lila's dad got her into the press conference that afternoon, so she says she'll see them there. Johnny calls for a limo to pick him up and drop Mandy and Jess home, but they have other ideas...
~~~
Cut to Mandy once again blackmailing Johnny with all the humiliating footage she's captured. He insists, "I will not negotiate with terrorists." Heh. But Jess tells him, "We're not terrorists. We're fans." Hee.
I guess they wore him down, because next thing you know, Johnny is holding Jess's hand and gazing down at her as they enter the press conference at the Sweet Valley Museum. She introduces him to the Unicorns, and he's totally fake-gracious to them. Then he leads Jess to the platform, smiles boyishly, and says some sweet words about Jess and the town and the benefit concert. Oh, he is good.
As soon as it's over and they're back in the limo, he's back to Jerkwad Johnny. He asks if they're done, but Jess is like, no! We still have to go diving into a waterfall! He says he needs a bathing suit from the hotel, even though she points out he swam in his jeans in the video. It's totally a ploy to run away at the hotel, and it almost works, too, but Mandy catches on.
~~~
Johnny can't stop sneezing; apparently he's allergic to ragweed, and the lake is full of it. Mandy tells him sneezing makes him look "so uncool," which I think is a little unfair. You can't help allergies. But it also turns out Johnny can't swim, and manages to think he's drowning in four foot deep water. Jess is like, what about the video?! CLUE IN, JESS!
Actually, she's about to, because they spot the messenger dude from the Musicians Hall, swimming gracefully in the lake. Mandy notes that he looks totally hot, just like...just like the guy in the music video! Because he is the guy in the music video! And it turns out he's Chad Bucklateski, Johnny's cousin! Wow, is Johnny's last name really Bucklateski? Awesome. Mandy is confused, and accuses Johnny of not doing his own videos, and then: "Do you even do your own singing?" She says they'll go back to the hotel and sing with him, and Chad will film. Damn, girl.
At the hotel, Jess discovers that Johnny's voice is so weak and blah that she can't even hear him singing right next to her. Chad messes with the sound equipment and reverb and suddenly Johnny sounds amazing. It makes Jess and Mandy sound amazing, too, which is either very impressive or not so much, depending on which book you believe about Jess's singing abilities.
When they finish, Stan is there. Johnny lays into him and how the concert was a bad idea and not worth it and middle school girls suck. Don't I know it, Johnny. Um, I mean. So Jess is totally shocked and finally realizing how awful Johnny is. Meanwhile, Stan realizes how damaging the footage Mandy has filmed is, so he asks Chad to go bribe, I mean feed, the girls.
Jessica can't stop crying about how Johnny Buck isn't even Johnny Buck, and Chad tries to cheer her up and open her eyes to the real world: Johnny Buck is real, he's a great songwriter and decent singer, and all rock stars use sound equipment that makes them sound better. Maybe not all, but that is sadly true. Point is, he doesn't need to ride and dive, and since Chad can ride and dive but not sing, it works out for everyone. In short, the entertainment business is always about more than just the star. He also tells them Stan's son had cancer two years before and he's the one who put together the benefit concert, even going as far as paying all the expenses so more of the profits can go to the hospital. Aww.
Then Stan shows up and bribes them out of the embarrassing footage. Jess demands backstage passes for her friends and Liz and Steven (aww!). Stan is like, that's it?! Well, no.
~~~
Turns out Jessica also wants to be, basically, in her own Johnny Buck music video. Mandy films her riding with Chad, spliced with footage of Jess singing with Johnny. It sounds like a pretty cool souvenir if you ask me. Chad says he'll show it at the concert. Jess goes to call Steven and beg him to come and to bring the gang. He admits being backstage at any concert is cool, even if Johnny sucks.
Everyone heads to the concert, where they get "The Buck Stops Here" T-shirts and backstage passes. Jess gets makeup done since she's going onstage to introduce her video or whatever. They realize there are about a gazillion people involved in producing the concert, and Stan is bankrolling the whole operation while Johnny takes the credit and continues to suck. Such is life, folks.
