Sweet Valley High #32: The New Jessica
Oh, man. I've never made a livejournal post before. I know I'm going to bungle it and all the text is going to appear on the front page and look awful and I'll mess up the tags and headings and everyone'll laugh. Please, mods, fix it? I beg you! I'll take you out for a pizza at Guido's and invite you to my next Pick-Up Party, honest!
I have to do it. It’s going to be long-winded and self-centered and annoying and way too detail-oriented, but I gotta dive in by recapping one of my favorite SVH monstrosities of all time: The New Jessica!
Admit it, the New Jessica, in all her pre-goth Eurotrash glory, has got it ALL OVER the New Elizabeth with her stupid temporary perm and surfing lessons.
Don’t get me wrong. I was never a Jessica fan. But I was a big fan of the Drastic Makeovers. And this one rocks.
The book opens with Elizabeth writing in her journal “Dear Diary: Liz + Jeffrey French = TLA 4-EVAH!” when Jessica comes barreling in, announces that something must be wrong with Liz’s mirror because she - Jess, that is - “looks fat,” tries to get Liz to make dinner so she - Jess, that is - can go to Lila’s for Parisian Fashion Show ‘n Tell, then asks if she can borrow Liz’s new peach knit dress. Peach was really big in 1986, when I was a junior in high school. I scored a slim peach skirt at JC Penney’s or Clothestime or someplace of that ilk. I also had a peach-and-green-and-black paint-splatter-looking shirt. Oversize, natch. Knit was also big... sweater-dresses and knit skirt-and-sweater sets and stuff like that. If Jess was really hip per 1986, she had matching peach pumps to wear with the dress. And oversized hoop earrings. Jess modestly thinks that she is going to look “fabulous...a million times better” in this peach knit dress than Lila, who’s going to be debuting her brand new French couture this week. In your dreams, Jessie.
But that’s not as dumb as Liz, who is twaddling in her diary about how in love with Jeffrey she is, despite the fact that he “was still, in many ways, a stranger.” Oh, but they’re totally in love. To heck with any silly “getting-to-know-you” phase before outing with the Three Little Words! So Liz writes in her diary - prolly with a pink sparkly bubblegum-scented ball-point pen - “The funny thing is that I feel so much more alive-so much more myself. How can that be?” and thinks “What was it about falling in love that made her content to spend her time this way, just mulling over everything that had happened so far and looking forward to what was coming next?” Because Liz is such a strong and centered individual that she comes alive and feels like herself when she has a boyfriend, der! So let’s sit around and goon about it! Whee!
Then Jessica spends dinner whining about being a “carbon copy” and decides she’s having an identity crisis as per Ingénue magazine and calls Cara and Lila for an “emergency ice-cream sundae” at Casey’s so she can talk about herself. So yeah. After cramming down buttered rolls at dinner, Jess goes to stuff her face with Oreo ice cream, but that’s totally okay, because Jess isn’t FAT like Robin Wilson or Cousin Jenny or any of those other lesser human beings she’s forced to share the planet with. But I guess it isn’t easy being Jessica Wakefield after all, kids, because when she wears Lizzie’s peach dress to school the next day, she has a HORRIBLE day because EVERYONE THINKS SHE’S ELIZABETH! Wahh! She drags Lila to one of their thrice-weekly trolls around the local mall, and decides that, with the help of her rich fashion-conscious friend, what she really needs is a super-dooper drastic makeover!
I now would like to crank up the Posh Spice concert catwalk soundtrack of “Vogue” and “Supermodel (You Better Work)” for the next segment.
Jess goes over to Lila’s mansion for a weekend of Makeovering, and pooh-pooh’s Lila’s suggestion of subtlety. What Jess wants is to turn into a whole new person, inspired by some Vogue article (Hm. Jess sure puts a lot of stock in magazine articles); she wants to be slim, sultry, striking, slinky, sophisticated.... “No more kid stuff!” she declares! Whatever you say, Jess.
Somehow, she and Lila manage to find the only black hair dye in the world that washes out of blonde hair with a couple shampoos, with no lingering greenish residue or damage or anything. Hell, it prolly has extra-special conditioning properties. There is no mention of them darkening Jessica’s presumably-blonde eyebrows to match. Klassy. (Which means I don’t even want to ask about the collar & cuffs, do I?) And I’m sorry, but Jess’s peaches-and-cream complexion touted by Ghostwriter on, like, page 2 would look like ASS with raven black hair. Someone needs to teach Jess about warm and cool colors. She’s totally an Autumn or Summer trying to dress like a Winter.
But because this is Sweet Valley and Jessica Wakefield, everything works out AMAZINGLY! Jessica looks GORJUS with her black hair! The rings of black eyeliner make her appear EXOTIC and FOREIGN! She doesn’t look like an inept attempt at Goth-Biker Chic or Elvira Mistress of the Dark or trashy day-after-the-night-before or anything... she totally looks like a French fashion model!
Lila breaks out all of her Hollywood salon makeup to slather on Jess’s face, then goes through all of her brand new Parisian couture to pack a suitcase of Sophisticated Wardrobe Staples and Accouterments for Jessie to take with her. I want a friend like Lila, dammit.
Jess is so overwhelmed by Lila’s awesome generosity that she starts talking in a Crazy Britney Spears fake British accent and talks about picking up some “French novels” to read. As if she reads anything but magazines.
So Jess, clad in a “casual” if Barbarella-ish weekend outfit of “a purple jumpsuit and lizard boots,” heads back to Casa Wakefield with a big “Surprise, everyone! Lookit me!” And this all shakes Liz out of her “OMG I SOOOO LOVE JEFFREY!!!!” diary-writing daze, and instead she runs upstairs to write “MY SISTER IS SOOOOO MEAN!!!! SHE’S BETRAYED OUR TWINIE-NESS!!!” with little frowny faces in the margin.
