FIC: A Fever You Can't Sweat Out
Title: A Fever You Can't Sweat Out
Pairing/Rating: Dan/Jepha, NC-17
Length: ~2,600 words
Pinch-hit fic for just_katarin in the usedfic exchange, who asked for Dan/Jepha + sex pollen.
His first clue that something is wrong is when he wants to lick Dan's neck during the interview.
Not so much the wanting, but the fact that, for once, there isn't a little voice in the back of his head saying no, no, that's a bad idea. For one mindless second all he can think about is the taste of Dan's skin. He leans in and Dan turns his head. Jepha freezes but Dan just grins and bumps their noses together.
Then Dan turns back to the interviewer. Jepha sways and tries to hear the questions over the roaring in his head. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
He can feel it starting on the way back to the hotel, the restless ache in his bones, the way his skin suddenly seems to have too many nerve-endings. He locks himself in the bathroom as soon as they're in the room. He took a pill this morning; he doesn't like them, the way they make him feel, flat and dull, but he hates this feeling more, and he always takes them when they're on tour. He grabs his overnight case and digs the bottle out. The sticker on the bottom is scuffed and faded. Best before end: it says, and the date was three months ago.
"Fuck."
Dan bangs on the door. "Lunch!"
"I'm not feeling good." Jepha can feel Dan hesitate on the other side of the door.
"Oh. You want us to bring you back something?"
"No." Jepha wraps his arms around himself and prays for Dan to hurry up and leave before Jepha does something stupid, like opening the bathroom door.
When he's alone, he turns the shower on as cold as he can stand it and jerks off. It helps a little, but by the time he's done toweling off, that heavy, electric sensation of want is coiling in his gut again. It'll burn itself out in a couple of days, sooner if he gets laid. They're not playing tonight; he'll tell the guys he's too sick to play tomorrow and...lock himself in the bathroom until it's over. Fuck. He scrubs at his face. He's having a hard time thinking.
"Hey," Dan says.
Jepha startles. He didn't even realize Dan was back. Dan's holding a plastic cup out to him, and Jepha stares at it for a moment. Dan brought him back bubble tea.
"Hey," Dan says again, frowning a little now. "Are you okay?"
He sets the cup down and puts his hand on Jepha's forehead like he's checking for a fever. Jepha can't help the tiny, breathy noise he makes at the feeling of skin on skin, and he leans into Dan's palm. He should be telling Dan to get out, to leave him alone before it's too late, but the part of him that wants that doesn't have a say anymore.
They're close enough that he can see it hit Dan, the way his pupils expand and his breathing hitches and speeds up. He moves his hand from Jepha's forehead to cup his cheek.
"I'm sorry," Jepha whispers, and then Dan is kissing him, and he's lost.
Jepha feels like he's dying of thirst and Dan's mouth is water.
He can't get enough. He slides his hands under Dan's shirt and they both hiss in a breath at the touch.
"Skin," Jepha says, pushing Dan back, tugging at his clothes.
Jepha sheds the bathrobe he's wearing while Dan pulls off his shirt. Dan hits the bed and sits down and Jepha drops to his knees in front of him. Shoes and jeans and a belt suddenly seem like a puzzle. Jepha snarls and gets everything halfway off, enough to get Dan's cock out.
He goes down until it hits the back of his throat. Dan's hips buck up and he grabs Jepha's head, and Jepha chokes, swallows around his dick. His mouth feels bruised, forced open and full, and it's not enough. He wants his whole body to feel that way. He leans in closer, pressing his body against Dan's legs, pushing his mouth down further onto Dan's cock.
Dan understands, maybe, because after a minute, he pulls Jepha off, pulls him up onto the bed. Dan manages to get the rest of his clothes off by himself, and then he's up on the bed, too, rolling Jepha over onto his hands and knees.
