Jiggly Piggie...
had a wonderful BBQ with my classmates as the last gathering ...for now that is...
But still, I'm depressed.
No matter how hard I try I'm still depressed and down..
Wonder if it's all about my attitude or just that I'm different...
Why do I ALWAYS live a complicated life....
I wonder...is the way to expressing love just one way or what... What I'm trying to do is trying to love others...and yet I failed terribly, for HER case that is, or I assume...lll OTL
I wonder, whatever I've done is never good enough, and it's never the little things that she wants, and those little things just seems to get into her way.
First there was me failing my SPM, the two subjects which I've told her I'll be failing, and that I didn't want to be in that stream from the beginning. I also asked for her opinion before accepting a post at school and she scolded me for doing it after my results came out exactly as I've predicted.
Then I went on to join NS without thinking further but decided to join Form 6 instead, which I've received the offer letter. I thought I could've work during the two years and study at the same time, but then she came and asked me to go **** to study and, like she said, she gave me choices of whether to take it or leave it. Ok, so it sounds like a good offer, But I really wasn't that sure of the choice that I was about to make and wanted to tell her my plans, which was shoot back with ' If you don't go **** and study Business, what are you going to do with your life? You can't make a living off drawing, and you're definitely not gonna make through Form 6." and it went on and on. Good or bad? you decide. But I accepted the offer because I really love her as a mother and I respect her a lot. But I doubt that she knows of this and it's just my fault for making her look bad with my side of the story, if that's what she thinks.
I know she really care for me a lot and treats me fairly like her own daughter, I really do! It's just that, I can't possibly love her the way her children does, cause no matter what, there's still this barrier that restricts me from doing so, that's my own invisible barrier which I can never cross over.
I'm always worried if I've hurt her in ways and try my very best to not hurt her, but only end up screwing up everything and making matters far worse than expected.
Things started to worsen since I joined **** and realized, heck, no matter how many times and how hard I try to hypnotize myself it's still not working ,and end up hurting myself and everyone around me. I'm sorry but I just never knew how to love myself from the beginning. cause all I have is the people around me and I want the best I could offer for them. maybe that is why I always tend to disappoint them and hurt them even more? I'm not sure of what I want in life any longer, nor am I sure of what I am. I don't even know who is this person I see in the mirror anymore.
ok, brief info of this person I always see in the mirror:
born in penang, moved to B'w, mother passed away when she was 6, started her nomadic life since then.
I stayed with her when I was standard 2, I don't really have memories of the past and can't seem to remember anything, but I do know she really took me into her home and cared for me.
And then came Form 1 and I moved in to stay with her again. at that time I was really selfish and immature in my thoughts. I often do stupid things and made her angry and upset her. I remember that I was given a simple task of sweeping the floor every morning and I rather watch TV straight after waking up lll OTL... But my attitude gradually changed for the better (although my laziness stayed), and I know that, cause I'm more considerate compared to the me before year 2000, although it wasn't flattering enough for her and she still wanted more. More obvious changes and comparison with other better kids which she can possibly find to compare me with, telling me why can't I be like them .
That was the strongest impression of her to me until now. she was the only one who would compare me with other kids and point out my weaknesses and the things she thinks I should change, which some I agree to and some I was reluctant to. I cannot do without drawing, it means world to me! So yea, I still upset at that time, a lot. Cause, whenever I have problems, I go to my friends, not my family. for starters,My own family just have their way of showing that they care and others won't really understand it, second, all I have in my life, other than my family, are my friends. Friends whom I trust my life with and share the ups and downs with. I often tell my friends about my problems and then some might misinterpret the message and came out sounding something else, and then ending up she knew about it and got even more upset. I never bothered to tell her about it cause to me, explaining too much is not gonna do any better to the damage that was done.
I know my dad cares, and he has his way of showing his love to me, not like what other fathers may do but his way of showing his love made me more independent (that's what I think). And she says my dad doesn't care about me when that really hurt me a lot. I've really been trying to do things the way she wants, but I'm not a robot that can be reformatted to follow commands totally. I'm not sure if she even realize that I'm no longer the me I was yesterday.
nothing I do or wish to do seems good enough for her, which was why I've never told her I wanted to be a designer, a comic artist, a Radio DJ, an advertiser, or getting into the music industry (not singing of course). because to me, all she's gonna say is ' you can't make a living out of that', or ' do you have the money to study the course? where are you gonna get the money from? From your father? he's not even working and he has to take care of that ***** and your step-brother and you've still got a younger sister to consider.' SO I followed her way and I'm not blaming her for the way how disastrous it turned out to be, I never did even though I'm sure she thinks I'm doing it, I'm just blaming myself for being stupid and indecisive over my own life and not confident with my own targets.
so now I'm stuck, lost at the crossroads of decisions to be made, decisions that I fear I'll regret, decisions that I fear to face. I'm beginning to fear losing it all, when I've already started to losing them from the beginning. I'm not sure if I can still handle it all from now, I've been fearing that this day would come and it came. I'm becoming more and more dependent on others that, I can't make simple decisions anymore. At times I feel like I'm nothing but a weak beggar begging for reliance from my surrounding.
Maybe I've been playing this guessing-game for too long that it's hurting her a lot, maybe I've been over-doing it by avoiding from hurting her, maybe I should have just left things the way they should be, maybe I really never did love anyone including myself, maybe I don't even know what love is at all.
So now, I've to start thinking of what to do. I'm leaving this place I stayed since 22nd May 2006. I'll definitely miss every one here. I do understand that all things must come to an end. But for now, the black hole is just getting bigger and bigger..... pitch black and bottomless....