But! Oh, no! Chad shows up and announces Johnny is sick and is canceling the concert. Jess starts bawling and says it's her fault because she made him go swimming. She doesn't stop until Chad's like, Johnny's not really sick, he's just throwing a tantrum, he does this all the time and leaves Stan to apologize to the fans and clean up the mess. Jess is PISSED!
Chad is kind of hot.
~~~
Jess has taken the limo to the hotel and run past security up to the penthouse suite. Johnny opens the door thinking she's room service and she butts her way in -- he's way out of shape -- and tears into him. When the real room service arrives, and it's steak, lobster, two baked potatoes and key lime pie, she's like, "Mr. Buck is a sick man. That heavy food might kill him. He needs a little clear broth and some tea." HAHAHA! I love Jess.
She says she can accept that he's not a rider or a swimmer or even a very good singer, but she can't accept that he's not a human being. And then. The most amazing speech Jessica Wakefield has ever given. Read it and weep, people:
"You're famous for being a singer and an athletic guy. You konw what I'm famous for?" she pressed. "I'm famous for being selfish."
He turned, surprised. "What?"
She nodded. "I'm not very proud of it, but that's just sort of my thing. I love to be the center of attention. I love to be the star. And I'll even play dirty tricks on my friends to push them out of the spotlight so that I can get more of the glory."
Jessica went over and stood beside him. "You know, when I came over here, I thought you were the biggest creep in the whole world. But you're not. You're like me, really. You just get away with a lot more."
Damn. This is like the most self-aware and smart SV book I can remember reading. Jess points out that if she can be selfless, Johnny can, and says he can burn all the tapes they made today, even the video starring her, if he'll just do the concert. Then she tells him about Mandy, and about Stan's son, and about Stan bankrolling the concert. He didn't know any of that; he had stopped thinking of Stan as a real person.
Then he tells Jess how awesome she is. It's the best scene ever.
Meanwhile, Mandy and everyone else (including lots of cancer patients) are miserably waiting for Johnny to change his mind; it's been twenty minutes since the concert was supposed to start. Meh. Concerts rarely start on time. Just as Stan's about to make an announcement, Johnny runs on stage! Yay! Then he dedicates a song to Jess and pulls her onstage to sing. And then Mandy, too! And then the rest of the Unicorns! And then Steven and Elizabeth! Everyone is happy! Cancer is cured! Well, not really.
~~~
Everyone is celebrating in the penthouse after the concert. Jess tells Johnny he has to promise to eat better and get more exercise, maybe with some swimming and riding lessons. Then he calls her his gal pal and kisses her on the cheek. It's like he was never a monumental jackass!
Later, Jess is passing out copies of the concert video to the Unicorns -- Johnny had them made and Chad delivered them to her house. I wonder why Chad lives in Sweet Valley, anyway? It seems kind of random. Whatever. Everyone wishes they could have spent more time with Johnny, but Jess and Mandy know better. Lila asks what happened to the rest of the footage, Mandy lies that she lost it, and they all talk about being more responsible. Kimberly says she's the most responsible and also the oldest, which is a really poor segue into the next book, Unicorn Club #23, Trapped in the Mall.
Phew. I'm sorry that was so long. The book didn't seem as filler-ish as they usually are.
The cover:
Johnny Buck looks like a douchebag, which we will find is apt, and Jessica looks...terrible, really. Fail, artists. But they did a good job of making her look like a thirteen year old fangirl; she just looks really young here.
~~~
Our tale begins outside the Sweet Valley Bakery, where Kimberly Haver is halfheartedly trying to stop Jess from stealing a Johnny Buck poster pasted on the wall. Kimberly notes that stealing "is probably a crime or something," revealing the quality of a Sweet Valley education.
Mission accomplished, the two head to Casey's to watch Sweet Talk, "the hip teen talk and video show." Sounds like TRL to me (this book was written in 1998). The Unicorns: Ellen, Lila, Rachel Grant (who?), and Mandy are at a table eating "mint vanilla and chocolate chip cookie dough sundaes--a Casey's specialty." Here I pause and try to parse this description. Is it a three scoop sundae with a comma missing between "mint" and "vanilla"? Or is there actually "mint vanilla"? Well, never mind.