He left the condoms and lube on the fucking bus, and for a second he thinks Dan is going to fuck him like this anyway. For a second, he wants him to. The Dan squeezes Jepha's thighs together, and slides his dick between them. Jepha lets his head drop forward onto his forearms when Dan reaches down and starts jerking him off, his dick sliding against Jepha's balls in time with his strokes, getting slicker between his thighs.
"Fuck, Dan, please," he says, and he doesn't even know what he's asking for.
Dan's draped over his back like a blanket, and he turns his head just a little to bite Jepha's shoulder, pain blooming hard and bright, as he flicks his thumb over Jepha's cock piercing. Jepha comes, orgasm like a rolling wave of warmth and white noise. Dan gives a few more jerky thrusts, and then he's coming, too, the weight of his body pressing Jepha down into the mattress, his mouth hot and wet and soft against Jepha's skin.
::
Dan's sprawled out next to him, still snoring, when Jepha wakes up, one arm thrown possessively over Jepha's waist. Jepha eases out of bed and goes to the bathroom.
There's a bite mark where his neck meets his shoulder, edging over into a bruise. He presses on it and the warm flicker of pain makes his dick jump. He drops his hand. He feels better. He still wants to be touched, to be curled up and pressed down, but the knife-edged desperation from last night is gone.
He walks out of the bathroom. Dan smiles at him, sleepy and goofy, and Jepha's stomach rolls over with guilt. "I'm sorry."
"What?"
"I-" He wonders if there's a way to say Sometimes I go into heat and my body gives off pheromones that make people want to fuck me that doesn't sound crazy. Probably not. He says it anyway. He really wishes he was wearing pants right now.
Dan blinks at him. "Pheromones? So you, like, roofied me?"
Jepha nods.
Dan grins at him. "Aww, no one's ever wanted to roofie me before. I thought this only happened to boy-bands."
"I didn't mean to. I didn't want-I'm sorry."
Dan's smile slips and for a second Jepha can't read his face at all. Then he sits up and shrugs. "Whatever, it's okay. We got high and had sex. I'm sure you guys have done way stupider things than that on tour."
Jepha nods again. He's not so sure himself.
::
Jepha mopes in his bunk on the way to the next show until Bert comes to cuddle with him. Bert's a high-impact cuddler, all elbows and knees, and he takes up more space than someone his size should. It's exactly what Jepha needs.
Quinn corners him in the green room before they go on. "You had sex with Dan," he says and it's not really a question.
Jepha can't meet his eyes. "I didn't mean to," he says, and winces at how that sounds. "It was just-"
"I thought you had that under control."
"The pills expired, they didn't work this time."
Quinn huffs.
"I'll be more careful, okay? It won't happen again."
Quinn is still frowning at him, but he hugs Jepha anyway, and he keeps his hand on the back of Jepha's neck all the way to the stage.
::
The pills are this herbal shit that Branden found, and he has to order them online. They're on back-order.
"Perfect."
There's a rustling sound, and then Dan's head appears over the back of the sofa, tipped back and upside-down to look at him. "What?"
"No, just-the pills are going to take six to eight weeks to arrive."
"Oh."
"Apparently drugs that decrease your libido and make you less attractive to other people are in less demand than fake Viagra."
"Shocking," Dan says solemnly.
Jepha presses the heels of his hands into his eyes. For once, he is sick of touring. At least they'll be recording when it happens again. He can take a couple of days off, gut it out-
"I'll fuck you if you want," Dan says.
Jepha drops his hands and stares at him. Dan's head is still upside-down, but his expression is mild.
"You know, if you need it," Dan says. "It's no big deal. It's not like the sex was bad."
It is a big deal, and a terrible idea, and Jepha is nodding anyway. Dan grins at him and scrunches back down on the sofa.
::
Jepha tells himself he's not going to do it, not going to use Dan like that, right up until he's smoothing his hands over his own stomach and thighs like he can rub this skin-hunger off his body.
His hands are shaking just a little when he texts Dan. cme see me. pls.
