24 - Kyle Porter/Brittany House
Fandom: 24
Pairing: Kyle Porter x Brittany House
Theme Set: Epsilon
Rating: PG
Backstory summary under the cut.
Kyle Porter's relationship with Brittany House is the very definition of blowing it with a woman. From the same theatrical_muse 'verse as House/Brittany, where House/Brittany is my OTP, Brittany/Kyle is the OTP that never will be because he screwed it up so badly...which doesn't mean we don't all love him just the same, just that he's never gonna get the girl. *tear*
To elaborate: Kyle (Steven Culp) met Brittany (Eliza Dushku) five years ago when he was her instructor at CTU Academy. He fell in love with her; she never noticed, and ultimately because of their age difference and the fact that he didn't want it to look as if she only passed because she got involved with the teacher, Kyle never said anything. He had one last chance to at her graduation, but kept his mouth shut and left for reassignment in New York days later. The two figured to never see each other again until Brittany walked into a Division conference room in New York -- with her new husband, Greg House (Hugh Laurie) in tow.
Since that day, Brittany and Kyle have revisited their relationship, and it's grown stronger albeit only on a platonic level. She now works under him at Division, and he's formed a friendship with her husband. It's clear, however, that he'll always be fascinated by her on some level and that she truly holds him dear for what he brings to her life. There's a unique chemistry between them of a friendship based on the ashes of what might have been...and a pondering of what happens to them now.
****
#01 - Motion: It sometimes feels like everything around them is always moving, changing, breaking down, blowing up, or otherwise being a living example of Karl Marx's dialectic -- but when Kyle Porter and Brittany House are standing in a room together, all that motion is secondary as the world between them stops and it's just the two of them together, looking at and into each other, wondering about that five-year gap that could be nothing or everything.
#02 - Cool: "Okay, so let me get this straight," Kyle said, swiveling in his desk chair and looking at all of his subordinates, especially the young woman standing in the corner laughing like she was going to hurt herself, "there was a point where Michael Bolton was ever cool?"
#03 - Young: "You looked so young when I first saw your face," he murmured, holding her chin in his hand as he looked down into her eyes, his lips close enough that a slight breeze would seal them to hers, "and now I look at you and you seem so old."
#04 - Last: The Chargers are battling for the last playoff spot in the AFC, so they're sitting next to each other in front of a TV, watching the game against the Chiefs, and Kyle's Falcons jersey is ridiculously out of place considering the game has nothing to do with Michael Vick -- still, Brittany just looks him over, and a skeptical look appears on her face, followed by "I don't know if I can love a Falcons fan," causing him to just roll his eyes and kiss her to shut her up.
#05 - Wrong: "You blew it," Kyle Porter told her softly, unable to meet her eyes and instead conducting a thorough visual examination of his desk, before he said, "Brittany, you know that I love you but you also know that you screwed up, and you're gonna have to pay the price...just because I'm your friend doesn't mean I can stop it...in fact it makes me the least viable person to stop it."
#06 - Gentle: Kyle had never been anything but a gentle soul, calm and serene, his face never showing any hint of darker things -- and the older she got, Brittany couldn't help but wish to feel that same way, wonder if he could touch her and make her feel that way, if only for a little while.
#07 - One: "This," Kyle said, nodding toward her wedding band and then releasing her wrist, "is why we don't do this -- because you love him and he loves you and while I love you, it doesn't matter because there's only room for one of us in your life."
#08 - Thousand: There's a point, early in the baseball season, on day one or two, where there's always some guy batting a thousand because he's gotten two hits in his only two plate appearances, and when that guy happens to be Mark Loretta, Brittany looks like she wants to send him a card and flowers; Kyle can't blame her, because he's got flowers for her hidden in his office, feeling like he's batting a thousand because he's the guy that gets to go home with her.
#09 - King: Kyle and Brittany would be arguing over who was the better quarterback -- Michael Vick or Drew Brees -- for as long as they knew each other, and as a corollary to that debacle, anyone who mentioned anyone with the last name 'Manning' always got a glare intended to cause demise.
#10 - Learn: He'd been watching her closely since she'd started as assistant training supervisor, neither of them sure if she could handle it -- good fieldwork didn't necessarily lend itself to good instruction -- but Kyle had been pleasantly surprised by how much the students had learned from her, and how much she'd learned in teaching them.
