Destiny (Hikaru no Go, Touya Akira/Shindou Hikaru, #26)
Even today, Shindou aggravates me. He makes me angry in a
way no one else can. I have the ability to remain calm and cool in the tensest
of situations, and yet, five minutes in his presence is usually all it takes
for him to blow my last fuse to smithereens. Every emotion I am capable of
feeling seems to be tripled in size and intensity whenever I’m with him. Colors
are sharper, sounds are clearer, touch is magnified. I gave up so much to chase
him. I gave up my pride in the Kaiou Go Club, I gave up respect in the Go community
by being known as the rival of a second-class Insei, and I gave up whatever
shred of dignity I had by chasing him through the streets of Tokyo when he
refused to play Go again.
But a loss against Shindou Hikaru is more exhilarating and more awe-inspiring than winning a title match, and for that, I love him.
For a long time, that love was enough to give my life more meaning and more intense pleasure than my other three loves combined. But in the last few days, ever since my first clumsy kiss was met with shock and surprise, I came to realize that I want more.
It’s not enough that I love him. I want him to love me in return.
And once again, I feel as though I’m at a crossroads. He hasn’t spoken to me since my failed attempt at intimacy, but every time I see him across a room, his face turns as red as a ripe tomato and he quickly turns away, and I can’t help but smile in satisfaction. If he truly hated me for it, he would have had no problem with shouting the fact at the top of his lungs, probably in some extremely public and extremely embarrassing place. After all, it’s not like arguing has ever been a problem for us.
For right now, I am content to wait. He can’t stay away from me for long. Our games are like life’s blood for me, and I know it’s the same for him. He needs his games against me like he needs oxygen, and sooner or later, when he’s on his last breath, he’ll come back to me, and I’ll breathe that life back into him. It’ll happen. I know it.
I love my mother, because she has always put my happiness before her own. I love my father, because he showed me what it meant to have a true passion in life. I love Go, because nothing in the world can compare to something that shrinks the universe down and allows you to rearrange it to your heart’s content. And I love Shindou Hikaru, because when none of my other loves meant a damn to me, he gave me a new reason to believe in the beauty of life.
My parents were mine by right of birth. Go was mine by right of hard work, practice, and sheer determination. Shindou…Hikaru…will be mine by right of destiny.
Just wait and see.
-Owari-
But a loss against Shindou Hikaru is more exhilarating and more awe-inspiring than winning a title match, and for that, I love him.
For a long time, that love was enough to give my life more meaning and more intense pleasure than my other three loves combined. But in the last few days, ever since my first clumsy kiss was met with shock and surprise, I came to realize that I want more.
It’s not enough that I love him. I want him to love me in return.
And once again, I feel as though I’m at a crossroads. He hasn’t spoken to me since my failed attempt at intimacy, but every time I see him across a room, his face turns as red as a ripe tomato and he quickly turns away, and I can’t help but smile in satisfaction. If he truly hated me for it, he would have had no problem with shouting the fact at the top of his lungs, probably in some extremely public and extremely embarrassing place. After all, it’s not like arguing has ever been a problem for us.
For right now, I am content to wait. He can’t stay away from me for long. Our games are like life’s blood for me, and I know it’s the same for him. He needs his games against me like he needs oxygen, and sooner or later, when he’s on his last breath, he’ll come back to me, and I’ll breathe that life back into him. It’ll happen. I know it.
I love my mother, because she has always put my happiness before her own. I love my father, because he showed me what it meant to have a true passion in life. I love Go, because nothing in the world can compare to something that shrinks the universe down and allows you to rearrange it to your heart’s content. And I love Shindou Hikaru, because when none of my other loves meant a damn to me, he gave me a new reason to believe in the beauty of life.
My parents were mine by right of birth. Go was mine by right of hard work, practice, and sheer determination. Shindou…Hikaru…will be mine by right of destiny.
Just wait and see.
-Owari-