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I've never posted here, but i love this place!! I've been reading up on all your reviews and have therefore adopted the traditional snark style, but hopefully that's okay. Anyway, onwards....
First, the Cover.
Maria is holding a bat…because she is scared that the dead body will attack?? And I don’t know what’s up with the twins. Im so confused. On first glance, I assume the one in pink must be Jess..because she would never be caught dead in a jean blouse tied at the waist, right? But Pink’s hair is in a ponytail, plus is wearing elastic waist pants…and I assume Jess would be the one to actually uncover the body…that is if this scene had actually ever happened. If there had actually even been a dead body in the first place, if they had actually even set foot in the damn basement. Bah! I’ve ruined the ending….
Oh well, here goes. And beware, i think my summary is basically as long as the book is...
Chapter One:
It starts off with Elizabeth excitedly showing Jess a fucking stupid Amanda Howard Computer. Game. The advertisement says “Join Christine Davenport as she tries to unravel the mystery of the lost letter.” And Elizabeth actually starts fantasizing about how much fun she’ll have playing the game. Really Elizabeth? Imagine the titillating suspense as Nancy…er, Christine, looks under the mattress, in her desk drawers, and finally….DUN DUN DUN….finds the letter on the kitchen table! Phew! That was a close one! Elizabeth complains that it costs fifty dollars. Too bad. I thought she was supposed to be all saving her money and shit? What, she doesn’t have fifty dollars stashed in her sock drawer? For shame, Elizabeth.
Jessica shows absolutely no interest in the computer game that sounds like it was geared to six year olds, and instead shows Lizzie a magazine add with blouses (yes, blouses) that cost seventy five dollars. Cue the stock paragraph of the looks-alike-but-are-so-different-but-still-remain-the-best-of-friends! Shit that I don’t even bother to read anymore. Jessica wistfully wishes she could afford such a blouse in purple because “Lila and Janet would be so jealous!” WTF is up with the blouses they always talk about in SV? I’m pretty sure that when I was twelve, I wouldn’t be caught dead in a fugly blouse. What ever happened to t-shirts and sweatshirts? The only reason I own a button up shirt at the age of 23 at all, is because I have a job and am therefore required to have a somewhat professional-ish wardrobe. Fuck you, twins, and your dam blouses. You make me puke.
Liz does some quick calculating and figures it will take two months to save up fifty dollars. So lets see…since I can’t do math in my head (wow, Lizzie really IS smart!!), let me just pull up the old computer calculator here….This means the twins earn an average of 6.25 a week in allowance…WHAT?!? The copyright on this book says 1997. I was in the seventh grade in 1997, so I was just a year older than them at this point in my life. I don’t remember earning 6.25 a damn week. I guess we were more along the lines of the Mandy Miller type of income. (i.e., thrift store pov). And they’re complaining! Don’t forget to account for tax, Liz. You just tacked on another week or two right there.
“Maybe if she showed them just how expensive the basic necessities of life are...” Shut up, Jessica. If Liz is so frugal and responsible, then she damn well has money in the bank. I was a cheap bastard, and with babysitting and shit, I had hundreds saved up. So the twins wonder how to get money. She vetoes babysitting (since a mere few weeks ago they had the whole Riccoli kids’ mini-series. Didn’t they have some kind of fire séance to get rid of some evil spirit? Heh.) Elizabeth actually shudders at the thought of babysitting again! Good. At least they are showing that their fragile psyches are irrevocably damaged for at least a book or two after some crazy shit like that happens. Jessica Balks at dog-sitting because of the poop factor (come on jess, as if Liz wouldn’t be doing all the work anyway), so they settle on house sitting, something Jessica finds appropriately easy. They think of the brilliant company name of Wakefield and Wakefield for their business and print out hundreds of fliers. Psh, that’s a whole lot of paper, Jess. (and she originally wanted thousands.) Didn’t you chain yourself to a tree at one point? Steve comes in for some comic relief and asks who stole the TV Guide while it is actually in his back pocket. Oh, Steven.