#11 - Blur: Kyle helps Brittany pack when she's heading off on maternity leave, her stomach swelling with the presence of her baby, and for a moment he wants to ask her what the fuck happened --how in five years she can be twice married, once divorced, twice promoted, and pregnant, because every time he looks at her he can't help but remember her as the sixteen-year-old recruit who spent her time studying and telling him she figured she was going to die alone in a blaze of glory at thirty or less.
#12 - Wait: After Greg leaves Brittany for Chase, or so Kyle thinks that's the way it went, she disappears off the planet for a week while she files divorce paperwork and moves out of the house, and Kyle's heart is hammering in his chest -- he wants to tell her not to go so quietly, or at least to run to her, take her into his arms and tell her that he would never have done that, but he knows that she will never listen to him; she's in the throes of hurt and grief and anger, and she needs to deal with that before she can find him waiting on the other side.
#13 - Change: She knew she shouldn't have been disappointed that he'd fallen at least in like with Shannon, since Shannon was a nice woman, the ex of her friend, and Kyle was a good man, but Brittany couldn't help but remember that it meant one more step away from her whether he meant it or not.
#14 - Command: Kyle has never liked being in charge, even though his job description technically mandates it, so the first time they actually sleep together he lets Brittany take control of the whole situation, except that she's the submissive, giving type and it somehow becomes about what he wants, until it's less about the sex and more about the two of them just laughing at their own contradictory instincts and how much it must really be love if they're both willing to surrender.
#15 - Hold: Maybe it's the fact that he knows from five years of experience that she'll throw herself in front of, at or on anything to save a human life, or because he'd like her to actually be breathing when their wedding day comes around, but every time Brittany picks up a gun or goes to help out the field office, Kyle has to repress the urge to hold her or possibly handcuff her to her desk chair.
#16 - Need: It takes her forever to accept his help; she's a woman taught to be self-reliant lest one get burned, and she doesn't like to need anyone after having herself flayed open time and time again, but Kyle promises her that he won't hurt her, and it is honestly the last thing he would ever do.
#17 - Vision: Foresight and patience are the two key traits for any effective tactical plan, and Kyle has always kept them in the back of the head, but he has no idea if he deserves to be beaten with a ruler for using them to pick up his co-worker -- his deputy, no less.
#18 - Attention: Kyle is well aware that Brittany hates to be the center of attention -- she turns pink, she finds ways to duck out of the room, she's refused almost every award or compliment she's ever been given -- so he tries not to make her that way, but he can't help that at least he stops and stares when she walks into a room...he's a man, after all, and she's a woman who doesn't know it yet but he gave her his heart and doesn't really want it back.
#19 - Soul: They've come to certain decisions in their relationship, because of what they've both been through: the first is that they've never actually called it a relationship, even though they both know it is; the second is that marriage is probably out of the question, considering he had to talk her out of killing herself after her second husband left her, and he knows she doesn't want to be one of those people who becomes a serial bride; there's enough shame in her heart and fractures in her soul for getting it wrong twice.
#20 - Picture: There's the same picture on her desk, in her wallet, on her mantel, and Kyle envies Brittany a family with whom she is so close even if one of them is dead -- the more time he spends with her, the more he remembers stepping away from his family as a teenager, and now, in his early forties, wishing he could take all that back and he could be close to his family again.
#21 - Fool: "How about," Kyle said, walking into Brittany's office and leaning in the doorway with one hand on his hip and a puppy-dog look on his face, "I was an idiot to leave without a trace five years ago and because I'm Catholic, I've been wracked with guilt and feel a strange compulsive need for atonement, so really, if you'd smack me with a ruler, I'd feel a lot better and we could drop this subject?"
#22 - Mad: There was nothing that made Kyle Porter more irritated than a sloppily played Atlanta Falcons loss on Sunday night -- but seeing Brittany smile at him on Monday morning made him feel a lot less likely to murder Jim Mora with his bare hands...plus, she thinks the Falcons' head coach is kind of cute, so she'd probably protest.
#23 - Child: Kyle arched an eyebrow as he watched his colleague's son bolt down the hall in the direction of his father, leaving both his mother and Kyle laughing in his wake, the latter saying, "Kid looks like you, but the idea of Greg procreating still scares me."
