Sweet Valley High #36 Last Chance
Amy may have the best hair of anyone in the entire SVH series. Or at least the most normal. It’s interesting that the later version of Jessica and Elizabeth would have similar hair, with the straight bangs. Amy’s cardigan, however, makes her look like a linebacker. Johanna is pretty but is clearly wearing a K-Mart blue light special. And Peter’s wearing pleated jeans. Yikes.
We open in the SVH cafeteria, where Jessica is complaining about having to lose five pounds so that she can fit into a size four dress at the mall. Cara’s like, "You know what would be really gross? If the dress was a size 16 and you had to get really FAT so you could get into it!" The girls shudder and push away their hamburgers. Ugh. Fat people shouldn’t even be allowed to go to dances! Cara asks Jess who she’s taking to an upcoming PTA dance. Who’d be caught dead at a PTA dance? Cara, that’s who. And she’s taking Steven, of course. Jessica thinks Cara has become to dependant on Steven. Because he’s taking her to a dance? And wasn’t Jessica obsessed with getting them together in the first place? Well, continuity’s for losers.
Speaking of losers, Elizabeth sits down at the table, followed by Amy Sutton. Amy is excited to be throwing a pre-dance party with her new boyfriend, Peter DeHaven. Peter is a senior science whiz who has been accepted early into MIT. Everyone at the table is like, "But Amy, Peter’s so smart and you’re so dumb." Amy says she knows that, but Peter always talks about parties and shoes and stuff so that she can understand him. Suddenly a petite redhead named Julie Porter joins them. Julie is a musical genius, the daughter of two other musical geniuses’ and a sister of Johanna, a non-musical genius. In fact, Johanna's not a genius at all. She got C’s and D’s in all of her classes, then dropped out of school six months before her mother was killed in a car crash. That sucks. Now Johanna has decided to come back to school. Julie tells the gang that today is Johanna’s first day back and Amy is so embarrassed for Julie. And says that out loud, because Amy? Dumb. Liz thinks it’s great and knows that she will have to help (butt in) if Johanna is going to get through this. Here we go.
Johanna is in the girl’s bathroom thinking about how she dropped out of school and ended up waitressing at the Whistle Stop Café out on Route One. Then her mom died and she realized that she couldn’t spend her life making fried green tomatoes in the 1930’s. Two girls come in and Johanna awkwardly explains to them that she is back and then leaves so that the girls can pee, already. Johanna walks down the hall thinking about how beautiful she is and how it’s kind of worthless since she’s so dumb. That’s…weird. But let’s go with it.
So now Johanna is in the lunch line, thinking about how nice Bruce Patman has become since he started dating that new deaf girl. She thinks about how Elizabeth Wakefield has already volunteered to tutor her in English so that she can butt in and come over to the Porter’s house. Liz is the same, then.
Johanna goes out to sit on the SVH lawn and sees Peter DeHaven. Johanna loves Peter. Always has. Peter says hello and offers to tutor Johanna in science. Than Amy grabs Peter and Johanna is sad that Peter already has a stupid girlfriend.
Later at the beach Jessica tells Cara that she is boring and that she should see people other then Steven. I agree. Jess sharpens her knife by telling Cara that Steven is probably bored with her, too. Cara believes her because Jessica has always been so trustworthy and helpful. Elizabeth just sits there.
That night Liz goes to tutor Johanna in the Porter’s breakfast room in their mansion. The housekeeper leaves so that they can have privacy. Liz admires Johanna’s Victorian blouse and flowered jumper. Liz and Johanna read a story together and Johanna acts less like an idiot and more like a whiny brat. "I don’t know! It’s just a story! I don’t wanna write a stupid essay!" See, Johanna isn’t dumb. Just lazy and spoiled and a really, really bad dresser.
On Friday afternoon Johanna is doing some extra work in the chemistry lab. She loves chemistry! She loves science! You know who else loves science? Peter, who comes in and spends a half hour bragging about his own awesomeness. He doesn’t ask Johanna anything about herself but does ask her to come to his brother’s friend’s house to get some science notebooks with him this weekend. Um, fun? Johanna says yes, of course.
That night Johanna tells Julie about Peter and Julie’s like, "Peter’s a total dick with feathered hair and a stupid girlfriend." Johanna runs out of the room.
Meanwhile at the Wakefield house, Steven comes home and Liz greets him like she doesn’t see him twice a week. Steve says he brought home some anniversary gifts for Cara. Anniversary? How long have they been dating? A month? Three weeks? Jessica tells Steven that she thinks Cara probably forgot their anniversary since she’s been partying and whoring it up when he’s at college. Steve is confused.
