“Some Zombie Contingency Plan”
An article from the newest Jest[1] has me thinking that, except for the fact that fewer hot people want to play them, Zombies may be the new Pirates. For one thing, I’ve started inadvertently bringing them up in conversation:
Matt H.: you should work less
Matt H.: i mean, unless it makes you happy, which it seems to
TooMchExposition: Heh. Well, "work" at the moment is obsessing over dumb social issues
TooMchExposition: And then maybe finishing a livejournal entry.
TooMchExposition: And then some MoCCA stuff.
TooMchExposition: So I am far from a martyr.
Matt H.: a martyr on the cross of leisure time well spent
Matt H.: someone has to keep busy for the rest of us, i suppose
TooMchExposition: Just because I enjoy being nuts doesn't make it right for everyone
Matt H.: that's moral relativism and i'm not going to take it.
TooMchExposition: Besides, you have your trivia night, of which I am envious.
Matt H.: yeah
Matt H.: there are a number of paths to the good life
TooMchExposition: Yes. Me, I am on the path to being old and crazy with a bunch of cats.
TooMchExposition: Rats. Whatever.
Matt H.: eh
Matt H.: some day
Matt H.: we'll all be old and crazy
Matt H.: 150, maybe, who knows
Matt H.: and just think of the cats
Matt H.: 30 year old cats!
Matt H.: 30 years between cats if you don't want to increase the number you own
Matt H.: hard not to be surrounded by cats in a world like that
TooMchExposition: Wait. I am confused. If I am 150, and I have 30 year old cats with a 30 year hiatus between... then I would only ever have 2 1/3 cats.
TooMchExposition: Or, I guess you round up in this case. So, three.
Matt H.: but
Matt H.: who can go 30 years without a kitten?
Matt H.: so you'll wind up getting more than one cat every 30 years, like most people
Matt H.: hmm
TooMchExposition: Oh, I see.
Matt H.: i guess it's just a pipeline though
Matt H.: i was hoping the number would keep increasing
[TooMchExposition: That is almost too precious, though.
Matt H.: what, a kitten pipeline?
TooMchExposition: Which is why I keep the alternate possibility of rats in mind.]
TooMchExposition: Well, I imagine, unless you're very careful about sexing, that it would.
Matt H.: haha
Matt H.: i suppose so
Matt H.: 30 years * 2 cats > 2 cats
TooMchExposition: Heh. So, the author I'm working with is, like, a recovering goth with a really popular livejournal. So, like, half the time she posts about Dawn of the Dead and Anne Rice, and the other half she posts pictures of kittens.
TooMchExposition: If I could raise the dead, I would give her a zombie kitten.
Matt H.: that's the cutest use for the power to raise the dead i've ever heard
Upon idly Googling the subject line of this post, which is the title of a brilliant Kelly Link story (is there any other kind?), I turned up this recent interview. It closes:
Gwenda Bond: So, what’s your zombie contingency plan?
Kelly Link: In all situations, I like to ask myself: What would Jackie Chan do? Not because I have any sort of Jackie Chan skills, but because it's soothing to contemplate an imaginary Jackie Chan in imaginary action, kicking imaginary ass, zombie or otherwise. More usefully, what Jackie Chan does is improvise, using objects at hand. So we have a pantry with a lot of different kinds of jam, and some Lyle's Golden Syrup, as well as a lot of heavy, tall bookshelves, and several interesting fireworks, such as The Titanic, and The Naughty Elephant. There's also a lawnmower in the garage, and I've seen Peter Jackson's Dead Alive at least five or six times.
So although I'm not wedded to any kind of plan, I'm prepared to improvise ferociously. I could have a lot of fun with one of those large inflatable balls that Jackie Chan rolls over the cliff in, in Operation Condor. There's also the old barricading-yourself-into-a-shopping-mall-or-a-public-library-or-a-cruise-ship.
Gwenda: Good answer. How do we defeat George Bush?
Kelly: These two questions seem related, and yet I have no George Bush contingency plan.
Jam, huh? I never would have thought of that.
[1] Yo, Jef: I think you’d like this. E-mail me your snail mail address and I’ll send you a copy, if I can find an extra one.