Stay, Part Three (Supernatural, Sam/Dean, #17 - pins and needles)
Title: Stay, Part Three
Author/Artist: my_sam_dean
Pairing: Sam/Dean, Sam/Jess
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: NC-17
Theme: #17 - pins and needles
Disclaimer: I own nothing Supernatural. Warnings: slash, incest, het
When Sam's phone rang a week or so later, Dean didn't have any foreboding about it. Bobby had been calling to check in frequently since they'd left and Rufus was calling with numbers of hunters they should keep in touch with. Everyone still had their eyes open for John but hadn't run into him or any of his work.
Dean kept cleaning the guns, not even listening to what was being said because Sam would give him the gist of it when he hung up. The practiced motions of caring for their weapons was relaxing to him.
"Dean."
Sam had a look on his face that Dean didn't want to recognize or even acknowledge. So, he kept looking at what his hands were doing.
"I need to go," was all Dean heard before he tuned Sam out. He nodded in what he thought were the right places. He was numb as Sam packed, hugged him and left.
There was probably a good reason for Sam to leave, but Dean had been too upset to hear it. After all, the reason behind it didn't change the fact that Sam had left him behind again. Nothing was going to change the ache in his chest that was worse than any broken rib.
***
It took some time for Dean to figure out why he hurt so bad. Then, he took a moment to write a letter to Sam, hoping his words were clear enough to get his thoughts across.
Dear Sam,
I know you think you had a valid reason to leave. You probably did, I just didn't hear anything you said after you announced your departure.
Alone in the motel room, I did lots of thinking. I love you. We both know that. We also know that it is something that will never change. But, there are limits to what I'll endure for the sake of that emotion.
As long as you have ties back at Stanford, mainly Jessica, I will never have all of you. Part of you will be wondering what life is like where she is instead of enjoying life here with me. When I love someone and give them all of me, I expect all of them in return. I didn't get that from you and doubt I ever will. It doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that I can't keep going in circles when it kills a part of me every time to run to her side.
Go back to school. It's nice, safe, and you have plenty of friends there to help you out.
If you think you need to keep hunting, spend some time at Bobby's first and don't ever go on a hunt without backup. Bobby's a good one to have your back.
Don't try to find me. It will only end in frustration for you.
Don't bother asking Bobby where I am. He doesn't know and neither does anyone else. I've changed my cell number and need to be left alone.
Maybe one day I'll come find you, but I can't guarantee that. I have to keep myself from getting crushed by you again. You may not notice that you do that, but you do.
I'll still be looking for Dad. He'll contact you or Bobby when he can't get ahold of me if I don't find him first. He can't say anything about me hunting solo since he left me to do exactly that after you had left for college.
Remember what I taught you and learn from my mistakes.
Dean
***
Sam tried calling Dean and got the message that the number was disconnected. Bobby was his next call.
"He ain't here, Sam."
"Do you know where he is?"
"Nope. He doesn't want to be found."
"How do you know?"
"He paid me a short visit. Told me he was cutting ties and going solo. I was going to ask what had happened, but he just shoved a letter for you into my hands and left."
"A letter? A letter for me?"
"Yep."
"What does it say?"
"You think I'm gonna go poking around in whatever mess you two have created? You can read it yourself. Now, are you at Stanford or on the road?"
"Stanford."
"Do ya plan on staying there?"
"I don't know."
"Well, are you gonna hunt?"
Silence.
"I don't know what happened and I don't need to. But, if you're back at school, that means you left Dean behind again. That boy can only take so much and you crossed that line."
"But I didn't mean to-"
"I'm sure you didn't. But the fact remains that you did. Looks like you have some big decisions to make. Let me know if you'll be coming for a visit or if I should mail this to you. Either way, keep in touch. I'll hunt you down if you don't."
"Sure, Bobby. Thanks."
"No problem, kid."
