DBSK - A Work of Heart [YunhoxJaejoong] PART TWO
Title: A Work of Heart (part 2/3)
Pairing: Yunho x Jaejoong, ?? x ??
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst, Drama, insanity?
Summary: Loss paves a path to love and insanity.
Notes: Written for the JaeHo fanfic contest. Won first place. Don't ask me how. Last chapter will be posted soon.
Warning: Character death.
Part two: Heart to Give
Four boys were lost in a country they never belonged to in the first place. It had taken them two weeks to decide to go back to Korea. Nobody really expected anybody to go anywhere; they would stay together and move back into the apartment they had left behind in Seoul.
Yoochun’s death was still heavy on their hearts, something they wouldn’t be able to learn to live with for a long time to come. Together, they managed in a way. They had picked up the daily things that one required to do in order to live once more, albeit much slower than before. They relied on each other, yet the feeling wasn’t and would never be the same again.
The journey to Korea seemed longer than before. Once they had finally arrived, their bodies felt like they had travelled all over the world in one single day. Jaejoong’s hand found the leader’s immediately when they exited the plane, simply needing to hold onto someone as they touched their motherland’s soil once more.
The voices of their fans waiting for them didn’t seem right in this situation. Everyone standing there was either crying or looking like they were about to anytime soon. None of the boys could handle any more grief and they were relieved when they were ushered to a cab through a back door, their luggage taken care of by their staff, even if they officially weren’t employed anymore.
It took them an hour to get to their apartment, which was waiting for them welcomingly, as if nothing had changed. Everything they had left behind was still on the same spot, the things Yoochun had moved still in the same place.
Nobody really knew what to do, luggage forgotten somewhere in the hallway as they chose to sit down on the couch. The thing had originally been made to fit all five of them and they sat like that, an empty space in between Changmin and Jaejoong where Yoochun used to sit.
If a phone would ring, they would ignore the call. Their voices didn’t seem to work anymore anyway so there was no point in answering it. The day turned darker and soon the moon was out, peeking through the curtains that were messily pulled together. It eerily illuminated the room as the only light apparent.
Jaejoong forced himself away from the other three and moved into the kitchen, absently starting on preparing a meal. The amount of rice he put in the rice cooker was far too much for them to finish, but his thoughts couldn’t focus on cooking right now. When he pulled out five plates instead of four, his hands started to tremble and all of them fell to the kitchen floor.
The sound broke the silence, shattered pieces all over the place. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Yunho stood up and moved into the kitchen as well. He carefully stepped around the shards of broken china and wrapped his arms around Jaejoong’s waist.
The man turned to him and hid his face in the crook of his neck, shoulders sagging and body leaning its weight against the leader. This would be a long way, they all knew. They had a long way to go before they would be able to live like they were actually alive.
-
Roughly two weeks later, everyone had picked up some parts of their lives so far. They went to bed on time, ate their meals on time but still only spend time with one another. It was a Friday when Jaejoong had curled up on the sofa, clutching a pillow while listening to the rain that hit the window outside.
Changmin and Junsu had offered to do some grocery shopping, seeing as they had eaten about everything that had been edible left in their apartment by now. The two had just left and Yunho had made some tea, the scent filling up the room with a strange sort of comfort clinging to it.
He joined Jaejoong on the sofa, pouring them both a cup and placing the teapot back on the tray before leaning back and running his warm hand over the man’s leg. Jaejoong removed the pillow from his face, glancing up sideways to stare at Yunho, the man’s handsome yet broken face absently staring at the movements of his own hand.
“You… are the only real haven I have left,” the blonde managed to mumble, his voice roughened by the amount of tears he had shed into the feather holder. Yunho turned his eyes to look down at the other, a slight questioning visible in them.
“I cannot hold onto Junsu, as much as I wanted to… he is too weak to carry more than his own heart right now and he already looks out for Changmin so much. And Minnie-ah… I thought I’d never see a boy this broken,” he hiccoughed in his misery and sat up slightly. Yunho’s hand moved to rest on the other’s ankle, his thumb running soothing circles over the other’s smooth skin.
“You look out for me. You carry me; you comfort me when the others can only cling. I should look out for you more…” Jaejoong’s voice trailed off, his eyes breaking the contact with Yunho’s. He had never been more grateful of the other’s attention for him than now, as if he had only just realised it.