"Oh," Dan says, when he opens the door, because Jepha is naked.
"Um, so," Jepha says, and pulls his head down into a kiss.
Dan slams the door shut behind him and puts his hands on Jepha's hips. He lifts him up and Jepha wraps his legs around Dan's waist, still kissing him. Dan takes the couple of steps to the bed and Jepha pulls his mouth away long enough to gasp out, "You have to fuck me this time, please."
"Yes, Christ," Dan says, low and ragged, and pulls off his t-shirt.
It's easier this time, better, now that he's not trying to fight the heat crawling over his skin, but he still whimpers when Dan sits up and leans over to grab the lube and condoms.
"I know," Dan says, stroking one hand over Jepha's side, casual, soothing.
He shifts further down the bed, nudges Jepha's legs apart. Dan slides two slick fingers inside him, and it's too much, too fast, just exactly right. Jepha lets out a sharp, sobbing breath and pushes down against Dan's hand.
Dan adds more lube, twists and slides his fingers inside him, working him open.
"C'mon, fuck, please-" Jepha says, and Dan reaches up and puts his other hand over Jepha's mouth.
"Shhh," he says, almost a growl.
Jepha makes himself go still, quiet, and Dan nods.
Dan gives him what he wants, pulling his fingers out and pushing his cock in. He's so far gone that even the stretch and the burn of it feel good. Dan pushes Jepha's legs back up against his chest, leaning in to kiss his mouth, slow and dirty. Dan fucks him hard, and when Jepha closes his eyes, he half-expects to see flashes of light like after-images on every thrust.
Dan doesn't even have to lay a finger on his dick before he's coming. He feels Dan shuddering over him and wraps his arms around his neck, sinks his teeth into his shoulder, holding on tight, tight, as sleep pulls him under.
::
Dan's awake when Jepha opens his eyes. He turns his head on the pillow when Jepha shifts.
"Thank you," Jepha says, and Dan's smile flickers.
"What are friends for?" Dan says easily.
Jepha feels like he's said the wrong thing, but he doesn't know what the right thing is.
Quinn gives him the stinkeye all through their studio time, but Dan doesn't act like anything's changed.
Jepha makes an effort. He pays attention to how often he touches Dan, tries not to act to clingy, like he thinks this is something more, like he wants it to be more.
And he thinks it's working, because Dan never acts like he's sick of Jepha touching him.
::
Apparently the pill company really meant that eight weeks part.
::
Dan rides him, fucking himself on Jepha's dick, pinning Jepha's wrists to the mattress by his hips. He sets a rhythm that's just barely too slow, until Jepha is writhing and panting underneath him, please, please, please.
Then Dan starts moving for real, and it's good, better than good, better than perfect.
"I love-" he says, and Dan's eyes snap down to his. "I love that you make me beg." It's true, but it's the easiest and most meaningless of all the true things he could have said.
Dan's mouth curves down, and he snorts and looks away.
::
Quinn's in the living room when they come down the next morning. He takes one look at Jepha and gets up and walks out of the room.
Quinn's pissy for the rest of the week.
Finally, Jepha bites the bullet, and finds Bert.
Bert is pulling stuff out of the cabinets: peanut butter, an unopened thing of soy milk, Ziploc bags.
"Why is Quinn pissed at me?" Jepha doesn't have to ask if Quinn is mad.
Bert laughs, then stands up and turns around with a salad spinner in his hands. "Oh, wait-you really don't know?"
Jepha looks at him.
"Because Dan's in love with you and you only fuck him when you can't help it."
Jepha kind of wishes he was sitting down. "What?" he says faintly.
"You seriously don't know any of this, do you? Ha, Quinn owes me so much weed."
"I, he doesn't-"
"Look, I don't fuck my friends just 'cause they're gagging for it."
Jepha frowns.
"Well, okay," Bert says. "Probably if you asked. But I wouldn't just offer, is what I'm saying."
