(no subject)
sometimes, i feel outclassed. i've lived with several alpha males in the past couple of...well, my whole life. my dad is a huge example of an alpha male, so i guess that counts. levi, crazy smart and arrogant about it, falls into the category, but he was a bit more passive than the others. darin, well, is darin. 2 crazy bitches, then i'm living with deuces.
it's really frustrating when people tell you that you're not doing enough around the house, that they take out the trash and they've cleaned so much more, etc etc, when you're the one who's being responsible, keeping a job down, and making sure bills get paid on time. i understand that i could probably do more around the house, and i realize i'm not a perfect human being. i make a lot of decisions based entirely on my own whim and they may not seem logical, but they're my preference. i don't feel that being constantly chastised for my 'inadequacies' and reasons for doing things my way is something i'm really prepared to deal with anymore. normally, if some guy wants to feel like he's in charge, i let him do his bitching, walk away, and do my own thing anyway. fighting with a guy like that is pointless - and i'll be damned if i'm going to follow someones arbitrary rules just ebcause it's what they want done. if i feel like it's something i really ought to be doing or that i'm not contributing enough to the situation, i'll gladly do what someone asks, but telling me to do shit has never really worked unless someone pays me or offers something in return. i guess i'm just stubborn.
anyway, i'm really fucking tired of people trying to make me feel bad for shit when they very obviously don't have their own shit together. i feel outclassed when i can't put that shit into words, or when the people guilty try to make ME feel like the dumb shit. it's enough to make me wish i was still fighting, and wasn't friends with some of these people. gah.
and about being average...
average is what people strive for, i've noticed. a lot of beautiful women want to be beautiful like all of the rest. men have generally average aspirations - wife, kids, house in the suburbs, well paying job...
i've never wanted to be average. i have a lot of average qualities, my share of sub par qualities, but i like to think i'm enough of an individual to stick out from the crowd. i know i have higher than average hopes for my future, and i know i keep above average people around me. i try to hold myself to a higher standard when it comes to morals. i don't know that i'll ever be such an exceptional person that i'm satisfied with myself, but i've never, since i can remember at 8 years old, been content with life. i'm always looking to improve on shit...but i don't know that i'm doing it destructively like a number of other who are constantly looking for perfection. i don't want perfection - i want exciting. i want...what i want. i've never really settled for more than a night - when i want something, i know i want it, and i usually can't explain it. i don't really feel the need to explain it, either, not even to myself.
i fuckin' like what i like, and i'm fuckin' sick of catching shit for it, i guess. i'm sick of feeling like i'm sub standard. and i'm really, really tired of not having enough motivation to DO shit about it.