7 - Compassion
I wish there was a way I could let every person who suffers with depression know that I do understand. With all my heart I do understand. Depression has been a part of my life, weight on my back, the enemy within since I was a little girl (I'm guessing 9, when my household turned from light to dark).
Forty-five years of depression. Forty-five years. Over that time it grew and grew until it threatened to kill me, more than once, by my own hand. It grew and grew until I lost every friend I had, more than once. It grew and grew until I lost job after job after job. It grew and grew until I was estranged from my family. It grew and grew until I lost the love I had always had for theatre and music and performance. It grew and grew until I finally fought back and separated myself from one of the strongest sources/feeders of it. It grew and grew until ...
I tired of it. I tired of being sick and tired. (This, I know is a cliche but it is also true.)
I got tired of taking out on myself what was not my fault. Of beating myself to death because life had tried to beat me to death. Of being unkind to myself because others had been unkind to me.
I got tired of begging others to treat me with love and respect.
I make it sound simple. No, it is not. It is moving the entire world when I barely had the strength to lift my own head. Nevertheless, it is what happened. I got tired. I decided to DECIDE.
I decided that the circumstances which have led to this horrible disease of depression were not my fault. (Although, some of the things I did while in the disease were absolutely my fault. But I decided to forgive myself for decisions I made while in the disease.)
I decided that, having been on the earth for longer than I am likely to be on the earth going forward, I will not waste one, single, solitary moment more NOT LIVING.
I decided that, depressed or not, I would live my life and keep on seeking happiness.
I decided to get help.
I decided to learn to help myself.
I decided to be my own friend.
I decided to give my husband a wife who can feel joy.
I decided to give my sons the present of a mother who is present.
I have not accomplished these things but I am actively working on these things. I may never attain them entirely or even at all. But I think of a saying from the corporate world: "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." I am applying that saying to my life.
I'm already living in the future, by virtue of this journal. Going through the motions of my life without depression. Depressed or not. Not one more day will I be robbed.
So please believe me, I do understand. Oh, how I do understand. And I wish for you, all of you, that one day you will DECIDE that you are worthy of so much more. Stand up and take the life you want.
Forty-five years of depression. Forty-five years. Over that time it grew and grew until it threatened to kill me, more than once, by my own hand. It grew and grew until I lost every friend I had, more than once. It grew and grew until I lost job after job after job. It grew and grew until I was estranged from my family. It grew and grew until I lost the love I had always had for theatre and music and performance. It grew and grew until I finally fought back and separated myself from one of the strongest sources/feeders of it. It grew and grew until ...
I tired of it. I tired of being sick and tired. (This, I know is a cliche but it is also true.)
I got tired of taking out on myself what was not my fault. Of beating myself to death because life had tried to beat me to death. Of being unkind to myself because others had been unkind to me.
I got tired of begging others to treat me with love and respect.
I make it sound simple. No, it is not. It is moving the entire world when I barely had the strength to lift my own head. Nevertheless, it is what happened. I got tired. I decided to DECIDE.
I decided that the circumstances which have led to this horrible disease of depression were not my fault. (Although, some of the things I did while in the disease were absolutely my fault. But I decided to forgive myself for decisions I made while in the disease.)
I decided that, having been on the earth for longer than I am likely to be on the earth going forward, I will not waste one, single, solitary moment more NOT LIVING.
I decided that, depressed or not, I would live my life and keep on seeking happiness.
I decided to get help.
I decided to learn to help myself.
I decided to be my own friend.
I decided to give my husband a wife who can feel joy.
I decided to give my sons the present of a mother who is present.
I have not accomplished these things but I am actively working on these things. I may never attain them entirely or even at all. But I think of a saying from the corporate world: "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." I am applying that saying to my life.
I'm already living in the future, by virtue of this journal. Going through the motions of my life without depression. Depressed or not. Not one more day will I be robbed.
So please believe me, I do understand. Oh, how I do understand. And I wish for you, all of you, that one day you will DECIDE that you are worthy of so much more. Stand up and take the life you want.