#24 - Now: When he looks at her across the room, he's reminded of a time when he could have swept her up in his arms, held her close, and kissed her like she deserves, but that was five years ago and because he blew it then she's got a husband on her arm -- a man who loves her even if he doesn't quite deserve her, and Kyle Porter will never be called a homewrecker, no matter how much it hurts.
#25 - Shadow: Standing in the doorway he wants to tell her to stop lying, to stop trying to pretend she is perfect, pure and innocent, but he can't quite say it because he knows she is not and never has done it for herself but instead for all the people that want her to be that way and need her to be that way so the can depend on her, and he wants to turn to them and ask them what the hell they're doing depending on a twenty-one-year-old to save their souls, no matter who she is.
#26 - Goodbye: Kyle wanted to tell her that every day for the last five years he'd kicked himself mentally for at least not having the decorum to say goodbye before he got on that plane -- and then it hit him that maybe he had never said it because he didn't want to say goodbye, didn't want to let go of the love that he had, a love that had now made the foundation for something more.
#27 - Hide: Kyle's learned to hide the part of him that says he never stopped loving Brittany, because in no way do you ever confess intentions to a married woman for whom marriage is an ultimate, all encompassing and literal covenant -- especially when you're a Catholic and the amount of guilt and punishment that would entail would probably send you straight to hell, no matter how committed her husband seems or doesn't seem to be.
#28 - Fortune: Brittany admits to being a woman of faith, yet not a woman of religion, and Kyle by contrast is a man of religion, though not of faith -- mostly, he thinks karma is bullshit, because if there were karma, good people like her wouldn't find their mother's murdered bodies and guys like him wouldn't watch his friend's kid be orphaned because Daddy got shot and killed trying to protect his country.
#29 - Safe: In relationships between agents, nothing is ever safe; one or both partners can be killed in the line of duty, or abducted, tortured, beaten up, foxholed, any sort of insane thing at any time, and neither Kyle nor Brittany likes living life on a perpetual tripwire, each convinced that the other may fall and they might not be able to get there fast enough to catch them.
#30 - Ghost: Kyle looks like he's seen a ghost, and Brittany quickens her pace, coming up behind him and laying a hand on his back, but when he turns his head and looks at her she knows the only ghost there is, is the haunting image he'll be playing back in his brain for the rest of his life -- the one where the gun jammed and the bullet clipped the side of his head and everything he knew went to shit from there.
#31 - Book: Brittany always has her head buried in a book, force of habit from her childhood, and as he walks by her office to his every day, Kyle checks to see what she's reading now; he's taken by surprise when he realizes she's gotten her hands on his Virginia Tech class of 1986 yearbook, and he hopes to hell she doesn't see his class photo, the one where he already looks like he's spent too long thinking about the meaning of life.
#32 - Eye: From the moment he picked up a gun again, Kyle knew he was going to have nightmares about the incident in Phoenix and almost having his eye shot out, not to mention his brain -- but he knew he couldn't miss this shot, couldn't fuck up now, because if he missed this shot the next thing he was going to be doing was taking Brittany home in a body bag.
#33 - Never: This never should have happened, Kyle Porter knew, but then again the relationship he had with Brittany was fraught with nevers -- he never should have fallen for her, never should have gotten on the plane without saying goodbye, never should have tried to pretend things were the same -- so what was being the rebound guy but another one on the list of indiscretions?
#34 - Sing: She sings under her breath when she thinks no one's listening, but Kyle is, and he almost wants to make the crack that between her and his guitar playing, they could make a bad folk duo, a la Sonny and Cher, but then that brings thoughts of duos and duets in his head and that's just going a little overboard.
#35 - Sudden: It wasn't like it came out of the blue or anything -- Kyle Porter has had five years to figure out what the hell it is about her that won't quite leave despite the five years and cross country distance, but he's still no closer to an answer now than he was then, and she's been oblivious all the while; he envies her that.
#36 - Stop: Kyle Porter knows he has to knock this shit off, this tinkering with the last few feelings he has for a woman he knew years ago, because pursuing them would wreck her family, wreck her marriage, and quite possibly get him caned, and he fights with himself on a daily basis to keep his mouth shut, his instincts compliant, and his eyes from giving any longing looks away.