On Tuesday morning, Liz is called to the principles office, and Mr. Clark mentions the flier. Elizabeth starts stuttering about if they needed permission to hang them up at school. (Aww, Liz. I probably would have been shitting my pants, too. ) Breath, Liz, he is just going out of town and wants to use your services. Mr. Clark seems unsure about Jessica’s ability to not break anything (I thought Liz was the klutz for some reason?) or throw any parties in his absence. (Mr. Clark, you fool! Don’t give them ideas!)Liz vouches for Jessica’s responsible side, and since Mr. Clark is in a jam and should have left town five minutes ago, he gives her a key and tells her he lives on Mercury drive next door to the church. (in case anyone takes these kinds of notes of tier SV trivia notebook…). For some reason, the key is blue. This is not important, but I find it strange. Just before he blusters out (Liz notes that He seems so flustered, he is usually so together. Take note, Chickies, this might prove to be a clue!), he raises his finger in the air, and cries, “Oh! The basement! Don’t go down there! It’s…not safe.”
Thanks for the clue, Mr. Clark. Now we KNOW your hiding something!!! What could it be?
Chapter Two.
Jessica feels all smug at the Unicorner about having a job. (Why? Is she stupid or something? We all know that real unicorns don’t need to work for a living.) Lila is suitable unimpressed, and looks down her nose at Jessica, and they all tease about who would hire Jessica to house sit. Until they all realize what a good snooping and gossip opportunity this could be. Fuck, who cares? He is your old, bald principle.
After school, they walk down to Mr. Clarks’ house. Jess is excited to snoop in all his stuff, and Liz is aghast. “Jessica! We are not going through Mr. Clarks’ things!” Fuck you, Liz. Grow some damn balls. Jess points out the Church on Mercury drive, so Liz reasons, “so that house over there must be Mr. Clarks.” Good one, Liz. Your powers of deduction amaze me. For someone smart enough to skip to the seventh grade, Liz sure is a huge tool.
Mr. Clark’s house is very nice inside. They note that it must have been done by an interior decorator. “The living room was done in mauve and gray. Everything blended perfectly, right down to the knick-knacks on the tables and the pictures on the wall.”
My first thought? Mr. Clark is a flaming homosexual. Mauve? And I don’t know, but grey seems like a kind of a dark and depressing decorating color. Mrs. Wakefield, you’re fired! But, oh, there’s a picture of Mrs. Clark. Oh well, so much for that theory. The twins are startled by the bongo f the grandfather clock, and Liz is such a wuss that she holds Jessica’s hand. Then, they see a face at the window. But phew, it’s just the next door neighber, an old lady in a housecoat and curler, Mrs. Collins, there to drop off a package for Mrs. Clark that was delivered to her by mistake. I wonder if that’s Mr. Collins’ mom? Anyway, she’s all surprised that they are out of town. “I didn’t think Mr. Collins ever went anywhere during the school year!”
Liz notices that the package is stamped overnight delivery, but is postmarked three weeks ago. Wouldn’t Mrs. Clark have called about the missing package? Hmmm, something doesn’t add here! Get your nose out of it, Liz. How do you know she didn’t?
Then there’s a debacle with the fish they are supposed to feed. Wouldn’t you know, Liz bumps into jess, and the fish bowl falls on the floor and breaks. Whatever, fish bowl are make of stronger shit than that. It wouldn’t have broken. Oh well, what’s a story without some shenanigans? (And they need a plausible reason to go into the closet to find a fish net, otherwise how else would they find the blood covered knife…what a minute I’m getting ahead of myself.) So, the fish are flopping around on the floor and Liz rushes off to find something to put them in. But she’s taking her sweetass time, so Jess picks up the fish (with her bare hands - I find this highly unlikely, ghostwriter. Do your research!) and dumps them into the toilet. Liz finally comes in with a punch bowl and is given the task of getting the fish out of the toilet bowl. But she’s all, EWW GROSS! WTF? Did I miss a personality switch or something? Fuck you, Liz. The water is clean, you douchebag. It’s not like Mr. Clark left a huge dump in there. But Lizzie is grossed out and insists on going to find a fish net to get them out. And lo and behold, when they search the closet for fish supplies, they find a knife with dried blood on it.
DUN DUN DUN.
Chapter three.
