#Fic# Unable to respond //Chapter 9//
Title: Unable to respond /chapter 9/
Author: tanakakoki_fan
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG (for now)
Genre: Angst, romance
Disclaimer: I don’t own them!
Summary: (Uhh I suck at summaries… ^^”) Kame is closed in his own world… he can feel he can hear, but can’t respond. Will Jin’s love give him the light to live on?
AN: I don’t have beta, I am sorry if my grammar is wrong or if I mispell something. Feel free to correct me! =)
It was a weird feeling, Kazuya thought. He was feeling numb all over and his senses were blurred. The Kazuya in the box lyed on the floor, motionless, hardly alive. He heared voices around him telling what medicine he should get, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t imagine his life, his future after what had happened. He could hardly acknowledge the facts, all he found in himself were negative thoughts. Why should he return to life? Why should he wake up? Evetything lost its meaning.
He just watched the darkness where once the door had been and sighed.
~Hey Kazuya, you shouldn’t lose hope! You have to wake up…for Jin! He loves you! You have to tell him you feel the same. To see him smile. He loves only you, he wanted to marry you… no matter you are a boy too. So yes, you have to wake up quickly, because you don’t want him to be sad!~ Kazuya tried to encourage himself but didn’t really succeeded when he heard how his mother cry and how that hateful girl tries to comfort her. He didn’t feel better.
~Your fault bitch… your fault alone!~ he never felt such a hate for anyone as now. Humans are greedy. They do everyhing to achieve their goals even if it means destroying others. Is this girl really a fan? Is this girl really loves him? Then she should just let him live the life he is happy in. Isn’t that the most rational thing to do? If you love someone, you are happy when you see him happy. Too bad only a few people know what real love is.
Noone knows what the future holds… but that time Kazuya was desperate because of the fact that it is really true. What will happen between Jin and him now? How will Jin react? Will he come again or he will never visit him anymore? Not bringing him roses and cranes…. the things he promised to… is that promise cancelled now?
Kazuya knew Jin. Knew that under that sexy-playboy look, in reality he is a sensitive little child, an insecure one who cares for others deeply, and is hurt so easily. How will Jin react knowing „he has a girlfriend”?
The most annoying thing of this all to Kazuya was that he can do nothing. He knows it is a lie… he knows how he feels towards Jin. But it drove him really crazy that he can’t say it out loud.
And now… look where he is… he returned to the stage where he was when he first got into the hospital. Or no… he felt worse.
He wished nothing more than to grab his diary and write everything into it, like he did it every night after work. His precious diary that he hid so well… he didn’t want anyone to read it… and especially he didn’t want Jin to read it. Until now. Now, all his wish was Jin to read it. Then he would understand everything. Understand Kazuya’s cold behaviour, every meaning of his word… And would got to know Kazuya’s yearning for him… a yearning that was forbidden to begin with. A yearning that drove him more crazy by each passing day. But… maybe it is better this way? They would not have been approved anyway.
~No! I would fight the world… fight everyone for him. All that yearning… they are returned… Jin returned them… Jin returns them. Together we can face everything… we will make it throught…~
Kazuya heared better what is around him now, maybe the effect of the medicine he knew the doctor gave him. He still felt numb, but his senses were clearer.
He heared the door flew open and his heart skipped a beat.
~Jin?~
„I am sorry I came as fast as I could.” It was the voice of Yamapi and it disappointed Kazuya dearly.
„Yamashita-san? Who informed you?” Mrs Kamenashi asked surprised.
„I was with Jin when you called, actually I was the one to pick his cellphone up. He said sorry he can’t come, but he is worried, and he asked me to check Kamenashi instead of him.” Actually it was a lie. After Jin got drunk Yamapi drove him home and immediately put him into the bed. Jin didn’t wake up, just spoke Kazuya’s name in his sleep and Yamapi thought it is better that way. He knew it was not a wise choice to tell Jin Kazuya got worse, so he just let him rest and headed to the hospital immediately. He had Jin’s apartment keys because they have always been good friends, so it was easy for him to bring Jin home and take care of him.
~Jin went to Yamapi after this?~ Kazuya’s mind raced and he felt he was filled up with jealousity. Jin and Yamapi…they were always something he couldn’t figure out. Those two were close, for so many years he lost count of it. There were times when the three of them hang out together, but Kazuya felt himself outsider at those times.
~Is the bond between Jin and Yamapi stronger than Jin’s and mine?~ Kazuya really wanted to cry and felt insecure. At that momment he felt like he is not needed anymore, that if he never woke up it would be the best.
But as always he tried to think more positively and tried to view the things the way Jin has a very good friend and he should be thankful to Yamapi for being there for Jin always. Damn… so many questions and no answer… Kazuya really felt exhausted.
„But it is nothing wrong with Akanishi-kun, is it? He looked so pale when he left.” Mrs Kamenashi asked worried.
Yamapi glanced briefly at the girl who sat by Kazuya’s side and then at Kazuya. Why does he have a weird feeling seeing this?
„No, nothing is wrong, he is just… tired from the lots of work. He really say sorry and doesn’t want you to worry.” Yamapi lied again.
Kazuya was not so sure about it, he knew Jin too well. He immediately started to worry. The girl didn’t mind the growing tension she popped up and ran to Yamapi fangirlish.
„Oh! Yamapi!! I mean Yamashita-kun! I am your big fan! Uwaaa! I am so glad I see you live! I was at your concert. Can I shake your hand? I am Chinami, Kazuya’s girlfriend. He talked about you a lot!”
Yamapi and Kazuya’s parents were more than surprised. It was a very unintelligent thing to do. Mrs Kamenashi got a little sad... how can his son’s girlfriend behave like this when her love lying on a hospital bed struggling between life and death?
„Eh! Well…” Yamapi shook her hand briefly, but he was not enthusiastic over that. Neverthless he knew he had to be polite. But at the other hand it surprised him that Kazuya chose a girl like Chinami to be his girlfriend. True, the girl was pretty, with long blondish hair and a slim feminine figure, but her skirt was way too short and she was that typical plaza-babe style. Yamapi never thought girls like these are Kazuya’s style. He thought the younger boy has better taste, Kazuya always looked so serious and was thinking like an adult, this girl just didn’t suit to his image.
~Oh…My..God!~ Kazuya really wished he couldn’t hear what is around him now. This is so embarassing… that his so called girlfriend behaves like this… this girl will make his parents sad with that attitude.. and all others and… Kazuya paled. What if the media got to know this? What if that girl reveals „everything”? Reveals things that never happened…
He didn’t know how the girl looked like, but he could imagine… surely the same type of girls that stalk them after the concerts and scream like mad when they recognize them in disguise on the street.
Kazuya in the box sighed, now sitting.
~How could something like this happen? Jin… I want you to be here instead of her.~
„Nice to meet you Chinami-chan.” Lied Yamapi for the third time that day. Okay, this girl is Kazuya’s girlfriend, he should be polite, but he didn’t find the girl nice or sympathic at all. For a fleetig secod he even wondered if it is really true or not. The fact even Jin didn’t know that Kazuya is seeing someone was suspicious. He knew, the AkaKame despite the coldness they had towards each other sometimes, always cared for each other and knew each other’s life. Were they that bad term with each other lately?
Shock after shock… Yamapi could tell. It was only 2 hours ago that he met Jin and from that time this day took a turn. First he got to know his best friend is in love with a guy -not that he never suspected a thing- and now… he saw what type of girl Kazuya is together with. He didn’t even know which fact shocked him more.
„I am sorry…” came the voice of the nurse from the door „but you should go home, Kamenashi-san needs his rest and it is late.” Tomoko walked into the room and smiled at Chinami.
Kazuya’s parents nodded and went to their son’s side. His mother leaned down and kissed Kazuya’s cheek.
„Don’t scare us like that again dear.” said the woman with a few tears in her eyes.
„We love you very much Kazuya and don’t want to lose you.” his father’s voice was full of reassuring and Kazuya in the box sighed.
Now he really couldn’t promise anything. He didn’t feel healthy or good. His mind was between the line of consciousness and unconsciousness, he didn’t feel pain, he just felt blank. Uncomfort filled his body, causing the Kazuya in the box unable to stand. He was in a sitting position, but felt the energy leaves him and he fell lying onto the ground.
~Please… at least… let me dream about Jin…~ he closed his eyes and welcomed the blackness.