On Monday, the New Jessica gets all tarted up to go to school, and danged if she doesn’t look totally stunning and glamorous and stylish! She’s got on some long, slim-fitting olive green leather (LEATHER!) skirt and a big silk shirt and a hip-belt (ah, the 80s!) and three-inch heels and tons of chunky gold jewelry. An aside: her eyes are “darkened with lavish makeup” “sultrier than her usual look” but the typesetting has “lavish” split up on two lines, “lav-ish,” and for years I read it as “lavenderish makeup.” Because nothing sets of black hair and an olive green skirt with swoops of dusky purple makeup...? Hey, it made sense to me then. Not that 16-year-old Dwanollah ever ever ever tried to replicate this sophisticated look with her own slim-fitting olive green cotton skirt and “lavenderish” eye makeup. Never. No way.
In a brazen display of De-Twin-of-Elizabeth-ification, Jess has removed her gold lavaliere in favor of a big gold necklace and earrings, because, “according to Vogue, accessories made all the difference when it came to style.” Another aside: Jessica’s stunning accessories on the cover picture look like the cheap shit I had to get 5/$1 at the local swap meet.
And because she’s Jessica Wakefield, attention whore, she purposefully waits until after the bell to make a big entrance, and when she does, everyone in Ms. Dalton’s classroom flips out with excitement while Jess pretends to look bored and talks in her fakey-Brit-Brit accent about how she got her outfit at “some little place on the Left Bank.” And everyone thinks Jess is super-awesome now, and for weeks to come, the entire SVH student body will be on pins and needles waiting to see what she’ll wear to school and how she’ll do her hair next. YEAH! Who cares about Halley’s comet or the Challenger blowing up or Chernobyl or the Iran-Contra Affair?! The real news is, will Jessica Wakefield have her raven black hair tied back with a scarf today or not?
Seriously, no matter how popular the girl, if someone had shown up to school like Jess does, I hardly think her classmates would be shrieking about how fantastic and sophisticated she looks and that she should totally be a model. No, they’d be all “What the HELL did you DO?” and “Damn, girl, that looks stupid!” and “WTF, you think you’re all hot now or something?” And surely someone would call her out on the stupid fake accent. And by “someone” I mean LILA FOWLER!
Jessie then solidifies her sophistication by announcing to her classmates that she - newly daring and elegant - has important things to do: “‘Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I have to look at my magazine before my chemistry class.’ She removed a copy of Paris Match from her book bag as casually as possible.” Oh, SNAP, bitches! Jess is gonna... READ A MAGAZINE! Reading a tabloid is soooo sophisticated when it’s in French, n’est pas? And, of course, it isn’t like Jessica is really interested in any of this stuff anyway. It’s all just for show: “Who cared what was happening in Paris? The best play in the world was taking place right here in Sweet Valley High, and naturally, she had the starring role.”
With all of this Narcissistic Euro-Jessing, Elizabeth, of course, is at her whiney, prissy best. She whines to Enid that Jess has somehow changed “us,” the Wakefield twins, by changing herself. The horrors! I mean, yeah, I’m all for “Jessica is a selfish bitch” but I hardly think that not looking 100% like Elizabeth is the worst of her crimes. Then Liz is all passive-aggressive with that ding-dong Jeffrey who remarks that he’s happy that they look different now, and thus Liz decides this means Jeffrey + Liz no longer = TLA. So she goes to the Oracle office to scribble some more tear-splotched Entries of Great Twinnie Betrayal in her diary, which ends when Mr. Collins shows up to make her proof galleys, then escort her to his next-period English class. And oh no, Elizabeth forgets her journal, which has disappeared by the time she rushes back to the Oracle office!
But this is a stupid B-plot cliffhanger, because We-the-Reader have already been told that Penny’s accidentally moved it with a stack of other papers.
But who cares about whiney Liz and her stupid diary when we’ve got Fashions by EuroJess?! One day, Jess runs around in a “black silk jumpsuit and red high-heeled boots” with her “sleek black hair pulled back in a bun” and she’s got on a “red silk scarf” and “oversize earrings that Elizabeth thought were just a little bit much for everyday.” Because Liz was totally on board with the black silk jumpsuit and red boots hooker-superhero getup until Jess added the earrings...? Last week, it was a “white gauze dress and striped boots.” For those of you keeping count, that’s four different outfits, and three different pairs of boots thus far. Damn. Then she wears a “sweet little thing” she “just picked up at Lisette’s”: a long white slim-cut skirt, a white sweater with sequins, and a white beret, all of which look gorgeous contrasted with her black hair. Even I, who am deeply enamored of overdressing, find this a wee excessive for another day at school. I’m just glad it never rains in Sweet Valley or else Jess would have to worry about her hair leaking all over her outfit and staining it. Then it’s the “two piece knit dress” with matching stockings. If it’s a two-piece dress, then isn’t it a matching skirt and sweater...? Then she wears “black leather jeans” to the Beach Disco. Aren’t they either leather pants OR jeans? Because to my knowledge, jeans = denim. Then she wears “sleek gray trousers” with “a cherry-red blouse and a lightweight man-tailored gray jacket.” But thankfully, no more jumpsuits or boots. Despite what Sweet Valley would have you believe, while jumpsuits were pretty big in the 80s, especially the early 80s, they weren’t the be-all and end-all of fashion. Plus they sucked if you were long-waisted and stumpy-legged like me, the antecedent of many a camel-toe and/or wedgie. Whereas in Sweet Valley, I guess if it’s a special occasion or if you want to appear totally fashion conscious, you put on a stunning jumpsuit... usually in silk. Lynn Henry, Regina Morrow, Caroline Pearce, heck, even boho Olivia Davidson ends up putting on a snazzy jumpsuit at some point.
