Finished! Moons and stars. . .
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Remus Lupin / Sirius Black
Theme Set: Alpha
Rating: PG-PG13
Thanks so much to all of you who commented on my earlier postings. Your input was very much appreciated and I hope you are not disappointed with the final result!
(PS, I adore this community and I loved doing this challenge. . .)
1. Comfort
They both slept poorly and dreamt vividly these days; when you woke in a cold sweat, gasping and shaking, it was an immense comfort to find yourself surrounded not by dementors and death, but by the arms of the person who loved you more than anything else in all the world.
2. Kiss
Remus thought that there couldn’t be anything in the world more personal and more expressive than a kiss; it could convey any number of things that words would not eloquently express - even “I’m sorry that I doubted your loyalty to us for even a moment”; even “I’m sorry that I tried to forget you to spare myself the pain”; he learned that day that a kiss could also be the perfect expression of true forgiveness.
3. Soft
Though the wool of Remus’ cardigan sweaters had probably once made them stiff and scratchy, they had, with great wear, become as soft and soothing as old plush toys; Sirius loved it when he found one draped across a chair or dropped haphazardly to the floor with its owner temporarily out of the room - he loved to hug them to his chest and breathe in their scent, his scent, feeling their softness against his cheek.
4. Pain
Remus’ monthly transformations were difficult for both of them - they were very painful for Remus, of course, both physically and mentally; for Sirius, too, they brought pain, thought it was pain of a different sort - the pain that came from watching someone you loved suffer while you simply looked on, not daring to come near until the change was complete.
5. Potatoes
Neither could peel potatoes to save their lives, and after Sirius came home one day to a particularly messy scene of peels strewn all over the house and still-magicked chunks of good potatoes flicking about almost resolutely in the dust by the armchair, both elected to include more rice in their diets.
6. Rain
Even when he was in human form the rain made Sirius smell like a wet dog - he behaved as one too, Remus mused, watching with great affection as the man tracked in without removing his boots and shook his great mass of black hair violently over the threadbare carpet.
7. Chocolate
One of the first things he’d done after escaping from Azkaban was to lift a bar of chocolate, good chocolate too, from the first store he’d come across; it had chased the chill of the dementors from his mind, but it had also brought back the man whose memory the dementors had stolen from him; it was funny how Remus’ favourite confection was so like him - sweet and comforting and sensual, but with undertones that were deep and dark and mysterious.
8. Happiness
Warm, orangey rays of mid-morning sun were streaming in through the windows, highlighting the golden bits of hair on the head that was currently resting on Sirius’ chest, breathing deeply and regularly, its owner still fast asleep; he drank it all in, sighing in contentment - in these few hallowed moments he felt as though he’d recaptured the happiness of the past, a pure sort of contentment that he'd thought he’d never feel again.
9. Telephone
It was sweet the way Sirius stood up for him when he wouldn’t stand up for himself; the day that the Ministry of Magic proposed harsher laws to control half-breeds was the day that saw one Mr. Black barricading himself inside the telephone booth outside the Ministry building and shouting himself hoarse into the receiver for several hours before earning himself a “Sirius Black: Irate Citizen” badge and becoming the first person in history to be magically evicted from the booth.
10. Ears
Sirius was almost certain that he had heard every word that Remus Lupin had ever spoken to him; the trouble was not with his ears or even, really, his attention span; the trouble was that he took such pleasure in the sound of his lover’s voice that he sometimes forgot to listen for the words, simply letting the beautiful highs and lows of his inflection wash over him like warm waves.
11. Name
With James and Peter gone their childhood nicknames gained a new significance; Moony was Moony and Padfoot, Padfoot only in great secret, when they were sure they were alone; to hear the other speak their name was a secret joke and a secret comfort all at once.
12. Sensual
Sometimes it seems they know each other too well - each knows all the innocent little things he can do to drive the other mad with longing; Remus, for instance, knows how to move just so when making tea, and Sirius has discovered optimal ways of fidgeting during conversation.
