#Fic# Unable to respond //chapter 19//
Title: Unable to respond /chapter 19/
Author: Kazu (tanakakoki_fan )
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, romance
Disclaimer: I don’t own them!
Warning: still unbetaed.
Summary: Kame is closed in his own world… he can feel he can hear, but can’t respond. Will Jin’s love give him the light to live on?
AN: ok, I officially shame myself... again. Sorry that it again took me so long to update!! Hope you didnt forget the story yet ^^;;;
Chapter 19
He was more than shocked, angry, furious, but he just couldn't move. Everything he heard on the tape got his common sense and made him freeze. How, just how can someone be THIS evil?! Damn that bitch, damn her.
Jin's first thought was to kill her, go there and make her suffer a slow and painful death, giving her back all the pain she caused. He knew that wishing people to die was not a great thing but he couldnt help to wish the girl death.
He was panting from the fury, but he closed his eyes. He had to calm down, he had to be strong and do what was best for Kazuya.
"Damn it!! Everything is because of me, enough enough!! I am sorry Kazuya...I am so soo so sorry." He shouted, but the end of the sentence was merely above a whisper.
His face showed sorrow, desperation and tiredness. He just sat there, knowing he can't tell anyone he heard the tape, he can't strangle the girl next time he met her.
He had to act...again...as always. No matter how he decided not to, he knew, the situation got a turn and he again had to be THE actor. The fake Akanishi Jin.
He sighed. So Pi knew it. Did the others know it too? The first thought that crossed his head that why they didn't tell him, but after he managed to calm down he understood it. And he was slightly touched how Pi was talking about Kame and about their situation to the girl. Yes...he didn't believe, not even for a moment that Pi was working against him.
It will be hard. Not to show he knows everything, not to pour out his anger or heart, or the way he really wanted to behave.
Sorry everyone... but now... I have to mislead everyone... even you, Kazuya can't know what I really think or feel.
Can he do it? He was almost sure he can't act that good to deceive his friends with his actions. And somewhere deep inside of his heart he hoped it. He hoped they will know what the truth was.
For a long time Jin didn't know what to do. He was thinking about the dream, about the past, about Kazuya, what would be the best for him?
He caused Kazuya enough pain already. He cant just fuck up his carrier. And because of that crazy girl even Kazuya's life was in danger. And the girl was the nurse there. She can do it anytime and Jin knew she was not normal, she could do it without thinking about consequences and would never be caught. It wouldn't be that much of a miracle if Kame died after almost one year of coma.
Where was justice? Jin had to ask it again but no answer came...justice died.
Everyone is a marionette and their strings are pulled by evil people or fate. Some of them doesn't even notice it.
Life is like a game and who is powerful enough by connections is the winner and can determine other's lives. Most of the times corrupt people gain the most powerful places, because they don't care what method they use to get to the top. Lying, murdering...for those people only money what counts.
Is it fair like this?
And time...time was working against him too...When can he break free from being someone's marionette?
{Somebody said time is on my side
it is not true, wandering lost everyday
and when I notice it, I am controlled by someone
I am a marionette
you are a marionette
so what?!
Don't talk about things you don't see!
I feel now, I feel it it's flowing
the only world I see
there is the you that is not fake}
Just Kazuya was true...he was the only pure thing to him in this world. He knew Kazuya could act fake and he could even mislead Jin... or he couldn't? Maybe Jin always knew what Kame really felt just didn't want to acknowledge it?
Now...Right now it is his turn to make up for all the pain he caused the younger one. For the first time, he mustn't think about the future, he has to think about what is happening now.
How to make this situation better. He hated to lie, he was more than mad at the girl but he knew, to protect Kazuya it was the best if he -for the last time- plays along with everyone's lie.
He had to chuckle bitterly. People will believe it, because everyone believes what they see without looking behind the surface. Isn't it ridiculous?
{What do you see tomorrow? I don't believe
I don't believe anything just the "now" that is in front of my eyes
To burn in this moment
inside of you, right now}
{Lets meet again, we kiss and part, is it?
I don't know what I do without you
I don't need love game
I am a marionette, you are a marionette
so what?!}
So...he once again had to play the Akanishi Jin he was not. But now not because of fame, because of love. Because of the love and gratefulness he was feeling for Kazuya and it made him easier to wear the mask, letting himself be controlled...like a marionette.
What does he have to do? Say he kissed the girl, he slept with her? Or that they will marry? Or break up soon?
He didn't want to play this "love game" at all. Not because people will once again think he was a playboy, but because of his and Kazuya's sake. He was always praying that Kazuya heard what he was saying...now he was praying for the opposite.
'I am sorry Kazuya. I have to play along. But I love you for forever and will wait for you until you wake up.'
Kazuya had an uneasy feeling...that something will change. He didn't know why, but he felt a strong determination from Jin. It was weird coz Jin was not even there with him. Tho he shouldn't be surprised he should already know how strong their bond got. And it will stay, will it? He trusted Jin.
{Lets wrap this FAKE with love, believe, it flows
surely in your one world, there is the me that is not fake}
Jin took a big breath. He hoped even if Kazuya heard and acknowledged the things he was going to do the other believed that he loved him. That it is all fake...the love for his so called girlfriend, the behaviour he will act from now on for a while...he hoped Kazuya knows that it is a fake him...and the him that is not fake, is Kazuya's forever.
He grabbed his phone and with a determined expression he dialed a number.
"Johnny-san? It's me, Akanishi."
***
Tomoko was really nervous. What was this all about? She, getting a phone call from Akanishi Jin to meet at a park in the evening. Could it be she got Jin? But the magazine with the article what she planned was not out yet. She really was confused and didn't understand anything at all. Or maybe Jin found out about her and wanted revenge? 'That would be the end of your little Kazuya.' She thought to herself as she grinned. Oh, she will get this man.
Now or never.
She saw a black car stopping nearby at the parking lot and Jin's silhouette in it. Her heart began to race. She didn't care what a person Jin was inside, she just cared of his body and that he was famous. Tomoko was the type of girl who didn't really care for feelings, for soul, for the inside. Jin had great body and surely a great cock size and that was all what mattered.
Jin glanced out of the window when he was parking his car and had to gain all his strength to be able to keep a straight face and not hitting the girl with the car or just throw her into the sea from the bridge of the park. No. He had to be strong for Kazuya.
'You can do it! Yossha!' he said to himself and nodded. It was all in the plan. He knew it all. He knew he had to watch every of his step not to slip and really kill the girl, because the paparazzi was supposed to take photos of them. He had to look normal -even happy- next to the girl.
"Hey" he greeted the girl and could even force a smile.
"Akanishi-san!" Tomoko immediately got into her role too, the shy and innocent, blushy girl who is so much in love but is too miserable to do something about it. The angel who only wants good for Jin. And she was sure of herself. Sure that she can get everything and everyone. Why? Because she was she.
Jin was disgusted. Now that he knew Tomoko's real nature it was just disgusting what the other did. Tho he must admit she did it well. She could be a great actress and he knew she would be one of the most famous. Not just because of talent, but because anyone could get her in that way too.
"I am sorry, did I make you wait Tomoko-chan? I can call you like this, right?" he smiled sweetly. If she can act good, then he wont lose in that. He was the professional actor after all.
"O...of course...Akanishi-san..." Tomoko looked down and started to fidget with her feet.
"Jin." the man said and winked. "For you just Jin." he hated this so very much, but he knew it was necessary. He once remembered Johnny arranged an "accident" in which one of his senpai lost his mother. Why? Just because that senpai had enough and said he didn't want to do certain things. He didn't want that to happen to Kazuya or his family.
Tomoko was surprised. This was the last thing she was expecting and looked at Jin in awe. What happened all of a sudden? Can it be her beauty charmed Jin? Yes, surely it was the case. Who can resist her after all? Noone in this world.
"J...Jin." She babbled and blushed more.
'Eii, damn good of an actress! I feel like throwing up.' Jin thought in himself but managed not to make a face.
"So...Jin, why did you want to meet me?" the girl asked and stepped closer. Seducing plan starts.
"Oh, I just wanted to tell you thank you for your advices and that you are taking care of Kazuya." This was the biggest lie he had ever said.
"Oh, it's okay, taking care of Kamenashi-san is my job and i am happy to be able to fulfill that task and about you...I...am and was always on your side, so it is an of course thing I help you." She stepped even closer.
Jin wanted to step away. To just grab that "pretty" scarf around the girl's neck and strangle her with it. As he observed her, she was the girl she wouldnt date even if she was the only person alive on Earth. She was wearing too much makeup and the clothes she had on were totally out of season and showed more than he would like to see. The typical chick men whistle to and call a bitch.
He knew noone can be judged by how she looks like and Jin was not the person who easily judged people by outlook, but he knew that in Tomoko's case it was not the case that a kind and warm soul hid under the bitchy outlook. Of course surely Tomoko had good things in her too, just Jin didn't see them yet.
And for him, who wanted to kill his Kazuya and making cruel games with people was definitely not a good person.
"If it's okay with you I would like to invite you to a restaurant. I know a very good one nearby." Jin said with a goofy smile but inside of him he kept encouraging himself: youcandoityoucandoit!
"Oh...of..course it is okay, I am happy for it." Tomoko looked up and smiled wholeheartedly. Oh yes, she won. It was written in the stars. Of course she defeated a man. Anyway man and man relationship? Disgusting.