Bert gathers up all his stuff and sighs. He's not smiling anymore. "Figure it out, okay? Stop fucking him, or man up and tell him you love him back, or. Just. I don't know, I don't want to lose another drummer."
Jepha nods and Bert shuffles out of the kitchen with his supplies.
Dan's sitting on the couch in the living room watching Oprah. Jepha sits down and leans over into him. Dan hums and shifts his arm, sliding it around Jepha's shoulders. Jepha flattens his palm out on Dan's stomach.
"What?" Dan asks softly.
Jepha licks his lips, but in the end he just shakes his head against Dan's shoulder. Dan's arm tightens around him for a moment, but he doesn't push.
Fuck.
::
The pills finally do show up, in time to avoid the next cycle.
Dan stays up and plays video games with him.
"No uncontrollable urges?" he asks.
Jepha looks at Dan's hands on the controller, and wants Dan to hold him down and fuck him through the mattress, but it's the same hopeless, visceral longing that it's always been.
"No," he says. "Nothing uncontrollable."
Quinn still looks pissed.
Bert punches him in the armpit and says, "I shouldn't have given you that first option."
They go to Indonesia.
Jepha feels tired and flat and kind of unhappy, and when everyone else goes out to dinner, he stays at the hotel.
Dan brings him back bubble tea.
Jepha takes the cup blankly.
"It's made with soy milk," Dan is saying. "One of the local techs told me how to ask for it. Or that's what he said he was telling me, it turned out to be something like 'your mother is a goat-fucker,' but he was laughing really hard when I said it, so the tea guy figured it out. And they make it with soy milk here anyway, so-"
Jepha kisses him, careful and sweet, and Dan freezes.
"The pills-"
"Are still working," Jepha says. "Which is why we should have sex now. For my self-esteem."
"For your-"
"Because I love you and I want to know you're not just having sex with me because my biochemistry roofied you into it."
"Oh. Well, you know how I feel about fucking you for your psychological well-being," Dan says seriously, and takes off his pants.
Pairing/Rating: Dan/Jepha, NC-17
Length: ~2,600 words
Pinch-hit fic for just_katarin in the usedfic exchange, who asked for Dan/Jepha + sex pollen.
His first clue that something is wrong is when he wants to lick Dan's neck during the interview.
Not so much the wanting, but the fact that, for once, there isn't a little voice in the back of his head saying no, no, that's a bad idea. For one mindless second all he can think about is the taste of Dan's skin. He leans in and Dan turns his head. Jepha freezes but Dan just grins and bumps their noses together.
Then Dan turns back to the interviewer. Jepha sways and tries to hear the questions over the roaring in his head. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
He can feel it starting on the way back to the hotel, the restless ache in his bones, the way his skin suddenly seems to have too many nerve-endings. He locks himself in the bathroom as soon as they're in the room. He took a pill this morning; he doesn't like them, the way they make him feel, flat and dull, but he hates this feeling more, and he always takes them when they're on tour. He grabs his overnight case and digs the bottle out. The sticker on the bottom is scuffed and faded. Best before end: it says, and the date was three months ago.
"Fuck."
Dan bangs on the door. "Lunch!"
"I'm not feeling good." Jepha can feel Dan hesitate on the other side of the door.
"Oh. You want us to bring you back something?"
"No." Jepha wraps his arms around himself and prays for Dan to hurry up and leave before Jepha does something stupid, like opening the bathroom door.
When he's alone, he turns the shower on as cold as he can stand it and jerks off. It helps a little, but by the time he's done toweling off, that heavy, electric sensation of want is coiling in his gut again. It'll burn itself out in a couple of days, sooner if he gets laid. They're not playing tonight; he'll tell the guys he's too sick to play tomorrow and...lock himself in the bathroom until it's over. Fuck. He scrubs at his face. He's having a hard time thinking.
"Hey," Dan says.