(I think my summaries are as long as the book itself. Oops! I’ll try to shorten them up, people!)
So, they nervously decide that it was a fishing knife; NO WAI could it be human blood on the knife. (well, duh, what kind of retarded murderer leaves the bloodied weapon laying in plain view in the closet, wrapped up in an old shirt? That’s too easy) They use MR Clark’s rain boots to transport the fish. While taking the punch bowl with the fishies to put on the kitchen table, Jessica notices a clump of hair in the door hinge. Uh, gross. And then…three “dime sized” dots of blood on the floor. Um, that’s pretty big blood drops. And it right by the BASEMENT DOOR!! Who wouldn’t wipe that shit up?
The twins (Well, Jess really) logically decide that someone has murdered Mrs. Clark. Think of the Evidence Liz!
“We’ve found a bloody knife. We’ve found blood by the basement door. We’ve found hair stuck in the hinge…and what about that package that came earlier?"What if…somebody…I don’t know did something to her?” Liz laughs, but you know she’ll come around eventually. She always does.
The next day, Mrs. Knight, the secretary, calls Liz in to ask her if Mr. Clark left a number where he could be reached. She notes that she doesn’t even know where she went and it is so unlike him to leave so suddenly. She mentions that neither he nor his wife has any family. Apparently, its one of the things that attracted them to each other. The fuck?
Then, conveniently, Maria Slater is working in the school office during her free period Monday’s Wednesdays and Fridays doing filing. Um, what free period? There is no such thing as spares in sixth grade, as far as I’m aware of. What kind of special-ed school do these kids go to? And, ps, what a goody goody. Well, its apparently part of her life skills class. There you go girls. The skills you need in life are to know the alphabet so you too can one day work as a file clerk in the secretary’s office. No needs to set your sights any higher. We all know girls are good as secretaries and nothing else. Leave the real jobs for those with appendages between their legs.
Moving on. Ms Knight is a huge idiot. She gets off the phone and tells Maria she was talking to the Lakeview nursing home…you know, where Donna, Mr. Clark’s wife works? Donna hasn’t been to work in three weeks! Mr. Clark called them and told them she would be taking a leave of absence. Suspicious!! And um…breach of fucking confidence?
Back to the twins. The twins are back at Mr. Clarks after school, and the doorbell rings. When Jessica answers there is a cute boy with freckles. Jessica tosses her hair and purrs, “Well, Hello.” Hehe. Cocktease, even at the tender age of twelve. It’s the paper boy, here to collect for the past two months. He was here last month, but when he heard all the yelling, he was too embarrassed to ring the bell. He wonders why they didn’t cancel the paper, like they usually do when they’re out of town. Uh oh, the clues are just a-pilin’ up and Jess is becoming more and more suspicious!
Chapter Four!
Jessica “can’t take it anymore” and starts snooping. Yes! My kind of girl. I can’t believe she held out this long! The Clark’s bedroom is even messier than Jessica’s! There are clothes strewn everywhere, and then bed isn’t made. The Clarks obviously left in a hurry! (Um, yes. Nice deduction. This was plainly told to us about three times and hinted at at least three. I think we’ve got it.) Jessica looks in the closet and finds a beautiful purple dress. Jess thinks, “if only Mrs. Clark would let her borrow it sometime…” seriously.
And then she notices, gasp, that ALL of Mr. Clarks clothes are gone! All the clothes in the room are women’s!! (Hmm, maybe he’s a cross dresser?) It’s almost as if….MR CLARK HAS NO INTENTION OF COMING BACK!!! Because he’s left for a cross-dressing convention out of state! There, he will meet his gay lover Francois, where he will be free in his homosexual, cross-dressing glory, and…
Ahem. The phone rings. IT is a gruff man named Harry, who tells Jessica to give Mr. Clark the message: “I’m willing to do the uh…work he asked about.” (Sex change operation?). I like how it is noted after he speaks that Harry puts an emphasis on the word ‘work’. Yeah, we got that from the italics, Jamie Suzanne. Thanks. Anyway, Harry seems upset when Jessica says Mr. Clark is out of town. He says he will come by on Friday, and someone better be there to let him in. He has important business…in the Basement!! There’s a problem he has to take care of. Apparently he says this mysteriously. I’m so sure, Jess. Like we trust your judgment. Jess runs to find Liz, where she relays again all the incriminating details they’ve found, in case we haven’t been paying attention.