Liz is at a table with Maria Slater, Evie Kim, and Mary Wallace, who are apparently in a different club called the Angels. Whoa, back up! I must have missed something. Somebody needs to recap this split; I'm sure it's awesome. This is basically the last we'll hear of these people in this book, anyway.
Apparently everyone in Sweet Valley is at Casey's, because Johnny Buck is "the kind of star guys and girls like," according to Jess. I'm sorry, but I can't think of a real world analogue for Johnny. Turns out he's putting on a benefit concert for the Sweet Valley Children's Hospital, which is a leading institute in cancer research. The concert has sold "thousands of dollars" worth of tickets. Wow, Johnny. Way to have...dozens of fans.
But that's not all! Sweet Talk is sponsoring a contest for a fan to show Johnny around Sweet Valley when he comes to town. I remember when MTV used to arrange this sort of thing for celebrities to meet fans. You'd have to humiliate yourself in the worst way possible to win the occasion; here, all that's required is a postcard with your name, address, and phone number. The hell? Way to invite ballot stuffing and stalkers via a COMPLETE lack of a screening process!
Today Johnny is on the show to pick the winner. While the gang waits, Jess shows off her poster. Lila offers to buy it, but Jess plans to get it autographed. "Don't embarrass me," Lila says of Jess's rampant fangirling. REMEMBER THESE WORDS. Then we get a reminder of how rich Lila's dad is; in fact, he's gotten her VIP passes to the concert! She's sharing them with the Unicorns, but that hasn't stopped her from rubbing her "generosity" in their faces.
We find out Jess has a "super-gargantuan-bigger-than-the-whole-galaxy" crush on Johnny Buck. He's smart, funny, handsome, you name it. Also, Jess thinks, Only a real humanitarian would take the time to do a free concert for the hospital. Well, if you say so. This part is so sweet:
Jessica hugged the poster a little closer to her heart and tried to send a little extrastrength wish into the universe.
Oh, Jess.
Finally Sweet Talk starts and we get to see Johnny's new video for "Messenger of Love." And, okay. It goes like this: Johnny drives on his motorcycle past a beautiful blonde, dives in jeans and no shirt off a cliff into a waterfall and swims to shore with said girl, rides bareback on a horse with her ("so romantic and cool, Jessica actually shivered"), and finally, Johnny and the girl holds hands down a "quaint street" before he kisses her, gets on his motorcycle, and rides away.
Wow. That sounds terrible. But the book is careful to explain that despite Johnny's penchant for horrible ballads, he's REALLY a rock 'n' roller. Righty, then.
Do I even have to tell you what happens next? Oh, all right. Johnny draws Jessica's name! While she sits in shock, the Unicorns act like they've won the Olympics or something. Except for Lila, who is pissed that her VIP thunder has been stolen.
~~~
The next morning at breakfast, Steven mocks Jessica for thinking Johnny would be interested in "a little kid." Which, I appreciate the sentiment, I do, but what gives, Steven? It does sound kind of exciting to play host to any major celebrity, I'd think. Then again, he's always oddly jealous when it comes to Jess. I will be quoting the rest of his lines in this scene, because they're just that funny. By the way, they never say, but I get the impression Johnny is about 17 or 18. In which case, yeah, he reaaaaallly shouldn't be hanging with middle school girls. Ned agrees, by the way, and halfheartedly warns both Steven and Jess in an Attempt at Parenting.
Jess wonders when she'll be officially notified as the concert winner.
Steven: Why do you have to be notified. You know already.
Jess: Johnny Buck doesn't know that. I could have been driving my convertible along the beach, or something like that.
Steven: You don't have a convertible. You don't even have a driver's license.
Jess has lots of scenarios, like a white limo, or hundreds of balloons and autographed CDs. Or a note from a hot-air balloon! says Liz. Apparently Johnny did that in another music video, and it was "so romantic."
