(no subject)
yes, yes, long time since i posted. you should be used to this by now.
met a girl. liked her. began dating. things were going well, and then i began to realize how uncomfortable i am trying to pretend that i'm ready to be responsible for anyone elses happiness when i'm just figuring out my own. still terrible at that whole no thing, let it go on coz i like to be patient. realized exactly how much i hate my job, and decided on joining the navy after much deliberation. my life 1, relationship 0. she's mad, and i get it. i acted the same way a few years ago. didn't realize i'd meant that much to her, but i'm doing what i can to mitigate the damage; namely, not speaking to her until her public freakout stops and she's had time to focus on rebuilding her own life. i told you guys that i put myself through shit for a reason beyond jealousy and an inability to let go of dead hope.
been a long, strange couple of years, as per the usual. the "not so fun house' as it was dubbed by danni, ended up being a worse disaster than initial estimates. i'm now short $1500 because i trusted punks to live up to their responsibilities. one i can't get ahold of, and one has told me blatantly that he will not pay me as promised. unfortunately, violence will not solve anything and will only serve to fuck my future up, and the legal system will give me no recourse either. i could publicly bash the guy, but that will only serve to make me look like a bitter fuck and possibly result in violence from his end, which i care about far less than making an even bigger ass of myself.
i've been a bad friend to most people for a while now. trying to keep finances together and figure my own shit out while dealing with the standard distractions has left me without the will or means to visit as often as i used to. the relationship killed a lot of my free time, and that has continued while i try to get my life in proper order to join the military. i miss everyone and am genuinely sad that i no longer have the stamina to ignore my better judgment and spend all my time having fun. i don't miss bars, and i don't necessarily miss the horrible shit i used to do to the unsuspecting victims i found in them, but i do miss my friends a great deal and suppose that will continue for some time.
i'm still fucking terrible at keeping my room clean. i still can't cook. i still can't speak another language.
for all the self-improvement that i feel i've been doing, i sure see a noticeable lack in achievement. i guess that's to be expected in an economy like this when you're used to the life i've been living, but it still doesn't make me feel good.
i made a friend mad the other day that i'm not sure i've ever upset before, all because i was in the middle of some r&r and had forgotten key details of pre-planned activities. i'm sorry for it, but i don't necessarily feel too bad either. acting on my own behalf is coming easier to me, and the concept of no is becoming more familiar.
and no, i'm not depressed. i'm quite happy with things, actually. i just wanted to write and let everyone know that i'm ok, and provide those who're interested with am update on life.