Sam closed his phone. He stood up when they reached the bus stop at the hospital. He turned his phone off before getting the okay to visit Jess in ICU. He sat in the torturous plastic chair beside her bed and held her hand.
"Sam?" Her voice was so quiet. "Sam, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," he lied and wiped away a tear that had slipped out. "Nothing. Just glad you're doing better today."
Jess smiled. "I'm going to be okay. It will just take a long, long time."
"I know," he gave her a smile. Her eyes fluttered shut. He kissed her forehead and sat back down. He spent the next hours looking at her body that was damaged by a car accident and wondering where to go from there.
***
Another fugly creature killed, Dean felt good as he entered the bar in a one horse town. Ladies were attracted to his sorrow for some reason. It was like they needed to fix him when he didn't want to be fixed. He was okay in his misery because he knew it could be worse.
Being in love with someone you can't have is easier to do when you don't see them everyday.
***
Sam got the mail and sat down before he opened the envelope that Bobby had forwarded to him. He carefully opened it and pulled out the folded pages inside.
"Is that Dean's letter?" Jessica asked when she looked up from her book.
Nodding, Sam found that he didn't have the heart to actually unfold the papers and read them. He could feel enough heartache radiating off them and it would only get worse when he saw the words. He slid the paper back into the envelope.
"I think I'll read this later." He stood and put the letter on the top of the fridge.
Jess eyed him strangely as he walked away to their room. Sam had been acting weird since he came back from his trip with Dean. He wouldn't tell her what had happened, and, although that wasn't a new thing with Sam, it was frustrating.
When she'd been in the accident, Sam was her emergency contact. She didn't know who called him, probably some nurse. He was the first thing she saw when she finally opened her eyes. Even though her whole body throbbed, she knew right then that she was going to make it through. Sam had always been her rock and with him by her side, she could do damn near anything.
***
Many years later, after Sam and Jess had graduated, married and started a family, a newspaper article caught Dean's eye.
A body had been discovered in an isolated part of woods in the midwest. There were several sets of ID in the man's wallet, so the authorities didn't know who he was. There was mention of his vehicle, a black truck, and the arsenal kept therein. From the state of the body, it had been there for years, probably since John had first gone missing all those years ago.
Dean closed and refolded the paper. He'd later tear the article out and mail it to Bobby just to make sure that his dad's remains were taken care of properly.
The search that had started the whole mess with him and Sam was finally over. It was time to start a new chapter in his life, even though he'd remain a hunter.
"Need a refill, sweetie?" the waitress cracked her gum and eyed him like he was on the menu.
"Sure. Thanks." He gave her playful smirk. "Just curious, when does your shift end?"
"I've got three hours left but only ten minutes until I get my break."
"Great," Dean paused to read the nametag on her low-cut blouse, "Katie. So, I'll see you in ten?"
"You bet." She had an extra bounce to her step and swing to her hips was she walked away.
Chuckling at how easy it was to fall back into his pattern of flirting and having it pay off in the end, he sipped his coffee and waited for his friendly server to spend some quality time with him.
***
"Hello?" Sam juggled the phone to his ear as he grabbed his son from climbing on the counter.
"Sam? It's Bobby."
"Hey. What's up?" The baby was crying in the background and Jess was trying to make her stop but sometimes she just had to cry herself out.
"This an okay time for you?"
"Yeah, yeah. Little munchkins are just a little wound up."
"Okay. I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm just going to spit it out. They found your dad."
Those were words Sam had given up on hearing. He sat down on the kitchen floor when his legs felt wobbly.
"Where? How is he?"
"They found his body, Sam. Looks like he's been there since before we started looking for him."
"So he was dead all this time?"
"Yep. Look, they need next of kin to claim the body and Dean's still unreachable. Do you think you could--"
"Yeah. I'll go ID him. Are you going to help me with him?" Sam's eyes began to water.
"Of course. We'll do it here at my place. He'll get a proper send off."