“You do already,” Yunho answered after a while, his hand stilling its motions on the other’s ankle and simply holding it. “You shared things with him I never had the opportunity to share with him, you knew him better than we did. By sharing what he’s told you… when you talk about him before we go to sleep… that is what I hold onto. Your words make a better home than my comfort could ever make for you.”
“I have never appreciated you enough, Yunho,” Jaejoong stated, reaching out to wrap his fingers around the other’s wrist. He pulled the man’s hand from his ankle and then tugged on his arm to make the leader move towards him more. “I never appreciated anyone enough. Now that… Chunnie’s gone… I realise that the world is always moving and time is always passing. You are always there. I just didn’t notice how much that means until a little while ago…” he sighed as Yunho wrapped his arms around him and lay down together with him.
“I am selfish because I need you more than anyone now,” Jaejoong spoke softly to the other’s face, watching Yunho watching him. His lips trembled as he talked, his hands moving to run through the leader’s faded brown locks. “I’m afraid to hold on. The three of you are all that I have right now.”
There was more silence, Yunho’s arms simply tightening around the other’s waist. He knew Jaejoong somehow searched for Yoochun in him, knew that he could never be a replacement for Yoochun at the same time. He swallowed and closed his eyes for a moment before facing Jaejoong again.
“He loved you,” Yunho started slowly, needing Jaejoong to know what had been part of Yoochun’s heart that he hadn’t figured out by himself. “He loved you more than TVXQ, he loved you more than anyone. He admired you so… he would always tell me that. By looking at you now I know what he meant by that. It is not that I have been blind all this time, but I just never noticed… not in the way he had. I am so sorry for that Joongie…”
Jaejoong shook his head, forcing his tears back once more. He knew Yunho appreciated him, he knew Yunho had always been concerned about their wellbeing. The leader had so many things to think about and yet made room for every single one of them, not selfishly choosing any of them to receive more attention than the other. Right now, all the respect Yunho had held for Yoochun was still there, reflecting through his own gestures.
“I loved him, too,” Jaejoong said, his voice almost like a whisper. “I think he knew that. I think I need you all to know that I love you all,” he added, eyes making contact with Yunho’s once more. He felt his heart skip a beat when the leader ran his hand up his side, coming to rest on his shoulder blade. “And I love you too. You have never been selfish and in that way, you’re so much like Yoochun…” his voice trailed off after that, his lips coming into contact with the other’s.
The kiss was shallow, speaking of things they never said out loud, filled with the pain and the need for comfort that Yoochun’s death had left behind. The simple brush of another pair of lips erased bits of that pain, healing it with the confirmation of companionship, the knowledge of shared grief.
-
Nothing had changed after that kiss. Nobody thought anything of it, their lives becoming more like what they used to be. They went out from time to time, visiting other people yet still in pairs or in fours because none of them seemed to function on their own.
Eventually, the real world announced that they had to start getting a move on. They could not live like this forever and even though that knowledge hurt, it was the truth. They would run out of money at one point and become unable to function socially if they would only spend time like this.
They made a promise to live together for one more month before trying to go their own separate ways. In a way, it sounded comforting. They hadn’t lived their own lives in years and perhaps they would find another kind of consolation in that.
From time to time people would visit them as well. Their ex-manager still showed up every week, voicelessly confirming that if one of them wanted to continue in the music industry, he could make it happen. Though the day such a thing would happen seemed far away, it was a soothing thought.
Yoochun’s ashes had been, after the ceremony in Japan, moved to Korea for another ceremony. They had appeared there, but never had spoken their goodbyes to the other’s ashes. As Changmin and Junsu decided upon visiting the man’s final resting place, Yunho and Jaejoong wanted to take a walk along the Han River, which had been one of Yoochun’s favourite places.
Parting from the other two outside the apartment building, Yunho and Jaejoong walked hand in hand. Silently, they found their way to the Han River, choosing one of the more secluded paths that ran along the length of it.
They hadn’t noticed the weather had changed in the past few weeks. The gloomy autumn feeling had made way for a more wintery look, trees having shed almost all of their leaves by now. The sound of the river flowing by was enchanting in a way, dulling their minds with a pleasant steady stream.
“I showed Chunnie this place,” Jaejoong began, looking up at the sky and letting the cold wind blow in his face. “He was amazed by it, said that everything looked different whenever we returned here. That while I could remember every tree, every bush that was planted along the path we used to walk,” he laughed softly, something he hadn’t done in ages and it sounded so lovely to Yunho’s ears that the leader halted.