#37 - Time: Kyle knows how Brittany House has lived her life, in the world of her father -- where every second counts, every moment means, every decision could be The Decision that changes everything -- and he wishes that he could change that for her, slow down time so she could savor it, give her moments that are nice but that she can forget without guilt or fear, stop making her have to be the gamesmaster with human lives...but he knows, too, that mankind are creatures of habit and she was bred for war.
#38 - Wash: His girlfriend always seemed like she was looking for absolution, and Kyle Porter could understand why, sort of, though he still wondered what she had been through in his absence to bring her to bowed head and bended knee...every time she started to pray it pulled at him, and he wanted to tell her that there were no sins to absolve her of, and even if there were, he was the Catholic in the relationship and it was his job to bear the guilt and other assorted stigmas.
#39 - Torn: Kyle Porter stands on the outside looking in, and what he sees about the woman he loves is as clear as day: she's a woman who loves deeply and totally, who doesn't see it as something finite, and she's paid the price for that, having loved at least four men whom she still holds soft spots for because she doesn't believe in letting go if she might be needed -- love is not something simple nor does it have to be romantic, but it's an expression of a bond and a relationship, and he finds something both noble and tragic in that.
#40 - History: It wasn't quite so simple as running into an old friend at the grocery store -- there was real, raw history between them, however brief, something with a pulse, that had concerned life and death, love and the why of things; they could never look at each other without having five years in a glance.
#41 - Power: Neither Kyle Porter nor Brittany House has any delusions about what they really are, simple ordinary people who chose or had thrust upon them, depending on how you want to look at it, the forces of life and death -- and ever since then they can't look at life through normal eyes, except when they're alone together.
#42 - Bother: About every other week Brittany wants to ask Kyle what he's doing bothering with a woman of her youth and obvious ineptitude, especially after she trips over the pylons on the obstacle course, but she knows he has a probably-prepared response about vanilla ice cream or the way she laughs on his tongue, so she learns to not worry about why and focus on the who.
#43 - God: "For somebody who's a lapsed man," Brittany said, coming up behind Kyle and looking past him at the flickering candles, "I never really figured you for the whole Midnight Mass thing."
#44 - Wall: Running into walls has always been Brittany House's big habit, and Kyle Porter has decided he's always going to be there to pick her up afterward -- if he's not too busy running into doors, that is.
#45 - Naked: She flinches the first time he sees her naked, four months into their relationship, because she expects him to see the eight obvious and violent scars that canvass her body, but Kyle doesn't see them because he's got more than enough invisible scars on his soul and psyche to well outdo her, something he will tell her now that he has crossed that final line and let her into his permanent life.
#46 - Drive: It's raining by the time they make the drive up to Exposition Park just to see the exhibit on space and the NASA simulator at the Science Center, and he's kind of disappointed because who wants to go walking through a rose garden in the rain, but that was the part of the plan he hadn't told her about because he thinks she's sixteen, single, wonderful and she needs some damn surprise in her life that doesn't involve the barrel of a gun.
#47 - Harm: Kyle doesn't want to take her home that night because he knows that after she checks in with Jack and Teri, she's going to have to drive back to Huntington Beach -- and to parents who don't love her and have done more harm than good, and he can't help it, he's falling in love with her and he wants to keep her in his arms, where she's safe.
#48 - Precious: He tries not to use adjectives that are overly childish, like 'cute' or 'darling,' in an attempt not to pigeonhole her into that stereotype she's still fighting about being the young prodigy whom everyone expects to save the world, but Kyle Porter can't help but think of Brittany Wells as precious, to be cherished, a step or two away from breaking, never mind that she's always throwing herself on the fire.*
#49 - Hunger: "You have the weirdest food cravings at the weirdest times," Kyle tells Brittany as he looks over his shoulder at her from where he's manning the grill on the back patio, and all he's greeted with is a shrug and a smile, which generally translates in the Brittany-to-English dictionary as 'it is what it is and I've long since given up on figuring myself out,' which both makes him laugh and piques his interest even further because he'll never cease to try and find out what makes her tick -- even if she doesn't know for herself.
#50 - Believe: It happens one night when everything else is falling down around them, the true consequence of picking up weapons again and letting themselves be pulled back into the fray of fighting for the future; he's brooding in ways he never has before and she's shed more tears over more losses than she expected, and they know they can't go back again, they've blown it, it's over...but if they have nothing to believe in, at least they can believe that they're in this together, till death do they part.
*Brittany's maiden name is given as Wells in the first season of After Life: The Series.