The so called date went quite well. Tho Jin was very tired at the end. It was really exhausting acting all the time, doing the 100% opposite of what he was feeling, playing the man who started to realize how much in love he was. He felt nauseous the whole time, especially when he had to hug the girl. No kissing, that was just no.
He didn't no anything more than a hug and that was just for the paparazzi, but that was disgusting enough. There were moments he thought he couldn't bear it any longer, but then Kame's picture popped into his head, making him strong. So, the day finally ended with Jin returning to his own apartment and falling onto the bed immediately. He knew what awaits him the next day and he didn't know if he was strong enough, but he swore himself he was going to continue to do his best.
***
"What is this shit?!?" Koki couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the tabloids the other day. It was full of how Jin's supposed girlfriend confessed the media it was Johnny who made Jin say that thing in the press conference and how they both, Jin and Kazuya already have serious relationship with their girlfriends. There was even paparazzi picture of the girl and Jin was next to her. Koki's eyes almost fell out. How was it possible? Wasn't Jin in love with Kame?
He knew that tabloids were never true, but what shocked him was the picture. It was really Jin standing next to the girl.
Everyone started at Jin as the other opened the door and entered the room, muttering a faint greeting. Koki popped up from his seat and ran to him, showing the newspaper he was holding with the paparazzi picture.
"What is this?! Did you know about this??" He asked, hoping it was just a mistake.
Jin looked at it with a straight face. Until now the act was perfect, Tomoko was mislead now he only needed to mislead his friends. Can he? He somewhere deep inside really hoped he cant. Now it will turn out who real friends were. Real friends would never ever believe this. Or was he just too naive?
"Of course I knew, and guys... I have to tell you something."
He felt uncomfortable as he felt the stares of his bandmantes on him.
"I...made up my mind. I cant screw Kazuya's carrier like this and...I decided to... give a chance to another lifestyle. Tomoko confessed me earlier but I told her I can't love her. That I already found my destined one, but..."
He took a deep breath. Just how cruel face was? Really..."Yesterday I met her because she wanted to talk to me about something and I...we talked about a lot of things. She seems to be a nice girl."
"Nice girl?!?" Koki shouted wide eyed, angry. For a second he felt really disappointed, but then he just couldn't believe it was true. "That girl is the devil itself!!"
"You don't know her Koki. I know her better." Jin opposed. He really needed all his acting skills to be able to defend Tomoko. What a disgusting role he had to play!
"You don't know her!! Should I tell you something?? She--"
"KOKI!" Ueda cut him off and shook his head. That was the movement Jin realized from...T-TUN knew it too. They knew about the tape, about what Tomoko was planning, didn't they? That's why they met so much with Pi and went to visit Kazuya so much, right? For a fleeting second Jin found it unfair why only he was the one who noone said a word, but he slowly started to understand. Common sense... If he was in the place of his friends, he didn't tell himself either. However he needed to keep his act going.
"And besides...Kazuya has a girlfriend. I can't know if he loved me the same way, but I suppose not. It doesn't have future. And I decided to love this girl." Heh... he couldn't love Tomoko even if she was the last person on Earth.
"WHAT?!? Are you allright Akanishi?!?!?" Koki's eyes widened more, looking at the other shocked. This just can't be true. No, something is fishy... something HAD to be fishy! Jin wouldnt say something like that. No way!
"I am perfectly fine Koki. I have been talking to Johnny-san and he approved it too. He said this was the first time I do something right. It was about the time already anyway. Even I have to obey rules."
Okay, this was it. Now everyone, even Junno thought there was something wrong.
"Okay okay, stop it right there man. Akanishi Jin would NEVER say he should obey rules, he would NEVER say he gave up on Kame-chan, he would NEVER be glad about Johnny praising him and happy he did what the old man wanted. Who are you? A doppelganger? Or why are you lying to us?!" Koki was afraid that it may be true. Not because he didn't believe in Jin, but because he was afraid the other broke completely. In soul, in nerves, in every aspect and went kind of crazy. Crazy enough to settle down into a life he didn't want, and the reason the rapper thought it might be true was because of how Jin started this conversation: he cant screw Kazuya's carrier. What if Jin really thought such a crap?
"Why would I lie to you?" Jin said calmly, looking into Koki's eyes with exhausted eyes which lost their shine long ago. Koki just stared back at Jin desperately searching something in the other's gaze. Something, anything that proved Jin lied.
Ueda sighed and looked around. "Because you found out something we tried to hide from you." He said with a determined face and voice and Jin snapped his head to Ueda's direction.
"You think you can protect him more by pulling this act, Jin?" He asked seriously, walking next to the other, putting his hand onto his shoulder. "Jin, remember your own words, that you never give up."
"Ueda, I..." The other hushed him and smiled softly. "Do you know where he is?" he asked then touched the spot where Jin's heart was.
"Here. And he is believing you, waiting for you time to come. So better not make him confused and sad!" He winked tho it was out of his character. But nowdays he and all of the others too would do anything and behave anyhow just to make Jin at least a little better.
"Tacchan..." Jin's eyes watered as he looked at the man gratefully.
"We know about it too. And Jin, we help you. I know you have been through a lot this past year and that you were or are confused who you can trust in, but please believe me. You can trust me. You can trust us. Koki,
Taguchi, Nakamaru and Yamapi. We are all on your side and were always."
Jin knew it was not manly to cry in front of people and he cried way too much lately but a stubborn teardrop slipped from his eye. Yes, he had real friends. Real and true friends who he couldn't mislead. Who no matter how many times he was fighting with the past, in need and trouble are there. That was always KAT-TUN's strength. And Yamapi... he was there for him for so many years he lost count of.
"Yes Akanishi! We support you!" Koki nodded his head and hit the other's back friendly.
"Of course we do!" Maru joined in and patted Jin's free shoulder.
"Yes, and always will!" Junno ruffled into Jin's hair friendly and all of them except Jin looked at him gaped.
"Taguchi, what are you doing??"
The tall man looked down, feeling nervous and embarrassed. Will he be kicked? Will he get yelled?
"I...ehmm just thought I... I wanted to express my support to Akanishi-kun too." He somewhat pouted, but shut his eyes expecting a kick. But it never came. Koki just went behind him, pushing him into a surprised Jin's arms.
"Uwaa! Sorry Akanishi-kun!" He said panicked, but to his surprised Jin hugged him tight, a few more tears escaping his eyes. He felt grateful to his band. How moody he could be sometimes, how fucker he was with them in the past, opposed everything what they suggested, getting angry at them when they didn't want to go along with some of his ideas. But now he realized. Those were not really problems. People always think they have such a big problem. They make a fuss about little things thinking they are the biggest problem in life. And when the real tragedy comes do they realize...what they were worrying about, what they were getting pissed about was not that big of a problem they thought it to be.
"Thank you! Thank you all so much!" Jin just could whisper this, he was too touched to speak normally and let his tears out, hugging his bandmate tight.
****
Kazuya's parents were heading to the hospital in the morning. It was not so early, around 8 o'clock, but they had a very tight schedule for the day. They needed to visit a relative living outside of Tokyo with long hours by car and in the evening they had a meeting with another relative in Tokyo. That's why they didn't even had the time to watch morning news or read newspaper. There couldn't be a day they didn't visit their son, so that s why they decided to go in early.
Meanwhile Tomoko grinned down at Kazuya, holding the newspaper in her hand totally pleased. She never felt this satisfied before. It was only a matter of days and he can get Jin into her bed, right? Oh how good life was! She won. She finally won over Kazuya and of course it was an obvious thing. She always thought, no! KNEW she is better. It had to be this way. Akanishi was not that stupid after all, he chose what was the best for him. She was more beautiful than Kazuya anyway and not to forget a girl. The perfect match for Jin.
She nodded and placed the newspaper onto the table. What was it for? To show Kazuya her victory. Like this, no matter who, will speak about her and Jin together and Kame will hear it. Might as well die from heartache. Oh how good it would be!
She couldn't kill Kazuya anyway, because of Chinami. The girl threatened her not to dare because then she will tell everything about Tomoko and do something to Jin as revenge. What a bitch! But neither Yamashita, neither the others knew about this little fact, so her threatening was perfect. This is the key in life. No matter if you lie or not, you have to seem confident and sure. Present yourself in a way noone dares to oppose. If they do, then find an excuse and turn the story the way they will feel guilty at the end, tho you are the one who is not right. She always lived like this.
She heard voices from outside and recognized immediately that it belonged to Kazuya's parents. Perfect! Kazuya's father hates Jin anyway, now he will just hate him more. And even if she cant make her plan or needs more time, the father will help her without knowing it. She quickly left the room not to be noticed by the parents.
She didn't want to be there when they discover the newspaper. Or maybe they already knew about it. Anyway, she was sure they will speak about it.
'Deserves you right Kamenashi. Suffer! Suffer more and more!' she grinned and walked away.
When arriving to the door, Kame's mother opened the door and they walked in next to the bed.
"Kazuya, good morning. How are you sweetheart?" Nao asked, tho she knew she wont get a reply.
~Missing Jin.~ The Kazuya in the box sighed. He really started to be bored of the dark. He wanted to wake up finally.
Nao thought it was weird her husband said nothing and turned her head in the direction of the man. She noticed him standing next to the table with wide eyes, rage evident in the deep brown eyes. Kazuya's father was mad beyond belief as he stared at the newspaper, not even being able to blink.