Jaejoong had always been such a good friend to Yoochun, Yunho realised. There was nothing the man hadn’t shared with the other, it seemed. He once more was reminded of the devotion Yoochun had held for the other and therefore he smiled as well, the memory left to be beautiful in his heart.
“Yunho… I…” Jaejoong sighed as he turned to the other man, holding his other hand now to and simply just staring up at the man. “It’s not a bad thing that we smile when remembering things, is it?” he wondered, feeling guilty that he had laughed.
The leader simply shook his head, his expression serious as he tightened his fingers around Jaejoong’s. “Memories are supposed to make you smile,” he reminded the other. “They were meant to be treasured in the first place and treasures make people smile. Don’t worry about it… Yoochun told me many times he loved your smile the most.”
Jaejoong’s face lit up at that, as if a part of the old Jaejoong had just decided to come back to him. He smiled for a while, staring at nothing in particular, simply remembering the times he had spent with Yoochun at this place. Yunho’s presence here was different, definitely not meant as a replacement. Yoochun was a lot of emotions in Jaejoong’s memory whereas Yunho was nothing but headstrong masculinity. Envying the man for being so strong, Jaejoong looked up at him once more.
Yunho had been staring at the river until Jaejoong turned his eyes back to him. He returned his attention to the other man and slipped his hands around the other’s waist once more. They had been close in the past, sharing hugs and embraces from time to time, but the way they treated one another nowadays was completely different from that.
It made Yunho wonder… but there was no time to wonder about it too much. Yoochun had taught him to go with his feelings more, to express whatever could be expressed before it was too late and therefore he wasn’t surprised when he leaned in to brush his lips over Jaejoong’s questioningly.
There was hesitation, confusion, nothing like the comforting kiss they had shared on the sofa days before. Thoughts haunted their minds, the world still heavy on their shoulders as Jaejoong’s lips parted to grant access to his mouth. Trembles rocked their bodies as Yunho took on the invitation and met the other’s tongue with his own.
A tear ran down Jaejoong’s cheek and Yunho knew that all the reasons Jaejoong was crying for were the exact same reasons that made his heart feel so tight. The man kissed him back though, eagerly it seemed. The taste of one another spread warmth through their bones they hadn’t felt in a long time. If this was what healing was like, Yunho was glad to take on all the consequences that came accompanied with it.
Sharing a warm breath after their lips pulled away a little, Jaejoong couldn’t help but kiss the other’s lower lip once more, needing to show the man this was not a way of forgetting about Yoochun, but an emotion that had to do with other things than that. They both hadn’t had any other emotions in a long time.
-
The month had passed and Changmin and Junsu had sensed there was something more between Yunho and Jaejoong. The two of them were very quiet about it though, not often sharing a kiss and when doing so, keeping it behind locked doors. They didn’t go beyond kissing either, not ready for steps that couldn’t be taken yet.
The four of them were gathered around the coffee table, sitting on the floor. Changmin had his legs folded to the side, fingers tapping on the table as he waited for someone to start the conversation. When no one did, he decided that he could just go ahead and say something first.
“I’m going to move back to my parent’s place for a while,” he announced, eyes travelling over the others’ faces. “And when I feel more comfortable, I think I’m going to find a place of my own.” It sounded so final that Jaejoong had to swallow, but to know that Changmin was venturing out to find a place to continue his life made him feel glad for the other.
Junsu reached out and took Changmin’s hand, smiling at the boy. “I think that returning to some place you know that you’ll feel good at is the best thing to do,” he assured the youngest. Changmin nodded at that, relieved that everyone seemed to agree on his decision. “And I think I’m going to take on your example… move to my brother’s place… pick up the pieces…” Junsu added slowly, talking more to himself than to the others.
“We have come a long way, haven’t we?” Yunho said, his voice a deep sound that they all held close to their hearts. “Even if we live apart, there is nothing that separates us. We might be all in different places, but there’s still only one TVXQ in my heart,” the leader looked around. “I think there’s one TVXQ in all of our hearts, forever. Yoochun has gone far as well, but he will shine brightest within us,” he concluded.
They all stayed silent at the leader’s words and nodded, agreeing with the man’s conclusion. It was the only truth they knew and it was theirs forever to keep. Nobody would take away what they had shared; nobody could take Yoochun out of their hearts.
-
Giving up the apartment had been a tough decision, but it had been made. Yoochun’s belongings they divided amongst the four of them, not even arguing about who could take what. They shared everything in a way, so it didn’t really matter.
