Straight, No Chaser (drabble)
Straight, No Chaser
focus: jaejoong
author's note: ah, jae and the fact that i kind a think you're a depressed alcoholic. i'm really worried about him, should i be? to be worried to death about someone i don't know... anyways, i really like, 'straight, no chaser,' even though i'd die if i drunk liquor in such a way. it tastes like fucking rubbing alcohol, seriously!
straight, no chaser
One time I got so drunk a group of well meaning fans had to hail me a taxi home. I can't remember it clearly, but I think I cried during the drive, just barely remembering to pay the taxi driver a little extra for his troubles. I slept in my clothes that night and woke up the next morning feeling disgusting, so I took a shower and cried so hard I could barely stand. I didn't step out of the shower until the water was so cold I couldn't stand it any longer; shivering, I stood staring at my emanciated reflection in the mirror and made the decision to cut all my hair off.
Yoochun said. "This is, different, were you drunk?"
And Junsu said. "Jae, you look really manly with your hair cut like this, I can see your forehead too."
What was I thinking? I hate my forehead, but I didn't want to look like that person anymore. This was a bit drastic, my hair has never before been this short, and I even dyed it back black. I'm starting to think that maybe I didn't exactly want to be a new person, maybe in reality I wanted to just disapear. And yet cutting all my hair off hadn't made my crippling depression disapear, in fact I think it only made it worse. All the dispair that I tried to hide behind my long bangs could now be seen so clearly.
I look old, and I feel old too. I should go out and drink, drink until I die. Is that what you want Yunho, for me to die waiting for you? Sometimes I think I hate you, but maybe I just hate myself.
Yunho said. "You cut off all your beautiful hair, why did you do that Jae?"
And Changmin said. "Hyung, you actually look like a man for once."
Yoochun and Junsu are going to worry themselves sick waiting for me to show up or call. I think we have a scedule too, but I don't really care. I just want to get so drunk I can't even think. I like my drinks straight, no chaser. Because nowadays its the only thing that keeps me going. Though I know there will come a day, soon, when even this scalding liquid won't be enough. And I'll consume myself and turn to ashes.