"Okay," Sam choked out the words. "Can I call you back?"
"Sure. And Sam? I'm sorry."
"Thanks, Bobby."
***
The smoke curled into the air as the human known as John Winchester ceased to exist. His spirit had left long ago.
Bobby and Sam watched until the fire burned out. They buried the ashes the next morning.
"Want to come to California with me?" Sam asked as he toyed with his breakfast. "Meet my family?"
"Sure." Bobby didn't know where the question was coming from but he would like to see the people Sam talked about all the time.
"It's just . . . Dad's dead. Dean's gone. He's never coming back, I know that now. And I thought that maybe--"
"We've always been family, Sam. I'd love to go visit. Anything I should know ahead of time?"
Sam laughed. "Mary's cutting teeth and keeping us up. Dean is a climber and has to be watched every second. Jess can't bake anything but chocolate chip cookies so I do the cooking."
"That outta be fun to see."
Before long, Bobby met the small family and had earned the name of Grandpa. The little boy named Dean, sometimes he gave Bobby shivers with how much like his uncle he was. He might never meet his Uncle Dean, but he was his living carbon copy. Bobby figured he'd better stick around and help Jess and Sam with him since he'd already helped raise the first Dean. Otherwise, Jess and Sam didn't have a prayer keeping their sanity through this Dean's rebellious years, which were age five and up if his uncle was anything to go by.
***
Sometimes, late at night with Jessica asleep beside him, Sam longed for the brother that had been gone for many years. He'd had a happy life, wonderful wife and great kids. Still, he missed the first strong bond he'd ever made. Dean severed what held Sam's world together when he left. Sam had been doubting every move he made since then. Sure, he'd fumbled his way through, but his sense of direction was gone.
So many little details would have changed the outcome of his life. If Jess hadn't been on the road when the accident happened, if Dad hadn't disappeared when he did and if Dean had been able to find Dad on his own. He could have been with Dean forever or never known his touch.
In the end, he was grateful for the time he had with Dean. Even if he remembered it with tears in his eyes.
Author/Artist: my_sam_dean
Pairing: Sam/Dean, Sam/Jess
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: NC-17
Theme: #17 - pins and needles
Disclaimer: I own nothing Supernatural. Warnings: slash, incest, het
When Sam's phone rang a week or so later, Dean didn't have any foreboding about it. Bobby had been calling to check in frequently since they'd left and Rufus was calling with numbers of hunters they should keep in touch with. Everyone still had their eyes open for John but hadn't run into him or any of his work.
Dean kept cleaning the guns, not even listening to what was being said because Sam would give him the gist of it when he hung up. The practiced motions of caring for their weapons was relaxing to him.
"Dean."
Sam had a look on his face that Dean didn't want to recognize or even acknowledge. So, he kept looking at what his hands were doing.
"I need to go," was all Dean heard before he tuned Sam out. He nodded in what he thought were the right places. He was numb as Sam packed, hugged him and left.
There was probably a good reason for Sam to leave, but Dean had been too upset to hear it. After all, the reason behind it didn't change the fact that Sam had left him behind again. Nothing was going to change the ache in his chest that was worse than any broken rib.
***
It took some time for Dean to figure out why he hurt so bad. Then, he took a moment to write a letter to Sam, hoping his words were clear enough to get his thoughts across.
Dear Sam,
I know you think you had a valid reason to leave. You probably did, I just didn't hear anything you said after you announced your departure.
Alone in the motel room, I did lots of thinking. I love you. We both know that. We also know that it is something that will never change. But, there are limits to what I'll endure for the sake of that emotion.
As long as you have ties back at Stanford, mainly Jessica, I will never have all of you. Part of you will be wondering what life is like where she is instead of enjoying life here with me. When I love someone and give them all of me, I expect all of them in return. I didn't get that from you and doubt I ever will. It doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that I can't keep going in circles when it kills a part of me every time to run to her side.