13. Death
He knew then that pain was not werewolves or exclusion or Death Eaters; pain was an ancient arch with a veil, and a fifteen-year-old boy who could not understand; it was telling Harry that Sirius was gone when he himself could not truly believe it.
14. Sex
The term “making love” had always confused Remus - surely sex was an expression of love, but it was not used to create it; the love, if there was ever to be love, should come before two people slept with each other; he continued to use the phrase, though, because it seemed the least . . . vulgar of all the options.
15. Touch
Sirius had always been a very tactile sort of person, constantly touching to express his affection; at first it made Remus feel very self-conscious, because he didn’t know how to respond, what to say or what to do, but he soon grew very fond of it, realizing that these wordless affirmations were exactly what he needed.
16. Weakness
Sirius had always maintained that to gush about musical theatre was to commit the odious crime of behaving “like some clichéd muggle queen” - Remus was forbidden to tell anyone the truth; that he’d dragged Sirius to a show where he’d sulked through the first act, sobbed nearly uncontrollably during the second, and eagerly yet reluctantly waited at the stage door for autographs after it ended.
17. Tears
Sometimes Sirius would cry, for no reason and for every reason, tears of mourning and despair glistening silently on his cheeks; at these times there was nothing Remus could say - he could only put an arm around his shoulders, or take one of Sirius’ hands in his own, wordlessly conveying to him that he was not alone.
18. Speed
It felt so good to be middle-aged with Sirius; no more childish games or pressures, no more worries about whether they really loved each other or whether this would last; all those things had been removed, and it suddenly felt as though they had to the rest of forever to slow down and just enjoy spending time with each other.
19. Wind
On very blustery days the wind howled through the cracks in the walls of the Shrieking Shack, which was in somewhat poor repair, and the four boys would take all the blankets and cocoon themselves inside, huddled together; in these snatched moments of almost-intimacy Remus would always try to casually lean his body closer and closer into Sirius’ - he often worried that his friend might notice what he was up to, but he couldn’t help himself.
20. Freedom
He would never have told anyone, not even the other Marauders, for it would have seemed very strange somehow, but there came a point when Remus felt very differently about his transformations - for no matter how difficult the night was for him, how excruciatingly painful the change was, it could not take away the brief moment when the wolf and the dog would lock eyes in a way that allowed the mind of the boy to briefly resurface within the head of the wolf.
21. Life
The relationship was rich with meaning for both of them; it was leaving your hated family behind and telling all those who had tried to force you into some pureblood marriage for the purpose of spawning a pureblood heir where they could stick it; it was finding companionship with someone who loved you, wolf and all, and not living your whole life alone on the sidelines; it was taking the life you were given and turning it into the life you chose to lead.
22. Jealousy
There had been a time, a far-too-long-of-a-time time, when Remus thought that James was the only one who could hold Sirius’ attention - not in that way, of course, for they were only ever the best of friends, but it came to the same thing - Sirius was unavailable; it tore him up to see the easy way they had with each other, and he began, for a while, to avoid them, which he thought would make it easier to accept his lot and move on - but it didn’t.
23. Hands
Remus had the hands of a classical musician, though he had never played anything in his life; long and pale and delicate, their touch was light and quick, leaving just a ghost of feeling where they had been, sweet and intoxicating and maddening; they were invariably freezing compared to the rest of him; “Cold hands, warm heart,” he would whisper as Sirius shivered slightly at their caress.
24. Taste
Kissing Sirius was, of course a pleasant activity in itself, but it was also incredibly reassuring; even after his long years in the squalor of Azkaban, Remus could still sense such life and optimism in Sirius’ kisses, which manifested itself in the taste of youth and summer.
25. Devotion
Almost like some strange sort of ritual, they would always have the same conversation after a full moon; Remus would ask Sirius if he wouldn’t be happier if he could be with someone who required less care, saying that he felt terrible for putting him through this all the time; he would tell Sirius not to feel obligated to stay with him, that it wasn’t fair that he should have to; Sirius, in the most soothing of voices would tell him that he could never leave, that he would never, ever want to, and Remus would smile weakly before allowing himself to fall asleep.
26. Forever
They were partners - Remus belonged to Sirius and Sirius to Remus as long as the other would have them; both knew, in their hearts, that it would be forever.
