Hogan/Klink [slash], Hogan's Heroes
1-Walking: If it weren’t for the guards, the barbed wire, the floodlights, and of course the other prisoners, Klink could almost pretend that the emergency late-night barracks inspection Hogan insisted on was a moonlit stroll.
2-Waltz: As Klink watches Hogan spin his date around the floor, he grudgingly admits to himself that the American is a very good dancer.
3-Wishes: If wishes were horses, Hogan thinks, Klink would be the head of the whole damned cavalry by now.
4-Wonder: No matter how frequently he takes advantage of it, Hogan will never cease to be amazed by Klink’s willingness to believe anything he says.
5-Worry: Klink can’t decide whether to cry or laugh when the first words out of Hogan’s mouth after sleeping off two days of Gestapo questioning are, “Get some sleep, Commandant, you look worse than I feel.”
6-Whimsy: In a fit of whimsy brought on by too much wine (which he’ll regret come morning) Klink lets Hogan spin him into a waltz once the last general leaves the camp.
7-Waste/Wasteland: Klink watches Hogan laughing and joking with his men in the compound, and wonders when his own life became barren of anything resembling friendship.
8-Whiskey and rum: Hogan would have to be an idiot not to notice the correlation between Germany’s increasingly suicidal military decisions and the frequency with which Klink shows up at morning roll call hungover.
9-War: All is fair in love and war-now if only Klink could figure out which it is he and Hogan are engaged in.
10-Weddings: After waking abruptly from a dream in which Hogan, presiding from behind Klink’s desk, pronounces Klink and Gertrude Linkmeyer man and wife while best man Schultz sniffles somewhere off to the side, Klink promises himself he’ll never drink hard liquor before bed again.
11-Birthday: Since his mother is the only other person who still remembers his birthday, Klink is moved beyond words when Hogan throws him a party this year-even if it is three weeks early.
12-Blessing: Klink’s initial impression of Hogan as a relatively pleasant and cooperative prisoner quickly fades, but for reasons he doesn’t completely understand he still considers the man’s presence in his camp a boon-either that or a cruel joke at his expense.
13-Bias: “You’re too soft on the commandant, sir-he’s just a Kraut like all the rest of them,” Newkirk says, and Hogan’s not sure he’s wrong.
14-Burning: Klink feels awful as Stalag 13 burns to the ground, but when Hogan’s hand rests on his shoulder he decides that things could be much worse.
15-Breathing: Klink imagines how Hogan would act during sex with a woman and decides, not like this, as Hogan’s hands and teeth leave bruises that won’t fade for days and his breath rasps harshly past Klink’s ear.
16-Breaking: Something has to give, so Klink does what he does best under pressure and breaks before Hochstetter can decide whether to arrest Hogan or shoot him.
17-Belief: “So why haven’t you joined the Nazi party?” Hogan asks, but Klink can’t give him an answer that doesn’t make him sound like a traitor to his country.
18-Balloon: Not for the first time, Hogan is grateful that Klink’s ego is so easy to re-inflate after bursting.
19-Balcony: The porch of the kommandantur is not exactly a balcony; however, with Hogan grinning slyly up at him from the tidy little flowerbed Klink can’t help but feel a little giddy.
20-Bane: Klink knows that someday Hogan will be the death of him, but while the man has him shoved up against the wall and a hand down his trousers he can’t quite bring himself to care.
21-Quiet: When Klink finishes his paperwork for the day and realizes that Hogan hasn’t bothered him once, he worries about what the man could possibly be up to now.
22-Quirks: Klink may use bone china teacups, but he swigs his cocoa like any old mess hall swill-Hogan chalks it up to thirty years of military life and makes sure he sticks his pinky out when LeBeau serves coffee in the barracks.
23-Questions: Klink can’t help but ask how, exactly, Hogan had managed to collect five-thousand marks and procure the uniform of a major in the Luftwaffe that fit him like as though tailored, and deliver it in person to the blackmailers outside of camp-but he knows not to expect any answers.
24-Quarrel: If Hochstetter had better control of his temper than a rabid jackal, Klink reasons, their conversations wouldn’t devolve quite so quickly; how Hogan knows to show up just as things get ugly is a mystery Klink feels no need to investigate.
