The Twelth Story: Cat 101
Title: Cat 101
Word Count: 551
Prompt: My cats. Imagine the teacher with a soft, almost british voice, and the student with the voice of a brassy old lady with no hearing aid.
“Are you sitting comfortably? Good, then we’ll begin. Now, I think you know why you’re here, you need the secret answer.”
“The secret answer? What’s this crap! You told me you could get my family to pay more attention to me!”
“Oh, I can. I most certainly can. But if you’re going to succeed in this course you must commit yourself wholeheartedly to my teachings, do you think you can do that?”
“Well sure! I’m old, not stupid!”
“Good. Then we shall start with the first tenet.”
“The first tenet?”
“That’s right. The secret answer to happiness has three main tenets. Stick to the tenets and I promise you will not be disappointed.”
“Well alright then! What’s this first tenny-whatsit?”
“The first tenet, and the most important, is to maintain an air of aloof superiority at all times. Now, when you want your family’s attention, what do you do?”
“Well, I wander the halls crying and wailing like someone stuck me in a blender, than I climb into their laps and stick my stinky nose in their faces!”
“Alright, well, I think I see what your problem is. The key to training your family is to parcel out your affection in small doses. Leave them literally begging for more. Let them pet you, but only for small periods of time, and only when you want it, never when they do. Be sparing with you love, let them work for it. In short, stick to the first tenet. If you remain aloof and superior most of the time then when you do allow them to fawn over you they will be so grateful that they will allow you to do anything you want.”
“Even sit on the shelf?”
“Even sit on the shelf.”
“Wow! Those tenny-whatsit sound pretty good! So what’s this second dohickey?”
“The second tenet is this. Let your voice be pleasing and endearing at all times. If your voice is small and cute they will be able to refuse you nothing!”
“Well, what about my voice? Is it small and cute?”
“Right now you sound like an aging mastodon trumpeting its pain to the herd of angry Neanderthals who have just stuck several spears in you.”
“So no?”
“No.”
“So what’da I do? I’ve always talked like this!”
“Instead of howling all the time, why don’t you try a pleasing little mew? If you sound like a helpless child you are much more likely to get their affection.”
“LIKE THIS?”
“Um, no. Not exactly what I had in mind...”
“HOW ABOUT THIS THEN!”
“Why don’t we, uh, move on to the third tenet”
“You got it!”
“The third and final tenet is this: Always let your family know whose boss. If you are in the middle of something, sit in it. If they are eating something, steal a bite. If you have adhered to the first two tenets they will be so happy to see you that you can get away with anything.”
“Wow! Thanks Teach, you’re pretty smart!”
“Why thank you.”
“Well, I’m off!”
“Wait a minute, just where are you going?”
“I’m going to go wander my house aimlessly howling like someone is torturing me, then climb up as many humans as I can while demanding their undying affection. See ya!”
“Some cats never learn.”