Anyway, the problem isn’t just with boots and jumpsuits. It’s that this New Jessica has embarked on a whole new “independent phase” and “was making a conscious effort to spend more time away from home, even going so far as to drive to the library at night to study” which we know would be complete bullshit because Jessica only reads magazines. So instead of spending time cradled in the warm bosom of the Wakefield family, Jessica has the stones to go other places like “the chic little coffee bar... a few blocks from the mall.” (The town of Sweet Valley has it all over Santa Barbara or San Juan Capistrano or San Clemente. I mean, they only have two dive bars and one low-end diner, but they have about a dozen different “exclusive” restaurants, three different high-end mansion-laden and debutant-ball-producing neighborhoods, and even a chic little coffee joint for EuroJess to go hang and read magazines! Foreign magazines, mind, but magazines nonetheless.)
The problem that remains unaddressed, though, is that Jessie doesn’t seem to be doing any of this New Jessica stuff out of any genuine interest. Rather, it’s all about what fits her outward image. You’d think Liz would notice that, that that might be her primary concern. You’d think even Ghostwriter would make something, ANYTHING, of that. But no. It’s all “We don’t LOOK ALIKE no mo'!”
EuroJess all but drops cheerleading because it’s not elegant, and thinks about starting ballet again because it is. New Jess spends all her time hanging out at L’autre Chose (“The Other Thing”) to drink espresso and goes to see subtitled films so she can “rave” about them to Lila, and sits around with an “I just smelled something icky” look on her face, which makes Lila go “It looks like your eyes are hurting you.”
To hell with Elizabeth; I want Lila to give New Jess a couple WTF bitchslaps! Like our Miss Lila Fowler would put up with this kind of bullshit without calling Jess on it?!
The other thing that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense is that New Jess has several big fans, namely, people she treated like shit in the past: Caroline Pearce and DeeDee Gordon. Despite the fact that Jessica has done some totally shitful things to both in the past, these girls are all ready to dry-hump Jessica’s leg and praise her and, in DeeDee’s case, hook her up with a modeling agent or fashion photographer, because (did I mention?) JESS LOOKS SOOOO FANTASTIC NOW! WOWIE!
I love Sweet Valley. Not only does it have all those “exclusive” restaurants and the WASPiest population outside of a meeting for the The Mayflower Society, but you also can treat people like total and complete crap, yet, if you’re pretty, if you LOOK GOOD, they’ll still forgive you and fawn all over you to do you favors.
I think we’re learning some valuable lessons here, kids.
So New Jess decides that, as per DeeDee’s suggestion, she’s going to pursue modeling. Not because of any deep interest in fashion or the body as art or any actual interest, mind. But. Because then, like Regina Morrow, she’ll get ATTENTION and everyone will be TALKING ABOUT HER!
Liz is still whining about her lost journal to Mr. Collins. She’s prolly just worried that Mr. C has taken it home and is lifting DNA samples from it, after first scanning the pages for any mention of his name within the bubble-writing pink-sparkly-ink passages. Mr. Collins suggests putting up a LOST notice. Because at a high school, the thing you want to do is post a card on a bulletin board that says: “LOST: DIARY! IF FOUND PLEASE RETURN TO ELIZABETH WAKEFIELD!” Who let him near impressionable young minds in the first place?!
I love how when Liz leaves her diary out on the desk in the office, no one takes it (on purpose), but later, Kris Lynch (what a name! He sounds like a pornographic serial killer) has to steal it out of Liz’s locker or book bag a couple times in order to betray her to all her friends with her “Dear Diary: My sister joined a cult! Enid loves Hugh! I still love Todd!” secrets. Yeesh.
Anyway, Liz is all “blah blah blah insecure” and “blah blah blah don’t really know Jeffrey that well yet” and worrying about their relationship in light of Jessica dying her hair and everything. And again, I gotta say, y’all are “in love!!!!” but you keep bangin’ on about how you “don’t know him that well,” Liz? So, because Liz is The Smart Twin, instead of, oh, talking to Jeffrey, Liz decides to have another snit-fit at him and stomp off.
But who cares about Liz when it’s time for one of the best scenes in any SVH book ever?! Yes, perched on a chair in a modeling agent’s office, Jessica closes her eyes, imagining being rich and famous and living in Beverly Hills after her modeling-slash-acting career has really taken off, throwing wild parties and wowing everyone with the knowledge that “sixteen-year-old Jessica Wakefield” is the supplier of such hedonistic delights. Yes, all this will happen before she’s even completed her junior year of high school! (Okay, I guess we’re deferring to Sweet Valley Time, where a year equals two decades.) But there’s one big problem. “Jessica Wakefield sounded too wholesome. Maybe Jessa would be better. Jessa Fields.” Oh, hells yeah! You know she has a list somewhere of Future Baby Names that include “Dakotah Mikayla” and “Regan Nichole” and “Brinley Emmalynne” and “Baxter-Blair” and “Tristain Reese.” JESSA FIELDS!
So remember, rejecting that which is wholesome/Wakefieldian in favor of that which is Other/Foreign = BAD! Remember Switzerland!