But still, I'm depressed.
No matter how hard I try I'm still depressed and down..
Wonder if it's all about my attitude or just that I'm different...
Why do I ALWAYS live a complicated life....
I wonder...is the way to expressing love just one way or what... What I'm trying to do is trying to love others...and yet I failed terribly, for HER case that is, or I assume...lll OTL
I wonder, whatever I've done is never good enough, and it's never the little things that she wants, and those little things just seems to get into her way.
First there was me failing my SPM, the two subjects which I've told her I'll be failing, and that I didn't want to be in that stream from the beginning. I also asked for her opinion before accepting a post at school and she scolded me for doing it after my results came out exactly as I've predicted.
Then I went on to join NS without thinking further but decided to join Form 6 instead, which I've received the offer letter. I thought I could've work during the two years and study at the same time, but then she came and asked me to go **** to study and, like she said, she gave me choices of whether to take it or leave it. Ok, so it sounds like a good offer, But I really wasn't that sure of the choice that I was about to make and wanted to tell her my plans, which was shoot back with ' If you don't go **** and study Business, what are you going to do with your life? You can't make a living off drawing, and you're definitely not gonna make through Form 6." and it went on and on. Good or bad? you decide. But I accepted the offer because I really love her as a mother and I respect her a lot. But I doubt that she knows of this and it's just my fault for making her look bad with my side of the story, if that's what she thinks.
I know she really care for me a lot and treats me fairly like her own daughter, I really do! It's just that, I can't possibly love her the way her children does, cause no matter what, there's still this barrier that restricts me from doing so, that's my own invisible barrier which I can never cross over.
I'm always worried if I've hurt her in ways and try my very best to not hurt her, but only end up screwing up everything and making matters far worse than expected.
Things started to worsen since I joined **** and realized, heck, no matter how many times and how hard I try to hypnotize myself it's still not working ,and end up hurting myself and everyone around me. I'm sorry but I just never knew how to love myself from the beginning. cause all I have is the people around me and I want the best I could offer for them. maybe that is why I always tend to disappoint them and hurt them even more? I'm not sure of what I want in life any longer, nor am I sure of what I am. I don't even know who is this person I see in the mirror anymore.
ok, brief info of this person I always see in the mirror:
born in penang, moved to B'w, mother passed away when she was 6, started her nomadic life since then.
I stayed with her when I was standard 2, I don't really have memories of the past and can't seem to remember anything, but I do know she really took me into her home and cared for me.
And then came Form 1 and I moved in to stay with her again. at that time I was really selfish and immature in my thoughts. I often do stupid things and made her angry and upset her. I remember that I was given a simple task of sweeping the floor every morning and I rather watch TV straight after waking up lll OTL... But my attitude gradually changed for the better (although my laziness stayed), and I know that, cause I'm more considerate compared to the me before year 2000, although it wasn't flattering enough for her and she still wanted more. More obvious changes and comparison with other better kids which she can possibly find to compare me with, telling me why can't I be like them .
That was the strongest impression of her to me until now. she was the only one who would compare me with other kids and point out my weaknesses and the things she thinks I should change, which some I agree to and some I was reluctant to. I cannot do without drawing, it means world to me! So yea, I still upset at that time, a lot. Cause, whenever I have problems, I go to my friends, not my family. for starters,My own family just have their way of showing that they care and others won't really understand it, second, all I have in my life, other than my family, are my friends. Friends whom I trust my life with and share the ups and downs with. I often tell my friends about my problems and then some might misinterpret the message and came out sounding something else, and then ending up she knew about it and got even more upset. I never bothered to tell her about it cause to me, explaining too much is not gonna do any better to the damage that was done.
I know my dad cares, and he has his way of showing his love to me, not like what other fathers may do but his way of showing his love made me more independent (that's what I think). And she says my dad doesn't care about me when that really hurt me a lot. I've really been trying to do things the way she wants, but I'm not a robot that can be reformatted to follow commands totally. I'm not sure if she even realize that I'm no longer the me I was yesterday.
nothing I do or wish to do seems good enough for her, which was why I've never told her I wanted to be a designer, a comic artist, a Radio DJ, an advertiser, or getting into the music industry (not singing of course). because to me, all she's gonna say is ' you can't make a living out of that', or ' do you have the money to study the course? where are you gonna get the money from? From your father? he's not even working and he has to take care of that ***** and your step-brother and you've still got a younger sister to consider.' SO I followed her way and I'm not blaming her for the way how disastrous it turned out to be, I never did even though I'm sure she thinks I'm doing it, I'm just blaming myself for being stupid and indecisive over my own life and not confident with my own targets.
so now I'm stuck, lost at the crossroads of decisions to be made, decisions that I fear I'll regret, decisions that I fear to face. I'm beginning to fear losing it all, when I've already started to losing them from the beginning. I'm not sure if I can still handle it all from now, I've been fearing that this day would come and it came. I'm becoming more and more dependent on others that, I can't make simple decisions anymore. At times I feel like I'm nothing but a weak beggar begging for reliance from my surrounding.
Maybe I've been playing this guessing-game for too long that it's hurting her a lot, maybe I've been over-doing it by avoiding from hurting her, maybe I should have just left things the way they should be, maybe I really never did love anyone including myself, maybe I don't even know what love is at all.
So now, I've to start thinking of what to do. I'm leaving this place I stayed since 22nd May 2006. I'll definitely miss every one here. I do understand that all things must come to an end. But for now, the black hole is just getting bigger and bigger..... pitch black and bottomless....