My first fic...

[381newmessages]

Hulloooo y'all

Comments

[shag_me_draco]

its not bad hon.
i'd say take out the repetitive stuff
Hermione came down the row, smiling from under her straw hat. Lips stained red and a blush on her cheeks, she looked positively gorgeous.

“You look positively plebian.”

and
Fine. Let them pick their stupid berries. But he wasn’t going to be happy about it.

He even said as much.

“Fine. Let them pick their stupid berries. But I’m not going to be happy about it”

also, this doesnt make much sense to me, but it might just be me
Although he should have been trying to convince her to give up her crazed notions, or, when that didn’t succeed, which it never did, fearing for his sanity, years of being married to the witch in front of him had dulled his reactions of trying to apparate far, far away whenever Hermione came up with a new hobby.
it kind of runs on...

but its a cute lil fic

[381newmessages]

Thanks hon! Both for the constructive crit and the encouragement. You're right about the run-on sentence; it didnt even make sense to me when I wrote it. As for the repetitiveness, it was supposed to be funny, but I guess it didnt come across like that. Oh well.
Thank you for writing this all down; being told what can be improved and how is exactly what I need.
I'm off to bed right now *am exhausted*, but I'll show you the changes I make tomorrow...
Nite,
Kara

[shag_me_draco]

i can see how it could be funny, but its almost the exact same thing written twice you know? you can just leave it at 'he said as much' and i think it would be fine.

glad you are writing!

[381newmessages]

Yargh! I wish I was writing...well I am, but a stupid essay for stupid class...and I don't wanna!

Sorry for the rant, but thanks for the support! Lol, I see what you were saying though!

Thanks hon,
Kara

[reetinkerbell]

I like it. I agree with shag_me_draco on what she's mentioned, and would like to add that you should probably run through the story once more before posting it elsewhere, just to make sure that you don't miss the punctuation. Which you have on a few places, with the dialogue. It's not much, but since I think you can take it - and hell, I forget that sometimes too - I figured why not help a little?

I think it's cute, the story. You should def. post it elsewhere, if you haven't already. Poor Draco. :P

[381newmessages]

Lol, thanks hon, and yea I can definately take it! I totally didn't notice...but now that I have, I'll make the punctuation changes.
I put it up on CV and on the DracoXHermione group on LJ...where else do you recommend?

Thanks for the encouragement!
Kara

[reetinkerbell]

I haven't written D/Hr in so long. :P Have you posted a link from dramione?

your first fic

[coonassblondie]

I like it! I giggled a few times, so you've got the humor part, although I suggest instead of typing the exact same expression over again, find something similar...change one of the words to a synonym. You still have the repetitiveness, but not quite so obvious.
Speaking of fanfic, I've got the third part of caught! written down, and I plan on typing it out tonight. Are you still willing to beta for me? Let me know, e-mail is coonassblondie@yahoo.com. It's much appreciated, and sorry took me so long to reply to your comments, work has beena nightmare.

Re: your first fic

[381newmessages]

Aww, thanks hon! I'm glad you find it funny, but yea, I do have some changes to make. Unfortunately, I've got exams and essays on my head, but yea, I eventually will.

I'm glad you've contuing Caught! I'd love to beta, but unfortunately I can't until after Thursday. If that works for you, let me know. And if you don't I'll just email you and talk.

I hope work is better now!

Thanks again,
Kara

Re: your first fic

[coonassblondie]

After Thursday is all right with me, as I mentioned earlier, work has been a total hassle so I don't foresee being done before then anyway. Good luck with your exams! I'm going back next spring semester, so I'll be in the same boat then *shudders*. lol, later!