95. Drowning
Drowning in the darkness that consumed all and let nothing of what once was remain.
NO….
He didn’t want his to happen.
This wasn’t supposed to happen!
They weren’t supposed to change!
Everything was supposed to stay the same, no one was supposed to change or start acting differently.
Yet…they had all, one by one, changed.
Now…
Now it was his turn…
They had all used to be a big happy, if slightly dysfunctional, family. And now they had changed.
The smiles that used to be warm and comforting turned cold and fake. Their eyes were now calculating and distant. Embraces that were once relished for their warm, comforting, and loving quality were shied away from as they were now cold, shrewd, and full of malice.
Maybe…
Maybe he was imagining things.
Maybe they really hadn’t changed into these horrifyingly distant strangers.
Maybe he was imagining how much they changed; over-exaggerating it.
He could only hope.
~~~
He was drowning in memories and pain.
The tears wouldn’t stop! He couldn’t get them to stop flowing. Repeatedly he wiped them away, but they always came back, and he always tried to stop.
No one knew he was crying in the darkness that wouldn’t leave. Frankly, he didn’t think they really cared.
Another silent sob tore through his body, making his chest heave and shudder; shudder like the rest of him was.
His arms were wrapped around himself tightly, as if he could hold himself together.
As if he could stop his heart from cracking and beginning to break.
Why….
Why had they all changed?
They weren’t the people he loved…
But…did he still love them?
……………….
Of course he did!
They hadn’t changed enough to make him stop loving them!
Had they…?
~~~
They were drowning in worry and concern for him.
“Where’s Teukie?” Kangin wondered aloud, after spending most of the day looking for him.
“Haven’t seen him in a couple days, actually.” Sungmin said in a worried voice.
“He probably just went somewhere to work in peace and quiet, without all of you bothering him.” Heechul muttered, not quite able to mask the worry in his own voice.
“But, he’d never leave us for more than an hour or two without saying anything or leaving a note for us! And he’s been gone for more than a day, and hasn’t called or told anyone where he was or when he’d be back!” Ryeowook cried out in despair. Yesung nodded quietly and enfolded Ryeowook in his arms trying, in vain, to comfort the distraught boy.
The rest of them merely nodded in agreement, with either Heechul or Ryeowook only they knew, but no one was entirely okay with their beloved leader missing.
~~~
He was drowning in loneliness and misery.
The darkness….
It was closing in faster now.
Consuming him and changing him….
He whimpered, he didn’t want this to happen!
It was never supposed to happen like this, he thought as the sobs continued to rake through him.
He clutched himself tighter, oblivious to the bruises that were already there.
He tried to remember how long he’d been here, but the days had begun to blur together.
Why hadn’t they found him?
Did they even notice he was gone?
‘I need to get Sungmin his fluffy, pink, bunny blanket from the closet….And I need to make Ryeowook more candy. I need to get Heechul his tea….’ Were the blank thoughts that replaced his panicked ramblings.
A buzzing interrupted his thoughts, and he brought his head out of his hands for the first time since he’d come here.
It was his phone. It was vibrating and playing their song “You Are the One,” the ringer he had for….
He watched it buzz, and buzz, and buzz, until it had vibrated its way off the table.
Yet he still made no move to pick it up.
He didn’t want them to find him.
He’d go back when he could face the new versions of them, without being hurt.
Besides, it wasn’t like they were calling because they cared, right?
~~~
They were drowning in desperation.
“He’s not picking up! His phone’s not here, so that has to mean it’s with him, but he’s not picking it up!” Kangin cried, growing more upset and guilty as the hours drew by and Eeteuk still didn’t show up smiling his dimpled smile.
They were all concerned. It had been three days since they’d noticed he was missing, and they had no idea how long he’d been gone before they really noticed, they felt horribly guilty for not noticing he’d left even more so for not being aware of it until days later.
“Maybe the battery ran out,” Sungmin said hopefully.
Yet they all knew that he carried a charger with him at all times so he wouldn’t be stranded or miss something important if his phone died.
Kangin can’t take it anymore and decides that he needs to go for a walk.
~~~
He was drowning in his tears.
Eeteuk stumbles blindly over to the window and stares out at the midnight sky filled with stars. How he wished he could fly like the angle he said he was; fly away from everything that was going wrong.
The tears continued to stream, unchecked, down his face.