Steven: They'd have to get permission from the Federal Aviation Bureau. I seriously doubt they'll do that just to tell you that you won some dumb contest.
*snort*
Jess decides they'll have to send a photographer to get her reaction to the good news.
Steven: You've already gotten the good news. They missed your reaction.
Jess: THEY DON'T KNOW THAT, YOU IDIOT!
This, of course, gets Jess in trouble, so she runs up to her room. She picks out a slightly-dressy school outfit, in preparation for the big reveal: a red silk T-shirt, black flounced miniskirt, and chunky black sandals. That's hot. She indulges in a little daydream about becoming Johnny's best friend (until she's legal) and singing partner, until she's almost late for school.
Steven: Even contest winners have to go to school. If I were you, I wouldn't wait for your principal to officially inform you about that. You might wind up grounded.
And...scene.
~~~
Enter Mandy into our story! She was always one of my favorite secondary characters. Also, if you will recall, Mandy had cancer for like, one book back in SVT. So she has a LOT of respect for Johnny, since he's supporting such a great cause with his benefit concert.
Mandy and Jess head to the Unicorner where the rest of the club pounces: they've decided they want to meet Johnny too, and it's only fair, as a Unicorn, that Jess shares her date. Hilariously, Jess is checking herself out in a compact mirror throughout this scene, as Lila planted a seed about Jess looking worn-out. Anyway, Jessica won't budge: she and Johnny share something special, and she wants the day to be just for the two of them. I can kind of see both points of view here. It wouldn't hurt for her to say they could spend, say, an hour of the day with him. But this is Jess we're talking about here, so never mind. Mandy agrees with me, which is why I like her.
Jess has planned out the whole day. Basically she wants to do everything from the "Messenger of Love" video. Also, "he'll want to see where I go to school." I don't THINK SO.
Lila isn't giving up that easily, though. She totally plays on Jessica's need for popularity and attention, pointing out that if Jess keeps Johnny to herself, nobody will see them together! Then she casually drops her idea to film the event as a "docudate." Of course, Lila's dad just gave her a camcorder -- how convenient! Immediately everyone else wants to help. Jess, however, only wants one person along. Lila points out that she's her best friend and also the one with the camcorder and therefore the easy choice. This actually makes sense. But she makes the mistake of bringing up the VIP passes, too, which makes her look like a bitch, especially when Rachel (still don't know who she is, but apparently she's the newest member of the Unicorns) says her dad can get them tickets "if Lila finks."
So instead Jess chooses Mandy, "the most sensitive, artistic, and creative person in the club." I like how nobody else objects to this labeling. They decide to start the documentary with the official contest notification, which Jess is just sure will happen this afternoon.
~~~
Mandy and Jess wait outside the Wakefield house. Jess is totally mugging for the camera, while Mandy tries to get her to be natural. Then a white limo comes around the corner. Followed by the Unicorns, who have been hiding behind a neighbor's hedge until now. They're screaming and holding a giant banner that reads, "Sweet Valley Loves Johnny Buck!" Remember when Lila didn't want Jess to embarrass her over Johnny Buck? Yeah. Needless to say, Jess is pissed. Mandy feels bad, but ultimately doesn't care, because this is "real-life drama" and she's "more interested in capturing the story than she [is] in Jessica's feelings." If you ask me, soooomebody's taking this director gig too seriously.
But HAH! It turns out the limo belongs to Lila! She didn't recognize the driver because he's just subbing. Also, he just happened to be getting the car serviced at the local garage. A likely story. The Unicorns refuse to go away, and Mandy convinces Jess it's better to look popular anyway. No. I'd be embarrassed, too. Then they all spend the next few hours cheering for every car that drives by. Yes, really! By 5pm, only Ellen is still cheering, and Lila decides they should all go home. Rachel asks if they can come back tomorrow, and Jess, having realized how much waiting sucks, agrees.
I, for one, can't believe so many chapters of this book have been devoted to the notification process. Where's Johnny?!