"That son of a bitch!!" He swore startling his wife and Kazuya too.
"What happened?" Nao asked worried and before she could blink the man tossed the newspaper into her hand. She looked at the man with raised eyebrows but when she started to read her eyes widened and his expression darkened too.
'The girlfriend of Akanishi Jin revealed
The girlfriend of Akanishi Jin from the famous band KAT-TUN revealed herself, speaking about the press conference that was held few days ago. She told our journalist she was shocked hearing his boyfriend's declaration about his bandmate Kamenashi Kazuya. Miss Tomoko said that she and Akanishi got together recently, tho they had to deny it due to the rules of Johnny's Jimusho. The president, Johnny H. Kitagawa commented on the happenings, admitting the couple are dating. The young idol, Akanishi Jin said that he is tired of lying and shared with us that president Johnny made him say those words at the press conference, and apologized for the inconvenience he caused, tho the jimusho denies this fact. He also admitted that he and Kamenashi-san were not even in good relationship, tho he feels sorry for his current state and wishing him the best to recover.'
The mother didn't know what to think about this. Akanishi loved her son, didn't he? He was always there, this can't be true. This was surely just some rumour, but... she didn't know what to think about the pictures. On one Jin was even hugging the girl. What was that supposed to mean?
"Akanishi is a fucking bastard, I told you!" The man was really out of it. He felt the urge to tear the newspaper apart. He started to consider maybe Akanishi was really cared for his son, but seeing this just made him think he was even stupid for considering it.
~Why? What happened?~ The Kazuya in the box stood up, looking into the darkness. He had an uneasy feeling. Jin was not even there. What could happen all of a sudden that made his father go so ballistic?
"It is not sure it is true..." Nao tried to reason herself, but the man shook his head.
"Not true?! Are you that blind?? It writes the name of Akanishi's girlfriend is Tomoko. Kazuya's nurse had the same name!!" Just how could he? And even telling how bad their relationship was in the public. Did Kazuya deserve someone as a friend like Akanishi? The father knew Kazuya cared for the man deeply. He felt Jin betrayed his son completely with this.
Nao was at a loss of words. What should she believe? The name was indeed the same but... Akanishi was not like that. Was he?
~W..What?!~ The eyes of Kazuya in the box widened and he shook his head a little. ~Jin's girlfriend? Father, don't joke, Jin loves me, he doesn't have a girlfriend.~
Kazuya's legs started to tremble and they couldn't hold his weight anymore as the realization hit him. The name... was really the same as the name of the nurse. No, it can't be, Jin would never fall for her. No, his Jin could never. It must be a mistake, a rumour or a cruel play of Johnny.
"And the pictures. Do you think they can be fake too? And the date of them is yesterday!! Wake up Nao, he is not what you think him to be. He even confessed himself he lied at the conference!!" The man picked the newspaper up and read one sentence aloud.
"The young idol, Akanishi Jin said that he is tired of lying and shared with us that president Johnny made him say those words at the press conference." He hissed.
"What else do you need?!"
Nao looked at Kazuya worriedly, being afraid his condition will drop hearing that. How? How could Akanishi do it?
Kazuya's heart crashed into pieces. ~Pictures...? Yesterday? Tomoko?~
His heart and chest hurt. ~No. No no no!! Jin cant be like that, he cant!~
Kazuya tried not to panic, he didn't want to believe it. The Kazuya in the box took deep breath and shut his eyes, repeating in his head how it was not right. However scare grabbed his heart with its cold hands, made it be clenched, giving him the feeling how it is if he really lost Jin. How his dreams for the future are futile, how everything he hoped for, believed in were just a scattered letter being threw into the dustbin.
He didn't hear what his parents were talking about. All he could concentrate was not to feel worse and to keep the faith in Jin.
Yes, he won't believe this. He CAN'T believe this. Not until Jin confirmed it to him. Because he would do it, right? Jin didn't visit him the day before in the evening,
~But surely he had another reason than Tomoko, right...?~
So, Kazuya decided not to give up hope. Not until Jin comes and tells him to.
He never was this afraid of Jin's visit than now.
****
Jin was sure the news spread to everywhere. His parents, relatives, buddies, friends... and he was afraid Kazuya knew it too. Now he hope with all of his heart the other didn't know what a mess is going around here, or even if he heard the surrounding voices he couldn't really feel.
He was standing at the doorway of Yamapi's flat, ringing the bell.
"Hi!" He greeted the boy as soon as he opened the door and Pi invited him in. Jin hoped Pi will behave the same as his bandmates, looking through things.
"I know you found it." It was the first thing Yamapi said, showing the dictaphone he was holding in his hand. Jin nodded silently. The other boy sighed as he sat down onto the sofa in the living room, signaling Jin to follow.
"Exactly that's why I didn't want to tell you. Because I knew you will do something stupid. You just played along with Tomoko and Johnny." The younger man shook his head with a sigh, holding the newspaper up to make clear what he was talking about.
"I had no choice." Jin was glad Yamapi didn't even consider the article to be true. Actually, deep inside his heart he knew he would be totally surprised and disappointed in Yamapi if the other didn't react the way he did. He had really amazing friends, he had to realize it the second time of the day.
"I don't know if you noticed, but Kamenashi's mother likes you. But after this...I don't know what she is thinking about you, because...I know you but she doesn't really." It was not that Yamapi wanted to lecture Jin, he said these things because he was worried for the boy. He didn't want Jin's situation to be harder and he understood perfectly that Jin thought it was a way to protect Kame.
"I.. couldn't really think of that at the time when I set up this plan..." Jin said sheepishly. He cant always think of everything beforehand. It was never his strength in the past neither anyway.
"I know... Bakanishi." Yamapi smiled kindly and patted the top of Jin's head. How he really wished things were at least a little easier. "Call her. Talk to her."
Jin nodded his head, thinking back on his dream. The diary Kazuya was writing. He wanted to talk about it and this time he swore he will succeed. Kame's mother was a nice and understanding woman. She will give him a chance, won't she? At least let honesty win once in this corrupted and dirty world!
"It was my plan originally too. I have a thing to discuss with her anyway." Jin said and pulled his cellphone out of his pocket. He looked at the phone for some minute, collecting his thoughts and sighing a big as he started to dial the number. Please God, let at least this to go smooth please.
"Jin!" Pi said before he could push the call button.
"Hmm?" The man looked at him.
"Good luck!" Yamapi showed a thumb up.
"Thanks!" Jin smiled and meaning more than just this now. He thanked for everything Yamapi did for him so far. Without him and TTUN he wouldn't be able to survive for sure. He took another big breath and pushed the call button.
*****
It was chilly outside. The woman was standing in front of Jin, hurt was obvious in her eyes. Her husband was right about Akanishi after all? But how could he fake so much emotion and what was this good for? She decided she will listen to what Jin was about to say, that's why she came all the way here.
When her eyes met Jin's, she saw the sad, lost boy, the one who almost lost everything and is tired. She again started to feel sorry but her suspicion that maybe Jin could betray her son was still too strongly present. That's why she was saying nothing, not even greeting the boy just standing there, looking into his eyes motionless, studying him.
"Thank you for coming Mrs Kamenashi." Jin said in a soft tone. The woman nodded, still looking coldly at the young man.
"I hope you have an important thing to say Akanishi." She said in a tone that made Jin feel even more tired. How many people always just judged him by what the shit teller magazines wrote? How many so called friends told lies to the media to get money? He started to have enough of the world. What hurt him the most was that even who he thought could rely on, who he thought were on his side believed everything the media said about him not even trying to realize how fake Akanishi Jin was. Except of his closest friends of course. How he was just someone created, with real feelings suppressed. People...fans... could be so blind though he was so obvious. He could say things "oh how I am happy for this" and such with a face full of sourness, with eyes not glistening at all. And what fans say? That oh how happy Jin looked like. Happy? They don't even try to notice the man behind the mask. Or don't even care.
However he knew, the mother's case was different. Kazuya was her son. Of course she took it more dramatically and he could understand. His mother would have been the same shocked. But he was grateful the woman came.
"Yes, I would like to tell you everything and please listen to me until the end." He spoke very politely, using a respectful tone of voice.
The woman just nodded and she hoped deep in her heart that Jin was the guy she always thought him to be. True and loyal.
"I know that I made you and everyone painful a day, I am sorry about it. You know about the article as you already said in the phone and that Kazuya knows too. But I had to play along with Johnny to save Kazuya. I couldn't put him or you and your family in danger just because I was tired of lying and said my true feelings. Our entertainment company is hell if you look behind the curtains. Intrics, lies, manipulations... and who wants to go his own will, will pay the price. People will suffer, families will suffer...or will be even killed. Please understand Kazuya is too important to me to let something happen to him or who are dear to him." He stopped a little to regain his composure and not to let the tears out that threatened him. He decided he won't tell about Tomoko's plan of killing Kazuya. It wouldn't be a wise idea at all.
The mother watched him with softened expression.
"I... had a dream. In that dream...I saw Kazuya before the accident. I... don't know if it was just an illusion or a message he sent to me, but...I have to figure it out and for it I would like to ask for your help."