The doctor entered the room and walked towards the bed, with a sad expression on his face. He promised the parents he will save this boy. But now it seemed to be a hard task.
„I won’t give up Kamenashi-kun. But don’t give up either.” He looked at the beeping machines that once again had to be there to keep the boy alive.
**
Jin felt all sweaty when he opened his eyes. His head started to hurt as soon as he was conscious again, his eyes immediately shut close after being opened.
„Ughh…” he knew what it was, hangover. A serious hangover because of drinking too much. He felt kind of blank and numb…
„Probably it’s the feeling Kazuya felt when he got into hospital…” he muttered to himself, trying to clear his senses and sit up. He opened his eyes but narrowed them as he groaned, his vision was a little blurry. Hangover is one thing… but he felt uneasy…
„But why was I drinking? And where?” His mind was in a total mess, tyring to collect the puzzle pieces together of what had happened the day before. He had images of the hospital Kazuya and very blurry images of Yamapi, but he didn’t really get it.
„ Fuck, how can I go to visit him like this…” He buried his head into his palms frustrated.
„And… oh I didn’t make the crane… gotta get up, gotta get…” here he stopped himself as all what had happened the day before suddenly came to his mind.
The reason why he went to that bar to drink. .. he remembered it all…the girl.. the realization his dreams and heart scattered… the image of the girl holding Kazuya’s hand… whispering his name. Jin felt more dizzy all of a sudden. His stomach turned knot, he felt sick and like throwing up. With closing his eyes, inhaling deep breaths he managed to make himself somewhat calm. He grabed the sheets as he looked at the side, to the table were he kept Kazuya’s picture.
Kazuya’s, who can never be his… how nice dream it was.
Jin really blamed himself for building so much false hopes. But how could that be not true? Sometimes he heared Kazuya’s voice… he could swear it.
„I am getting really paranoid…” for moments he just stared blankly in front of him, feeling like shit, with terrible headache and heart that literally hurt. He looked at the other side of the huge bed. Kazuya will never lay on it… he will never smile up at him lovingly and invite him for a kiss. He can forget it… forget him…
And if Kazuya really heard everything, then Jin had to apologize. No matter how hard it would be to go into the hospital again, he knew he had to make that step. He just wished the girl was not there. He didn’t feel enough courage in him, enough power to face the situation.
Jin knew he had to get up, but he had no feel to do so. He just sat, feeling lonely and blank on his bed, squeezing Kazuya’s picture in his hands, afraid that not only the real Kazuya but this photo will be taken away from him too.
This was not the first time he had hangover, but it felt more sorrowful now, because the real problem was not the alcohol. It was a problem.. a feeling that will haunt him until he lives.
This came so sudden Jin didn’t really want to acknowledge the facts. He knew, he has to act as if nothing happened… if he can’t see things, they are not there… or so he thought… Well, not really thought it, just this way of thinking was what made him out of the desperation. He knew very well it is nothing more than lying to himself.
With heavy movements he made it out of the bed and rose to his feet. He still felt his head is in a chaos and he had to lean onto the wall for support. Is it really just a hangover?
This was the time when he heared the front door open.
„Kazuya?” he asked unconsciously. Kazuya? How could he be here now?... It was just a desparate hope. What if he just dreamed the whole? And Kazuya is healty, coming home to him? Obviously no miracle happens. Even if Kazuya’s accident had been only a dream, he wouldn’t come „home” to him.
Jin saw Yamapi enter into his room and when their eyes met he could tell something was wrong, although Pi tried hard to hide it.
„What’s wrong?” Jin asked with shaking voice.
„What?” Yamapi looked at him and showed a fake smile. „Nothing Jin. Are you better?”
He walked to Jin’s side for support as the other looked like he could fall at any minute. He found it better not to tell Jin in this state that Kazuya got worse.
„Bullshit Pi… what’s the matter? I know something is wrong … with Kazuya right?” Jin’s eyes shone desperately and Pi didn’t know what he should answer. Jin looked shaken up and he could tell his friend not only suffering from a hangover, he was not at the best shape without it either.
He knew perfectly well how Jin was. He would think of the most horrible thing and won’t show, but will be eaten up by his own second-guessed things. No matter how much he tried to protect Jin from his own misery, he realized he had to tell Jin the truth.
„Jin look.. sit down.” he guided the man to sit onto the bed and looked into his eyes.
„Do you remember what happened yesterday?” The NewS leader asked concerned and recieved a nod from Jin.
„Everything?”
„Pi… i am not that stupid…okay, maybe I drunk more than I should have but I know what happened.”
„So you remember confessing me you are in love with Kamenashi…” Pi said eyeing him.
„W…What?? I told you??” Jin blushed and his head felt more dizzy all of a sudden. „Uh..Pi…I…”
„It’s allright Jin.” he smiled and patted the other’s shoulder sadly.
„And…you remember the ….girlfriend, ne?” the NewS member looked at him and see the other man’s face fell, eyes casted on the blanket he gripped more. Kazuya’s photo layed next to him and when Pi noticed it, he felt his heart being clenched in fists.
’God Jin… you really are seious about him…’
„I do.” Jin nodded.
„I am sorry Jin… I don’t know what to say… that girl is not the best match for Kamenashi, I wish he… chose you.” Pi patted the other’s shoulder again. Jin sighed and tried to collect himself.
„If that girl makes Kazuya happy, than it is good i don’t care… I just want Kazuya to be happy… even if it is not with me.” he started to chuckle sourly. „And after all, how could I have thought he would fall in love with me?”
At this Pi didn’t answer. He didn’t want to tell Jin what he thought about it, because appearently it was wrong. And he didn’t want to make Jin sad by speaking about this for long. He knew Jin will be more than sad anyway if he tells him about Kazuya’s state. Pi always thought Kame is in love with Jin. He saw how the younger man always looked at Jin when they went out together somewhere, just te three of them. And when they played in Nobuta together he caught Kazuya sitting alone in the dressing room, reading, or rather just watching a magazin with Jin’s picture in it and his eyes were filled with yearning and sadness. Pi sometimes noticed how Jin looks back at Kazuya too, with the same eyes, but he was not so sure that Jin returns the feelings. Jin looked unsecure and maybe scared? Well, his baka friend was always hard to read, even for him.
„So Pi, please talk. What happened?” Jin pleaded with shaken voice.
„Well… after I decided you drank enough and wanted to take you home, your mobile rang. Sorry for picking it up, I just thought it can be important at that time of night and…” there Pi felt silent and lifted his gaze to look directly into his eyes.
„And?” Jin asked, his heart beaten in his throat because he was so worried.
„I was right. It was important. Kamenashi’s mom called that… Kamenashi got worse.” Pi sighed and studied Jin’s face, worried he can faint at any minute.
„Oh God…” Jin hid his face in his palms and tried to regain composure.
„What do you mean by „worse”?” He was afraid to ask, but he had to. His heart pounded so fast, he wanted to cry. What had happened to Kazuya? He was recovering so quickly, day by day and everyone was so happy.
„I talked to his mother after the nurse told us to leave. She said, not much after you left, Kamenashi’s body began to shake and he fell into a shock. The doctors gave him medicine and they succeeded in stabilizing his state, but he had to put back to the machines again.” Pi sighed and saw Jin’s face fell sadder and sadder after every word.
„It is my fault…” Jin whispered. „After he heared his girlfriend I think he came to realize what all I have done to him and… he got worse. I… I am afraid he will be more worse if I visit him again… but I have to apologize.. I have to say sorry to him because of what I did.”
„Jin…” Pi touched Jin’s shoulder in a friendly way. „Stop the nonsense. No matter what you did, I am sure it is not your fault.”
„It is Pi… you don’t know what I have done!! I kissed him on the lips, I sang for him, I whispered him loving words… I behaved like a lover. Telling him every day that if he comes back we will be together.. God, I even told him I will… marry him.” Jin wanted to hide now. Why is he telling Yamapi this all? Maybe it is the aftereffect of the alcohol, or just his desperation.
„Ehh.. you did what?” At this, Yamapi was really surprised, but soon he thought he shouldn’t be so suprisd, Jin didn’t gain the nickname Bakanishi for nothing.
„See? I must have shocked him.” Jin sighed helplessly.
„Jin you… think he really hears what we say? I don’t want to disappoint you or anything, but…”
„I believe in it… i want to believe in it. Pi.. I sometimes.. I could swear I hear his voice calling my name.”
