A Dark Place
Hello everyone,
I know I haven't been online in a while; posting or commenting on enteries, and for that I am sorry. Most of my time has been spent taking care of my Grandmother and trying to get through the depression that has gripped me for most of my life and in the past couple of years, seemed to drag me further and fruther into an abyss. Unfortunately, my grandma ( I call her Ma or Mommy), the woman that raised me from the time that I was a year and a half, died two weeks ago. Whatever progress I made in theapy, dealing with my past issues with my birth parents and the death of my Grandpa has gone away. Ma has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember; we had been through everything together. When I was 7, my grandpa, her husband, who was my entire world...my best friend died. And because of a comment by a family member at the time, I blamed myself for making his condition worse by ccommendeering all of his time and energy to take me to the park and play with me. For years I've carried this pain, but through it all, Ma was by my side, trying to help me heal. We were never separated. Even after I met my now husband, Bobby, and we married, Ma moved in with us so that she wouldn't have to be faced with living alone at her age. While I'm grateful that she had been in my life for 31 years and that she lived to be 100 years old, I am now faced with the reality of living without her. I can't do it. I really can't. I've been hanging on by a mere thread the last couple of weeks, and now the pain that I am faced with, not having the opprotunity to say 'good morning' to her when I wake up or have her say 'I love you' before I go to bed at night is ripping a bigger hole in my soul...a hole that had been there since my Grandpa's death. It's starting to swallow me. I feel paralyzed by the pain. I feel that there isn't anything I can do. And while I know she would want me to go on with my life, because of issues with feeling abandoned by my birth parents and feeling as though I am a worthless human being, except for the reinforcing kind words that she would give me, I honestly don't care about being alive anymore. I don't know why I'm posting this...maybe I need to get it out...maybe I need somebody to give me a reason to continue on; I don't know. All I know is that I'm so blinded by pain right now, that I am on the verge of ending it all. While I know that isn't what Ma would want, I don't know how I can continue in this darkness.