The woman didn't reply, but not because she was still angry or hurt, because she didn't trust her voice. THIS is the Akanishi she knew, this is the man she thought him to be. And she realized, people always should be given the chance to speak, to be listened at, no matter how angry one is of them. Maybe they had reason, maybe the anger in us clouds the right mind to notice things are not just black and white. Who we started to trust, we should give them the chance, not closing the door in front of them yelling mad things and feeding the monster of hate in our hearts.
"It is okay if you can't forgive me...but I just...need to know if it's real or not." He looked into the eyes of the mother with desperation and sadness mixing in his dark brown orbs.
"I saw Kazuya sitting at his desk writing something. I couldn't read what, but I guess it was a diary. In the dream he wore the same clothes as...on the day of the accident." His voice wavered a little when he pronounced the accident word. Sometimes he still couldn't believe it was all real.
"He took a notebook with a little lock on it out of his drawer of his desk. Then he went to his gardrobe, opening it and kneeling down to a box of clothes. Then...he removed the box from its place and under it there was a small red box. He opened it and there was a key in it which he opened the notebook with. Please Mrs Kamenashi, I have to know if the notebook is real or not. I..."
Nao couldn't bear it any longer and she went to Jin, pulling the surprised man into her arms, letting one tear escape. This is the person she wants her son to be with.
She hoped Kazuya loves this great young man and deep inside he knew it. That they were both male? It didn't count. The feeling and heart, those are what counts and she could tell, what Jin felt for his son was a strong, true love which even touched the ones next to them. She felt ashamed of herself how she could even consider to believe the article and that Jin was just lying about the love for her son.
"I am sorry Akanishi-kun, I am so sorry I doubted you!" She said with honesty in her wavering voice. When she calmed down a little she pulled away, looking into the man's eyes with her tear shimmering ones.
"As soon as I get home, the first thing I will do is going up to Kazuya's room and check if the diary is real or not."
Jin let his breath out in a relieved sigh which he didn't even notice he was holding back. He smiled and bowed a little. "Thank you Mrs Kamenashi."
"Nao." the woman said smiling and Jin's eyes widened. "Call me Nao."
Jin was very touched. It was a very big honour that he can call the woman on her given name. "Then...thank you Nao-san." He bowed more respectfully.
"And Akanishi-kun...don't give up. You are the best match for Kazuya in this world." This made Jin feel warm inside and he couldn't described the gratefulness and emotions he felt. To be accepted by someone after so much struggle, to get to know that he was trusted and it was Kazuya's mother who told him all these. Who accepted the love he felt for her precious son.
"Jin." He said with chocked emotions, his eyes were shining with gratefulness. "And I will never give up Nao-san. Thank you for your support. I love your son. And I will fight for him until the day I die."
That someone declares this so determined and true made Nao's heart warm up.
"Need a drive home Jin-kun?" the woman asked but Jin shook his head smiling.
"Thank you for offering, but no. I have something I need to do." Jin's eyes got soften and Nao understood it at once what that thing was.
"Explain him everything, I believe that he can hear you."
Jin nodded and with a last smile and bow, he turned around, starting to go in the direction of his car.
***
The hospital was silent. Lights shone only at the reception but even there, there was silence. A nurse was sitting at the counter of the reception and as she saw Jin she just smiled and nodded. She knew where the young idol was going. Jin knew Tomoko had the night off and was not working. Pretending to be close to her was quite handy too. He knew when she is at the hospital and like this he could protect Kazuya more.
He knew if Kazuya heard everything and was really in love with him, it must have been very painful. How could he know Jin was just pretending he liked Tomoko? Kazuya was not really in this world and even if he heard things, that was not enough to figure out Jin's actions. Was it?
Jin hoped their bond was strong enough for Kazuya to know he was only acting, playing a role. Or even if Kazuya was mislead too, Jin hoped he will figure out at once how fake it was and believe him. And even tho he once decided even Kazuya can't know the truth, he changed his mind. With Tomoko not around he can say it, tell everything to Kazuya and beg for forgiveness.
As he opened the door and looked at the bed, gentleness filled his eyes. In the dim moonlight Kazuya's body was illuminated and it gave a ghosty feeling to all, yet a gentle and secure atmosphere with a sleeping beauty.
Kazuya heard the door open and he felt immediately who it was. Jin. Fear and panic filled him, he felt how sad the other was. It was incredible how he could feel all of Jin's feeling. Day by day it was as if they became one more and more. What will Jin say? Come to him and apologize for falling in love with the girl? No. He can't. It can't happen. His heart was throbbing in his throat as he was waiting for the other to say something.
Jin approached the bed adoring the love of his life with sad eyes. How much pain he caused to this boy he couldn't even imagine. The pieces of puzzle were gathered together and the picture was complete. As clear as never before. Everything that happened between them.
[Face to face
I'm looking at you in a secret place]
This was their secret place, where they could be together, where he could say everything and Jin decided, once again he needed to tell Kazuya everything what he thought, everything about why he had to act as if Tomoko was his girlfriend. The truth. No fake.
[Undress the words so we say nothing fake
It's so much better when our words are naked]
It was so good, that only to the younger boy he could say everything and he had the faith the other was listening to him. Hearing him. Wasn't it much better to be honest in everything? People hardly find a person they can be totally honest with and trust unconditionally. Jin thanked God he found this person.
[We don't need space
I wanna hold you tight again
For us to feel each other's hearts at the "right place"
I guess this is why god made us like this]
He wanted to hold Kazuya again as in the other times...tho not as a best friend anymore. But seeing how his presence helped Kazuya to get better, how right he felt when the other was near him...he believed God made them for each other. Why he was so sure, why he got the strong feeling that the sleeping beauty returned his feelings he didn't know. But he felt it with his heart. His heart was at the right place only next to Kazuya. They had enough space for years. Enough of it, enough!
"Kazuya..." he whispered lovingly and did what he felt was the right thing.
[I said I love you, said I love you, said I love you
I still can't find any other words than "I Love You", let our
bodies do the talking]
He leaned over the younger man and without hesitation he touched their lips together, kissing his cinderella long...sweetly, putting all his feelings in it. All the love, all the hope, all the apologize because even like this, Jin believed. Acts can do thousand better than words. He didn't care for his own rule of not kissing Kazuya as long the other can't respond or kick him away, he didn't care of anything else. He hoped he was not wrong, he really hoped it. If there was a chance Kazuya didn't feel the same, then he considered himself being selfish. Tho...he doubted it was one sided. So much coincidence couldn't happen in chain. All the dreams, all the illusions, all the feeling as if Kazuya was near...They must mean something.
[I said I love you, said I love you, said I love you
I still can't find any other words than "I Love You", let our bodies do the talking
...love you
My body's talking to you]
The eyes of Kazuya in the box widened as he felt the lips on his own, the way as Jin never kissed him before. So sure, so determined...and so loving. He felt ashamed that he even considered Jin not loving him anymore. His heart started to pound fast in his chest which didn't hurt anymore. All the pain seemed to fade with every second the kiss lasted. He longed for the ability to kiss Jin back, to let the other feel what he was feeling, to let Jin know that he indeed loved the other back. Even if he couldn't speak, but he wished his body to talk to Jin. He wanted to give Jin proof. He was more keen on it after what had happened, after he got a taste of -even as if only in his imagination- how it was to lose Jin.
He wanted to raise his hand, circle them around the other's neck. But he couldn't...
~Jin...I love you.~
"I am sorry Kazuya..." Jin whispered with a sad expression, squeezing the hand in his. "I didn't want you to go through all of this. You know who I love." You know right? Tell me you do. Squeeze my hand... give a sign...just....GIVE A SIGN DAMN IT!!
Jin felt tears burn in his eyes. Why? Why why why why why?? It was enough! Long enough! He learned the lesson. He learned from his mistake. God, enough. Let him wake up!
Nothing is the same without him!
[Songs sound amazing with you
Views lose their beauty without you
It feels like I don't exist without you baby, without you baby, without you baby]
Jin's body was shaking and he shook his head, letting some unshead tear fall.
"Nothing is the same without you! Come back, Kazuya! Please! Please come back! Wake up! Not even songs, not even the world, not even my existence is the same without you. There is nothing for me, do you understand? Nothing without you! Nothing at all!!"
He was more messed up and crying more in each minute. He so tried to stay strong in front of Kazuya, but he failed miserably again...
~Jin...I see the door now. Wait...please just wait a little longer. I am going back to you. I really am going to!~ Kazuya tried to say it out loud, the Kazuya in the box was screaming the last sentence, but to the outside world... it was not even a silent whisper.
"Forgive me Kazuya....please... I love you...I love you...I love you!" Jin repeated it all over again, hoping that life will be a fairytale for once, letting Kazuya wake up from the words.
***
TBC
AN: Sorry that it again took me so long to update >< *hids* *shames self* I hope it was worth waiting ^^; I was quite unsure if you would like Jin's plan or not.
I again used songs as always. This time the lyric between {} is Right now from KAT-TUN (I translated it) and the lyric between [] is Body talk from Akanishi Jin.
Hope you enjoyed it~ (and I really try to update this story more often.)
Oh and thank you for the people who voted for this story in my poll. Since it won and I was already almost done with the chapter I pulled myself together and finished it. Tho the story is not finished yet. ^^
AN2: I am curious how many people are reading this fic. Its ok if you dont have the feel to comment, but then would you answer this poll? http://tanakakoki-fan.livejournal.com/196327.html (You can say no too i wont be angry or anything.) Thanksss ^^ yoroshiku~
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Author: Kazu (tanakakoki_fan )
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, romance
Disclaimer: I don’t own them!