Yunho had found an apartment of his own rather quickly, knowing someone that had been looking out for him. What he hadn’t expected in the first place was his hand reaching out for Jaejoong’s as Junsu was packing away his things.
“You…” he wondered, not even finishing his sentence. It was a guess, a question, not even a real request. They had shared a lot in the past few months, but their emotions had been too difficult to really figure out. Jaejoong’s eyes closed for a moment and Yunho expected the man to reject his unspoken idea, but eventually he nodded.
“Could we?” Jaejoong simply wondered, staring up at Yunho once more. He still didn’t want to forget about Yoochun and sometimes, his thoughts and feelings concerning the man absorbed him in such a way that it almost felt like betraying the man when he felt his heartbeat quicken at the thought of Yunho.
The leader thought it over. “I want to look out for you. Once we’ve picked up our lives, I still want to look out for you,” he simply replied, realising that Jaejoong had often been on his mind, even when he was thinking about Yoochun. He would remember what Yoochun had adored about the other man, what Yoochun had said about Jaejoong… in his mind, everything blurred out from time to time to remind him of the fact that his heart needed to love as well, next to feeling pain.
-
The two of them settled in an apartment that was rather spacious yet affordable. Yunho had taken one of the smaller rooms as office space, deciding to do some small work for the record label they had worked for before. He had stalled out a lot of books and personal belongings there, as well as a few items previously belonging to Yoochun.
Jaejoong had taken another small room for his instruments and computer. Even though he did not know whether he would ever create any music again, he felt like it needed to be part of the apartment they lived in.
Their relationship was deep, mentally. They both knew that there would never be a change in that. Their minds had simply connected and fit around and into each other during the time they spent in the apartment together with Changmin and Junsu. They could sense each other’s moods, could say the right words to soothe one another and knew when to leave the other alone.
Physically there had been no improvement so far. It didn’t mean they didn’t want to take the next step; it was more like they felt they weren’t ready for it, emotionally. Even though their bodies would indicate differently, they both knew and didn’t mind the fact that they would have to do with kisses and embraces for now.
Spending the first few nights in one another’s arms seemed like a peace they had long lost… some kind of happiness, a reason to maybe live a little more.
Pairing: Yunho x Jaejoong, ?? x ??
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst, Drama, insanity?
Summary: Loss paves a path to love and insanity.
Notes: Written for the JaeHo fanfic contest. Won first place. Don't ask me how. Last chapter will be posted soon.
Warning: Character death.
Part two: Heart to Give
Four boys were lost in a country they never belonged to in the first place. It had taken them two weeks to decide to go back to Korea. Nobody really expected anybody to go anywhere; they would stay together and move back into the apartment they had left behind in Seoul.
Yoochun’s death was still heavy on their hearts, something they wouldn’t be able to learn to live with for a long time to come. Together, they managed in a way. They had picked up the daily things that one required to do in order to live once more, albeit much slower than before. They relied on each other, yet the feeling wasn’t and would never be the same again.
The journey to Korea seemed longer than before. Once they had finally arrived, their bodies felt like they had travelled all over the world in one single day. Jaejoong’s hand found the leader’s immediately when they exited the plane, simply needing to hold onto someone as they touched their motherland’s soil once more.
The voices of their fans waiting for them didn’t seem right in this situation. Everyone standing there was either crying or looking like they were about to anytime soon. None of the boys could handle any more grief and they were relieved when they were ushered to a cab through a back door, their luggage taken care of by their staff, even if they officially weren’t employed anymore.
It took them an hour to get to their apartment, which was waiting for them welcomingly, as if nothing had changed. Everything they had left behind was still on the same spot, the things Yoochun had moved still in the same place.
Nobody really knew what to do, luggage forgotten somewhere in the hallway as they chose to sit down on the couch. The thing had originally been made to fit all five of them and they sat like that, an empty space in between Changmin and Jaejoong where Yoochun used to sit.
If a phone would ring, they would ignore the call. Their voices didn’t seem to work anymore anyway so there was no point in answering it. The day turned darker and soon the moon was out, peeking through the curtains that were messily pulled together. It eerily illuminated the room as the only light apparent.
Jaejoong forced himself away from the other three and moved into the kitchen, absently starting on preparing a meal. The amount of rice he put in the rice cooker was far too much for them to finish, but his thoughts couldn’t focus on cooking right now. When he pulled out five plates instead of four, his hands started to tremble and all of them fell to the kitchen floor.
