I feel I am fat because I want a physical wall away from people. I become very uncomfortable when friends are physical. I had growth spurt like three inches in three months and my arms and legs hurt. The best part of the brace was keeping people away from my face.

I in horrible love with a straight woman who cannot love me, as she has taken a ( Read more... )

we are facing so many challenges at the same time

mary burns her candle at multiple ends

six days to go

Yvonne finally admitted that talking with me is burdensome and toxic.  I consider the relationship dead. I'm not real.

The last time I posted here, I was hacked by someone in Sochi, Russia. I hope the Russians understand that Americans would nuke Moscow yesterday already. They may be too cowardly to take hold of their government. Pitiful. All those ( Read more... )

I don't want Chris to live here. But, it is his house, so Mom and I need to move. Weird feeling manic and sad at the same time.

Garbage in, nothing out. At night, calming down, I imagine myself become concentrated and smaller and smaller, from frozen orange juice to the bouillon cube that is me. Squeeze and draw me into a small square block of ( Read more... )

Holy Week was brutal. I didn't call Yvonne for three weeks. Then I talk to her on Saturday, and she had an essay of condemnation, like she wrote a list of everything she disliked about me.

All these years she has withheld and out right lied. I asked regularly if I was a burden, despite her denial of it, I have been a burden because I love her in a ( Read more... )

I don't belong here. I am no longer in a community. I am a cloistered nun in an order of one, mostly Benedictine, which is, after all Anglo-Catholic. I can't do this anymore. This virtual crqap is just that crap. Ket the big powers kill us. That is the undeniable cycle of history.

I don't have any heart left. My heart is as dead as granite.

Self-extinction is the only escape.

I quite all my meds.

I have no faith in anyone I know; they are liars.

My life is a drain on my family and society.

I am a woman in a nation

That is dedicated in getting rid of me.

I surrender. 

I resign.

I am done. I hide beneath my blanket of invisibility, voiceless, worthless, exhausted. They eat me alive. they always have. Only my father understood me. Mary is a bully, just like mother. I want to move north. I want to see the Aurora every night. I want to see polar bears at my cook-outs. I want to find a lamppost in the snow. But for now, I'll

desolation