???
Today was a challenge. It’s funny to remember how much I wanted this class to challenge me. I was so worked up about approaching topics that I’ve never approached before. I so desperately wanted to struggle with something new that I was terribly frustrated when I was coasting in class. Today was a challenge. What’s funny about it all is that I must’ve forgotten how much it sucks to struggle with “cultural stuff” because today I was totally blindsided by the difficulty of the subject. Though I had my eye out for struggles and even invited it, today, I was completely blindsided. I’ve finally fallen from my high horse of arrogance and I know that I’ll be glad about that…after things stop sucking.
From reading the syllabus, I entered class thinking (once again) that I wasn’t going to learn something that I didn’t already know, but once the movie started and the children were so easily turned into monsters I was made uncomfortably vulnerable. The video (mostly the part with the children) immediately took me back to my early experiences with discrimination. What was so hard about all of it was the fact that I felt that the video regressed me in age though I fought against it with all that I had. I felt like I was defenseless little 6 year old Shamell all over again.
I can be so comfortable dealing with discrimination when it comes wrapped up in an adult package. I feel so prepared and armed as an adult. A lot of times I want to be challenged, just because I’m so ready. As an adult, when with adults, discrimination is a foe that I always feel prepared for. I absolutely hate being brought from that place of strength back to where I started.
As a child, my parents moved my brother and me to an all white area (pretty much). Because my brother was two years older than me, I was almost always left alone as the only black person in the class, building, perhaps the town. I never got a chance to breathe one discrimination-free breath in that setting. My very first day of school (first grade) and the very first thing a peer said to me was, “I hate black people.” I was totally unarmed, unprepared, vulnerable, confused, frightened. I was immediately isolated. I was completely powerless. I was a child after all (barely 5 or 6). I didn’t even get a chance to be angry and I never really got an opportunity to cry. I remember that I didn’t tell my parents about that incident for one or a few weeks. I also remember regretting it when I did tell them. They were outraged (understandable), but they were also dumbfounded. My parents came from a predominantly black country. They didn’t experience growing up under the weight of U.S. racism. They didn’t really know what to do (but, who would?). Very soon, my story got around to most of the family. Everyone was eventually telling me a million things to do about what had happened and what to do in the future. In the end, I felt like no one helped me and that really stuck with me throughout my life.
During the movie, I kept preparing myself to not say a word during processing. I really didn’t want to share. Along with that drive to “shut down”, I was continually asking myself, “why shut down?” I was asking myself over and over, why do I want to clam up. Eventually, I saw that, on the whole, I’m always clamed up. Outside of class and sometimes in class, I am a quiet person. I’m often made uncomfortable if I speak at length. I rarely share anything personal. I’m hardly aloof though. I still am friendly and personable. I was actually voted “best smile” and was runner-up for “nicest person” in high school. I can welcome a crowd around me, but very few have really gotten close.
As I found myself reinforcing my wall during the movie, I realized that I wanted to clam up (and have been clammed up) because I am distrustful. When pushed a little farther I realized that I was especially distrustful of white people. A little bit farther and I saw that I had even less trust for white people who are older than me. Then it followed that the least trust was for white men (of whatever age). Instead of liberating me, this knowledge made me feel justified in being silent with my class. I felt that I knew that if I shared my distrust for whites, which seemingly developed as a way to survive, my classmates, which are predominately white, would be made so uncomfortable that they’d soon distance themselves from me. I reasoned in my head that in order to make it through four years with them, I had to avoid coming off as the threatening “angry black.” Through the years, I found that there are few ways to be dismissed and ignored faster than to come off as “the angry black man.” From talking to and listening to many of my classmates, I covertly came to the conclusion that they’re not in a place to really listen to the results of discrimination…yet. So, I went with my silence…as best as I could. I sat on my anger and now I feel like it has been exhausted. I really would like to share everything with my peers. At the very least, I think there is much that could be learned from sharing my reaction, but my anger has fizzled out and I already feel exhausted from sharing in this journal. I have definitely shared to an extent that has made me uncomfortable and tired. Today was a struggle. I wasn’t in the right place to share important issues. I hope the time will come this quarter when I’m in the “right place” to share with my class. I feel that they all deserve the chance to learn and that I deserve the chance to trust.
Tracks currently playing:
Devil's Pie by D'Angelo
Ex-Factor by Lauryn Hill
Forgive Them Father by Lauryn Hill