Comments | 3bryen3: So here's part of the intro to my story i'm writing...

3bryen3

So here's part of the intro to my story i'm writing...

Jul 26, 2003 13:38

So like i said i'm writing a story... i wrote the first page then erased it... and re-wrote it... i'm rather pleased... but i'd like to hear some criticism... so far two people have read some of it... and both said it was good. So i'm hoping others think the same... but if you do criticize it... do it with brutal honesty, if you hate it , tell me ( Read more... )

Comments 5

jory_j July 26 2003, 15:48:19 UTC

Needs to be more descriptive...

Also... jory_j July 26 2003, 15:49:45 UTC

It also gives me kinda the list feeling, like its a list...

the story of my life bad_kittie_23 July 27 2003, 08:18:00 UTC

sounds like my parents when i was younger
so far it is good yes just good
does this story reflect your life? (well some parts)?
keep it coming

wow anonymous July 28 2003, 08:05:33 UTC

that is very good....sounds like you are writting it about me...its very well written....finish id like to see what else happens

story... princessmuffin July 29 2003, 05:55:39 UTC

Bri-
I like the story line of it. Umm, when you are describing Tina and Jeff, try switching where their names are, adding them more towards the beginning on the sentance. Like this: "His mother Tina an over weight, alcoholic, with stained yellow teeth and dirty tangled brown hair."
Also, watch your comma splices. You have a lot of misplaced commas and a lot of them do not actually have to be there. It is good though. Also, try to connect sentances instead of having many short sentances.

Amber

p.s. I hope that it helped!