„And what did he say? „Akanishi leave immediately”?” Pi tried to ease the tension by this tease but he saw he didn’t succeed, Jin didn’t smile, he looked more lost. „Hey… I don’t think Kamenashi mind what you have said.”
At that Jin looked at him in disbelief.
„I mean… Jin, I noticed how he is looking at you sometimes… and when we filmed Nobuta together, I saw him sitting alone, looking at a picture of you in a magazin and he was sad. He cares for you-„
„Not anymore.” Jin cut him off, but he was surprised hearing that. Kazuya really did things like that?
„You really think so? You think Kamenashi would just hate you? Open your eyes Jin! You might not remember but yesterday you told me he saved you and that caused the accident. Do you think if he doesn’t care he would have saved you?”
„But… he has a girlfriend…”
At that Yamapi fell silent.
„Well… I have never seen the girl before and I highly doubt this is the kind of girl Kamenashi falls for.”
„What do you want to say with that??” Jin’s eyes widened.
„Nothing, but… don’t you say it is suspicious?”
„What?? You think that someone could come and lie like this? Noone has the guts to do it Pi. No girl is that crazy. It would be too risky. If it is not true and Kazuya wakes up how do you think he would react? He would sue the girl and she might go to jail. No Pi… you are really sweet for trying to make me smile again, but I don’t believe this. Sorry, there is nothing suspicious.”
Yamapi just sighed and he looked at Jin surprised when the other got out of bed and grabbed his jeans to change from his pajamas.
„You should rest.” protested Pi and stood up, trying to make Jin lay down again by grabbing the taller man’s arm. Jin looked at him, not able to struggle, he was not in that state.
„Let me go. I have to see him, I have to apologize and maybe after that he will be better.” Jin looked into Yamapi’s eyes. „Please Pi. I have to go. I must go.”
„You are not in the state to go there Jin and you know that. You look quite pale and… well… you look---„
„I don’t care Pi, I go. And you have to go to work anyway.” Jin pointed out.
„It is Sunday, I don’t have to. And neither you.” Pi smiled.
„It’s okay, i wouldn’t have gone anyway. I have more important thing to do now.” he grabbed his car keys, but Yamapi grabbed his hand.
„No. You are not driving.”
Jin began to feel irritated. He knew Yamapi wanted good, but he was way too stubborn to listen to him. He needed to go to tell Kazuya how sorry he was. He looked briefly at the rose he brought the other day to bring it to Kazuya. He brought it before he found out Kazuya has a girlfriend.
The rose lyed on the desk, it’s petals shine red, it’s thorn removed… Jin just stared at it blankly. Roses are wonderful, their shape, their scent… but they have thorns. It is just like love. Love can be beautiful, red as passion, heartwarming, but sometimes it can hurt… it shows it’s thorns… joy and agony come in the same set. Two hearts can be melted as one, but can be torn apart in this wayward world. So many forces are against love… love? People don’t really know what real love is. At least not many people. They just search for people to easy their loneliness. And then, after month or maybe years they move on, searching for others.
Jin didn’t want that. He was in love with Kazuya for so many years he lost count of it. And the only thing he ever did was pushing him away the more they grew into an adult. Because he was scared of what will happen if he gets too close to Kame. Scared that one day maybe he can’t surpress his feelings anymore and force Kazuya to do things he would never do on his own.
But after all what happened Jin felt more and more in love every day, he felt it is that something that people call real love. Or is it so strong because it is forbidden? Because he can never have a real relationship about of this? Jin was so glad when he tought they can be… but he had to see it is just his fairy tale.
„You know you can’t stop me Pi.” He said with a determined voice. His head still hurt, but he didn’t care.
„Okay, then I will drive you there.” Yamapi answered with the same tone in his voice.
„Thank you.” Jin smiled a little. Yamapi was a real friend, he was always there for him whenever he needed the other’s support. He knew he doesn’t have to be afraid that Pi tell everyone he is in love with Kazuya. He knew he doesn’t even need to ask him not to tell.
**
It was around 10:00 AM they arrived at the hospital. Pi parked his car and they headed into the building together. When they got to the floor where Kazuya’s room was, Jin looked at Pi, his eyes filled with sadness.
„Please Pi. I need to talk to him alone.” Pi nodded and patted his shoulder.
„Be strong Jin!” He was so worried for his friend.
Jin stepped to the dor and was about to open it when he froze and stoped, looking back at Pi with fear in his eyes.
„What if he hates me that much that he will be more worse just hearing my voice?” He asked concerned.
„Baka… he won’t. Just go!”
Jin took a deep breath and opened the door with trembling hands.
**
The Kazuya in the box sat next to the dark wall, darkness surrounded him, just the spot he was sitting were surrounded with faint light. He murmured a sad song, and put puddles onto each other
~”Dare da? dare da.. anata… watashi? watashi? anata… nani ga hoshii no? hoshii wa…eien…” ((Who is it? who is it… you..me? me? you… what do you want? I want… eternity))~ he sang this, he remembered from an anime he watched when he was a child.
As he put more puddles onto each other they crumbled and fell to the ground with faint thud sounds. It was the same as his life, he thought. Starting as a child, with hopes and dreams… then he wanted more and more and gained more and more. But people are like that… always want more and he was no exceptation. First he was a successful baseball player, then he got into Johnny’s. He thought, he will be glad if he just can sing in a band.. and then when he was placed into a band he thought he just want to debut… and as for feelings… he watched Jin from afar.. first he just wished even if they never can be lovers he wished to be his friend… when he became his friend he wished to be more. Every wish is a puddle… and when there are so many wishes and the one always ecxeed the other, it just will be too much and scramble… collapse… and when it does, the person feel blank… feel left alone and scared.
Suddenly he felt a warm sensation run through his body and it felt so wonderful, he started to feel less numb and more alive. What could it be?
„Kazuya…” he heard a voice he thought he may not hear anymore. A voice that he held so dear, that he loved so much and finally he realized what it was. His body and heart noticed Jin stepped into the room.
~Jin? Jin!! Oh God.. Jin!! Y..You are really here? I missed you so much!!! I…~ the Kauya in the box tried to stand and he succeeded, and far away, the blurry outline of a door appeared again. He wished nothing more than Jin to kiss him again, tell him he realized the girl is lying.
It was only seconds or minutes since Jin was there with him in the room but he soon felt better. But Jin was so silent. He just kept saying nothing for long moments and Kazuya didn’t even feel Jin’s hand in his like he used to.
~Say something love…please~
„Kazuya, if you really heard everything I told you before… and felt everything I did to you before… I know you are angry at me.” It was so heart wretching to see Kazuya lying between machines again. It remembered Jin the first day he came to a visit.
~Angry?? No Jin, I am not! I welcomed every of your word, every of your touch… and you don’t know how much I wanted to return them. All the affection I got from you.~
Jin walked to the bed and Kazuya felt his prescence near, but Jin didn’t touch him, he stayed away.
„Maybe you getting worse is my fault.. because you had enough of the things I did to you.”
The Kazuya in the box desperately wanted to run to the differcion of the silhouette he saw… yes… he saw Jin’s silhouette, but he couldn’t move.
~Your fault?? You think it is your fault? Baka… you are so baka... I can never have enough of your touches and sweet words… Really Jin… when I wake up I will kick you so hard on the ass…~
„I am sorry Kazuya! Maybe you will never fogive me and I can understand if you don’t, but just know I am sorry!!” Jin bowed deeply, his voice wavered as tears escaped his eyes. „I didn’t know you have a girlfirend! Oh God, what have I done…”
~Jin? I love you!! Only you!! I loved you since we first met and became addicted to you since then. I don’t have a girlfriend, and there is nothing to be forgiven for. You keep me alive…. you are my light… God, please… let this words reach Jin somehow… give him a sign, something anything… I can’t do it, I can’t respond to him… let a miracle happen please! He has to know… I can’t bear to hear him suffer like this. How could I tell him he did nothing wrong?~
Where is the always cheerful Jinjin who gave him so much power to live on and become healthy? The Jin who teased him even in coma and played with the crane like a child… that time, he could see Jin’s outlines. Now not anymore… for fleeting second he can see it, but as his state got worse so his senses got number. Where is his hope for the love of his life? That girl took him away from him.
Kazuya wished he could turn back time. As he listened to Jin’s tearful begging to forgive him, the Kazuya in the box started to cry silently and curled up in a ball, hugging his knees tightly.