The sound broke the silence, shattered pieces all over the place. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Yunho stood up and moved into the kitchen as well. He carefully stepped around the shards of broken china and wrapped his arms around Jaejoong’s waist.
The man turned to him and hid his face in the crook of his neck, shoulders sagging and body leaning its weight against the leader. This would be a long way, they all knew. They had a long way to go before they would be able to live like they were actually alive.
-
Roughly two weeks later, everyone had picked up some parts of their lives so far. They went to bed on time, ate their meals on time but still only spend time with one another. It was a Friday when Jaejoong had curled up on the sofa, clutching a pillow while listening to the rain that hit the window outside.
Changmin and Junsu had offered to do some grocery shopping, seeing as they had eaten about everything that had been edible left in their apartment by now. The two had just left and Yunho had made some tea, the scent filling up the room with a strange sort of comfort clinging to it.
He joined Jaejoong on the sofa, pouring them both a cup and placing the teapot back on the tray before leaning back and running his warm hand over the man’s leg. Jaejoong removed the pillow from his face, glancing up sideways to stare at Yunho, the man’s handsome yet broken face absently staring at the movements of his own hand.
“You… are the only real haven I have left,” the blonde managed to mumble, his voice roughened by the amount of tears he had shed into the feather holder. Yunho turned his eyes to look down at the other, a slight questioning visible in them.
“I cannot hold onto Junsu, as much as I wanted to… he is too weak to carry more than his own heart right now and he already looks out for Changmin so much. And Minnie-ah… I thought I’d never see a boy this broken,” he hiccoughed in his misery and sat up slightly. Yunho’s hand moved to rest on the other’s ankle, his thumb running soothing circles over the other’s smooth skin.
“You look out for me. You carry me; you comfort me when the others can only cling. I should look out for you more…” Jaejoong’s voice trailed off, his eyes breaking the contact with Yunho’s. He had never been more grateful of the other’s attention for him than now, as if he had only just realised it.
“You do already,” Yunho answered after a while, his hand stilling its motions on the other’s ankle and simply holding it. “You shared things with him I never had the opportunity to share with him, you knew him better than we did. By sharing what he’s told you… when you talk about him before we go to sleep… that is what I hold onto. Your words make a better home than my comfort could ever make for you.”
“I have never appreciated you enough, Yunho,” Jaejoong stated, reaching out to wrap his fingers around the other’s wrist. He pulled the man’s hand from his ankle and then tugged on his arm to make the leader move towards him more. “I never appreciated anyone enough. Now that… Chunnie’s gone… I realise that the world is always moving and time is always passing. You are always there. I just didn’t notice how much that means until a little while ago…” he sighed as Yunho wrapped his arms around him and lay down together with him.
“I am selfish because I need you more than anyone now,” Jaejoong spoke softly to the other’s face, watching Yunho watching him. His lips trembled as he talked, his hands moving to run through the leader’s faded brown locks. “I’m afraid to hold on. The three of you are all that I have right now.”
There was more silence, Yunho’s arms simply tightening around the other’s waist. He knew Jaejoong somehow searched for Yoochun in him, knew that he could never be a replacement for Yoochun at the same time. He swallowed and closed his eyes for a moment before facing Jaejoong again.
“He loved you,” Yunho started slowly, needing Jaejoong to know what had been part of Yoochun’s heart that he hadn’t figured out by himself. “He loved you more than TVXQ, he loved you more than anyone. He admired you so… he would always tell me that. By looking at you now I know what he meant by that. It is not that I have been blind all this time, but I just never noticed… not in the way he had. I am so sorry for that Joongie…”
Jaejoong shook his head, forcing his tears back once more. He knew Yunho appreciated him, he knew Yunho had always been concerned about their wellbeing. The leader had so many things to think about and yet made room for every single one of them, not selfishly choosing any of them to receive more attention than the other. Right now, all the respect Yunho had held for Yoochun was still there, reflecting through his own gestures.
“I loved him, too,” Jaejoong said, his voice almost like a whisper. “I think he knew that. I think I need you all to know that I love you all,” he added, eyes making contact with Yunho’s once more. He felt his heart skip a beat when the leader ran his hand up his side, coming to rest on his shoulder blade. “And I love you too. You have never been selfish and in that way, you’re so much like Yoochun…” his voice trailed off after that, his lips coming into contact with the other’s.