Warning: still unbetaed.
Summary: Kame is closed in his own world… he can feel he can hear, but can’t respond. Will Jin’s love give him the light to live on?
AN: ok, I officially shame myself... again. Sorry that it again took me so long to update!! Hope you didnt forget the story yet ^^;;;
Chapter 19
He was more than shocked, angry, furious, but he just couldn't move. Everything he heard on the tape got his common sense and made him freeze. How, just how can someone be THIS evil?! Damn that bitch, damn her.
Jin's first thought was to kill her, go there and make her suffer a slow and painful death, giving her back all the pain she caused. He knew that wishing people to die was not a great thing but he couldnt help to wish the girl death.
He was panting from the fury, but he closed his eyes. He had to calm down, he had to be strong and do what was best for Kazuya.
"Damn it!! Everything is because of me, enough enough!! I am sorry Kazuya...I am so soo so sorry." He shouted, but the end of the sentence was merely above a whisper.
His face showed sorrow, desperation and tiredness. He just sat there, knowing he can't tell anyone he heard the tape, he can't strangle the girl next time he met her.
He had to act...again...as always. No matter how he decided not to, he knew, the situation got a turn and he again had to be THE actor. The fake Akanishi Jin.
He sighed. So Pi knew it. Did the others know it too? The first thought that crossed his head that why they didn't tell him, but after he managed to calm down he understood it. And he was slightly touched how Pi was talking about Kame and about their situation to the girl. Yes...he didn't believe, not even for a moment that Pi was working against him.
It will be hard. Not to show he knows everything, not to pour out his anger or heart, or the way he really wanted to behave.
Sorry everyone... but now... I have to mislead everyone... even you, Kazuya can't know what I really think or feel.
Can he do it? He was almost sure he can't act that good to deceive his friends with his actions. And somewhere deep inside of his heart he hoped it. He hoped they will know what the truth was.
For a long time Jin didn't know what to do. He was thinking about the dream, about the past, about Kazuya, what would be the best for him?
He caused Kazuya enough pain already. He cant just fuck up his carrier. And because of that crazy girl even Kazuya's life was in danger. And the girl was the nurse there. She can do it anytime and Jin knew she was not normal, she could do it without thinking about consequences and would never be caught. It wouldn't be that much of a miracle if Kame died after almost one year of coma.
Where was justice? Jin had to ask it again but no answer came...justice died.
Everyone is a marionette and their strings are pulled by evil people or fate. Some of them doesn't even notice it.
Life is like a game and who is powerful enough by connections is the winner and can determine other's lives. Most of the times corrupt people gain the most powerful places, because they don't care what method they use to get to the top. Lying, murdering...for those people only money what counts.
Is it fair like this?
And time...time was working against him too...When can he break free from being someone's marionette?
{Somebody said time is on my side
it is not true, wandering lost everyday
and when I notice it, I am controlled by someone
I am a marionette
you are a marionette
so what?!
Don't talk about things you don't see!
I feel now, I feel it it's flowing
the only world I see
there is the you that is not fake}
Just Kazuya was true...he was the only pure thing to him in this world. He knew Kazuya could act fake and he could even mislead Jin... or he couldn't? Maybe Jin always knew what Kame really felt just didn't want to acknowledge it?
Now...Right now it is his turn to make up for all the pain he caused the younger one. For the first time, he mustn't think about the future, he has to think about what is happening now.
How to make this situation better. He hated to lie, he was more than mad at the girl but he knew, to protect Kazuya it was the best if he -for the last time- plays along with everyone's lie.
He had to chuckle bitterly. People will believe it, because everyone believes what they see without looking behind the surface. Isn't it ridiculous?
{What do you see tomorrow? I don't believe
I don't believe anything just the "now" that is in front of my eyes
To burn in this moment
inside of you, right now}
{Lets meet again, we kiss and part, is it?
I don't know what I do without you
I don't need love game
I am a marionette, you are a marionette
so what?!}
So...he once again had to play the Akanishi Jin he was not. But now not because of fame, because of love. Because of the love and gratefulness he was feeling for Kazuya and it made him easier to wear the mask, letting himself be controlled...like a marionette.
What does he have to do? Say he kissed the girl, he slept with her? Or that they will marry? Or break up soon?
He didn't want to play this "love game" at all. Not because people will once again think he was a playboy, but because of his and Kazuya's sake. He was always praying that Kazuya heard what he was saying...now he was praying for the opposite.
'I am sorry Kazuya. I have to play along. But I love you for forever and will wait for you until you wake up.'
Kazuya had an uneasy feeling...that something will change. He didn't know why, but he felt a strong determination from Jin. It was weird coz Jin was not even there with him. Tho he shouldn't be surprised he should already know how strong their bond got. And it will stay, will it? He trusted Jin.
{Lets wrap this FAKE with love, believe, it flows
surely in your one world, there is the me that is not fake}
Jin took a big breath. He hoped even if Kazuya heard and acknowledged the things he was going to do the other believed that he loved him. That it is all fake...the love for his so called girlfriend, the behaviour he will act from now on for a while...he hoped Kazuya knows that it is a fake him...and the him that is not fake, is Kazuya's forever.
He grabbed his phone and with a determined expression he dialed a number.
"Johnny-san? It's me, Akanishi."
***
Tomoko was really nervous. What was this all about? She, getting a phone call from Akanishi Jin to meet at a park in the evening. Could it be she got Jin? But the magazine with the article what she planned was not out yet. She really was confused and didn't understand anything at all. Or maybe Jin found out about her and wanted revenge? 'That would be the end of your little Kazuya.' She thought to herself as she grinned. Oh, she will get this man.
Now or never.
She saw a black car stopping nearby at the parking lot and Jin's silhouette in it. Her heart began to race. She didn't care what a person Jin was inside, she just cared of his body and that he was famous. Tomoko was the type of girl who didn't really care for feelings, for soul, for the inside. Jin had great body and surely a great cock size and that was all what mattered.
Jin glanced out of the window when he was parking his car and had to gain all his strength to be able to keep a straight face and not hitting the girl with the car or just throw her into the sea from the bridge of the park. No. He had to be strong for Kazuya.
'You can do it! Yossha!' he said to himself and nodded. It was all in the plan. He knew it all. He knew he had to watch every of his step not to slip and really kill the girl, because the paparazzi was supposed to take photos of them. He had to look normal -even happy- next to the girl.
"Hey" he greeted the girl and could even force a smile.
"Akanishi-san!" Tomoko immediately got into her role too, the shy and innocent, blushy girl who is so much in love but is too miserable to do something about it. The angel who only wants good for Jin. And she was sure of herself. Sure that she can get everything and everyone. Why? Because she was she.
Jin was disgusted. Now that he knew Tomoko's real nature it was just disgusting what the other did. Tho he must admit she did it well. She could be a great actress and he knew she would be one of the most famous. Not just because of talent, but because anyone could get her in that way too.
"I am sorry, did I make you wait Tomoko-chan? I can call you like this, right?" he smiled sweetly. If she can act good, then he wont lose in that. He was the professional actor after all.
"O...of course...Akanishi-san..." Tomoko looked down and started to fidget with her feet.
"Jin." the man said and winked. "For you just Jin." he hated this so very much, but he knew it was necessary. He once remembered Johnny arranged an "accident" in which one of his senpai lost his mother. Why? Just because that senpai had enough and said he didn't want to do certain things. He didn't want that to happen to Kazuya or his family.
Tomoko was surprised. This was the last thing she was expecting and looked at Jin in awe. What happened all of a sudden? Can it be her beauty charmed Jin? Yes, surely it was the case. Who can resist her after all? Noone in this world.
"J...Jin." She babbled and blushed more.
'Eii, damn good of an actress! I feel like throwing up.' Jin thought in himself but managed not to make a face.
"So...Jin, why did you want to meet me?" the girl asked and stepped closer. Seducing plan starts.
"Oh, I just wanted to tell you thank you for your advices and that you are taking care of Kazuya." This was the biggest lie he had ever said.
"Oh, it's okay, taking care of Kamenashi-san is my job and i am happy to be able to fulfill that task and about you...I...am and was always on your side, so it is an of course thing I help you." She stepped even closer.
Jin wanted to step away. To just grab that "pretty" scarf around the girl's neck and strangle her with it. As he observed her, she was the girl she wouldnt date even if she was the only person alive on Earth. She was wearing too much makeup and the clothes she had on were totally out of season and showed more than he would like to see. The typical chick men whistle to and call a bitch.
He knew noone can be judged by how she looks like and Jin was not the person who easily judged people by outlook, but he knew that in Tomoko's case it was not the case that a kind and warm soul hid under the bitchy outlook. Of course surely Tomoko had good things in her too, just Jin didn't see them yet.
And for him, who wanted to kill his Kazuya and making cruel games with people was definitely not a good person.
"If it's okay with you I would like to invite you to a restaurant. I know a very good one nearby." Jin said with a goofy smile but inside of him he kept encouraging himself: youcandoityoucandoit!
"Oh...of..course it is okay, I am happy for it." Tomoko looked up and smiled wholeheartedly. Oh yes, she won. It was written in the stars. Of course she defeated a man. Anyway man and man relationship? Disgusting.
