you keep reminding me why I'm here in the first place : )monkeymagnetsJuly 8 2006, 21:07:58 UTC
"my words are weightless at this distance" I am so sorry. I've just never been very good at turning off the soundtrack in my head. I have to wait till the message changes on its own, and try not to listen too closely in the meantime.
I like the line about distance very much - it especially sums it all up, though since you mention "miles" before it, and distance is established for the reader, you could also say "my words are weightless from here." (Alternately, you have the forced rhyme as it stands, which would be better for lyrics.) I think "people are living" or "people live" would be a stronger word choice, but I understand why you chose "still" to convey "regardless of my situation here." I'd take out "we carry," and I'd put "regardless" on a line of it's own. Just some thoughts... hope you don't mind feedback! I love your writing, you know.
(Send me a letter and in it tell me about ribbons & alien abduction - it was mentioned at dinner last week sans elaboration and I'm CURIOUS : P)
Re: you keep reminding me why I'm here in the first place : )monkeymagnetsJuly 12 2006, 20:23:00 UTC
oh my god.. [info]paled 2006-07-10 08:55 pm you critiqued his poem!!!! couldn't help yourself, eh?
Re: oh my god.. [info]monkeymagnets 2006-07-11 11:23 am I'm like a crack addict when to comes to editing - I can't stop myself!! (Somewhere deep inside I think I must fancy myself a Mr. Harrison - lol)
Comments 2
I am so sorry.
I've just never been very good at turning off the soundtrack in my head.
I have to wait till the message changes on its own, and try not to listen too closely in the meantime.
I like the line about distance very much - it especially sums it all up, though since you mention "miles" before it, and distance is established for the reader, you could also say "my words are weightless from here." (Alternately, you have the forced rhyme as it stands, which would be better for lyrics.) I think "people are living" or "people live" would be a stronger word choice, but I understand why you chose "still" to convey "regardless of my situation here." I'd take out "we carry," and I'd put "regardless" on a line of it's own. Just some thoughts... hope you don't mind feedback! I love your writing, you know.
(Send me a letter and in it tell me about ribbons & alien abduction - it was mentioned at dinner last week sans elaboration and I'm CURIOUS : P)
Reply
[info]paled
2006-07-10 08:55 pm
you critiqued his poem!!!!
couldn't help yourself, eh?
Re: oh my god..
[info]monkeymagnets
2006-07-11 11:23 am
I'm like a crack addict when to comes to editing - I can't stop myself!!
(Somewhere deep inside I think I must fancy myself a Mr. Harrison - lol)
Reply
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