Jepha startles. He didn't even realize Dan was back. Dan's holding a plastic cup out to him, and Jepha stares at it for a moment. Dan brought him back bubble tea.
"Hey," Dan says again, frowning a little now. "Are you okay?"
He sets the cup down and puts his hand on Jepha's forehead like he's checking for a fever. Jepha can't help the tiny, breathy noise he makes at the feeling of skin on skin, and he leans into Dan's palm. He should be telling Dan to get out, to leave him alone before it's too late, but the part of him that wants that doesn't have a say anymore.
They're close enough that he can see it hit Dan, the way his pupils expand and his breathing hitches and speeds up. He moves his hand from Jepha's forehead to cup his cheek.
"I'm sorry," Jepha whispers, and then Dan is kissing him, and he's lost.
Jepha feels like he's dying of thirst and Dan's mouth is water.
He can't get enough. He slides his hands under Dan's shirt and they both hiss in a breath at the touch.
"Skin," Jepha says, pushing Dan back, tugging at his clothes.
Jepha sheds the bathrobe he's wearing while Dan pulls off his shirt. Dan hits the bed and sits down and Jepha drops to his knees in front of him. Shoes and jeans and a belt suddenly seem like a puzzle. Jepha snarls and gets everything halfway off, enough to get Dan's cock out.
He goes down until it hits the back of his throat. Dan's hips buck up and he grabs Jepha's head, and Jepha chokes, swallows around his dick. His mouth feels bruised, forced open and full, and it's not enough. He wants his whole body to feel that way. He leans in closer, pressing his body against Dan's legs, pushing his mouth down further onto Dan's cock.
Dan understands, maybe, because after a minute, he pulls Jepha off, pulls him up onto the bed. Dan manages to get the rest of his clothes off by himself, and then he's up on the bed, too, rolling Jepha over onto his hands and knees.
He left the condoms and lube on the fucking bus, and for a second he thinks Dan is going to fuck him like this anyway. For a second, he wants him to. The Dan squeezes Jepha's thighs together, and slides his dick between them. Jepha lets his head drop forward onto his forearms when Dan reaches down and starts jerking him off, his dick sliding against Jepha's balls in time with his strokes, getting slicker between his thighs.
"Fuck, Dan, please," he says, and he doesn't even know what he's asking for.
Dan's draped over his back like a blanket, and he turns his head just a little to bite Jepha's shoulder, pain blooming hard and bright, as he flicks his thumb over Jepha's cock piercing. Jepha comes, orgasm like a rolling wave of warmth and white noise. Dan gives a few more jerky thrusts, and then he's coming, too, the weight of his body pressing Jepha down into the mattress, his mouth hot and wet and soft against Jepha's skin.
::
Dan's sprawled out next to him, still snoring, when Jepha wakes up, one arm thrown possessively over Jepha's waist. Jepha eases out of bed and goes to the bathroom.
There's a bite mark where his neck meets his shoulder, edging over into a bruise. He presses on it and the warm flicker of pain makes his dick jump. He drops his hand. He feels better. He still wants to be touched, to be curled up and pressed down, but the knife-edged desperation from last night is gone.
He walks out of the bathroom. Dan smiles at him, sleepy and goofy, and Jepha's stomach rolls over with guilt. "I'm sorry."
"What?"
"I-" He wonders if there's a way to say Sometimes I go into heat and my body gives off pheromones that make people want to fuck me that doesn't sound crazy. Probably not. He says it anyway. He really wishes he was wearing pants right now.
Dan blinks at him. "Pheromones? So you, like, roofied me?"
Jepha nods.
Dan grins at him. "Aww, no one's ever wanted to roofie me before. I thought this only happened to boy-bands."
"I didn't mean to. I didn't want-I'm sorry."
Dan's smile slips and for a second Jepha can't read his face at all. Then he sits up and shrugs. "Whatever, it's okay. We got high and had sex. I'm sure you guys have done way stupider things than that on tour."