~~~
The next day at school, everyone is saying the contest is a hoax, or that there must have been some mistake. Why do they care so much? Lila mean-girls that Johnny just doesn't care about Jess -- "after all, who are the Wakefields?" Ouch. Jess chooses this moment to show up, but Lila continues: "I'm sure that Johnny Buck's people and the Sweet Talk TV show know who's who around Sweet Valley. Nobody's ever heard of you." Lila, your jealousy is showing, and it's incredibly unattractive.
What happens after school is priceless. The mail arrives at home and Jess has a postcard! A plain yellow typewritten card addressed to "Wakefield, J." It reads:
Dear Contest Winner,
Please call the number below for details.
Now, I'm pretty certain a contest with a timeliness to the prize like this would call? But this is too funny to pass up.
Steven and Liz crowd around as Jess calls and talks to...Operator 346. She asks what contest Jess is calling about, because they're Digital Net, a subcontracted service provider for AGS&C, Inc. That's the American Games, Sweepstakes, and Contests, Incorporated, and they're based in Upton, Minnesota. Operator 346 makes Jess read out a contestant number from her postcard, then puts her on hold, where she is forced to listen to an ad for Johnny Buck merchandise. Steven is offended. Finally they're transferred to another person, this time from Tredille, Nevada, who informs Jess that Johnny Buck will show up at her house at 10:30am on Saturday. And here are the magic words we will find important later: "According to Section 409 of the Games and Sweepstakes Code, all prizes must be awarded in accordance with the advertised terms of the contest."
Obviously, this is a totally unacceptable way to be Officially Notified. So Jess enlists Steven's help for the price of two weeks of chores. She's made a huge sign to go with a bunch of balloons, and needs to find somebody to deliver it in style. They head downtown on Steven's moped, which apparently he had saved up for over the last several months, and visit the Sweet Valley Musicians Hall. Jessica explains, "There are a lot of cool-looking people down there and musicians are always looking for work." Well, okay then. That's not stereotyping at all.
But sure enough, they spot someone totally cool: good-looking, about 18, has a motorcyle, and helps an old lady carry her instrument. And what do you know? He even looks like Johnny Buck. So Jess accosts him and offers him a paid gig.
~~~
Jess is totally her own publicist, and convinces Mandy something big will go down on the front steps after school. Mandy decides she needs the Unicorns there, but Lila's still ticked off at Jess. So Mandy lies and lures Lila out there to film her.
Lila: ...Of course, being the child of one of the richest and most influential men in the county isn't always easy. The pressures are overwhelming sometimes. People always expect me to wear the latest fashions and have all the newest CDs and electronic equipment.
The crowd does not take well to this speech. I can't really imagine why. Anyway, Rick Hunter, Aaron Dallas, and other kids start laughing and making fun of her. Meanwhile, Jess is freaking out that nothing has happened yet. Just as it seems everyone is going to wander away, a motorcycle pulls up! A masked man in a leather jacket gets down, announces himself to be the "Messenger of Love," and delivers the balloons and card to Jess. This is so Grease 2, y'all.
Everyone is thrilled until Lila is like, if Johnny really cared, he'd have copied the original Grease. Or, you know, come himself instead of sending a lookalike. So Jess does what Jess does best and lies that Johnny called her the day before. She even drags Mandy into the lie! Not cool, Jess! Lucky for her, Mandy cares so much about the benefit concert and preserving Johnny's reputation that she covers.
~~~
FINALLY it is Saturday morning! Jess is getting ready in her room when the Unicorns crash the party. She tells them to go away but they won't budge. Finally she agrees that they can stay in her room and watch through the window. Right.
So a black limo pulls up and people spill out onto the yard, talking away on cell phones. Johnny's manager, Stan Keno, is busy negotiating percentages of concert and merchandise revenue.