~There is nothing to be forgiven. Jin, If you walk out of that door now and never come back to visit me again, that will be the thing i won’t forgive you.~ Kazuya thought desperately, but he knew he would forgive it. He would forgive Jin everything. He felt so scared that now Jin will move on with his life and find someone for himself.
~No.. Jin is not like that.. he is not… he willl… what? wait for me? I think I should wake up from my illusion.~
„If you want I… will never disturb you again. I want you to be healthy and not always getting worse because of the things that happen around you.”
~Then stay… be with me. Can you hear me Akanishi Jin??? Stay with me.~ Kazuya in the box shouted out, but the words didn’t reach Jin.
„But I want you to know that I am always here for you. You can come to me whenever you are sad, I will be your shoulder to cry on. I will make everything good, I promise and keep my distance. But if you need a best friend I will be there in 24 hours of the day if you want me to. I would even sacrifice my life.”
~Jin… I want you to… I want you to be there… in every second of my life… talking, laughing, kissing…. Together…everywhere together.I would love you the same you love me. And… do you know what I dreamed some night? That we were sitting above a cloud, and you held me tight, you caressed me and whispered to me. It was wonderful.. Jin, I want the times you came here greeting me with a kiss. I want them back.~
Jin fell silent and Kazuya prayed for him to hear his inner words.
„Kazuya, for me, only your happiness is what matter. If you are happy like this… I can be happy too knowing you have the light in your life.”
~Yes I have it and it is you Jin. My happiness is you.~
At that time the door opened and Chinami walked in with a rose in her hand. This rose… Kazuya felt the scent.. it was not the same kind of rose Jin always brought… Whenever he felt a little sad the scent of Jin’s roses lingered in his nose. The roses that were on his table next to the bed. They guarded him and brought him a sense of comfort until Jin arrived. But now, it is all over.
„Oh… konnichi wa Akanishi-kun!” She bowed and Jin tried not to show how sad he became all of a sudden.
„Yo.” he bowed his head a little. his heart ached as Chinami run to Kazuya’s side.
„Love!! I missed you so much! How are you today? I bought rose, I hope you like it!”
~No. I don’t. I hate it as much as I hate you. Go away immediately and let Jin and me alone.~ Kazuya felt so frustrated and angry.
~And if you call me love again in front of Jin, the day I wake up from this shitty coma I will make you pay!~ he knew _IF_ he wakes up. The only thing that kept him alive now was that he has to come back to end Jin’s sufferings and confess him. He couldn’t imagine what would happen if Jin gets himself a girlfriend as long as he is lying here unable to respond.
„I gotta go. Bye Chinami-chan and… Kazuya, get better soon.” He really tried hard not to cry and he managed to keep his tears unshed while he was walking out of the room. He looked around but didn’t see Pi anywhere.
„Gah… that bastard.. left me here?” he hissed.
„A..Akanishi-kun…” he heard a voice from behind him and he spun around, seeing Kazuya’s nurse standing in front of him.
„Yo.” he greeted shortly.
„I… would like to tell you..that I am sorry for what happened with your friend. If you need someone to… comfort you just know that.. „ she blushed „I will be there.”
Jin smiled faintly. Comfort him? There is only one person in the world that could do it and that person will never do it.
„Thanks.” he muttered. This girl seem nice, Jin thought. There were days he came to Kazuya and felt down, this girl always told him „cheer up” and such. They never talked for long, why should they have had? But the girl always seemed to care. Jin hoped she didn’t fall for him, because then the girl will be hurt.
„Y…You remember my name right?” she asked sheepishly.
„Yes I do Tomoko-chan. Thanks for your kind words and that you always want to help me coping with my sadness. Take care.” Jin was about to leave when the girl sudden words made him stop.
„I love you Akanishi-kun.” Tomoko knew very well that Jin is in love with Kazuya, but she hoped this bond is not so strong and after Jin finds out about Kazuya’s girlfriend he will just move on. Tomoko couldn’t deciede if Jin is overly sad because of the state of the other or sad because of one-sided love.
When Jin turned around to face her, her heart beated so fast she thought it could fly out of its place.
„I am sorry. I can never return your feelings.” Jin said with a sad but determined tone of voice. „Gomen ne.”
Tomoko wanted to say something, but Pi’s voice prevented her from doing it.
„Hey Jin, you alright?” he walked to his friend, bowing and saying hi to Tomoko in the way.
„Yes… I am.” Jin lied. In fact he was not. All these events shook him up badly and he felt weak, his head began to hurt again and he felt he is sweating. He was too exhausted and well, he had a heavy hangover.
Pi was not convienced, but decided not to argue about this.
„Come I will take you home.”
„Heh, you’d better, I thought you already left and leave me here. But anyway you are not brave enough to do that.” Jin teased, trying not to think of the fact he can faint in any minute. He really felt like shit.
„ I was in the bathroom you idiot. You think I could leave you here? Bakanishi!” Pi snapped back but a kind smile appeared on his face as he flung hisarm around the other’s shoulder, halfly to support him, halfly out of friendship.
„I can walk alone baka. I am not phisically retarded.” Jin groaned.
„No, that you are not, you are only mentally retarded.” Pi grinned.
„Woah! Shut up!” was the last sentence Tomoko heard as the two guys disappeared into the elevator.
As she watched them she felt jealousity. The man she fell crazily in love with had someone who he really loved and no matter what they planned with Chinami, Jin doesn’t give Kazuya up. How could he when he has such a good friend as Yamashita who supports him.
’I bet Yamashita knows about Jin’s little secret of loving Kazuya.’ Tomoko thought. Now, plan B.
She got her cellphone and dialed a number.
„Moshi moshi!” she heard a man at the other line of the phone.
„Hi Tsukasa. it’s me Tomoko. Are you still the editor of Daily Japanese newspaper?”
„Yes, I am. Why?”
„You know… I have some information about Johnny’s. Are you interested?” She smirked.
„About JE? Woahh! Who the hell would not int be interested? Tell me!”
„Can we meet after I end work? Around 18:00 at the usual Café?” she chuckled.
„Yeah, today I have time, so see ya!”
Tomoko felt satisfied with herself. She was taught to never give up, whatever the cost of the doing is.
**
„So, what info do you have about JE?” Tsukasa asked as he sat down in front of Tomoko to the Café table.
„Well… Kamenashi Kazuya is said to be abroad ne?”
„Yeah, he is studying dance in London as far as I heard.” the mand got out his notebook.
„It is not true. He is in our hospital, in a coma.” Tomoko said and at that, the man snapped his head to look at her in disbelief.
„What??”
„Yes, he got into our hospital 1 month ago, and his girlfriend is taking care of him.”
„He has a girlfriend?? Woah!” the boy wrote everything down into his notebook. „This will be the top article. Do you know what caused the accident?” He asked.
„Hmmm… I am not sure, buti t has to do something with Akanishi. Yamashita told me.”
„Woo Tomo-chan, you are friend with them? Great! You mean Yamashita told you Akanishi caused the accident or what?”
„Yes, exactly, but he told me to keep it in secret, but I feel sorry for Kazuya so much. I wonder why Akanishi did this.”
„Oh, we will write about it don’t worry, we will improvise. Sugeee~ with this article we will be the number one newspaper. Do you know the name of Kazuya’s girlfriend?”
„Yes. Her name is Wada Chinami.”
The journalist noted everything and grinned.
„Thanks Tomo-chan, I owe you something.”
„Yes, exactly… don’t dare to mention my name.” she said it with a serious face.
„Oh, I won’t I know if I do you wont be my info-lady anymore.” Tomoko chuckled at the weird expression again.
„Good boy.”
'Now I will have plenty of reason to comfort Akanishi-kun. First the one who he is in love with got a girfriend.. now, his best friend betrays him. bad baaad Yamashita. And then, he will be bullshitted that the accident is his fault. Oh, I am a genius! Tomoko, you will get this man!’ she tought to herself, totally pleased.
**
To be continued.
AN: Sorry that the update took me so long!! >< I was busy with my Japanese trip and all. Gomen! And don’t kill me please becasue of the girls, I hate them too.
I am sorry I had no time to reread this really, I am busy nowdays, my train leaves in an hour and I wanted to post it, becaseu I won’t have net access for a week. So, sorry for mispelling or grammar error ><;;;
The song Kazuya is singing from the anime: Vampire Princess Miyu
As always, comments are love!! <333
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Author: tanakakoki_fan
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG (for now)
Genre: Angst, romance
Disclaimer: I don’t own them!