“It’s obvious Mr. Clark has murdered his wife and now he’s on the run!”
Took you long enough Jess. I saw this coming from like, page five. Jess declares they have to go down to the basement to find out for sure what’s going on.
Shit. It’s locked. Liz is relived. She predicts Jess sure will feel dumb when the Clark’s return safe and sound, but Jess counters that it’s Liz who will end up feeling dumb. Personally, my money’s on them both. It won’t take long for Jess to drag Liz over to the dark side.
Chapter Five
Jess is at school and has told the Unicorns that Mr. Clark has murdered his wife. Of course, they all consider the evidence and believe it.
Liz tells her friends all the weird stuff that’s been happening, and Julie and Maria both seems to think that Mr. Clark did commit the murder. Maria tells them about what she heard in the office, about Mrs Clark not being at work for three weeks.
It doesn’t take long for Caroline Pearce to hear the gossip and spread it around school. Even Bruce Patman believes it (and he’s no fool. He’s a Patman, one of the wealthiest and smartest families in town!)
Back at Mr. Clarks, Jessica is trying to find a key to the basement, but no luck. Liz tells her to quit trying to get in the basement, Mr. Clark is no murderer. Boo. What a boring chapter.
Chapter 6
Liz is lying in bed thinking about everything. She wonders why Mr. Clark was so vehement about not going in the basement if it was locked anyway. Could Jess be right? (No. Elizabeth, don’t be stupid. Jessica is never right.) But why would Mr. Clark have hired the twins if it were true? Then, an epiphany! To throw everyone of track, that’s why!!! She remembers an Amanda Howard mystery "Murder the old fashion way” (Really. That’s the name of the book. Now, I just remembered something. Didn’t Liz use to like really lame horse books? Who wrote those books? It better not have been Amanda Howard, too. ) where the guy murders his wife and hides her in the crawl space under the stairs…Then, when the police come, the guys hears the heartbeat of the wife from under the stairs…oh wait, no. That’s the tell-tale heart. My mistake.
Anyway, what would Nancy Drew Christine Davenport do? She would go to Mr. Clarks and find the Clues! So, off Liz goes at 12:00 at night to Mr. Clarks to break in and search the house. On the way, she regrets not getting Jessica to come along and throws some peoples at Maria’s window, whose house is conveniently on the way. Lame.
Arriving at Mr. Clarks, the girl’s notice a car parked right in front of the house. The car suddenly starts and drives away. Who could it have been? (Who cares?) They notice a flash of light in the upstairs window. They nervously wonder whether this is such a good idea. (Ya think? There is possible a burglar up there, fools! But how much do ya want to bet its Jessica?) But WWCDD? She’d go in, so….in they go.
They open a room that smells like paint. All the furniture is covered in sheets. Could it be that they are painting the room. Nah, the possibility isn’t even considered. More likely, someone has closed up the room because they’re not planning to return. Um…right. Because why only the one room? As they go to leave the room, Liz turns the knob on the door…and feels it turning from the other side!!
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!11
Chapter 7
Liz screams, there are more screams and….Surprise! Jessica? (Hands up if you saw that one coming). With Mandy? I can’t believe it wasn’t Ellen. Isn’t many supposed to be slightly sensible? Good job Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield. Both your daughters are breaking into their principal’s house in the middle of the night, and you don’t have the slightest clue.
The phone rings and they all scream again. (Shut up, bitches, it’s the middle of the damn night. Mr. Collin’s mom is trying to sleep next door). The answering machine picks up and it’s some Guo Li from Beijing, calling to say he found Mr. Clarks wallet on the train and sent it to the American embassy in China. Huh?
Mandy and Jess want to call the Police, but Liz decides they need to get into the basement for further proof. They decide to come back the next afternoon to take the door off the hinges and get down to the basement.