The so called date went quite well. Tho Jin was very tired at the end. It was really exhausting acting all the time, doing the 100% opposite of what he was feeling, playing the man who started to realize how much in love he was. He felt nauseous the whole time, especially when he had to hug the girl. No kissing, that was just no.
He didn't no anything more than a hug and that was just for the paparazzi, but that was disgusting enough. There were moments he thought he couldn't bear it any longer, but then Kame's picture popped into his head, making him strong. So, the day finally ended with Jin returning to his own apartment and falling onto the bed immediately. He knew what awaits him the next day and he didn't know if he was strong enough, but he swore himself he was going to continue to do his best.
***
"What is this shit?!?" Koki couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the tabloids the other day. It was full of how Jin's supposed girlfriend confessed the media it was Johnny who made Jin say that thing in the press conference and how they both, Jin and Kazuya already have serious relationship with their girlfriends. There was even paparazzi picture of the girl and Jin was next to her. Koki's eyes almost fell out. How was it possible? Wasn't Jin in love with Kame?
He knew that tabloids were never true, but what shocked him was the picture. It was really Jin standing next to the girl.
Everyone started at Jin as the other opened the door and entered the room, muttering a faint greeting. Koki popped up from his seat and ran to him, showing the newspaper he was holding with the paparazzi picture.
"What is this?! Did you know about this??" He asked, hoping it was just a mistake.
Jin looked at it with a straight face. Until now the act was perfect, Tomoko was mislead now he only needed to mislead his friends. Can he? He somewhere deep inside really hoped he cant. Now it will turn out who real friends were. Real friends would never ever believe this. Or was he just too naive?
"Of course I knew, and guys... I have to tell you something."
He felt uncomfortable as he felt the stares of his bandmantes on him.
"I...made up my mind. I cant screw Kazuya's carrier like this and...I decided to... give a chance to another lifestyle. Tomoko confessed me earlier but I told her I can't love her. That I already found my destined one, but..."
He took a deep breath. Just how cruel face was? Really..."Yesterday I met her because she wanted to talk to me about something and I...we talked about a lot of things. She seems to be a nice girl."
"Nice girl?!?" Koki shouted wide eyed, angry. For a second he felt really disappointed, but then he just couldn't believe it was true. "That girl is the devil itself!!"
"You don't know her Koki. I know her better." Jin opposed. He really needed all his acting skills to be able to defend Tomoko. What a disgusting role he had to play!
"You don't know her!! Should I tell you something?? She--"
"KOKI!" Ueda cut him off and shook his head. That was the movement Jin realized from...T-TUN knew it too. They knew about the tape, about what Tomoko was planning, didn't they? That's why they met so much with Pi and went to visit Kazuya so much, right? For a fleeting second Jin found it unfair why only he was the one who noone said a word, but he slowly started to understand. Common sense... If he was in the place of his friends, he didn't tell himself either. However he needed to keep his act going.
"And besides...Kazuya has a girlfriend. I can't know if he loved me the same way, but I suppose not. It doesn't have future. And I decided to love this girl." Heh... he couldn't love Tomoko even if she was the last person on Earth.
"WHAT?!? Are you allright Akanishi?!?!?" Koki's eyes widened more, looking at the other shocked. This just can't be true. No, something is fishy... something HAD to be fishy! Jin wouldnt say something like that. No way!
"I am perfectly fine Koki. I have been talking to Johnny-san and he approved it too. He said this was the first time I do something right. It was about the time already anyway. Even I have to obey rules."
Okay, this was it. Now everyone, even Junno thought there was something wrong.
"Okay okay, stop it right there man. Akanishi Jin would NEVER say he should obey rules, he would NEVER say he gave up on Kame-chan, he would NEVER be glad about Johnny praising him and happy he did what the old man wanted. Who are you? A doppelganger? Or why are you lying to us?!" Koki was afraid that it may be true. Not because he didn't believe in Jin, but because he was afraid the other broke completely. In soul, in nerves, in every aspect and went kind of crazy. Crazy enough to settle down into a life he didn't want, and the reason the rapper thought it might be true was because of how Jin started this conversation: he cant screw Kazuya's carrier. What if Jin really thought such a crap?
"Why would I lie to you?" Jin said calmly, looking into Koki's eyes with exhausted eyes which lost their shine long ago. Koki just stared back at Jin desperately searching something in the other's gaze. Something, anything that proved Jin lied.
Ueda sighed and looked around. "Because you found out something we tried to hide from you." He said with a determined face and voice and Jin snapped his head to Ueda's direction.
"You think you can protect him more by pulling this act, Jin?" He asked seriously, walking next to the other, putting his hand onto his shoulder. "Jin, remember your own words, that you never give up."
"Ueda, I..." The other hushed him and smiled softly. "Do you know where he is?" he asked then touched the spot where Jin's heart was.
"Here. And he is believing you, waiting for you time to come. So better not make him confused and sad!" He winked tho it was out of his character. But nowdays he and all of the others too would do anything and behave anyhow just to make Jin at least a little better.
"Tacchan..." Jin's eyes watered as he looked at the man gratefully.
"We know about it too. And Jin, we help you. I know you have been through a lot this past year and that you were or are confused who you can trust in, but please believe me. You can trust me. You can trust us. Koki,
Taguchi, Nakamaru and Yamapi. We are all on your side and were always."
Jin knew it was not manly to cry in front of people and he cried way too much lately but a stubborn teardrop slipped from his eye. Yes, he had real friends. Real and true friends who he couldn't mislead. Who no matter how many times he was fighting with the past, in need and trouble are there. That was always KAT-TUN's strength. And Yamapi... he was there for him for so many years he lost count of.
"Yes Akanishi! We support you!" Koki nodded his head and hit the other's back friendly.
"Of course we do!" Maru joined in and patted Jin's free shoulder.
"Yes, and always will!" Junno ruffled into Jin's hair friendly and all of them except Jin looked at him gaped.
"Taguchi, what are you doing??"
The tall man looked down, feeling nervous and embarrassed. Will he be kicked? Will he get yelled?
"I...ehmm just thought I... I wanted to express my support to Akanishi-kun too." He somewhat pouted, but shut his eyes expecting a kick. But it never came. Koki just went behind him, pushing him into a surprised Jin's arms.
"Uwaa! Sorry Akanishi-kun!" He said panicked, but to his surprised Jin hugged him tight, a few more tears escaping his eyes. He felt grateful to his band. How moody he could be sometimes, how fucker he was with them in the past, opposed everything what they suggested, getting angry at them when they didn't want to go along with some of his ideas. But now he realized. Those were not really problems. People always think they have such a big problem. They make a fuss about little things thinking they are the biggest problem in life. And when the real tragedy comes do they realize...what they were worrying about, what they were getting pissed about was not that big of a problem they thought it to be.
"Thank you! Thank you all so much!" Jin just could whisper this, he was too touched to speak normally and let his tears out, hugging his bandmate tight.
****
Kazuya's parents were heading to the hospital in the morning. It was not so early, around 8 o'clock, but they had a very tight schedule for the day. They needed to visit a relative living outside of Tokyo with long hours by car and in the evening they had a meeting with another relative in Tokyo. That's why they didn't even had the time to watch morning news or read newspaper. There couldn't be a day they didn't visit their son, so that s why they decided to go in early.
Meanwhile Tomoko grinned down at Kazuya, holding the newspaper in her hand totally pleased. She never felt this satisfied before. It was only a matter of days and he can get Jin into her bed, right? Oh how good life was! She won. She finally won over Kazuya and of course it was an obvious thing. She always thought, no! KNEW she is better. It had to be this way. Akanishi was not that stupid after all, he chose what was the best for him. She was more beautiful than Kazuya anyway and not to forget a girl. The perfect match for Jin.
She nodded and placed the newspaper onto the table. What was it for? To show Kazuya her victory. Like this, no matter who, will speak about her and Jin together and Kame will hear it. Might as well die from heartache. Oh how good it would be!
She couldn't kill Kazuya anyway, because of Chinami. The girl threatened her not to dare because then she will tell everything about Tomoko and do something to Jin as revenge. What a bitch! But neither Yamashita, neither the others knew about this little fact, so her threatening was perfect. This is the key in life. No matter if you lie or not, you have to seem confident and sure. Present yourself in a way noone dares to oppose. If they do, then find an excuse and turn the story the way they will feel guilty at the end, tho you are the one who is not right. She always lived like this.
She heard voices from outside and recognized immediately that it belonged to Kazuya's parents. Perfect! Kazuya's father hates Jin anyway, now he will just hate him more. And even if she cant make her plan or needs more time, the father will help her without knowing it. She quickly left the room not to be noticed by the parents.
She didn't want to be there when they discover the newspaper. Or maybe they already knew about it. Anyway, she was sure they will speak about it.
'Deserves you right Kamenashi. Suffer! Suffer more and more!' she grinned and walked away.
When arriving to the door, Kame's mother opened the door and they walked in next to the bed.
"Kazuya, good morning. How are you sweetheart?" Nao asked, tho she knew she wont get a reply.
~Missing Jin.~ The Kazuya in the box sighed. He really started to be bored of the dark. He wanted to wake up finally.
Nao thought it was weird her husband said nothing and turned her head in the direction of the man. She noticed him standing next to the table with wide eyes, rage evident in the deep brown eyes. Kazuya's father was mad beyond belief as he stared at the newspaper, not even being able to blink.