Summary: (Uhh I suck at summaries… ^^”) Kame is closed in his own world… he can feel he can hear, but can’t respond. Will Jin’s love give him the light to live on?
AN: I don’t have beta, I am sorry if my grammar is wrong or if I mispell something. Feel free to correct me! =)
It was a weird feeling, Kazuya thought. He was feeling numb all over and his senses were blurred. The Kazuya in the box lyed on the floor, motionless, hardly alive. He heared voices around him telling what medicine he should get, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t imagine his life, his future after what had happened. He could hardly acknowledge the facts, all he found in himself were negative thoughts. Why should he return to life? Why should he wake up? Evetything lost its meaning.
He just watched the darkness where once the door had been and sighed.
~Hey Kazuya, you shouldn’t lose hope! You have to wake up…for Jin! He loves you! You have to tell him you feel the same. To see him smile. He loves only you, he wanted to marry you… no matter you are a boy too. So yes, you have to wake up quickly, because you don’t want him to be sad!~ Kazuya tried to encourage himself but didn’t really succeeded when he heard how his mother cry and how that hateful girl tries to comfort her. He didn’t feel better.
~Your fault bitch… your fault alone!~ he never felt such a hate for anyone as now. Humans are greedy. They do everyhing to achieve their goals even if it means destroying others. Is this girl really a fan? Is this girl really loves him? Then she should just let him live the life he is happy in. Isn’t that the most rational thing to do? If you love someone, you are happy when you see him happy. Too bad only a few people know what real love is.
Noone knows what the future holds… but that time Kazuya was desperate because of the fact that it is really true. What will happen between Jin and him now? How will Jin react? Will he come again or he will never visit him anymore? Not bringing him roses and cranes…. the things he promised to… is that promise cancelled now?
Kazuya knew Jin. Knew that under that sexy-playboy look, in reality he is a sensitive little child, an insecure one who cares for others deeply, and is hurt so easily. How will Jin react knowing „he has a girlfriend”?
The most annoying thing of this all to Kazuya was that he can do nothing. He knows it is a lie… he knows how he feels towards Jin. But it drove him really crazy that he can’t say it out loud.
And now… look where he is… he returned to the stage where he was when he first got into the hospital. Or no… he felt worse.
He wished nothing more than to grab his diary and write everything into it, like he did it every night after work. His precious diary that he hid so well… he didn’t want anyone to read it… and especially he didn’t want Jin to read it. Until now. Now, all his wish was Jin to read it. Then he would understand everything. Understand Kazuya’s cold behaviour, every meaning of his word… And would got to know Kazuya’s yearning for him… a yearning that was forbidden to begin with. A yearning that drove him more crazy by each passing day. But… maybe it is better this way? They would not have been approved anyway.
~No! I would fight the world… fight everyone for him. All that yearning… they are returned… Jin returned them… Jin returns them. Together we can face everything… we will make it throught…~
Kazuya heared better what is around him now, maybe the effect of the medicine he knew the doctor gave him. He still felt numb, but his senses were clearer.
He heared the door flew open and his heart skipped a beat.
~Jin?~
„I am sorry I came as fast as I could.” It was the voice of Yamapi and it disappointed Kazuya dearly.
„Yamashita-san? Who informed you?” Mrs Kamenashi asked surprised.
„I was with Jin when you called, actually I was the one to pick his cellphone up. He said sorry he can’t come, but he is worried, and he asked me to check Kamenashi instead of him.” Actually it was a lie. After Jin got drunk Yamapi drove him home and immediately put him into the bed. Jin didn’t wake up, just spoke Kazuya’s name in his sleep and Yamapi thought it is better that way. He knew it was not a wise choice to tell Jin Kazuya got worse, so he just let him rest and headed to the hospital immediately. He had Jin’s apartment keys because they have always been good friends, so it was easy for him to bring Jin home and take care of him.
~Jin went to Yamapi after this?~ Kazuya’s mind raced and he felt he was filled up with jealousity. Jin and Yamapi…they were always something he couldn’t figure out. Those two were close, for so many years he lost count of it. There were times when the three of them hang out together, but Kazuya felt himself outsider at those times.
~Is the bond between Jin and Yamapi stronger than Jin’s and mine?~ Kazuya really wanted to cry and felt insecure. At that momment he felt like he is not needed anymore, that if he never woke up it would be the best.
But as always he tried to think more positively and tried to view the things the way Jin has a very good friend and he should be thankful to Yamapi for being there for Jin always. Damn… so many questions and no answer… Kazuya really felt exhausted.
„But it is nothing wrong with Akanishi-kun, is it? He looked so pale when he left.” Mrs Kamenashi asked worried.
Yamapi glanced briefly at the girl who sat by Kazuya’s side and then at Kazuya. Why does he have a weird feeling seeing this?
„No, nothing is wrong, he is just… tired from the lots of work. He really say sorry and doesn’t want you to worry.” Yamapi lied again.
Kazuya was not so sure about it, he knew Jin too well. He immediately started to worry. The girl didn’t mind the growing tension she popped up and ran to Yamapi fangirlish.
„Oh! Yamapi!! I mean Yamashita-kun! I am your big fan! Uwaaa! I am so glad I see you live! I was at your concert. Can I shake your hand? I am Chinami, Kazuya’s girlfriend. He talked about you a lot!”
Yamapi and Kazuya’s parents were more than surprised. It was a very unintelligent thing to do. Mrs Kamenashi got a little sad... how can his son’s girlfriend behave like this when her love lying on a hospital bed struggling between life and death?
„Eh! Well…” Yamapi shook her hand briefly, but he was not enthusiastic over that. Neverthless he knew he had to be polite. But at the other hand it surprised him that Kazuya chose a girl like Chinami to be his girlfriend. True, the girl was pretty, with long blondish hair and a slim feminine figure, but her skirt was way too short and she was that typical plaza-babe style. Yamapi never thought girls like these are Kazuya’s style. He thought the younger boy has better taste, Kazuya always looked so serious and was thinking like an adult, this girl just didn’t suit to his image.
~Oh…My..God!~ Kazuya really wished he couldn’t hear what is around him now. This is so embarassing… that his so called girlfriend behaves like this… this girl will make his parents sad with that attitude.. and all others and… Kazuya paled. What if the media got to know this? What if that girl reveals „everything”? Reveals things that never happened…
He didn’t know how the girl looked like, but he could imagine… surely the same type of girls that stalk them after the concerts and scream like mad when they recognize them in disguise on the street.
Kazuya in the box sighed, now sitting.
~How could something like this happen? Jin… I want you to be here instead of her.~
„Nice to meet you Chinami-chan.” Lied Yamapi for the third time that day. Okay, this girl is Kazuya’s girlfriend, he should be polite, but he didn’t find the girl nice or sympathic at all. For a fleetig secod he even wondered if it is really true or not. The fact even Jin didn’t know that Kazuya is seeing someone was suspicious. He knew, the AkaKame despite the coldness they had towards each other sometimes, always cared for each other and knew each other’s life. Were they that bad term with each other lately?
Shock after shock… Yamapi could tell. It was only 2 hours ago that he met Jin and from that time this day took a turn. First he got to know his best friend is in love with a guy -not that he never suspected a thing- and now… he saw what type of girl Kazuya is together with. He didn’t even know which fact shocked him more.
„I am sorry…” came the voice of the nurse from the door „but you should go home, Kamenashi-san needs his rest and it is late.” Tomoko walked into the room and smiled at Chinami.
Kazuya’s parents nodded and went to their son’s side. His mother leaned down and kissed Kazuya’s cheek.
„Don’t scare us like that again dear.” said the woman with a few tears in her eyes.
„We love you very much Kazuya and don’t want to lose you.” his father’s voice was full of reassuring and Kazuya in the box sighed.
Now he really couldn’t promise anything. He didn’t feel healthy or good. His mind was between the line of consciousness and unconsciousness, he didn’t feel pain, he just felt blank. Uncomfort filled his body, causing the Kazuya in the box unable to stand. He was in a sitting position, but felt the energy leaves him and he fell lying onto the ground.
~Please… at least… let me dream about Jin…~ he closed his eyes and welcomed the blackness.