The agent-photographer dude LOOOOVES her “slightly European, cool and polished” look, so naturally Jessa Fields decides that she’s going to achieve worldwide fame by being picked to model at... er... the department store at the Valley Mall. She rushes home to hit her parents up for money, which, despite the fact that SHE’S BEEN USING THEIR CHARGE CARD WITHOUT PERMISSION TO BUY CLOTHES, they agree to lend her. The Wakefield Parents are made of awesome.
In the meantime, unaware of the Birth of Jessa Fields, Lizzie continues to whine to Enid - this time out by the pool - about her lost diary and lost Jeffrey and lost twin and all that.
And then, just because Jessa is mean enough to kick her sister when she’s down, she “as if!”s the other Wakefields suggestion to hit the annual Ramsbury Fair because it’s “too childish.” This makes Liz feel like they’ve lost something “that can never be recovered.” Dude, the deep-fried food at fairs isn’t all that great for maintaining your size-six figures, so get over it. Liz sulks about the fair some more, and makes disparaging remarks to Jeffrey at school the next day about how she doesn’t want to go. Jeffrey, dim but earnest, tries to talk her out of it, but Liz snips “Why don’t you go ask Jessica, nyah nyah!” and stomps off. And she doesn’t even have the option of opening her diary and crossing out “Liz + Jeffrey = TLA” with black Sharpie. Poor, sad Liz.
And maybe there’s something to Liz being “too childish,” huh? Because she then goes home to tell Jessica that she’s done with Jeffrey, and he obviously likes NewJess better. Which naturally makes Jessa Fields decide to make a move on him. Which she does. Only to get kiboshed pretty quickly. (Of course, dumb Jeffrey is soooo heartbroken about Liz that he doesn’t even notice Jessa is hot for him, so Jessa doesn’t have to go through all the icky embarrassing mess of making a fool of herself or anything.)
Despite all this previous emphasis on being independent, Jessa decides she needs Liz with her for moral support when she goes to meet with the department store model guy. Who, of COURSE, decides Jessa is not right because she is “too stylized” but ELIZABETH is PERFECT in all her wholesome fresh-faced California-girl blonde Wakefieldian glory. We can’t put a whole lot of stock in his opinion, though, because, despite being a professional model scout or agent or photographer or whatever, he refuses to believe that Elizabeth and Jessica are identical twins with different hair color. You know, despite the fact that presumably he can see their features and bone structure and all that. Jessa might’ve been better off with 1-800-4MODELS than this moron.
So I guess after this trauma, both Wakefield sisters go home to cry. If Jessa is going to freak out about her look not being right for one show, the world of modeling just might not be right for her. I’m just sayin’.
That evening, Penny shows up to return Liz’s diary. Jessica NATURALLY is perfectly justified in reading a few pages, because it will give her insight to poor Liz’s anguished frame of mind. You know, instead of actually TALKING to her or ASKING her about her feelings first. But it’s okay, because Liz’s diary is all sweet and touching and makes Jessica cry.
Then the whole family gathers together in the living room to watch old home movies.
No, that isn’t a joke.
And naturally, the old movies of the adorable blonde twins brings Jess to a deeper and profound realization of what it means to be twins, and she decides to wash her hair a to get all the Elvira Mistress of the Dark dye out of her hair, which will effortlessly return to its wholesome Wakefieldian shade of honey-and-sunshine streaked Aryan glory with a couple shampoos, and she can then take part in the big department store fashion show. Oh, and by the way, Liz, Jeffrey’s still in love with you. Despite the fact that you two don’t know each other very well and all that. Thus... adieu, Jessa Fields. Sauve qui peut!
Note: Liz gets up in the middle of the night to have an apple with peanut butter as a midnight snack and write in her diary. I love apples with peanut butter! But Ghostwriter goes on a bit much about the “peanut-buttery” stuff, as well as the “silvery” quality of the Wakefields’ house and kitchen and backyard by moonlight. Ghostwriter has strange fixations.
Another note: When Liz goes to apologize to Jeffrey the next day at school, he responds by calling her “Stupid girl.” But “gruffly” and he “made it sound like an endearment, not a reproach.” Remind me to go call my husband a moron and make it sound like an endearment, willya? Jeffrey also wants Liz to let him read her diary. Jeffrey is a dink. Liz sure knows how to pick ‘em. But she makes a condition that allows for some special out-of-context dialogue. “You have to start a diary too. A real one, not just something you whip off.” I don’t want to know about Jeffrey whipping anything off, thank you. However, Liz is all goo-goo eye’d over her boyfriend, and thinks “...she felt as if she had been put under a magic spell. Only it wasn’t magic. It was love, which was a million times more powerful and a million times better-because that meant it could last forever!” That wasn’t the type of shit I needed to read as a 16-year-old. Plus, I wasn’t smart enough to see that “forever” in Sweet Valley means “until your old boyfriend, who’s RICH, moves back to town.”
Jessica, in the meantime, gets to stuff her face with French fries and chocolate chip cookies at lunch, and STILL model in the big department store show. Because that’s “wholesome”! Two-faced bitch. But because she’s learned a Very Valuable Lesson about being a twin, when her cover’s blown and the agent-photographer-whoevers find out she isn’t really Liz, she offers to split the job AND the money with her beloved twin sister, where they get to dazzle the town modeling, er, department store evening gowns, “all glitter and sequins.” Nice.
I suppose it could be worse. Imagine if DeeDee had given Jessa Fields a business card for a friend of her father’s who did those automobile-and-babe-in-bikini pinup calendar. Imagine the “valuable lesson about being a twin” a conclusion like that would’ve meant. Poor Liz.... “Dear Diary. Jessica got us mixed up in the most awful photo shoot! And now Jeffrey keeps looking at me and her with a funny gleam in his eye and laughing and saying ‘TWINS!’”
