I don't know what the point is anymore.
Last week I was desperate. I wasn't suicidal but I felt it coming on. Everything was building up, building up, and I knew if I didn't do anything it would reach the breaking point and I don't want to go there.
Not knowing who to talk to (partially because I never have before and partially because I just moved to this part of the country) I walked to the hospital. It is about halfway between my home and my city so time wise, it made sense. I told the receptionist that I wanted to talk to a doctor who could give me a referal to a therapist. She gave me a bracelet and directed me to the ER. I sat there a while (it's a quiet pleasant hospital, god bless small northern towns) and I saw a doctor who took my vitals. I told him what I want: a referal to a therapist for depression and anxiety related issues. He said ok, another doctor would see me, and sent me back into the waiting area. At last the final doctor comes along, and he tells me, he can't do anything. He doesn't know any psychologists (I want to do this without drugs if possible, no psychiatrists), he doesn't know where I could find one, and he can't help me unless I'm suicidal. He gave me a business card of a practice in town that MIGHT be accepting patients.
I wasted three friggen hours of my day to get a business card that might be a dead end?
My best friend used to talk to me about depression; he's been to University for psychology courses in the past... he used to try and help me make sense of the swirling in my brain, sort me out, hug me out of nowhere and generally be, you know, a friend.
He's been keeping to small talk lately, avoiding me if possible, and generally just bringing me down because I suddenly feel there's nobody here for me.
I do not ask for help. I can't. If I'm too weak to do this on my own, I don't deserve to be here. I try for self sufficiency where ever possible. That's why I've never gone to a doctor before. As long as I feel I belong, I can be stronger than I normally give myself credit for.
I have no belonging right now. Why should I bother seeking out a doctor? Why bother finding somebody who is being paid to validate my existence when the people closest to me won't bother?
I asked him if he was purposely trying to stay distant from it all. He said yes, out of fear that he couldn't help me. He said he didn't want to try, fail, and make me worse.
I'm not asking him to psychoanalyze me. I just want him to talk about more than his day at work and the cats. I want his oppinion, I want to be able to tell him what's wrong, I want somebody who KNOWS me to listen.
I want a friend, not a superficial acquaintance. It hurts like hell. And I only have one way left to release that hurt.
Partially x-posted to my personal journal and dnward_spiral.