Pairing: Kyle Porter x Brittany House
Theme Set: Epsilon
Rating: PG
Backstory summary under the cut.
Kyle Porter's relationship with Brittany House is the very definition of blowing it with a woman. From the same theatrical_muse 'verse as House/Brittany, where House/Brittany is my OTP, Brittany/Kyle is the OTP that never will be because he screwed it up so badly...which doesn't mean we don't all love him just the same, just that he's never gonna get the girl. *tear*
To elaborate: Kyle (Steven Culp) met Brittany (Eliza Dushku) five years ago when he was her instructor at CTU Academy. He fell in love with her; she never noticed, and ultimately because of their age difference and the fact that he didn't want it to look as if she only passed because she got involved with the teacher, Kyle never said anything. He had one last chance to at her graduation, but kept his mouth shut and left for reassignment in New York days later. The two figured to never see each other again until Brittany walked into a Division conference room in New York -- with her new husband, Greg House (Hugh Laurie) in tow.
Since that day, Brittany and Kyle have revisited their relationship, and it's grown stronger albeit only on a platonic level. She now works under him at Division, and he's formed a friendship with her husband. It's clear, however, that he'll always be fascinated by her on some level and that she truly holds him dear for what he brings to her life. There's a unique chemistry between them of a friendship based on the ashes of what might have been...and a pondering of what happens to them now.
****
#01 - Motion: It sometimes feels like everything around them is always moving, changing, breaking down, blowing up, or otherwise being a living example of Karl Marx's dialectic -- but when Kyle Porter and Brittany House are standing in a room together, all that motion is secondary as the world between them stops and it's just the two of them together, looking at and into each other, wondering about that five-year gap that could be nothing or everything.
#02 - Cool: "Okay, so let me get this straight," Kyle said, swiveling in his desk chair and looking at all of his subordinates, especially the young woman standing in the corner laughing like she was going to hurt herself, "there was a point where Michael Bolton was ever cool?"
#03 - Young: "You looked so young when I first saw your face," he murmured, holding her chin in his hand as he looked down into her eyes, his lips close enough that a slight breeze would seal them to hers, "and now I look at you and you seem so old."
#04 - Last: The Chargers are battling for the last playoff spot in the AFC, so they're sitting next to each other in front of a TV, watching the game against the Chiefs, and Kyle's Falcons jersey is ridiculously out of place considering the game has nothing to do with Michael Vick -- still, Brittany just looks him over, and a skeptical look appears on her face, followed by "I don't know if I can love a Falcons fan," causing him to just roll his eyes and kiss her to shut her up.
#05 - Wrong: "You blew it," Kyle Porter told her softly, unable to meet her eyes and instead conducting a thorough visual examination of his desk, before he said, "Brittany, you know that I love you but you also know that you screwed up, and you're gonna have to pay the price...just because I'm your friend doesn't mean I can stop it...in fact it makes me the least viable person to stop it."
#06 - Gentle: Kyle had never been anything but a gentle soul, calm and serene, his face never showing any hint of darker things -- and the older she got, Brittany couldn't help but wish to feel that same way, wonder if he could touch her and make her feel that way, if only for a little while.
#07 - One: "This," Kyle said, nodding toward her wedding band and then releasing her wrist, "is why we don't do this -- because you love him and he loves you and while I love you, it doesn't matter because there's only room for one of us in your life."
#08 - Thousand: There's a point, early in the baseball season, on day one or two, where there's always some guy batting a thousand because he's gotten two hits in his only two plate appearances, and when that guy happens to be Mark Loretta, Brittany looks like she wants to send him a card and flowers; Kyle can't blame her, because he's got flowers for her hidden in his office, feeling like he's batting a thousand because he's the guy that gets to go home with her.
#09 - King: Kyle and Brittany would be arguing over who was the better quarterback -- Michael Vick or Drew Brees -- for as long as they knew each other, and as a corollary to that debacle, anyone who mentioned anyone with the last name 'Manning' always got a glare intended to cause demise.
#10 - Learn: He'd been watching her closely since she'd started as assistant training supervisor, neither of them sure if she could handle it -- good fieldwork didn't necessarily lend itself to good instruction -- but Kyle had been pleasantly surprised by how much the students had learned from her, and how much she'd learned in teaching them.