25-Quitting: Yep, Hogan thinks, it takes a special kind of man to stay in a dead-end job for so many years without giving up hope-and if the man in question were anyone other than Klink it might even inspire admiration instead of pity.
26-Jump: Klink jumps to attention as an imperious “Heil Hitler!” shakes him from his sleep, and glowers when he sees it’s only Hogan, laughing at him from across his desk.
27-Jester: Once in a while Hogan catches himself wondering if maybe some of Klink’s idiocy is an exaggeration, an act that both attracts and deflects attention, but the thought is so ludicrous he laughs it off.
28-Jousting: Normally Hogan is all for a little verbal sparring, though Klink isn’t much of a fencer-today, however, patience worn thin by too many sleepless nights, he just takes aim and charges.
29-Jewel: Hogan couldn’t be happier if Klink had given him a diamond ring-he’ll have to find a way to thank him for agreeing to the general’s plan to hide the new fighter at Stalag 13.
30-Just: “Major Hochstetter, need I remind you that not only is Colonel Hogan my prisoner, it’s against the Geneva Convention for a prisoner of war to be interrogated without the presence of the officer in charge?” Klink demands, trying to suppress the childish voice in his head shrilling, and it’s not fair!
31-Smirk: The louder Hochstetter shouts, the wider Hogan smirks, a trait which Klink finds both stupidly reckless and enviable and the same time.
32-Sorrow: “Colonel Hogan, don’t look so upset-my decision to have Colonel Crittendon transferred back to Stalag 13 should make things easier for you!”
33-Stupidity: Forgetting about the microphone and letting Klink kiss him in his office is, Hogan decides upon returning to the barracks and a handful of very confused men, not the brightest thing he’s ever done.
34-Serenade: Just because Hogan occasionally has sex with him doesn’t mean he has to listen to Klink’s god-awful violin solos, when there are so many better things they can do with the time.
35-Sarcasm: “No, Schultz, I think letting Colonel Hogan and his men go unsupervised into town is a wonderful idea; why don’t we open the gates and take the guards out of the tower while we’re at it?”
36-Sordid: Hogan’s had his share of questionable affairs, but this thing with the commandant, which all too frequently results in him screwing Klink against a wall, is far and away the most sordid and satisfying.
37-Soliloquoy: When Klink gets nervous or excited he babbles incessantly, but at least he doesn’t mind so much anymore when Hogan cuts him off.
38-Sojourn: “I’ve never been to England before,” Klink says, bouncing a little as he and Hogan walk down the busy London streets.
39-Share: Somehow Hogan always ends up with one of Klink’s cigars, even though Klink can never quite remember offering him any.
40-Solitary: It’s just not fair-if Hogan’s the one in solitary, why does Klink feel so alone?
41-Nowhere: Until Hogan asks him where he plans to go now that the military has been disbanded, Klink fails to realize that he has nowhere to go.
42-Neutral: If Klink doesn’t get off the fence soon he’ll be split in two, and Hogan has no intention of letting him fall on the other side.
43-Nuance: Klink suspects that Hogan’s eyes aren’t the windows to his soul at all-they’re mirrors for everyone else.
44-Near: If he didn’t do it to everyone else sometimes too, Kinch would think it’s a little strange how close Colonel Hogan stands to Klink.
45-Natural: Hogan is far less concerned that he’s in love with another man than the fact the man in question is Klink.
46-Horizon: It’s been far too many years since Klink’s had a bird’s eye view of the horizon-too bad Hogan pries his fingers off the side of the plane before he can really enjoy it.
47-Valiant: Klink makes a valiant effort, but Hogan really is irresistible when he wants something.
48-Virtuous: How Hogan manages to look so innocent while telling such outrageous lies Klink will never know.
49-Victory: Hogan tries, but it’s pretty damned hard to enjoy a victory celebration with Klink kneeling at gunpoint in the corner of the compound with Schultz and the other guards.
50-Defeat: Even though Germany lost the war, Klink finds it hard to feel defeated with Hogan’s legs wrapped around his waist.