And then Dana Larson starts whining about her cousin Sally, a po’ white trash relation who’s coming to live with them.
w
I have to do it. It’s going to be long-winded and self-centered and annoying and way too detail-oriented, but I gotta dive in by recapping one of my favorite SVH monstrosities of all time: The New Jessica!
Admit it, the New Jessica, in all her pre-goth Eurotrash glory, has got it ALL OVER the New Elizabeth with her stupid temporary perm and surfing lessons.
Don’t get me wrong. I was never a Jessica fan. But I was a big fan of the Drastic Makeovers. And this one rocks.
The book opens with Elizabeth writing in her journal “Dear Diary: Liz + Jeffrey French = TLA 4-EVAH!” when Jessica comes barreling in, announces that something must be wrong with Liz’s mirror because she - Jess, that is - “looks fat,” tries to get Liz to make dinner so she - Jess, that is - can go to Lila’s for Parisian Fashion Show ‘n Tell, then asks if she can borrow Liz’s new peach knit dress. Peach was really big in 1986, when I was a junior in high school. I scored a slim peach skirt at JC Penney’s or Clothestime or someplace of that ilk. I also had a peach-and-green-and-black paint-splatter-looking shirt. Oversize, natch. Knit was also big... sweater-dresses and knit skirt-and-sweater sets and stuff like that. If Jess was really hip per 1986, she had matching peach pumps to wear with the dress. And oversized hoop earrings. Jess modestly thinks that she is going to look “fabulous...a million times better” in this peach knit dress than Lila, who’s going to be debuting her brand new French couture this week. In your dreams, Jessie.
But that’s not as dumb as Liz, who is twaddling in her diary about how in love with Jeffrey she is, despite the fact that he “was still, in many ways, a stranger.” Oh, but they’re totally in love. To heck with any silly “getting-to-know-you” phase before outing with the Three Little Words! So Liz writes in her diary - prolly with a pink sparkly bubblegum-scented ball-point pen - “The funny thing is that I feel so much more alive-so much more myself. How can that be?” and thinks “What was it about falling in love that made her content to spend her time this way, just mulling over everything that had happened so far and looking forward to what was coming next?” Because Liz is such a strong and centered individual that she comes alive and feels like herself when she has a boyfriend, der! So let’s sit around and goon about it! Whee!
Then Jessica spends dinner whining about being a “carbon copy” and decides she’s having an identity crisis as per Ingénue magazine and calls Cara and Lila for an “emergency ice-cream sundae” at Casey’s so she can talk about herself. So yeah. After cramming down buttered rolls at dinner, Jess goes to stuff her face with Oreo ice cream, but that’s totally okay, because Jess isn’t FAT like Robin Wilson or Cousin Jenny or any of those other lesser human beings she’s forced to share the planet with. But I guess it isn’t easy being Jessica Wakefield after all, kids, because when she wears Lizzie’s peach dress to school the next day, she has a HORRIBLE day because EVERYONE THINKS SHE’S ELIZABETH! Wahh! She drags Lila to one of their thrice-weekly trolls around the local mall, and decides that, with the help of her rich fashion-conscious friend, what she really needs is a super-dooper drastic makeover!
I now would like to crank up the Posh Spice concert catwalk soundtrack of “Vogue” and “Supermodel (You Better Work)” for the next segment.
Jess goes over to Lila’s mansion for a weekend of Makeovering, and pooh-pooh’s Lila’s suggestion of subtlety. What Jess wants is to turn into a whole new person, inspired by some Vogue article (Hm. Jess sure puts a lot of stock in magazine articles); she wants to be slim, sultry, striking, slinky, sophisticated.... “No more kid stuff!” she declares! Whatever you say, Jess.
Somehow, she and Lila manage to find the only black hair dye in the world that washes out of blonde hair with a couple shampoos, with no lingering greenish residue or damage or anything. Hell, it prolly has extra-special conditioning properties. There is no mention of them darkening Jessica’s presumably-blonde eyebrows to match. Klassy. (Which means I don’t even want to ask about the collar & cuffs, do I?) And I’m sorry, but Jess’s peaches-and-cream complexion touted by Ghostwriter on, like, page 2 would look like ASS with raven black hair. Someone needs to teach Jess about warm and cool colors. She’s totally an Autumn or Summer trying to dress like a Winter.
But because this is Sweet Valley and Jessica Wakefield, everything works out AMAZINGLY! Jessica looks GORJUS with her black hair! The rings of black eyeliner make her appear EXOTIC and FOREIGN! She doesn’t look like an inept attempt at Goth-Biker Chic or Elvira Mistress of the Dark or trashy day-after-the-night-before or anything... she totally looks like a French fashion model!
Lila breaks out all of her Hollywood salon makeup to slather on Jess’s face, then goes through all of her brand new Parisian couture to pack a suitcase of Sophisticated Wardrobe Staples and Accouterments for Jessie to take with her. I want a friend like Lila, dammit.
Jess is so overwhelmed by Lila’s awesome generosity that she starts talking in a Crazy Britney Spears fake British accent and talks about picking up some “French novels” to read. As if she reads anything but magazines.
So Jess, clad in a “casual” if Barbarella-ish weekend outfit of “a purple jumpsuit and lizard boots,” heads back to Casa Wakefield with a big “Surprise, everyone! Lookit me!” And this all shakes Liz out of her “OMG I SOOOO LOVE JEFFREY!!!!” diary-writing daze, and instead she runs upstairs to write “MY SISTER IS SOOOOO MEAN!!!! SHE’S BETRAYED OUR TWINIE-NESS!!!” with little frowny faces in the margin.