Finally Johnny Buck gets out of the limo, takes off his sunglasses, shakes Jess's hand, and smiles for a photographer. Then he puts his sunglasses back on, climbs back into the limo, and "suddenly it was as if the scene had been flipped into rewind," as everyone else gets into the limo too. Stan says he'll send Jess a copy of the photo and prepares to drive off. Dude. NOT COOL! Jess is like, but what about the date? And Stan offers to buy her off with a set of CDs, t-shirt, autographed photo, and button, a $100 value. NOT COOL!
Mandy chases after the limo and utters the magic words that Jess had recited earlier that day: "According to Section 409 of the Games and Sweepstakes Code, all prizes must be awarded in accordance with the advertised terms of the contest." Foiled by a seventh grader, Stan! He goes to consult his lawyers while Mandy complains about Johnny Suck. Jess is sure it isn't his fault; on Days of Turmoil, there's an artist type being screwed over by his manager. Lou Pearlman? Mandy decides this must be true, because Days of Turmoil is "very realistic." She doesn't seem as smart as I used to think.
So Stan concedes and dumps Johnny out of the limo. The limo, he says, was not part of the advertised terms. And then he drives off. Awesome.
We're halfway through the book now, and finally there is Johnny Buck! Hooray.
~~~
As the Unicorns stare from Jess's window, Jess drags Johnny toward the garage, giving a speech along the way about the split-level, ranch-style house with its pink brick and latticework along the patio wall. I feel like the ghostwriters are just mocking us now. Anyway, Jess says they'll take Steven's moped! What! And Johnny's like, no car? Like he's so cool, except he gets on the moped, hits the gas, and drives straight into the garage wall. Mandy, of course, gets the whole thing on film, "like a combat photographer." *rolls eyes at Mandy*
Steven runs out and, after getting over his initial awe of a celebrity in person, is like, MY MOPED! Johnny rolls his eyes, pulls out several hundred-dollar bills, and offers them to Steven. What a douche! Steven is insulted and tells Jess that Johnny sucks. She's like, take the money and go away and stop ruining things, and he runs inside to cry. :( :( Poor Steven. Maybe my next book will have to be a Steven one instead.
While Jess fends off the pushy Unicorns that have found the garage, Johnny answers a call. I guess having a tiny black cell phone was pretty amazing back in 1998. Anyway, he yells into the phone about his dressing room rider -- apparently he wanted chips and salsa and got veggies instead. Jess asks Mandy to edit out the moped crash, and she reluctantly agrees. I guess Jess wouldn't be a Wakefield twin if she weren't slow on the jackass uptake. After Johnny gets a couple more calls, Mandy gets fed up and KNOCKS HIS PHONE TO THE GROUND. It breaks into pieces. Ooh, I would be so mad.
They drag Johnny onto the bus, about which he is horrified. Some kids on the bus start whispering, like hey, that guy looks like Johnny Buck! But of course a celebrity wouldn't be riding a public bus, so they decide he's a lookalike, "only shorter and not as cute," and laugh at Mandy when she tells them otherwise. Jess tries to engage Johnny in a conversation about his career, but he's not having it. In fact, he falls asleep and starts snoring. Everybody snickers.
When the bus stops, everyone gets off, and Johnny trips and falls on his face. Hah! At this point everyone is pointing and laughing, and one boy runs up and asks, mockingly, for Johnny's autograph. Johnny sneers at the kid, turns him down like a jerk, and everyone realizes that he really is Johnny Buck because suddenly he seems confident and star-like. Mandy philosophizes about how messed up that is. I know, Mandy. I know. She decides she has to keep up the facade on Johnny's persona because the benefit concert is so important. I don't really get this; if she told people Johnny Buck was a jerk, they'd suddenly demand refunds of their tickets? Look at the Lohan and the Spears. And Miley Cyrus stripping on MySpace. I don't think people would care these days.
Anyway, Jess is like, here we are! Ready to go riding at the Sweet Valley Stables. I thought Jess hated riding and only Liz liked horses. I guess she was influenced by the "Messenger of Love" video. Anyway, Johnny is like, YOU SUCK! THIS SUCKS! I'm leaving! And heads to a payphone, when Mandy shows her dark, Unicorn side, by blackmailing him with the footage she has. He tackles her for the tape, and for a moment I have thoughts of Veronica Mars, but he's such a klutz he fails, sighs, and gives in.
