(no subject)
i know
there's something beautiful within my grasp
and i know
i think i'm satisfied, but it won't last
and i know
to lace my boots up and pick my path
i'll find another rainstorm and fill my glass
this sobriety thing is meant mostly to clear my head of all the ugly shit that has been building up over the last...uh, 25 years. a whole lot of the bullshit is just residual anger about my childhood, and, despite my NOT wanting to look crazy, a possible chemical imbalance. some of it's more recent. some of it's going to be solved once i figure out how the fuck i'm going to accomplish the rest of my goals.
i've been happy lately - happier than i remember being in a LONG time. i'm single, sober, not getting laid, and totaly broke - i'm not emotionally distraught, i'm not irrational or sociopathic, and i'm quite a bit less annoying (at least i think so). i'm also bored out of my fucking skull, which may be why i'm having these fucking horrible nightmares again. i woke up screaming today...they're not nightmares with shadows clawing at me and spiders coming out of orifices, they're nightmares where everythign i want is in my grasp, i get denied all of it, and then it gets rubbed in my face that i can never reach it. it's been the same theme for at least a couple of years, and i'm getting throroughly tired of it. i'm hoping, though, that it's a good sign - that final withdrawals have started from some of the emotional addictions that i have/had, and once these signs dry up, hopefully it'll have worked itself out of my system.
another thing on my mind a lot lately has been, well, life. working 40 hours a day for the rest of my life is neither appealing nor going to help me accomplish what i want in life. a college degree won't help - although it and the work may tide me through accomplishing what i need to. it's really depressing to know that there's something so much bigger in the room next door, and i've got a keychain that has the keys, i just can't find the right ones.
bah. going home.
there's something beautiful within my grasp
and i know
i think i'm satisfied, but it won't last
and i know
to lace my boots up and pick my path
i'll find another rainstorm and fill my glass
this sobriety thing is meant mostly to clear my head of all the ugly shit that has been building up over the last...uh, 25 years. a whole lot of the bullshit is just residual anger about my childhood, and, despite my NOT wanting to look crazy, a possible chemical imbalance. some of it's more recent. some of it's going to be solved once i figure out how the fuck i'm going to accomplish the rest of my goals.
i've been happy lately - happier than i remember being in a LONG time. i'm single, sober, not getting laid, and totaly broke - i'm not emotionally distraught, i'm not irrational or sociopathic, and i'm quite a bit less annoying (at least i think so). i'm also bored out of my fucking skull, which may be why i'm having these fucking horrible nightmares again. i woke up screaming today...they're not nightmares with shadows clawing at me and spiders coming out of orifices, they're nightmares where everythign i want is in my grasp, i get denied all of it, and then it gets rubbed in my face that i can never reach it. it's been the same theme for at least a couple of years, and i'm getting throroughly tired of it. i'm hoping, though, that it's a good sign - that final withdrawals have started from some of the emotional addictions that i have/had, and once these signs dry up, hopefully it'll have worked itself out of my system.
another thing on my mind a lot lately has been, well, life. working 40 hours a day for the rest of my life is neither appealing nor going to help me accomplish what i want in life. a college degree won't help - although it and the work may tide me through accomplishing what i need to. it's really depressing to know that there's something so much bigger in the room next door, and i've got a keychain that has the keys, i just can't find the right ones.
bah. going home.