#11 - Blur: Kyle helps Brittany pack when she's heading off on maternity leave, her stomach swelling with the presence of her baby, and for a moment he wants to ask her what the fuck happened --how in five years she can be twice married, once divorced, twice promoted, and pregnant, because every time he looks at her he can't help but remember her as the sixteen-year-old recruit who spent her time studying and telling him she figured she was going to die alone in a blaze of glory at thirty or less.
#12 - Wait: After Greg leaves Brittany for Chase, or so Kyle thinks that's the way it went, she disappears off the planet for a week while she files divorce paperwork and moves out of the house, and Kyle's heart is hammering in his chest -- he wants to tell her not to go so quietly, or at least to run to her, take her into his arms and tell her that he would never have done that, but he knows that she will never listen to him; she's in the throes of hurt and grief and anger, and she needs to deal with that before she can find him waiting on the other side.
#13 - Change: She knew she shouldn't have been disappointed that he'd fallen at least in like with Shannon, since Shannon was a nice woman, the ex of her friend, and Kyle was a good man, but Brittany couldn't help but remember that it meant one more step away from her whether he meant it or not.
#14 - Command: Kyle has never liked being in charge, even though his job description technically mandates it, so the first time they actually sleep together he lets Brittany take control of the whole situation, except that she's the submissive, giving type and it somehow becomes about what he wants, until it's less about the sex and more about the two of them just laughing at their own contradictory instincts and how much it must really be love if they're both willing to surrender.
#15 - Hold: Maybe it's the fact that he knows from five years of experience that she'll throw herself in front of, at or on anything to save a human life, or because he'd like her to actually be breathing when their wedding day comes around, but every time Brittany picks up a gun or goes to help out the field office, Kyle has to repress the urge to hold her or possibly handcuff her to her desk chair.
#16 - Need: It takes her forever to accept his help; she's a woman taught to be self-reliant lest one get burned, and she doesn't like to need anyone after having herself flayed open time and time again, but Kyle promises her that he won't hurt her, and it is honestly the last thing he would ever do.
#17 - Vision: Foresight and patience are the two key traits for any effective tactical plan, and Kyle has always kept them in the back of the head, but he has no idea if he deserves to be beaten with a ruler for using them to pick up his co-worker -- his deputy, no less.
#18 - Attention: Kyle is well aware that Brittany hates to be the center of attention -- she turns pink, she finds ways to duck out of the room, she's refused almost every award or compliment she's ever been given -- so he tries not to make her that way, but he can't help that at least he stops and stares when she walks into a room...he's a man, after all, and she's a woman who doesn't know it yet but he gave her his heart and doesn't really want it back.
#19 - Soul: They've come to certain decisions in their relationship, because of what they've both been through: the first is that they've never actually called it a relationship, even though they both know it is; the second is that marriage is probably out of the question, considering he had to talk her out of killing herself after her second husband left her, and he knows she doesn't want to be one of those people who becomes a serial bride; there's enough shame in her heart and fractures in her soul for getting it wrong twice.
#20 - Picture: There's the same picture on her desk, in her wallet, on her mantel, and Kyle envies Brittany a family with whom she is so close even if one of them is dead -- the more time he spends with her, the more he remembers stepping away from his family as a teenager, and now, in his early forties, wishing he could take all that back and he could be close to his family again.
#21 - Fool: "How about," Kyle said, walking into Brittany's office and leaning in the doorway with one hand on his hip and a puppy-dog look on his face, "I was an idiot to leave without a trace five years ago and because I'm Catholic, I've been wracked with guilt and feel a strange compulsive need for atonement, so really, if you'd smack me with a ruler, I'd feel a lot better and we could drop this subject?"
#22 - Mad: There was nothing that made Kyle Porter more irritated than a sloppily played Atlanta Falcons loss on Sunday night -- but seeing Brittany smile at him on Monday morning made him feel a lot less likely to murder Jim Mora with his bare hands...plus, she thinks the Falcons' head coach is kind of cute, so she'd probably protest.
#23 - Child: Kyle arched an eyebrow as he watched his colleague's son bolt down the hall in the direction of his father, leaving both his mother and Kyle laughing in his wake, the latter saying, "Kid looks like you, but the idea of Greg procreating still scares me."