The doctor entered the room and walked towards the bed, with a sad expression on his face. He promised the parents he will save this boy. But now it seemed to be a hard task.
„I won’t give up Kamenashi-kun. But don’t give up either.” He looked at the beeping machines that once again had to be there to keep the boy alive.
**
Jin felt all sweaty when he opened his eyes. His head started to hurt as soon as he was conscious again, his eyes immediately shut close after being opened.
„Ughh…” he knew what it was, hangover. A serious hangover because of drinking too much. He felt kind of blank and numb…
„Probably it’s the feeling Kazuya felt when he got into hospital…” he muttered to himself, trying to clear his senses and sit up. He opened his eyes but narrowed them as he groaned, his vision was a little blurry. Hangover is one thing… but he felt uneasy…
„But why was I drinking? And where?” His mind was in a total mess, tyring to collect the puzzle pieces together of what had happened the day before. He had images of the hospital Kazuya and very blurry images of Yamapi, but he didn’t really get it.
„ Fuck, how can I go to visit him like this…” He buried his head into his palms frustrated.
„And… oh I didn’t make the crane… gotta get up, gotta get…” here he stopped himself as all what had happened the day before suddenly came to his mind.
The reason why he went to that bar to drink. .. he remembered it all…the girl.. the realization his dreams and heart scattered… the image of the girl holding Kazuya’s hand… whispering his name. Jin felt more dizzy all of a sudden. His stomach turned knot, he felt sick and like throwing up. With closing his eyes, inhaling deep breaths he managed to make himself somewhat calm. He grabed the sheets as he looked at the side, to the table were he kept Kazuya’s picture.
Kazuya’s, who can never be his… how nice dream it was.
Jin really blamed himself for building so much false hopes. But how could that be not true? Sometimes he heared Kazuya’s voice… he could swear it.
„I am getting really paranoid…” for moments he just stared blankly in front of him, feeling like shit, with terrible headache and heart that literally hurt. He looked at the other side of the huge bed. Kazuya will never lay on it… he will never smile up at him lovingly and invite him for a kiss. He can forget it… forget him…
And if Kazuya really heard everything, then Jin had to apologize. No matter how hard it would be to go into the hospital again, he knew he had to make that step. He just wished the girl was not there. He didn’t feel enough courage in him, enough power to face the situation.
Jin knew he had to get up, but he had no feel to do so. He just sat, feeling lonely and blank on his bed, squeezing Kazuya’s picture in his hands, afraid that not only the real Kazuya but this photo will be taken away from him too.
This was not the first time he had hangover, but it felt more sorrowful now, because the real problem was not the alcohol. It was a problem.. a feeling that will haunt him until he lives.
This came so sudden Jin didn’t really want to acknowledge the facts. He knew, he has to act as if nothing happened… if he can’t see things, they are not there… or so he thought… Well, not really thought it, just this way of thinking was what made him out of the desperation. He knew very well it is nothing more than lying to himself.
With heavy movements he made it out of the bed and rose to his feet. He still felt his head is in a chaos and he had to lean onto the wall for support. Is it really just a hangover?
This was the time when he heared the front door open.
„Kazuya?” he asked unconsciously. Kazuya? How could he be here now?... It was just a desparate hope. What if he just dreamed the whole? And Kazuya is healty, coming home to him? Obviously no miracle happens. Even if Kazuya’s accident had been only a dream, he wouldn’t come „home” to him.
Jin saw Yamapi enter into his room and when their eyes met he could tell something was wrong, although Pi tried hard to hide it.
„What’s wrong?” Jin asked with shaking voice.
„What?” Yamapi looked at him and showed a fake smile. „Nothing Jin. Are you better?”
He walked to Jin’s side for support as the other looked like he could fall at any minute. He found it better not to tell Jin in this state that Kazuya got worse.
„Bullshit Pi… what’s the matter? I know something is wrong … with Kazuya right?” Jin’s eyes shone desperately and Pi didn’t know what he should answer. Jin looked shaken up and he could tell his friend not only suffering from a hangover, he was not at the best shape without it either.
He knew perfectly well how Jin was. He would think of the most horrible thing and won’t show, but will be eaten up by his own second-guessed things. No matter how much he tried to protect Jin from his own misery, he realized he had to tell Jin the truth.
„Jin look.. sit down.” he guided the man to sit onto the bed and looked into his eyes.
„Do you remember what happened yesterday?” The NewS leader asked concerned and recieved a nod from Jin.
„Everything?”
„Pi… i am not that stupid…okay, maybe I drunk more than I should have but I know what happened.”
„So you remember confessing me you are in love with Kamenashi…” Pi said eyeing him.
„W…What?? I told you??” Jin blushed and his head felt more dizzy all of a sudden. „Uh..Pi…I…”
„It’s allright Jin.” he smiled and patted the other’s shoulder sadly.
„And…you remember the ….girlfriend, ne?” the NewS member looked at him and see the other man’s face fell, eyes casted on the blanket he gripped more. Kazuya’s photo layed next to him and when Pi noticed it, he felt his heart being clenched in fists.
’God Jin… you really are seious about him…’
„I do.” Jin nodded.
„I am sorry Jin… I don’t know what to say… that girl is not the best match for Kamenashi, I wish he… chose you.” Pi patted the other’s shoulder again. Jin sighed and tried to collect himself.
„If that girl makes Kazuya happy, than it is good i don’t care… I just want Kazuya to be happy… even if it is not with me.” he started to chuckle sourly. „And after all, how could I have thought he would fall in love with me?”
At this Pi didn’t answer. He didn’t want to tell Jin what he thought about it, because appearently it was wrong. And he didn’t want to make Jin sad by speaking about this for long. He knew Jin will be more than sad anyway if he tells him about Kazuya’s state. Pi always thought Kame is in love with Jin. He saw how the younger man always looked at Jin when they went out together somewhere, just te three of them. And when they played in Nobuta together he caught Kazuya sitting alone in the dressing room, reading, or rather just watching a magazin with Jin’s picture in it and his eyes were filled with yearning and sadness. Pi sometimes noticed how Jin looks back at Kazuya too, with the same eyes, but he was not so sure that Jin returns the feelings. Jin looked unsecure and maybe scared? Well, his baka friend was always hard to read, even for him.
„So Pi, please talk. What happened?” Jin pleaded with shaken voice.
„Well… after I decided you drank enough and wanted to take you home, your mobile rang. Sorry for picking it up, I just thought it can be important at that time of night and…” there Pi felt silent and lifted his gaze to look directly into his eyes.
„And?” Jin asked, his heart beaten in his throat because he was so worried.
„I was right. It was important. Kamenashi’s mom called that… Kamenashi got worse.” Pi sighed and studied Jin’s face, worried he can faint at any minute.
„Oh God…” Jin hid his face in his palms and tried to regain composure.
„What do you mean by „worse”?” He was afraid to ask, but he had to. His heart pounded so fast, he wanted to cry. What had happened to Kazuya? He was recovering so quickly, day by day and everyone was so happy.
„I talked to his mother after the nurse told us to leave. She said, not much after you left, Kamenashi’s body began to shake and he fell into a shock. The doctors gave him medicine and they succeeded in stabilizing his state, but he had to put back to the machines again.” Pi sighed and saw Jin’s face fell sadder and sadder after every word.
„It is my fault…” Jin whispered. „After he heared his girlfriend I think he came to realize what all I have done to him and… he got worse. I… I am afraid he will be more worse if I visit him again… but I have to apologize.. I have to say sorry to him because of what I did.”
„Jin…” Pi touched Jin’s shoulder in a friendly way. „Stop the nonsense. No matter what you did, I am sure it is not your fault.”
„It is Pi… you don’t know what I have done!! I kissed him on the lips, I sang for him, I whispered him loving words… I behaved like a lover. Telling him every day that if he comes back we will be together.. God, I even told him I will… marry him.” Jin wanted to hide now. Why is he telling Yamapi this all? Maybe it is the aftereffect of the alcohol, or just his desperation.
„Ehh.. you did what?” At this, Yamapi was really surprised, but soon he thought he shouldn’t be so suprisd, Jin didn’t gain the nickname Bakanishi for nothing.
„See? I must have shocked him.” Jin sighed helplessly.
„Jin you… think he really hears what we say? I don’t want to disappoint you or anything, but…”
„I believe in it… i want to believe in it. Pi.. I sometimes.. I could swear I hear his voice calling my name.”