On Monday, the New Jessica gets all tarted up to go to school, and danged if she doesn’t look totally stunning and glamorous and stylish! She’s got on some long, slim-fitting olive green leather (LEATHER!) skirt and a big silk shirt and a hip-belt (ah, the 80s!) and three-inch heels and tons of chunky gold jewelry. An aside: her eyes are “darkened with lavish makeup” “sultrier than her usual look” but the typesetting has “lavish” split up on two lines, “lav-ish,” and for years I read it as “lavenderish makeup.” Because nothing sets of black hair and an olive green skirt with swoops of dusky purple makeup...? Hey, it made sense to me then. Not that 16-year-old Dwanollah ever ever ever tried to replicate this sophisticated look with her own slim-fitting olive green cotton skirt and “lavenderish” eye makeup. Never. No way.
In a brazen display of De-Twin-of-Elizabeth-ification, Jess has removed her gold lavaliere in favor of a big gold necklace and earrings, because, “according to Vogue, accessories made all the difference when it came to style.” Another aside: Jessica’s stunning accessories on the cover picture look like the cheap shit I had to get 5/$1 at the local swap meet.
And because she’s Jessica Wakefield, attention whore, she purposefully waits until after the bell to make a big entrance, and when she does, everyone in Ms. Dalton’s classroom flips out with excitement while Jess pretends to look bored and talks in her fakey-Brit-Brit accent about how she got her outfit at “some little place on the Left Bank.” And everyone thinks Jess is super-awesome now, and for weeks to come, the entire SVH student body will be on pins and needles waiting to see what she’ll wear to school and how she’ll do her hair next. YEAH! Who cares about Halley’s comet or the Challenger blowing up or Chernobyl or the Iran-Contra Affair?! The real news is, will Jessica Wakefield have her raven black hair tied back with a scarf today or not?
Seriously, no matter how popular the girl, if someone had shown up to school like Jess does, I hardly think her classmates would be shrieking about how fantastic and sophisticated she looks and that she should totally be a model. No, they’d be all “What the HELL did you DO?” and “Damn, girl, that looks stupid!” and “WTF, you think you’re all hot now or something?” And surely someone would call her out on the stupid fake accent. And by “someone” I mean LILA FOWLER!
Jessie then solidifies her sophistication by announcing to her classmates that she - newly daring and elegant - has important things to do: “‘Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I have to look at my magazine before my chemistry class.’ She removed a copy of Paris Match from her book bag as casually as possible.” Oh, SNAP, bitches! Jess is gonna... READ A MAGAZINE! Reading a tabloid is soooo sophisticated when it’s in French, n’est pas? And, of course, it isn’t like Jessica is really interested in any of this stuff anyway. It’s all just for show: “Who cared what was happening in Paris? The best play in the world was taking place right here in Sweet Valley High, and naturally, she had the starring role.”
With all of this Narcissistic Euro-Jessing, Elizabeth, of course, is at her whiney, prissy best. She whines to Enid that Jess has somehow changed “us,” the Wakefield twins, by changing herself. The horrors! I mean, yeah, I’m all for “Jessica is a selfish bitch” but I hardly think that not looking 100% like Elizabeth is the worst of her crimes. Then Liz is all passive-aggressive with that ding-dong Jeffrey who remarks that he’s happy that they look different now, and thus Liz decides this means Jeffrey + Liz no longer = TLA. So she goes to the Oracle office to scribble some more tear-splotched Entries of Great Twinnie Betrayal in her diary, which ends when Mr. Collins shows up to make her proof galleys, then escort her to his next-period English class. And oh no, Elizabeth forgets her journal, which has disappeared by the time she rushes back to the Oracle office!
But this is a stupid B-plot cliffhanger, because We-the-Reader have already been told that Penny’s accidentally moved it with a stack of other papers.
But who cares about whiney Liz and her stupid diary when we’ve got Fashions by EuroJess?! One day, Jess runs around in a “black silk jumpsuit and red high-heeled boots” with her “sleek black hair pulled back in a bun” and she’s got on a “red silk scarf” and “oversize earrings that Elizabeth thought were just a little bit much for everyday.” Because Liz was totally on board with the black silk jumpsuit and red boots hooker-superhero getup until Jess added the earrings...? Last week, it was a “white gauze dress and striped boots.” For those of you keeping count, that’s four different outfits, and three different pairs of boots thus far. Damn. Then she wears a “sweet little thing” she “just picked up at Lisette’s”: a long white slim-cut skirt, a white sweater with sequins, and a white beret, all of which look gorgeous contrasted with her black hair. Even I, who am deeply enamored of overdressing, find this a wee excessive for another day at school. I’m just glad it never rains in Sweet Valley or else Jess would have to worry about her hair leaking all over her outfit and staining it. Then it’s the “two piece knit dress” with matching stockings. If it’s a two-piece dress, then isn’t it a matching skirt and sweater...? Then she wears “black leather jeans” to the Beach Disco. Aren’t they either leather pants OR jeans? Because to my knowledge, jeans = denim. Then she wears “sleek gray trousers” with “a cherry-red blouse and a lightweight man-tailored gray jacket.” But thankfully, no more jumpsuits or boots. Despite what Sweet Valley would have you believe, while jumpsuits were pretty big in the 80s, especially the early 80s, they weren’t the be-all and end-all of fashion. Plus they sucked if you were long-waisted and stumpy-legged like me, the antecedent of many a camel-toe and/or wedgie. Whereas in Sweet Valley, I guess if it’s a special occasion or if you want to appear totally fashion conscious, you put on a stunning jumpsuit... usually in silk. Lynn Henry, Regina Morrow, Caroline Pearce, heck, even boho Olivia Davidson ends up putting on a snazzy jumpsuit at some point.