~~~
Mandy tries to film Johnny on a horse, but he can't even get on one without falling to the ground. The Unicorns, of course, choose this moment to show up. Wow, they're good at stalking. Or maybe Jess shouldn't have told them her plans for the entire day. Anyway, Ellen asks why Johnny is sitting on his butt, and Mandy makes up a story about how he saved Jess from a runaway horse. She continues to justify all this by thinking of the benefit concert. Jess, on the other hand, continues to be clueless; she's very upset, wondering what she's done wrong to make Johnny so mad at her. Aw, Jess. For once, it's not your fault. Anyway, Lila's dad got her into the press conference that afternoon, so she says she'll see them there. Johnny calls for a limo to pick him up and drop Mandy and Jess home, but they have other ideas...
~~~
Cut to Mandy once again blackmailing Johnny with all the humiliating footage she's captured. He insists, "I will not negotiate with terrorists." Heh. But Jess tells him, "We're not terrorists. We're fans." Hee.
I guess they wore him down, because next thing you know, Johnny is holding Jess's hand and gazing down at her as they enter the press conference at the Sweet Valley Museum. She introduces him to the Unicorns, and he's totally fake-gracious to them. Then he leads Jess to the platform, smiles boyishly, and says some sweet words about Jess and the town and the benefit concert. Oh, he is good.
As soon as it's over and they're back in the limo, he's back to Jerkwad Johnny. He asks if they're done, but Jess is like, no! We still have to go diving into a waterfall! He says he needs a bathing suit from the hotel, even though she points out he swam in his jeans in the video. It's totally a ploy to run away at the hotel, and it almost works, too, but Mandy catches on.
~~~
Johnny can't stop sneezing; apparently he's allergic to ragweed, and the lake is full of it. Mandy tells him sneezing makes him look "so uncool," which I think is a little unfair. You can't help allergies. But it also turns out Johnny can't swim, and manages to think he's drowning in four foot deep water. Jess is like, what about the video?! CLUE IN, JESS!
Actually, she's about to, because they spot the messenger dude from the Musicians Hall, swimming gracefully in the lake. Mandy notes that he looks totally hot, just like...just like the guy in the music video! Because he is the guy in the music video! And it turns out he's Chad Bucklateski, Johnny's cousin! Wow, is Johnny's last name really Bucklateski? Awesome. Mandy is confused, and accuses Johnny of not doing his own videos, and then: "Do you even do your own singing?" She says they'll go back to the hotel and sing with him, and Chad will film. Damn, girl.
At the hotel, Jess discovers that Johnny's voice is so weak and blah that she can't even hear him singing right next to her. Chad messes with the sound equipment and reverb and suddenly Johnny sounds amazing. It makes Jess and Mandy sound amazing, too, which is either very impressive or not so much, depending on which book you believe about Jess's singing abilities.
When they finish, Stan is there. Johnny lays into him and how the concert was a bad idea and not worth it and middle school girls suck. Don't I know it, Johnny. Um, I mean. So Jess is totally shocked and finally realizing how awful Johnny is. Meanwhile, Stan realizes how damaging the footage Mandy has filmed is, so he asks Chad to go bribe, I mean feed, the girls.
Jessica can't stop crying about how Johnny Buck isn't even Johnny Buck, and Chad tries to cheer her up and open her eyes to the real world: Johnny Buck is real, he's a great songwriter and decent singer, and all rock stars use sound equipment that makes them sound better. Maybe not all, but that is sadly true. Point is, he doesn't need to ride and dive, and since Chad can ride and dive but not sing, it works out for everyone. In short, the entertainment business is always about more than just the star. He also tells them Stan's son had cancer two years before and he's the one who put together the benefit concert, even going as far as paying all the expenses so more of the profits can go to the hospital. Aww.
Then Stan shows up and bribes them out of the embarrassing footage. Jess demands backstage passes for her friends and Liz and Steven (aww!). Stan is like, that's it?! Well, no.