„And what did he say? „Akanishi leave immediately”?” Pi tried to ease the tension by this tease but he saw he didn’t succeed, Jin didn’t smile, he looked more lost. „Hey… I don’t think Kamenashi mind what you have said.”
At that Jin looked at him in disbelief.
„I mean… Jin, I noticed how he is looking at you sometimes… and when we filmed Nobuta together, I saw him sitting alone, looking at a picture of you in a magazin and he was sad. He cares for you-„
„Not anymore.” Jin cut him off, but he was surprised hearing that. Kazuya really did things like that?
„You really think so? You think Kamenashi would just hate you? Open your eyes Jin! You might not remember but yesterday you told me he saved you and that caused the accident. Do you think if he doesn’t care he would have saved you?”
„But… he has a girlfriend…”
At that Yamapi fell silent.
„Well… I have never seen the girl before and I highly doubt this is the kind of girl Kamenashi falls for.”
„What do you want to say with that??” Jin’s eyes widened.
„Nothing, but… don’t you say it is suspicious?”
„What?? You think that someone could come and lie like this? Noone has the guts to do it Pi. No girl is that crazy. It would be too risky. If it is not true and Kazuya wakes up how do you think he would react? He would sue the girl and she might go to jail. No Pi… you are really sweet for trying to make me smile again, but I don’t believe this. Sorry, there is nothing suspicious.”
Yamapi just sighed and he looked at Jin surprised when the other got out of bed and grabbed his jeans to change from his pajamas.
„You should rest.” protested Pi and stood up, trying to make Jin lay down again by grabbing the taller man’s arm. Jin looked at him, not able to struggle, he was not in that state.
„Let me go. I have to see him, I have to apologize and maybe after that he will be better.” Jin looked into Yamapi’s eyes. „Please Pi. I have to go. I must go.”
„You are not in the state to go there Jin and you know that. You look quite pale and… well… you look---„
„I don’t care Pi, I go. And you have to go to work anyway.” Jin pointed out.
„It is Sunday, I don’t have to. And neither you.” Pi smiled.
„It’s okay, i wouldn’t have gone anyway. I have more important thing to do now.” he grabbed his car keys, but Yamapi grabbed his hand.
„No. You are not driving.”
Jin began to feel irritated. He knew Yamapi wanted good, but he was way too stubborn to listen to him. He needed to go to tell Kazuya how sorry he was. He looked briefly at the rose he brought the other day to bring it to Kazuya. He brought it before he found out Kazuya has a girlfriend.
The rose lyed on the desk, it’s petals shine red, it’s thorn removed… Jin just stared at it blankly. Roses are wonderful, their shape, their scent… but they have thorns. It is just like love. Love can be beautiful, red as passion, heartwarming, but sometimes it can hurt… it shows it’s thorns… joy and agony come in the same set. Two hearts can be melted as one, but can be torn apart in this wayward world. So many forces are against love… love? People don’t really know what real love is. At least not many people. They just search for people to easy their loneliness. And then, after month or maybe years they move on, searching for others.
Jin didn’t want that. He was in love with Kazuya for so many years he lost count of it. And the only thing he ever did was pushing him away the more they grew into an adult. Because he was scared of what will happen if he gets too close to Kame. Scared that one day maybe he can’t surpress his feelings anymore and force Kazuya to do things he would never do on his own.
But after all what happened Jin felt more and more in love every day, he felt it is that something that people call real love. Or is it so strong because it is forbidden? Because he can never have a real relationship about of this? Jin was so glad when he tought they can be… but he had to see it is just his fairy tale.
„You know you can’t stop me Pi.” He said with a determined voice. His head still hurt, but he didn’t care.
„Okay, then I will drive you there.” Yamapi answered with the same tone in his voice.
„Thank you.” Jin smiled a little. Yamapi was a real friend, he was always there for him whenever he needed the other’s support. He knew he doesn’t have to be afraid that Pi tell everyone he is in love with Kazuya. He knew he doesn’t even need to ask him not to tell.
**
It was around 10:00 AM they arrived at the hospital. Pi parked his car and they headed into the building together. When they got to the floor where Kazuya’s room was, Jin looked at Pi, his eyes filled with sadness.
„Please Pi. I need to talk to him alone.” Pi nodded and patted his shoulder.
„Be strong Jin!” He was so worried for his friend.
Jin stepped to the dor and was about to open it when he froze and stoped, looking back at Pi with fear in his eyes.
„What if he hates me that much that he will be more worse just hearing my voice?” He asked concerned.
„Baka… he won’t. Just go!”
Jin took a deep breath and opened the door with trembling hands.
**
The Kazuya in the box sat next to the dark wall, darkness surrounded him, just the spot he was sitting were surrounded with faint light. He murmured a sad song, and put puddles onto each other
~”Dare da? dare da.. anata… watashi? watashi? anata… nani ga hoshii no? hoshii wa…eien…” ((Who is it? who is it… you..me? me? you… what do you want? I want… eternity))~ he sang this, he remembered from an anime he watched when he was a child.
As he put more puddles onto each other they crumbled and fell to the ground with faint thud sounds. It was the same as his life, he thought. Starting as a child, with hopes and dreams… then he wanted more and more and gained more and more. But people are like that… always want more and he was no exceptation. First he was a successful baseball player, then he got into Johnny’s. He thought, he will be glad if he just can sing in a band.. and then when he was placed into a band he thought he just want to debut… and as for feelings… he watched Jin from afar.. first he just wished even if they never can be lovers he wished to be his friend… when he became his friend he wished to be more. Every wish is a puddle… and when there are so many wishes and the one always ecxeed the other, it just will be too much and scramble… collapse… and when it does, the person feel blank… feel left alone and scared.
Suddenly he felt a warm sensation run through his body and it felt so wonderful, he started to feel less numb and more alive. What could it be?
„Kazuya…” he heard a voice he thought he may not hear anymore. A voice that he held so dear, that he loved so much and finally he realized what it was. His body and heart noticed Jin stepped into the room.
~Jin? Jin!! Oh God.. Jin!! Y..You are really here? I missed you so much!!! I…~ the Kauya in the box tried to stand and he succeeded, and far away, the blurry outline of a door appeared again. He wished nothing more than Jin to kiss him again, tell him he realized the girl is lying.
It was only seconds or minutes since Jin was there with him in the room but he soon felt better. But Jin was so silent. He just kept saying nothing for long moments and Kazuya didn’t even feel Jin’s hand in his like he used to.
~Say something love…please~
„Kazuya, if you really heard everything I told you before… and felt everything I did to you before… I know you are angry at me.” It was so heart wretching to see Kazuya lying between machines again. It remembered Jin the first day he came to a visit.
~Angry?? No Jin, I am not! I welcomed every of your word, every of your touch… and you don’t know how much I wanted to return them. All the affection I got from you.~
Jin walked to the bed and Kazuya felt his prescence near, but Jin didn’t touch him, he stayed away.
„Maybe you getting worse is my fault.. because you had enough of the things I did to you.”
The Kazuya in the box desperately wanted to run to the differcion of the silhouette he saw… yes… he saw Jin’s silhouette, but he couldn’t move.
~Your fault?? You think it is your fault? Baka… you are so baka... I can never have enough of your touches and sweet words… Really Jin… when I wake up I will kick you so hard on the ass…~
„I am sorry Kazuya! Maybe you will never fogive me and I can understand if you don’t, but just know I am sorry!!” Jin bowed deeply, his voice wavered as tears escaped his eyes. „I didn’t know you have a girlfirend! Oh God, what have I done…”
~Jin? I love you!! Only you!! I loved you since we first met and became addicted to you since then. I don’t have a girlfriend, and there is nothing to be forgiven for. You keep me alive…. you are my light… God, please… let this words reach Jin somehow… give him a sign, something anything… I can’t do it, I can’t respond to him… let a miracle happen please! He has to know… I can’t bear to hear him suffer like this. How could I tell him he did nothing wrong?~
Where is the always cheerful Jinjin who gave him so much power to live on and become healthy? The Jin who teased him even in coma and played with the crane like a child… that time, he could see Jin’s outlines. Now not anymore… for fleeting second he can see it, but as his state got worse so his senses got number. Where is his hope for the love of his life? That girl took him away from him.
Kazuya wished he could turn back time. As he listened to Jin’s tearful begging to forgive him, the Kazuya in the box started to cry silently and curled up in a ball, hugging his knees tightly.