The kiss was shallow, speaking of things they never said out loud, filled with the pain and the need for comfort that Yoochun’s death had left behind. The simple brush of another pair of lips erased bits of that pain, healing it with the confirmation of companionship, the knowledge of shared grief.
-
Nothing had changed after that kiss. Nobody thought anything of it, their lives becoming more like what they used to be. They went out from time to time, visiting other people yet still in pairs or in fours because none of them seemed to function on their own.
Eventually, the real world announced that they had to start getting a move on. They could not live like this forever and even though that knowledge hurt, it was the truth. They would run out of money at one point and become unable to function socially if they would only spend time like this.
They made a promise to live together for one more month before trying to go their own separate ways. In a way, it sounded comforting. They hadn’t lived their own lives in years and perhaps they would find another kind of consolation in that.
From time to time people would visit them as well. Their ex-manager still showed up every week, voicelessly confirming that if one of them wanted to continue in the music industry, he could make it happen. Though the day such a thing would happen seemed far away, it was a soothing thought.
Yoochun’s ashes had been, after the ceremony in Japan, moved to Korea for another ceremony. They had appeared there, but never had spoken their goodbyes to the other’s ashes. As Changmin and Junsu decided upon visiting the man’s final resting place, Yunho and Jaejoong wanted to take a walk along the Han River, which had been one of Yoochun’s favourite places.
Parting from the other two outside the apartment building, Yunho and Jaejoong walked hand in hand. Silently, they found their way to the Han River, choosing one of the more secluded paths that ran along the length of it.
They hadn’t noticed the weather had changed in the past few weeks. The gloomy autumn feeling had made way for a more wintery look, trees having shed almost all of their leaves by now. The sound of the river flowing by was enchanting in a way, dulling their minds with a pleasant steady stream.
“I showed Chunnie this place,” Jaejoong began, looking up at the sky and letting the cold wind blow in his face. “He was amazed by it, said that everything looked different whenever we returned here. That while I could remember every tree, every bush that was planted along the path we used to walk,” he laughed softly, something he hadn’t done in ages and it sounded so lovely to Yunho’s ears that the leader halted.
Jaejoong had always been such a good friend to Yoochun, Yunho realised. There was nothing the man hadn’t shared with the other, it seemed. He once more was reminded of the devotion Yoochun had held for the other and therefore he smiled as well, the memory left to be beautiful in his heart.
“Yunho… I…” Jaejoong sighed as he turned to the other man, holding his other hand now to and simply just staring up at the man. “It’s not a bad thing that we smile when remembering things, is it?” he wondered, feeling guilty that he had laughed.
The leader simply shook his head, his expression serious as he tightened his fingers around Jaejoong’s. “Memories are supposed to make you smile,” he reminded the other. “They were meant to be treasured in the first place and treasures make people smile. Don’t worry about it… Yoochun told me many times he loved your smile the most.”
Jaejoong’s face lit up at that, as if a part of the old Jaejoong had just decided to come back to him. He smiled for a while, staring at nothing in particular, simply remembering the times he had spent with Yoochun at this place. Yunho’s presence here was different, definitely not meant as a replacement. Yoochun was a lot of emotions in Jaejoong’s memory whereas Yunho was nothing but headstrong masculinity. Envying the man for being so strong, Jaejoong looked up at him once more.
Yunho had been staring at the river until Jaejoong turned his eyes back to him. He returned his attention to the other man and slipped his hands around the other’s waist once more. They had been close in the past, sharing hugs and embraces from time to time, but the way they treated one another nowadays was completely different from that.
It made Yunho wonder… but there was no time to wonder about it too much. Yoochun had taught him to go with his feelings more, to express whatever could be expressed before it was too late and therefore he wasn’t surprised when he leaned in to brush his lips over Jaejoong’s questioningly.
There was hesitation, confusion, nothing like the comforting kiss they had shared on the sofa days before. Thoughts haunted their minds, the world still heavy on their shoulders as Jaejoong’s lips parted to grant access to his mouth. Trembles rocked their bodies as Yunho took on the invitation and met the other’s tongue with his own.
A tear ran down Jaejoong’s cheek and Yunho knew that all the reasons Jaejoong was crying for were the exact same reasons that made his heart feel so tight. The man kissed him back though, eagerly it seemed. The taste of one another spread warmth through their bones they hadn’t felt in a long time. If this was what healing was like, Yunho was glad to take on all the consequences that came accompanied with it.