Johanna gets ready for her date by putting on her best flowered Laura Ashley dress and dabbing on some nameless perfume. Probably something eighties and gross like Malibu Musk. Peter tells her she looks like she should be in a field somewhere. Johanna takes that as a compliment. I’m not so sure… well, whatever. They get in Peter’s car and he talks about trying to win a science competition. He says the winner gets a scholarship to the college of his choice. Or her choice, Johanna says. Peter is taken aback. He says he didn’t expect Johanna to care about sexism and stuff. They get to Notebook Guy’s house and he is really sweet and asks Johanna all about her hobbies and family. Peter tunes them out like the sexist asshole he is. They get back in the car and drive to some canyon to make out. Wow, this Peter guy is a real peach.
The next day, Johanna and Elizabeth are having a tutoring session by the Wakefield’s swimming pool. Johanna is wearing a lace blouse and a long, flowered skirt. I think at the end of this book Johanna might end up finding Jesus. But at the moment she is telling Liz all about Peter. Liz thinks that Peter already has a girlfriend. That’s the all the tutoring Johanna is going to get today because Steven comes out and starts bitching about Cara and math. Johanna has her own non-relationship issues but she does do all of Steven’s college-level math problems for him. Liz and Steve are amazed. Johanna may not be stupid after all! Or maybe Steve is just really, really dumb. Did they ever think about that?
Jess and Cara are at the Box Tree Café in town, sipping iced tea after playing doubles tennis with Bruce and Roger when…. Where? What? Suddenly we’re in a whole other series. Cara is having a hard time in this alternate universe where Steven is mad at her for no reason and she sits around sipping iced tea. Jessica tells Cara not to worry, that Steven is just an asshole in general. Best Sister Ever.
That night Liz interrupts Jessica’s thigh exercises to ask her about Amy and Peter. Liz asks Jess if she can keep a secret. Why do we always have to go through this? Elizabeth, has Jessica ever kept one of your secrets safe? Ever? Ever? You don’t deserve to be anyone’s tutor! Anyway, Jessica says yes and Liz tells her all about that two-timing Peter DeHaven. Jessica’s all, "Well, I never!" These books are so weird.
On Monday, Johanna finally dresses like a normal teenager in a sundress. Someone named Lucy Hawkins is mean to her in homeroom but Johanna doesn’t care because Lucy’s hair is mousy brown. Johanna walks up to Peter, who is surrounded by Amy, Jessica, Lila, Ken and Aaron, and asks him how he is. Peter blows her off and Johanna is humiliated. Unlike Lucy Hawkins, this group has perfect highlights, and Johanna cries and runs away. She spends her lunch hour working in the chemistry lab. Peter comes in and tells her that he’s sorry, but he can’t have the girl he’s cheating with coming up to his girlfriend in the hallways at school. It’s chaos. Johanna agrees that it’s awkward and tells Peter she’ll go out with him Tuesday night.
There is a tutoring scene with Liz that doesn’t advance the plot at all so I’m ignoring it. I feel so naughty.
That night, Johanna tells Julie that she’s thinking of going to the dance with Peter. Julie says that Peter is going to the dance with Amy. Mr. Porter comes home, and Johanna runs up to her room sobbing because Peter is the only man who loves and respects her. Uh-oh. Forget Jesus. This girl has Playmate written all over her. She’ll be calling Dr. Drew with her itty-bitty baby girl voice soon, if things don’t start changing.
The next day at lunch, Lila and Jessica talk about bringing Bridgewater boys to the PTA dance. Bridgewater is a suburb of Sweet Valley. Sweet Valley has suburbs? Yes, it does. And Bridgewater is not only a suburb, it’s the suburb. Jess and Li are dating Bridgewater Boys so that they can be invited to the Bridgewater Debutante Ball. Cara doesn’t care about that bullshit, she just wants to know what ran up Steven’s ass and died. Jessica tells Cara to ask Ken Matthews to the PTA dance. She does.
Johanna is in the Library studying when Amy comes in with a gang of SVH cheerleaders that doesn’t include Jessica. Amy is obnoxious and loud and the other girls tell her to shut the hell up, already. Amy gets in one more jab about Peter and her fabulous pre- PTA dance party then leaves. Johanna tries to flee but runs into the group, plus Peter, hanging outside the library. Peter ignores her. That’s the bargain.