~There is nothing to be forgiven. Jin, If you walk out of that door now and never come back to visit me again, that will be the thing i won’t forgive you.~ Kazuya thought desperately, but he knew he would forgive it. He would forgive Jin everything. He felt so scared that now Jin will move on with his life and find someone for himself.
~No.. Jin is not like that.. he is not… he willl… what? wait for me? I think I should wake up from my illusion.~
„If you want I… will never disturb you again. I want you to be healthy and not always getting worse because of the things that happen around you.”
~Then stay… be with me. Can you hear me Akanishi Jin??? Stay with me.~ Kazuya in the box shouted out, but the words didn’t reach Jin.
„But I want you to know that I am always here for you. You can come to me whenever you are sad, I will be your shoulder to cry on. I will make everything good, I promise and keep my distance. But if you need a best friend I will be there in 24 hours of the day if you want me to. I would even sacrifice my life.”
~Jin… I want you to… I want you to be there… in every second of my life… talking, laughing, kissing…. Together…everywhere together.I would love you the same you love me. And… do you know what I dreamed some night? That we were sitting above a cloud, and you held me tight, you caressed me and whispered to me. It was wonderful.. Jin, I want the times you came here greeting me with a kiss. I want them back.~
Jin fell silent and Kazuya prayed for him to hear his inner words.
„Kazuya, for me, only your happiness is what matter. If you are happy like this… I can be happy too knowing you have the light in your life.”
~Yes I have it and it is you Jin. My happiness is you.~
At that time the door opened and Chinami walked in with a rose in her hand. This rose… Kazuya felt the scent.. it was not the same kind of rose Jin always brought… Whenever he felt a little sad the scent of Jin’s roses lingered in his nose. The roses that were on his table next to the bed. They guarded him and brought him a sense of comfort until Jin arrived. But now, it is all over.
„Oh… konnichi wa Akanishi-kun!” She bowed and Jin tried not to show how sad he became all of a sudden.
„Yo.” he bowed his head a little. his heart ached as Chinami run to Kazuya’s side.
„Love!! I missed you so much! How are you today? I bought rose, I hope you like it!”
~No. I don’t. I hate it as much as I hate you. Go away immediately and let Jin and me alone.~ Kazuya felt so frustrated and angry.
~And if you call me love again in front of Jin, the day I wake up from this shitty coma I will make you pay!~ he knew _IF_ he wakes up. The only thing that kept him alive now was that he has to come back to end Jin’s sufferings and confess him. He couldn’t imagine what would happen if Jin gets himself a girlfriend as long as he is lying here unable to respond.
„I gotta go. Bye Chinami-chan and… Kazuya, get better soon.” He really tried hard not to cry and he managed to keep his tears unshed while he was walking out of the room. He looked around but didn’t see Pi anywhere.
„Gah… that bastard.. left me here?” he hissed.
„A..Akanishi-kun…” he heard a voice from behind him and he spun around, seeing Kazuya’s nurse standing in front of him.
„Yo.” he greeted shortly.
„I… would like to tell you..that I am sorry for what happened with your friend. If you need someone to… comfort you just know that.. „ she blushed „I will be there.”
Jin smiled faintly. Comfort him? There is only one person in the world that could do it and that person will never do it.
„Thanks.” he muttered. This girl seem nice, Jin thought. There were days he came to Kazuya and felt down, this girl always told him „cheer up” and such. They never talked for long, why should they have had? But the girl always seemed to care. Jin hoped she didn’t fall for him, because then the girl will be hurt.
„Y…You remember my name right?” she asked sheepishly.
„Yes I do Tomoko-chan. Thanks for your kind words and that you always want to help me coping with my sadness. Take care.” Jin was about to leave when the girl sudden words made him stop.
„I love you Akanishi-kun.” Tomoko knew very well that Jin is in love with Kazuya, but she hoped this bond is not so strong and after Jin finds out about Kazuya’s girlfriend he will just move on. Tomoko couldn’t deciede if Jin is overly sad because of the state of the other or sad because of one-sided love.
When Jin turned around to face her, her heart beated so fast she thought it could fly out of its place.
„I am sorry. I can never return your feelings.” Jin said with a sad but determined tone of voice. „Gomen ne.”
Tomoko wanted to say something, but Pi’s voice prevented her from doing it.
„Hey Jin, you alright?” he walked to his friend, bowing and saying hi to Tomoko in the way.
„Yes… I am.” Jin lied. In fact he was not. All these events shook him up badly and he felt weak, his head began to hurt again and he felt he is sweating. He was too exhausted and well, he had a heavy hangover.
Pi was not convienced, but decided not to argue about this.
„Come I will take you home.”
„Heh, you’d better, I thought you already left and leave me here. But anyway you are not brave enough to do that.” Jin teased, trying not to think of the fact he can faint in any minute. He really felt like shit.
„ I was in the bathroom you idiot. You think I could leave you here? Bakanishi!” Pi snapped back but a kind smile appeared on his face as he flung hisarm around the other’s shoulder, halfly to support him, halfly out of friendship.
„I can walk alone baka. I am not phisically retarded.” Jin groaned.
„No, that you are not, you are only mentally retarded.” Pi grinned.
„Woah! Shut up!” was the last sentence Tomoko heard as the two guys disappeared into the elevator.
As she watched them she felt jealousity. The man she fell crazily in love with had someone who he really loved and no matter what they planned with Chinami, Jin doesn’t give Kazuya up. How could he when he has such a good friend as Yamashita who supports him.
’I bet Yamashita knows about Jin’s little secret of loving Kazuya.’ Tomoko thought. Now, plan B.
She got her cellphone and dialed a number.
„Moshi moshi!” she heard a man at the other line of the phone.
„Hi Tsukasa. it’s me Tomoko. Are you still the editor of Daily Japanese newspaper?”
„Yes, I am. Why?”
„You know… I have some information about Johnny’s. Are you interested?” She smirked.
„About JE? Woahh! Who the hell would not int be interested? Tell me!”
„Can we meet after I end work? Around 18:00 at the usual Café?” she chuckled.
„Yeah, today I have time, so see ya!”
Tomoko felt satisfied with herself. She was taught to never give up, whatever the cost of the doing is.
**
„So, what info do you have about JE?” Tsukasa asked as he sat down in front of Tomoko to the Café table.
„Well… Kamenashi Kazuya is said to be abroad ne?”
„Yeah, he is studying dance in London as far as I heard.” the mand got out his notebook.
„It is not true. He is in our hospital, in a coma.” Tomoko said and at that, the man snapped his head to look at her in disbelief.
„What??”
„Yes, he got into our hospital 1 month ago, and his girlfriend is taking care of him.”
„He has a girlfriend?? Woah!” the boy wrote everything down into his notebook. „This will be the top article. Do you know what caused the accident?” He asked.
„Hmmm… I am not sure, buti t has to do something with Akanishi. Yamashita told me.”
„Woo Tomo-chan, you are friend with them? Great! You mean Yamashita told you Akanishi caused the accident or what?”
„Yes, exactly, but he told me to keep it in secret, but I feel sorry for Kazuya so much. I wonder why Akanishi did this.”
„Oh, we will write about it don’t worry, we will improvise. Sugeee~ with this article we will be the number one newspaper. Do you know the name of Kazuya’s girlfriend?”
„Yes. Her name is Wada Chinami.”
The journalist noted everything and grinned.
„Thanks Tomo-chan, I owe you something.”
„Yes, exactly… don’t dare to mention my name.” she said it with a serious face.
„Oh, I won’t I know if I do you wont be my info-lady anymore.” Tomoko chuckled at the weird expression again.
„Good boy.”
'Now I will have plenty of reason to comfort Akanishi-kun. First the one who he is in love with got a girfriend.. now, his best friend betrays him. bad baaad Yamashita. And then, he will be bullshitted that the accident is his fault. Oh, I am a genius! Tomoko, you will get this man!’ she tought to herself, totally pleased.
**
To be continued.
AN: Sorry that the update took me so long!! >< I was busy with my Japanese trip and all. Gomen! And don’t kill me please becasue of the girls, I hate them too.
I am sorry I had no time to reread this really, I am busy nowdays, my train leaves in an hour and I wanted to post it, becaseu I won’t have net access for a week. So, sorry for mispelling or grammar error ><;;;
The song Kazuya is singing from the anime: Vampire Princess Miyu
As always, comments are love!! <333
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