#24 - Now: When he looks at her across the room, he's reminded of a time when he could have swept her up in his arms, held her close, and kissed her like she deserves, but that was five years ago and because he blew it then she's got a husband on her arm -- a man who loves her even if he doesn't quite deserve her, and Kyle Porter will never be called a homewrecker, no matter how much it hurts.
#25 - Shadow: Standing in the doorway he wants to tell her to stop lying, to stop trying to pretend she is perfect, pure and innocent, but he can't quite say it because he knows she is not and never has done it for herself but instead for all the people that want her to be that way and need her to be that way so the can depend on her, and he wants to turn to them and ask them what the hell they're doing depending on a twenty-one-year-old to save their souls, no matter who she is.
#26 - Goodbye: Kyle wanted to tell her that every day for the last five years he'd kicked himself mentally for at least not having the decorum to say goodbye before he got on that plane -- and then it hit him that maybe he had never said it because he didn't want to say goodbye, didn't want to let go of the love that he had, a love that had now made the foundation for something more.
#27 - Hide: Kyle's learned to hide the part of him that says he never stopped loving Brittany, because in no way do you ever confess intentions to a married woman for whom marriage is an ultimate, all encompassing and literal covenant -- especially when you're a Catholic and the amount of guilt and punishment that would entail would probably send you straight to hell, no matter how committed her husband seems or doesn't seem to be.
#28 - Fortune: Brittany admits to being a woman of faith, yet not a woman of religion, and Kyle by contrast is a man of religion, though not of faith -- mostly, he thinks karma is bullshit, because if there were karma, good people like her wouldn't find their mother's murdered bodies and guys like him wouldn't watch his friend's kid be orphaned because Daddy got shot and killed trying to protect his country.
#29 - Safe: In relationships between agents, nothing is ever safe; one or both partners can be killed in the line of duty, or abducted, tortured, beaten up, foxholed, any sort of insane thing at any time, and neither Kyle nor Brittany likes living life on a perpetual tripwire, each convinced that the other may fall and they might not be able to get there fast enough to catch them.
#30 - Ghost: Kyle looks like he's seen a ghost, and Brittany quickens her pace, coming up behind him and laying a hand on his back, but when he turns his head and looks at her she knows the only ghost there is, is the haunting image he'll be playing back in his brain for the rest of his life -- the one where the gun jammed and the bullet clipped the side of his head and everything he knew went to shit from there.
#31 - Book: Brittany always has her head buried in a book, force of habit from her childhood, and as he walks by her office to his every day, Kyle checks to see what she's reading now; he's taken by surprise when he realizes she's gotten her hands on his Virginia Tech class of 1986 yearbook, and he hopes to hell she doesn't see his class photo, the one where he already looks like he's spent too long thinking about the meaning of life.
#32 - Eye: From the moment he picked up a gun again, Kyle knew he was going to have nightmares about the incident in Phoenix and almost having his eye shot out, not to mention his brain -- but he knew he couldn't miss this shot, couldn't fuck up now, because if he missed this shot the next thing he was going to be doing was taking Brittany home in a body bag.
#33 - Never: This never should have happened, Kyle Porter knew, but then again the relationship he had with Brittany was fraught with nevers -- he never should have fallen for her, never should have gotten on the plane without saying goodbye, never should have tried to pretend things were the same -- so what was being the rebound guy but another one on the list of indiscretions?
#34 - Sing: She sings under her breath when she thinks no one's listening, but Kyle is, and he almost wants to make the crack that between her and his guitar playing, they could make a bad folk duo, a la Sonny and Cher, but then that brings thoughts of duos and duets in his head and that's just going a little overboard.
#35 - Sudden: It wasn't like it came out of the blue or anything -- Kyle Porter has had five years to figure out what the hell it is about her that won't quite leave despite the five years and cross country distance, but he's still no closer to an answer now than he was then, and she's been oblivious all the while; he envies her that.
#36 - Stop: Kyle Porter knows he has to knock this shit off, this tinkering with the last few feelings he has for a woman he knew years ago, because pursuing them would wreck her family, wreck her marriage, and quite possibly get him caned, and he fights with himself on a daily basis to keep his mouth shut, his instincts compliant, and his eyes from giving any longing looks away.
#37 - Time: Kyle knows how Brittany House has lived her life, in the world of her father -- where every second counts, every moment means, every decision could be The Decision that changes everything -- and he wishes that he could change that for her, slow down time so she could savor it, give her moments that are nice but that she can forget without guilt or fear, stop making her have to be the gamesmaster with human lives...but he knows, too, that mankind are creatures of habit and she was bred for war.