"That son of a bitch!!" He swore startling his wife and Kazuya too.
"What happened?" Nao asked worried and before she could blink the man tossed the newspaper into her hand. She looked at the man with raised eyebrows but when she started to read her eyes widened and his expression darkened too.
'The girlfriend of Akanishi Jin revealed
The girlfriend of Akanishi Jin from the famous band KAT-TUN revealed herself, speaking about the press conference that was held few days ago. She told our journalist she was shocked hearing his boyfriend's declaration about his bandmate Kamenashi Kazuya. Miss Tomoko said that she and Akanishi got together recently, tho they had to deny it due to the rules of Johnny's Jimusho. The president, Johnny H. Kitagawa commented on the happenings, admitting the couple are dating. The young idol, Akanishi Jin said that he is tired of lying and shared with us that president Johnny made him say those words at the press conference, and apologized for the inconvenience he caused, tho the jimusho denies this fact. He also admitted that he and Kamenashi-san were not even in good relationship, tho he feels sorry for his current state and wishing him the best to recover.'
The mother didn't know what to think about this. Akanishi loved her son, didn't he? He was always there, this can't be true. This was surely just some rumour, but... she didn't know what to think about the pictures. On one Jin was even hugging the girl. What was that supposed to mean?
"Akanishi is a fucking bastard, I told you!" The man was really out of it. He felt the urge to tear the newspaper apart. He started to consider maybe Akanishi was really cared for his son, but seeing this just made him think he was even stupid for considering it.
~Why? What happened?~ The Kazuya in the box stood up, looking into the darkness. He had an uneasy feeling. Jin was not even there. What could happen all of a sudden that made his father go so ballistic?
"It is not sure it is true..." Nao tried to reason herself, but the man shook his head.
"Not true?! Are you that blind?? It writes the name of Akanishi's girlfriend is Tomoko. Kazuya's nurse had the same name!!" Just how could he? And even telling how bad their relationship was in the public. Did Kazuya deserve someone as a friend like Akanishi? The father knew Kazuya cared for the man deeply. He felt Jin betrayed his son completely with this.
Nao was at a loss of words. What should she believe? The name was indeed the same but... Akanishi was not like that. Was he?
~W..What?!~ The eyes of Kazuya in the box widened and he shook his head a little. ~Jin's girlfriend? Father, don't joke, Jin loves me, he doesn't have a girlfriend.~
Kazuya's legs started to tremble and they couldn't hold his weight anymore as the realization hit him. The name... was really the same as the name of the nurse. No, it can't be, Jin would never fall for her. No, his Jin could never. It must be a mistake, a rumour or a cruel play of Johnny.
"And the pictures. Do you think they can be fake too? And the date of them is yesterday!! Wake up Nao, he is not what you think him to be. He even confessed himself he lied at the conference!!" The man picked the newspaper up and read one sentence aloud.
"The young idol, Akanishi Jin said that he is tired of lying and shared with us that president Johnny made him say those words at the press conference." He hissed.
"What else do you need?!"
Nao looked at Kazuya worriedly, being afraid his condition will drop hearing that. How? How could Akanishi do it?
Kazuya's heart crashed into pieces. ~Pictures...? Yesterday? Tomoko?~
His heart and chest hurt. ~No. No no no!! Jin cant be like that, he cant!~
Kazuya tried not to panic, he didn't want to believe it. The Kazuya in the box took deep breath and shut his eyes, repeating in his head how it was not right. However scare grabbed his heart with its cold hands, made it be clenched, giving him the feeling how it is if he really lost Jin. How his dreams for the future are futile, how everything he hoped for, believed in were just a scattered letter being threw into the dustbin.
He didn't hear what his parents were talking about. All he could concentrate was not to feel worse and to keep the faith in Jin.
Yes, he won't believe this. He CAN'T believe this. Not until Jin confirmed it to him. Because he would do it, right? Jin didn't visit him the day before in the evening,
~But surely he had another reason than Tomoko, right...?~
So, Kazuya decided not to give up hope. Not until Jin comes and tells him to.
He never was this afraid of Jin's visit than now.
****
Jin was sure the news spread to everywhere. His parents, relatives, buddies, friends... and he was afraid Kazuya knew it too. Now he hope with all of his heart the other didn't know what a mess is going around here, or even if he heard the surrounding voices he couldn't really feel.
He was standing at the doorway of Yamapi's flat, ringing the bell.
"Hi!" He greeted the boy as soon as he opened the door and Pi invited him in. Jin hoped Pi will behave the same as his bandmates, looking through things.
"I know you found it." It was the first thing Yamapi said, showing the dictaphone he was holding in his hand. Jin nodded silently. The other boy sighed as he sat down onto the sofa in the living room, signaling Jin to follow.
"Exactly that's why I didn't want to tell you. Because I knew you will do something stupid. You just played along with Tomoko and Johnny." The younger man shook his head with a sigh, holding the newspaper up to make clear what he was talking about.
"I had no choice." Jin was glad Yamapi didn't even consider the article to be true. Actually, deep inside his heart he knew he would be totally surprised and disappointed in Yamapi if the other didn't react the way he did. He had really amazing friends, he had to realize it the second time of the day.
"I don't know if you noticed, but Kamenashi's mother likes you. But after this...I don't know what she is thinking about you, because...I know you but she doesn't really." It was not that Yamapi wanted to lecture Jin, he said these things because he was worried for the boy. He didn't want Jin's situation to be harder and he understood perfectly that Jin thought it was a way to protect Kame.
"I.. couldn't really think of that at the time when I set up this plan..." Jin said sheepishly. He cant always think of everything beforehand. It was never his strength in the past neither anyway.
"I know... Bakanishi." Yamapi smiled kindly and patted the top of Jin's head. How he really wished things were at least a little easier. "Call her. Talk to her."
Jin nodded his head, thinking back on his dream. The diary Kazuya was writing. He wanted to talk about it and this time he swore he will succeed. Kame's mother was a nice and understanding woman. She will give him a chance, won't she? At least let honesty win once in this corrupted and dirty world!
"It was my plan originally too. I have a thing to discuss with her anyway." Jin said and pulled his cellphone out of his pocket. He looked at the phone for some minute, collecting his thoughts and sighing a big as he started to dial the number. Please God, let at least this to go smooth please.
"Jin!" Pi said before he could push the call button.
"Hmm?" The man looked at him.
"Good luck!" Yamapi showed a thumb up.
"Thanks!" Jin smiled and meaning more than just this now. He thanked for everything Yamapi did for him so far. Without him and TTUN he wouldn't be able to survive for sure. He took another big breath and pushed the call button.
*****
It was chilly outside. The woman was standing in front of Jin, hurt was obvious in her eyes. Her husband was right about Akanishi after all? But how could he fake so much emotion and what was this good for? She decided she will listen to what Jin was about to say, that's why she came all the way here.
When her eyes met Jin's, she saw the sad, lost boy, the one who almost lost everything and is tired. She again started to feel sorry but her suspicion that maybe Jin could betray her son was still too strongly present. That's why she was saying nothing, not even greeting the boy just standing there, looking into his eyes motionless, studying him.
"Thank you for coming Mrs Kamenashi." Jin said in a soft tone. The woman nodded, still looking coldly at the young man.
"I hope you have an important thing to say Akanishi." She said in a tone that made Jin feel even more tired. How many people always just judged him by what the shit teller magazines wrote? How many so called friends told lies to the media to get money? He started to have enough of the world. What hurt him the most was that even who he thought could rely on, who he thought were on his side believed everything the media said about him not even trying to realize how fake Akanishi Jin was. Except of his closest friends of course. How he was just someone created, with real feelings suppressed. People...fans... could be so blind though he was so obvious. He could say things "oh how I am happy for this" and such with a face full of sourness, with eyes not glistening at all. And what fans say? That oh how happy Jin looked like. Happy? They don't even try to notice the man behind the mask. Or don't even care.
However he knew, the mother's case was different. Kazuya was her son. Of course she took it more dramatically and he could understand. His mother would have been the same shocked. But he was grateful the woman came.
"Yes, I would like to tell you everything and please listen to me until the end." He spoke very politely, using a respectful tone of voice.
The woman just nodded and she hoped deep in her heart that Jin was the guy she always thought him to be. True and loyal.
"I know that I made you and everyone painful a day, I am sorry about it. You know about the article as you already said in the phone and that Kazuya knows too. But I had to play along with Johnny to save Kazuya. I couldn't put him or you and your family in danger just because I was tired of lying and said my true feelings. Our entertainment company is hell if you look behind the curtains. Intrics, lies, manipulations... and who wants to go his own will, will pay the price. People will suffer, families will suffer...or will be even killed. Please understand Kazuya is too important to me to let something happen to him or who are dear to him." He stopped a little to regain his composure and not to let the tears out that threatened him. He decided he won't tell about Tomoko's plan of killing Kazuya. It wouldn't be a wise idea at all.
The mother watched him with softened expression.
"I... had a dream. In that dream...I saw Kazuya before the accident. I... don't know if it was just an illusion or a message he sent to me, but...I have to figure it out and for it I would like to ask for your help."