Sharing a warm breath after their lips pulled away a little, Jaejoong couldn’t help but kiss the other’s lower lip once more, needing to show the man this was not a way of forgetting about Yoochun, but an emotion that had to do with other things than that. They both hadn’t had any other emotions in a long time.
-
The month had passed and Changmin and Junsu had sensed there was something more between Yunho and Jaejoong. The two of them were very quiet about it though, not often sharing a kiss and when doing so, keeping it behind locked doors. They didn’t go beyond kissing either, not ready for steps that couldn’t be taken yet.
The four of them were gathered around the coffee table, sitting on the floor. Changmin had his legs folded to the side, fingers tapping on the table as he waited for someone to start the conversation. When no one did, he decided that he could just go ahead and say something first.
“I’m going to move back to my parent’s place for a while,” he announced, eyes travelling over the others’ faces. “And when I feel more comfortable, I think I’m going to find a place of my own.” It sounded so final that Jaejoong had to swallow, but to know that Changmin was venturing out to find a place to continue his life made him feel glad for the other.
Junsu reached out and took Changmin’s hand, smiling at the boy. “I think that returning to some place you know that you’ll feel good at is the best thing to do,” he assured the youngest. Changmin nodded at that, relieved that everyone seemed to agree on his decision. “And I think I’m going to take on your example… move to my brother’s place… pick up the pieces…” Junsu added slowly, talking more to himself than to the others.
“We have come a long way, haven’t we?” Yunho said, his voice a deep sound that they all held close to their hearts. “Even if we live apart, there is nothing that separates us. We might be all in different places, but there’s still only one TVXQ in my heart,” the leader looked around. “I think there’s one TVXQ in all of our hearts, forever. Yoochun has gone far as well, but he will shine brightest within us,” he concluded.
They all stayed silent at the leader’s words and nodded, agreeing with the man’s conclusion. It was the only truth they knew and it was theirs forever to keep. Nobody would take away what they had shared; nobody could take Yoochun out of their hearts.
-
Giving up the apartment had been a tough decision, but it had been made. Yoochun’s belongings they divided amongst the four of them, not even arguing about who could take what. They shared everything in a way, so it didn’t really matter.
Yunho had found an apartment of his own rather quickly, knowing someone that had been looking out for him. What he hadn’t expected in the first place was his hand reaching out for Jaejoong’s as Junsu was packing away his things.
“You…” he wondered, not even finishing his sentence. It was a guess, a question, not even a real request. They had shared a lot in the past few months, but their emotions had been too difficult to really figure out. Jaejoong’s eyes closed for a moment and Yunho expected the man to reject his unspoken idea, but eventually he nodded.
“Could we?” Jaejoong simply wondered, staring up at Yunho once more. He still didn’t want to forget about Yoochun and sometimes, his thoughts and feelings concerning the man absorbed him in such a way that it almost felt like betraying the man when he felt his heartbeat quicken at the thought of Yunho.
The leader thought it over. “I want to look out for you. Once we’ve picked up our lives, I still want to look out for you,” he simply replied, realising that Jaejoong had often been on his mind, even when he was thinking about Yoochun. He would remember what Yoochun had adored about the other man, what Yoochun had said about Jaejoong… in his mind, everything blurred out from time to time to remind him of the fact that his heart needed to love as well, next to feeling pain.
-
The two of them settled in an apartment that was rather spacious yet affordable. Yunho had taken one of the smaller rooms as office space, deciding to do some small work for the record label they had worked for before. He had stalled out a lot of books and personal belongings there, as well as a few items previously belonging to Yoochun.
Jaejoong had taken another small room for his instruments and computer. Even though he did not know whether he would ever create any music again, he felt like it needed to be part of the apartment they lived in.
Their relationship was deep, mentally. They both knew that there would never be a change in that. Their minds had simply connected and fit around and into each other during the time they spent in the apartment together with Changmin and Junsu. They could sense each other’s moods, could say the right words to soothe one another and knew when to leave the other alone.
Physically there had been no improvement so far. It didn’t mean they didn’t want to take the next step; it was more like they felt they weren’t ready for it, emotionally. Even though their bodies would indicate differently, they both knew and didn’t mind the fact that they would have to do with kisses and embraces for now.
Spending the first few nights in one another’s arms seemed like a peace they had long lost… some kind of happiness, a reason to maybe live a little more.