All in all, I found it intelligent, well-thought-out, and memorable. Only a few minor, mostly grammatical, comments:
1st stanza: Line 1--second "you" should be all lowercase Line 5--comma after "how" Line 8--comma after "think"
2nd stanza: Line 1--hyphenate "two-faced" Line 5--"soldier"
3rd stanza: Add punctuation (commas, quote marks) "You're," not "your"
4th stanza: 4th line--what about "where you fall"? It would be a bit more powerful, IMHO 5th line--"than," not "then"
5th stanza: 1st line--what about "upon you"? If it's "upon us," it will affect us all, and probably negatively. See what I mean? 4th line--"'Cause," with an apostrophe before the word. Otherwise, it's "cause," as in "cause and effect." It's still slang with the apostrophe, but acceptable slang.
6th stanza: I love it up until the last line. Something about it throws me.
Again, this is all opinion. For the most part, I loved this piece, and you've said a lot of things sociologically and politically that I wish I could say as well myself.
Glad my critique didn't leave you with painful internal burning! :)
I really did enjoy the poem and hope you'll write more. Since you're musically minded, have you thought of putting the words to music? Could be interesting; maybe there's a bit of the songwriter in you.
The poem looks fantastic, by the way. Sorry if I nit-picked, but I'm an English major and I can't help it. :)
nope my insiodes are still pink and unscathed by extreme heat. I'll try to write more but I usually only write when the mood strucks or an idea is overwhelming in my brain. I've posted someother in the Journal you may have seen them or maybe you didn't I don't know. Skits have always been more my thing as I'm sure you picked up on I have thought about putting it to music but not knowing how to read or write it (I'm learning as we speak) would be difficult. and I don't mind the nit-picking I'm not a person who is deeply connected to his work I appreciate a good honest critisism and don't take it personally
Comments 12
1st stanza:
Line 1--second "you" should be all lowercase
Line 5--comma after "how"
Line 8--comma after "think"
2nd stanza:
Line 1--hyphenate "two-faced"
Line 5--"soldier"
3rd stanza:
Add punctuation (commas, quote marks)
"You're," not "your"
4th stanza:
4th line--what about "where you fall"? It would be a bit more powerful, IMHO
5th line--"than," not "then"
5th stanza:
1st line--what about "upon you"? If it's "upon us," it will affect us all, and probably negatively. See what I mean?
4th line--"'Cause," with an apostrophe before the word. Otherwise, it's "cause," as in "cause and effect." It's still slang with the apostrophe, but acceptable slang.
6th stanza:
I love it up until the last line. Something about it throws me.
Again, this is all opinion. For the most part, I loved this piece, and you've said a lot of things sociologically and politically that I wish I could say as well myself.
Peace.
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Reply
I really did enjoy the poem and hope you'll write more. Since you're musically minded, have you thought of putting the words to music? Could be interesting; maybe there's a bit of the songwriter in you.
The poem looks fantastic, by the way. Sorry if I nit-picked, but I'm an English major and I can't help it. :)
Peace.
Reply
Reply
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