Anyway, the problem isn’t just with boots and jumpsuits. It’s that this New Jessica has embarked on a whole new “independent phase” and “was making a conscious effort to spend more time away from home, even going so far as to drive to the library at night to study” which we know would be complete bullshit because Jessica only reads magazines. So instead of spending time cradled in the warm bosom of the Wakefield family, Jessica has the stones to go other places like “the chic little coffee bar... a few blocks from the mall.” (The town of Sweet Valley has it all over Santa Barbara or San Juan Capistrano or San Clemente. I mean, they only have two dive bars and one low-end diner, but they have about a dozen different “exclusive” restaurants, three different high-end mansion-laden and debutant-ball-producing neighborhoods, and even a chic little coffee joint for EuroJess to go hang and read magazines! Foreign magazines, mind, but magazines nonetheless.)
The problem that remains unaddressed, though, is that Jessie doesn’t seem to be doing any of this New Jessica stuff out of any genuine interest. Rather, it’s all about what fits her outward image. You’d think Liz would notice that, that that might be her primary concern. You’d think even Ghostwriter would make something, ANYTHING, of that. But no. It’s all “We don’t LOOK ALIKE no mo'!”
EuroJess all but drops cheerleading because it’s not elegant, and thinks about starting ballet again because it is. New Jess spends all her time hanging out at L’autre Chose (“The Other Thing”) to drink espresso and goes to see subtitled films so she can “rave” about them to Lila, and sits around with an “I just smelled something icky” look on her face, which makes Lila go “It looks like your eyes are hurting you.”
To hell with Elizabeth; I want Lila to give New Jess a couple WTF bitchslaps! Like our Miss Lila Fowler would put up with this kind of bullshit without calling Jess on it?!
The other thing that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense is that New Jess has several big fans, namely, people she treated like shit in the past: Caroline Pearce and DeeDee Gordon. Despite the fact that Jessica has done some totally shitful things to both in the past, these girls are all ready to dry-hump Jessica’s leg and praise her and, in DeeDee’s case, hook her up with a modeling agent or fashion photographer, because (did I mention?) JESS LOOKS SOOOO FANTASTIC NOW! WOWIE!
I love Sweet Valley. Not only does it have all those “exclusive” restaurants and the WASPiest population outside of a meeting for the The Mayflower Society, but you also can treat people like total and complete crap, yet, if you’re pretty, if you LOOK GOOD, they’ll still forgive you and fawn all over you to do you favors.
I think we’re learning some valuable lessons here, kids.
So New Jess decides that, as per DeeDee’s suggestion, she’s going to pursue modeling. Not because of any deep interest in fashion or the body as art or any actual interest, mind. But. Because then, like Regina Morrow, she’ll get ATTENTION and everyone will be TALKING ABOUT HER!
Liz is still whining about her lost journal to Mr. Collins. She’s prolly just worried that Mr. C has taken it home and is lifting DNA samples from it, after first scanning the pages for any mention of his name within the bubble-writing pink-sparkly-ink passages. Mr. Collins suggests putting up a LOST notice. Because at a high school, the thing you want to do is post a card on a bulletin board that says: “LOST: DIARY! IF FOUND PLEASE RETURN TO ELIZABETH WAKEFIELD!” Who let him near impressionable young minds in the first place?!
I love how when Liz leaves her diary out on the desk in the office, no one takes it (on purpose), but later, Kris Lynch (what a name! He sounds like a pornographic serial killer) has to steal it out of Liz’s locker or book bag a couple times in order to betray her to all her friends with her “Dear Diary: My sister joined a cult! Enid loves Hugh! I still love Todd!” secrets. Yeesh.
Anyway, Liz is all “blah blah blah insecure” and “blah blah blah don’t really know Jeffrey that well yet” and worrying about their relationship in light of Jessica dying her hair and everything. And again, I gotta say, y’all are “in love!!!!” but you keep bangin’ on about how you “don’t know him that well,” Liz? So, because Liz is The Smart Twin, instead of, oh, talking to Jeffrey, Liz decides to have another snit-fit at him and stomp off.
But who cares about Liz when it’s time for one of the best scenes in any SVH book ever?! Yes, perched on a chair in a modeling agent’s office, Jessica closes her eyes, imagining being rich and famous and living in Beverly Hills after her modeling-slash-acting career has really taken off, throwing wild parties and wowing everyone with the knowledge that “sixteen-year-old Jessica Wakefield” is the supplier of such hedonistic delights. Yes, all this will happen before she’s even completed her junior year of high school! (Okay, I guess we’re deferring to Sweet Valley Time, where a year equals two decades.) But there’s one big problem. “Jessica Wakefield sounded too wholesome. Maybe Jessa would be better. Jessa Fields.” Oh, hells yeah! You know she has a list somewhere of Future Baby Names that include “Dakotah Mikayla” and “Regan Nichole” and “Brinley Emmalynne” and “Baxter-Blair” and “Tristain Reese.” JESSA FIELDS!
So remember, rejecting that which is wholesome/Wakefieldian in favor of that which is Other/Foreign = BAD! Remember Switzerland!
The agent-photographer dude LOOOOVES her “slightly European, cool and polished” look, so naturally Jessa Fields decides that she’s going to achieve worldwide fame by being picked to model at... er... the department store at the Valley Mall. She rushes home to hit her parents up for money, which, despite the fact that SHE’S BEEN USING THEIR CHARGE CARD WITHOUT PERMISSION TO BUY CLOTHES, they agree to lend her. The Wakefield Parents are made of awesome.