A sign of his weakness.
He looked at his cell phone, before picking it up and deciding to see what they had to say.
He typed in the code and waited…
You have 1 new voice message:
“Teukie, it’s me, Kangin. We’re all worried about you. Where are you...? We miss you……so much…We didn’t mean to ignore you…We’re sorry……and…we love you, Teukie. Really we do.”
End of new voice message.
He closed his eyes and cried harder than before.
How he wished that was true, but he was probably saying that to get him to come back so they could continue their schedule without any interruptions.
Besides, Kangin couldn’t love Eeteuk, the way Eeteuk loved Kangin.
So caught up in his misery he didn’t see the person walking across the street.
~~~
He was drowning in guilt.
Kangin sighed as he made his way to the older less inhabited part of town. He felt horrible for not noticing Eeteuk had gone missing sooner. He’d been so busy trying to sort through his feelings for him that he’d pushed him away and ignored him. He loved Eeteuk, but now that he’d discovered that he couldn’t find him to tell him.
He sighed again and sat down on a bench across from an old hotel.
He looked at the old, crumbling building. Took in the ivy crawling up the side, the cracks in the walls and an occasional window, the dark, empty windows…. Wait… There was someone standing by their window.
They were on the fifth floor the furthest room to the right, the room was dark but there was someone standing by the window. He stood up and peered up at the person, trying to identify them.
It was Eeteuk! And… and he was crying.
More concerned than ever he ran into the building, up the stairwell and down the hall till he got to the room that he knew Eeteuk was in and began to pound on the door.
~~~
They were drowning in confusion.
Someone was battering the door to his room, the sound loud and echoing in his ears.
He slowly, very slowly moved from the window to the door.
Not even bothering to check to see who it was, he didn’t care, he opened the door and looked up.
Shock registered on both faces.
One because he never expected for any of them to look for him, let alone Kangin to look for him.
The other because he’d never seen his hyung look so horrible before. His eyes were red and swollen, his face sallow and gaunt, and his clothes were too loose and were badly wrinkled.
Kangin wanted to cry. They had done this to him, it was their entire fault.
He rushed forward and took the elder into his arms and pulled them both over to the bed. Situating them both comfortably onto the mattress, he then pulled his hyung and secret love closer to his chest and held him as he continued to cry.
~~~
They were drowning in their feelings.
The dawn light had just begun to peek through the window when Eeteuk began to stir from the first nights rest he’d had since he’d come here.
Kangin watched him shift and mumble sleepily in his lap. He was so cute when he was waking up, of course he’d be cuter if this hadn’t been the first time he’d slept and he’d eaten or drunk anything while he’d been here.
Kangin was brought from his silent reverie by his hyung’s hoarse voice, “Ka-Kangin, what are you doing here?”
“I-I’m here…,” He tried to say ‘Because I love you’ but the words got stuck in his throat, “To bring you back.” He finally said.
Eeteuk flinched, he knew it they’d sent him here to bring him back so they could get back on schedule and make more money.
Kangin felt him flinch and realized he’d said the wrong thing, too late he could already feel Eeteuk withdrawing from him.
“I didn-” He began, but Eeteuk stopped him with an upraised hand, “I get it,” he stated wearily and began to remove himself from Kangin’s lap.
Kangin felt his heart clench at the sad look of acceptance on his love’s face. Because it wasn’t acceptance, he was giving up. Giving up on everything, love, hate, Kangin…..
He grabbed his arm, noting his flinch, and pulled him back down onto his chest, “I’m here because I love you,” he whispered hoarsely against Eeteuk’s lips, before he slowly moved his mouth up to cover Eeteuk’s with his own.
Neither moved for a second, Eeteuk remained stiff and unyielding and Kangin stayed frozen yet hopeful. Then, Eeteuk softened and let his body melt into Kangin’s, let his lips press back gently. Their eyes slid closed and their lips moved against each other gently before Kangin let his tongue slip out and trace his hyung’s lightly. Eeteuk gasped at the new sensation and opened his mouth to meet Kangin’s tongue with his own. They met, withdrew, and then met again. Their mouths fused together and they gently battled for dominance. Kangin won and began to explore the other’s mouth tenderly, relishing in the taste that was solely Eeteuk.
Eeteuk pulled back slightly to breathe, resting his forehead on Kangin’s.
“I love you too.”