The woman didn't reply, but not because she was still angry or hurt, because she didn't trust her voice. THIS is the Akanishi she knew, this is the man she thought him to be. And she realized, people always should be given the chance to speak, to be listened at, no matter how angry one is of them. Maybe they had reason, maybe the anger in us clouds the right mind to notice things are not just black and white. Who we started to trust, we should give them the chance, not closing the door in front of them yelling mad things and feeding the monster of hate in our hearts.
"It is okay if you can't forgive me...but I just...need to know if it's real or not." He looked into the eyes of the mother with desperation and sadness mixing in his dark brown orbs.
"I saw Kazuya sitting at his desk writing something. I couldn't read what, but I guess it was a diary. In the dream he wore the same clothes as...on the day of the accident." His voice wavered a little when he pronounced the accident word. Sometimes he still couldn't believe it was all real.
"He took a notebook with a little lock on it out of his drawer of his desk. Then he went to his gardrobe, opening it and kneeling down to a box of clothes. Then...he removed the box from its place and under it there was a small red box. He opened it and there was a key in it which he opened the notebook with. Please Mrs Kamenashi, I have to know if the notebook is real or not. I..."
Nao couldn't bear it any longer and she went to Jin, pulling the surprised man into her arms, letting one tear escape. This is the person she wants her son to be with.
She hoped Kazuya loves this great young man and deep inside he knew it. That they were both male? It didn't count. The feeling and heart, those are what counts and she could tell, what Jin felt for his son was a strong, true love which even touched the ones next to them. She felt ashamed of herself how she could even consider to believe the article and that Jin was just lying about the love for her son.
"I am sorry Akanishi-kun, I am so sorry I doubted you!" She said with honesty in her wavering voice. When she calmed down a little she pulled away, looking into the man's eyes with her tear shimmering ones.
"As soon as I get home, the first thing I will do is going up to Kazuya's room and check if the diary is real or not."
Jin let his breath out in a relieved sigh which he didn't even notice he was holding back. He smiled and bowed a little. "Thank you Mrs Kamenashi."
"Nao." the woman said smiling and Jin's eyes widened. "Call me Nao."
Jin was very touched. It was a very big honour that he can call the woman on her given name. "Then...thank you Nao-san." He bowed more respectfully.
"And Akanishi-kun...don't give up. You are the best match for Kazuya in this world." This made Jin feel warm inside and he couldn't described the gratefulness and emotions he felt. To be accepted by someone after so much struggle, to get to know that he was trusted and it was Kazuya's mother who told him all these. Who accepted the love he felt for her precious son.
"Jin." He said with chocked emotions, his eyes were shining with gratefulness. "And I will never give up Nao-san. Thank you for your support. I love your son. And I will fight for him until the day I die."
That someone declares this so determined and true made Nao's heart warm up.
"Need a drive home Jin-kun?" the woman asked but Jin shook his head smiling.
"Thank you for offering, but no. I have something I need to do." Jin's eyes got soften and Nao understood it at once what that thing was.
"Explain him everything, I believe that he can hear you."
Jin nodded and with a last smile and bow, he turned around, starting to go in the direction of his car.
***
The hospital was silent. Lights shone only at the reception but even there, there was silence. A nurse was sitting at the counter of the reception and as she saw Jin she just smiled and nodded. She knew where the young idol was going. Jin knew Tomoko had the night off and was not working. Pretending to be close to her was quite handy too. He knew when she is at the hospital and like this he could protect Kazuya more.
He knew if Kazuya heard everything and was really in love with him, it must have been very painful. How could he know Jin was just pretending he liked Tomoko? Kazuya was not really in this world and even if he heard things, that was not enough to figure out Jin's actions. Was it?
Jin hoped their bond was strong enough for Kazuya to know he was only acting, playing a role. Or even if Kazuya was mislead too, Jin hoped he will figure out at once how fake it was and believe him. And even tho he once decided even Kazuya can't know the truth, he changed his mind. With Tomoko not around he can say it, tell everything to Kazuya and beg for forgiveness.
As he opened the door and looked at the bed, gentleness filled his eyes. In the dim moonlight Kazuya's body was illuminated and it gave a ghosty feeling to all, yet a gentle and secure atmosphere with a sleeping beauty.
Kazuya heard the door open and he felt immediately who it was. Jin. Fear and panic filled him, he felt how sad the other was. It was incredible how he could feel all of Jin's feeling. Day by day it was as if they became one more and more. What will Jin say? Come to him and apologize for falling in love with the girl? No. He can't. It can't happen. His heart was throbbing in his throat as he was waiting for the other to say something.
Jin approached the bed adoring the love of his life with sad eyes. How much pain he caused to this boy he couldn't even imagine. The pieces of puzzle were gathered together and the picture was complete. As clear as never before. Everything that happened between them.
[Face to face
I'm looking at you in a secret place]
This was their secret place, where they could be together, where he could say everything and Jin decided, once again he needed to tell Kazuya everything what he thought, everything about why he had to act as if Tomoko was his girlfriend. The truth. No fake.
[Undress the words so we say nothing fake
It's so much better when our words are naked]
It was so good, that only to the younger boy he could say everything and he had the faith the other was listening to him. Hearing him. Wasn't it much better to be honest in everything? People hardly find a person they can be totally honest with and trust unconditionally. Jin thanked God he found this person.
[We don't need space
I wanna hold you tight again
For us to feel each other's hearts at the "right place"
I guess this is why god made us like this]
He wanted to hold Kazuya again as in the other times...tho not as a best friend anymore. But seeing how his presence helped Kazuya to get better, how right he felt when the other was near him...he believed God made them for each other. Why he was so sure, why he got the strong feeling that the sleeping beauty returned his feelings he didn't know. But he felt it with his heart. His heart was at the right place only next to Kazuya. They had enough space for years. Enough of it, enough!
"Kazuya..." he whispered lovingly and did what he felt was the right thing.
[I said I love you, said I love you, said I love you
I still can't find any other words than "I Love You", let our
bodies do the talking]
He leaned over the younger man and without hesitation he touched their lips together, kissing his cinderella long...sweetly, putting all his feelings in it. All the love, all the hope, all the apologize because even like this, Jin believed. Acts can do thousand better than words. He didn't care for his own rule of not kissing Kazuya as long the other can't respond or kick him away, he didn't care of anything else. He hoped he was not wrong, he really hoped it. If there was a chance Kazuya didn't feel the same, then he considered himself being selfish. Tho...he doubted it was one sided. So much coincidence couldn't happen in chain. All the dreams, all the illusions, all the feeling as if Kazuya was near...They must mean something.
[I said I love you, said I love you, said I love you
I still can't find any other words than "I Love You", let our bodies do the talking
...love you
My body's talking to you]
The eyes of Kazuya in the box widened as he felt the lips on his own, the way as Jin never kissed him before. So sure, so determined...and so loving. He felt ashamed that he even considered Jin not loving him anymore. His heart started to pound fast in his chest which didn't hurt anymore. All the pain seemed to fade with every second the kiss lasted. He longed for the ability to kiss Jin back, to let the other feel what he was feeling, to let Jin know that he indeed loved the other back. Even if he couldn't speak, but he wished his body to talk to Jin. He wanted to give Jin proof. He was more keen on it after what had happened, after he got a taste of -even as if only in his imagination- how it was to lose Jin.
He wanted to raise his hand, circle them around the other's neck. But he couldn't...
~Jin...I love you.~
"I am sorry Kazuya..." Jin whispered with a sad expression, squeezing the hand in his. "I didn't want you to go through all of this. You know who I love." You know right? Tell me you do. Squeeze my hand... give a sign...just....GIVE A SIGN DAMN IT!!
Jin felt tears burn in his eyes. Why? Why why why why why?? It was enough! Long enough! He learned the lesson. He learned from his mistake. God, enough. Let him wake up!
Nothing is the same without him!
[Songs sound amazing with you
Views lose their beauty without you
It feels like I don't exist without you baby, without you baby, without you baby]
Jin's body was shaking and he shook his head, letting some unshead tear fall.
"Nothing is the same without you! Come back, Kazuya! Please! Please come back! Wake up! Not even songs, not even the world, not even my existence is the same without you. There is nothing for me, do you understand? Nothing without you! Nothing at all!!"
He was more messed up and crying more in each minute. He so tried to stay strong in front of Kazuya, but he failed miserably again...
~Jin...I see the door now. Wait...please just wait a little longer. I am going back to you. I really am going to!~ Kazuya tried to say it out loud, the Kazuya in the box was screaming the last sentence, but to the outside world... it was not even a silent whisper.
"Forgive me Kazuya....please... I love you...I love you...I love you!" Jin repeated it all over again, hoping that life will be a fairytale for once, letting Kazuya wake up from the words.
***
TBC
AN: Sorry that it again took me so long to update >< *hids* *shames self* I hope it was worth waiting ^^; I was quite unsure if you would like Jin's plan or not.
I again used songs as always. This time the lyric between {} is Right now from KAT-TUN (I translated it) and the lyric between [] is Body talk from Akanishi Jin.
Hope you enjoyed it~ (and I really try to update this story more often.)
Oh and thank you for the people who voted for this story in my poll. Since it won and I was already almost done with the chapter I pulled myself together and finished it. Tho the story is not finished yet. ^^
AN2: I am curious how many people are reading this fic. Its ok if you dont have the feel to comment, but then would you answer this poll? http://tanakakoki-fan.livejournal.com/196327.html (You can say no too i wont be angry or anything.) Thanksss ^^ yoroshiku~
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