#38 - Wash: His girlfriend always seemed like she was looking for absolution, and Kyle Porter could understand why, sort of, though he still wondered what she had been through in his absence to bring her to bowed head and bended knee...every time she started to pray it pulled at him, and he wanted to tell her that there were no sins to absolve her of, and even if there were, he was the Catholic in the relationship and it was his job to bear the guilt and other assorted stigmas.
#39 - Torn: Kyle Porter stands on the outside looking in, and what he sees about the woman he loves is as clear as day: she's a woman who loves deeply and totally, who doesn't see it as something finite, and she's paid the price for that, having loved at least four men whom she still holds soft spots for because she doesn't believe in letting go if she might be needed -- love is not something simple nor does it have to be romantic, but it's an expression of a bond and a relationship, and he finds something both noble and tragic in that.
#40 - History: It wasn't quite so simple as running into an old friend at the grocery store -- there was real, raw history between them, however brief, something with a pulse, that had concerned life and death, love and the why of things; they could never look at each other without having five years in a glance.
#41 - Power: Neither Kyle Porter nor Brittany House has any delusions about what they really are, simple ordinary people who chose or had thrust upon them, depending on how you want to look at it, the forces of life and death -- and ever since then they can't look at life through normal eyes, except when they're alone together.
#42 - Bother: About every other week Brittany wants to ask Kyle what he's doing bothering with a woman of her youth and obvious ineptitude, especially after she trips over the pylons on the obstacle course, but she knows he has a probably-prepared response about vanilla ice cream or the way she laughs on his tongue, so she learns to not worry about why and focus on the who.
#43 - God: "For somebody who's a lapsed man," Brittany said, coming up behind Kyle and looking past him at the flickering candles, "I never really figured you for the whole Midnight Mass thing."
#44 - Wall: Running into walls has always been Brittany House's big habit, and Kyle Porter has decided he's always going to be there to pick her up afterward -- if he's not too busy running into doors, that is.
#45 - Naked: She flinches the first time he sees her naked, four months into their relationship, because she expects him to see the eight obvious and violent scars that canvass her body, but Kyle doesn't see them because he's got more than enough invisible scars on his soul and psyche to well outdo her, something he will tell her now that he has crossed that final line and let her into his permanent life.
#46 - Drive: It's raining by the time they make the drive up to Exposition Park just to see the exhibit on space and the NASA simulator at the Science Center, and he's kind of disappointed because who wants to go walking through a rose garden in the rain, but that was the part of the plan he hadn't told her about because he thinks she's sixteen, single, wonderful and she needs some damn surprise in her life that doesn't involve the barrel of a gun.
#47 - Harm: Kyle doesn't want to take her home that night because he knows that after she checks in with Jack and Teri, she's going to have to drive back to Huntington Beach -- and to parents who don't love her and have done more harm than good, and he can't help it, he's falling in love with her and he wants to keep her in his arms, where she's safe.
#48 - Precious: He tries not to use adjectives that are overly childish, like 'cute' or 'darling,' in an attempt not to pigeonhole her into that stereotype she's still fighting about being the young prodigy whom everyone expects to save the world, but Kyle Porter can't help but think of Brittany Wells as precious, to be cherished, a step or two away from breaking, never mind that she's always throwing herself on the fire.*
#49 - Hunger: "You have the weirdest food cravings at the weirdest times," Kyle tells Brittany as he looks over his shoulder at her from where he's manning the grill on the back patio, and all he's greeted with is a shrug and a smile, which generally translates in the Brittany-to-English dictionary as 'it is what it is and I've long since given up on figuring myself out,' which both makes him laugh and piques his interest even further because he'll never cease to try and find out what makes her tick -- even if she doesn't know for herself.
#50 - Believe: It happens one night when everything else is falling down around them, the true consequence of picking up weapons again and letting themselves be pulled back into the fray of fighting for the future; he's brooding in ways he never has before and she's shed more tears over more losses than she expected, and they know they can't go back again, they've blown it, it's over...but if they have nothing to believe in, at least they can believe that they're in this together, till death do they part.
*Brittany's maiden name is given as Wells in the first season of After Life: The Series.