Go back to school. It's nice, safe, and you have plenty of friends there to help you out.
If you think you need to keep hunting, spend some time at Bobby's first and don't ever go on a hunt without backup. Bobby's a good one to have your back.
Don't try to find me. It will only end in frustration for you.
Don't bother asking Bobby where I am. He doesn't know and neither does anyone else. I've changed my cell number and need to be left alone.
Maybe one day I'll come find you, but I can't guarantee that. I have to keep myself from getting crushed by you again. You may not notice that you do that, but you do.
I'll still be looking for Dad. He'll contact you or Bobby when he can't get ahold of me if I don't find him first. He can't say anything about me hunting solo since he left me to do exactly that after you had left for college.
Remember what I taught you and learn from my mistakes.
Dean
***
Sam tried calling Dean and got the message that the number was disconnected. Bobby was his next call.
"He ain't here, Sam."
"Do you know where he is?"
"Nope. He doesn't want to be found."
"How do you know?"
"He paid me a short visit. Told me he was cutting ties and going solo. I was going to ask what had happened, but he just shoved a letter for you into my hands and left."
"A letter? A letter for me?"
"Yep."
"What does it say?"
"You think I'm gonna go poking around in whatever mess you two have created? You can read it yourself. Now, are you at Stanford or on the road?"
"Stanford."
"Do ya plan on staying there?"
"I don't know."
"Well, are you gonna hunt?"
Silence.
"I don't know what happened and I don't need to. But, if you're back at school, that means you left Dean behind again. That boy can only take so much and you crossed that line."
"But I didn't mean to-"
"I'm sure you didn't. But the fact remains that you did. Looks like you have some big decisions to make. Let me know if you'll be coming for a visit or if I should mail this to you. Either way, keep in touch. I'll hunt you down if you don't."
"Sure, Bobby. Thanks."
"No problem, kid."
Sam closed his phone. He stood up when they reached the bus stop at the hospital. He turned his phone off before getting the okay to visit Jess in ICU. He sat in the torturous plastic chair beside her bed and held her hand.
"Sam?" Her voice was so quiet. "Sam, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," he lied and wiped away a tear that had slipped out. "Nothing. Just glad you're doing better today."
Jess smiled. "I'm going to be okay. It will just take a long, long time."
"I know," he gave her a smile. Her eyes fluttered shut. He kissed her forehead and sat back down. He spent the next hours looking at her body that was damaged by a car accident and wondering where to go from there.
***
Another fugly creature killed, Dean felt good as he entered the bar in a one horse town. Ladies were attracted to his sorrow for some reason. It was like they needed to fix him when he didn't want to be fixed. He was okay in his misery because he knew it could be worse.
Being in love with someone you can't have is easier to do when you don't see them everyday.
***
Sam got the mail and sat down before he opened the envelope that Bobby had forwarded to him. He carefully opened it and pulled out the folded pages inside.
"Is that Dean's letter?" Jessica asked when she looked up from her book.
Nodding, Sam found that he didn't have the heart to actually unfold the papers and read them. He could feel enough heartache radiating off them and it would only get worse when he saw the words. He slid the paper back into the envelope.
"I think I'll read this later." He stood and put the letter on the top of the fridge.
Jess eyed him strangely as he walked away to their room. Sam had been acting weird since he came back from his trip with Dean. He wouldn't tell her what had happened, and, although that wasn't a new thing with Sam, it was frustrating.
When she'd been in the accident, Sam was her emergency contact. She didn't know who called him, probably some nurse. He was the first thing she saw when she finally opened her eyes. Even though her whole body throbbed, she knew right then that she was going to make it through. Sam had always been her rock and with him by her side, she could do damn near anything.
***
Many years later, after Sam and Jess had graduated, married and started a family, a newspaper article caught Dean's eye.