~~~
Turns out Jessica also wants to be, basically, in her own Johnny Buck music video. Mandy films her riding with Chad, spliced with footage of Jess singing with Johnny. It sounds like a pretty cool souvenir if you ask me. Chad says he'll show it at the concert. Jess goes to call Steven and beg him to come and to bring the gang. He admits being backstage at any concert is cool, even if Johnny sucks.
Everyone heads to the concert, where they get "The Buck Stops Here" T-shirts and backstage passes. Jess gets makeup done since she's going onstage to introduce her video or whatever. They realize there are about a gazillion people involved in producing the concert, and Stan is bankrolling the whole operation while Johnny takes the credit and continues to suck. Such is life, folks.
But! Oh, no! Chad shows up and announces Johnny is sick and is canceling the concert. Jess starts bawling and says it's her fault because she made him go swimming. She doesn't stop until Chad's like, Johnny's not really sick, he's just throwing a tantrum, he does this all the time and leaves Stan to apologize to the fans and clean up the mess. Jess is PISSED!
Chad is kind of hot.
~~~
Jess has taken the limo to the hotel and run past security up to the penthouse suite. Johnny opens the door thinking she's room service and she butts her way in -- he's way out of shape -- and tears into him. When the real room service arrives, and it's steak, lobster, two baked potatoes and key lime pie, she's like, "Mr. Buck is a sick man. That heavy food might kill him. He needs a little clear broth and some tea." HAHAHA! I love Jess.
She says she can accept that he's not a rider or a swimmer or even a very good singer, but she can't accept that he's not a human being. And then. The most amazing speech Jessica Wakefield has ever given. Read it and weep, people:
"You're famous for being a singer and an athletic guy. You konw what I'm famous for?" she pressed. "I'm famous for being selfish."
He turned, surprised. "What?"
She nodded. "I'm not very proud of it, but that's just sort of my thing. I love to be the center of attention. I love to be the star. And I'll even play dirty tricks on my friends to push them out of the spotlight so that I can get more of the glory."
Jessica went over and stood beside him. "You know, when I came over here, I thought you were the biggest creep in the whole world. But you're not. You're like me, really. You just get away with a lot more."
Damn. This is like the most self-aware and smart SV book I can remember reading. Jess points out that if she can be selfless, Johnny can, and says he can burn all the tapes they made today, even the video starring her, if he'll just do the concert. Then she tells him about Mandy, and about Stan's son, and about Stan bankrolling the concert. He didn't know any of that; he had stopped thinking of Stan as a real person.
Then he tells Jess how awesome she is. It's the best scene ever.
Meanwhile, Mandy and everyone else (including lots of cancer patients) are miserably waiting for Johnny to change his mind; it's been twenty minutes since the concert was supposed to start. Meh. Concerts rarely start on time. Just as Stan's about to make an announcement, Johnny runs on stage! Yay! Then he dedicates a song to Jess and pulls her onstage to sing. And then Mandy, too! And then the rest of the Unicorns! And then Steven and Elizabeth! Everyone is happy! Cancer is cured! Well, not really.
~~~
Everyone is celebrating in the penthouse after the concert. Jess tells Johnny he has to promise to eat better and get more exercise, maybe with some swimming and riding lessons. Then he calls her his gal pal and kisses her on the cheek. It's like he was never a monumental jackass!
Later, Jess is passing out copies of the concert video to the Unicorns -- Johnny had them made and Chad delivered them to her house. I wonder why Chad lives in Sweet Valley, anyway? It seems kind of random. Whatever. Everyone wishes they could have spent more time with Johnny, but Jess and Mandy know better. Lila asks what happened to the rest of the footage, Mandy lies that she lost it, and they all talk about being more responsible. Kimberly says she's the most responsible and also the oldest, which is a really poor segue into the next book, Unicorn Club #23, Trapped in the Mall.
Phew. I'm sorry that was so long. The book didn't seem as filler-ish as they usually are.