In the meantime, unaware of the Birth of Jessa Fields, Lizzie continues to whine to Enid - this time out by the pool - about her lost diary and lost Jeffrey and lost twin and all that.
And then, just because Jessa is mean enough to kick her sister when she’s down, she “as if!”s the other Wakefields suggestion to hit the annual Ramsbury Fair because it’s “too childish.” This makes Liz feel like they’ve lost something “that can never be recovered.” Dude, the deep-fried food at fairs isn’t all that great for maintaining your size-six figures, so get over it. Liz sulks about the fair some more, and makes disparaging remarks to Jeffrey at school the next day about how she doesn’t want to go. Jeffrey, dim but earnest, tries to talk her out of it, but Liz snips “Why don’t you go ask Jessica, nyah nyah!” and stomps off. And she doesn’t even have the option of opening her diary and crossing out “Liz + Jeffrey = TLA” with black Sharpie. Poor, sad Liz.
And maybe there’s something to Liz being “too childish,” huh? Because she then goes home to tell Jessica that she’s done with Jeffrey, and he obviously likes NewJess better. Which naturally makes Jessa Fields decide to make a move on him. Which she does. Only to get kiboshed pretty quickly. (Of course, dumb Jeffrey is soooo heartbroken about Liz that he doesn’t even notice Jessa is hot for him, so Jessa doesn’t have to go through all the icky embarrassing mess of making a fool of herself or anything.)
Despite all this previous emphasis on being independent, Jessa decides she needs Liz with her for moral support when she goes to meet with the department store model guy. Who, of COURSE, decides Jessa is not right because she is “too stylized” but ELIZABETH is PERFECT in all her wholesome fresh-faced California-girl blonde Wakefieldian glory. We can’t put a whole lot of stock in his opinion, though, because, despite being a professional model scout or agent or photographer or whatever, he refuses to believe that Elizabeth and Jessica are identical twins with different hair color. You know, despite the fact that presumably he can see their features and bone structure and all that. Jessa might’ve been better off with 1-800-4MODELS than this moron.
So I guess after this trauma, both Wakefield sisters go home to cry. If Jessa is going to freak out about her look not being right for one show, the world of modeling just might not be right for her. I’m just sayin’.
That evening, Penny shows up to return Liz’s diary. Jessica NATURALLY is perfectly justified in reading a few pages, because it will give her insight to poor Liz’s anguished frame of mind. You know, instead of actually TALKING to her or ASKING her about her feelings first. But it’s okay, because Liz’s diary is all sweet and touching and makes Jessica cry.
Then the whole family gathers together in the living room to watch old home movies.
No, that isn’t a joke.
And naturally, the old movies of the adorable blonde twins brings Jess to a deeper and profound realization of what it means to be twins, and she decides to wash her hair a to get all the Elvira Mistress of the Dark dye out of her hair, which will effortlessly return to its wholesome Wakefieldian shade of honey-and-sunshine streaked Aryan glory with a couple shampoos, and she can then take part in the big department store fashion show. Oh, and by the way, Liz, Jeffrey’s still in love with you. Despite the fact that you two don’t know each other very well and all that. Thus... adieu, Jessa Fields. Sauve qui peut!
Note: Liz gets up in the middle of the night to have an apple with peanut butter as a midnight snack and write in her diary. I love apples with peanut butter! But Ghostwriter goes on a bit much about the “peanut-buttery” stuff, as well as the “silvery” quality of the Wakefields’ house and kitchen and backyard by moonlight. Ghostwriter has strange fixations.
Another note: When Liz goes to apologize to Jeffrey the next day at school, he responds by calling her “Stupid girl.” But “gruffly” and he “made it sound like an endearment, not a reproach.” Remind me to go call my husband a moron and make it sound like an endearment, willya? Jeffrey also wants Liz to let him read her diary. Jeffrey is a dink. Liz sure knows how to pick ‘em. But she makes a condition that allows for some special out-of-context dialogue. “You have to start a diary too. A real one, not just something you whip off.” I don’t want to know about Jeffrey whipping anything off, thank you. However, Liz is all goo-goo eye’d over her boyfriend, and thinks “...she felt as if she had been put under a magic spell. Only it wasn’t magic. It was love, which was a million times more powerful and a million times better-because that meant it could last forever!” That wasn’t the type of shit I needed to read as a 16-year-old. Plus, I wasn’t smart enough to see that “forever” in Sweet Valley means “until your old boyfriend, who’s RICH, moves back to town.”
Jessica, in the meantime, gets to stuff her face with French fries and chocolate chip cookies at lunch, and STILL model in the big department store show. Because that’s “wholesome”! Two-faced bitch. But because she’s learned a Very Valuable Lesson about being a twin, when her cover’s blown and the agent-photographer-whoevers find out she isn’t really Liz, she offers to split the job AND the money with her beloved twin sister, where they get to dazzle the town modeling, er, department store evening gowns, “all glitter and sequins.” Nice.
I suppose it could be worse. Imagine if DeeDee had given Jessa Fields a business card for a friend of her father’s who did those automobile-and-babe-in-bikini pinup calendar. Imagine the “valuable lesson about being a twin” a conclusion like that would’ve meant. Poor Liz.... “Dear Diary. Jessica got us mixed up in the most awful photo shoot! And now Jeffrey keeps looking at me and her with a funny gleam in his eye and laughing and saying ‘TWINS!’”
And then Dana Larson starts whining about her cousin Sally, a po’ white trash relation who’s coming to live with them.
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