The girls get home, and it’s Three-thirty in the morning. Why doesn’t Mr. Wakefield hear them come in a think it’s a burglar? He should have come down with a bat or a taser gun. That would have been funny. Anyway, the twins are both in Jessica’s room, and Liz is stuttering that she’s scared of what they’ll find down in Mr. Clarks basement. She’s never seen a dead body before! (God, Liz. You’re so sheltered.)
Eight
The next day at school, Brain Boyd is sitting with Bruce Patman, Charlie Cashman, Jim Sturbridge, and Jerry McAllister. Wow, is Bruce hanging out with boys his own age? Where is Toddy boy, and Ken and Aaron? Weird! Brain says this is the first he’s heard about Mr. Clark being a murderer, but the rest of the boys say its old news. (What, from yesterday?) Oh wait, here’s Aaron. He says that they’ve already found the body, (lies!) and they believe him because he and Jessica are sort-of boyfriend and girlfriend. (Oh, god. Does this sort-of=-boyfriend shit piss anyone else off? FUCK!! I realize they are only in sixth grade, but if I have to hear about Todd being Liz’s sort-of boyfriend and Aaron being Jess’s sort-of boyfriend one more time…). Anyway they figure Mr. Edwards, the vice principle will probably become their principle, but for now they don’t have a principle Cool!
Lame. How pointless.
At the Unicorner, Jessica holds up a screwdriver and announces she found in the tool shed. Wow. Good work, Jessica. She invites the other unicorns to come along to Mr. Clarks later, but they all suddenly have to go shopping. Typical. Janet says that everyone will remember who it was that busted Mr. Clark, and that this will be very good fort the Unicorn Club. What the hell - they are a fucking middle school group of loser friends. Shut up Janet, you unbelievably huge whore. Nobody cares about you. But, Jessica likes the ego stoking and wonder is her picture will be on the front page of the papers, and if she will be interviewed on the news. Whatever, Jessica. Nobody cool watches the news.
Anyway, the girls are at Mr. Clarks and trying to get the door off the hinges. Except wait, with the door closed, the screws are on the inside. DUH!! The doorbell rings and it’s that Harry guy to do the work in the basement. Elizabeth points out that the door is locked, but Harry pulls out a skeleton key. Mandy is so stupid that she doesn’t even know what a skeleton key is. He opens the door and goes downstairs, warning them not to come down. Jessica thinks he’s here to dispose of the body. After a few hours, Harry finally comes back upstairs with a huge metal box that he drags out on his dolly. He warns them that it won’t be safe down there for another 24 hours. Obviously, Mrs. Clark is in that box. There isn’t time to call the police - Harry is leaving!! What to do? Elizabeth the genius comes up with a plan - they have to follow him!
Nine
They follow the van to a hazardous waste dump. A man comes out and they take the box inside. Harry comes out gain, and the girls start riding back. The van pulls up beside them and Harry asks them if they are following him. Terrified, the girls say no, but she recognizes them. Oh noes! Liz hears a click, and Yells at everyone to run. Dropping their bikes, they take off to a house on a hill (the first house they see - they are in an industrial area I guess.) Wouldn’t thier bikes be faster? Whatever, it doesn’t even matter. The van just drives off. Scared that he’s waiting for them down the road at the bottom of the hill, the girls split up and agree to meet at the police station.
Each group of girls has a scare where they think they see the van but its not it. Oooooh, scary
Ten
The girls meet at the station and demand to speak to someone in charge. They tell Officer Larson that there has been a murder, Mr. Clark is the murderer, he lives on Mercury drive, and they have proof, blah blah. Surprisingly, the office doesn’t laugh in their face, but brings them into his office so they can tell him the whole story.
He decides to check out Mr. Clark’s house, and calls for backup. Heh. The girls all get to ride in a police car to Mr. Clark, with the sirens blaring and everything, and there are one or two more police cars following them.
They get to Mr. Clarks, but there is a light on. Someone’s there! GASP!! Who is it? Harry? The officer tells them to wait in the car and the officers move to the front door. Then…Mr. Clark walks out! Liz runs up to him and asks, “What are you doing here?” Smart move, Liz. Walk right up to the murderer. For some reason, they find it necessary to include that Mr. Clark is wearing a pair of jeans and an olive green shirt. And not just any shirt. Importantly, it’s V-necked. Well, what the hell? Where is his balaclava and gloves and black catsuit? Isn’t that what real murderers wear? And then, Mrs. Clark walks to the door, too! And she’s with a small, dark haired child!
