I made a mistake
Tuesday night I was hanging out with Cedric, because Joran had blown me off once again, and ran into one of my friends, Christine. We aren't really friends, we both just chill with Amerita and see eachother every now and then. But cedric had to go home because of an early curfew so I sat and talked to her for a while and we decided to go to a park and skrill with what was left from the pot I smoked on Micheal James birthday.
The whole day was just kind of weird. I'd been up at starbuck and got into a conversation about religion with a youth minister and... I don't know, talking about God puts me in a weird funk. I don't like religion but I don't like to insult it either, for fear that I'm wrong. I don't want to damage anyone else's chance of getting into heavan just because I don't believe.
Anyways, I skrilled with Christine and went home at eleven because her ex was comming to get her and I tend to become paranoid when I'm high. So I drove home, high, almost got into a car accident, then said goodnight to my mom. She knew something was up and we got into a fight. She'd caught me smoking again a few days before so she'd been pretty pissed off at me. We ended up screaming at eachother before I went to bed.
She had to drive to College Station for orientation at A&M with my brother and I was supposed to stay with Amerita so I could see From First To Last Wed. Night, but after the fight she made me come with her instead.
I wasn't allowed to attend any meetings on campus and didn't have a room key so I was stuck in our tiny hotel room. I kind of went stir crazy by thursday and TJ was texting me. He said that I had to hang out with him this summer and when I said it wasn't going to happen he said "you know I didn't give you any of that stuff for free, right? You're going to have to pay me back somehow" It made me feel so cheap and dirty and I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Cedric's car got taken away for missing curfew and he was pissed and wouldn't listen to anything I had to say and Joran didn't answer his phone. I don't think he would've put up with me talking to TJ anyways. From last time we talked, he made it pretty clear that whatever mess I got into with TJ, I deserved for looking him up again in the first place.
I told TJ that I couldn't have sex with him or anythitng, that I was really only sleeping with Joran and didn't like sleeping with more than one guy. He just kind of laughed at me and pointed out that Joran didn't even want to date me. It made me feel even cheaper so I just kind of cracked and said I'd chill with him, we could do whatever he wanted.
On friday, Joran called me and said he had been at work last night and that's why he didn't answer my calls, he wants to see me again... just go up to the mall or something... just talk like we used to. I didn't know if I should be happy or sad that he didn't want to sleep with me, it made me feel weird. I told him I'd call him when I was back in town.
Cedric called me friday afternoon once I'd gotten home, he wanted to take me ice skating and I said sure because at least I don't have to worry about sex with Cedric. But then I remembered that I was kind of supposed to hang out with Joran. I asked Cedric if he could tag along and he got really vindictive and told me that I shouldn't hang out with him, I shouldn't have to change my plans on a whim just because he finally decided to call me. It made sense and everything, but I miss Joran a lot. I ended up doing what Cedric said and called him to tell him I already had plans. I got really sad and asked if he could come with whoever I was with, he said he missed me and felt bad that he hadn't seen me in about a week or two. I just told him we could chill another day.
Cedric ended up not taking me ice skating, we sat at starbucks with a bunch of his friends who are trying to launch an internet porn site. One of them asked me if I wanted to be in it and I felt even worse than I did before.
I was feeling kind of anxious because of the whole TJ thing, but he was supposed to be in galviston all weekend at some hotel party so it wasn't like I was going to be seeing him. And I knew I couldn't tell Cedric about it anymore, if I tried, he'd just be mad at me and I don't think he'd understand just how fucking useless I feel right now. I don't think guys can understand things like that. So I was shocked when TJ texted me. He just wanted to know what I was doing that night. I told him I was with Cedric and it wasn't like he was in town anyways. I mean, all he really seems to want from me is sex, right? He replied and said that I just seemed kind of strange recently and he wanted to check up on me and make sure I was all right.
It makes me feel so sick today, but I was just so happy to see that one of the guys actually cared about my well being so I assured him that I was fine, and in a lapse of temporary insanity, told him that I couldn't wait to see him. He kept trying to text me for the rest of the night to talk, but I was too freaked out about what I'd said to reply to anything.
Joran was supposed to call me today at noon for us to hang out, he didn't. I texted him and didn't get a reply. I think he's mad at me for blowing him off. TJ's still in galviston. I called Cedric to have someone with me, just so I wouldn't be alone right now, but he's meeting up with some old friends today because I'd told him last night that I already had plans lined up.
I don't know what's wrong with me right now. I just feel so cheap and slutty and just... I don't even know. I'm not sleeping with a bunch of guys or anything, really only Joran, and probably TJ by the end of next week but... I just feel like none of them really care about me. I don't know what Joran wants from me. He told amerita I was just some place for him to stick his dick then suddenly he wants to be friends again and TJ sits there and thinks that sex is some expected act from me. Like I'd just give it away and it's not a big deal or something. But it is a big deal to me and I don't want to stop having sex. I want to be with Joran still, even if he treats me bad sometimes and I don't want anything from TJ at all but... he's just... He's just there and keeps asking for it and I feel like maybe he's right and maybe I am just supposed to give him what he wants, maybe I do owe it to him.
I wish I could talk to my friends about this, but they'd all be really mad at me for talking to TJ again and... I just feel like they're all so sick of me, like I'm something they just tolerate because they have to and it hasn't occured to them yet that they can just leave me behind. It all makes me feel so fucking sick and worthless, I don't know what to do with any of this. I don't want to ruin my friendships with anyone and I don't want TJ to keep calling and texting me but I don't know how to make it all stop.