Later, Peter catches up with Johanna and they go to his house while Amy is safely tucked away at a pep rally. Peter makes Johanna go through all of his old photo albums and scrapbooks and Johanna wonders if he even knows her last name. Johanna reads about the computer program Peter is writing for the science competition. She’s written a few computer programs of her own, but realizes that Peter is too busy putting his photo albums in chronological order to hear about them.
The next day at school, Johanna’s science teacher tells the class that they suck and should be ashamed of their latest exam scores. Except Johanna, who got an "A." After class, her teacher tells her that she’s shown a real aptitude for science and math and that she could even get into some advance placement classes next year. Johanna is amazed. She’s smart. Even at boy stuff like math and science!
Jessica and Amy are putting on their makeup after an "aerobic workout." Jessica is outlining her eyes with blue eyeliner. Because it’s 1987 and fucking Glamour magazine was telling us to match our eyeliner to our eye color. My sixth grade picture is a travesty of permed hair and blue eyeliner. Hey! My spell-check doesn’t recognize the word "permed." How far we’ve come. Jessica tells Amy that she managed to break up Cara and Steven. Amy thinks Jessica is mean. Jessica tells Amy to mind her business. And by "business" she means Peter and his "girl on the side." Amy is horrified and runs out to find Peter.
She does, and yells at him for cheating on her. Peter tells her he’s not "cheating" he’s "tutoring." Amy tells him never to see Johanna again and Peter goes inner-monologue on us and has a Seinfeldian fight between his brain and his penis. His penis wins and he writes a note to Johanna telling her that they’ve been found out and that he can’t see her anymore. Johanna loses it and blames Liz for ratting her out. She’s going to leave school again because she keeps screwing everything up. She tells Liz she’s going to go back to Whistle Stop. But she can’t- they tore it down when that old lady had to go to the nursing home.
Elizabeth runs out and yells at Jessica for telling Amy and Jessica whines until Liz bends over. Elizabeth says that she doesn’t want Johanna to drop out of school again and Jessica tells her to relax and look forward to the dance.
Everyone at Amy’s party is having a miserable time. Amy and her peach colored jumpsuit are still mad at Peter and Jessica. Jessica’s mad at Amy. Steven’s mad at Cara. Cara’s mad at Steven. Julie’s mad at Peter. Peter’s mad at his penis.
At the dance, Lila mocks the "primitive" atmosphere of the gym. Jessica doesn’t care. She’s too busy admiring her own white leather miniskirt and tiny top. Jessica Wakefield or Cindy Mancini? Careful, Jess. This could lead to a strange agreement between you and Winston Egbert. Cara and Steven suddenly spy each other across the crowded gymnasium and make up. Amy sits down next to Liz and Jeffrey and Liz thinks about how Amy is a "vain, silly creature." Liz’s inner monologue sounds like a sixty year old grandma in the ante-bellum south. Amy makes a crack about Johanna and Peter doesn’t defend her. Elizabeth tracks him down later and tells him off.
On Monday, Peter sees Johanna in the student lounge and doesn’t so much apologize to her as bitch and moan about not being able to complete his computer program. Johanna gives him an idea that she got from watching Nova. Peter charmingly replies, "That sounds a little simple Johanna. This is for the Science Fair, remember?" Johanna spits in his face and kicks him in the crotch. Well, she doesn’t but she does realize that Peter’s not so peachy after all. She’s not sad to see him go. She is sad, however that she’s become infamous at SVH for being "the other woman." For God’s sake, put a scarlet letter on her and be done with it. Some mean girls talk sass about her in the locker room and Johanna does what Johanna does best and runs away.
Elizabeth stalks Peter again and berates him for being an asshole. Peter agrees that he’s an asshole and walks home feeling ashamed of himself. He decides that he has been afraid of Johanna’s maturity. At home, he uses Johanna’s "simple" idea to finish his computer program. He realizes that it might be possible for a girl to be smart. This is all so heartwarming. Peter tracks Johanna down and apologizes to her. He tells her not to ruin her life by dropping out of school just because he fucked everything up.
Johanna goes home that night and finds her father sitting alone in the living room. He tells her that he wished she had told him how much she had been hurting. They cry and hug and appreciate each other and stuff.
A month later, Johanna is doing well in school and, through Elizabeth, she has made some friends. Peter tries to ask her out and she turns him down. Yay!
Jessica and Lila are in the cafeteria gossiping about Susan Stewart, a rich, well dressed classmate. She has red hair. SVH really does have an unusual amount of redheads doesn’t it? All the mousy-brown haired kids probably had to dye their hair red for social acceptance. Anyway, Susan has some good clothes but she also has a Long-Lost Mama who may or may not be rich and famous. We’ll find out soon enough, because Jess and Li are on the case.