27. Blood
Sirius was more furious than Remus had seen him in years, raging incoherently with the occasional “greasy git,” “stuck in here,” “plays the hero,” “Grimmauld,” “hellhole,” and “I swear I’ll kill him!” distinguishable from his growls; “Sirius, be reasonable,” he answered, trying to hide the amused smile that would give him away, “if we killed him here without magic, what would we do with all the blood?”
28. Sickness
As the winter grew colder and harsher it seemed as though Grimmauld Place, with people trudging in and out all the time, had become some sort of haven for all things virus-borne - Sirius had so far played host to three different colds and a deep, hacking cough that lingered for months; Remus, damn it all, had not had so much as a sniffle, so Sirius took it upon himself to infect the guilty party by performing with him as many intimate acts as possible while he suspected he was still contagious.
29. Melody
Remus loved, when he thought no one was home, to dance around the flat to the swing music records that had come with their old gramophone, which Sirius thought was absolutely charming - when he still worked during the day he sometimes found himself sneaking home early to see if he could catch him at it - he loved the brief glimpse he always received of Remus prancing around with utter abandon before he was noticed in the doorway.
30. Star
Remus sometimes thought about their mutual draw to the night sky and considered how appropriate it was that his lover was named for a star; Sirius was bright and glittering and larger-than-life, and he, Remus, was the muted moon, quietly, serenely reflecting the glow; for without Sirius he was certain he would fade into nothing at all, yet, together, how beautifully they lit the heavens!
31. Home
Remus, contrary to popular belief, was only sort of tidy at best - generally he liked things strewn about in artistic disarray; as for Sirius, no one had ever assumed that he was even slightly organized most of the time, and they were right; as a result, the place that the two of them shared only really felt like a home when, as was normally the case, it was adorned with books and papers, used mugs and teabags, chess pieces, photographs, sweaters and socks to the point that it was difficult to notice various pieces of furniture and nearly impossible to tell exactly what colour the floor beneath them might be.
32. Confusion
At Lily and James’ funeral, Remus lost all sense of composure; his tears fell in hot, angry streams, puffing his eyes and staining his cheeks - the worst part was that he didn’t know who they were for - for James and Lily, dead, and Peter as well; for little Harry, orphaned; for Sirius, his Sirius, gone so far astray without any warning at all, who had said that he loved him, but who had also said that he was loyal to the order; or maybe for himself, for Remus, who had suddenly found himself utterly and completely alone.
33. Fear
Sirius Black had always been fearless, sometimes to points that were far too extreme to even mention, yet he now found himself in a perplexing new situation - he was not on his own anymore; though he still never feared for himself, he worried about Remus constantly.
34. Lightning
During moments of idle contentment, with Remus laying beside him or lounging on the couch in the living room while he did the crossword in the armchair, Sirius liked to wonder about his good fortune; he sometimes asked himself, for example, whether one had a better chance of finding true love or being struck by lightning; he was infinitely glad that it had been the former that happened to him.
35. Bonds
Once, when they were in the middle of things, Sirius had told Remus that he sometimes desired nothing more than to tie the man down and ravish him; “Do it, then,” Remus had answered, which was how he had found himself, just a little while later, bound in silk scarves (and one woollen one because there weren’t enough), completely trusting in the man standing above him, his submission causing him a strange sort of thrill.
36. Market
Remus liked going to the market - there was something oddly invigorating and wholesome about being surrounded by tall stacks of perfectly shined produce; Sirius didn’t do the shopping anymore, not since the time he spent a whole week’s worth of grocery money on marked-down sweets and chocolate (“I thought you liked chocolate. . . it was such a good deal!”)
37. Technology
Remus had always hated the motorbike; it seemed to him that Sirius thought he could use it to escape everything, his troubles, his past, when in actuality all it did was allow him to careen dangerously though the air, attempting to play chicken with real chickens, or some such thing - Remus had seen the occasional feather in the spokes; still, he was willing to tolerate the infernal machine as long as it continued to bring Sirius home to him.