Jepha nods again. He's not so sure himself.
::
Jepha mopes in his bunk on the way to the next show until Bert comes to cuddle with him. Bert's a high-impact cuddler, all elbows and knees, and he takes up more space than someone his size should. It's exactly what Jepha needs.
Quinn corners him in the green room before they go on. "You had sex with Dan," he says and it's not really a question.
Jepha can't meet his eyes. "I didn't mean to," he says, and winces at how that sounds. "It was just-"
"I thought you had that under control."
"The pills expired, they didn't work this time."
Quinn huffs.
"I'll be more careful, okay? It won't happen again."
Quinn is still frowning at him, but he hugs Jepha anyway, and he keeps his hand on the back of Jepha's neck all the way to the stage.
::
The pills are this herbal shit that Branden found, and he has to order them online. They're on back-order.
"Perfect."
There's a rustling sound, and then Dan's head appears over the back of the sofa, tipped back and upside-down to look at him. "What?"
"No, just-the pills are going to take six to eight weeks to arrive."
"Oh."
"Apparently drugs that decrease your libido and make you less attractive to other people are in less demand than fake Viagra."
"Shocking," Dan says solemnly.
Jepha presses the heels of his hands into his eyes. For once, he is sick of touring. At least they'll be recording when it happens again. He can take a couple of days off, gut it out-
"I'll fuck you if you want," Dan says.
Jepha drops his hands and stares at him. Dan's head is still upside-down, but his expression is mild.
"You know, if you need it," Dan says. "It's no big deal. It's not like the sex was bad."
It is a big deal, and a terrible idea, and Jepha is nodding anyway. Dan grins at him and scrunches back down on the sofa.
::
Jepha tells himself he's not going to do it, not going to use Dan like that, right up until he's smoothing his hands over his own stomach and thighs like he can rub this skin-hunger off his body.
His hands are shaking just a little when he texts Dan. cme see me. pls.
"Oh," Dan says, when he opens the door, because Jepha is naked.
"Um, so," Jepha says, and pulls his head down into a kiss.
Dan slams the door shut behind him and puts his hands on Jepha's hips. He lifts him up and Jepha wraps his legs around Dan's waist, still kissing him. Dan takes the couple of steps to the bed and Jepha pulls his mouth away long enough to gasp out, "You have to fuck me this time, please."
"Yes, Christ," Dan says, low and ragged, and pulls off his t-shirt.
It's easier this time, better, now that he's not trying to fight the heat crawling over his skin, but he still whimpers when Dan sits up and leans over to grab the lube and condoms.
"I know," Dan says, stroking one hand over Jepha's side, casual, soothing.
He shifts further down the bed, nudges Jepha's legs apart. Dan slides two slick fingers inside him, and it's too much, too fast, just exactly right. Jepha lets out a sharp, sobbing breath and pushes down against Dan's hand.
Dan adds more lube, twists and slides his fingers inside him, working him open.
"C'mon, fuck, please-" Jepha says, and Dan reaches up and puts his other hand over Jepha's mouth.
"Shhh," he says, almost a growl.
Jepha makes himself go still, quiet, and Dan nods.
Dan gives him what he wants, pulling his fingers out and pushing his cock in. He's so far gone that even the stretch and the burn of it feel good. Dan pushes Jepha's legs back up against his chest, leaning in to kiss his mouth, slow and dirty. Dan fucks him hard, and when Jepha closes his eyes, he half-expects to see flashes of light like after-images on every thrust.
Dan doesn't even have to lay a finger on his dick before he's coming. He feels Dan shuddering over him and wraps his arms around his neck, sinks his teeth into his shoulder, holding on tight, tight, as sleep pulls him under.
::
Dan's awake when Jepha opens his eyes. He turns his head on the pillow when Jepha shifts.
"Thank you," Jepha says, and Dan's smile flickers.
"What are friends for?" Dan says easily.