A body had been discovered in an isolated part of woods in the midwest. There were several sets of ID in the man's wallet, so the authorities didn't know who he was. There was mention of his vehicle, a black truck, and the arsenal kept therein. From the state of the body, it had been there for years, probably since John had first gone missing all those years ago.
Dean closed and refolded the paper. He'd later tear the article out and mail it to Bobby just to make sure that his dad's remains were taken care of properly.
The search that had started the whole mess with him and Sam was finally over. It was time to start a new chapter in his life, even though he'd remain a hunter.
"Need a refill, sweetie?" the waitress cracked her gum and eyed him like he was on the menu.
"Sure. Thanks." He gave her playful smirk. "Just curious, when does your shift end?"
"I've got three hours left but only ten minutes until I get my break."
"Great," Dean paused to read the nametag on her low-cut blouse, "Katie. So, I'll see you in ten?"
"You bet." She had an extra bounce to her step and swing to her hips was she walked away.
Chuckling at how easy it was to fall back into his pattern of flirting and having it pay off in the end, he sipped his coffee and waited for his friendly server to spend some quality time with him.
***
"Hello?" Sam juggled the phone to his ear as he grabbed his son from climbing on the counter.
"Sam? It's Bobby."
"Hey. What's up?" The baby was crying in the background and Jess was trying to make her stop but sometimes she just had to cry herself out.
"This an okay time for you?"
"Yeah, yeah. Little munchkins are just a little wound up."
"Okay. I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm just going to spit it out. They found your dad."
Those were words Sam had given up on hearing. He sat down on the kitchen floor when his legs felt wobbly.
"Where? How is he?"
"They found his body, Sam. Looks like he's been there since before we started looking for him."
"So he was dead all this time?"
"Yep. Look, they need next of kin to claim the body and Dean's still unreachable. Do you think you could--"
"Yeah. I'll go ID him. Are you going to help me with him?" Sam's eyes began to water.
"Of course. We'll do it here at my place. He'll get a proper send off."
"Okay," Sam choked out the words. "Can I call you back?"
"Sure. And Sam? I'm sorry."
"Thanks, Bobby."
***
The smoke curled into the air as the human known as John Winchester ceased to exist. His spirit had left long ago.
Bobby and Sam watched until the fire burned out. They buried the ashes the next morning.
"Want to come to California with me?" Sam asked as he toyed with his breakfast. "Meet my family?"
"Sure." Bobby didn't know where the question was coming from but he would like to see the people Sam talked about all the time.
"It's just . . . Dad's dead. Dean's gone. He's never coming back, I know that now. And I thought that maybe--"
"We've always been family, Sam. I'd love to go visit. Anything I should know ahead of time?"
Sam laughed. "Mary's cutting teeth and keeping us up. Dean is a climber and has to be watched every second. Jess can't bake anything but chocolate chip cookies so I do the cooking."
"That outta be fun to see."
Before long, Bobby met the small family and had earned the name of Grandpa. The little boy named Dean, sometimes he gave Bobby shivers with how much like his uncle he was. He might never meet his Uncle Dean, but he was his living carbon copy. Bobby figured he'd better stick around and help Jess and Sam with him since he'd already helped raise the first Dean. Otherwise, Jess and Sam didn't have a prayer keeping their sanity through this Dean's rebellious years, which were age five and up if his uncle was anything to go by.
***
Sometimes, late at night with Jessica asleep beside him, Sam longed for the brother that had been gone for many years. He'd had a happy life, wonderful wife and great kids. Still, he missed the first strong bond he'd ever made. Dean severed what held Sam's world together when he left. Sam had been doubting every move he made since then. Sure, he'd fumbled his way through, but his sense of direction was gone.
So many little details would have changed the outcome of his life. If Jess hadn't been on the road when the accident happened, if Dad hadn't disappeared when he did and if Dean had been able to find Dad on his own. He could have been with Dean forever or never known his touch.
In the end, he was grateful for the time he had with Dean. Even if he remembered it with tears in his eyes.