38. Gift
Sirius, for all his charm and natural charisma, had been known to be rather tactless in the past when it came to purchasing gifts; one year at Christmastime he made it all the way to the street outside the shop with a lovely silver something-or-other for Remus before he remembered vaguely that werewolves didn’t seem to be very fond of that particular metal.
39. Smile
Sirius had always been a charmer, and charmers have many smiles, all of them radiant and winning and somehow innocent and all-knowing at the same time; his real smile, though, the one he smiled for no other reason than pure, overwhelming happiness, was the one that Remus knew and loved the best - it lit up his whole face, and his eyes shone as though all the most beautiful parts of his soul had suddenly risen up right behind them, there to be glimpsed.
40. Innocence
There had never been anyone but Sirius for him, and so Remus had waited; He was nearly eighteen before he finally received his first kiss, with eyes and mouths closed, which tasted like butterbeer and chocolate and smelled of fresh air and clean skin.
41. Completion
All his life Remus hadn’t known what he wanted, didn’t know what his own expectations were, which made it all the more frustrating when he felt disillusioned; but now he had, he was certain, all he wanted, and he had it with someone who would die before knowingly causing him disappointment.
42. Clouds
The weather changed quickly, and in less than half an hour the sky was completely covered by dark grey clouds; to their absolute delight, however, what soon began to fall was not the torrential rain they were expecting, but thick, swirling snowflakes - Remus, who had intended to read was allowed to do no such thing, and soon found himself being dragged outdoors by one arm and the sleeve of the other to play in the snow with Sirius.
43. Sky
Remus didn’t fly often - his ability to control his broom was somewhat limited, which made him rather nervous; occasionally, though, he let himself be talked into riding behind Sirius, who was an excellent flyer; although he wouldn’t often admit it, Remus loved the feeling of holding his lover tightly from behind as they soared through the air, past the stars and the clouds, on their way to nowhere at all.
44. Heaven
There were times when Remus looked out into the heavens and thought he could see the stars smiling at him; at these times he felt Sirius’ presence and was granted a reprieve from his grief; most of the time, though, only the moon looked down at him, blank and cold and leering.
45. Hell
When Remus was out the house Grimmauld place was different; the walls were all tighter, his mother’s shrieks were louder, the nagging voices in his head were stronger and, worst of all, his helplessness was absolute; he would retreat to his room which was not his room but his cell and await, with a sullen expression on his face and a war of quiet desperation raging within him, the return of his deliverer who would once again make his existence here bearable.
46. Sun
Remus loved the little patches of sunlight that made their way through the window on very sunny days to illuminate the rug in leafy patterns; he liked to sit in them, to curl up like a cat on the floor and daydream; perhaps it was the dog in Sirius that always gave him the irresistible urge to quietly skulk up behind him and pounce.
47. Moon
But as the moon grew Remus was no longer mild-mannered; he stormed about the house, cursing and raging, before smashing a mug against a wall and dissolving in a fit of tears - then it was Sirius’ turn to be the responsible one, gathering the man up in his arms and gently kissing his cheeks and eyelids, whispering soothing words of love.
48. Waves
On one of their visits to the seaside Sirius had attempted to fashion himself a raft out some large bits of driftwood he found along the shore, which he thought he might be able to steer with a long stick, like a gondolier; Remus refused to accompany him on the test launch, and decided, as Sirius suddenly found himself being helplessly swept out to sea, to let him get out a little further before he rescued him with a summoning charm, just to make sure he learned his lesson.
49. Hair
Sirius Black had always been beautiful, with flawless features that were at once strong and delicate; Remus loved his hair long like this because it, too, was perfect, and it suited the rest of him; he loved to run his fingers through it and tangle them in its silkiness; he loved the way it splayed itself out on the pillow behind Sirius as he slept, its colour perfectly contrasting the white cotton.
50. Supernova
Sirius had been nothing short of radiant his whole life, Remus knew; everything he did he did grandly, and everything he said he said loudly; his death had been no different, he had fought bravely and shone brightly; the tragic part was that his supernova had gone undetected by so many.
Thanks for reading. . . hope you liked!