Jepha feels like he's said the wrong thing, but he doesn't know what the right thing is.
Quinn gives him the stinkeye all through their studio time, but Dan doesn't act like anything's changed.
Jepha makes an effort. He pays attention to how often he touches Dan, tries not to act to clingy, like he thinks this is something more, like he wants it to be more.
And he thinks it's working, because Dan never acts like he's sick of Jepha touching him.
::
Apparently the pill company really meant that eight weeks part.
::
Dan rides him, fucking himself on Jepha's dick, pinning Jepha's wrists to the mattress by his hips. He sets a rhythm that's just barely too slow, until Jepha is writhing and panting underneath him, please, please, please.
Then Dan starts moving for real, and it's good, better than good, better than perfect.
"I love-" he says, and Dan's eyes snap down to his. "I love that you make me beg." It's true, but it's the easiest and most meaningless of all the true things he could have said.
Dan's mouth curves down, and he snorts and looks away.
::
Quinn's in the living room when they come down the next morning. He takes one look at Jepha and gets up and walks out of the room.
Quinn's pissy for the rest of the week.
Finally, Jepha bites the bullet, and finds Bert.
Bert is pulling stuff out of the cabinets: peanut butter, an unopened thing of soy milk, Ziploc bags.
"Why is Quinn pissed at me?" Jepha doesn't have to ask if Quinn is mad.
Bert laughs, then stands up and turns around with a salad spinner in his hands. "Oh, wait-you really don't know?"
Jepha looks at him.
"Because Dan's in love with you and you only fuck him when you can't help it."
Jepha kind of wishes he was sitting down. "What?" he says faintly.
"You seriously don't know any of this, do you? Ha, Quinn owes me so much weed."
"I, he doesn't-"
"Look, I don't fuck my friends just 'cause they're gagging for it."
Jepha frowns.
"Well, okay," Bert says. "Probably if you asked. But I wouldn't just offer, is what I'm saying."
Bert gathers up all his stuff and sighs. He's not smiling anymore. "Figure it out, okay? Stop fucking him, or man up and tell him you love him back, or. Just. I don't know, I don't want to lose another drummer."
Jepha nods and Bert shuffles out of the kitchen with his supplies.
Dan's sitting on the couch in the living room watching Oprah. Jepha sits down and leans over into him. Dan hums and shifts his arm, sliding it around Jepha's shoulders. Jepha flattens his palm out on Dan's stomach.
"What?" Dan asks softly.
Jepha licks his lips, but in the end he just shakes his head against Dan's shoulder. Dan's arm tightens around him for a moment, but he doesn't push.
Fuck.
::
The pills finally do show up, in time to avoid the next cycle.
Dan stays up and plays video games with him.
"No uncontrollable urges?" he asks.
Jepha looks at Dan's hands on the controller, and wants Dan to hold him down and fuck him through the mattress, but it's the same hopeless, visceral longing that it's always been.
"No," he says. "Nothing uncontrollable."
Quinn still looks pissed.
Bert punches him in the armpit and says, "I shouldn't have given you that first option."
They go to Indonesia.
Jepha feels tired and flat and kind of unhappy, and when everyone else goes out to dinner, he stays at the hotel.
Dan brings him back bubble tea.
Jepha takes the cup blankly.
"It's made with soy milk," Dan is saying. "One of the local techs told me how to ask for it. Or that's what he said he was telling me, it turned out to be something like 'your mother is a goat-fucker,' but he was laughing really hard when I said it, so the tea guy figured it out. And they make it with soy milk here anyway, so-"
Jepha kisses him, careful and sweet, and Dan freezes.
"The pills-"
"Are still working," Jepha says. "Which is why we should have sex now. For my self-esteem."
"For your-"
"Because I love you and I want to know you're not just having sex with me because my biochemistry roofied you into it."
"Oh. Well, you know how I feel about fucking you for your psychological well-being," Dan says seriously, and takes off his pants.