Jessica asks, “What's going on here?” And hilariously, the Officer Larson turns ominously to her and replies, “You tell me.”
Chapter Eleven
The girls start jabbering about Harry and the Box. Mrs. Clark just smiles fondly at the little girl and says they just got back from china, and Mr. Clark explains that they have been trying to adopt a child for a while now. Then they heard about orphanages overseas with older children. They got a call from one, and Mrs. Clark had to drop everything and get to china right away. Then, when they heard it was definite, Mr. Clark left too. Why didn’t they tell anyone what was up, you asks?
Insert sob story here. A few years ago, they though they were going to get a child from Romania, but it fell through, and they were heartbroken. And on top of that, they had to tell everyone they didn’t get a child after all. Well, Mr. Clark it was definite when YOU went to china. You couldn’t have told someone then? Whatever.
Apparently the basement was done with lead paint, which is hazardous to children, so they wanted it removed before the new kid got there. And MR Clark didn’t want Jessica and Liz to go down there and breathe it in either. So, harry was there to remove the paint, and the box was full of debris. Mr. Clark is surprised that the girls followed harry to the waste dump, but they tell him it’s because they though maybe he was a thief and has stolen from them. Smooth.
For some reason Officer Larson doesn’t tell the Clarks what they really thought. Jessica asks about the clothes in the Clarks closet and Mr. Clark explains that they are moving their bedroom into the room down the hall, which used to be a study, so that the adopted child can have…the master bedroom? That doesn’t fly with me. Why the fuck wouldn’t they just make the study into the room for the kid? I have trouble believing the study is a big room. Oh well.
Jessica keeps bringing up all the over “evidence” like the hair in the door frame and the bloody knife and the blood on the floor. For some reason Mr. and Mrs. Clark just smile and take it. Apparently Mrs. Clark was so excited when she got the call from the agency that she tripped and fell when she went to call Mr. Clark. She was holding a bar of scissors and cut her leg. She must have caught some hair in the door hinge.
And then, get this.
“You should never run with scissors” Mandy said, wagging her finger at Mrs. Clark.
Oh. My. God. You have got to be kidding. And the bloody knife? IT really was Mr. Clarks fishing knife. Go figure. Mrs. Clark chastises him and tells him hell have to be more careful with a toddler around the house. And since Mr. Clark is so happy about his new adopted daughter, he isn’t mad about the girls dragging the police down.
They twins get home and Jessica gloats about how they got away with it. But then Liz reminds her that everybody in school still things Mr. Clark is a murderer. Ha.
Twelve
So, everyone is surprised that Mr. Clark is back at school. The way the twins cover their tracks is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Jerry tells Mr. Clark “aren’t you supposed to be in jail?” And Elizabeth says they never said anything about jail…but they did say something about mail...after all, it was one of their jobs. Jessica spills the beans about their adopted daughter from China to change the subject and when Caroline is surprised that his wife is alive, Elizabeth kids that is good she’s back, since its been so long since she was around that people might think she’d died or something.
And then, the ubiquitous party…Jessica suggests throwing a party for Mr. and Mrs. Clark and Janelle (the little girl). They have it at school, and decorate the gym and have punch and cake. Woo.
The unicorns make fun of Jessica for thinking Mr. Clark killed his wife, and Janet is pissed that Jessica made the unicorns look bad. Jess throws them off course by enlisting them to help throw the baby shower.
Thirteen
Mrs. Clark is all impressed with the white and purple streamers. While Elizabeth the suck up helps her clean up, she notices Mrs. Clark’s earrings. She asks where she got them, and Mrs. Clarks says she made them. Liz asks if making jewelry is hard, and that’s the last line. Seriously. What a shite ending. .
But it’s a segway, I suppose, for the next SVT installment, because then, the bolded and italizseed font asks, “What happens when Elizabeth decides to make some earrings? Find out in Sweet valley twins #110, pumpkin Fever.
Isn’t that more Jessica’s thing? Oh well.